The Justice - April Fools Edition 2009

GLUTTONY PAGE 20

NEWS Waltham police to stop caring

EAT A BIG MAC

JUICY Carl J. Shapiro not well-endowed

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Wednesday, April 1, 2009

BUDGET

ACADEMICS

Reinharz gets away with endowment

Committee will make committees

■ Everyone is looking for

University President Jehuda Reinharz after he ran off with the endowment.

■ The CCCCCCC will form

By MARLBORO HERZFELD COME TO WHERE THE FLAVOR IS

University faculty and staff were outraged to discover yesterday that University President Jehuda Reinharz had absconded with the University’s entire endowment.

“He did what?” exclaimed Prof.

Shula Reinharz (SOC), the former president’s wife, when confronted by reporters. “All of it? Aw, hell— hey, is there anything left in the Student Activities Fee?” Prof. William Flesch (ENG) expressed a similar sentiment.

“He’s gone? Already? That doublecrossing, silver-tongued hussy,” said Flesch, his voice a mix of envy and betrayal. “I knew I should have listened to Shula.”

Reinharz’s flight was first discovered early yesterday morning when a janitor found a handwritten note on Reinharz’s desk, apparently written the night before.

“So long suckers,” the note read.

“I’ll see you all in hell! Especially you, Frenchy,” a reference to Executive Vice President and Chief Operating Officer Peter French.

Although the note was signed “Jehudy R,” handwriting experts have verified that the letter was, in fact, written by Reinharz’s secretary, who is also missing.

“No, I wouldn’t know anything about the 53 enrolled students whose existence can’t be confirmed

new committees to help with University decision-making.

By JETBLUE FROMM HAPPY JETTING

The faculty unanimously passed a motion to form the Committee Collaborating on the Cautious yet Competent Creation of Clever Committees, whose sole job is to form other committees, according to University Provost Marty Krauss.

Dean of Arts and Sciences Adam Jaffe, who is chair of the pre-existing Curriculum and Academic Restructuring Steering Committee, explained: “I gave Marty the idea to form more committees after CARS was such a hit on campus. Everyone seemed to feel better after we made a committee, even if our ideas sucked.

So why not make more committees?

Then everyone would feel much better.” Jaffe likened the idea to a country printing more money when the economy is low, “so that way you have more money. Great idea, right?”

Since its formation, the CCCCCCC, or “Seven Cs,” as Krauss has taken to calling it, has been working around the clock forming committees. Krauss told the Justice that “these committees don’t actually do anything yet, but we thought it would be a good way to show the community that we’re doing everything we can to clean up this huge pile of dog poo our University has fallen in.”

So far, according to Krauss, “the Seven Cs has formed 519 utterly useless committees with names that make them sound useful.”

To go along with CARS, Krauss explained, the CCCCCCC has formed such committees as the Perspicaciously Leasing Advertisements Next to Every Shapiro building (PLANES) Committee, the Totally Re-examining and Investigating New Setbacks (TRAINS) Committee and the Appropriately Untimely Team of Organizers Mending Our Budget In a Less Evil Society (AUTOMOBILES) Committee, among many others.

As every faculty member now chairs at least one committee, the Seven Cs has turned to University staffers to fill these roles. “I’m honored to be the chair of the MOPEDS Committee,” Facilities Services worker Tito Puente gushed to the Justice.

“I never thought I’d have the opportunity to make academic decisions, but here I am!”

In a pathetically obvious attempt to outdo the administration, the Student

PHOTO ILLUSTRATION BY BEST BUY BLUMENTHAL/Turn On the Fun

WHO, ME?: What? Why are you looking at me? It’s totally normal to take a vacation to a mysterious place during a crisis. through government records and whose tuition and living expenses are being siphoned into a private account in Switzerland,” said Dean of Admissions Gil Villanueva, fingering a silver necklace. “Wait, what was the question?”

A statement released by Senior Vice President for Communications Lorna Miles advocated that “everyone just stay calm” and insisted that “there’s still plenty [of money] left to go around.”

Miles herself could not be reached for comment, as she was busy stuffing the ex-president’s secret stash

into her purse.

At a poorly attended emergency faculty meeting held earlier today, personnel discussed how to divvy up the remaining scraps of the University’s bank accounts and what to do with Reinharz if they ever catch up with him.

“I think we all ought to get equal shares of what’s left,” said Prof.

Ellen Wright (PSYC), the meeting’s only attendee. “That’s only fair.

Also, if I ever catch that scumwad, I’m going to make him wish he was born without nose hairs.”

The rest of the faculty reportedly

spent the time stripping the Brandeis campus of valuables.

“Hmm? A meeting?” said Prof.

David Powelstock (GRALL) as he helped himself to the copper wire from the walls of his office. “Put that recorder down for a second and give me a hand with this.”

“I’ve been wanting to do this for years,” said Prof. Thomas Doherty (AMST), struggling to affix the head of the Louis Brandeis statue outside the Shapiro Campus Center to the hood of his car.

Reinharz’s current whereabouts are unknown.

CAMPUS MEDIA

PR firm formulates re-education program ■ Classes include “Intro to

Newspeak” and a daily lecture by Joe Baerlein.

By PRINGLES KIRSCH ONCE YOU POP, THE FUN DON’T STOP

In an attempt to lure more applicants and pacify current students, the administration is partnering with public relations firm RaskyBaerlein Strategic Communications, Inc. to launch a Re-education University requirement, which includes a mandatory daily lecture given in Room 101 by Rasky-Baerlein president Joe Baerlein.

Other course offerings include ING1984: “Intro to Newspeak” and the writing-intensive D503: “Administrative Appreciation.”

PHOTO ILLUSTRATION BY BEST BUY BLUMENTHAL/Turn On the Fun

WE’RE WATCHING: Students listen to Rasky Baerlein’s new mandatory lecture.

Experiential learning internships will also become available in Thought Reform and Population Management.

In an interview with McJustice, Joe Baerlein said that the Re-education requirement is “intended to show students how they can reach their full potential for happiness.

These classes are intended to help

students integrate in the most harmonious way possible with the administrative vision for Brandeis University.”

The Re-education program has also established a 23-hour-per-day broadcast schedule on WBRS that includes “Jehuda Reinharz Hypnosis Hour” and “Easy Answers to Hard Questions, with the Office of

Communications.” WBRS’ Israeli folk music program will fill the only non-Re-education hour on WBRS. Programs have also been planned for BTV, with the Shiny Happy People Show as the main attraction.

Student reaction to the new program has been overwhelmingly positive. “We love it,” said Sam Lowry ’10, staring vacantly over this reporter’s shoulder. “Joe Baerlein is so wise. This whole Rose Art Museum situation seems much clearer now!”

However, some students still persist in their dissent. John Savage ’11 voiced his concern that the Re-education requirement is “frankly, a complete corruption of ethics and all the intellectual community holds sacred,” but he could not be found anywhere for further comment.

See CCCCCCC, A3 ☛

Cell phone power

Munchie mobile

Communication fail

■ Lower Usdan’s new signal

■ The popular snack wagon crashed last week, probably because everyone on and near it was high as fuck. There were no survivors.

■ The e-mail announcing the March 2 snow day finally arrives in student inboxes.

amplifier rockets Univ to No. 2 among sexy American schools.

FEATURES 25 For tips or info call Want to play rough?

Submit letters and nudes online at 1-800-HOT-TITS www.mcjusticeonline.com

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A2

WEDNESDAY, APRIL 1, 2009

●

MCJUSTICE

NEWS BRIEF

POLICE LOG

University hires Sarah Palin to be a professor for Russian Studies

Medical Emergency

The administration announced that Alaska Governor Sarah Palin will be teaching Russian studies as an adjunct faculty member beginning in the fall 2009 semester. The decision was made yesterday in light of the recent announcement that the University will only be able to hire one more person for fiscal 2010 due to budget constraints.

“We knew that with Palin’s foreign policy experience with Russia, she could offer first-hand knowledge to our students that would be invaluable,” University President Jehuda Reinharz said.

In a Sept. 2008 interview with CBS’ Katie Couric, Palin explained that Alaska’s proximity to Russia helped her gain foreign policy experience. “Alaska has a very narrow maritime border between a foreign country, Russia, and on our other side the land boundary that we have with Canada. As Putin rears his head and comes into the airspace of the United States of America, where do they go? Alaska. It is from Alaska that we send those out to make sure that an eye is being kept on this very powerful nation, Russia, because they are right there, they are right next to our state,” she said.

Palin has agreed to take a leave of absence from her term as governor. Her daughter Bristol will leave her newborn baby, Tripp, at home in Wasilla and will serve as governor indefinitely.

According to Vice President for Communications Lorna Miles, the other candidate considered for the position was Thomas R. Pickering, former United States Ambassador to Russia who served under the Clinton administration.

But in the end, the administration chose Palin because “her credentials were too impressive to pass up,” Miles said.

In a phone interview with McJustice, Palin explained, “Just as it was my responsibility to keep an eye on the Russians when I was in the great state of Alaska, I feel that it’s my duty now to teach these fine students here at Louis Brandeis College about our neighbors over there in Russia.”

With a series of winks (possibly twitches), Palin admitted: “I’ve always wanted to teach creationism, but [Joe Baerlein of Rasky Baerlein Strategic Communications, Inc., the University’s temporary public relations firm] told me that [Brandeis] had to cut that. What a shame. He told me not to mention that to anyone, but I think it’s important for students to know the kinds of sacrifices their leaders are making to protect this sacred institution. … And let me just say, I applaud that Jehuda down there in Bernstein-Marcus. He has been a maverick throughout the whole financial crisis plaguing this University, and I am proud to be working for a fellow maverick.”

Baerlein told McJustice that Palin’s salary would be comparable to any other adjunct faculty member but declined to comment further; however, Palin said that she will not be receiving a typical adjunct faculty salary but that “they agreed to cover the expenses of my wardrobe.”

Although Palin has not yet finalized her outline for the semester, she said students should expect a “coupl’a conference chat whoosamewhatsits with my pal Vlad Six Pack over there in Russia. …Ya know, I tried to have a phone conversation with Nick Sarkozy, but that didn’t turn out so great for me. But I’m hoping my new friends down at LTS can set something up for us,” she said.

“Also, too, ya see, I think we are gonna look at some great famous Russian paintings. I hear there’s some kind of flower museum nearby, so we can look at that too. I’m sure we’ll come across something Russian,” she said.

Apr. 1—A caller in Ziv Quad requested BEMCo for his roommate, whom he described as “in a weird situation.” University Police and BEMCo responded and found an unconscious, 20-yearold, nude male handcuffed to a bed with a raw eggplant protruding from his anus and a gas mask over his face. BEMCo removed the gas mask.

The patient was transported by ambulance to the Newton-Wellesley Hospital with the vegetable still lodged within him. The University Police officer called Sabatino’s Italian Kitchen and canceled his order for eggplant parmigiana.

Apr. 1—A 22 year-old male outside the Usdan Student Center complained of severe abdominal pain after drinking a quart-sized bottle of rocket fuel on an apparent dare from a friend. University

Police and BEMCo responded and began to treat the party on-scene.

During treatment, he became flatulent, igniting the fuel and propelling him into the air at high velocity. As of press time, he has not yet landed but was recently spotted over Pittsburgh.

Apr. 1—A caller in Massell Quad called BEMCo complaining of a paper cut on his finger.

BEMCo told the caller to quit complaining, put on a fucking BandAid and grow some balls.

Traffic Apr. 1—A tractor-trailer on South Street collided head-on with a ’DeisBikes bicycle at 40 miles per hour. One driver was critically injured and was rushed by ambulance to the NewtonWellesley Hospital, but the cyclist was wearing his helmet and was therefore unharmed.

Disturbance Apr. 1—University Police responded to complaints of an unknown male throwing eggs and toilet paper at the Shapiro Campus Center. Upon arrival, University Police found Director of Public Safety Ed Callahan laughing maniacally and egging the campus center. No police officer had the guts to arrest the suspect; however, they video-recorded the suspect and will show him the tape in the morning.

Apr. 1—Over 40 callers in the Village, Ziv Quad and Ridgewood Quad reported a large group of people in sequined bathrobes and glow-in-the-dark football helmets setting bonfires and sacrificing lambs in front of the Village. University Police checked the area and found nothing.

Theft Apr. 1—Carl J. Shapiro re-

McJustice

Main Line News Forum Features Sports Arts Ads Photos Managing

1-800-LOVE-GUN 1-800-HOT-LADY 1-800-FAT-TITS 1-800-BOB-SLED 1-800-KILL-MIKE 1-800-HOT-PRADA 1-800-BAD-CATS 1-800-TOUCH-ME 1-800-FUCK-YOU

KODAK AGIN-LIEBES/Share Moments, Share Life

New assignment The new office of Rose Art Museum Director Michael Rush awaits him.

The seemingly barren and depressing wooden box is actually an optical illusion. Inside, Rush will enjoy executive pool privileges and a pencil.

McJustice McDonalds Corporation 2111 Mcdonalds Dr Oak Brook, IL. 60523 E-mail: mcjustice@mcdonalds.com

—Confabulated by JetBlue Fromm

The Union Senate took four hours to reach quorum at last Sunday’s meeting because all senators had gone home for vacation except Ziv Quad Senator Andrew Brooks ’09, who was discovered sleeping in Function Room C of the Shapiro Campus Center clutching his gavel.

Executive Ziv Quad Senator Andrew Brooks warned that any remaining senators who did not arrive within the next hour would face the guillotine unless they could present unusual circumstances for their absence.

The Senate debated for 45 minutes regarding a Senate Money Resolution of $10 to fund a pillow for the Shapiro Campus Center pillow fight.

The Senate passed a Senate Money Resolution of $500,000 to help Democracy for America, Students for a Democratic Society, Brandeis Democrats and Brandeis Republicans bring former President George W. Bush, Ann Coulter, Fidel Castro and Hugo Chavez to campus.

The Senate held a five-hour executive session to discuss how to improve the Union’s image among students.

The Senate chartered the Club for the Promotion of the British Accent, proposed by Castle Senator Nathan Robinson ’11, who explained that the club would promote the British accent through lessons and performance.

Foster Mods Senator Sven Dorfson ’09 walked in 90 minutes late and was directed to the guillotine in the Union Office.

The Senate passed a resolution 10-8 in support of having interesting classes. Senators argued over the definitions of “interesting” and “classes.”

Senior Acting Vice President Chief Executive Ziv Quad Senator Andrew Brooks reported that former disgraced Union Secretary Michael Goldman ’08 said the Senate had been ignoring a 2004 change to the Union Constitution, an issue that retroactively makes all Senate decisions of the past five years null and void. In response, Brooks appointed himself president for life of the Student Union, the Union Senate, the Executive Board and Ziv Quad, reappointed Goldman as secretary and declared a state of emergency.

—Sprite Neubauer

HOROSCOPES ARIES (March 21 to April 19) A lovers spat

after next Tuesday, it won’t matter anyhow.

in your near future will leave both sides raw. Apply some Bengay and consult a doctor immediately.

VIRGO (August 23 to September 22) Your

TAURUS (April 20 to May 20) Miraculously,

McJustice is proud to bring you the most innacurate and mentally damaging news on the planet. We understand that you have a choice when it comes to your weekly intake of malnourished garbage and we thank you for choosing McJustice. Our Editor in Chief holds office hours from 3:30 to 4:30 p.m. every Thursday. We strongly advise that you knock before entering. He is a compulsive and furious masturbator.

Apr. 1—A party in Ziv Quad reported noticing a Tyrannosaurus rex approximately 40 feet long in South Residence Lot. University Police and the Waltham Police Department’s Animal Control Unit responded and found the Cretaceous carnivore chewing on cars and knocking over street signs.

University Police asked the dinosaur to leave campus, and it complied without incident.

Apr. 1—Pachanga. Enough said.

Brooks declares himself king of Student Union

DECLARATIONS AND OBFUSCATIONS

The Justice is always right. You’re an ass for even thinking you can send us a correction.

Miscellaneous

SENATE LOG

—Peeps Wagner

Article after article in the January 27, February 3, February 10, February 24, March 3, March 10, March 17 and March 24 issues incorrectly stated that the University will be closing the Rose Art Museum and selling off pieces in the collection to raise funds. In fact, the Rose Art Museum will not be closing, and the University will only sell art if absolutely necessary.

The Rose is closing.

No, it’s not.

Yes, it is.

Fuck you. They’re closing it.

No, dude. They aren’t.

Whatever. Let’s just get and high and go to Ollie’s. I want waffles.

ported seeing an older, Jewishlooking gentleman driving away with a large safe containing most of Shapiro’s money protruding from the trunk. University Police found him, and he immediately pled guilty without questioning.

next Friday’s events will somehow dissolve your lifelong mental block for sign language. Unfortunately, they’ll also dissolve your hands.

GEMINI (May 21 to June 20) The only thing keeping you out of prison right now is the fact that your dad is the local police chief.

Given your overwhelming desire to be locked away forever and your shotgun collection, your solution ought to be obvious.

CANCER (June 21 to July 22) Your babies will be hideous mutants.

LEO (July 23 to August 22) Your life was the gods’ idea of a practical joke. The reason they chose to tell you this now is that

plan to “take care of” all the witnesses will be rendered a bit more complex next Wednesday when you discover that the weekend’s events were accidentally broadcast over public-access television.

cover that the people you’ve been passing out cigars to are Freudian scholars.

CAPRICORN (December 22 to January 19) Turns out you’re a distant relative of Rembrandt. The art community will continue to pretend this isn’t true.

AQUARIUS (January 20 to February 18) LIBRA (September 23 to October 22) While it’s true that everyone has his or her own little nasty habits, yours are the only ones to may spur the stars themselves to commit suicide. Congratulations, you sicko. You just destroyed the Andromeda galaxy.

SCORPIO (October 23 to November 21) Years of stealth and marksmanship training will finally pay off at this weekend’s puppy pageant.

SAGITTARIUS (November 22 to December 21) Humiliation will be yours next week with the birth of your son, when you dis-

However much you hate to concede that your spouse was right about living next to a nuclear cesspool, you might want to get that 12th toe checked out.

PISCES (February 19 to March 20) Just to be on the safe side, you might want to check if your local paper puts out a Braille edition.

BORN THIS WEEK: You’ll get no satisfaction from being proven right after all those years of insistence. Like you kept telling everyone, those men in white aren’t very nice people.

MCJUSTICE

●

WEDNESDAY, APRIL 1, 2009

A3

ADMISSIONS

JUSTICE BRANDEIS SEMESTER

Refugee camp to house Class of ’13

Servitude track now part of JBS

■ The new camp, known as

“East Bank,” will allow the University to admit more students to future classes.

By STAPLES BUECHLER THAT WAS EASY

In order to accommodate the supersized Class of 2013, the Department of Residence Life has announced initial plans for a makeshift refugee camp on Chapels Field to be completed by the fall semester of the 2010 to 2011 academic year.

In an interview with Mc Justice, Ashley Skipwith, current Community Development Coordinator for the Castle and Rosenthal Quad, who was tapped by ResLife to oversee the creation and implementation of the refugee camp, refused to comment on the grammatically incorrect nature of the preposition in her surname, although she did agree to supply information regarding the camp.

According to Skipwith, “[The refugee camp] will operate as an extension of the Rosenthal Quad. And due to its location on the eastern side of Loop Road relative to Rosenthal proper, the refugee camp will be known as East Bank.”

East Bank will consist of groups of makeshift tents in disorganized circles. Students that live in East Bank will be provided with used sheets and broken tree branches upon their arrival. “The rest is up to them,” Skipwith said. “We expect them to try and organize their living conditions at first, although whatever plans they come up with will likely deteriorate into chaos soon afterward.”

Since there will not be plumbing or meal plans available to students living in East Bank, the University will supply regular deliveries of “all necessary humanitarian supplies,” Skipwith said.

Students will be selected to live in East Bank based on certain criteria.

Skipwith said, “For example, if a student had tried to attend any non-Jewish-sponsored colleges in the Northeast but were forced to attend Brandeis due to rejection from such schools, he or she would likely be selected to live in East Bank.”

Co-director of ResLife Jeremy Leiferman told Mc Justice that there are already concerns regarding the potential behavior and compliance of students dwelling in East Bank tents.

“They might become a rebellious bunch of kids,” Leiferman said.

“Should the need arise, we are prepared to construct a barrier of some

■ The new “Indentured

Internship” program will be offered to all JBS students.

By JCPENNEY BLADY IT’S ALL INSIDE

KODAK AGIN-LIEBES/Share Moments, Share Life

DESPERATION: Chapels Field is the new living location for the Class of 2013. sort to ensure that students living in Rosenthal proper are not disturbed by the students of East Bank.”

Leiferman said, “Some of these [East Bank] students will have hopes of attaining better living situations in the future. They really shouldn’t.”

The University already secured a one-month contract with yet another public relations firm, Yes, We’re Serious, Inc., to handle any public backlash as a result of the purposeful construction of a refugee camp on the University campus.

In an e-mail to Mc Justice, University President Jehuda Reinharz wrote that the University would use money from the “Look: We Cut Our Own Salaries Fund” in order to pay for the contract. Reinharz added that, “We were going to get another two-month contract like the one we procured in response to the Rose fiasco, but we realized that the anger from a Brandeis refugee camp will be a walk in the park compared to the anger in response to all that Rose stuff—so one month should be sufficient.”

STUDENT UNION

Jason Gray to run for University president ■ The former Student Union

president received support from the Board of Trustees, who were tired of Jehuda Reinharz’s passive tenure.

By SPRITE NEUBAUER OBEY YOUR THIRST

In a revelation that shocked Student Union insiders, current Union President Jason Gray ’10 announced that he is hoping to unseat Jehuda Reinharz as University president starting next semester.

Gray made his announcement at last week’s Board of Trustees meeting.

It received applause from the Board members assembled in the BernsteinMarcus trophy room, all of whom were tired of the Reinharz administration.

A trustee who spoke on condition of anonymity called Gray “the solution to our financial problems.” He went on to say that “Every time we tried to talk about the Rose with Jehuda, he’d just stare into space and pick his nose.”

Gray explained his motivation in an exclusive interview with Mc Justice.

“The focus of this University should be on the students and ensuring that students’ needs are met and their voices heard,” Gray said. “And so, I feel we need to take the next step so that students are in the highest position of power and can have the last word on the important decisions that affect them.”

The announcement came as a shocking revelation to Union members, vexed in the past week by Gray’s startling announcement not to run for re-election to the Union presidency.

“I couldn’t believe he wasn’t going to run again. I was in tears,” Union Director of Executive Affairs Jess Blumberg ’09 said, in tears. “Jason was the best president ever.”

Gray said he formulated his while working on organizing open forums with Reinharz and other senior administrators to inform students about the financial crisis.

“It was just very frustrating, having to convince them to present every week,” Gray said. “So it seemed to me that the process would be more efficient if we could cut out the middlemen and I could hold those briefings and offer straight talk with my sunny disposition to reassure students, faculty, donors, trustees and alumni that I see a ray of bright light at the end of the tunnel,” he explained. “For some reason, they don’t seem to believe Jehuda when he says that Brandeis is not falling apart.”

He pointed to several Union achievements that he said prepared him for the University’s highest office.

A new opportunity for experiential learning is now available as part of the Justice Brandeis Semester. According to Dean of Arts and Sciences Adam Jaffe, the proposed “indentured internship” program under consideration has the potential to provide students with a “once-in-a-lifetime experience.” Students partaking in the program will be made to understand the essence of performing various unskilled labor tasks for minimal benefits in a third-world country.

“There is no program like this out there,” Jaffe elaborated. “Slavery is a fundamental part of our history; in fact, it’s going on right now, and it cannot be ignored. Only by sending our students out there to encourage the outsourcing that abounds in today’s world can the true nature of our global economy be understood.”

For these reasons, Jaffe said, preference will be given to History and Economics majors who choose to apply for this unique encounter. The program will be very selective, so prospective applicants are encouraged to inquire early for placement in their desired third-world countries.

History major Chuck M. Dukayshun ’11, one student looking to participate in an indentured internship program, said to Mc Justice: “Personally, I’m not too keen on paying a semester’s worth of tuition to work in a ditch or whatever. I feel like if I’m putting 20 grand toward experiential learning, I might as well take a luxury cruise ship from Spain to America and claim I’m re-experiencing Christopher Columbus for the semester.”

The History department insists that students apply regardless of their personal views on the matter. In an e-mail to Mc Justice, Prof. Apa Thetick (HIST) said, “We rarely have the chance to make a textbook page come to life.

Most students here have never been slaves and would never choose to be if this program were not readily available.”

Thetick continued, “In my research, I traveled to Mauritania, where 20 percent of the population is enslaved. I consider myself fortunate to have been able to witness the demographic there and come out alive and well, with a case of HIV as my only souvenir.”

Thetick is convinced that actually being enslaved in places like Mauritania would give students a comparably fulfilling experience.

CCCCCCC: New committee will make committees CONTINUED FROM A1

QUIZNOS MATZA/Mmmm ... Toasty

I AM THE NEW LAW: Jason Gray ’10 is surprised as he announces his plan to replace Jehuda Reinharz as University president.

“Who needs [public relations firm] Rasky Baerlein Strategic Communications when we have the Senate Outreach Committee and the Stall Street Journal?”

Reinharz said he was “floored” by Gray’s accomplishments at the Board of Trustees meeting. “Like I’ve said earlier, I screwed up,” he said. “Gray is just superhuman. I don’t think he is capable of error. I bow to his evidently superior management skills.”

He went on to say that his office had distributed a poll to the Brandeis community, asking: “Hypothetically, whom would you prefer as the presi-

dent of an unnamed New England Jewish-sponsored secular university—an individual who created bad publicity for that institution all over the globe or an individual who singlehandedly rescued some defenseless students from the campus police?”

Reinharz said the latter choice received an approval rating of 78.2 percent. “Maybe it’s time for me to move on,” he conceded.

Gray said one of his first orders of business would be to have the Union’s Committee on Endowment Ethics and Responsibility take over management of Brandeis investments. He explained

that the Union’s mostly successful management of the Student Activities Fee proved that the students were qualified to handle the funds. “If we can handle $1.2 million, we can also handle the $480 million endowment,” he said confidently.

Gray added that the Union Executive Board would take on key positions in the new University administration.

“Jason communicates good (sic) with students,” according to an e-mail from Union Director of Communications Jamie Ansorge ’09, who will become the University’s new public relations expert.

Union has formed over 600 of its own committees, most of which have names including the words social justice. According to Grand Royal Senator Andrew Brooks ’09, “Our committees are better. The Social Justice Committee Advocating Social Justice in a Socially Just Community of Social Justice says ‘social justice’ in the name three times, four if you count ‘socially just.’”

Union Overlord Jason Gray ’10 told Mc Justice, “We want every student to be able to join a committee advocating social justice by the end of the semester. Everyone should be able to be a part of the Union and join in our attempt to brainwash the community with meaningless terms like ‘social justice.’ Can you not put that last part in the paper, please?”

Said Krauss of the CCCCCCC project: “We expect this initiative to successfully bring this University back to where it was before all that bullcrap with the Rose Art Museum started. If not, we can always form a committee to dissolve all the others.”

A4

WEDNESDAY, APRIL 1, 2009

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MCJUSTICE

The Rose Code Map of Rauschenberg’s “Second Time Painting”

2

Here we can see the letter “E” rotated counterclockwise. This symbolizes not only Einstein’s name but also the wrong that was done to him by the council.

The letters here appear to be “uo.” However, when inverted, reversed and placed under an electron microscope, the full text is revealed: “Let’s get it on.”

5

This large splotch of heinous beige was originally a mistake, but Rauschenberg kept it when Einstein expressed his love for the imperfection.

1

3 4

These distinctive drip patterns were not originally intended to be part of the painting; rather, this paint was spilled when Rauschenberg and Einstein made love on top of the original canvas.

This clock represents not only Einstein’s research into relativity, but is frozen at the exact time at which Einstein and Rauschenberg first kissed.

PHOTO ILLUSTRATION BY BEST BUY BLUMENTHAL/Turn On the Fun

Is the University closing the Rose to protect a dark secret?

By BUD LIGHT SNYDER THE DIFFERENCE IS DRINKABILITY

The January announcement of the closing of the Rose Art Museum was a shock to all—not just because it marked a serious drop in school values, but because it seemed like such a long haul for a short slide. Was the potential for some miniscule profit really worth the ongoing storm of bad press? There had to be another reason behind the Board of Trustees’ decision: This reporter sure thought so. Being somewhat conspiratorially minded, I never bought into the story and decided to do some digging.

What I found will shake this institution to its very core. Follow me, readers, into the dark corners of our history. Read at your own risk.

My early searches through the archives turned up nothing. All the documents pertaining to the school’s history were either redacted or locked up entirely. I was ready to give up and go to bed when I got an anonymous call from a blocked number. Before I could even ask who was calling, a distorted voice told me, “Don’t stop. Check Wikipedia, you fucking idiot,” and hung up.

Evidently, my attempts to access the archives had triggered some sort of alarm. I resolved to carry on.

A quick scan of Brandeis’ Wikipedia page the next day revealed some startling truths, the roots of which would turn out to be a much larger conspiracy. It turns out that the University did not, in fact, spring fully formed from Justice Brandeis’ brow on the sunset of the new Jewish year in 1948. Rather, the school’s origins can be traced back two years earlier to 1946, to the minds of George Alpert; C. Ruggles Smith, the notorious bare-knuckle boxing champion; Abraham L. Sachar, whose affinity for acid trips led to his name gracing our beloved woods; and one Rabbi Israel Goldstein, a respected and renowned Elder of Zion. The goal of this elite

council: a fortress of Judaism in the United States, one that would spread its influence and lay the foundations of a new Jewish empire in North America. With all the elements in place, only one man stood in their way: the final member of the council, Albert Einstein.

At the time, Einstein was at the height of his career, having already delivered many crushing blows to the realm of theoretical physics and made significant contributions to the weapon that ended the Second World War, the atomic bomb. Arguably the most prominent Jew of his era, his participation in the founding of a Jewish university was expected, if not required. Indeed, most major news outlets cited Einstein’s participation as a defining feature of the event.

But in 1947, something strange happens in the archives. All mention of Einstein and his participation in the project suddenly ceases.

Suspicious, I decided to track down an old press veteran.

In his Brooklyn retirement home, Harry Von Bulow, a staff reporter on The New York Times from 1934 to 1955, described his experience with the Einstein story. “The Einstein story was hot potatoes. We had our hippest cats all over that beat. I mean, here you have arguably the greatest mind of the century about to open up a hot-tootin’ university, right here on good old red, white and blue soil. This was hotter than Hoover in a dress. We were all over it,” Von Bulow said.

“Then, one day, these chunky, bearded fellas practically kick the door down. They were wearing long, black coats and furry hats, and they had these curly things coming off the sides of their heads. They stormed into the main newsroom and just started bustin’ melons right there.

No one got out scot free. I remember they broke my secretary’s legs, told her she couldn’t cook a roast if the good lord himself showed her how to

do it. I had several fingers and a collarbone shattered like toothpicks.

They told us to drop the Einstein story like bad casserole. Said anyone who so much as went near it was going to get burned something fierce.

We wanted the story for sure, but not that bad, so we let it go. The top brass never brought it up again.”

Several other reporters I spoke to told similar stories. It seems like someone, a very Jewish someone, tried to play down Einstein’s role in the gig. Not long after this slew of press beatings, Einstein withdrew from the project. The New York Times article, the last one to reference Einstein, cited “differences on matters of public relations” as the motivation behind the breakup.

Putting two and two together, one can’t help but wonder just how much control the Jews really had over the American press.

I knew I had to break through to the inner circle if I was going to get to the bottom of this. The original members of the council were all dead, so there was no hope there. I tried to track down some of their inside people, aides, secretaries and accountants, but they had all been aboard the same cruise ship when it mysteriously exploded off the southern French coast in 1954. Fortunately, one of Ruggles’ luggage carriers, Ted Finkle, had been sick that week and avoided the catastrophe. I tracked him down during his final days in a hospice in Weldon, Okla., where he told me about the decision to oust Einstein and bring in Brandeis.

“Einstein was never really onboard with the whole thing. He would sit there in meetings and twiddle his thumbs or write crazy numbers all over people’s shit. It drove everyone nuts. The conflict was pretty obvious. Here’s this man whose discoveries were dismantling the very notion of religion, Judaism included, and they wanted him to front an operation that was essentially going to try to create a holy

empire. It was doomed from the start,” said Finkle. “I remember the night they had their big falling out.

Einstein called them all tyrants and stormed out of the room. [Ruggles] came out after him. He was crying.

That was an awkward ride home, let me tell you.”

I asked how and when Brandeis came into the picture. “After Einstein was out, the council needed a new front man. They approached Brandeis, who had gained some marginal novelty fame as a Jewish Supreme Court justice. They approached him maybe a week after Einstein was out and he jumped at the opportunity. I think he was fed up trying to make it big in “their” system with the goyim, the “white trash,” he called them. He saw in the council a chance to get back in with the right people, to make it big the old way, the ancient way. Once Brandeis was in, he was their golden boy. He and the council, they partied hard together. They’d go out to one of those kosher delis, you know, the ones that make their own pickles, and just party it up all night. They’d rack up something like a $30 tab.

From then on he was the front man, no questions asked. Some people even think he was running the show towards the end.”

It all fit. But where did the Rose come into the picture? No one I talked to knew anything about it.

They had swallowed the school’s story just like everyone else. With the archives still locked, I was ready to give up when I received another tip. Returning home from my visit to Oklahoma, I found an unmarked manila envelope slipped under my door. The front read, “Don’t give up.”

My mystery benefactor at work again.

Peering inside the envelope, I could see it was full of old photographs. A closer look, and I almost retched out my innards at the sight of the raunchiest man-on-man pornography I’d ever laid eyes upon.

After the shock wore off, intrigued, I took another look. What I saw shook me: It was Einstein, his limbs entwined with a young man’s. I couldn’t make out his partner’s face, but I did recognize the painting they were fornicating on: “Second Time Painting.” That’s when it clicked: Rauschenberg. Robert Rauschenberg was the link.

Up until that point, one question had been nagging me. Why hadn’t Einstein spilled the beans on the council’s plans? The council was too smart to just let Einstein walk away knowing what he knew. They needed an insurance policy, and they found it in Einstein’s young lover, Rauschenberg. The council must have threatened to either kill Rauschenberg or publicly expose his sexuality. Seeking to preserve the truth, Rauschenberg encoded the truth in his painting [see map, above], which he practically gave away to Sam Hunter, the original director of the Rose Art Museum in 1961. Knowing full well the secret hidden in the painting, each Rose director has in turn taken up the mantle as guardian of the truth. That was, until Michael Rush.

Knowing that Rush’s past as a Jesuit priest might lead him to spill the beans on the school’s origins as a Jewish conspiracy, those in charge decided that he would not be made a guardian. But when Rush stumbled upon the painting and its meaning, Reinharz and the board had no choice but to destroy the evidence by closing the Rose.

All this leads me to believe that my benefactor was none other than Michael Rush himself. Who else knew where to look up the school’s history? Who else would know I was snooping in the archives? Who else would have pictures of Albert Einstein and Robert Rauschenberg doing the nasty?

One can only speculate, but this reporter is content to let this, and only this, remain a secret forever.

MCJUSTICE

●

WEDNESDAY, APRIL 1, 2009

A5

JuicyCampus is not dead!

Lola Siegel ’11 won’t stop her act

By MARLBORO HERZFELD COME TO WHERE THE FLAVOR IS

Some people were put off by the recent shutdown of notorious gossip Web site JuicyCampus, but not Lola Siegel ’11. This spunky sophomore has been enthusiastically continuing the site’s tradition of bottom-dredging, career-destroying chitchat that exploits the ugliest corners of humanity since the February dissolution of the online forum.

The chipper Siegel makes up for her diminutive stature—barely five feet—with mountains of pluck. Says Siegel: “I just thought, ‘Why let little things like the Web site’s shutdown, numerous defamation, harassment and assault lawsuits against the site and personal moral integrity get in the way? Why not just do what I like?’”

Why not, indeed.

Siegel’s day begins with a brisk run and a shower. After that, it’s off to Sherman Dining Hall for breakfast. I meet her in a kosher-side booth.

It’s only 8:30, but she’s effervescent as ever, busily supergluing today’s laminated SlutScope flyers to the surrounding tables.

“I just can’t stand sitting still,” she explains, wiping the superglue from her bubblegum-pink fingernails.

“Sometimes you just have to get up and get out, you know? God, it’s so exciting.”

She shows me her megaphone. It’s a sleek, red and black 25-watt AmpliVox from Radio Shack, which is apparently still in business. “In ideal conditions, I can project my voice over a mile with this baby,” says Siegel, stroking the device lovingly.

“So much better than my old 10-watter. This one can pop fake boobs at eight feet! I never leave my room without it.”

“Watch,” she says, winking playfully.

“THAT BOY EATS BACON!” she blasts at a horrified first-year Jew,

who freezes and drops his tray as the girl he was with walks away and pretends she’s here with someone else.

“I don’t usually make stuff up like that,” says Siegel, turning back to her breakfast, a hearty mound of eggs, potatoes, yogurt and smoked fish. “But that was just to demonstrate, so it doesn’t count.”

Aside from the megaphone and various flyers, the cheeky tattletale’s methods include Sharpie markers (“mostly for dorm halls and drunken jocks,” she explains), spray paint (“for the same”), phone calls to parents and loved ones, Facebook spam and, on one memorable occasion, skywriting.

“Oh yeah—skywriting,” she says, laughing at the memory as we walk toward Usdan, where Siegel and I will be stuffing mailboxes. “It was expensive, but it was so worth it. I mean, the kid was totally fat!”

Most of Siegel’s funds come from her grandmother, Marlene Siegel.

“I’m so proud of my little Lola,” Marlene said in a phone interview. “She’s sure showing those godless sluts what-for!”

Even professors aren’t safe from the petite mischief-maker. “If a certain neuroscience professor thinks he can get away with adultery in the broom closet, he’s got another think coming,” Siegel says. “Wait until he sees his car! Or what’s left of it, anyway, after his wife finishes. And last week I caught [Prof. Mark] Feeney (AMST) at a Narcotics Anonymous meeting! Isn’t that great?”

“Sometimes it’s hard to find time for it all,” Siegel confesses, passing color photos of André Bennos’ ’09 botched penile enhancement surgery to the girl he’s chatting up. “But then I remind myself of all the people who are counting on me out there and how disappointed they’d be if I failed them, and I’m right back on my feet.”

“Lola’s a great gal,” said Jen Kessler ’11, head of the unofficial Brandeis cheerleading team and best friend and roommate to Siegel.

“We’ve had some rough patches— like the time that creep drank all that toilet-cleaning fluid and his parents tried to sue—but it’ll take a lot more than that to break up this team.”

Kessler paused to fix her makeup, snort a quick line of blow and vomit up her lunch in the sink. “You know that megaphone she’s always carrying? I once caught her masturbating with it.”

“Yeah, she’s a great gal,” echoed Shlomo Pollack ’12, Siegel’s gaunt, jittery boyfriend of six months. “Um,” he said, looking over his shoulder. “A real great gal.”

Surprisingly, though, not everyone finds Siegel’s shenanigans as delightful as Kessler and Pollack.

“Oh, her,” said Yossi Brodsky, a former early childhood educator at the Lemberg Children’s Center whose videos are freely downloadable from Siegel’s blog, JuicyDeis.com. “I don’t like her very much. How she got that footage I’ll never know. There was this one time I was really drunk, see, and we had this mule—wait, is that a voice recorder?”

“Siegel?” said a junior who asked not to be named whose initials are F.Z. and who lives in the Village A house. “That psychobitch dug up the report of my abortion last year and plastered it all over my hall. I had to explain it to everyone, including my boyfriend at the time, who, it turns out, would have wanted to keep the baby after all. I was so embarrassed!”

Siegel and I spend the afternoon tracing Brandeis’ latest herpes outbreak. “It’s hard work, but the rewards are totally worth it,” says Siegel, rooting through the dumpsters outside the Mods. “I mean, how else am I going to distract myself from the deep, aching void inside me that will forever keep me from true happiness and boost my crippled self esteem with an undeserved feeling of superiority at the same time? Totally worth it.” Siegel pauses reflectively.

“God, I’m so lonely.”

KODAK AGIN-LIEBES/Share Moments, Share Life

‘YOUR MOTHER’S A WHORE!’: McJustice catches Lola Siegel ’11 in action as she terrorizes Brandeis students from the top of the Shapiro Campus Center. Siegel is continuing to gossip out loud even though JuicyCampus shut down in February.

Q&A

One ‘fine’ evening with Mr. William C. Ayers The controversial figure dispenses wisdom, death threats Much to the dismay of our students, famed radical elementary school teacher, or whatever, William C. Ayers’ much-hyped campus visit had to be postponed after he called in a bomb threat to his own event, sending security costs through the roof.

At the time, Ayers told reporters that the trip was “just too fucking far” and “a big fucking pain in the ass.”

So, in lieu of his presence on campus, this reporter traveled to Chicago, the mugging capital of the world, to Ayers’ flamingo timeshare/cave combo to bring you this shocking taped interview.

JustSluts: Mr. Ayers, first let me thank you for— Bill Ayers: Shut the fuck up. I ask the questions, you little shit. It’s crazy time now. How’d you find me?

JS: You’re listed, sir. We talked on the phone. You told me to bring you a sandwich. Tuna on rye. No bones.

BA: No shit?

[Some minutes of silence] BA: This sucks. Ask me something.

JS: Well, Mr. Ayers—can I call you

Bill?

BA: What? Why? Fuck you. No. JS: Sorry. Let’s just do the questions. Your name became something of a buzzword this year. How do you feel about your connection to President Barack Obama and the subsequent controversy? What was it like having your career and notoriety revived by such a tenuous relationship?

BA: Man, let me tell you something. I don’t even know that guy. I voted for myself across the board. He stood next to me at a coat check or some shit, or I tried to mug his mother in the ladies’ room. I don’t know. It just goes to show, everyone, fuckin’ everyone, wants a piece of this.

[Ayers pulls out a tuft of his hair and hands it to me] JS: Let’s talk a little bit about what you do now with education reform.

What kind do you see as the biggest obstacle to modern American education?

BA: Math. That shit’s hard, dude.

JS: Interesting.

GERALD HERBERT/The Associated Press

GET OUT OF MY HOUSE: Bill Ayers points to reporter Bud Light Snyder, off screen, motioning for Snyder to leave the room after Snyder’s exclusive interview.

BA: I’m just saying, fuck arithmetic. When society collapses—and mark my words, kiddo, that WILL happen—how’s arithmetic gonna help you when some mutant meth head is trying to steal your supplies and your women? I teach straight-up

survival in my class room. Fuckin’ Defend What Is Yours 101.

JS: Any complaints from the parents?

BA: Show me a parent that’s going to complain about a five-year-old that can hunt and kill without mercy, and

I’ll show you a total pussy.

JS: Your former radical-left group, the Weather Underground, was reported as deliberately avoiding civilian casualties in the course of your bombing activities. That seems pretty “merciful” to me.

BA: Yeah. I tell you what, we got pretty lucky there. We probably would’ve gotten in a lot more trouble if we’d killed someone. But fuck it. I don’t know. I’m not a lawyer or whatever. I mean, I’m going to be honest with you—which I can do because I’m probably going to murder the shit out of you when this is over—I joined up for one reason. The Weather Underground had wicked T-shirts. Back then, these extreme groups were like frats. Elite stuff. Skull and Bonestype shit. Besides us there was the Red Family, the White Panthers, the Motherfuckers. But if you were flying the Weathermen’s colors, you’d get laid like that.

[Sounds of fingers snapping and excessive drooling] BA: Fuck. The things we do for bitches, right, little bro? It starts with the drugs and the cool clothes, and it ends in debatable acts of terrorism.

JS: Fascinating. Quick question.

What’s the C in your name stand for?

BA: It’s a hard C. Stands for Cill.

JS: Oh. BA: Listen, dude. I’m gonna go “terrorize” my toilet for a bit. Consider that your head start.

—Bud Light Snyder

A6

●

WEDNESDAY, APRIL 1, 2009

MCJUSTICE

Mc

Justice Established 1949

Brandeis University

Editor’s Note: The Justice has auctioned off its editorial positions to the highest bidders.

Not that that matters; we were never really independent anyway.

MCD ONALD’S PRADA, I’m Lovin’ It L’ORÉAL FINEMAN, Because You’re Worth It PRINGLES KIRSCH, Once You Pop, The Fun Don’t Stop MARLBORO HERZFELD, Come to Where the Flavor Is AT&T LEBOWITZ, Your World. Delivered DUNKIN’ SHEPPARD -B RICK, America Runs on Dunkin’ B UD LIGHT SNYDER, The Difference is Drinkability PEEPS WAGNER, Always in Season B OUNTY RAHMAN, The Quilted Quicker Picker-upper CHEVY KLEIN, An American Revolution JCPENNEY B LADY, It’s All Inside NIKE CUTLER, Just Do It PETCO ROOT, Where the Pets Go KODAK AGIN -LIEBES, Share Moments, Share Life QUIZNOS MATZA, Mmmm ... Toasty B EST B UY B LUMENTHAL, Turn On the Fun JETB LUE FROMM, Happy Jetting APPLE B REEN, Think Different SNICKERS ROBINSON, Hungry? Why Wait STAPLES B UECHLER, That Was Easy SPRITE NEUBAUER, Obey Your Thirst WAL-MART GANDELMAN, Save Money, Live Better KFC KRAUS, Finger Lickin’ Good GATORADE PANG, Is It In You?

ShamWow for graduation This past week, the University voted to bring in for this year’s commencement speaker none other than celebrated cleaning product spokesman Vince “From ShamWow!” Offer, crushing the only other candidate, Billy Mays of OxiClean fame.

Mays, undeterred, has vowed to attend graduation anyway and will speak to anyone within earshot of his voice, which is pretty much everyone, anywhere.

In recent months, Mays has waged a publicity war against Offer, claiming that the ShamWow is in fact a carbon copy of one of Mays’ products, Zorbeez.

Mays has challenged Offer to a “selloff,” calling him “a pop-eyed motherfucker who couldn’t sell water to a man on fire.” Vince offered a retort in the press, claiming Mays was “a relic of times past soon to be discarded like cosmic dust upon the waves of time and space.”

Yet in spite of the controversy, this editorial board wholeheartedly endorses Vince’s visit. What’s that, you say? You want someone representative of Brandeis’ so-called social values? You want someone relevant to world events? This editorial board says, “Fuck you!” Can your precious social values soak up a whole liter of spilled cola? What’s that? No? Sit the fuck down.

These are desperate times, and graduating students are going to need more than some pathetic speech on the naïve and unattainable ideals of justice if they’re going to survive on the

Get in on this deal! streets.

You’re going to need one thing and one thing only: a sales pitch. Whether you’re selling your body on the corner or trying to persuade the manager at your local Dunkin Donuts franchise to let you keep and re-sell bags of expired doughnuts, you’re going to need some good, old-fashioned sales acumen.

Still not convinced? Just look at his name. Vince, as in “conVINCE,” and his given last name, Offer, as in “offer you my body for money.” This man is a born salesman.

He’s no one-trick pony, either. Vince has also successfully hawked the Slap Chop, a man-powered food processor, and successfully marketed his own self-financed comedy film on late-night TV commercials. That all three of these products attached to his name are atrocious pieces of useless shit speaks even more to his skill as a salesman.

Trust us, we need this man. Here.

Now.You’re going to spend 20K on some fat old fart of a graduation speaker anyway.

Stop throwing your money away!

For the price of just one graduation speaker, we get Vince AND a month’s supply of ShamWow! Plus, we know the school’s wavering on this one, so we’re going to push a little here—for only another $2,000, Vince will throw in a free demonstration on how to suck mildew out of your carpet using only your Brandeis degree!

Nice job on nuclear program The Justice congratulates the University on its decision to initiate a nuclear program underneath the Rabb steps. Not only will this usher the University into the 21st century in style; it will also solve the University’s energy problems for years to come and make us the envy of other Boston-area schools.

(Incidentally, we’d like to humbly remind the University of all the nice things we’ve said about it in the past.)

The fledgling nuclear program will grant the University an international prestige that no piddling art museum could ever have achieved. Also, the power to utterly annihilate the University’s enemies in a sudden, terrible eruption of nuclear hell is certainly nothing to sneeze at.

(Before we forget, we should also remark that all those times this editorial board criticized the University in the past were in good humor and shouldn’t have been taken personally. We didn’t know what we were saying, and those responsible have been dealt with most unforgivingly.)

The money generated by selling excess energy can potentially solve the school’s budget programs. If those responsible for the program want to

Please don’t bomb us siphon off some of this revenue, we at the Justice see no reason why they should hold back. They deserve it, after all.

(Just remember—you heard it first from the Justice.)

The new jobs created by the nuclear program will be a boon to the Waltham and international nuclear physics communities alike.

We applaud this display of model social consciousness, especially in these hard times.

(The Justice would like it to be known that we’ll be glad to do anything we can—anything—to help the University out with its latest initiative.)

Finally, we add that the giant cooling towers that will soon replace Sachar Woods will only enhance the natural beauty of our already picturesque landscape.

(Also, if the University were hypothetically looking for some way to calibrate its newfound ability to nuke the living shit out of something, we respectfully point out that those Harvard bastards have been getting awfully cocky recently.)

BUD LIGHT SNYDER/The Difference is Drinkability

‘Prose’ for our Rose

POP-BOX

By JC PENNEY BLADY

Quote of the Week

IT’S ALL INSIDE

A poem about the Rose.

Once upon a time of great financial woes, Some trusty administrators had an idea to propose.

One fateful winter night, before all went to doze, We got an “Important Message Regarding the Rose.”

Panic struck, people talked and Fine Arts majors froze, For the message said that it was time for the Rose to close.

But one P.R. firm hire later, no one really knows: Sell the art or the museum? The confusion grows and grows.

So instead of throwing tantrums like the Art department throws, We make up variations of the words “Rose” and “close,” ’Cause it’s getting kind of tough not to rhyme our prose, But does it matter? At this point, anything goes.

And all this poem has to say is that this blows.

“Show me a parent that’s going to complain about a five-year old that can hunt and kill without mercy, and I’ll show you a total pussy.”

—Bill Ayers, discussing the classes he teaches. See story, page A5.

Brandeis Talks Back What new committee did you sign up to chair?

Top 10 uses for Linsey Pool

By THE McJUSTICE EDITORIAL BOARD WE AREN’T INDEPENDENT

With the University adopting so many new initiatives this year, we at McJustice figure the University needs to find a venue in which to hold many of these programs. We couldn’t help but notice that the closed Linsey pool would be a perfect place for many of the great things we hope to accomplish.

Here are 10 different ways the Linsey pool could be used in the future:

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

JOHN CONNOR ’09 “TRUCKS: Tragic Redesign of the University Curriculum into Kids’ Storytime.”

Dr. Evil-style shark tank for University President Jehuda Reinharz’s enemies Midyear housing

Spillover committee meeting room

BERNADETTE MADOFF ’12

Permanent tire fire

Justice Brandeis Semester destination

“SUBWAY: Submitters of Unilaterally Biased Work are Yucky.”

Foam party

Mikvah

Gladiatorial ring

SHADY MCSHADY ’12 New weight room (the current one sucks)

“BIKES: Brandeis Imperial Knights of the Education System.”

Linsey Art Museum

HUMPHREY LOVINS ’11

QUIZNOS MATZA/Mmmm ... Toasty

NOT FOR LONG: Why keep the Linsey Pool closed like this? There are clearly so many better purposes for an empty swimming pool.

“COMMUTER RAIL: Committee Obtaining More Manuscripts Unethically to Eliminate Regular Restrictions of Access to Illegal Literature.”

MCJUSTICE

●

WEDNESDAY, APRIL 1, 2009

A7

FORUM LETTER TO THE EDITOR I will hunt down, kill Snyder To the editor: I am not writing to berate your publication over spelling errors or misquoted sources or even ideological differences. I am writing to the reporter [Bud Light Snyder] who managed to escape from our little interview (see Q&A, page A5) alive.

I have only this to say: I will find you. When I find you, I will kill you.

I don’t care what I told you before, that interview was off the record. I told you that shit in confidence.

You think you’re going to get famous for that? You think you can just take a piece of Bill Ayers and walk away?

It doesn’t work that way. Bill Ayers doesn’t play that shit.

You think you can hide from me?

You think I don’t know how to track you down? I have your fucking scent.

How fast can you run on those toothpick legs you’ve got? I’ve got legs like fucking steam pistons, and when I run you down you’re going to wish you died in my Greenwich apartment explosion.

First I’m going to beat those stupid glasses into your face. What, you think you’re Spike Lee? Then we’re really going to have some fun.

Do you know how many nails you can hammer into the human head before death? Forty. If you’re careful.

I’m a regular fucking Donatello.

After that little fuck I’m coming after the rest of you. And what I’m going to do to the rest of the staff is going to make what I did to him look like a fuckin’ massage and a hand job.

Hail and kill, —Bill Ayers Chicago, Ill.

PLEAAAASE don’t close the Rose! K? Thx. Byeeee.

Verizon AMLANKUSUM

CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW? Last week my boyfriend started crying during sex. I was confused as usual until he offered a non-loveydovey excuse for once. The Rose Art Museum is closing! Maybe! The University will sell some art! Maybe!

I quickly became angry, then sad, then angry and sad at the same time.

I’m still in that latest state. I just can’t believe that no one told me. How could the University possibly do this?

First of all, the Rose is the best small contemporary/modern art museum at any Jewish-sponsored nonsectarian university in the greater Waltham area. I haven’t been there yet, but other people have told me that it gives Brandeis more prestige than anything else, ever. Most people in the world only know about the Rose, not Brandeis. So getting rid of it is stupid in that respect.

Also, most people only come here for our fine arts program. I did, anyhow. It’s one of the best ones in the country. Without it, I and most other students would never have even considered coming here in the first place.

And the whole idea of selling art for money is patently absurd. How could someone sell a piece of art for profit? If we started selling art for profit at Brandeis, then other people would start selling art to earn money, too. Artists might even try it. You can’t put a price on art. It’s fucking

QUIZNOS MATZA/Mmmm ... Toasty

OH NO!: They’re coming to take away the world-famous Rose. We must stop them. STOP THEM. STOP THEM NOW!!!! NOOOO!! art, for crying out loud. You can’t just buy and sell it like it’s something that is bought and sold. If Brandeis were to sell any art, we’d be creating a market for art. And that’s simply immoral.

Before the University goes about selling art—probably to terrorists— we should cut other things from the budget to try to get some money. How about making USEMs optional? Or leaving the pool broken? Maybe they should start accepting lots of unqualified students so that they get more tuition money.

And if those options don’t work, the University should just start firing

some faculty members. That’ll save money, too. Some people might say that we should sell art before firing people because having a fuller faculty is a better long-term decision. But that’s completely illogical. Any economist would agree. You can keep art for generations, but faculty members are people. And people eventually die. Now who’s thinking long term?

The only thing worse than the University maybe closing the Rose and stuff is the fact that no one is doing shit about it. There should have been student protests, sudden Facebook groups, angry alumni and famous commentators and newspa-

pers getting mad about it even though they have no stake in the issue. And where is the Rose family in all of this? It’s unbelievable. There has been no backlash—no big hullabaloo. Nothing.

The Rose is super important. If we get rid of it any way at all then it’s going to be like taking the “arts” out of “liberal arts,” because in that context, ‘arts’ is clearly referring to ensuring that you have physical artwork housed in a museum on campus. If Brandeis does anything to the Rose, I just don’t know what I would do. It’d just suck. And the University totally shouldn’t do it.

SPORTS WHO SUCKS NOW?

BUDGET

Golf traded for DeLuca ■ The Department of

Athletics is using golf team funds to pay for a sixth year of tuition for basketball star Steve DeLuca (GRAD).

By WAL-MART GANDELMAN SAVE MONEY, LIVE BETTER

QUIZNOS MATZA/Mmmm ... Toasty

WE WILL ROCK YOU! BRING IT ON!: Liiiiike, we toootally beat you guyzz. Looooosers!

Cheerleaders win ■ The Brandeis University

cheerleading squad routed the men’s basketball team 100-3 in a postseason scrimmage last night, led by a totally total team effort.

By PRINGLES KIRSCH ONCE YOU POP, THE FUN DON’T STOP

Ponytails flying and skirt hems flouncing, the Brandeis University Cheerleading Team defeated the men’s basketball team 100-3 in a postseason challenge game last Saturday, ending the men’s basketball team’s season once and for all.

“I mean, like, we just were all like, ‘Ready? OK!!!’” second-level pyramid member and starting forward Ada Lovelace ’12 said.

“And, you know, they, like, just couldn’t bring it up against our defensive pressure, right? So we just kept running those sets hard and, like, bringing it under the basket.”

The cheerleaders scored the first points of the game with point guard Sophie Germain’s ’10 layup in the

first minute and never looked back.

Midway through the first half, the ladies went on a 33-0 run, hitting 11 straight three-pointers.

“We totally just kept hitting those open shots,” center Emmy Noether ’11 said. “It’s, like, come on, girls, you can do it! Put your power forward to it!”

The men’s team’s single basket came when the cheerleaders took a moment to encourage their opponents with a few high kicks and cries of “That’s alright, that’s OK, you were second in the UAA.” giving Kevin Olson ’09 a chance to hit a three-pointer.

“We just got discouraged after their third or fourth dunk,” Christian Yemga ’11 said. “These postseason games get you, because when you can’t keep up the momentum, you can’t even find a way to score.”

Judges guard Andre Roberson ’10 put it differently.

He said: “I guess we could have been concentrating more on the ball and less on, you know, other things that bounce.”

The women’s basketball team will play the male cheerleaders this Saturday at 8 p.m.

Serving the roles of both executioner and doctor last Thursday evening, Director of Athletics Sheryl Sousa announced the termination of one Brandeis team while she breathed life into another.

She revealed that, in a secret powwow with Assistant Athletics Director Tom Rand, the Athletics program decided to cut the golf team and provide the freed-up funds to the NCAA in exchange for an extra year of eligibility for star basketball player and grad student extraordinaire Steve DeLuca (GRAD).

“It’s a beautiful partnership that works quite well for everyone,” Sousa said. “Well, except for the golf team, its coach and 10 fans. We just can’t let go of our little Stevie, and the NCAA was happy to accept the extra money after ratifying the DeLuca Clause.”

Golf team captain Aaron Hattenbach ’09 was enraged at the news: “I’ve sacrificed nights going out with my boys, my GPA’s more disappointing than Brandeis’ loss to Franklin and Marshall, and I’ve sworn off hordes of bodacious babes just to set an example for the younger guys. They put us to sleep, but we were no suffering puppy. Sure the Emorys, WashUs and Rochesters of the world dominated us, but we could definitely beat some Division III teams you’ve never heard of.”

Alex Podell ’09, another golf varsity captain, was demoralized to hear of the decision last Friday after awakening at 4 p.m. “This is a trauma that will bludgeon me the rest of my life, almost as bad as the Lakers’ loss in last year’s NBA championship,” moaned the die-hard Lakers fan and fifth-year senior. “I was planning on coming back for a couple more years to play golf and finish my American

GATORADE PANG/Is It In You?

SURPRISING SWAP: Steve DeLuca (GRAD), left, leaps for joy as his never-ending career continues, while the golf team, right, stares into their non-existant future.

Studies major, and now I can’t. All so DeLuca can lead the team to the round of 32 in the D3 NCAA tournament?”

Golf coach Bill Shipman perhaps stands to lost the most from the decision. He will be forced to take a fivefigure pay cut, and the golf team had always been close to his heart. His response to the news was touching.

“Wait, the golf team was cut?” he said, pausing between each word.

When DeLuca was asked if he felt guilty that he was solely responsible for the termination of one of Brandeis’ storied teams, his response was nothing short of pragmatic.

“Let’s just be realistic here for a second. The hundreds of fans at each game. Because of me. The recent success of the program—of course, me.

The increase in the attractiveness of the student body? Yep, the ladies obviously came for me. Sorry Hattenbach, but you country club

boys just can’t measure up to the big D. There’s no “I” in golf, but there certainly is in Steve DeLuca.”

Basketball coach Brian Meehan was happy for another year of DeLuca on the roster but concerned for the athlete’s future.

“I tried as hard as I could to tell Sousa to not bring him back so he can move on toward a rich life after basketball,” Meehan said. “But Steve was just dead set on setting himself up for a lucrative career playing ball for some sketchy league in Poland.”

While the golf team has reached the end of its lease on life, Hattenbach still tries to stay positive.

“The Brandeis golf team is more than just a group of guys swinging drivers and irons, wearing khakis and polos and worshipping Tiger [Woods]. It’s in here,” he says, pointing to his heart. “Sousa may have ended the actual playing, but the Brandeis golf team, that’s forever.”

Mc

Classifieds Some shit we got Wanted: Lots of yarmulkes.

Wanted: Shabbos goy. Reform Jews accepted.

Wanted: Cannibalism partner. Must be octo-curious.

For Sale: Animal nudes. Full set: Squirrel on duck, turtle on sheep, dog on my Toyota.

For Sale: Human skull. Only used once.

For Sale: The stuff from the Rose Art Museum. All the change in your couch or best offer.

For Sale: Lock of Bill Ayers’ hair. Only used once.

For Sale: State-of-the-art smoke detector cover by Hefty. Inquire soon to receive free towel to stuff under the door in the bargain.