PAPAL MUSINGS 22
SPORTS Tennis drops a deuce 2
POPE CONVERTS
FORUM Fish deserve better than Massell Pond 7 The Indapendent Studnt Newspaper
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B r e a d d i e s U n a v e r sit y S i n c e 1 9 4 9
Justice
Volume XXX, Number 666
thejustice.org
Monday, April 1, 2013
WASTE OF MONEY
THE TIMES THEY AREN'T A-CHANGIN'
Lawrence reveals plan for law school ■ The University will spend
the rest of its endowment to establish the Jehuda Reinharz School of Law. By ANDREW HONKERPICKLE IT'S NOT A PICKLE IN HIS PANTS
At a time when the value of a law school education is being questioned due to its cost and the high unemployment rate of law school graduates, the University has announced plans to discuss building a new Brandeis School of Law. University President Fred Lawrence, who was formerly the dean of George Washington University Law School, said he would resign as president to head the Brandeis School of Law if his law school dream came to fruition.
Reinharz Gentlemen's Club, USA
“I asked myself ‘What would Louis do?’ and I prayed next to the Louis Brandeis statue facing the winds of adversity and I came to the conclusion that Louis would want me to be the dean of a law school. I heard the voice of Louis and followed my calling,” said Lawrence. The University has approached several current judges, lawyers and professors of law, including Daniel Day Lewis (channeling Abraham Lincoln), Judge Judy and Morgan Freeman (channeling Nelson Mandela) to see if they would come to Brandeis if the law school opens. Lawrence even wrote a letter to Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg asking her to relocate to Brandeis if she resigns from the
See LAW, 3 ☛
IT TAKES A VILLAGE
Strategic plan plans strategy for future ■ The new University
curriculum will consist entirely of science classes; the humanities are no more. By SAM STEELMUFFIN CHIEF MUFFIN BUTTERER
In an email to the Brandeis community yesterday, Provost Steve Goldstein ’78 announced that at Thursday’s faculty meeting, the faculty voted to fully embrace the strategic plan. The new University curriculum will consist entirely of science courses: both those that previously existed and new courses that will be devised to fill the gaps left by the humanities. “No more will our prestigious research University be held back by unnecessary classes like Intro to American Government,” read Goldstein’s statement. “No longer will our students be forced to study unacademic works like Shakespeare, Plato or the Bible. Brandeis University is moving into a new age: the era of Science with a capital
‘S’.” Reactions on campus were mixed; some students and faculty bemoaned the loss of the humanities, while others cheered what they called a “progressive” decision by the administration. “I guess I’ll be transferring to Oberlin,” sighed Philosophy major Brandon Starks ’15 in an interview with the Justice. “At least it will be way easier for me to get weed there.” “I think this is a wonderful decision,” said Biology and Neuroscience major Sara Dejene ’14 in an interview with the Justice. “Now I can actually study in my room! My roommate, who was studying American Studies, is always in there playing video games and Skyping with her friends. I’ve never seen her go to class or pull out a textbook or even pick up a pencil.” Dejene interrupted the interview to go study. At 9 a.m. on a Saturday. Former Dean of Arts and Sciences Susan Birren, whose title will be changed to Dean of Sciences, seemed confused about the change.
See PLAN, 3 ☛
JOSH HUMPERHOODSKY/La Justicia
ROLLING STONED: Administration finally caved to students' heartrending pleas and agreed to get Dylan for commencement.
Bob Dylan to headline 2013 commencement
■ Musician is part of an
impressive list of honorees at this year’s ceremony. By JEFFREY MUSCLEBOTTOM justice glutemaster
Bob Dylan, the infamous singersongwriter whom students originally sought to perform at this year’s SpringFest, will be honored at Brandeis’ 62nd commencement on Sunday, May 19.
then guilt trip him into playing a few songs. I think it’s the best idea we’ve had in years.” Students are coming together in an effort to convince Dylan to perform. Jesse Manning ’13, who is the general manager of WBRS and had led the initial effort to bring Dylan to SpringFest, created a Facebook page titled “Let’s Ask Bob Dylan to Play at Graduation.” “I’m thrilled that he’s going to be at commencement,” Manning
See DYLAN, 3 ☛
Tickle me a mensch
Quidditch goes varsity
Rosbash again
An alumn did something great or cool that gets a full page with a neat layout in this paper.
No, Emma Watson did not transfer to Brandeis. We like Kristen Stewart better anyway, or Misty of the water gym.
Prof. Rosbash (BIOL) won yet another award for discovering the much-acclaimed East Bug.
FEATURES 8 For "secret" ingredient, call: 781-330-0051
In an interview with the Justice, Senior Vice President for Communications Ellen de Graffenreid revealed that Dylan will headline an impressive list of honorees at this year’s graduation. While she expressed remorse that Dylan will not be performing at SpringFest, she explained that the decision was a financial one. “If we had hired him to perform at SpringFest, it would have cost us upwards of $75,000,” she said. “This is free. We give him one of those fancy little honorary degrees and
Let your voice be changed! Submit bad content to the editor online at www.thejustice.org so we can change it
STUFF
SPORTS 9 3/4
DARTS JEHUDA
17 16
iPHONE BARBIE
10 6
QUIZNOS SANDY, NEMO
10 2
News 3 COPYRIGHT 2013 FREE SPERM. Email pregnancy@thejustice.org No give backs.
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Monday, april 1, 2013
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THE JUSTICE
NEWS INTERVUE
OH SHIT IT’S THE BRAN POPO
Presadint Freb Lawrence shares wizdum
Medical Emergency
1. What is it like being president?
beng presadint r lik... imajin if u had an bug n nam him mr turtal n then u pee on mr turtal n he dy n u sad... b presadint r opasit of that bc im am b v hapy bc am presadint (im stil pee on alot of bug tho lmao)
2. What is your favorite part about being president?
my favrit part of be presadint r the presadint room is an big room that ur not aloud in bc ur not presadint n thers bird n the bird fly n do trick lik flyng n then im hav sex w alot of ladeys. aslo is fum 2 fire ppl frum breaddeis 4 not b cool enuf lmao lik ‘hey ur pants r a idiet ur fird dildy now go way’ smh idk y he havd idiet pants dum dildy...
April 1—A student called BEMCo complaining of a hangnail. The student was rushed to the Newton-Wellesley Hospital where he was treated with a bandaid. April 1—A party called to report being bitten by a bunny, possibly rabid. The party described the bunny as small and brown with bloody fangs. As of press time, the bunny remains at large.
Provisions on Demand Market called University Police to report “an all-out brawl” in the candy section of the Market. Upon their arrival, University Police witnessed a scene reminiscent of Fight Club. After some investigation, it was determined that the source of the fight was that someone mixed M&M’s and Skittles into the same bin. The store is undergoing necessary repairs and will be closed indefinitely.
Drugs
Larceny
i wanan put mor duks in masel watr thing im gonan steel them frum jehuda bc he probly hav alot of duk is gonan be so fun gonan yel smh dildy i stol ur duks wtf r u gonan do fucko lmao
April 1—University Police responded to a report of a student chewing the face off of the Louis Brandeis statue outside the Shapiro Campus Center. It was reported that the student had taken bath salts. She was restrained by University Police and take to the NewtonWellesley Hospital.
4. Are there any changes you would like to implement?
Fisticuffs
3. What plans do you have for the future of Brandeis?
i wamt mor monky at breaddeis n i wanan hav big statu of me pee on jehuda. im gonan nok down librery n put it ther bc librery r 4 idiet hu not alredy smarp... im freb im no evrything y do i need librery smh
April 1—A manager from the
April 1—University Police received a call from University President Frederick Lawrence, who noticed that the Louis Brandeis statue had disappeared from its usual location. After a very thorough investigation, University Police could not recover the statue until a call was received from the Department of Athletics. The statue was found at the bottom of the Linsey Pool.
Disturbance
April 1—A student in the Mandel Humanities Quad called to report a violation of social justice. The incident is under investigation by University Police and the Federal Bureau of Investigation. SWAT teams are also involved, though the Justice is unsure to what extent. April 1—University Police dispersed a large crowd outside the Foster Mods. The hosts were identified, and it was established that the event was an alternative junior-senior formal.
Traffic
April 1—University Police received reports of a car parked in front of a fire hydrant near Bernstein-Marcus. Upon arrival, the officer discovered University President Freb Lawrence in the car. Lawrence claimed he was “specifcly dispensated” to park there because he is “presadint
6. Do you have a role model or someone who acts as an inspiration? If so, who is it and why?
i saw an cool duk onc he was swimng n wutevr he wa cool quak lmao
7. Team Edward or Team Jacob?
teem frebwarb im am varpider n warewolfs at same tim lmao look at moon woof ima eet ur bluds dildy
8. How is Kathy doing?
smh am dont hav an cat hav berd. cat r lik smal doge that bitey. berd r gud his nam r mr flying n i trane him to punhc jehuda lmao insted 1 tim he hit me insted of jehuda so i fire him from breaddeis lmao mor lik fir him frum berddeis lmao gett it bc breaddeis rime w berd.
9. Do you have any hobbies or secret talents?
im hav an few hobo they not secrete tho, my talint r im am rly gud at p on alot of thing lik candl or book or ppl or evn tolet!!! did u no breaddeis ratted numbr 1 colij 4 be pee on by freb???
10. Recent polls have shown a fifth of Americans can’t locate the U.S. on a world map. Why do you think this is?
idk wut an map r. ameraca r ok but i think not that meny ppl no abt it bc breaddeis r bettr bc im here (im freb) n so they wanan com her n say o helo freb u r presadint r u famis n i say yes my sun lmao get it bc sun r maek brite. n then they forget that ameraca r an thing bc freb ar cool.
Following the interview, Freb had a question for the Justice.
n fimanly im hav qeston 4 u jutsice:: wat r dog? aslo wer do obamna liv cuz im lookd n am prety sure is not breaddeis so idk wer els smh. aslo r a food gud or is it bettr 2 just eet tolet lmao i trickd u in2 eetng an tolet bc tolet is probely tast worst then an food. hav an good niet breaddeis n remeber 2 not eet ur pee!!!!! jk u eet alot of pee lmao
CORRECTIONS AND CLARIFICATIONS
n A photo caption in Sports contained numerous mistakes and typos. The error was due to the fact that the Sports editor, Photography editors and Copy editor were all completely wasted. The Justice welcomes submissions for errors that warrant correction or clarification. Email editor@ thejustice.org.
le
Justice
www.thejustice.org
Le Justice is le independent student newspaper of Breaddeis University. Le Justice is published every Tuesday of the academic year with le exception of examination and vacation periods. Editor in chief office hours are held Saturdays from 3 to 4 a.m. in the Justice office. Alcohol will be provided. Editor News Forum Features Sports Arts Ads Photos Managing
bigboss@thejustice.org booze@thejustice.org opinionz@thejustice.org longform@thejustice.org jury@thejustice.org farts@thejustice.org $$$$@thejustice.org snappers@thejustice.org creditcard@thejustice.org
The Justice Breaddeis University Mailstop 214 P.O. Box 549110 Waltham, MA 02454-9110 But who sends mail anymore? 1-800-JUST
April 1—University Police received a call about a suspicious person from a party in the Village. The suspicious person, who was wearing a black hooded sweatshirt, was found in the Village C lounge and confronted by University police. The party turned out to be a student who resides in the Village. April 1—A student called University Police reporting that he witnessed a figure that “looked like Santa” leaving Sherman Dining Hall. “I don’t know man, the dude was just schlepping a large sack on his back, like, what’s up with that?” University Police were unable to locate the suspicious figure and have yet to determine what someone would need a large bag for while at Sherman.
Hookups club chartered
ferst im wak up n say 2 werld helo dildy do u eet alot of pee n werld say yes lmao then i go otsid n see an dog n ask it wat it doin n it say woofs so then im in presadint room n i try n cal obamna 2 say that im am bettr presadint n he not anser so i say smh then i usuly yel at ppl intil im fal aslepe lmao
n An article in News in a 1994 issue of the Justice contained a typo. The article should have said “an,” not “a.” (News, p. 3)
Miscellaneous
SENATE LOG
5. Describe an average day in your life.
n Due to a reporting error and an issue with photo toning, the entire cast of “The Fresh Prince of BelAir” was incorrectly portrayed as being caucasian. (Arts, p. 18)
of breaddeis universaty.” No further action was taken.
OLIVIA DREAMFIRE/the Justice
Joke’s on you, suckas With no Brandeisians in sight, Jason Alexander and Larry David were free to tour the campus over break without being assaulted by the realities of Brandeis life. Famous students, hurr we come.
At the Senate meeting last Sunday, the Senate voted to recognize and charter a new club called Brandeis Hookups. According to the club’s constitution, its purpose is to “provide a safe space for Brandeisians to share their raunchiest, craziest hookup stories.” The constitution continued, saying that the club will be compelled to meet once a week “under the bleachers, on top of the castle, or wherever we can get away with, baby ;)” The Senate approved the club’s charter by a vote of 15 to 1. One student in opposition said that he thought the club should take the opportunity to do more for students. “Honestly, I think they should just straight up call it the Brandeis Porn Club,” he said after the meeting in an interview with the Justice. “I don’t see any reason why anyone would be part of this club besides ‘self-gratification,’ if you know what I mean.” Students reactions to the clubs recognition and charter were mixed. “I don’t know why people really feel the need to hear their friend’s disgusting sex stories,” said Squirtle ’16 in an interview with the Justice. “And if they really do want to, why does there have to be a club for it? Back in my day, that’s what sleepovers were for.” Others said that there is a definite need for the club. “Brandeis was built on a foundation of social justice,” an anonymous Facebook poster said in an interview with the Justice. “I believe that one of my basic human rights is to make up kinky stories and then share them anonymously. This club is fulfilling an important need on campus.” When the Senate discussed the club’s request on Sunday, Executive Senator Ricky Rosen ’14 had the last word on the subject. “Ultimately, this is about free speech. We are not in a position to stifle the creative expression of these people, and therefore we must recognize and charter this club. By the way, did I tell you guys about that time when my girlfriend and I…” Rosen was promptly interrupted by several members of the Senate clearing their throats loudly and the Justice left the meeting. —Sam Steelmuffin
HOROSCOPES Aries (March 21-April 19): Don’t worry about all the hard work and dozens of cover letters you did trying to get an internship this summer. You’ll have plenty of time to relax while working at McDonald’s instead. Free French fries!
Leo (July 23-August 22): After the stunt you pulled streaking across Chapel’s Field last week, you are the talk of the town. Keep up the good work and you’ll be the shining psychotic star on campus (until you are arrested)!
Taurus (April 20-May 20): Stop being so stubborn and get on with your life. Your problems are no different than the rest of the world’s, so move on. Daddy isn’t buying you a new Mercedes for graduation.
Virgo (August 23-September 22): Your roommate’s disorganized, messy side of the room is driving you crazy. Why not take your revenge? Steal their drugs, put used condoms in their bed, sexile, post their secret diary entries on Facebook–the sky is the limit!
Gemini (May 21-June 20): Remember last weekend when you hooked up with both those guys the same night? They didn’t appreciate your flirtatious multi-tasking. Maybe it’s time to rein in your wild sides, both of them! Cancer (June 21-July 22): You are an emotional wreck. Stop singing sappy, depressing country songs about heartbreak, substance abuse, and a dead dog. Hit the bars and turn up some Britney Spears. Just don’t hook up with another one of your TAs, or CAs, or CDCs, or OL.
Libra (September 23-October 22): Poor you, deciding between traveling Europe or getting that amazing internship over the summer. Everyone hates you and your good luck anyways, so might as well run away to Europe! Scorpio (October 23-November 21): Listen, we know you are intense and passionate, but staring creepily at that girl in class everyday is not cool. It is disturbing someone should call BranPo before you go crazy…
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21): Go ahead and explore the world. Regardless, you’re going to die of some rare infectious disease while wandering the jungles of southern Africa. Don’t worry, you’ll be inducted into the crazy, famous Brandeisians club for your valiant efforts. Capricorn (December 22-January 19): Live a little. Loosen up and have some fun for once instead of spending Friday night in the SCC library. YOLO! Aquarius (January 20-February 18): Everyone knows you are a bad ass, so don’t let them down. Practice your keg stands and break your tequila shots record! What else is college for? Your grades suck anyways! Pisces (February 19-March 20): You’ve got your head in the clouds, daydreaming about that crush of yours. News flash, your love life is about as successful as Taylor Swift’s. And you are not nearly as talented of a singer/songwriter as she is. Join guitar club!
monday, april 1, 2013
DYLAN: Univ to dispense weed at graduation CONTINUED FROM 1 said. “I hopefully get to see him perform, and I don’t even need to be in charge of organizing the damn thing.” As of press time, 268 students had “liked” the page. Seven stories about students hooking up with Dylan had been posted on the “Brandeis Hookups” page. Joining Dylan on the stage will be Deborah Bial ’87, Alana “Honey Boo Boo” Thompson, nine-year old actress Quvenzhané Wallis, Israeli President Benjamin Netanyahu and Hamas leader Khaled Mashaal. A hologram of Louis Brandeis will deliver the keynote address. Bial was last year’s commencement speaker. In a March 30 BrandeisNow press release, University President Fred Lawrence said that Bial was so impressive last year, that he felt compelled to invite her back again. Student reaction to the announcement was mixed. There has been unanimous, spirited support for Netanyahu and Mashaal. The two are expected to meet up and fly into Boston together, and are scheduled to share a bunk bed in Usen Hall.
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THE JUSTICE
3
TRIAL AND ERROR
However, Thompson and Wallis have sparked controversy. Tempers have flared across campus as supporters for each star have sought to belittle the others’ talents. “Wallis is typical of lamestream Hollywood acting,” Sam Mintz ’15 told the Justice. “Quvenzhané Wallis has more talent in her little pinky than Honey Boo Boo does in her entire body,” shouted Nan Pang ’13 in response, before punching Mintz in the face. The Louis Brandeis hologram was a surprise, last-minute addition to the lineup. The University has hired AV Concepts, the company that unveiled a Tupac Shakur hologram at last year’s Coachella Valley Music and Arts Festival, to create the hologram. “I’m really looking forward to hearing his speech,” Lawrence said in the BrandeisNow release. “He’s dead so I’ve never had the chance to talk to him before. I’m eager to hear what he’s going to say.” —Andrew Honkerpickle wrote a different article. This one was better.
Room for rent -Fully furnished -Big closet -Brick wall -View of Boston -Walking distance from ICC, Usdan, Kutz and Room of Requirement -Located on a hill -Occasional bugs -Hidden tunnels -Frequent noise from heater
ONLY $760/month
OLIVIA DREAMFIRE/the Justice
BUT MOSTLY ERROR: Brandeis is considering plans to develop a law school in the space where the Castle is now.
LAW: Spending on law even unto its innermost parts CONTINUED FROM 1 court. Administrators said the law school plan is still up in the air, but has not been ruled out. The goal is to have the first entering class in fall 2020. The plan is to place the law school in the Castle, which is known for its functioning heat and working pipes. In order to start a law school, the University would have to invest a significant amount of resources into hiring faculty and providing physical space for the classes. A proposal written by Senior Vice President for Students and Enrollment Andrew Flagel suggests that tuition and fees would rise by 10 percent for fiscal 2015, and another six percent every subsequent fiscal year.
“The only economical way to build a School of Law is to drown undergraduates in debt and push the cost onto the undergraduate population,” read the report. Due to the significant cost increases, student leaders said the plan was a good idea. “I think whatever Flagel does is great, and Steve Goldstein is like a genius mad scientist. They have no flaws,” said Student Union President Todd Kirkland ’13 in an interview with the Justice. “I support everything the administration does wholeheartedly, and I have no reservations about the law school.” Student Union Secretary Carlton Shakes commented in hashtags in an email to the Justice. “ #failingcalculus #sorrynotsorry #lawschool?,” he wrote.
Faculty, however, were not as sanguine to hear of the proposal. Profs. Jacob Cohen (AMST) and Gordie Fellman (SOC) said that a law school would be beneficial as long as it followed the legacy of 1960s-era radicals such as Abbie Hoffman; Kathy Powers, the former fugitive and ex-con; and Professor Herbert Marcuse, the Marxist scholar. Others requested that the law school focus on the field of sustainability. “We need to produce law students who will defend eggs from being placed in restrictive cages. Vegans and vegetarians, who are being discriminated against at most universities, also need vigorous legal defense,” said the Students for Environmental Action president.
PLAN: Strategy takes noise, funk to develop a plan with strategy CONTINUED FROM 1
Contact Rachel B. at rentroom@thejustice.org
“I’m not sure what this means for me or any of my staff,” she said in an interview with the Justice. “Even though I taught Biology before becoming Dean, I was an English major in college, and frankly, I think the humanities are important. My liberal arts education taught me how to use big words like ‘important,’ and clearly I wouldn’t be in this position today if it wasn’t for the hours I spent making up essays
about obscure poetry.” Humanities professors seemed understandably bothered by the change, but most of them have backup plans in place. “I have an associate professor position lined up at Oberlin,” said Prof. Benjamin Sherman (PHIL) in an interview with the Justice. “It should be a positive switch. “While the University apparently doesn’t value my vast professional experience or Pulitzer Prize, I’m sure I can find a college that
does,” said Prof. Eileen McNamara (JOUR). University President Frederick Lawrence could not be reached by press time, but was rumored to be shut in his office trying to figure out a way to turn the study of law into a science of some sort. Editor’s Note: This will be the Justice’s last issue, since all of our editors are majoring in Politics, American Studies, Journalism, English or Legal Studies.
4
THE JUSTICE
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monday, april 1, 2013
LETTIN’ LOOSE
Wireless Internet blackout causes chaos
■ Several students were hospitalized and many others inconvenienced during the three-hour blackout. By sam STEELMUFFIN chief muffin butterer
The Brandeis campus descended into a state of total chaos and absolute anarchy last Sunday when the University’s wireless Internet network went down for approximately three hours. Students were seen running around campus with torn clothing, wailing and screaming as they scavenged for food and fought over scarce resources. Some students slammed lifeless iPhones on the ground in frustration, while others continually refreshed the Internet browsers on their laptops while muttering to themselves. University President Frederick Lawrence released a statement to the University community via smoke signals, which declared a campus-wide state of emergency. The statement read: “We ask at this time that students not panic, but rather stay in their rooms and cower in the corner. The best way for all of us to avoid injury and embarrassment is if we stay inside and DO NOT attempt to interact with the real world. Also, if anyone knows how to tie a necktie without looking at an instructional video on YouTube, please come to my office immediately.” The biggest problem during the network blackout appeared to be that members of the University community did not know how to accomplish basic tasks without using the Internet. Several students starved as they tried to operate their microwaves. “How long do I heat these noodles for?” cried Jesse Manning ’13 as he stared at a package from the Provisions on Demand market. “This is the kind of thing I would usually look up on the Internet.” A heroic bystander pointed out to Manning that there were cooking directions on the label. The bystander was quickly swarmed by students asking for help with daily-life tasks that the blackout had rendered impossible. Older professors with tenure seemed to be the only members of the University community who were able to function normally
NAN STUDHOSE/the Justice
COMPLETELY UNPREPARED: This was the horrifiying scene witnessed outside the Shapiro Campus Center on Sunday during the 3-hour wireless internet blackout on campus. during the network blackout, likely because they are not surprisingly the ones who rely the least on University Internet services. Prof. Jerry Cohen (AMST) was seen, as usual, walking down the Rabb steps with a large, furry hat, seemingly completely unfazed by the chaos around him. Prof. Marty Levin (POL) made several phone calls as he paced around a deserted, desolate, dark library.
The Justice secured an exclusive interview with John Unsworth, the head of Library and Technology Services, who revealed that the problem should have been easily solved but for a minor error. “It could have been fixed in minutes, but we keep all our instructions for fixing things like this in a Google doc that we suddenly couldn’t access,” he said. Unsworth said that he was finally
able to fix the problem at 5 p.m. on Sunday, after several students had been admitted to the hospital. The campus was restored to normal, and students basked in the glow of their re-connected devices as they caught up on email and Facebook, among other social media websites. Lawrence’s office released another statement declaring the campus-wide state of emergency
over and that students were free to go outside again. “I would like to offer a big thank you to our LTS staff, who worked hard throughout the outage to fix the problem,” read the statement, oblivious to the reality of LTS’ ineptitude and failure. “Also, someone PLEASE come help, I still can’t figure out how to tie this goddamn tie,” the statement continued.
DRUNK MUNCHIES
University Dining Services wins commendation
■ Students say that the
prestigious award is overdue for Brandeis’ phenomenal, scrumptious dining hall food. By henry HOTBUTT its also huge
While Brandeis boasts a reputation as being a place of exceptional academic quality, there is something that makes the University stand out even more: its superior food. Due to the recent release of Newsweek’s college dining rankings, the University has finally gained overdue recognition for its best-kept and most surprising secret. Brandeis was named first in the nation for college dining, and the Brandeis cooks have finally received acclaim, which many students say has actually been a long time coming. “I have to say, I was a little confused when I originally toured Brandeis,” said Josh Kelly ’14, who, despite possessing a car, is rarely bothered by his friends to drive them to local restaurants. “I asked the tour guide how the food was here and he stared down at the ground and quietly muttered, ‘Eh, it’s…it’s pretty good.’ Then he quickly changed the subject to talking about Smart Balance. Maybe he was just being modest, kind of like
CLARA NAUGHTYFINGERS/the Justice
SHINING BEACON: Students enjoy themselves at Usdan Dining Hall, the main attraction of Brandeis’ award winning dining services. the way someone who wins a Pulitzer says, ‘Oh, yeah, I got a little award for a book I wrote this one time,’” Kelly continued. Unlike many colleges, in which slimy, cold food is served slowly at the front of long lines of disgruntled students, Brandeis’ dining operation—run by Aramark, a high-quality food supplier who supplies food
for renowned and popular local restaurants like Franco’s Pizza and In A Pickle—operates like a well-oiled and greasy machine. “Quick” and “efficient” are two of the adjectives that come to mind when describing Usdan Boulevard on a weekday morning just after 11 a.m., when students rush in from all directions after waking up or get-
ting out of class. At many schools, college dining staff will wait until students begin showing up for lunch before putting food in the fryalator, rather than anticipating a huge crowd. However, the grill—featuring premium-quality foods like chicken tenders and French fries—is always fully staffed, serves generous por-
tions and can feature as many as three different workers in order to keep the lines short, food hot and students happy. “I’ve absolutely been blown away by my Brandeis dining experience,” said an enthusiatstic David Goldberg ’14 in an interview with the Justice. “The quality of food at such a low cost is mind-blowing. I never expected I would learn to love cold pizza, and nothing makes me happier than paying for a meal and getting three chicken tenders and half a can of curly fries.” “The way they’re looking out for students and trying to keep them from becoming overweight is admirable.” However, given that Brandeis achieved pole position in the overall dining rankings, it was a surprise that Brandeis’ dining services did not win the highly-coveted distinction of “Best Kosher Food.” That honor went to Liberty University, located in Lynchburg, Va. Despite missing out on top spot in that category, Kelly claims that he couldn’t be happier with the accolades that the University received. “The dining here is absolutely incredible,” said Kelly. “Whether it’s challenging us to somehow consume 21 meals every week, or creating a Passover schedule which teaches all of us about time management and eating dinner at 4:45 p.m., they continue to dazzle us all,” he contnued.
THE JUSTICE
crime
Army to staff Pachanga ■ A heavily armed force will
cooperate with University police in controlling the notoriously chaotic dance. By ALEXA DREAMTHONG JUSTICE STAFF stripper
Due to the event’s tumultuous past, the National Guard has been enlisted for Pachanga, Brandeis’ popular dance party. Scheduled for April 13 of this year, the event has proved too much to handle for the Department of Public Safety in the past. One of Brandeis’ few official dances, Pachanga is sponsored by the International Club as a chance to bring together the campus community with exciting music and a lively environment. However, over the years, the event has gained a notorious reputation for excessive alcohol intake and uncontrollable behavior by the students. This year, according to Director of Public Safety Edward Callahan, students will be monitored with the help of the National Guard. “We just can’t have a repeat of 2010,” Callahan said. “The students were uncontrollable. If this is going to be a safe event, we’re going to have to step it up.” For the Brandeis community, that means surrendering half of the Usdan Campus Center to house the additional troops. Both upper and lower Usdan will be transformed from cafeterias into base camps for 50 soldiers and their commanders. The location is convenient, Callahan explained, because the event is to be held on the other side of Usdan, in Levin Ballroom. On the night of Pachanga, 25 soldiers, who are to be armed with tear
gas, will be stationed around Levin Ballroom itself. The other 50 will be on patrol around campus, because “this event is generally associated with heavy alcohol consumption in the dorm rooms before the actual dance. That’s where we ran into trouble in the past. Brandeis students aren’t accustomed to such extreme drinking and some of them just got out of control,” said Callahan. Brandeis police will be mixed in with the soldiers, and will be expected to handle communications between students and military. Students must first pass inspection, including a breathalyzer test, before they will be allowed into Pachanga, in order to prevent anybody who is under the influence from disrupting the event. Once inside, the students will not be allowed re-entry after 11:30 p.m. The presence of the National Guard is not intended to inhibit “the experience of Pachanga,” Callahan clarified. “We still want kids to have fun, we just want them to do it safely.” University President Frederick Lawrence shared his support for Callahan’s plan, adding that “we are a school of integrity and academic achievement. If our students are to succeed, we must keep them safe.” Massachusetts Governor Deval Patrick agreed, saying that “this is what the National Guard is for. At first I was hesitant, but then I realized that there is no other place these guys should be and if we’re going to change the country we have to start where it really matters—in the schools.” Both Callahan and Lawrence, however, stress that force will not be used unless absolutely necessary. “We’re not here to start a war,” Lawrence said. “Really this is just a
precautionary measure. Brandeis Police didn’t have the manpower to control the students in past years, and the National Guard is just here as backup. We don’t expect for anything to happen, but just in case, we’re ready.” They also admitted that the administration is prepared for “an enormous amount” of backlash from the students, Callahan stated. This decision is unprecedented, and many students may not understand the need for such extreme action, he said. As predicted, student reactions to the planned military presence have been mixed. For some, bringing an army to a university based around social justice and world peace contradicts the very ideals upon which Brandeis was founded. However, for others, such as Pat Seaward ’13, having the National Guard on campus brings a sigh of relief. “Pachanga is always crazy. It’s the one night of the year that students really get to let loose, but some kids just can’t handle it. For me, it’s about having fun and being safe at the same time,” said Seaward, who does not plan to attend the event because he is on the baseball team. No matter what, this year’s Pachanga promises to be one the community will never forget. The National Guard on the campus of a liberal arts university such as Brandeis may cause more problems than several intoxicated students, but it’s a risk the administration is willing to take. Hopefully, the event’s notorious past will be forgotten and Pachanga will once again become a symbol of culture and community. But more realistically, someone is probably going to get shot.
drink, drank, drunk
University prohibits tap water
■ All water fountains on
campus will be replaced with vending machines containing bottled water. By marissa tightlick you dont want to know
Recent petitions, environmental campaigns and overall ruckus initiated by students seeking to ban the sale of bottled water on campus have led the University to take action. The petitions led University administrators to investigate the matter, and the administration found significant research revealing the harms of tap water and the benefits of bottled water. On Monday, the administration met with Dining and Facilities Services to propose a new initiative that would require the removal of water fountains from residence halls and dining halls on campus. “Water from the tap is incredibly unhealthy. We would rather our students drink bottled water that has gone through the cleansing process,” said Senior Vice President for Students and Enrollment Andrew Flagel. The administration has planned to replace all water fountains with vending machines that will provide free bottled water to all students. However, the proposed plan involves increased
housing fees in order to raise enough funds to execute it. “The plan will only increase student expenses slightly,” said President Fred Lawrence in an interview with the Justice. “We are concerned about the health of our students, and our students must be healthy to maintain academic excellence.” Aramark will be working with the University to supply the bottled water to students. According to Aramark’s Director of Operations Matt Thompson, the bottles will be sent to the University, and the water will be procured from an on-campus source that he refused to disclose prior to investigation. “I saw Dining Services workers standing by Massell Pond yesterday,” said Massell Quad resident Taylor Goldston ’16. “They had bottles and filled it up with water from the pond. They scared the ducks away.” When asked about this incident, Thompson admitted that Dining Services had been testing the water from Massell Pond to assess its components for potential use. “We found that Massell Pond only harbors a minimal amount of infectious viruses and threatening varieties of bacteria, so it is definitely a top candidate for a water source at this point,” said Thompson. According to Thompson, the top contenders at this point are Massell
Pond, Chapels Pond and the Charles River. “They are the same sources used for water that goes to the bathrooms on campus currently, so why not use them to our advantage, as well?” The University does not plan to exchange the bottles for monetary compensation due to the large amount of bottles the administration expects to be disposed of on a consistent basis, and the amount of extra labor such an initiative would require. “You might as well throw the bottles in the trash, because we will not be going through the recycling and earning the money back,” said Flagel. In response to the University’s plan, Students for Environmental Action issued a statement to the administration and Aramark yesterday. “We are incredibly saddened and disappointed by your decision. You are literally doing the complete polar opposite of what we were petitioning for. Like the complete opposite. Not even close.” SEA plans to initiate a new petition and hold a protest tomorrow at noon outside of Gryzmish Administration Building. Lawrence responded to the SEA’s plans and statement in an interview with the Justice. “I mean SEA can do all it wants, but it is not going to change our plans. I will probably watch them protest, though, because it’s fun.”
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JOSH HUMPERHOOD/the Justice
TALENTED TRIO: Fred Lawrence, Steve Goldstein and Andrew Flagel strut their stuff.
Administrators take to stage at Liquid Latex ■ Provost Steve Goldstein
’78 offered to show the Justice his “Goldstein Shake.” The Justice politely declined. shakira, shakira
JOSH HUMPERHOOD/the Justice
monday, april 1, 2013
SUPER SCHOLARS
By jessie heavenhips
P-CHANGS: “An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind,” said Mahatma Gandhi. President Lawrence told Gandhi to “fuck off.”
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How well do you really know the Brandeis administration? Ever wonder about their hidden talents, extracurricular interests or wild side? Well, whether or not you are interested, they offered up their own way of increasing transparency with the students. Stripped down and slathered in paint, the administration hit the stage in their first ever performance inspired by the student club Liquid Latex. The quite daring and risqué idea to perform on stage covered only in paint was inspired by the recent Student Union proposal to restructure student clubs because they “want to demonstrate to students the ability to work together and collaborate to strengthen existing clubs.” As stated, the administration believes that their student production-inspired show will demonstrate to club leaders that they too embrace the vibrant, voyeuristic culture of today. While finding my seat in Levin ballroom, I was hesitant about quality of the show. Could adults twice our age really pull off a Liquid Latex show? As it began, I cleared my mind and crossed my fingers that their paint wouldn’t rip during the show. The first performance opened with upbeat, 1970s-inspired dance featuring Provost Steve Goldstein ’78 and his office coworkers, including Vice Provost for Library and Technology Services John Unsworth; Dean of Academic Services Kim Godsoe; Senior Advisor to the Provost Anita Hill; University Registrar Mark Hewitt; and Assistant Provost for Graduate Student Affairs Alwina Bennett. The six administrators were painted in bright, geometric and floral designs that were reminiscent of 70s wallpaper. Possible nostalgia, anyone? Musical highlights included “ABC” by Jackson 5, “Cocaine” by Eric Clapton, “Stayin’ Alive” by the Bee Gees and the always popular “Y.M.C.A.” As groovy as their music was, I encourage them to only boogy in the office. In an interview with JustArts, Josh Waxenbaum ’14, coordinator of Liquid Latex, exclaimed the performance was “totally awesome” and convinced him that “the administrators are totally interested in the same stuff as students.” As well, after the show, Goldstein emphasized his commitment to retaining a keen awareness on campus culture: “I want the stu-
dents to know that I get them. I’m cool. Want to see my Goldstein Shake?” President Frederick Lawrence, accompanied by cohorts Senior Vice Presidents Mark Collins, Andrew Flagel and Steven Manos, exploded on stage in an energetic, crowd-roaring, boy band remix. Lawrence took center stage and it was clear the immense amount of time poured into his routine. In a spinoff of Rose Levenson’s ’15 “It’s Britney Bitch,” the four administrators channeled the boy band NSYNC. Lawrence, painted as Justin Timberlake, led the group through a mashup of popular NSYNC songs, including “Bye, Bye, Bye” and “It’s Gonna Be Me.” Levenson commented that she was “glad to see the other half of 90s pop music represented in Latex.” However, Flagel’s breakdancing quickly stole the show; afterwards, he explained “the Kaos Kids members helped me get in touch with my inner dancer. I spent hours practicing with those guys and I had a lot of fun. I’m performing in their next show, too!” The next act featured Office of the Arts Administrator Scott Edmiston, Associate Director Ingrid Schorr, Director of the Rose Art Museum Chris Bedford and Director of Academic Programs Dabney Hailey. The two men performed an emotionally charged ballad dance performance that defined the meaning and importance of art to the world. They were painted by the department of Fine Arts faculty, Prof. Joseph Wardwell, Susan Lichtman, Lucy Kim and Graham Campbell (FA), as famous art works. The dancers bodies showed the progression of painting over time: Neolithic, medieval, ancient Greek, renaissance, impressionism, cubism, surrealism and post-modernist with each individual featuring a different time period on their front and back. Wardwell, undergraduate advising head for Studio Arts, described the experience as “eye-opening and one of the most unique artistic experiences” of his career. “I think that Liquid Latex gave the Fine Arts department an interesting way to convey the beauty and complexities of art history in a way that really connects with student interest,” he explained. Considering the amount of hard work and balls it took to get on stage naked, I think the administrators put on a great show. Though their footwork and designs may not have been perfect, I enjoyed watching the administrators echo the amazing performance given by students just a week earlier. For next year, it would be great to see some professors get involved with the show—if they get to grade our work and assign a million pages of reading, shouldn’t we get to judge them in latex?
6 MONDAY, april 1, 2013 ● THE JUSTICE
Justice Justice
the the
Established 1949, Brandeis University
Brandeis University
Consumated 1949
Jeffrey Musclebottom, The Dancin’ Bare Sam Steelmuffin, Dick’s Cabaret Glen Chagi Thunderrustler, Andrew Honkerpickle, Jessie Heavenhips and Marissa Tightlick, The Great Alaskan Bush Company Nan Studhose, Boobie Bungalow Tate Dazzlebrook, The Rear End Josh Humperhood and Olivia Dreamfire, Bottom’s Up Gentleman’s Club Henry Hotbutt, The Whorecrux Alexa Dreamthong, The Daily Grind Jaime Heavenwhip, The Shaved Clam Rachel Sunnyshock, The Landing Strip Sara Ticklebutton, Cruisin Chubbies Marielle Razorhooter, The Spice Rack Brittany Shimmertower, Daddy Day Care Rachel Passionside, Starbutts Clara Naughtyfingers, The Dripping Lollipop
Law school represents progress Over the course of the past few years, Brandeis has felt pressure from the academic world to join the ranks of the other 1,230,844 schools that feature a graduate school of law. Recently, the Board of Trustees has voted affirmatively on the idea and the administration has been given the thumbs up to begin planning. The Jehuda Reinharz School of Law will finally come to fruition. This board fully endorses the building of a law school. Like any functional business, sitting on piles of cash is both inefficient and unproductive. According to the most recent annual financial report, Brandeis currently has a total of $11.32 in unused cash. This money is simply not being used productively and we feel an investment in a law school would bring both a solid financial return and help current pre-law students have a fall back school if all other options fail. Additionally, as with any program, academic planning, or operational question we have an obligation to ask ourselves, ‘what would Louis Brandeis do?’ Good ole’ Louis’ background as a Supreme Court justice simplifies this conundrum. In order for all of us to follow in Brandeis’ footsteps we must follow his wisdom and invest in a law school. However, as with anything this board has ever endorsed, we have many reservations. Before fashioning a law school, the moral code
More social justice and stuff of the school must be established as compatible with that of Brandeis as it currently stands. As with most of the undergraduate programs, the goal is not vocational. Rather, we hope the law school furthers the goals of social justice, tikkun olam, emet and other similarly vague phrases that are not clearly defined. In order to help the University produce a law school that matches the level of excellence that Brandeis has come to expect from its programs, this board encourages the raise of tuition by an amount to be determined by Senior Vice President for Students and Enrollment Andrew Flagel to help offset the costs. We feel that his undergraduate degree in psychology and philosophy, his master’s degree in education and human development, and his Ph.D. in education is perfectly suited to crunch the appropriate numbers and help assess a proper dollar value for the raise in tuition. This board is proud to see the University continue its efforts in making Brandeis the premier institution that it is. Adding the Jehuda Reinharz School of Law is only one of many steps in helping achieve the goal laid out by the founders of the University, that is, be as good as Harvard—while still being Jewish. Amen!
NAN STUDHOSE/la Justice
Views the News on
North Korea has recently been threatening military action against both the United States and South Korea. The country has been known for erratic behavior in the past and has a new, potentially unpredictable leader at the helm of a dangerous arsenal of nuclear weapons. Do you think that there is anything to fear from the country, and if so, what action should the United States take to prepare or respond?
Kim Jong-un I am not concerned at all about Obama’s decision, to be honest. Any response is futile. No one can stop the glorious, rising nation of North Korea, let alone the ugly bruise of the Earth known as America. If the United States wishes to respond, President Barack Obama should surrender his nation—and I use that term loosely—to my superior country and spare his imperialist land what would surely be a most humiliating defeat. My beautiful, precious nuclear weapons have the capability of completely wiping out the entire universe, though we brilliantly realize that would be highly unnecessary. Many ignorant imbeciles hilariously calling themselves political experts seem to think that my statements hold no weight, that I am throwing out empty threats. I can assure your readers, who I hope are a little more educated, that I am not an erratic leader and that I am completely legitimate. Furthermore, I have no hesitations. My people know me as the supreme military genius and I fully intend to showcase that to the rest of the world, if the U.S. continues to provoke me. I’ll nuke you all, YOLO. Kim Jong-un is the Supreme Leader of North Korea.
Student in Conspiracy Theory AMST 170a The question that we have to ask ourselves in this case is, what do we really know about North Korea? Is it real? Who is Kim Jong-Un? Does he really exist? Or is it all just a giant hoax perpetrated by the U.S. government, to rouse patriotism in its citizens and scare the shit out of them? Are they trying to assassinate South Korean pop star PSY and blame it on North Korea? As this so-called crisis escalates, it is important that we be aware of the underlying realities. Perhaps it is a coincidence that Brandeis recently pledged to strengthen its science programs in the strategic plan, but we have to consider the strong possibility that there is a nuclear weapons lab hidden somewhere on this very campus. The student body seems to be quite enamored with Obama—are they building nuclear weapons for him? Think about it, people: what’s really coming out of those steam tunnels?
Fight songs a necessity This editorial board feels that we must share a point of outrage with the Brandeis student body. As a school, and a proud representation of the population of young scholars and leaders of tomorrow, it is our duty to unite as a student body and showcase our Brandeisian pride. But the unfortunate reality is that, what Brandeis boasts in scientific scholars and theatrical talent, it certainly lacks in school spirit. Fellow Brandeisians, we implore you to tell, when was the last basketball game you went to and saw any students decked out in head-to-toe blue and white, faces painted, waving pom-poms and cheering through hoarse throats? What about soccer, swimming or even fencing? It is our duty to unite and stand strong together, and in order to do this, we must institute a Brandeis fight song. This editorial board has put together some ideas to lead us into a super spirited future. Consider the time-tested-and-approved lore of a simple chant or rhyme to bring students together at any sport or spirit event:
Justice, Justice, That’s our cause Fight, Fight, obey the laws With diversity and circumcision Our athletes push for the decision Go Jew! Go Judges! But of course, many students would be in
Diversity and circumcision favor of a more parodic song to unite us— something that everyone knows and can easily follow along with. Consider the potential of popular hits like The Lonely Island’s “I’m on a Boat.”
I’m at Brandeis brother take a look at me Straight cheerin’ at our field for the baseball team Bustin’ a fist pump, eatin’ bagels in the lab You can’t stop me braaah ‘cauze I’m drinkin’ Tab I’m riding on the Louis Brandeis statue, doin flips on it Louis be walkin’ up this hill leavin’ errybody out But this ain’t Harvard, this is as real as it gets I’m with Louis, crimson suckers, don’t you ever forget! If we all can make an organized effort to troll the Top 40 charts and unite to establish a fight song that we can stand behind as a student body, then our school will stand out from the rest just that much more. It starts with one—just one person to organize a Harlem Shake, or to write a parody and teach his or her friends—and soon, we will all be representing Brandeis with pride.
The student chose to stay anonymous. It definitely wasn’t Brian Fromm.
George W. Bush We clearly overlooked the North Korea situation during my term. We were determined to find weapons of mass destruction in Iraq. We needed to take down Saddam, and that was our top priority. North Korea … except for maybe South Korea, no one really cares about North Korea. But more importantly, we took down Saddam. You all misunderestimated my ability to do it, and I did it. But I don’t really know what to do about North Korea, and to be honest, I had no idea what was going on during my presidency. I can’t take responsibility for taking down Saddam at all. I’m not even actually sure what’s going on in North Korea. But Kim Jong-il and I had some good conversations back in the day. I hope whoever is president now knows how to handle the situation. Not sure who was president before this guy, but I don’t think he handled it either. We need a solution fast to these evil dictators. God bless America. George Bush is a former President of the United States.
Member of Brandeis Police As a member of the University Police force, my number one priority is the safety of Brandeis students. Therefore, as a preemptive measure, I believe that the United States should attack North Korea with deadly force—aka, NUKE EM! In fact, Brandeis can even volunteer our nuclear arsenal which is located under the Rabb steps. While some people may see this as an overreaction, I think that it has been a long time coming. The North Koreans have been practically taunting us for decades, and I’d say they deserve it. The officer wished to remain anonymous.
Liquid Latex is a step forward
THE JUSTICE
Glen Chagi
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Brandeis TALKS “lmao gorg from stamfelb wasnt at breaddeis 2da i wa just wachting tv idk y evry1 so exited smh u no tv r not reel gorg r not rl persin he onlty liv insid tv box he not gonan wak arond breaddeis lik an rl persin smh tak the clas ‘y the ppl on tv r not rl ppl taght by presadint freb’ mabey u lern somthin’” —Presadint Freb Lawrence on the recent visit of actor Jason Alexander to campus.
The naked truth
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monday, april 1, 2013
Quote of the week
THUNDERRUSTLER
A woman, dressed in nothing but her own skin, observes the empty auditorium in front of her. She wonders why her partner is late. Around her, close to a hundred people, also in the nude, stand tall and proud, with others meticulously working the naked bodies. The woman smiles. Soon, a short man in jeans and a t-shirt approaches the woman. They shake hands. She bends over the railing as the man crouches behind her. He begins to work on her backside and eventually reaches the beginning of the anal cavity. He executes his course slowly and passionately to perfection. The girl starts to giggle in the middle—it tickles. Later that night, the girl receives a standing ovation from her performance as the man in jeans stand proudly on the balcony above, watching his work receive the attention it deserves. The scene just described is not a video from brazzers.com, or from any other porn website for that matter. Nor is it a description of the world renowned Brandeis sex orgies, commonly referred to as a “NEJS class.” Rather it is a rather detail-oriented description of the preparation required for Liquid Latex. Liquid Latex, the only Brandeis performance that can boast an 8-1 man to woman ratio in attendance, is a collection of mini dance routines where the performers, wearing nothing but a thong—a piece of undergarments that only covers the vaginal canal—and latex body paint prance around a stage to various themes. According to a BrandeisNow article dated April 4, 2011, Liquid Latex is “an innovative annual show that last year (2010) was risqué enough to win Brandeis an honorable mention in Playboy mag-
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What is social justice?
NAN STUDHOSE/the Justice
azine’s ratings of party schools.” Liquid Latex has become such a staple of Brandeis University that it was mentioned 11 times in the recent draft of the strategic plan— a remarkable number considering the words “liberal arts” were only mentioned twice and the word “University” once. And so the question must be asked: What is so attractive about gorgeous woman and tall muscular men, all in the nude, prancing around a stage? How was this year’s show the second fastest box office sell-out, behind only the student events screening of Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire: Behind the scenes edition? Moreover, Why are so many students willing to partake in this performance? From the performers perspective, what is so appealing about stripping down, being painted over like a canvas, and performing in front of hundreds of their piers?
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The answer lies in the inherent nature of this University. Brandeis, like any top-tier University, can be a stressful place. Mid-terms, papers, extracurriculars, quidditch, supporting a two state solution in the Middle East, complaining about Dining Services, trying out for yet another a cappella group, waiting in line at Einstein Bro. Bagel’s even though there is a completely unmanned register, walking up Rabb steps, being the only non Jew and/ or Asian, and desperately begging the administration to divest from companies that take part in fossilfuels, global warming, Republicans, caged animals, and the continent of Africa takes a lot out of us! Sometimes we need to de-stress, let loose and show off that rocking body. For whatever reason, prancing around in the nude relieves that stress. Prancing in the nude worked for Adam and Eve way back before the earth started to warm, and it still
works now. However, while this answer helps us understand why the performers let their bosoms flop and their butt cracks be sealed prohibiting any sort of bathroom activity, it does not help explain why so many are interested in watching. Why do so many people show up? The answer to this question lies in the inherent nature of Liquid Latex. As if we were answering the questions of a political science mid-term, what “buzz words” can we associate with the show? Well there’s art. Some theater too. Maybe a little of embracing sexuality. Throw in everyone’s welcome. And last but certainly not least, raging, yet caged hormones, that are built up inside everyone because no one has sex here. Bam! You could use those same exact words to describe Brandeis itself! Hey Pres. Fred, who needs a strategic plan. We’ve got Liquid Latex.
Matzah Ball’15 “Frogs in his bed, frogs on his head. Frogs here, frogs there, frogs are jumping everywhere.”
Antonin Scalia ’14
“Changing your profile picture to make a difference. It’s all about that prof pic.”
? Owl Pachanga ’14
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“Swiping the last chocolate covered pretzel from a firstyear’s dirty fingers at the C-Store.”
Teddy Temkins ’15 “Promotin peace maaaaaan.”
Insert your face here
Literally. Do it. I dare you.
Joel Steinberg ’13 “What’s ‘social justice?’” —Compiled by the Injustice
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THE JUSTICE
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monday, april 1, 2013
JOSH HUMPERHOOD/the Justice
CHEERING ON THEIR MAN: The famed Coven’s Corner has recently taken its exploits off the field and into the Student Union Office.
Superfans create Kirkland’s Korner
Cheering section comes out in great number for Student Union By Jeffrey musclebottom JUSTICE glutemaster
The Brandeis Judges’ craziest superfans have found a new outlet for their enthusiasm: campus politics. With the men’s soccer team on hiatus until next fall, members of Coven’s Corner—the team’s fan section named after coach Michael Coven—have begun attending Student Union meetings. In celebration of the new focus, and in honor of the work done by Student Union President Todd Kirkland ’13, the group has given itself a new nickname: say hello to Kirkland’s Korner. “We’ve always been deeply passionate about the inner workings of student government at Brandeis,” explained Jesse Link ’13, a founding member of Coven’s Corner who suggested the switch. “This allows us to ensure that our voice is heard in the political process.” “It was initially distracting,” Kirkland
said of the fan section. “But now I can’t imagine conducting meetings without them. They’ve been instrumental to our success this semester.” Student Union Chief of Staff Jessie Manning ’13 said that the group had been particularly involved in the Senate’s recent proposal to restructure student-run clubs on campus. The new system would sort clubs into 12 different associations based on each club’s type and purpose. “There was fierce resistance to the idea at first among members of the Student Union,” Manning said. “But [Kirkland’s Korner] really rallied everyone together. They were jumping up and down and leading the entire room in doing the wave. By the time they handed out the beer cozies with the proposal printed on the front, everyone was pretty much on board.” Kirkland’s Korner has also adapted many of the innovative chants it led on the soccer field to mesh with student politics. For instance,
SUDOKU
INSTRUCTIONS: Place a number in the empty boxes in such a way that each row across, each column down and each small 9-box square contains all of the numbers from one to nine.
Solution to last issue’s sudoku
Sudoku Copyright 2012 MCT Campus, Inc.
“Sweet Sammy Nine,” which is sung to the tune of Neil Diamond’s “Sweet Caroline” and had initially praised Sam Ocel ’13, has been adapted to honor Student Union Treasurer David Clements ’14. “The first time I heard them singing ‘Sweet Clementine,’ I have to admit that I blushed pretty badly,” Clements said while visibly trying to hold back tears. “To have their support, it really means the world to me.” Other members of the Student Union weren’t as enthusiastic. “I feel like I can’t get a word in without them interrupting,” whined Ways and Means Co-chair David Fisch ’13. “Every time I start speaking, they have this little ditty that they sing. ‘Fischy swimming in a brook, daddy catches with a hook, mommy fries it in a pan, baby eats him like a man.’ What does that even mean? I don’t understand why they keep singing it.” Still, the reception has been positive for the most part. Kirkland, Manning and Vice
President Gloria Park ’13 all said that they hope Kirkland’s Korner can carry on for years to come. “Before they came along, I’m not sure that people had even heard of the Student Union,” Park said. “Now we’re celebrities. I walked into a Rosie party last weekend and everyone just started cheering. They’re setting up a VIP section at Pachanga in a few weeks for us. None of this ever could have happened without the fantastic work put in by the members of Kirkland’s Korner.” Link said that the success of Kirkland’s Korner has led the group to consider branching out even further. “We just want to spread enthusiasm around the Brandeis campus, and there’s really no limit to what we can do,” he said. “Fred [Lawrence]’s Fanatics, VoiceMale’s Vanguard, Gravity [Magazine]’s Groupies. I just came up with those off the top of my head. The potential here is limitless. I really feel like I’ve found my calling in life.”
CROSSWERD ACROSS 1 Opposite of bad 5 Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend 9 Tribe also called the Wyandot 14 TV warrior princess 15 Best naked gumball machine 16 Prefix with meter 17 Señorita’s love 18 Modernists, for short 19 Sarah Lamb’s (ANTH) favorite student 20 Schwasted, in Italian 22 Striped zoo creatures 23 Hagrid’s safeword 24 Chili spice 26 Star footballer 28 Ear fetish 32 Tron nickname formula 33 Your deepest, darkest secret 35 Where Mandela was pres. 36 Tonsillitis-treating MD 37 A man a plan a canal Panama 39 Why did the chicken cross the road? 40 “C’est la __” 41 Andrew’s nickname for his penis 42 The answer to life 43 Insistent words of affirmation 45 Best place to have sex on campus 48 Selfless sort 50 Russian anarchist 51 What is social justice? 54 Tequila ____ 58 Two-time loser to Jeffrey 59 Another word for clambake 60 Chlamydia, gonorrhea 61 Glowing signs 62 Letters on a phone button 63 Scads 64 The Yiddish word for penis 65 Where you hid the dead body 66 See 64-Across DOWN 1 Midterm, e.g. 2 Do followers, scalewise 3 Protects from disease 4 Batting helmet opening 5 Number of people I slept with last week 6 Viennese Oyster (look it up) 7 Bucking horse 8 Todd Kirkland’s ’13 middle name 9 Access illegally, as computer files 10 The going rate of mashgiach 11 Dial 781-736-4330, ask for Cathy 12 Chair 13 Christmas quaffs 21 First word of the Brandeis Alma Mater 22 Gulf State resident 25 Loan shark 26 Immortal PGA nickname
27 Thick 29 Control freak in a white dress 30 Syrian leader 31 CSI: NY actor Sinise 32 Bunch of beauties 34 Common use for ear wax 37 Rose-colored glasses wearer 38 Wet behind the ears 42 “Who the fuck are you kidding?!” 44 Tropical lizard 46 To pass gas, slang, plural 47 Something about North Korea 49 Sends regrets, perhaps 51 Sherman shopping, shortened 52 River of central Pleasantville 53 Gin flavoring 55 Direction reversals, in slang 56 “Yeah, what the heck!” 57 Maddy, horses 59 Miler Sebastian 63 Leggo my Eggo™
Solution to last issue’s crossword Crossword Copyright 2012 MCT Campus, Inc.