5 minute read
I HEAR YOU by Jackie Rankin
We look at a new course that’s changing the lives of carers and those they support.
Getting a diagnosis for a mental health condition can bring huge relief to carers. But what then? How do you support someone with a complex condition you know nothing about? Trying to help can make things worse and cause friction.
Sue and Steve’s daughter Jennifer was always a sensitive child. “She’d cry easily. You’d think ‘what did I say?’ says Steve. Jennifer was bullied at school and Steve and Sue became ever more protective.
At university she began to self harm. An intelligent young woman, she sought help and was making progress with her talking therapy. But in their efforts to support their daughter, Sue and Steve were unknowingly adding to Jennifer’s distress.
“We’d tell her not to worry, that things weren’t as bad as she thought they were” said Steve. “We couldn’t see things from her perspective. You feel you’ve failed. I’ve had mental health problems. You think is it my DNA? Should I have had kids?”
Sue heard of a carers’ course to help parents and carers better understand their loved one’s perspective and to consider their own role. It was during the pandemic so the couple did the course online.
Sue says it was a revelation.
”When Jennifer had tried to confide in me my reaction had always been to tell her what to do. It was all I knew. The course taught me that Jennifer was trying to share her problems. She didn’t want me to judge, fix or solve the problem – she just needed me to listen. After doing the course I said to her ‘I think I know what the problem is – me!”
Steve and Sue are learning to support their daughter Jennifer in a different way after taking part in a course to help carers gain a newperspective.
Steve agrees.“You have quite a few light bulb moments as you understand why someone might think in a certain way and not feel guilty about praising other family members.”
Sue and Steve would discuss what they’d learned with Jennifer.“She’d be really pleased that we got how she felt. Now when she stays in her room or is quiet, we don’t ask why we just accept that like everyone, she might be having a bad day”, says Steve.
They both praise course leader and carer John Chiocchi, (read John's story on page 17). “John shares his own experiences, so you don’t feel it’s text book stuff. It’s much more personal.”
Jennifer has recently been successful in getting a new job. She’s also stopped self harming. Sue says the balance of support has shifted. “I’ve been under pressure at work recently and I shared my worries with Jennifer. I’d never have done that before the course. She’s got her self worth back and she’s now supporting me.”
DON'T PUSH THE PANIC BUTTON
When John Chiocchi’s adult son was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder, John had no idea how to help.
I’d never heard of BPD. I thought ‘it can’t just be me that needs help’, so I started to find out.”
John became a service user and carer volunteer. He’s spoken at Board of Director meetings and helped develop a Personality Disorder Hub in Cheshire.
John always felt valued and listened to – but his unique perspective made him realise training missed a key component – carers needed to learn about themselves to improve relationships with their loved one.
He now works with clinicians and carers to offer a 20 week clinically approved psychoeducational programme.
He explains: “Carers can be fabulous at fixing things. We suffocate the person, assuming we know what they need, which can leave
them feeling their views are invalid, which causes more friction.
“The course trains carers not to push the panic button and to recognise they could be a trigger for them, and to accept that having bad times is part of normal life.
“My son dreaded Christmas. He’d begin worrying in October and we’d tell him not to. We finally established it was because he feared he wouldn’t have enough money for presents and didn’t want to let anyone down. We created a Secret Santa and he doesn’t worry any more.”
John is especially keen to support young carers. “A lad whose mum had psychosis asked if he could join the session. At the end he thanked me and said he wouldn’t be scared next time his mum started talking to people who weren’t there.”
We’ve had service users who say “thank you, my family finally understands who I am.”
Moving courses to Zoom during the pandemic has reduced waiting lists and carers find it easier to study from home.
Carer and course leader John Chiocchi
John says feedback is good.“Most say they wish they’d done the course years ago.”
TO FIND OUT MORE about the Training, Education and Support (TES) course contact: carers@merseycare.nhs.uk or 01925 972 801
NEED SUPPORT?
Help yourself – our self help guide on anxiety can be read online, downloaded or watched as a video. Visit: merseycare.nhs.uk
