PAPAL MUSINGS 22
SPORTS Tennis drops a deuce 2
POPE CONVERTS
FORUM Fish deserve better than Massell Pond 7 The Indapendent Studnt Newspaper
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B r e a d d i e s U n a v e r sit y S i n c e 1 9 4 9
Justice
Volume XXX, Number 666
thejustice.org
Monday, April 1, 2013
WASTE OF MONEY
THE TIMES THEY AREN'T A-CHANGIN'
Lawrence reveals plan for law school ■ The University will spend
the rest of its endowment to establish the Jehuda Reinharz School of Law. By ANDREW HONKERPICKLE IT'S NOT A PICKLE IN HIS PANTS
At a time when the value of a law school education is being questioned due to its cost and the high unemployment rate of law school graduates, the University has announced plans to discuss building a new Brandeis School of Law. University President Fred Lawrence, who was formerly the dean of George Washington University Law School, said he would resign as president to head the Brandeis School of Law if his law school dream came to fruition.
Reinharz Gentlemen's Club, USA
“I asked myself ‘What would Louis do?’ and I prayed next to the Louis Brandeis statue facing the winds of adversity and I came to the conclusion that Louis would want me to be the dean of a law school. I heard the voice of Louis and followed my calling,” said Lawrence. The University has approached several current judges, lawyers and professors of law, including Daniel Day Lewis (channeling Abraham Lincoln), Judge Judy and Morgan Freeman (channeling Nelson Mandela) to see if they would come to Brandeis if the law school opens. Lawrence even wrote a letter to Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg asking her to relocate to Brandeis if she resigns from the
See LAW, 3 ☛
IT TAKES A VILLAGE
Strategic plan plans strategy for future ■ The new University
curriculum will consist entirely of science classes; the humanities are no more. By SAM STEELMUFFIN CHIEF MUFFIN BUTTERER
In an email to the Brandeis community yesterday, Provost Steve Goldstein ’78 announced that at Thursday’s faculty meeting, the faculty voted to fully embrace the strategic plan. The new University curriculum will consist entirely of science courses: both those that previously existed and new courses that will be devised to fill the gaps left by the humanities. “No more will our prestigious research University be held back by unnecessary classes like Intro to American Government,” read Goldstein’s statement. “No longer will our students be forced to study unacademic works like Shakespeare, Plato or the Bible. Brandeis University is moving into a new age: the era of Science with a capital
‘S’.” Reactions on campus were mixed; some students and faculty bemoaned the loss of the humanities, while others cheered what they called a “progressive” decision by the administration. “I guess I’ll be transferring to Oberlin,” sighed Philosophy major Brandon Starks ’15 in an interview with the Justice. “At least it will be way easier for me to get weed there.” “I think this is a wonderful decision,” said Biology and Neuroscience major Sara Dejene ’14 in an interview with the Justice. “Now I can actually study in my room! My roommate, who was studying American Studies, is always in there playing video games and Skyping with her friends. I’ve never seen her go to class or pull out a textbook or even pick up a pencil.” Dejene interrupted the interview to go study. At 9 a.m. on a Saturday. Former Dean of Arts and Sciences Susan Birren, whose title will be changed to Dean of Sciences, seemed confused about the change.
See PLAN, 3 ☛
JOSH HUMPERHOODSKY/La Justicia
ROLLING STONED: Administration finally caved to students' heartrending pleas and agreed to get Dylan for commencement.
Bob Dylan to headline 2013 commencement
■ Musician is part of an
impressive list of honorees at this year’s ceremony. By JEFFREY MUSCLEBOTTOM justice glutemaster
Bob Dylan, the infamous singersongwriter whom students originally sought to perform at this year’s SpringFest, will be honored at Brandeis’ 62nd commencement on Sunday, May 19.
then guilt trip him into playing a few songs. I think it’s the best idea we’ve had in years.” Students are coming together in an effort to convince Dylan to perform. Jesse Manning ’13, who is the general manager of WBRS and had led the initial effort to bring Dylan to SpringFest, created a Facebook page titled “Let’s Ask Bob Dylan to Play at Graduation.” “I’m thrilled that he’s going to be at commencement,” Manning
See DYLAN, 3 ☛
Tickle me a mensch
Quidditch goes varsity
Rosbash again
An alumn did something great or cool that gets a full page with a neat layout in this paper.
No, Emma Watson did not transfer to Brandeis. We like Kristen Stewart better anyway, or Misty of the water gym.
Prof. Rosbash (BIOL) won yet another award for discovering the much-acclaimed East Bug.
FEATURES 8 For "secret" ingredient, call: 781-330-0051
In an interview with the Justice, Senior Vice President for Communications Ellen de Graffenreid revealed that Dylan will headline an impressive list of honorees at this year’s graduation. While she expressed remorse that Dylan will not be performing at SpringFest, she explained that the decision was a financial one. “If we had hired him to perform at SpringFest, it would have cost us upwards of $75,000,” she said. “This is free. We give him one of those fancy little honorary degrees and
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STUFF
SPORTS 9 3/4
DARTS JEHUDA
17 16
iPHONE BARBIE
10 6
QUIZNOS SANDY, NEMO
10 2
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