FLIRTING: AN OBSESSION
March 2015
“The lane of love is narrow—there is room for only one.” Kabir
Simeon Solomon ‘Sappho and Erinna in a Garden at Mytilene’ 1864 Tate Gallery, London UK During World War II, anthropologist Margaret Mead was working in Britain for the British Ministry of Information and later for the U.S. Office of War Information, delivering speeches and writing articles to help the American soldiers better understand the British civilians, and vice versa. She observed in the flirtations between the American soldiers and British women a pattern of misunderstandings regarding who is supposed to take which initiative. She wrote of the Americans, "The boy learns to make advances and rely upon the girl to repulse them whenever they are inappropriate to the state of feeling between the pair", as contrasted to the British, where "the girl is reared to depend upon a slight barrier of chilliness... which the boys learn to respect, and for the rest to rely upon the men to approach or advance, as warranted by the situation." This resulted, for example, in British women interpreting an American soldier's gregariousness as something more intimate or serious than he had intended.1
1 Mead, Margaret; William O. Beeman (ed.) (2004). Studying Contemporary Western Society: Method aAnd Theory. New York: Berghahn Books. pp. 145, 149. ISBN 1-‐57181-‐816-‐2.
http://www.helenfisher.com/downloads/articles/Brown_et_al_2013.pdf2 Men tend to view women's behaviors as more sexual than do women in cross-‐sex interactions (e.g., Abbey, 1982). This difference may result because men view specific behaviors as sexually motivated, whereas women attribute a different motivation to the behaviors. It is proposed that people flirt for a variety of different reasons including the desire to increase sexual interaction. Six flirting motivations derived from the literature are considered in this study: sex, fun, exploring, relational, esteem, and instrumental. The motivations attributed to flirting behaviors by men and women in typical flirting interactions are explored. Gender differences emerge for several flirting motivations (i.e., sex, relational, and fun). Men tend to view flirting as more sexual than women do, and women attribute more relational and fun motivations to flirting interactions than do men. No gender differences emerge for esteem, exploring, or instrumental motivations. The discussion focuses on how miscommunication may occur during flirting interactions.3 Back in the 1990s, men's movement spirituality was largely based on a particular interpretation of Jungian archetypes such as the Wild Man, King and Warrior. The call to archetypes was supposed to be about men getting in touch with their "inner essence" and the "deep masculine," but had a habit of promoting masculinities of a dominating and combative nature (Gelfer, 2009): as Philip Culbertson (1993) argues, archetypes can be seen as "calcifications of a patriarchal world view" (p. 222). Today, 20 years later, little has changed in "men's spirituality," as witnessed by Matthew Fox's (2008) The Hidden Spirituality of Men: Ten Metaphors to Awaken the Sacred Masculine which— while attempting to distance itself from more problematic manifestations of archetypes—remains firmly anchored within an archetypal worldview (Gelfer, 2008). Most critics of the men's movement reading of Jung describe it as "neo-‐ Jungian": the "neo" suggesting they flirt with some Jungian themes rather than pursuing any Jungian orthodoxy. For example, Jungian scholar David Tacey (1997) charges the movement with "conservative and simplistic appropriation of Jungian theory" (p. ix). Recently, we saw the publication for the first time of Jung's (2009) The Red Book. Jung spent 16 years on this book, but for a variety of reasons never published it. The Red Book is basically an illuminated manuscript charting the topography of Jung's interiority. It contains numerous visionary dreams and experiences, which were later distilled in a more scholarly fashion in his published writing. The book's editor, Sonu Shamdasani (2009), claims The Red Book is "nothing less than the central book in his [Jung's] oeuvre," and that his
2 Neural Correlates of Four Broad Temperament Dimensions: Testing Predictions for a Novel Construct of Personality Lucy L. Brown, Bianca Acevedo, Helen E. Fisher 3 “Flirting with Meaning: An Examination of Miscommunication in Flirting Interactions”, David Dryden Henningsen, Mary Lynn Miller Henningsen, Kathleen S. Valder in: Sex Roles, June 2006, Volume 54, Issue 11-‐ 12, 821-‐829
other work cannot really be understood without reading this in tandem (p. 221). The publication of The Red Book offers an interesting opportunity to see how closely the men's movement neo-‐Jungian presentation of archetypes intersects with Jung's most intimate and unmediated presentation of sex and gender. Following the way Jung is mobilized in the men's movement we would expect to see plenty of material in The Red Book about masculine archetypes, and how these are unavoidable in the male psyche. We would also expect to read of complementarity: of both natural gender roles, and of the gendered aspects of the soul (anima and animus). In The Red Book we certainly read plenty about complementarity, but almost nothing about archetypes. There are only two relatively short passages, which speak to these issues: one in "Liber Secundus," the other in "Scrutinies." Specifically, quite early in the section "Liber Secundus," Jung (2009) refers to "completeness" in both men and women: men, for example, must seek the feminine more in themselves rather than in women. This would resonate quite clearly with men's movement literature. Gender holism is also referenced when Jung states, [page 2] "humankind is masculine and feminine, not just man or woman. You can hardly say of your soul what sex it is" (p. 263). Indeed, Jung aspires to be free from gender: "This is the most difficult thing—to be beyond the gendered and yet remain within the human" (p. 264). However, Jung goes on to outline some problems in masculine performances, claiming men tend not to engage the task of identifying with the feminine within: "It pleases you, however, to play at manliness, because it travels on a well-‐worn track" (p. 263). This suggests a critique of normative masculinity, as does his comment, "man despises you [woman] because he despises his femininity" (p. 263), which speaks to both an awareness of misogyny and homophobia. Jung speaks either to the limitations of normative masculinity or his own problematic issues about femininity when he claims, "It is bitter for the most masculine man to accept his femininity; since it appears ridiculous to him, powerless and tawdry" (p. 263). Is Jung asserting a queer challenge to masculine normativity or his misogyny when he states, "It is good for you once to put on women's clothes: people will laugh at you, but through becoming a woman you attain freedom from women and their tyranny" (pp. 263-‐264)? The jury remains out. Later, in the section "Scrutinies," Jung speaks to issues of sexuality and spirituality, which is framed by various forms of binary thinking, of sexuality/spirituality and men/women: "Spirituality conceives and embraces. It is womanlike and therefore we call it MATER COELESTIS, the celestial mother. Sexuality engenders and creates. It is manlike, and therefore we call it PHALLOS, the earthly father. The sexuality of man is more earthly, that of woman is more spiritual" (p. 352). This, and other comments in this section, reinforce tired false distinctions: the separation of sex and spirit, the assigning of particular roles to men and women (although it complicates the common assumption that the feminine is earthly and the masculine transcendent). This strategy has a long history of confining men and women to the roles they are
given rather than those they choose. Indeed, Jung is very explicit about maintaining such distinctions: "Man and woman become devils to each other if they do not separate their spiritual ways, for the essence of creation is differentiation" (p. 352). Furthermore, should anyone question the construction of such boundaries, Jung states, "no man has a spirituality unto himself or a sexuality unto himself. Instead, he stands under the law of spirituality and of sexuality" (p. 352), and that in the end all we can do is be subject to these spiritual-‐sexual "daimons.". In short, the themes of sex and gender in The Red Book offer significantly more nuance than anything found in men's movement literature but—like that same men's movement literature—they are still bound up in a worldview which seeks to impose a structure upon spirituality and sexuality which is neither natural nor necessary.4 Joseph Geller5 A specific feature of user-‐driven avatar-‐avatar communication in Flirtboat is that for each proposed date the user may select from a (system generated) list of positive and negative actions one’s own avatar should carry out at the respective date. Examples for actions that are considered as being positive towards the other are: I gently stroke my date’s hand. I kiss my date passionately. I write a romantic poem. I blow heart-‐shaped bubbles. I reenact the love scene from Titanic., etc. Examples for negative actions are: I shoot with my water pistol. I wear my “let’s get laid” t-‐shirt. I bring a goldfish-‐shaped condom. I throw water bombs. I tell bad jokes., etc. The data presented in the following are taken from Flirtboat UK.
4 Culbertson, P. (1993). Men dreaming of men: Using Mitch Walker's "double animus" in pastoral care. The Harvard Theological Review, 86(2), 219-‐232.
Fox, M. (2008). The hidden spirituality of men: Ten metaphors to awaken the sacred masculine. Novato, CA: New World Library. Gelfer, J. (2009). Numen, old men: Contemporary masculine spiritualities and the problem of patriarchy. London: Equinox Publishers. Gelfer, J. (2008). Review of Matthew Fox, The Hidden Spirituality of Men: Ten Metaphors to Awaken the Sacred Masculine. Journal of Men, Masculinities and Spirituality, 3(1), 94-‐96. Jung, C. G. (2009). The red book (S. Shamdasani, ed.). New York: W. W. Norton. Shamdasani, S. (2009). Liber novus: The “red book” of C. G. Jung. In C. G. Jung, The red book (pp. 193-‐224). New York: W. W. Norton. Tacey, D. (1997). Remaking men: Jung, spirituality and social change. London: Routledge. 5 http://www.jmmsweb.org/?q=issues/volume5/number1/pp1-‐3
From a total of 136 759 actions accomplished by the UK Flirtboat users, female avatars account for 57% and male ones for 43%. The predefined actions could also be accompanied with a free-‐text message. Here again the data show that female avatars are more active: From a total of 60 287 free-‐text messages, 52.6% were produced by female avatars. For both, male and female avatars, positive actions by far outnumber negative ones. 91% of the female actions and 92% of the male actions were positive ones. Summing up, the data on avatar actions clearly show that the interaction between the users in the community is largely positive, and that female avatars are more active/communicative.6 When it comes to personality, in all three countries the females most attracted to Flirtboat characterize as friends and family oriented. This holds also true for male avatars in the Croatian and the Austria Flirtboat, whereas the personality type most frequently assigned to male avatars in UK is characterized as impulsive, action and technical oriented. Dashing high achievers were apparently not interested in Flirtboat. As regards avatar looks, users agree that one’s avatar ought to have a good suntan and that being pale is out. There is also a common agreement on sporty dress on a holiday cruise. Brigitte Krenn and Erich Gstrein (Smart Agent Technologies, Research Studios Austria, ARC Seibersdorf Research, GmbH Vienna, Austria)
6 http://citeseerx.ist.psu.edu/viewdoc/download?doi=10.1.1.114.6307&rep=rep1&type=pdf
Flirting: The conquest The mountain The steeper the better The higher the peek… the greater the obsession The greater the challenge…the more focused the object of desire. Where did this begin? What maternal wound provided the enzymatic soil for this monster to be created? The unconquerable mother? Herself wounded? Never to receive her approval or validation, Fighting demons long embedded within her? Now the ice queen performing the Mendelsohn violin concerto Alone on stage in the black velvet gown Violin perched, fingers nimble and tapering goddess like Awaiting the tap of the conductor For the tragic overture that mirrored her driven life? Eyes closed The mother-‐goddess forever unattainable Burned in my heart She would be the mountain… Her dizzying heights would be unreachable Her love and unconditional acceptance beyond my ability to earn Just too much effort… Forevermore condemned… To conquer all women Using all tools available Learning the art of flirting My weapon of mass seduction, Yet one dark caveat The moment of softening of resistance The moment of conquest The moment of aquiesance by the “other side” Comes with it an inner deep revulsion From the mysterious places of the soul As if…the mere conquest was the critical play As if…the softening caused the revulsion As if…the game was over the moment of surrender. What kind of romance addiction is this? What pathology lies below the murky surface Having spent so much energy In the seduction, the imagery, the time and effort
I am amazed at how fast the turn away The desire to flee To disentangle To run in disgust. The broken promises The lies exposed The false poetry The seductive flattery The flirting for its own sake. In the shards of broken glass around me I dare not step in my bare feet To leave a red-‐smudged trail, With my bloodied footprints for all to see. So I sit paralyzed by the slow realization Of my misuse of power Of my talents at lying Of my abuse of position And the hurt and pain I cause others In this madness In this pursuit In the false representations And protestations, of undying love. Do all women fail because they cannot measure up to my mother? And the moment of surrender is that exposure? that very failure? Since she never gave in to a man? She never acquiesced? Forever suspicious of men’s intentions Her mountain peak was beyond mortal ascent. So my inner landscape mirrors hers And the respect and love for another evaporates the moment They fall short of the unconscious demands She imposed on me. Looking at the wreckage I try to make sense of it Looking at the littered hearts I have broken I try not to continue this violence Looking to make amends to those Who were sacrificed on the altar of my false expectations, I know wish never to climb these mountains again.
Yet fear the next trigger The next pretty girl The next suave woman Who shows me a glance, a look, an aside The slightest interest piquing me In these times of guilt and remorse In these spaces I can reflect But the mystery beneath does not get solved The darkness within The opaqueness of self-‐analysis The refractory nature of the wound The resistance to the investigating scalpel All conspire to prevent this healing. This time it seems I am willing to be willing Yet I trust not myself. An old man who was a young fool Becomes an old fool An old man who was a womanizer and flirt In youth Becomes a pitiful sight in his aged frame With white hair and balding. The excitement remains so intense when there is a response The validation of the struggle so stimulating This endorphin high is, we are told, similar to cocaine. No wonder we succumb. Despite our station and the indignity of spurned unrequited love (Weeping on a Brooklyn street corner Like an adolescent Having just realized at 2 am the futility And impossibility And the lack of real reciprocation) Despite all this, the old man searches, searches for true love Knowing well its impossibility and chimera nature. The constant search for validation by the “Great Mother” The Archetypal pull to Her through Her impoverished earthly reflections Grabs my soul like no other. Willing to sacrifice all for Her Even in Her degraded state Career, marriage, family, friends, colleagues, mentors, Rabbis. All. What sickness is this?
What pathology lies in the heart of this darkness? What engine drives this madness? This love addiction? My father speaks of his father Vienna circa 1930’s And the need to “convince” the generic buxom buyer at the large department stores Of the quality of his workmanship by other means… And my father remembers the conflicted man on return Etched in his simple face Having compromised his deepest spiritual values In order to clinch the deal. (The peck on the cheek The pinching of the rump This is what he was told or maybe inferred from his father’s tormented face On returning home.) That sacrifice of values to support his middle class Viennese family The torment within, and the struggle financially to survive. It left a lasting impression on my father. Viennese compromised affected all aspects of life. This very conflict The modern man’s openness to cheat To flirt To betray To lie The rot within The nuclear family and its decay A symptom of a deeper spiritual decay and disease A betrayal of the self A willingness to become alienated from the self In the pursuit of the economic dream of capitalism And its critical melding with and even appropriation of religion, in the pursuit of wealth. I am part of this culture I cannot fool myself Despite the rituals Despite the learning Despite the “community” At a deeper level we all participate in the middle classing of our faiths be they Christian, Muslim or Jewish. Then we invent rationalizations To justify the ignoring of the poor The exclusion of those not buying into the economic dream The need for wealth to remain “Halachic” on Pesach
To remain Glatt Kosher… The insane prices of sheitels and shtreimls The mafia controlled Chevra Kadisha Etc etc. To what extent does my inner struggle become a reflection of this Socio-‐economic circle of pathology? How does that determine the “set up” from the start? How does the double standard leak into one’s heart affecting other areas of compromise? I am not blaming By now I am part of the problem My silence gives everything away My inability to scream out My inertia and focus on self and self-‐development At the cost of other values, Are all part of the indictment my children can lay at my door. In my effort to attempt to understand impoverished behaviors Addiction-‐driven thoughts And moral imperfections I am looking at the Dorian Grey picture in the attic As if the scratched, etched, broken lines of what once was might provide an insight into this broken soul.