Makoti Winter issuu 2016 by Jozi Media

Issue #5 Winter Edition 2016 | www.makotimagazine.co.za

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EDITOR'S NOTE Welcome to purely Makoti Magazine, #1 Resource for the South African Bride and Groom! We recognize that wedding excellence includes working with skilled and talented professionals dedicated to making the world of weddings a great success. We are always looking for qualified partners to assist our readers, brides, grooms, parents and suppliers to achieve the best wedding experience possible. We are honoured to assist our couples each and every day. Build and promote your business. Makoti serves as a navigation tool for todayâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s newly engaged multicultural couples. Weddings of Colour are beautiful! Our couples can look forward to the latest wedding attire to unique event design ideas. In addition, we have you covered with beauty and grooming tips, fitness facts, and even moneymanagement strategies and cost solutions for wedding planning. Better yet, fellow brides and grooms can share with you how Makoti Magazine has helped in planning fabulous wedding experiences! We are the #1 resource for the South African bride and groom! You can plan your entire wedding from our pages of helpful hints, products, articles and suppliers. See our marketplace directory of the finest planning services and wedding resources nationwide. From the latest bridal trends to the best vendors in your area, connect with a new and savvy perspective that will make any bride-to-be experience more interesting and personal. So whether you are concerned about your entertainment, dĂŠcor, or planning your entire event, this innovative research guide is here to help you find everything you need for wedding success. As a complimentary service, you can begin reading our online magazines today. Enjoy your Makoti Magazine!

Phinah Ramalepe

Editor Phinah Ramalepe phinah@jozi-media.co.za

Creative Team Bridal Fashion/Stylist Thandi Zuma

Wedding Invitations invites@makotimagazine.co.za Office: 011 036 2977

Publisher Loyiso Ngavu, loyiso@jozi-media.co.za

Make-up Artist Khuli Sango

Advertising & Sales Director Malama Changala malama@jozi-media.co.za

Contributors: National department of health, African Values Foundation, Nick Sally, Bongi Nkosi, Sfiso Ndebele, Stellar Sibanda, Kobus Venter, Sophy Ramalepe , Lloyd Ngavu, Vusi Khumalo and Sanette Van Schalkwyk Directors Tony Ramaphosa Loyiso Ngavu

Junior Graphic Designer Xolelwa Mabona artwork@joz-media.co.za

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Planning + florals Beauty Maseko Veils and headpieces Alicia Bouw Fashion images by: Sanette Van Schalkwyk Client Relationship Manager William Masoga william@jozi-media.co.za

Creative Director Nipun Garodia

Publisher

Hair Stylist Sandy Mayile

Tel: 011 036 2977 Fax: 0866106053 info@jozi-media.co.za www.makotimagazine.co.za

Advertising & Sales Executives Cape Town: Dudu Jika dudu@jozi-media.co.za

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2016 © Jozi Media Empire (Pty) Limited MAKOTI MAGAZINE is copyright under Jozi Media Empire. In terms of copyright Act 98 of 1978 no part of this magazine may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the Publisher.

DISCLAIMER This publication is compiled through the use of photographs and information provided by interested parties, providers and advertisers. The information is offered with the explicit condition and understanding that the accuracy of such information is not guaranteed in any way and that any decision based on the information provided should be confirmed at its source. The publisher, nor its employees, service providers accept any responsibility for any loss or damage caused in whichever was as result of incorrect information provided in this publication

08 Wedding Countdown Calendar

Traditional Wedding Outfit

12 Secret ways to save money on your wedding vendors 16 Best South African Cultural Weddings 20 How to make the perfect Umqombothi? 22 Mother-in-law: Are we really meant to get along? 24 Honeymoon Guide: African Safari 30 Ask the Therapist 32 100 ways you can love your husband HIS way 36 Financial tips for Newly Married Couples

38 5 cheapest ways to turn your husband On 40 Book Reviews 48 Makoti Delicious Recipes 50 Makoti Wedding Hairstyling 52 MKHWENYANA: Beauty, hair, hints, tips & advice, inspiration, men's attire

Wedding Countdown Calendar By: Gladys Gumbi

12+ Months

Announce your

11 Months

Engagement

• Select a wedding consultant and meet to discuss wedding planning details

• Choose a wedding theme and style

• Meet with several caterers; arrange for tastings

• Work out a basic wedding budget; research reception venues • Determine number of guests • Look through bridal magazines for attire ideas

• Determine theme/decorations for your reception

• Select and book a caterer • Reserve musicians/DJ for reception

• Meet potential wedding consultants; obtain bids

• Determine wedding ceremony musicians and make musical selections

• Research wedding pros (photographers, videographers, reception bands or DJs, ceremony musicians). Set up appointments and review portfolios and recordings.

• Book wedding videographer and photographer; make a list of photos, such as must-have photos of the bride and groom, fun bridal party ideas, and traditional bridal, ceremony and reception shots

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• Research and interview florists • Select and reserve your ceremony venue and schedule a rehearsal time • Choose reception venue; negotiate contract; leave a deposit • Secure parking and/or transportation for your guests at the reception location • Visit local bridal stores to browse their selection of gowns • Choose your wedding-party members and ask them to participate in your celebration • Meet with your officiant to discuss the wedding ceremony • Mail save-the-dates for a destination wedding

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7 Months

10 Months • Select and order your wedding gown • If your ceremony or reception will be held in a park or recreational area, obtain necessary permits • Discuss attendants' duties with your maid of honor and bridesmaids

9 Months • Register for wedding gifts • Coordinate with vendors to incorporate your theme/style into all aspects of your wedding • Decide on the food and liquor to be served at your reception • Prepare a playlist of weddingreception musical selections • Select and order your headpiece, veil, gloves and shoes • Confirm orders of and delivery dates for your wedding attire • Research airline, hotel and rentalcar reservations for out-of-town guests

5 Months

• Review and finalize your wedding details with consultant

• Order table and/or escort cards; place print order for programs

• Notify bridesmaids about dress fittings

• Finalize choice of honeymoon destination

• Discuss attire with groomsmen and make referrals to local formalwear store

• Taste a variety of wedding cakes and select a baker; place cake order and arrange for delivery

• Select attire for flower girl and/or ring bearer

• Secure reservations for rehearsal dinner and select menu

• Determine the design, wording, font and paper stock for your wedding invitations, stationery, table and escort cards and thankyou notes; finalize order

4 Months

• Arrange a printer or hire a calligrapher for table cards • Determine order of ceremony events and choose appropriate wording for your programs • Negotiate rates and book a block of hotel rooms for out-of-town guests • Select and order your wedding rings • Purchase bridal accessories: jewelry, lingerie, etc. • Choose and order something fun for guests to throw after your ceremony (rose petals, confetti or birdseed)

• Determine method of addressing wedding invitations and hire a calligrapher, if applicable • Hand-address — or have a calligrapher address — wedding invitations, or print labels. • Write or choose your wedding vows • Have groom visit formalwear shops and try on tuxedos • Purchase or rent groom's wedding accessories, including tuxedo, cuff links, shoes, socks, etc. • Make honeymoon reservations and place all deposits

3 Months

6 Months • Review and approve proofs of wedding invitations and stationery • Discuss the type of honeymoon you want, start reading up on potential destinations and consult a travel agent for ideas and suggestions.

• Review and approve wedding announcement and printed program proofs • Book venue or secure reservations for post-wedding brunch • Discuss bachelorette party plans with your attendants • Plan your bridesmaids' luncheon or dinner • Make appointment with stylist and/or hairdresser to discuss your wedding hairstyle

8 Months

• Take another look at your registry and update or add items

• Go to first gown fitting; invite your maid of honor to attend

• Create hotel information cards and maps to include with your wedding invitations

• Choose and order bridesmaid dresses and accessories • Research a variety of wedding ring styles • Select florist; discuss wedding ideas, theme and style

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2 Months

4 weeks

• Secure a wedding-day dressing room for your bridesmaids

• Confirm floral order and arrange for delivery times

• Weigh, purchase postage for and mail wedding invitations

• Meet with ushers and assign duties for the ceremony and reception

• Go to final gown fitting; arrange for pickup or delivery • Have groom's formalwear fitted • If you plan to have a prenuptial agreement, meet with your attorney to discuss it • Purchase gifts for all weddingparty members and your parents • Arrange transportation for bride and groom from the ceremony site to the reception • Purchase ceremony accessories (Unity candle, wine glasses, etc.)

6 weeks • Purchase a new camera, if needed • Send rehearsal dinner invitations • Write thank-you notes as you receive gifts • Confirm music selections ("playlist") with musicians/DJ • Select menu for post-wedding brunch • Write newspaper announcement and gather photos • Purchase a gift for your spouse-tobe • Shop for wedding favors • Purchase honeymoon clothing, luggage and accessories • Go in for a practice hairstyling and make day-of-wedding hair appointment

• Discuss the details of your wedding ceremony with your officiant • Determine the placement or distribution of programs at the ceremony venue

3 weeks • Finalize list of reception guests • Give the final headcount to the caterer and review details • Arrange for delivery and placement of wedding flowers, candles and other decorations on the day of the ceremony • Contact anyone who has not responded to his or her wedding invitation.

• Arrange for preparation, storage and break areas for musicians/DJ at the reception venue

1 weeks

• Determine seating arrangements for guests

• Confirm your honeymoon travel arrangements

• If you color your hair, make appointment for a touch-up the week before your wedding

• Start packing bags for your honeymoon

• Go in for a dry run with a professional makeup artist and make a day-of-wedding appointment

• Pick up your wedding dress

• Get traveler's checks and/or a small amount of foreign cash

• Schedule an appointment for a manicure and/or pedicure the day before your wedding • Finalize details with wedding photographer and videographer, determining arrival times at each nuptial venue • Arrange for preparation/storage area for photographer and videographer at each nuptial venue • Sign your prenuptial agreement, if applicable • Finalize honeymoon plans/ itinerary and confirm all travel and hotel reservations • Arrange for transportation to and from the airport • Make all necessary arrangements for care of pet(s), plants and mail while you're away on honeymoon • Post announcement and photo on your wedding website • Arrange for table card setup at reception venue • Schedule pickup/return of groom's formalwear

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Wedding Day! • Eat a good breakfast • Attend hairstyle appointment • Give yourself plenty of time to get ready • Relax and enjoy yourself!

Post-Wedding: 3 Days • Arrange for transport of gifts • Have family or friends mail wedding announcements

Post Honeymoon • Take wedding gown and veil to a dry cleaner who specializes in gown preservation • Submit name-change forms for driver's license, passport, state and SARS, banks, credit cards, etc.

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SECRET WAYS TO SAVE MONEY ON YOUR WEDDING VENDORS By: Gladys Gumbi

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YOUR VENUE

Pro Tip: At first glance, the fee for renting an empty loft may seem like a steal compared to a ballroom. But as soon as you factor in all the vendors (caterer, servers, bartenders) and rentals (tables, chairs, china, glassware, linens), you’ll see the price tag go way, way up.

Elegant options abound but costs vary significantly, so take this expert advice into account before you start scouting locations.

STATIONERY There's so much info to share with your guests before and on your big day. But all those printed pieces add up. Here’s how to get pretty paperie without paying a pretty penny.

Getting More For Your Money The venues that offer the best value are dedicated event spaces, like hotels and banquet halls (generally speaking, sites with prescribed wedding packages). This is because many services you would otherwise need to hire come included, and bundling them together makes your dollar go farther. When shopping around for a venue, "The number one thing is to make sure you’re comparing apples to apples,” says planner Connie Maseko . "Bringing-in always costs more because you have pick-up and delivery charges for every single thing." Many brides make the mistake of thinking an outdoor wedding at a family member’s home will result in a big savings. There’s no site fee, but the cost of transforming a backyard into a full-service reception space (tents, lighting, dance floor, portable toilets) can exceed even the most lavish pre-set package.

Comparing Print Prices A significant factor in stationery costs is your choice of printing method. At the most expensive end are engraving and letterpress techniques, where the script is artfully raised off the page. If you like this formal feel but don’t want to pay top dollar, consider thermography — it's much less costly. Offset printing comes next on the price scale, while digital printing is very economical — especially for incorporating multiple colors. Because offset and digital printing are cheaper to produce, stationers recommend using them for all your day-of needs, like ceremony programs, escort or place cards and menus. "These pieces are often left behind at the end of the night," says Karen bartolomei, founder of grapevine design studio in Cape Town. "Splurge on the items that will be delivered to your guests’ homes."

Paying Less For Places Another way to save, says Hanlin, is by holding your ceremony, cocktail hour and reception in the same venue — such as a church or synagogue with an attached hall, or a restaurant with multiple party rooms. The cost of a few extra hours on property is considerably less than renting an entirely separate space, and you won’t have to pay to transport guests between locales. Religious and charitable organizations tend to rent for nominal fees, as do government-run sites like cultural institutions and state parks. Plus, what you do pay to rent these places benefits the community. Parks, in particular, can be great bargains, considering they often include scenic backdrops.

Saving by Consolidating The more elements there are in a wedding invitation, the higher the price. One insert that’s easy to eliminate is the reception card. "If you’re getting married in a church and having your reception at a loft, print 'Dinner and dancing to follow at tribeca rooftop' on the invite itself," says Cheree Berry of Cheree Berry Events Rather than printing and sending out a veritable booklet of guest logistics in early mailings, stationers now recommend putting travel and lodging details on your wedding website and printing the URL on your save-the-date cards. Dayof items can be scaled back, too. Rather than calligraphed escort cards, print names and table assignments in a nice font on fine paper and display them in frames, or write them on a chalkboard.

Naturally picturesque locales don’t need much adornment, which reduces your decor budget. The key is working with what you’ve got: "In Durban there are a lot of missions that rent for very little," says Sasha Souza, the Napa-based event designer, "and they often already have benches in place so you save on furnishings." Similarly, if your site features a stone patio, consider using that as the dance floor rather than renting one.

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ENTERTAINMENT

Pro Tip: When it comes to booking a band for your reception, size matters. A five-member group will almost always cost less than a nine-piece orchestra (not to mention individual tips and the number of mouths you will have to feed).

From the melody that plays as you walk down the aisle to the band or DJ that gets guests out on the dance floor, memorable music is a must. Follow these tips to save on the soundtrack to your soirée.

CATERING Refreshments are an important part of every party, but feeding all your friends and family can eat up a good chunk of your wedding change. Here’s how to get more bite for your buck.

Planning Frugal Fare You can reduce almost every wedding expense by editing your guest list, but nowhere does that tactic have more impact than in catering costs. Think about it: Food and drink may run hundreds of dollars per head, meaning that 10 or 20 fewer chairs will result in significant savings. If you can’t get your numbers down, buffets may come in as a budgetfriendly option because you don’t have to pay for waiters; however, it’s important to serve less expensive fare that can be easily prepared in bulk. If you prefer sit-down service, request that guests make their dinner choice in advance. "Taking an order at the table means the kitchen has to have eighty percent of every option available, which costs a lot more," says Soweto-based caterer Lisa Dube. She recommends including an entrée selection line or insert with your invitations so the chef can plan ahead. Also, giving guests fewer choices to begin with (filet mignon or wild mushroom risotto, for example, instead of a meat, fish and vegetarian dish), or the same sides with each alternative, is less work for the cooks.

Paying Less For Live Acts Musicians are almost always more expensive than DJs, so hiring instrumentalists to perform at your ceremony and cocktail hour, plus a band as the main act, will cost top dollar. But cash-strapped couples don’t necessarily have to forfeit live entertainment. If you’re having a religious service, check your venue contract before booking anyone, says Derik Jones, of The Cape Orchestra. "Often you are already paying for a musician at your church or synagogue and just don’t know it."

Barely noticeable omissions or substitutions can have a profound effect on your final bill, too, says Tony Kiefer, a senior sales consultant at the Cape Town-based caterer Food for Thought. "If you’re serving a beautiful salad with seasonal veggies and simply leave off the cheese, you’ll save one dollar per person," he says. Whipped potatoes cost less than fingerlings but make an equally fine side. And if you must have a fancy food like lobster on your menu, offer a small portion as an appetizer rather than an entrée.

If that’s not the case, look into nearby civic organizations and music conservatories. "In some areas, you can book an excellent jazz group or classical trio from a community theater or symphony for a donation or nominal fee," Jones says, and pre-professional students may charge even less. For reception music leads, explore your city’s nightlife scene. A group that performs in local bars or clubs tends to be more cost-effective than a traditional wedding band. As with venues, you may get a bargain rate by holding your wedding on a weekday or a weekend in slow season. Saturday events incur the most competition for services, so they yield the highest price tags.

Nixing Excess Expenses If your catering budget is tight, don’t fall into the common trap of overestimating how much your guests will consume. Do you really need assorted passed hors d’oeuvres, a madeto-order sushi station and a mammoth crudité platter at your cocktail hour? "Pick one hearty, filling display — like a local artisan cheese table with fruits, breads and crackers — and have that be it!" says Dube.

Thinking Outside the Band

Another way to cut back is by shortening the event. "Costs are driven by length of time, so stick to an hour or less for cocktails," says Kiefer — noting that, on average, people consume one canapé every ten minutes—and consider trimming an hour off the reception. For even deeper savings, skip dinner altogether, and opt for a brunch, afternoon tea and dessert, or late-night cocktail reception. If you stay flexible and open to new ideas, you'll find lots of creative approaches to throwing a great party that will also save money.

DJs typically cost less than bands, and some couples prefer them because of the greater variety of songs they can play and the fact that they don’t take breaks. Although iPods let individuals create a playlist and "spin" their own tunes, DJs double as emcees — introducing the bridal party and announcing special dances and toasts. They also provide and hook up speakers, which you may have to rent unless your venue has a built-in sound source. Lastly, don’t overlook talented friends and family members. Asking your choir-star cousin to sing a hymn at your service or some college buddies in a cover band to play your first dance track adds the excitement of a live performance for free.

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Pro Tip: Don’t get talked into splurging on top-shelf liquors. Go with one or two signature drinks in addition to red and white wine and two types of brews. And if the drinks are passed on trays as guests enter the room, most won’t even realize the bar has been scaled back.

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FLOWERS AND DÉCOR Nothing says "wedding" like bountiful blossoms — but bouquets, centerpieces and other floral arrangements can make your budget grow out of control. Here’s how to nip overspending in the bud.

Pro Tip: "One trick I love is going with the house china but adding colored napkins and wine goblets from a rental company," says Hanlin. "It looks as if you’ve done a custom table, but you haven't."

WEDDING CAKE A decadent confection makes a fitting grand finale, but that fancy finish may not come cheap. Here's how to sweeten your deal and score a cost-conscious cake.

Choosing the Blooms Flowers can be as dramatically different in price as they are in appearance. The best way to get more for your money is by selecting seasonal blooms that can be purchased locally rather than shipped in. As soon as you set your date and location, ask your florist to suggest flowers that will be available in that place and time of year. You can also save by using a less expensive flower en masse. It makes a striking statement but requires less effort for your florist than arranging multiple blooms, says Hanlin. Alternatively, by using cheaper blooms like carnations at the base of your arrangements, you can get away with fewer, more prominently placed pricey blossoms. Durbanbased event designer Malisa Birch boosts centerpieces with inexpensive greenery, like ferns and ivy. "Any kind of leafy filler adds a lush, organic touch and volume, so arrangements don’t appear skimpy," she says. For ceremony decor, Souza counsels couples marrying in a large church to skip the flowers because they’ll be overwhelmed by the space; just place wreaths on the entry doors.

Non-Floral Looks Souza loves using hardy perennials like succulents and chicks-and-hens plants in reception displays instead of fussy, fragile blooms; they aren’t pricey and can be replanted and enjoyed long after the event. Branches, topiaries and treetrunk slices make great non-floral centerpiece elements, too, while embellishing with fruits and vegetables adds texture for far less than a flowers-only arrangement. Purchasing decorative items like candelabra or vintage vessels is often cheaper than renting them, says Hanlin, and you can always sell them after the wedding. If your floral budget is really limited, stick to adorning the center of the room (no one will notice if the perimeter is a bit sparse) and find other ways to spruce up the table and chairs. Many venues offer basic linens in an array of shades besides white, and a profusion of one color looks purposeful rather than penny-pinching. Similarly, standard ballroom seats can be dressed up by tying ribbon into bows on the backs.

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Impressing For Less Some brides are surprised to learn how expensive wedding cakes run. But they have to look as good as they taste, and that takes effort. "The cake is a dessert, but it also plays a decorative role in the reception — similar to the flowers," says pastry chef James Kleinman of Fourways Bakery in Johannesburg. When a couple’s eyes are bigger than their budget, a baker might suggest preparing a "fake" cake, made of iced tiers of cardboard or foam except for the tier that’s sliced during the cake-cutting ceremony. The guests are then served pieces of an inexpensive cake that’s cut in the kitchen. Alternatively, you can have a diminutive but dramatic cake that serves 35 presented on a pedestal stand on the escort card table; this way guests notice it when getting their seat assignments but later eat slices of an unseen sheet cake.

Scaling Back on Sugar Although cakes are priced by the slice, it’s not likely that every single person will indulge — so you can usually get away with ordering a confection that feeds just 75 percent of attendees. Square cakes yield more slices than round ones, and rich flavors like chocolate make people full faster, meaning you can order less and cut thinner slices. To further cut costs, have your cake divided into very small pieces to be passed on trays during the dancing; this way, you may only need to budget for 25 percent of the guest count. Finally, while it's fun to work with a pastry chef, it isn't absolutely necessary. If your venue has an in-house caterer, consider booking their baker to save on delivery fees. And consider offering a number of single layer cakes in a variety of flavors displayed on a collection of pretty cake stands.

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BEST SOUTH AFRICAN CULTURAL WEDDINGS By: African Values Foundation

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NDEBELE WEDDINGS There are 3 stages to the Ndebele wedding and can take several years to complete. The first stage is Labola for the bride; this is paid in instalments of both money and livestock. The second stage is a two-week sequestration of the bride during which time other women teach the bride how to be a good wife and the third stage is completed when the bride has her first child. Stage 1: The groom to be sends a letter to the bride’s family to request a date for the Labola negotiation. He then has to purchase a sheep; some blankets, a broom and a few clothes for the bride’s family. The groom’s parents then visit the bride’s parents and pay the Labola. After this they take the girl home with them to get to know the groom and his family. Stage 2: Preparation for the wedding day will include writing up a guest list and sending out of the invitations. The invitations get sent out two weeks before the wedding day. Food is bought and cooked the traditional way. This includes ‘mielie pap’ (traditional maize meal), meat and salads. Fruit, sweets and cake are served as dessert on the day. The official wedding takes place in a church. Family members are present to witness the couple saying their vows and the exchanging of the rings. After the church ceremony the couple will change into traditional clothes and go with the guests to the bride’s home to eat. After they have eaten the couple will sit at an especially decorated table. Everyone present will talk to the couple and give them gifts. Once the gifts have been handed over the groom will thank the guests. The group then go to the groom’s home where the oldest brother as well as all parents and grandparents are present and they officially give the bride a Ndebele name. Stage 3: Once the bride has her first baby, the wedding is complete.

SEPEDI WEDDING Many people take a liking to this culture and language because of their wedding ceremonies. The bride and grooms closest family members will get together to discuss the wedding and most importantly, the lebola. What happens here is the bride’s family, normally her mother and father, request certain items from the groom’s parents in exchange for their daughter. The items that are normally asked for are things like money and livestock, but they can literally ask for anything. If they would like a bottle of brandy, they can ask for that, or a television, whatever they ask for, the groom’s parents cannot refuse otherwise their son may not marry whom he wishes to marry. A Sepedi wedding is not held at a church, but rather at the bride’s or groom’s home. When the bride is dressed and ready for her wedding, she has to go to the river and collect enough water and wood for the ceremony. Her dress will be made from a cow’s hide and is called a Dintepa. The groom can wear a suit for the big day. When the bride has collected enough water and wood and completed her other tasks, she is now ready to walk to her husband-to-be, but while she is walking her grandmother sweeps the floor in front of her to “clear her way”. When the couple is married and everyone has been to congratulate them and the ceremony is done, a cow or sheep will be slaughtered and the meat is equally divided to both the families. Then the fun starts; the music played at Sepedi weddings is normally that of kiba music, which only the men are allowed to dance to.

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XHOSA WEDDING The process starts with the ukutwala (the taking), which occurs after the groom’s family has chosen a suitable bride for him. The men of the groom’s family collect the girl and take her to his house where she will awake the next morning. This is not kidnapping. The prospective bride is not harmed and may return to her family. It is just a formal method of signifying the intention to marry. One the girl returns home the groom’s family will start to negotiate labola with the bride’s family. Today, the bride and groom are familiar with each other and thus the ukutwala is more uncommon. If it is to happen, the bride may know about it beforehand. The size of labola varies depending on the wealth and status of the families and the advantage to gain from the marriage link and the desirability of the bride. Traditionally labola amounts to 8 heads of cattle. In the Xhosa tradition labola is never really paid up. This implies that the family link is a very important part of labola. It is a union that must be constantly renewed by visiting one’s in-laws, inviting them round, and in general maintaining good family relationships. Once labola is finalized, the marriage can take place. The wedding takes place at the groom’s house. An animal will be slaughtered as a sacrifice to the ancestors, inviting them to bless the occasion and introducing them to the bride. There are no formal invitations. Whoever wishes to can participate in the celebrations. The celebrations can go on for at least 2 days. The final stage of the marriage occurs when the bride and groom show themselves to the community by walking along the main road. (ukucanda ibala)

ZULU WEDDING The groom invites his in-laws to come to his home so that they will discuss the wedding date (Ukubona izinkomo). The groom pays the labola to the bride’s family and then they set a wedding date that is suitable for both families. After they agreed on a date the bride’s family will go back home with the cows and start the wedding preparation. The bride’s family buys gifts that she will give to her in-laws after the wedding ceremony such as: blankets, Zulu mats, brooms, clay pots, aprons and furniture. The family and relatives of the bride give gifts to the bride just to wish her a happy wedding and they advise her to be a good wife to her husband and family. (ukucimela). The bride’s mother gives her daughter a blanket that she will use to cover her body when she is leaving and her father will lead her to the kraal, and from the kraal they will go straight to the groom’s residence and the bride will be advised not to look back. The bride’s family comes early in the morning so that the bride will steal the gate. The bride enters her husband’s home while nobody is noticing her. She enters in the kitchen and sits in the women’s side of the house. Then the groom’s family will pay for not being aware of the bride, they should have stopped her before she entered the house. The groom’s family will welcome the bride’s family and show them the room in which they can stay. The ceremony will start at midday and both bride and groom wear their traditional clothes. The couple then go to an open place where they will perform their wedding and dance in the traditional way. After that they will go back home to eat. The bride will give her in-laws the gifts she brought and the groom’s family will give the bride an outfit that she will wear when she enters the kitchen Wedding bring two families together it actually build a relationship in the families that no one will separate because it also involves their ancestors. Makoti Magazine

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Makoti welcomes submissions from brides, vendors, and anyone else in the wedding and lifestyle industries. Real Wedding features are our favorite but we also welcome engagement shoots, styled shoots, wedding videos, bridal showers, newborn, maternity, portraits, and any other wedding or lifestyle related shoot. We love great photography and unique stories behind the photographs that will inspire our readers who are planning their own wedding and lifestyle shoots. General Guidelines Photos must be at least 800 pixels wide Submit 30-100 photos for real weddings (photo guidelines will be provided) Submit 20-30 photos for any other shoots Exclusive to MAKOTI - We do not feature weddings and other shoots that have already been featured elsewhere except the photographerâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s blog All vendors should be credited Expect a response from us within 5 business days

To be featured call Fikile on 011 036 2977 Makoti Magazine

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HOW TO MAKE THE PERFECT

UMQOMBOTHI? By: Mama Nontoyakhe Mbele

Umqombothi is a traditional beer made from maize (corn), maize malt, sorghum malt, yeast and water. YOU WILL NEED

It takes 4 days to make umqombothi using this recipe.

DAY 1

25 L bucket 2 Imiphongolo (Large containers for liquids that should be able to hold around 40 L. Consider using buckets that you have at your disposal if you donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t have large containers.) The largest pot you have in your house

1. Mix 5 kg mealie meal, 2 kg maize malt and 1 kg wheat malt in the 25 L bucket. 2. Add cold water to reach Âž level of the bucket and add 1 kettle of boiling water. 3. Mix all these ingredients together, place the lid on the bucket (But do not seal the lid, just place it on top.)

Ivovo (sieve) Ukhamba (calabash) to serve the beer

4. Leave the mixture to ferment overnight on a mat in a warm room.

INGREDIENTS

DAY 2

5 kg mealie meal

You should start to see the results of the fermentation in the mixture (it should be foamy).

2 kg umthombo wombila (maize malt) 4 kg umthombo wamabele (wheat malt)

1. Stir to lift ingredients resting at the bottom of the bucket.

Cold water

2. Fill the large pot with 3/5 of water and heat it to boiling point.

Boiling water

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3. Slowly add the fermented mixture to the boiling water until it forms the same texture as that of porridge.

container with the lid on top. Do not seal the lid, just place it on top.

4. Once cooked, empty some of the contents of the pot into the large container and leave a little cooked mixture in the pot.

3. Leave the mixture to ferment overnight on a mat in a warm room.

5. Slowly add more of the fermented mixture to fill the pot. You will have to keep adding warm water to ensure the porridge is smooth.

DAY 4

6. Repeat step 4 and 5 until all the fermented contents of the 25 lt bucket are cooked. 7. Leave the cooked porridge in the large container with the lid on top (do not seal the lid, just place it on top).

1. On the morning of day 4, the contents of the pot should have the appearance of umqombothi - a thick, rich foamy layer flowing out of the container. 2. Stir the ingredients

8. Allow to cool for the rest of the day and overnight.

3. Ivovo is a woven sieve and it is ideal for brewing umqombothi. Fill it with the mixture and twist to strain the liquid into the second large container.

DAY 3

4. Empty the sieve of the grains and repeat step 3 until all the mixture is strained.

1. Add the remaining 3 kg wheat malt to the cold porridge mixture and stir the ingredients together.

5. Bring out ukhamba, the calabash, and serve your umqombothi.

2. Leave the cold porridge and wheat malt mix in the large

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MOTHER-IN-LAW: ARE WE REALLY MEANT TO GET ALONG? By:Busisiwe Ndaba

Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;m extremely lucky with fate as it relates to my mother-in-law and father-in-law. We get along very well, which is fortunate, because we live right around the corner from my in-laws, and I mean right around the corner. You donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t even have to cross the street; one lone skinny townhouse separates our apartment buildings. I see my in-laws many times each month.

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Obviously, though, many people aren’t in such a happy circumstance. I’ve noticed that relationship problems with in-laws are among the most common issues that people raise – whether people complaining about their spouse’s parents, or people complaining about their kids’ spouses. In-laws have a unique power to drive us crazy.

yourself, “Am I living according to my own values?” If you are, criticism slides off more easily.

These tips apply, of course, only if your in-laws aren’t actually abusive, or dangerous, or so malicious that it’s just not possible to be around them. Assuming that they aren’t quite that horrible, here are some points to consider:

Try to keep some perspective. Samuel Johnson wrote, “All severity that does not tend to increase good, or prevent evil, is idle.” In keeping with this philosophy, I decided, “If it’s not actually harmful, I’ll let others take care of my daughters in their own way.” A friend of mine – the educational, wooden toy, no TV type of parent – was furious when her mother-inlaw bought her daughter a “My Little Pony” pony. They had a huge fight about it. Do you really want to have that fight?

1. Remember the mere exposure effect. It turns out that familiarity breeds affection. The "mere exposure effect" means that repeated exposure makes people like music, faces--even nonsense syllables--better. The more often you see another person, the more intelligent and attractive you tend to find that person. Instead of avoiding your mother-in-law, take the time to see her and talk to her. That may ease your relationship.

2. Act the way you want to feel. Before an encounter with your in-laws, take the time to put yourself in a friendly, calm frame of mind, or at least try to act that way when you see them. If you go into a situation acting angry, defensive, or suspicious, you'll invoke that emotion in yourself, and likely a negative reaction from others. If you’re feeling more light-hearted, you won’t be as quick to take offense.

3. Avoid pointless bickering. If you and your in-laws fight about something, like politics or religion, year after year, try to agree to disagree. Are you going to change the voting or eating habits of your 75-yearold father-in-law? Or your 35-year-old son-in-law? Similarly avoid carping. In general, pointing out people’s mistakes or criticizing their choices isn’t polite, and it isn’t welcome – and it’s not effective!

4. Mindfully articulate, and act in accordance with, your own values. One of the great mysteries of human nature is that when we accept ourselves, other people tend to accept us. When we don’t accept ourselves, people tend to pester us. If you know your own values, and live according to them, people’s pointed remarks don’t sting nearly as much, and strangely, they often back off For example, although she almost never says anything about it, I know that my mother-in-law wishes my children dressed in more classic kids’ clothes. Corduroy jumpers, tasteful dresses, etc. And truth be told, that’s what I would like them to wear, too. But that’s not what my daughters like. The big one wants to be more fashionable; the little one favors sparkles, sequins, and bright colors. A while back, I decided, “Within the boundaries of cost and age-appropriateness, I’ll let my daughters dress the way they like. This isn’t an issue where my taste needs to prevail. Because I’m living according to my own values, it doesn’t bother me that my mother-in-law doesn’t approve. I believe in my approach. So if you’re annoyed by someone’s remarks about your household décor, your income, your cooking, your work habits, your cleaning habits, your life decisions (starting a family, where to live, buying a kitten), ask

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5. Children, of course, can be a big source of contention.

6. Remember grandparent privilege. When I was little, my grandmother would buy us any junk food we wanted (chiefly Pop Tarts) and let us stay up until midnight watching TV. My sister and I loved it. Did this do us any lasting harm? No. And we didn’t expect junk food or midnight TV at home, either. Grandparents get to be indulgent, if they want. Or super-strict, or have weird rules. That’s grandparent privilege.

7. Remember parent privilege. Maybe you think it’s ridiculous for parents today to fuss so much about car seats, trans fats, violence on TV, allergies, rigidly enforced bedtimes, etc., etc. Or maybe you think your children are too permissive as parents. The fact is, most parents really want to do the right thing for their children, and if they feel that you don’t respect their rules and their approach, that will be an issue.

8. Respect others’ priorities. If you’re having trouble with someone, ask yourself, “What’s important to this person?” That we all have Thanksgiving dinner together? That we go to church together? That the grandchildren come visit for the weekend? That we dress a certain way? Unless it violates your deeply held principles, it’s generous to try to respect other people’s priorities – and it sure promotes peace. Even if you dismiss celebrating Mother’s Day as an empty, consumerist ritual, or you think it’s ridiculous to have to change into a button-down shirt for dinner, you can do it because it’s the loving thing to do.

9. Think about your spouse or your child. You’re in a relationship with this difficult in-law because of someone you love. What’s best for that person? Do you need to try to break the tension? Change the subject? Avoid difficult situations? Bite your tongue? Endure excruciating boredom? Sometimes you can behave nicely for someone else’s happiness, even if you’d be very happy to pitch a battle, if left to your own devices.

10. Focus on the positive. Find ways to be grateful for your in-laws. At the very least, your in-laws are the parents of your spouse, or the beloved of your child. Look for the good. Try to make jokes. It could probably be worse. Wait, you might be thinking, these strategies don't tell you how to deal with your difficult in-laws -- they tell you how to behave yourself. Well, guess what! You can only change yourself.

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HONEYMOON GUIDE: AFRICAN SAFARI By: Vicky Young

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KRUGER NATIONAL PARK

the wild animals. Follow the guidelines given to you by your lodge or game ranger. Most importantly, do not leave your vehicle when on a game drive, do not stand up in the safari vehicle or tease the animals.

Depending on how busy you want to be Safari honeymoons are the perfect mix of luxury, relaxation, romance and adventure. You and your new spouse will create some truly unique and memorable experiences. It is difficult to beat the thrill of seeing a leopard in its natural habitat or embarking on an early morning bush walk with the possibility of encountering rhino or lions at close range. Luxury private lodges will go the extra mile to add romance to your safari experience. Most offer superb dining, exquisitely decorated rooms and plunge pools. Rooms often have breathtaking views and all the frills to make your honeymoon unforgettable. At Kruger National Park you will have the chance to see the Big 5: Lion, Leopard, Rhino, Buffalo and Elephant. Game drives and walks are guided by experienced rangers.

Flying time from SA A hop, skip and a jump away

Location: Is what it's all about Kruger National Park, one of the largest game reserves in Africa, is situated within South Africa in the eastern parts of Limpopo and Mpumalanga provinces.

Approximately one hour from Johannesburg to Kruger Mpumalanga Airport. Driving time from Johannesburg to Kruger will depend on which gate you need to get to. Distances range from 400km to 600km so it could take between 4-6 hours of driving.

Why choose the Kruger National Park as your Vaccinations or medication necessary? honeymoon destination? Hakunamatata- which means no worries, but take precautions Game drives and bush walks, massages and rose petal turndowns, it's perfect For newlyweds who love adventure and wildlife, Kruger National Park is the ultimate honeymoon destination. Morning and evening game drives and bush walks give honeymooners the opportunity to track wildlife in their natural habitat. Private lodges offer world-class cuisine and romantic services such as massages and rose petal turndowns. What a way to start your life together.

CAPE TOWN, THE MOTHER CITY

When to go: To be, or not to be in doors. A safari honeymoon in Kruger is best in winter when vegetation is thin and the rainfall low as this brings animals to watering holes for easy viewing. Summer (Dec-Feb) is lush and beautiful but can be hot with temperatures in the mid to upper 30's and the dense vegetation makes it a little more difficult to view wildlife.

Currency: What your Rand is worth The South African Rand. 1 Rand = 100 cents.

Language: Communication is the key South Africa has 11 official languages. English is the language of politics, media and business and can generally be understood across the country. Afrikaans,

Location: Is what it's all about

Zulu and Xhosa are also amongst the most widely spoken languages in South Africa.

Situated on the southwestern coast of South Africa, in the Western Cape province.

Safety: Keep it real

Why choose Cape Town as your honeymoon destination?

The biggest safety concerns in the Kruger National Park are

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Clear skies, white sands and blue oceans, it‚Äôs perfect. Cape Town is an incredibly romantic city. The sight of majestic mountains set against clear skies, white sands and blue oceans is enough to take your breath away. The city is culturally diverse offering bustling markets, a wide variety of cuisines and beautiful architecture. Romance is kindled overlooking the lights of the city nestled beneath towering mountains. The surrounding wine lands and coastline provide plenty for newlyweds to explore together.

MAURITIUS, A MAGICAL BEACH DESTINATION

When to go: To be, or not to be in doors. Cape Town temperatures reach well into the mid-30‚Äôs in summer and drop to 7oC in winter but both seasons are equally alluring. Summer is perfect for honeymooners that want to spend time on one of the pristine beaches or at a resort overlooking the ocean. Winter is perfect fornewlyweds who want to cuddle up next to roaring fires, drinking wine from one of the local vineyards.

Currency: What your rand is worth The South African Rand. 1 Rand = 100 cents.

Language: Communication is the key South Africa has 11 official languages. English is the language of politics, media and business and can generally be understood across the country. Afrikaans, Zulu and Xhosa are also amongst the most widely spoken languages in South Africa.

Safety: Keep it real Cape Town has a high crime rate much like the rest of South Africa, however newlyweds should not be deterred from honeymooning here. Common sense and vigilance will help to avert any potentially threatening situation.

Depending on how busy you want to be Cape Town has some beautiful beaches and even in winter newlyweds can stroll along the coastline or dine in seaside restaurants for romantic views of the ocean. The combined scenery of ocean and mountains is the perfect backdrop for any adventure in the city. Visit Green Market Square to browse the stalls, catch the ferry to Robben Island for a historic tour or ride the cable car to the top of Table Mountain for breathtaking views of the city and surrounds. A day trip to one of the outlying wine farms is a perfect outing for lovebirds. Somewhere between Cape Point and Cape Agulhas the warm Indian Ocean meets the cool Atlantic Ocean. Climb the steps of Cape Agulhas lighthouse and enjoy panoramic views of the ocean.

Location: Is what it's all about Situated in The Indian Ocean, approximately 900 km east of Madagascar and 2000 kilometers off the southeastern coast of Africa.

Why choose Mauritius as your honeymoon destination? Ivory coastline and lush tropical forests, it's perfect With its tropical climate, the island of Mauritius offers newlyweds favourable weather all year round. Over 177 km of ivory coastline and lush tropical forests provide the perfect honeymoonbackdrop. Spend time lazing on white beaches, swimming in blue lagoons and sipping on Strawberry Daiquiri's. After a long day on the beach, share an authentic Creole meal before you snuggle up in your luxury hotel room or seaside villa.

When to go: To be, or not to be in doors. The wetter summer months of December to March tend to be quite hot and humid with temperatures reaching as high as 35oC. The perfect time to visit is in the months of June to September which offer less rain and more comfortable temperatures of 18-25oC.

Currency: What your Rupee is worth

Flying time in SA

The Mauritian Rupee. 1 rupee=100 cents.

A hop, skip and a jump away Approximately two hours from Johannesburg and one hour from Durban.

Vaccinations or medication necessary? Hakunamatata- which means no worries No vaccinations are necessary for domestic travelling to Cape Town.

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Language: Communication is the key The most commonly spoken languages are English, French and Creole.

Safety: Keep it real Crime levels in Mauritius are low, however tourists are advised to use common sense. Hang onto personal belongings and take care when withdrawing money. Stick to well lit,

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populated areas and avoid the beaches at night. A tourist police service is operational.

Depending on how busy you want to be Endless days of swimming and sunbathing top the honeymoon to-do list in Mauritius. In Mauritius most activities centre around the warm, turquoise waters and almost every kind of water sport is on offer from fishing and sailing to surfing and scuba diving. The flat waters are perfect for waterskiing, windsurfing or taking a romantic kayak trip. Abundant coral reefs provide ideal snorkeling and scuba diving conditions and most hotels can organise equipment. If your spouse enjoys surfing, the best conditions are between June and August. Golf enthusiasts will not be disappointed as Mauritius offers some well-designed golf courses with beautiful scenery. The more active honeymooner can enjoy horse-riding, hiking or tennis during the day and can then dance the night away at one of the local clubs or casinos when the sun goes down!

Flying time from SA A hop, skip and a jump away Approximately 4 hours from Johannesburg

Vaccinations or medication necessary? Hakunamatata- which means no worries, but take precautions A yellow fever vaccination certificate is required for travelers coming from an area classified as an endemic zone by the World Health Organisation.

THE MAJESTIC SPICE ISLANDS OF ZANZIBAR

Coral reefs and swimming in crystal waters, it's perfect Known as the Spice Islands, Zanzibar is a honeymooner’s paradise; an archipelago made up of Zanzibar Island (Unguja), Pemba Island and several smaller islets. Spend hours together discovering coral reefs and swimming in crystal waters or take a stroll on the beach whilst sipping on a coconut-based sundowner. Interesting historic buildings add a touch of romance to the islands too.

When to go: To be, or not to be in doors With its tropical climate, Zanzibar offers ideal weather for most of the year. The humid summer months of December to February can see temperatures rise as high as 35oC. The months of June-October are more favourable with temperatures ranging between 23-30oC -still hot but not scorching! If you don‚Äôt want to spend each day of your honeymoon indoors, we recommend that you avoid the rainy months of March till May. And you may wish to rethink this destination if you are getting married during Ramadan. During this fasting month, tourists are required to respect the local Muslim population by not eating or drinking in public. Ramadan dates vary each year as it is a ‚Ä'moving holiday‚Ä' so make sure to find out the dates before booking your honeymoon getaway.

Currency: What your shilling is worth The Tanzanian shilling. US dollars are also widely accepted.

Language: Communication is the key The most commonly spoken languages are Swahili and English.

Safety: Keep it real Zanzibar is a low crime area but tourists are advised against carrying valuables and walking around Stone Town at night.

Depending on how busy you want to be Besides mastering the art of doing nothing while lazing on Zanzibar’s¬† tropical beaches, newlyweds may want to explore the island. Spice tours are highly recommended and you‚Äôll get to sample different foods and dishes using popular spices produced on the island. Explore the narrow streets and markets of historic Stone Town where there are plenty of photo opportunities for the creative eye. ¬†Jozani forest is another place you may like to visit – here you will see the rare and endangered Red Colobus Monkey. If you just feel like keeping to the beach, then aromantic boat cruise off the southern tip of the island is often rewarded with the sighting of bottle nosed dolphins.

Flying time from SA A hop, skip and a jump away Four and a half hours from Johannesburg

Location: Is what it's all about Situated in The Indian Ocean, approximately 40 kilometers off the coast of Tanzania in East Africa.

Why choose Zanzibar as your honeymoon destination?

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PLANNING YOUR HONEYMOON Romantic Honeymoon Landscapes From the moment you accepted his proposal, you’ve been planning, planning, planning – venues, food, invitations, dresses, suits, flowers, entertainment…the list seems endless and the work never done! The honeymoon gives you and your new spouse an opportunity to put your feet up and relax, but… have you even thought about your honeymoon yet? Browsing through these six honeymoon destination ideas may give you some much-need inspiration…

Destination: Cruise Liner Boat cruises cater for your every needs – meals, drinks, theatres, casinos, spas, sun and sparkling pools…you will have it all, with a magnificent view of the open ocean. Imagine sipping a cool mojito, as you watch a school of dolphins racing alongside ship’s bow…or experiencing the sights, sounds and smells of different places, as you dock at various ports along the way…

Destination: Out of Africa Safari getaways are quintessentially romantic and luxurious…Imagine the thrill of seeing Africa’s Big Five up close…or appreciating the spectacular African vista from a hot air balloon…then talking about the excitement of the day beside the camp fire, enjoying red wine and cuddles, before rising the next morning to a spectacular African sunrise, watching the animals making their way down to the waterhole…

Destination: Country Manor The countryside conjures up images of lush, rolling hills and rambling roses…perfect for romantic walks along a riverbank and a picnic under a shady, old tree. Imagine staying at a luxurious country manor, visiting vineyards and cheeseries, eating delicious meals and then, after a long day’s fun, snuggling up in a gigantic four-poster bed…

Destination: Beach Paradise Lazing for days on an exotic beach, working that tan, will certainly help you unwind after the stress of the wedding. But there can be so much more to a beach holiday than that. Consider the host of activities available – scuba diving, jet skiing, windsurfing, surfing, sport fishing, exploring nearby islands or towns, shark-cage diving, boat trips or dolphin and whale watching. Imagine dinner on the ocean’s edge – sea sand beneath your toes, water lapping nearby, fairy lights twinkling…

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Destination: Mountain Lodge There’s nothing more dramatic than breathtaking mountain scenery…Imagine driving – or even cycling – along a rugged mountain pass, stopping off at quaint mountain villages for delicious cappuccinos. Mountain holidays offer a variety of activities – skiing, horse riding, mountain biking and hiking, fly-fishing or simply enjoying the cool mountain air.

to-be-wife’s input on this last option if you don’t want to spend your honeymoon nights on the couch!). Consider the weather and time of year as off-peak will be cheaper.

How long? As long as it takes Although we’d all like to spend the rest of eternity in a cozy cabin, drenched in love and free from any responsibilities, most of us have responsibilities back home and can’t afford to stay away for too long a period. The average honeymoon period is anywhere between seven and ten days, depending on your responsibilities (work and family) and financial position.

Budget: Don’t go over board When planning your honeymoon, stick to your budget as much as possible. Many couples think that since this is a once-off happening (which it should be) that they can go overboard and max out their credit cards. Even though this is something beautiful that you deserve to celebrate, you will eventually have to come back and face the music - why start your new life off on a negative bank balance? Rather stick to your budget and enjoy wherever you are, in peace, knowing that the home base is covered.

Destination: City Break For those who prefer the bright lights, a honeymoon in the city is ideal. So much to do and see – museums, historical landmarks, shopping, theatres, casinos, nightclubs, five-star restaurants and more…

Do you tell?: Of course not

With you having a finger in every possible pie, it’s just fair that your soon- to-be other half does his share and plan an unforgettable romantic honeymoon! He won’t be getting his hands dirty with mundane arrangements - this is such an exciting project, and when planned well, something to look forward to. So, he’s agreed to keep his side of the bargain – what’s the next step?

The big question: Do you tell? She is involved in every single detail of this wedding - has her finger on the pulse constantly - she knows everything from the font that will be used on the wedding stationary to the songs the DJ would play - why not keep the honeymoon a surprise? She will love you for it! What she might not love is sitting in a classy restaurant with her t-shirt and sarong, so give her enough information on what to pack (remind her of the airline restrictions on luggage - you can find this detail on the inside of your ticket). If you have to go online in search of packages or accommodation, do it at a friend’s house. This is the only time you are allowed to keep anything from her, so revel in it!

To the Groom: Don’t hold back

Loose ends: Tie them up

First things first – where would you be spending your wedding night? A wise choice would be somewhere close to the reception - the build-up to this big day and the excitement on the day itself will take a lot out of both of you – arrange to stay over somewhere that doesn’t involve you driving too far (especially after the bubbly and who knows what else!). If you are planning to party till the break of dawn, an exclusive honeymoon suite will be a waste, as you won’t have time to enjoy the luxury. If you however, decide to stay at the reception just long enough to be polite, I suggest you splash out. Don’t hold back, get a place where you’ll be treated like royalty, a place where you can put your feet up and reminisce over the day’s events. A comfortable place where you can start off your journey as husband and wife.

There are a few important matters to keep in mind when planning your holiday. Make a checklist and keep it handy, this way nothing important will be left out. Organise your passports, insurance if necessary (medical and otherwise), travelers cheques and cash if you are going on an overseas trip. See to it that you have strong, durable luggage and that each item has a name tag. These items might not get noticed when everything is going according to plan, but if it doesn’t, you will not feel the effect thereof and can continue whispering sweet little nothings in peace!

To the Bride: Sit back and relax

Destination: The world is your oyster The choice of your honeymoon destination needs to be based on both your preferences (even though she might not be involved in the decision making) - what kinds of environment do you both love? Decide whether it will be local or international – there are many options to choose from, depending on your preference and budget: Tropical beaches, the mountains, a safari getaway, a peaceful lake experience or a tough-it-up adventure (it would be wise to get your soon-

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When to leave: Is entirely up to you It’s important not to upset the new in-laws, and through this upset the Missus. Some people prefer seeing their family the next day and leaving the day thereafter, others prefer leaving as soon as possible. Discuss this with your fiance and come to an agreement that suits you both. This is a good time to learn the gift of compromise! With everything sorted, you probably feel proud of yourself for doing an outstanding job, pondering what a great husband you’ll be and come to the conclusion that you have more than done your share‚Ä - Not quite. Lovingly ask her if there is anything else that you can do for her. By making life easier for her, you are indirectly making life easier for yourself!

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RELATIONSHIP ADVICE

The Therapist

Ask

Ask Dr. Maseko Nokuthula about Relationships. Dr. Maseko is licensed as both a psychologist and marriage and family counselor. She specializes in couples and family therapy and parent education Jealousy/Self Esteem Issues Is Taking Over My Life

you that, if it continues, he will eventually grow tired and move on. Trust is very important in a relationship and if you don’t have it, it’s hard to move forward and grow as a couple. However, even more importantly, not only are you hurting your relationship, you are just hurting, period. Living this way is not living.

I have been with my current boyfriend for 1 year and 3 months now (my longest/only serious relationship) And since I was the age of 4 or 5 I have always had self esteem issues because of my sister constantly calling me fat and ugly saying that no one will ever love me. Then getting her friends in on it by calling me slut and telling me to go cut myself like the little emo b**ch I am. And being molested at the same time this is happening I am quite sure that this is where started. But I would go on diets and work out. And as I aged my self esteem has gotten much worse. I am aware that I am a okay looking girl. But I have the constant need to be perfect. To look in the mirror and be happy. To be in a room full of the most beautiful women in the world and feel confident. And well the main issue I want to address is that my boyfriend cant be around any girl what so ever without me getting jealous. Whether its his own cousins, someones step mom, long term friends, if they are attractive at all I get extremely jealous and insecure we cant even go out anywhere without me saying “you were staring at her butt weren’t you” “you were looking at her” “you sure were staring mighty hard at her face” “did you enjoy that car ride with her tits hangingout”…You get the point lol. Like its always something that I feel insecure about and I have tried to figure out what I can do, looked up so many things, talked about it with him.I don’t trust him and feel like he wants anything with tits and ass. I snoop all the time on his facebook. I feel like he wants other girls. Hes honest by saying he can find another girl pretty and it does not matter because he does not want them but to me it does matter and I feel like he does want them. I am always making up scenarios and problems. That do not exist. He says he can put up with it because he loves me but I cant. I just cant put up with it anymore its driving me absolutely crazy! (age 18, from US)

It is time to face the demons of your past and get some help. You list several ways in which you experienced trauma as a child and you are still carrying the wounds. You were molested, your sister verbally abused you, and you’ve had self-esteem and body image issues since you were very young. These issues are not going to go away on their own. I would suggest that you find a therapist who can help you heal from the past and develop the self-confidence that eludes you. Meanwhile, lean on your boyfriend for support and encouragement, don’t use him as a punching bag. All the best,

Is My Boyfriend Gay? From Turkey: Back in July I met a guy through a friend. He found me through my friend’s Facebook page. After 2 weeks he wanted to become a couple. He seemed to rush things. He invited me to a wedding on the 10th day of our relationship, wanted to go on holiday with me and talked to his mother and sister about me. Then he inteoduced me to his friends. I thought such things were too premature at this early stage. In the meantime, I had a feeling like he had no relationship before and that I was his first girlfriend. In the first month of our relationship he seemed so much in love with me, he would text me all day although he was at work. At week 3, he wanted to have sex, but I told him it’s too early. He first got disappointed and asked if I don’t want him and we are both above 30 years old. I explained him that I want it to be special and not in rush. He understood.

Your boyfriend may be able to “put up with” this pattern of jealousy and insecurity now, but I can almost guarantee

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In the beginning of September he got distant with me. He stopped texting like he used to do and he stopped calling. But

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every time we got together, he still seemed so much in love with me. In mid-September he wanted to organize a holiday with me for the end of September. A night before our holiday we got intimate again and I asked him if we could wait until our holiday one more night. I wanted our first time to be in a very romantic atmosphere. He understood and we cuddled. I need to say that his penis was very small, 7 cm when erected and it has always been a question mark for me. But I have never mentioned about it and he didn’t seem to care either. On our holiday, I wanted to have sex but he opened his eyes with fear and told me it is too early for sex and we don’t know each other yet. He even didn’t undress me. He said dry sex is pleasant too. The second night we slept without even dry sex. A week after the holiday, he broke up with me via text message saying he doesn’t love me anymore. But a night before, he wanted to see me and he seemed so much in love. I am clueless. Thanks for the help. A: I’m sure this is very confusing and disappointing. Nothing you have said tells me anything about his sexual orientation. His penis size is irrelevant. His behavior with you could be caused by many things. My only guess is that he may be in some kind of approach/avoidance tension with love and sex. Your story reminds me of teenagers who want so much to be in love and to have sex but who are, at the same time, terrified of both. His behavior makes a kind of sense if his interest in you was his first attempt at a relationship or if he has had a number of failed relationships. The only way to know for sure is to ask him. If you can be curious and not take whatever he says as a personal rejection, you have little to lose by asking him what happened. But if your feelings are still raw, it may be better for you to remind yourself that his pursuit seemed too fast from the start and that this gentleman has too many problems to be a partner for you. I wish you well.

Help! I’ve Been Extremely Depressed, Anxious and Paranoid for Months Now I think I should start off by saying I didn’t have a very good childhood. My parents divorced when I was 5, my dad was a meth addict, and my mom was always busy working to provide for us that I spent most of my time at my grandparents. I was overweight and very shy, and hardly even tried to make friends because of my lack of self confidence that caused me to always assume no one would like me. My mom remarried and we moved to Los Angeles, and my stepdad was very emotionally, physically, and verbally abusive. My mom always took his side when he would attack me because she was scared of another divorce. She wouldn’t let me talk about his abuse to anyone in fear of him getting arrested. I developed anorexia at age 14 and was obsessed with running to lose weight. I became so thin that I was nearly hospitalized. Eventually I came out to my family that I’m gay. I developed a great group of friends, my eating disorder was no more and I have enjoyed as much food as I want ever since. I have lost all of those great friends I made, some because of my own self destructive behavior (I have had a tendency to lie for years now, and am just now trying to change. I haven’t told a lie in 6 months), and some of the friends I lost because they were just genuinely bad people who turned on me. I have been cheated on in every relationship I’ve had. I was

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a straight A student in high school, having the highest GPA in my grade levels, until my senior year. Suddenly something came over me and I stopped caring. I started skipping school and staying home and sleeping all day. I couldn’t do anything. I didn’t want to do anything. I was very depressed. I should also add that my mom kicked me out 3 different times in high school each after my stepdad abused me. She says it was for my safety but I also believe she wanted to make him happy, because he didn’t want me around. It hurt more than I could explain. So I went to stay with my drug addict father who I didn’t have a relationship with, and then to my grandmas house. I just gave up on school altogether sadly. I eventually moved back to Limpopo when I was 17 and my mom hasn’t let me stay home since. She has branded me as a bad kid. My stepdad texts me every now and then and tells me to go fuck myself. Anyways, I have dealt with it all relatively decently in terms of mood. I have always learned to just laugh it off and be the funny one. But 2 years ago I suddenly went through a very dark period in my life. I became extremely depressed, to the point where I couldn’t function. I had disturbing intrusive thoughts, which led me to be extremely paranoid that I had a brain tumor. I couldn’t even go out to dinner with family because I was so paranoid that I couldn’t sit still. There wasn’t ever even a reason for my paranoia or anxiety. It was just there. For months I kept thinking I had something wrong with my brain, because I would have constant headaches and intrusive thoughts and the paranoia/anxiety over everything. Eventually, after months of constantly talking to my mom and her reassuring me I was fine, I felt normal again. It all went away. I began dating a new guy and I was probably the happiest I’ve ever been. We were together for 2 years. And recently he moved, broke up with me out of nowhere, told me he was using me for my money and so I could drive him places, and his friends (who had become my friends) all told me they were using me too. I had a complete mental breakdown and I numbed it by smoking marijuana with a friend of mine. I smoked every night for 2 months and I was able to feel fine. However then it all started happening again. The constant paranoia and anxiety, the constant depression. I have begun worrying that I am going crazy, or that I’m skitzofrenic or psychotic even though I have never seen or heard anything that wasn’t there. I am worried about my brain again. I am worried about simple things like going to see a movie, or going to the store, and literally for no reason. The intrusive thoughts and images are back and stronger than ever. And I’m having extremely random memories. Like I’ll see a house on tv and suddenly my brain will remind me of a location I’ve been to in real life that barely looks like it but kind of. And yesterday I was at the hospital visiting a family member and a hallway in the hospital reminded me of a dream I had when I was in high school of a hallway that looked like it. It is all very bizarre and I don’t know what’s happening to me. I moved in with my grandparents hoping that I would go away, and although it has lessened, it is still very much here every day. I need help. I have never had a job and I want one, and I want to go back to school, but I’m so terrified of my anxiety and depression and paranoia getting in the way. A: Thank you for writing us. I think your situation would lend itself best to group therapy. In group therapy the issues you have identified in your family of origin and with your mom and stepdad would be addressed through the process of interaction within the group. I highly recommend finding a seasoned group therapist and join an ongoing group. This will provide a safe forum for you to both get support and make corrections in your life. Wishing you patience and peace.

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LOVE & CARE

By: Pastor Kenny Dlamini

100 WAYS YOU CAN LOVE YOUR HUSBAND HIS WAY

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A husband considers romance to be one way and the wife considers it to be another. The wife provides many romantic gestures which go unnoticed by her husband, because it wasn’t romantic to him. The husband can spend precious time doing what he thinks will bless and romance his wife only to discover she didn’t appreciate it at all. “What is wrong? Are the gestures extended not romantic or thoughtful? No. Are the recipients ungrateful and self-absorbed? No. The spouse is simply not romancing their spouse in a way that is romantic to them! “This is a great truth that once practiced is sure to produce lasting fruit. Study your spouse. Find out what romance means to them? It may surprise you! But if you do your homework you will become the master of what really turns your spouse on!” (Tom and Debi, from Theromanticvineyard.com article, “10 Hindrances to Cultivating a Romantic Vineyard”) Discuss the following list with your husband. Ask him to check the ones most meaningful and then arrange them in order of importance to him. Use this list as a basis for learning his views. Your relationship can be greatly strengthened as you use the suggestions, which work for your marriage —but keep in mind that these are ONLY SUGGESTIONS —not all or any of them have to be used. 01. Respectfully communicate with him.

year to achieve together to feel closer as a marital team.

02. Let him know he’s important to you.

22. Don’t over commit yourself. Leave time for him.

03. Purposefully try to understand his feelings—even when you disagree with him.

23. Extend God’s grace to him and be forgiving when he offends you.

04. Show interest in his friends giving him some time with them if they’re trust-worthy.

24. Find ways to show him you need him. 25. Give him time to be alone. (This energizes him to reconnect at other times.)

05. Let go of the small stuff. We all have annoying habits and preferences that are different from our spouse’s. (Dave Ramsey)

26. Admit your mistakes; don’t be afraid to be humble. Peel away your pride.

06. Tell him you both love him AND like him.

27. Defend him to those who disrespectfully talk about him. Love protects (1 Cor. 13:7).

07. Either show interest in his hobbies or allow him space to participate freely. (D Ramsey)

28. Respect his desire to do well—not his performance.

08. Protect his dignity on a daily basis.

29. Rub his feet or neck, or scratch his back after a hard day.

09. When confronting him, realize he has feelings also.

30. Take time for the two of you to sit and talk calmly (schedule it when necessary).

10. Foster an atmosphere of laughter in your home. Look for ways to laugh together.

31. Initiate going out on romantic outings (when he’s not tired).

11. Try not to make sudden major changes without discussion, giving him time to adjust.

32. Email him when he’s at work, telling him how much you love him.

12. When you go out on a date together don’t bring up problems—have fun instead.

33. Surprise him with a fun gift of some kind that he’d really enjoy.

13. Focus on what he’s doing right, instead of focusing so often on the negatives.

34. Express how much you appreciate him for working so hard to support the family.

14. Show interest in what he feels is important in life. 15. Give him special time with you apart from the children.

35. Tell him how proud you are of him for who he is (giving him specific reasons).

16. The first minutes after a spouse comes home often sets the stage for how the rest of the evening will go. Try to make that time a positive experience. (Ease into the negative.)

36. Give advice in a loving way — not in a nagging or belittling way. 37. Help your husband to be the Spiritual head at home (without “lording” it over him).

17. Give him time to unwind after he gets home from work. Your evenings will be much more enjoyable. (Dave Ramsey)

38. Reserve some energy for him so you’re not so tired when he wants you sexually.

18. Don’t allow family members to treat him disrespectfully. Defend him to anyone that dishonors his place as your husband.

39. Don’t expect him to do projects beyond his natural capabilities. 40. Pray for him to enjoy God’s best in life.

19. Compliment him often.

41. Take special notice for what he has done for you and the family.

20. Be creative when you express your love, both in words and in actions.

42. Brag about him to other people both in front of him and even when he’s not there.

21. Talk with him about having specific family goals for each

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43. Keep conversations brief when he’s tired—so he isn’t “flooded” by too many words.

71. When things go wrong, instead of assessing blame, focus on how to do better.

44. Tell him 3 things you specifically appreciate about him.

72. As a kindness, don’t say, “I told you so.”

45. Honor him in front of the children (differ respectfully in private when necessary).

73. Try not to argue over money. Peacefully discuss future expenditures instead.

46. “Look straight into the eyes of your husband when he talks to you or if you’re speaking to him. This will make him feel that you are interested in what he wants to say.” (J. Clain)

74. Take him out on dates—pre-planning all of the details ahead of time. 75. Hold his hand and snuggle up close to him at times both at home and in public.

47. Get up with him, even when he gets up earlier than you want to and pray with him (you can go back to bed afterward, if possible —it’s a sacrifice worth making.)

76. Praise his good decisions; minimize the bad ones. 77. Tell him you love him more often.

48. Be his “help-mate” in whatever ways you sense he needs it.

78. Put love notes in his pockets and brief case. 79. Sit with him while he’s watching TV—even if the program doesn’t interest you.

49. Participate in shoulder-to-shoulder activities with him (like watching a movie and such) without talking. Sometimes men just like to BE with you and not talk.

80. Don’t expect him to read your mind (despite your thinking he should— extend grace).

50. Be a student of his ways so you show your love in ways he best comprehends it.

81. Periodically, give him time with his family alone.

51. When your husband is in a bad mood give him time to recover. Don’t crowd him.

82. Check with him before you throw away his papers and stuff, when possible.

52. Help him to finish his goals, hobbies, or education when your see he needs it.

83. Put effort in to keep yourself in good shape so he’s especially proud to be with you.

53. Treat him as if God has stamped on his forehead: “Handle With Care.”

84. Let him express himself freely, without fear of being called stupid or illogical.

54. Work to get rid of habits that annoy him.

85. Carefully choose your words. Remember to “speak the truth in LOVE.”

55. Be kind and thoughtful to his relatives. Don’t make him choose between you.

86. Don’t criticize him in front of others—keeping his dignity in tact.

56. Don’t compare his relatives with yours in a negative way.

87. Visit his childhood home with him.

57. Thank him for things he’s done around the house. (It means a lot to men).

88. When you’re angry, express it in respectful ways. Don’t give the silent treatment.

58. Don’t expect credit for all you do for him. Do it as “unto the Lord.”

89. Pray for him. 90. Make him homemade soup when he’s sick.

59. Make sure he agrees with everything important that you’re planning to do.

91. Look your best—dress to honor him and make him proud to be seen with you when you’re out together.

60. Do little things for him—let him sleep in, bring him coffee, etc.

92. Support him when someone tries to put him down. Be his best cheer leader.

61. Don’t belittle his intelligence or be cynical in your words with him.

93. Don’t disagree with him in front of the children.

62. Initiate sex periodically. And respond more often.

94. Take him for a weekend get-away without the children.

63. Sometimes let him enjoy his day off work without having to “work” at home.

95. Cheer his successes whether in business or in other areas of everyday living.

64. Get to the point in your discussions. Spare him details unless he wants them.

96. Graciously teach him how to demonstrate his love for you.

65. Discover his sexual needs.

97. Give him coupons to redeem—maybe for a back scratch or a shoulder rub.

66. Surprise him with a 15 second kiss when he gets home from work.

98. Buy him a gift certificate to his favorite lunch spot and put it in his wallet.

67. Wink at him from across the room when you’re out at a group function. 68. Give him the benefit of the doubt when he mis-speaks.

99. Hide notes for him around the house where only he will find them.

69. Don’t quarrel over words.

100. Thank him for just being himself.

70. Be kind and courteous with him. (Don’t be kinder to strangers than to him.)

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FINANCE & INVESTMENT

By: Noloyiso Mhinga

FINANCIAL TIPS FOR NEWLY MARRIED COUPLES

“For better or for worse… For richer or for poorer.” This is what most of us promise to our spouse when we pledge ourselves in marriage. But unfortunately, many couples today can’t seem to survive either richer or poorer due to poor money management skills. Some couples stick with their own individual way of managing money, which may or may not mesh with their spouse’s. Others may take the responsibility all on their own shoulders or shove it onto their spouse instead. Some spouses even lie, cheat, and overspend, and cause all trust within the relationship to be a distant memory. As a newly married couple, how can you prevent these tragedies from happening in your own marriage? There is definitely hope, but you need to act early. In fact, money management can actually be a rewarding way to bond with your loved one. Here are steps to take and tips to make sure you get on the right track for a lifetime of properly managing your joint finances. Managing your own money can be challenging enough. But incorporating your spouse’s finances can be overwhelming. In other words, don’t expect to be an expert right away. The two of you have some things to work out and should take plenty of time to do so. Follow these nine steps one step at a time so you and your spouse can easily get accustomed to healthy financial habits.

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1. Start Talking About Finances It’s best to do this before you get married, but if you have not, discuss finances with your new spouse as soon as possible. You’ll need to go over what accounts you have and how much debt you carry. You’ll also want to be clear on how you expect money to be handled. For example, let your spouse know if you expect him or her to discuss purchases over $100 with you first. Make sure each person has a good understanding of where you stand financially as a couple and the expectations that the other holds.

2. Write Down Goals After you have determined your baseline financial status, discuss your long-term financial goals in-depth. For example, do you plan to retire at a certain age? Do you want to get out of debt and become a millionaire? My husband and I agreed on goals that included sticking to a budget each month and becoming a one-income family, so that I could be a stay-at-home mom. Make sure to write all of

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your goals down and review them periodically. You’ll have a much better chance at success if you do.

3. Discuss Bank Accounts There are both pros and cons to opening a joint bank account or to maintaining your individual accounts after you’re married. You can even do both. Combining accounts can simplify your finances and may help breed trust in a marriage. Moreover, it may be especially valuable when one spouse chooses to take on more household or child-rearing duties than the other and as a result there is inequality in income. That said, some level of independence may be preferable to you both, though it can also make it easy for you or your spouse to hide certain purchases or spending habits. Plus, given the high divorce rate, keeping separate bank accounts can provide you some measure of protection should your spouse decide to “take the money and run.” Discuss this at length with your spouse to make sure you’re both comfortable with whatever you decide.

4. Build an Emergency Fund If you don’t already have an emergency fund, consider making this a top priority. An emergency fund is money that is set aside in case something expensive happens unexpectedly, such as a lost job, family illness, natural disaster, or a major home repair. Aim to save about 6 months’ worth of your household expenses in case the emergency is that you have no income. Building an emergency fund should be a priority because it will bring financial security and protect your relationship in case disaster strikes.

7. Have Weekly Money Meetings One thing that has really helped me and my husband stay on track is our weekly money meetings. During meetings, we discuss how our budget looks for the month, if we have any upcoming bills to pay, how we are doing with our financial goals, and anything else that is related to money. These meetings are great because they strengthen the communication in our marriage as well as our level of trust. We always know where we stand financially and that we’re both doing our best to keep that on solid ground. Setting aside time to talk also helps us to stop worrying about money because we know that money matters will be dealt with.

8. Save for Retirement Whether you’re married or not, you need to make sure you are set financially for the long haul. This means you need to save for retirement now. If you work for a company that offers a 401k plan, put in the maximum amount allowed to take advantage of any company matching, or at least contribute as much as you can afford. If you have a Roth IRA, put in the maximum amount every year if at all possible. But even if you can’t max out these accounts, even putting $50 in a month will help you over the long term. Because of compounding interest, time is just as important as money when it comes to growing your retirement fund, so don’t delay.

5. Design a Budget As I mentioned, one of my goals with my husband is to ensure that we are within budget each month. So we don’t go into debt, we limit how much we’re allowed to spend in certain monthly budget categories, such as food, dining out, and entertainment. Start by reviewing your joint expenses over the last few months to determine how much you’ve been spending and if you need to bring that amount down. Then, establish dollar limits per category that you create according to your after-tax income. Don’t forget to allocate for unexpected or irregular expenses, such as routine car maintenance or doctor’s appointments. Your budget may be a work in progress, so don’t worry if you have to make adjustments, especially over the first few months.

6. Track Your Budget It’s not enough to just make a budget. You need to make sure you stay within your spending allotment and adjust accordingly as your situation, expenses, or income changes. One very effective way to stick to your budget is to use the envelope budgeting system. This is perfect for young couples who typically have lower incomes and must be careful not to overspend. Another approach is to design a spreadsheet that tracks all your spending and totals it up at the end of the month. You can also make use of certain debit and credit card tools that will breakdown your expenses per category. Just make sure you’re paying off your credit card charges each month. Try out a few different methods and do whatever works best for you and your spouse.

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9. Get Out of Debt and Stay Out of Debt Debt can be damaging to any one person, but it is a double threat when you’re married because two people are responsible for paying the money back. Start your marriage out right by eradicating debt and not racking it up again. Work out a plan with your spouse on how to get out and stay out of debt. I suggest reading The Total Money Makeover by Dave Ramsey. Living a debt-free life is not only healthy for you financially, but it is also healthy for your marriage. Marriage and money can be tricky, but the best thing you can do is be open and honest. Start off on the right foot by talking about money management and coming up with a solid plan to deal with budgeting, spending, and investing. The sooner you do this, the better. If you form good money management habits as a newly married couple, you’ll be able to work as a team through whatever life throws at you for many years to come.

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SEX & INTIMACY

By: Pamela Mazibuko

5 CHEAPEST WAYS TO TURN YOUR HUSBAND ON You don't need a lot of money to plan an off-the-charts sexual experience with the man you love. You don't need a 5-star hotel, expensive outfit or $100 bottle of wine. All you need is your heart and a little creativity.

Can't afford the R800 negligee?

your hand (appropriately) on his knee or back of his neck -- or use your fingernails to gently trace each of his fingers.

No cash for a one-night hotel getaway?

(P.S. You don't have to wait for a boring event to do this. Any time you'll be away from the house together is good. Going to a wedding or wedding reception? Heading off to a summer barbecue? The point is to build in some anticipation of things yet to come. Literally and figuratively.)

Don't want to splurge for a fancy dinner? Don't worry. There are plenty of ways to arouse your husband sexually without spending a chunk of change on a ritzy hotel. Here are 5 easy (and inexpensive) ways to turn your husband on:

1. Go commando. Okay, I have to say, if my husband told me he wasn't wearing any underwear beneath his pants, I can't say it would necessarily get me all hot and bothered. But for some reason, if a wife goes commando, this can be a huge thrill for her husband.

2. Paint your toenails. If you can afford a pedicure, spend the $25 and get one. But if not, just paint your toenails yourself or have a girlfriend do it for you. Pick a color that you think he'll find especially sexy (red, hot pink, sparkly, etc). If he doesn't notice, go ahead and show him and say, "I was feeling adventuresome. Want to know the other ways I'm feeling adventuresome?"

This is especially true if he has to then wait to get to the prize.

3. Get in the shower with him.

So, as you head out the door together to some rather mundane event (school meeting, boring work gathering, etc.) whisper in his ear that you are wearing nothing underneath your jeans, shorts or slacks. Then smile. Then walk out the door.

Whether he showers in the morning or evening, plan accordingly and join him after he's been in there for a few minutes. Don't announce you're getting in. Just get in. (Lock the bathroom door, of course, if you have kids in the house).

To add fuel to the fire, while sitting at the boring event, place

Interestingly, the shower can be a great place to talk

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vulnerably. You're already physically naked. Why not take the chance and get a little emotionally naked as well?

gooey brownie or anything along those lines. Sit on his lap and indulge in a little fun (a kiss between each bite, etc.)

If possible, plan the shower escapade on a day where you have some extra time afterward to... well... do things that will require another shower. I'm just saying.

These are just five ideas.

4. Put a love note in his car, briefcase or lunchbox. You don't have to have the skills of Shakespeare. Just write a few lines that convey how you feel in your heart. Be specific. Maybe something along the lines of... "I appreciate how hard you work for our family. Let's spend some time alone together later so I can properly thank you!" You may even want to put some of your favorite perfume on the note for extra incentive.Something that really says, "Tonight is NOT the night you want to work late. Hurry home."

5. Feed him his favorite dessert.

If none of the above sound like they'd really do it for your husband, cruise through this post I wrote awhile back about how to turn on your husband. (And I hope this is obvious, but don't tease him -- unless you plan to follow through). Honestly, the list of ideas on how to arouse a husband could be endless if we talked about it long enough.

What about... A sensuous massage? A sexual encounter where he must simply remain the recipient the entire time? Coming to bed naked when he would least expect it? Meeting him at the door wearing nothing more than one of his dress shirts? (You may not even make it to the bedroom if you do this).

Okay, this may seem awkward at first, but if the setting is right, it can be the sexiest and most playful experience.

You don't need a lot of money to plan an off-the-charts sexual experience with the man you love. You don't need a 5-star hotel, expensive outfit or $100 bottle of wine.

Pick up some gourmet cheesecake, his favorite ice cream, a

All you need is your heart and a little creativity.

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BOOK REVIEWS Reviewed by: Loyiso Ngavu

I Power: The Freedom to be Me

the empowerment that comes from all of the above. I picked up this book not long after delving into the world of life-coaching, as well as after reviewing the core concepts of boundaries and how to maintain them. From that perspective, I Power stands up remarkably well to the other books I’ve read on the subject, despite its low-profile approach. Whereas most books on this topic reflect the heavy-handed academic training that endowed the writer with their knowledge, this particular work takes that same knowledge and packages it in such a way that any reader, regardless of experience, education, or background, can comprehend it and use it.

After meeting with a life coach for the first time, I felt inflated with a boost of energy, self-love, and purpose. Now with a full tank, I had all the strength and focus to apply what the coach told me to my current situations and relationships. It felt a bit comical that I gave him one hour of my time in exchange for his insights, and I came away with a workable strategy for the biggest things going on in my life. I was incredibly satisfied with not only the visit, but the results that followed. What struck me most was that the concepts he shared with me were all very applicable in multiple situations, including relationships and career.

While I’ve read other texts that focus specifically on boundaries, I found this to be immediately applicable — and I could see results. Dieter introduces the concept of boundary focus through the basic principles of boundaries themselves: stress, fear as the ultimate driving force, emotions, and the connection between emotions, stress, and boundaries. His goal in doing so is to acquaint the reader with each ingredient in the recipe before explaining how the chemistry of the ingredients causes particular reactions and flavors.

Reading George Dieter’s I Power: The Freedom to be Me had the same effect on me. As a clinical psychologist with dual masters degrees in the psychology of coaching and psychology, as well as a law degree, Dieter delivers a refreshing monograph on the core concepts of psychology — including self, boundaries, relationships, stress, and conflict — in a form that reads more as a series of life coaching appointments than as a traditional psychology text. With a simple and accessible tone and style of delivery, I Power is an easy-to-read manual on having quality relationships, living with what the author calls a “boundary focus,” taking responsibility for your own life and happiness, and gaining

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Indeed, once he establishes these foundational concepts, Dieter connects the dots. He asserts that boundaries are the core of being yourself because they empower you to live within healthy limits and to in turn maintain relationships within healthy limits. By taking responsibility for yourself, your own limits, and, in turn, your own life, Dieter posits that you can be empowered to live a life that is fulfilled, satisfied, and happy. Fear, Dieter writes, drives us in multiple directions away from a happy, healthy state. We feel the stress of unpredictability and the real or perceived lack of control, and the positive

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and negative swings of emotion. By understanding the connections between these factors and learning to manage them in a positive and healthy way, we are able to live with a boundary focus, as Dieter puts it, which gives us a general direction to go in. Boundaries define who you are by creating lines of demarcation around the various pieces of your life. By living with a focus on these boundaries, Dieter writes, you are empowered to be a healthy you. One particularly noticeable thing about this book is the firstperson approach Dieter uses. By asking “So what do I mean by boundaries?” instead of defining the term in a thirdperson, academic voice, Dieter made me feel comfortable. His tone is more dialogue than dissertation. The only thing I found myself wanting were more firsthand accounts or stories to show the concepts in action, but I wouldn’t consider this to be a detracting point. I can certainly say that I will be sharing and recommending this book, as well as reading it again.

10 Principles for Doing Effective Couples Therapy “I can’t tell you how nice it is to be having a session with a couple that is not on the brink of a breakup. It’s certainly a welcomed change!” our therapist said, smiling at my boyfriend and me curled up together on the couch, our hands intertwined. Prior to this, my experience with couples therapy was limited to curiosity about relationship psychology (I read Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus at sixteen, and a slew of relationship books after) and many failed efforts trying to get former boyfriends to invest in healthy relationship practices. This was my first time in therapy with a significant other, and we were quite excited about it. Unlike my ex-boyfriends and the couples that Julie Schwartz Gottman and John M. Gottman describe in 10 Principles for Doing Effective Couples Therapy, my boyfriend and I were not on a sinking ship watching one another drown. We wanted to go to therapy to focus on the things that worked in our relationship, to focus on what brought us joy and strengthened our bond. The Gottmans write that this proactive approach is a rare treat for professional psychoanalysts. In most cases, couples are already in deep despair by the time they see a therapist. According to Julie Gottman, conducting couples therapy as a practitioner “can be like traversing a minefield. Take a wrong step and you can blow up someone’s trauma history. A wrong step and you can be met with a glare of disapproval. A wrong step and he can say, ‘See, she even agrees with me,’ and that’s even worse. Another wrong step and they can fall into stunned silence, both feeling scolded by you.” All this risk, she writes, “makes you hesitant to even step out the door.” Even Freud once wrote a paper condemning couples therapy. He advised psychoanalysts to avoid counseling couples all together. But despite the challenges that can arise during a session with partners, John and Julie Gottman have never

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shied away from relationship therapy. Instead, they are famously known for being scientific relationship gurus — the leading relationship research team. Julie Gottman is the cofounder and president of The Gottman Institute, a highly respected clinical psychologist, and an expert advisor on marriage, domestic violence, and much more. John Gottman has published numerous books and has spent forty years researching predictive indicators for successful marriages and relationships. Now, 10 Principles for Doing Effective Couples Therapy is a collective effort that comes with a twist: it’s written for therapists, not for couples. “We are not here to tell you how we alone know how to do couples therapy with infallible methods that guarantee you fortune, fame, and hundreds of grateful clients,” the Gottmans write. “You’re much smarter than that — you know it’s not that simple.” It isn’t, and like their previous books, 10 Principles attempts to break down a complex issue into something more tangible. Also like previous books, the heart of this text focuses on well-crafted principles for effective therapy, and includes scientific research, assessments, exercises, and statistics. If you are familiar with Gottman practices, this read will be a stroll down memory lane. The Sound Relationship House theory, turning towards each other instead of turning away, building love maps, and so on, will all be repeat information. What if the couple you’re counseling has a great friendship, but no shared meaning? What if they develop shared meaning, but lose their conflict management skills? Just like a real relationship is comprised of constantly moving parts, so are the techniques a therapist may utilize. I was reminded of this frequently when reading through the many case studies (leaving a bit to be desired, because it would be great to know how these couples ended up). I recalled many failed “relationship houses” and then quietly thanked my lucky stars that I’m in a relationship where they’re all intact. While your house doesn’t have to be perfect (things in flux never can be), it becomes clearer and clearer with each case study that strong disconnection in one area can bring down an entire relationship. The bottom line for therapists reading this book is that old truism: practice makes perfect. As with any great profession, therapists are students just as much as they are teachers. If a therapist can’t uphold conflict management skills, how can they possibly teach them? Or how about compassion towards those we detest? If you’ve ever experienced an affair, you know how difficult compassionate listening can be. “In place of negative judgments, we need to provide an unbiased approach that compassionately serves both partners as they struggle to rebuild a collapsed marriage,” Julie Gottman writes. “Suspend moral judgments.” Few things are more fascinating than when therapy and scientific research come together, which is precisely why any work produced by John or Julie Gottman makes for an interesting read. While I found 10 Principles for Doing Effective Couples Therapy to be much of the same information available in previous Gottman books (7 Principles for Making Marriage Work and 10 Lessons to Transform Your Marriage come to mind), this latest book still seems helpful for the target audience: therapists. If the purpose of this book is to help them practice Gottman techniques with couples, then it succeeds by offering them a clinical template. As for the rest of us, the book may help us cultivate compassion for the third person in the room: the one trying to mediate our situation.

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Traditional Wedding Outfit By: Styles Khumalo

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MAKOTI

DELICIOUS RECIPES By: Chef Lindiwe Jamela brought to you by:

SPICY BEEF, CHAKALAKA & LENTIL LASAGNE

• • • • • • • •

750 g beef mince 1 cup grated cheddar cheese 2 tbsp parmesan cheese, grated 1 tsp dried italian herbs 1 litre think pourable bechamel (white) sauce 1 box par-cooked spinach lasagna sheets 2 ml mixed spice 200 ml chicken or beef stock

Kitchen Gadgets: Large pan, sharp knife, casserole/baking dish

Method: 1. Preheat oven to 180°C and grease a large oven dish. 2. Filling • • • •

3. Heat oil in a large pan and fry the onion and garlic for 2 min, until fragrant.

Easy Cooking Time: 55min Preparation Time: 20min Serves: 6 portions

4. Stir in the leeks and peppers, and then add the mince in batches, stirring until browned. 5. Add in the tomato paste, chakalakka, lentils, chicken stock, mixed spice, herbs, sugar and pepper. Bring to the boil and then reduce heat and simmer for 30 minutes or until, cooked, thickened and flavorsome. Adjust seasoning with salt and pepper if needed.

Ingredients: • • • • • • • • • • • • •

1 ½ can KOO Chakalaka with Butternut 1 can KOO Lentils, drained and rinsed 1 sachet KOO Tomato Paste 1 red pepper, diced 2 onions, chopped 2 ml black pepper, freshly ground 2 tsp sugar 2 tsp crushed garlic 2 tsp parsley or chives, chopped 3 tbsp olive oil 1 green pepper, diced 1 tsp fresh basil, finely chopped 3 tbsp leek, chopped

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6. Assembly: Spread a thin layer of mince at the bottom of the casserole/baking dish, followed by a layer of lasagne sheets. 7. Continue layering: Little mince sauce - Pasta sheets - Mince layer - Pasta sheets - White sauce layer - Mince layer - Pasta sheets - White sauce layer - Grated Cheese - Parmesan Cheese. 8. Bake in the oven for 45 to 55 minutes until cheese has melted and lasagne sheets are cooked. Switch the oven off and allow to stand in the oven for 10 to 15 minutes. 9. Cut into squares, garnish with parsley or chives and serve. Serve the lasagne with a fresh green salad and crusty garlic bread.

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SPICY SAVOURY RICE

• • • •

PICKLED MIXED BEAN SALAD

Easy Cooking Time: 15min Preparation Time: 10min Serves: 6 people

Ingredients: • • • • • • • •

4 cups cooked white rice 3 tbsp butter 1 tsp garlic ½ cup cherry tomatoes, halved ½ can KOO Lentils, drained 1 can KOO Chakalakka Mild & Spicy 3 tsp fresh basil, shredded 2 tsp chives, finely chopped

• • • •

Easy Cooking Time: 15min Preparation Time: 10min Serves: 6 people

Ingredients:

Kitchen Gadgets: Large pan, sharp knife, casserole/baking dish

Method: 1. Preheat oven to 180°C and grease a large oven dish. 2. Filling 3. Heat oil in a large pan and fry the onion and garlic for 2 min, until fragrant. 4. Stir in the leeks and peppers, and then add the mince in batches, stirring until browned. 5. Add in the tomato paste, chakalakka, lentils, chicken stock, mixed spice, herbs, sugar and pepper. Bring to the boil and then reduce heat and simmer for 30 minutes or until, cooked, thickened and flavorsome. Adjust seasoning with salt and pepper if needed. 6. Assembly: Spread a thin layer of mince at the bottom of the casserole/baking dish, followed by a layer of lasagne sheets. 7. Continue layering: Little mince sauce - Pasta sheets - Mince layer - Pasta sheets - White sauce layer - Mince layer - Pasta sheets - White sauce layer - Grated Cheese - Parmesan Cheese.

• • • • • • • • • • • • • •

4 tsp oil 1 tsp garlic and ginger, crushed ½ tsp mustard seeds or pickling spice 1 tsp turmeric 1 tsp masala 6 curry leaves 1 onion, sliced in half rounds 1 can KOO Mixed Beans, drained and rinsed 1 can KOO Cross Cut Green Beans, drained and rinsed 1 can KOO Baked Beans – any variant 2 tsp fresh coriander, finely chopped ½ cup white vinegar 2 tbsp chutney Salt and pepper

Kitchen Gadgets: Large pan, sharp knife, wooden spoon

Method: 1. Heat oil and fry garlic, ginger, mustard seeds and onions.

8. Bake in the oven for 45 to 55 minutes until cheese has melted and lasagne sheets are cooked. Switch the oven off and allow to stand in the oven for 10 to 15 minutes.

2. Add Tumeric, masala and curry leaves.

9. Cut into squares, garnish with parsley or chives and serve. Serve the lasagne with a fresh green salad and crusty garlic bread.

4. Let it cook for 15-20 minutes.

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3. Add mixed beans, green beans, baked beans, white vinegar, coriander, chutney and salt and pepper. 5. Enjoy!

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MAKOTI WEDDING

HAIRSTYLING By: Thembi Mhlongo

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MKHWENYANA

BEAUTY, HAIR, HINTS, TIPS & ADVICE, INSPIRATION, MEN'S ATTIRE

And, we have one last treasure trove of tips for you guys… with our guide to grooming, for grooms. Many grooms will already be au faux with cleansers, moisturisers and hair products, they might spend hours styling their hair and shaping their beards. But for others, a shower and a shave is pushing the boat out for a big event. Either way, you want to be looking, and feeling, your best for your big day, whether you’re bearded, mustachioed, or clean shaven, have long hair, short hair, or hair all over! So from when to trim, to what to trim, to how to hide a hangover, we’ve got the info you need, with our guide to being well-groomed on your wedding day. 20 GREAT GROOMING TIPS FOR GROOMS

3. Seasonal Skincare

1. Wash up

Do you go really red in summertime or does your skin get dry and flakey in winter? Think about when you’re having your wedding and plan accordingly.

This may seem silly, but from the moment you get engaged, start washing your face. Properly. Not just soap and water, invest in a good cleanser and a weekly exfoliator and you’ll soon notice an extra polish to your complexion.

2. Drink up Water doesn’t just replenish your insides, it works wonders on your skin as well. Start a regular eight glasses a day water workout ahead of your wedding and your skin will be clear, clean and an have enough blush to rival a bride, in time for your big day.

Wear sunscreen ahead of a summer wedding to avoid looking too flushed in the snaps, or avoid the usual onset of winter skin by introducing moisturiser well in advance.

4. Regular Rules We’re all for guys embracing a new skincare regime ahead of a wedding, moisturiser, night cream, face masks? All awesome – but just keep it regular. Stopping and starting a regime will mess with your skin, and whatever you do, don’t start trying out new products right before your wedding.

5. Pick of the Products So you know you have to moisturise, but unless you’re a long time groomer, it’s hard to know what you need. Read up online, talk to a facialist, or visit a department store and chat to consultants at a couple of different counters to see what’s on offer. You may need something matte to reduce shine, something medicated to treat acne, or something mild to ease onto your sensitive skin. Get a few testers, and see which product works best for you before you make a purchase.

6. Practise makes perfect (stubble) Do you love your look on Day 3 of beard growth? Or was it day 5? Trial and error is the only way to assess your beard growth if you’re going for that handsome stubble look for your wedding day. Try shaving a few times to take note of how long, on average, it takes for you to get to optimum wedding day stubble.

7. Timeless ‘Tache If a handlebar moustache is your signature look, by all means wear it for your wedding, same applies if you’re a Mo

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Bro getting married in November.

11. Cut to Countdown

But if the latest look for facial hair among your friends is full on ‘Fu Manchu chic’, please don’t go copying them until after the wedding.

Unless you plan on getting something drastic (do that at least a month before the wedding!), or you keep your hair tightly shaved, book your last hair trim one week before your wedding.

8. Sharper Shave Why not get together with your guys and go for a hot towel shave ahead of your wedding?

This will give you time to let the style settle and not look toodone, but still be neat and sharp.

A straight razor gives the cleanest shave, so if you’re after a sharp, clean look for your wedding day, book in for a professional lather with your barber of choice. Once again, talk to your barber about whether you’ll need to do this the day before or day of your wedding, depending on your growth, and proneness to irritation.

12. Spray your Strands

9. Beautiful Beard We love a beardy groom, but if yours is unruly, wiry, or unclean looking, no one is going to want to lean in for a smooch. Trim your beard weekly in the lead up to your wedding to get it into great shape. There are lots of great products available for blokes with beards, so invest in something like a beard oil, soap or conditioner, that keeps your full facial hair groomed and glossy.

10. Brow Down Okay so evil, finely plucked brows are not what you want to see in the mirror on your wedding day, but neither is an angry unibrow. Pluck any stray hairs between your eyes a couple of days before your wedding. Avoid plucking over the brows or inside the inner or outer eye lines. Ditto on ridding yourself of any rogue ear or nose hairs too – but don’t pluck, invest in a trimmer for pain-free tidying.

Have you tried hairspray? Gels and waxes might be more common among gents, but if you’re looking for a softly styled look for your wedding day, a spray might give you a better hold without looking stiff or shiny. Try it out ahead of your wedding to see how it looks and holds.

13. Fresh Blade A disposable big brand blade is at its best the second time you use it. Be sure to have fresh set of blades ahead of your wedding, and never use the same blade more than five times or it will cause irritation to your skin.

14. Hands and Feet Does your other half constantly harass you over rough hands or unkept toenails? Put the man in manipedi and treat them to polished talons and soft skin on your wedding night. Book an appointment a few days before your wedding, if

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you’re nervous about venturing into a regular salon, you’ll find a gentlemen’s groomers in most big towns and cities.

15. Manly Massage Wedding budgets and table plan politics stressing you out? Why not book in for a massage? Or rope in your guys and spend a few hours at a swanky spa. De-stressing before your wedding will not only leave you feeling great, but it will show on your face, and in your posture, too.

If you have a really discoloured teeth, consider a professional whitening treatment, but leave yourself a few weeks between it and the wedding (your teeth can be really sensitive after a treatment, and you want to be able to enjoy your wedding cake, right?) Oh, and don’t forget to have mints on standby on the big day.

18. Subtlety in Scent The scent of a man is so important, so whether you stick to your signature cologne, or choose something special for the occasion, don’t forget to wear a fragrance on your wedding day. Just be sure to keep it light, your guests at the back don’t want to be wondering what that smell is as you step up to the altar.

16. What about Waxing? So plenty of guys see a regular all over (and we mean all over) wax as no biggie. For others, the idea of anyone taking to their intimate areas with a bowl of hot wax is like something out of a horror movie. There’s no right or wrong, go with what works best for you. If you know your other half has always (quietly) hated your bushy back hair, it might be a nice gesture to give it a shear before the wedding. But only do so at a reputable salon, be prepared to wince (just a tad) and pay extra attention to any aftercare instructions – and stick to them!

17. Pearly Whites You’re (hopefully) going to be smiling a lot on your wedding day, and if you’re a coffee drinker, smoker, red wine enthusiast, or simply someone prone to discolouration, you’re going to want your teeth looking their best for the big day. Start using a dentist-approved whitening toothpaste a few months ahead of your wedding and schedule a professional clean before the big day.

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19. Hangover Cure If you hit the bar a bit heavy the night before your wedding, it will show in your face. Put cold packs on your eyes (cucumbers or sandwich bags of peas will work too) and use some really rich moisturiser to try to put a little sparkle back into your complexion.

20. Power Tools A bad workman might blame his tools, but so will a poorly groomed groom. Whether you splash out on professional cuts, shaves, facials, massages or mani-pedis ahead of your wedding, or do it yourself at home, do your research. (There’s no shame in looking into tanning products and men’s concealers too.) Invest in good quality tweezers, trimmers, razors and products, or check the reviews and go to a reputable men’s salon. A little extra time and money can make all the difference.