Hook-up from hell Hook-up from hell Hook-up from hell

You ever have a hook up that is too good to be true?

Like you meet this guy randomly at a restaurant your eyes lock you start talking and think, “This is IT“ only to be shocked into reality? Let me tell you a story, boys.

I meet this guy one day and we LITERALLY hung out all day. We ended up going to the club and one thing led to another and things were amazing.

Fast forward to the next morning. I got in the shower, I get out and he is gone. Okay cool, I have his number, no big.

I sit on my bed and start getting ready for the day after my shower. Something smelled HORRIBLE. To my SHOCK and HORROR this dude SHIT my bed. Long story short, I get a new bed of course. Months go by and I see him at the bar. He walks up to me trying to say hi ... I look him DEAD in the face and I say, “I know.” He immediately leaves the bar and I never see him again!! Thank God!

Aries: February fills you with rage. Not a big fan of public displays of affection, you’d rather the hand holding to be left in the bedroom. You really go above and beyond to make your significant other feel special, like letting them lick the spoon (tee-hee) or feel like they had the last word (which they could never). Try and look at the softer side of things and appreciate the moment. It doesn’t have to always be power drills and rage thrusts.

Taurus: Stay at home Taurus has been really digging this whole work from home gig. You’ve been sexually experimenting with things around your house. The vacuum, the paper shredder and your removable shower head (personal fave) have all taken on their own social distancing persona. Once the weather breaks a little, get out and have yourself a kiki.

Gemini: Gemini’s are always sass mouthing everyone they encounter. Secretly hoping that someone either serves it back pipin’ hot or it turns into a pimp smack to the face. Gemini’s are always imagining their friends in the craziest situations: Like winning the Superbowl and the uniforms are literally just jock straps. Gemini’s are like Sour Patch Kids, first they’re sour and then they’re sweet.

Cancer: If wonder woman’s lasso of truth magically became a person, it would be a Cancer Lover, sis. Coy and honest, Cancers love seeing someone spin a web of lies and then plow right through it like a toddler using a toy lawnmower (vroom!). If a cancer lover feels unloved, it’s going to turn into bad girls’ club real quick.

Leo: We love feeling safe and secure with the big daddy of the group, The Leo Lover. Whether it’s holding the door open for you or slipping a thumb in your batcave or spitting in your mouth telling you that you’re a peasant. You just can’t get enough of their attention.

Virgo: Ah Virgos. You can’t live with them. It’s really difficult to frame them for murder. The planner of the group, who will talk about what flavor lube/what kind of vibe we’re trying to have. Like girl. Calm down. It’s a free for all orgy. Virgo’s love to be in control, but truth be told, they just want to be dominated the house down BOOTS! .

Libra: Hippy Dippy Libra loves to love! Always looking at everything around them as an endless possibility of positivity. Which is normally why they’re hoarders who go hard in the sack and often become everyone’s favorite cum dumpster. Libras normally shy away from conflict. Which explains the plethora of daddy issues.

Scorpio: A Scorpio’s sex screams rival that of any banshee. Similar to a praying mantis, they attract their prey/lover into their lair to have their way with them. Once their needs are met, it’s off with their head and onto the next! Scorpios have top notch game and go the extra mile to make you feel special. Proceed with caution, if you dare!

Sagittarius: Free and uninhibited Sagittarius is a good time girl. However, this tends to mean they have a long list of failed relationships. They either win or they learn. Tell that to the multiple trips to the clinic for countless shots in the ass, sweetie. But don’t worry, it’s still their year and it will be great!

Capricorn: Ambitious and cut throat, Capricorn’s are fantastic in many roles. However sometimes they look at love and dating kind of like a competition. Whether it’s getting all the numbers when they show up unannounced to a stranger’s funeral or taking their friend’s neighbor’s kid to the park to pick up trade, they’re kind of all about the score and not the chase. No-one cares how many times you were voted most likely to be president in middle school.

Aquarius: Aquarius lovers are a hoot. Spunky and rebellious, they spent a lot of time in detention when they were in school. You hate eye contact, but you love feet. So it is kind of a match made in toe sucking heaven. You really want to make your lover happy and proud. Even though they can’t get enough of you being Xena: Warrior Princess (insert her crazy amazon yell). You don’t mind, because it makes your boo thang happy. And people pleasing is your kink, bruh. Pisces: The silent communicator who focuses more on actions VS words. They really hate when drama starts, but trust and believe they’ll end it. You hate to tell people what to do, you’d much prefer just showing them. Which is sometimes why fights break out, since your slutty ass is always trying to sit on someone’s face. Your favorite go to sex move is a Tonya Harding to the knee when they fall genitals first onto the 8th wonder of the world (your tongue).