The Justice - April Fools Edition 2010

ARTS AND CRAFTS PAGE 96

FORUM Goldstone great in bed 71

VAGINA DIALOGUE

SPORTS A team you don’t care about wins 6F DIS

ISSUE WAS PRRINTED FROMM OUW NU INDIA LOCASHUN

the

Justice www.theJusticeOnline.com

Volume BNB Number 7

Pandora, Alpha Centauri

Thursday, April 1, 2154

ACADEMICS

STUDENT UNION

Four-year degree may be cut

Candidates for Univ president announced

■ The College of Arts and

Sciences may be replaced by a Web site so you can learn and watch porn together.

By UNOBTAINIUM NEUBAUER ‘THE CORE’ DID IT FIRST

The Brandeis 2020 Committee has released a supplemental proposal to end the current four-year bachelor’s degree program and replace the entire College of Arts and Sciences with a four-year online degree program.

The proposed program, Justice Brandeis Learning Experience Online, was announced by Dean of Arts and Sciences Adam Jaffe at the latest faculty-only meeting as a way to more fully fulfill the Board of Trustees’ mandate to cut costs.

“It’s just something we’re now considering,” says Jaffe of the proposal. “We’ve found that the current College of Arts and Sciences may not be the most profitable sector of the University.”

If accepted by the Board, the proposal would take effect beginning in the 2010 to 2011 academic year.

Under the new proposal, all students and faculty would interact through distance learning tools on LATTE from off-campus, Jaffe explained.

“We feel this is an innovative, creative approach that will close the budget deficit once and for all and will generate increased interest among naïve prospective students,” he said.

Executive Vice President and Chief Operating Officer Jeff Apfel explained how this proposal would plug the University’s $150 trillion budget gap. “Because of the structural deficit caused by deferred maintenance, utility costs for our buildings have risen dramatically—

■ The Presidential Search

Committee, chaired by none other than Jason Gray ’10, announced its top three candidates for University president earlier this week.

By HOMETREE BUECHLER BURN, MOTHERFUCKER, BURN

résumé for preliminary approval with the application. “The administration believed it would speed up all processes that require a copy of the résumé,” he explained.

“Unfortunately, Hiatt refused to work with the Office of Admissions.”

A representative from Hiatt who requested anonymity claimed the problem was that the Office of Admissions refused to make an appointment over the phone, instead repeatedly attempting to make an appointment via e-mail.

In an e-mail to the Justice, the rep-

Conan O’Brien, Rabbi Peretz Chein and Diana Aronin ’11 are the top three candidates to replace still-President Jehuda Reinharz, according to an email to the Justice by Chair Aronin of the Presidential Search Committee Jason Gray ’10.

Gray was appointed chair of the committee last week after former committee chairs Barbara Mandel, Myra Kraft ’64, Stephen Kay and Chein Meyer Koplow ’72 each resigned from the position after being nominated for president.

O’Brien, an unemployed Harvard graduate, is the former host of NBC’s Late Night. He O’Brien also briefly and disastrously served as the host of The Tonight Show.

Chein, an ordained Chabad rabbi, is the popular founder and current head of Chabad at Brandeis as well as host of the sickest annual Purim party ever.

Aronin formerly served as (and still is) the Student Union secretary.

Although not originally considered by the committee, Aronin’s Facebook-driven write-in candidacy has propelled her to become one of the top three candidates.

See APP, A3 ☛

See SEARCH, A3 ☛

PHOTO ILLUSTRATION BY TREE OF VOICES KRELL/Talking plant supervisor

COSTLY UPKEEP: Things like classrooms are expensive to sustain; so the University may just do away with them altogether. and meanwhile, we also don’t have the funds to renovate campus infrastructure. I mean, our Shapiro basement is now a bloody swimming pool, for crying out loud,” Apfel said, referring to the recent roof leakage particularly noticeable in the basement of the beautiful Shapiro dormitory.

Moving all instruction off-campus would allow the University to shut down all buildings to save on building upkeep and energy costs, Jaffe added. “We’re helping ourselves, and we’re helping the environment,” Apfel said. With all students

logging into classes from off-campus, Apfel said it would be much easier to leverage a 50-percent increase of the student body to bring in more revenue.

“I don’t think students will perceive this as big change in the college experience,” Dean of Student Life Rick Sawyer said. “I mean, students barely interact in person anymore, so I think we’re just going with the times,” he said. “This is hip, and it will also solve our housing problems, you know, since they’ll all probably be living at home.”

Director of Admissions Jean Eddy said she felt that the plan’s cuttingedge use of technology would attract students. “We’re really offering them maximum flexibility, since students would barely have to move in order to get that inflated Brandeis A,” she said.

Faculty Senate Chair Prof. Albert Einstein (PHYS) said he supported the change. “I think traditional lecture-style teaching has gotten kind of stale,” he said. “And it’s been getting pretty tiring having to get up and walk up those horrible Rabb steps every day.”

ADMISSIONS

New supplements added to admissions application ■ The Office of Admissions

has an ill-fated plan to make its application more attractive to students.

By IKRAN BLADY EDITOR OF BADASS

The Office of Admissions will revamp the University’s Common Application supplement to include the application for Study Abroad, among other changes, beginning with the Class of 2015, according to a report on BrandeisNow.

According to Senior Director of Community Living Jeremy Leiferman, the inclusion of the Study Abroad application in the University’s admissions application was something that he had long been pushing for. “We just really want to know what to expect with regards to junior-year housing for the fall semester after the fall semester a year from this upcoming fall semester,” Leiferman said in an interview with the Justice.

The updated admissions process will also include the assignment of randomly generated lottery numbers by the Department of

Community Living for the following three years, along with a note urging perspective students to “keep these numbers in mind” as they “try to make three or four Brandeis friends.” The application will now also include thirteen separate Student Union surveys regarding applicants’ initial perception of oncampus dining.

In an interview with the Justice, Dean of Admissions Jean Eddy explained that the University also pressured the Office of Admissions to collaborate with Hiatt Career Center so that each applicant would have to submit a copy of his or her

Usdan overcrowding

Linsey pool reopens!

Committee formed

■ To solve overcrowding in Usdan, the University adds a sandwich stand in Usdan.

■ Nah, we’re just joshin’ ya. You know damn well that we have no money for such unimportant minutiae.

■ Brandeis 2030 Committee formed yesterday. Report due last week.

NEWS 43 For tits or head call (781) 529-6236

Fill our inboxes with stupid shit!

Submit inane musings to the editor online at www.thejusticeonline.com

CHAGRINDEX

SPORTS 1.06 CEILINGS ROSE, STILL

17 16

DINING ABROAD

15 7

DEIS GIRLS SEARCH

10 2

CABLE TV

11

NEWS 2,020 COPYRIGHT 2154 FINISH YOUR BEER. There are sober children in India.

A2

THURSDAY, APRIL 1, 2010

●

THE JUSTICE

NEWS BRIEF

POLICE LOG

DCL to open HOAR House in 567

Medical Emergency

An additional Common Cause Community program will be offered next year for those students who wish to earn money performing sexual acts on others, the Department of Community Living announced on its Web site last Thursday.

The program, called the Harmony and Openness Alliance Residence House, will be open to sophomores who “feel they didn’t step out of their shell enough freshman year and want to break out of that shell … and at the same time earn some money,” explained Director of Community Living Jeremy Leiferman in an interview with the Justice. Students in the HOAR House program will be visited nightly by other members of the Brandeis community, including students, faculty and staff, as well as Waltham residents unaffiliated with the University, who will pay them a fee in return for sexual intercourse “or maybe just third base if a particular student doesn’t feel comfortable yet,” explained Leiferman.

Leiferman said that the HOAR House will be located at 567 South St. due to its appropriately sketchy nature and its proximity to Cappy’s Pizza and the Village Market, locations where the DCL plans to hang flyers advertising a new HOAR House in Waltham.

The program will be open to all sophomores, including members of historically underrepresented races, like women and Jews. The DCL specifically stated in its “Puzzling as Balls” information booklet that anatomical largeness and general hotness are key selection criteria. Leiferman described the several students already selected for the program as “Brandeis 10s.”

The DCL Web site says that the HOAR House will be staffed by “experts in the field,” who have been recently hired using funding the University saved by implementing the Brandeis 2020 Committee’s proposal to cut all classes with the word social in the title. One such hire, who goes by the name Daddy, told the Justice, “These bitches gonna learn some life skills all right. And they gonna learn ’em fast or they gonna see the back o’ my hand upside they nasty bitch heads.”

Once Daddy noticed that the Justice reporter was holding an electronic voice recorder and not offering him a cigar, he cleared his throat and added, “This initiative is an excellent endeavor into the world of professional lasciviousness, and I anticipate a positive outcome and positive feedback from all those involved.”

Dean of Student Life Rick Sawyer said in an interview with the Justice that as of now, students who perform services in the HOAR House are able to receive payment only by cash but that his office and the DCL are currently working with the Campus Card Office to allow payments to be made in WhoCash, points and meals. Sawyer said that if this program is successful next year, he would work with the registrar’s office to allow HOAR House residents to elect to receive course credit by servicing faculty members and teaching assistants.

Jenna Jamestein ’13, DD, one of the students selected for next year’s inaugural program, said, “I’m very excited to be a part of this thing. … This is something I already do informally out of my room in Shapiro [Residence Hall], … so it’s great that I can actually do this through Brandeis and have people supporting me.” She paused, then added, “And it’ll be nice not to have to keep fucking my [community advisor] to keep him from reporting me.”

Peter Northowitz ’13, 9”, who plans to apply for the program told the Justice, “This is my dream come true! I’ve always wanted to be a HOAR!” Despite all the support from the community, the program has been met with some criticism, mostly from the Student Union. Union President Andy Hogan ’11, explained that Public Safety already operates an escort service at Brandeis and called the HOAR House a “brothel” in a poorly attended public speech yesterday.

“This is an outrage! This [program] will be the downfall of Brandeis,” said Hogan in his speech, which was attended only by a couple of members of campus media. “If average civilian Brandeisians are going to be able to get laid now, what’s the point of being on Student Union, anyway?”

—Jake Sully Fromm

CORRECTIONS AND CLARIFICATIONS A first-year living in Deroy Hall is pregnant. The deputy editor regrets the error.

How dare you even consider yourself worthy of correcting the infallible staff of the Justice! Find something that disagrees with us? It’s your error, not ours. Our mistakes are always sexual, never textual.

theJustice We at the Justice thank you for allowing us to dissolve your cerebrum with our rambling word vomit. That you chose us over that other stupid local newspaper (the Boston Globe) truly flatters us. Our editor in chief holds office hours every Wednesday from 1 to 2 p.m. If you go, please be sure to congratulate her on winning the spelling bee.

Main Line News Forum Features Sports Arts Ads Photos Managing

(800) POOR-SOUL (800) BIG-TIME (800) FART-JOKE (800) SELL-ART (800) CON-SUME (800) BEE-FLAT (800) BALLS-OUT (800) GET-IT-ON (800) PINK-DOG

The Na’vi Pandora University Mailstop 111 Star Sector 549.110a Alpha Centauri, the Universe E-mail: justblue@avatar.edu

Apr. 1—A caller in Rosenthal Quad reported that his roommate had sneezed and could possibly have H1N1. BEMCo’s Hazmat division responded and sealed the 19-year-old male in an airtight container for transport to the quarantine zone in the Charles River Apartments. Facilities Services entered Rosenthal South to remove and incinerate all furniture, carpeting and favorite childhood stuffed animals in the patient’s room and to disinfect the entire suite and its seven remaining residents with chlorine bleach.

Examination by Health Center staff after the patient was detained for the required seven-day quarantine period concluded that the patient did not have H1N1 and that the sneeze was likely caused by a tickle in the patient’s nose.

Apr. 1—A 20-year-old male in the Castle reported shortness of breath after being pinned to his bed by a large fallen tile from his leaky ceiling. University Police transferred the call to staff at the Department of Community Living, who told the student he must fend for himself.

Apr. 1—An 18-year-old female in Massell Quad reported suffering from hypothermia after she swam in Massell Pond in subfreezing temperatures. The patient said that she is a member of the swim team and had no choice but to practice in the pond since the University has no pool. The party was transported by ambulance to the Newton-Wellesley Hospital.

Apr. 1—A student in the Usdan Café reported that her friend had been trampled by hundreds of hungry students who were pushing and shoving violently to get

to the food stations. University Police and BEMCo responded but could not locate the patient.

Larceny Apr. 1—A University staff member reported the Theater department missing. The Brandeis 2020 Committee was notified, and a report will be compiled on the incident.

versity Police responded to and discovered a large quantity of marijuana in the apartment.

University Police confiscated the drugs and brought them back to the Public Safety office. No report was compiled on the incident, and University Police did not respond to any emergency calls for the next 48 hours.

Miscellaneous Vandalism Apr. 1—A party reported that an arsonist had set fire to the Rose Art Museum. The party reported seeing a middle-aged man in a suit fleeing the scene on an orange Vespa. University Police responded and admired the scene but took no further action.

Disturbance Apr. 1—A caller in the Foster Mods reported loud music coming from a party next door. Uni-

Apr. 1—University Police received a report from a staff member at the Spingold Theater Center who no longer feels safe working at the University because of the publicity surrounding the protests over funding cuts. University Police compiled a report on the incident.

Editor’s note: That last entry is actually totally legit. Seriously.

—confabulated by Jake Sully Fromm

SENATE LOG Union may be replaced by absolute monarchy

COLONEL MILES MATZA/Editor of badass

Talmudic free throw Moerdler-NBA Rebbe Adam Elkins of the Chicago Bulls delivers a pregame pep talk to a crowd of basketball enthusiasts at an alcoholfree event in the Napoli Trophy Room last Wednesday.

At Sunday’s Student Union Senate meeting, the Constitutional Review Committee announced its ideas for restructuring the Student Union government, proposing that since the Student Union had shown itself incapable of handling democracy in a mature manner, an absolute monarchy should replace the executive, judicial and legislative branches.

According Jessica Steinberg ’10, the chair of the committee, “Given that the Student Union impeached the Union secretary and then subsequently allowed that individual to be re-elected, rendering the preceding Union Judiciary completely useless, the student body and its representatives are obviously not taking their voting rights seriously and don’t deserve them.” She continued, “From this, we draw the inevitable conclusion that the only viable form of government for the undergraduate student government is an absolutist monarchy.”

The report states that the CRC will select the first monarch, and each ruler would designate their own successor, as revealed to him or her by God. At the time of the next constitutional review, the committee will be instructed to review this decision to determine “whether Brandeis students have grown up sufficiently enough to handle selfdetermination.”

The committee also recommended securing the Brandeis Cheese Club and the Brandeis Quidditch Club due to their importance to the University’s fifth and sixth pillars, which encourage the consumption of fine cheeses and engagement in magical sports, respectively.

Another recommendation involves the creation of a new position for students from New York City in the Senate, which will become a completely powerless body called the House of Lords. In its reasoning, the CRC explains that students from New York City are a minority constituency with particular concerns, given that Yankee fans are subjected to the wrath of Red Sox fans.

Those students also have particular dietary habits in the form of bagels and an all-tooreasonable expectation that public transportation be available 24 hours a day.

The report additionally proposes renaming Hillel as either the Judaean Peoples’ Front or the People’s Front of Judaea.

—Unobtainium Neubauer

HOROSCOPES Aquarius: This week is a good time to clean and organize your belongings, as you’ll be spending a lot more time at home after Friday’s shenanigans.

Gemini: That moment you’ve been looking forward to all month finally arrives on Sunday morning, but you will be too hungover to appreciate it.

Libra: Libra’s characteristically balanced nature will come in handy in a difficult situation, but not as handy as your ability to pick locks with your tongue.

Pisces: Your Piscean nature makes you a dreamer who’s largely oblivious to reality, which is an important factor in your tragic demise due to autoerotic asphyxiation this week.

Cancer: This week you will find love with a sexy, mysterious Libra who will dump you as soon as you reveal your overreliance on horoscopes.

Scorpio: As Venus ascends into Jupiter’s orbit, you may be feeling that your entire understanding of the universe is out of whack. Ask someone you trust to help you review the basic concepts of geometry.

Aries: With Mercury in retrograde, your skin condition will no longer draw stares in public.

However, the unbearable burning sensation will persist.

Leo: As you watch flames engulf your brand-new Lexus, try to focus on the hefty insurance check coming your way rather than the box of newborn kittens in the trunk.

Taurus: A loved one will ask you to help with an important task this week. After reluctantly agreeing, you will then be arrested and charged with a felony while he or she flees the country. Good luck with bail.

Virgo: Though you may feel your energy begin to wane this week, avoid napping and persevere with your efforts on that difficult project. That way, your inevitable failure will appear to be someone else’s fault.

Sagittarius: Trust your instincts when dealing with business associates this week. They will pay off next week when the company picnic happens to coincide with a local Armageddon.

Capricorn: Though you will suffer much the same fate as your Leonine counterparts this week, your lack of friends will make it much harder to gain any sympathy for your plight.

THE JUSTICE

ISRAELI AGGRESSION

●

THURSDAY, APRIL 1, 2010

A3

SEARCH: Top three candidates selected CONTINUED FROM A1

PHOTO ILLUSTRATION BY TREE OF VOICES KRELL/Talking plant supervisor

DISPROPORTIONATE RESPONSES: Guy Antebi (HBRW) and Prof. Vardit Ringvald (HBRW) gear up before heading out to continue their attacks on the University.

IDF soldiers defend Hebrew major ■ Hebrew instructors react

with violence after learning of the proposed deletion of the Hebrew major.

By IKRAN BLADY EDITOR OF BADASS

Angered Hebrew faculty initiated a militarized protest last Thursday evening demanding that the Brandeis 2020 Committee’s recommendation be changed to keep the Hebrew major intact. The protest is still under way, with members of the Hebrew faculty— nearly all of whom are former soldiers of the Israeli Defense Forces—using the facilities beneath the Rabb Graduate Center as their base of operations.

According to Provost Marty Krauss, the Committee is now “seriously reconsidering” the termination of the Hebrew major in light of the potential for the campus to become a war zone.

“Maybe we should have terminated the Peace and Coexistence program instead,” Krauss told the Justice from her undisclosed safe location.

According to the latest available information, nearly 50 non-Hebrew faculty have had their feelings injured compared to just two on the Hebrew faculty side.

The protest has not claimed any lives to date, but dozens of students and faculty have reported water damage to various campus buildings after highly trained Hebrew professors infiltrated and damaged the University’s water pipeline system, according to Director of Public Safety Ed Callahan.

“They’ve got an entire IDF platoon operating out of there,” said a panicked Dean of Arts and Sciences Adam Jaffe in a telephone interview from his bunker. “We should have known the Hebrew faculty was prone to retaliation.”

“This operation is absolutely necessary!” declared a former Israeli sol-

dier who was imported from Israel to oversee the tank operation developing beneath Rabb. When asked whether he believed the operation was a truly proportional response to the Brandeis 2020 Committee’s proposition, he responded, “Of course it is. Don’t be a schmucking Goldstone.”

A rifle-wielding Guy Antebi (HBRW) told the Justice, “We defend what is ours. L’azazel im hanasi v’kol hachaverim hayekarim shelo,” before tightening his bulletproof vest and pounding his chest with his fist for emphasis.

Several members of the Hebrew faculty requested that Arabic or the Islamic and Middle Eastern Studies program be cut instead, but they were unwilling to present any reasoning to substantiate the request. The Committee has since rejected that proposal.

A member of the 2020 Committee who wished to remain anonymous out of fear for his life told the Justice in an interview that Krauss has been en-

couraging the Committee to terminate the PAX program instead of Hebrew.

“Canceling this program runs a much lower risk of violence,” explained the Committee member. “Aside from finances, safety is our number-one priority. Peace and Coexistence minors are presumably much less likely to fight back.”

Prof. Gordon Fellman (PAX) confirmed that sentiment in an interview with the Justice. “Yes, that’s true.

Fighting is never the answer. If only the federal government started spending money on education rather than the military, you would know that,” he said, referring to the apparent fact that PAX minors are wimps and would not fight back against a cut.

“But we’d silent-protest the shit out of you,” added Fellman.

At press time, a ceasefire between the Hebrew program and the University has not yet been reached. The University has refused to sit down to ceasefire negotiations until the final status of Shapiro is back on the table.

CONSTRUCTION

Manual labor JBS approved for summer ■ The new CRA Project will

combine strenuous work with experiential learning.

By HOMETREE BUECHLER BURN, MOTHERFUCKER, BURN

An additional Justice Brandeis Semester for summer 2010, the Charles River Amelioration Project, was approved by Dean of Arts and Sciences Adam Jaffe yesterday. According to the approved proposal, the CRA Project, first proposed last week by Prof.

Brian Donahue (AMST), will be fully focused on real-world practice.

Donahue explained that students participating in the CRA Project will be responsible for completing the dayto-day manual labor necessary for the completion of the recently announced renovations to the Charles River Apartments. Unlike other JBS tracks, however, the CRA Project will have no formal class component; participants will, however, learn to use traditionally non-Jewish apparatuses such as hammers and nails. They will spend their days carrying heavy loads of construction equipment and their nights crying and talking about their feelings.

Students in the CRA Project, which fulfills the University Physical Education requirement, will reside in group tents in the shady parking lot south of the Charles River Apartments. The De-

partment of Community Living will hold a separate housing lottery to determine which CRA Project participants get which tent.

In an interview with the Justice, Donahue emphasized that this is not an academically geared program: “Students shouldn’t shy away from the CRA Project because they think that there will be physics or reading involved. Hell, we’re not even having class. It’s all about putting in a good day’s work.”

In a Universitywide e-mail announcing the program’s approval, Jaffe stated that the program would give lesser-skilled and heavier students opportunities to receive passing credit for something other than an American Studies course or a class offered by Prof. Peter Woll (POL).

“This is all about giving the academically and weightily challenged students who we have been accepting with increased frequency a chance to feel like they can excel in something,” Jaffe wrote.

It is estimated that the University will save upward of $100,000 in labor costs by having students pay to enroll in the CRA Project rather than hiring people to renovate. The University will also be saving funds on the construction by not hiring a professional company to create renovation blueprints.

Brandeis will instead be using blueprints drawn up by Student Union President Andy Hogan ’11.

Before the search committee reaches a final decision, the three candidates will be interviewed by the committee, the University Board of Trustees, the Faculty Senate Council, the Brandeis University Cheese Club and several senior administrators.

In a statement released on behalf of the University, Executive Vice President and Chief Operating Officer Jeffery Apfel stated, “Our dedicated and desperate search for the next president of this university has produced three diverse and dynamic individuals, each of whom would perhaps be a competent leader of this institution.”

In an all-too-eager interview with the Justice, O’Brien expressed his concerns about the final stages of the presidential selection process. “If offered, I would only accept this job if the Board swore on their families that Jehuda wouldn’t get some 10 o’clock slot. I’ve already dealt with that shit,” he said.

Chein was unavailable for comment by press time due to the Sabbath. However, in an interview with the Justice, his eldest child, Mendel Chein, said that he was “really excited” about his father’s nomination.

According to Aronin, the mere existence of her write-in candidacy shows that the search committee should ultimately select her as the next president. “The people have spoken; the Union Judiciary was simply wrong,” she irrelevantly said in an interview with the Justice.

In a Gmail-chat interview with the Justice, Reinharz wrote that he was “just totally not in the mood” to comment on the search’s progress.

APP: New sections included CONTINUED FROM A1

PHOTO ILLUSTRATION BY TREE OF VOICES KRELL/Talking plant supervisor

HOGAN’S HEROES : Union President Andy Hogan ’11 gets down and dirty.

One fat student who could not recall his own name said in an interview with the Justice that he was intent on participating in the CRA Project. “It’ll be so fun. I love making thingies. I re-

ally gotta pee. Are you gonna finish that sandwich? Because I love that kind,” he said, referring to the electronic device being used to record the interview.

resentative wrote, “All Jean had to do was call us and make an appointment. We just really hate e-mail—not the Internet— just e-mail. Have you seen our newest Webinars? It’s like a seminar but on the Web lol [sic].

Oh, and we don’t even hate all email—just incoming e-mail regarding appointment-making.”

The application in its entirety now consists of the standard Common Application forms; the Brandeis supplement, which includes an 800 to 1,000-word “Seriously, why not Tufts?” essay; a personal statement; another personal statement explaining why the student’s study abroad program is a good academic fit; an academic proposal of study for both Brandeis and the student’s proposed study abroad program; a résumé; three letters of recommendation from a family member, employer and teacher; a passport photo; a high school graduation photo; a baby picture; three separate forms to check the box to indicate intent to participate in the housing lotteries; three room selection worksheets; and a form that asks students to rank proposed Student Union giveaway ideas in order of preference.

A4

THURSDAY, APRIL 1, 2010

●

THE JUSTICE

Deis actors

Denial in

In spite of major cuts to the arts at Brandeis, theater groups spend more than ever before

By TORUK RASER DEATH FROM ABOVE

Backstage at the Spingold Theater looks a little different than usual as the Brandeis Theater Company prepares for its original production of the musical The Lion King. Backstage, no one is painting wooden backdrops and there is minimal set building. The actors, who normally at this point would be in dress-rehearsal mode, are rehearsing lines in a different room. The only noises that can be heard onstage come from a shrieking baboon and a herd of loud wildebeests.

Instead of cutting back spending like everyone else at Brandeis, BTC is spending an obscene amount of money on productions even though the Brandeis 2020 Committee’s final report made it clear that no one really even cares about theater.

The final report of the committee recommended that the MFA Program in Theater Design be slowly phased out, which would ultimately cause the theater department to lose a lot of money.

Head of the Theater Arts department Prof.

Susan Dibble thinks that the production is beautiful so far, but she has her doubts about the grandiose budget the producers of the show required.

“I’m not sure we will have the money in the future to even have a theater program.

This budget basically depletes the department of all of its money,” says Dibble.

BTC always strives for the best and works to push boundaries, but this time it has perhaps gone too far.

The Theater students are acting much differently now than when they first heard the news.

“I remember Feb. 23 as if it were yesterday.

The theater kids were freaking out! All I wanted to do was go to Hannaford, and six theater kids were lying in the road in front of the Branvan.

All I wanted to do was go to Hannaford,” said a first-year with a look of terror in her eyes.

Theater students were also reported to have been setting things on fire and threatening hunger strikes.

A sophomore business major said, “I didn’t really mind them at that point. It wasn’t until the whining started that I really got annoyed

PHOTO ILLUSTRATION BY TREE OF VOICES KRELL/Talking plant supervisor

with them. I remember sitting in Econ, and this girl just started reciting a Shakespeare sonnet.

I asked her to stop and she whined for the duration of class about how she would never be able to recite that sonnet on stage again. Ugh!” Now that the whining period has passed, theater students have been spending a fortune on productions as if nothing has changed. Worse yet, it’s as if they think the theater program had received millions of dollars.

The live-animal-featuring production of The Lion King will be performed later this month, right before finals. While the musical is predicted to sell a lot of tickets, ticket sales will only cover the cost of one authentic African mask worn by actor Kijembe Murikafaso, a young boy from Botswana, Africa who was paid to travel to Waltham to play Simba. The cost of getting the boy here was more than a year’s tuition. The director of the show, a senior theater student just a month away from graduation, decided that she would give up the money she had been saving to move to New York to try and become a Broadway star so that Murikafaso could come to Brandeis.

“I’m all about authenticity. Besides, he was the perfect guy for the job,” says the show’s director.

The director was passionate about adding a twist to the popular Disney musical, which is why she decided that the best way to modernize the piece was to bring live animals onto the stage. During Mufasa’s tragic death, real, live wildebeests will be used. Also, an actual baboon is being trained to play the wise character Rafiki. The baboon will also be trained by some of the top animal trainers in Massachusetts to sing “Hakuna Matata,” dance, laugh and bow.

While the producers would not give the Justice an exact figure for how much the show would cost, they kinda, sorta gave an estimate.

“It will cost more than a front row ticket to Hairspray but less than a production of Cats,” says one of the show’s producers.

The Justice estimated this figure to be around $20 million.

“I didn’t think anything could be more overthe-top than was BTC’s Romeo and Juliet in March,” says Dibble.

The first play of the semester, Romeo and Juliet, with a six-member cast, was produced

after the 2020 report came out cost $10 million to create. The director insisted that the characters wear authentic 16th century costumes imported from Italy.

“How could you do Romeo and Juliet without 16th-century original costumes? You can’t,” he says.

The costume costs were the least of the budget problems. The director insisted on reenacting Mercutio and Tybalt’s death scene from the popular movie, William Shakespeare’s Romeo and Juliet, starring Leonardo DiCaprio. To get the scene down perfectly, he hired a professional Hollywood stage-fight trainer as well as stunt doubles for the Brandeis actors. When the actor who originally was cast as Tybalt did not act enough like Jon Leguizamo’s character in the movie, the student character was cut and Jon Leguizamo was paid to replace him.

The Brandeis community is shocked, worried and mostly confused about all of this extra spending when in reality, there is supposed to be less spending across the board.

Provost Marty Krauss has tried everything.

She has repeatedly sent the new budget to the Theater department and has received no response. She has even tried translating the document into different languages, broadcasting it on WBRS, putting a flashing, neon-lit, billboard of it on South Street and doing interpretive dance about it. She has even had the Brandeis 2020 Committee’s final report posted on Web sites frequently visited by theater students, like PerezHilton.com.

Prof. Derek Isaacowitz (PSYC), has been observing the theater students and has come to the conclusion that they are in complete denial.

“It is remarkable. In all of my years extensively studying emotions as a psychologist, I have never seen a larger group of more annoying people able to so easily act as if nothing was happening,” says Isaacowitz.

While it is unclear what the effects of this spending will be or when the theater students will come to their senses, a lot of students are actually relieved at the theater students’ turnaround.

“I couldn’t stand the whining. At least they are now doing something a little bit more useful with their time. A very little bit,” says a senior student.

THE JUSTICE

●

THURSDAY, APRIL 1, 2010

A5

India Incognito

SOAKING IT IN: University Almost-not-President Jehuda Reinharz bathes in the Ganges River with some of his new friends. His suit remained dry.

PHOTO ILLUSTRATION BY TREE OF VOICES KRELL/Talking plant supervisor

Not-yet-not-President Jehuda Reinharz spent nearly two weeks on a secret Indian adventure with Brandeis buddies

By JAKE SULLY FROMM TOKEN PARAPLEGIC

University lame duck President Jehuda Reinharz took a trip to India from Feb. 1 to 13, allegedly to speak at the 2010 Delhi Sustainable Development Summit. But if you look on the Web site for this event, you’ll see that Reinharz was not even present at the summit at all. This reporter was very intrigued by the outright lies fed to our community and decided to investigate into just what our president was doing in India, if he was even actually in India at all. After weeks of painstaking research that included wiretapping Reinharz’s house and cell phone, calling the airlines under a false name, holding the Indian ambassador to the U.S. hostage in the bathroom of a Washington, D.C. Taco Bell and spending perhaps a bit too much time with Prof. Harleen Singh (GRALL), I finally have the true story of the president’s mysterious twoweek disappearance.

I cannot cite all my sources here out of fear for their lives and my own, but just trust me—everything I say here is verified by reliable sources and 100-percent true.

Jan. 28: Reinharz receives a latenight call from Singh informing him that he is in trouble and that she is on her way over to his house. When she arrives, she explains to him that through her connections with an Indian street gang, she found out that the U.S. government had learned of Reinharz’s illegal operations in India and was planning an attack on his factory in Delhi. She tells him they must travel to India to stop this attack and prevent publicity almost as bad as that surrounding the Rose Art Museum fiasco or the time Reinharz walked into a Board of Trustees meeting with the corner of his shirt sticking out of his fly.

Jan. 29: Reinharz holds an emergency meeting early in the morning with his most trusted adviser, Vice President of Global Affairs Daniel Terris. Terris gets in touch with his pilot and schedules a 13-day trip to India and begins a blog to mislead the University community by telling us that Reinharz will be speaking at the Delhi Sustainable Development Summit.

Feb. 1: The Reinharz-Singh-Terris trio visits Singh’s cousin, a blackmarket arms trader, and stocks up on

PHOTO ILLUSTRATION BY TREE OF VOICES KRELL/Talking plant supervisor

JEHUDAMOBILE: Reinharz explores the Indian countryside on his signature Vespa after kicking ass and taking names in Delhi. ammunition for the firearms Reinharz “borrowed” from Director of Public Safety Ed Callahan. After stopping quickly in front of a random building to take a picture to supplement Terris’ fictitious blog, they return to one of the many five-story mansions Reinharz owns around India. After bathing in water handdrawn by Reinharz’ slaves and feasting on the finest meats in the land (where do you think all the University’s money is going?) they discuss

their upcoming raid and head to bed for an early night.

Feb. 2: The team wakes up at 5 a.m., and its University-funded rickshaw driver takes them to the site of Reinharz’s child-staffed Smart Balance factory. A quick infrared scan shows that U.S. guerrillas are already in place to attack at any moment. Terris opens fire on the U.S. troops, and his Navy SEAL background pays off as he downs five U.S. special ops soldiers with five well-placed shots with a Uni-

versity Police-issue handgun from 600 yards away. Singh and Reinharz enter the factory as Terris holds off the rest of the troops. After stuffing their bags with a few tubs of Smart Balance, Reinharz and Singh plant some C4 explosives around the factory. As they leave out the back to meet up with Terris, the U.S. troops storm the factory. Singh detonates the explosives, destroying all evidence of the president’s illegal operations.

They return home for some hard-

earned massages.

Feb. 3-10: Though the crisis is averted, Reinharz still cannot return home because Terris’ blog says the summit meeting goes until Feb. 13, so they decide to go touring and see how people without millions in Swiss bank accounts live. Reinharz decides to forego the rickshaw in favor of a new Vespa scooter, inviting several new friends to tag along on the trip. Without a care in the world, the little tour group frolics hither and thither, enjoying the warm rolling hills of the Indian countryside and the hustle and bustle of the big cities. They stop for cows crossing the road, loot and pillage a poor farmer’s last remaining belongings just because it’s fun and eat 30 different types of curry for dinner. Rather than returning to their mansion at night, they sleep under the stars, waking up each morning with fewer belongings than they went to sleep with the night before. By Feb. 7, the Vespa and Smart Balance are gone, and with no cash or credit cards to their name, they find themselves becoming more deeply involved in the poor Indians’ lives. Rather than bathing in public bathhouses, they choose to splash and play in the Ganges River, bathing fully clothed, for they know that if they remove their clothes, they will surely never see them again.

Feb. 11: Over in Delhi, the climate summit has come to a close without so much as an appearance by Reinharz, the alleged keynote speaker. Finally, the three arrive at the airport, bearded (even Singh), reeking of the Ganges and 30 types of curry and barely recognizable to the pilot. Resuming their lives of wealth and corruption, they shower and shave on the private jet as Terris giddily types up a new blog post.

And so, my friends, I hope I have helped bring the truth to light for you.

Next time you see Reinharz, Terris and Singh walking around campus together and whispering and giggling to each other, listen carefully as you walk past them. You may hear them talking about swimming in the Ganges, riding an overloaded Vespa or even blowing up a factory filled with American soldiers. But I promise you that you will not hear anything about Reinharz’s keynote address at a climate summit. That whole scheme was just cow poop.

A6

THURSDAY, APRIL 1, 2010

●

THE JUSTICE

the Justice Established 1949

Brandeis University

EYWA KIRSCH, Editorial deity MO’AT SCHORR, Old but still hardcore JAKE SULLY FROMM, Token parapalegic DR. GRACE FINEMAN, Wasn’t she in ‘Alien’?

TRUDY B ERGMAN, IKRAN B LADY, PALI LEBOWITZ and C OLONEL MILES MATZA Editors of badass NEYTIRI RAHMAN and EYTUCAN SHIPPS, We see you NANTANG KLEIN, Your worst nightmare HOMETREE B UECHLER, Burn, motherfucker, burn NORM SPELLMAN ASEN, Average Brandeisian WOODSPRITE BAYER, Flying jellyfish TREE OF VOICES KRELL and TREE OF SOULS SPECTOR, Talking plant supervisors TSU’TEY B LUMENTHAL, Senior tattoo editor YERIK KRAUS, Six-legged deer thing MAX PATEL STERN, Indian alumnus

Keep ’em in your pants—really This board is disappointed in the reaction of Brandeis students to the recent re-emergence of the sun after a long New England winter. We understand that the warmth and light come with unfortunate side effects like happiness, laughter and increased energy; however, we would have thought that people as harried and as ugly as Brandeis students would have been able to resist the urge to constantly hold hands while strolling outdoors.

The rampant displays of hand-holding up and down campus are frankly inappropriate.

First of all, hand-holding violates Brandeis’ social justice principles.

Those couples who have the temerity to hold hands in public are flaunting their sexuality in the face of shomer negiah students who are forbidden to touch, look at or be within a 10-foot radius of a member of the opposite sex.

Students should be more respectful of their shomer negiah peers and either keep well away from each other or swaddle themselves in so much clothing that nobody can tell what’s happening underneath it.

As is, students holding hands are just forcing a historically underrepresented population to endure more cru-

Bad romance elty at the hands of the Reform majority.

Additionally, we are concerned that the rash of hand-holding might spread beyond students. It’s a little disturbing to see so many student couples holding hands, but if professors take up the habit, it’s going to get downright disgusting.

Approximately 50 percent of the University’s student body consists of members of the chosen people; as such, this board assumes that we have a main line to the Ribbono Shel Olam.

Through diligent prayer, Jews, Christians and Muslims alike—we don't care about polytheists and dirty atheists, frankly—should convince Him to send us at least 40 more days and nights of torrential downpour in order to quash the awful displays of public affection around campus.

Faculty, students and staff alike love to quote our illustrious namesake’s statement that “sunshine is the best disinfectant,” and apparently, students need to remember to apply Louis Brandeis’ sunshiney transparency not only to administrative proceedings, but to their Brandeis goggles as well.

Yeah, we got nothing this week Several weeks ago, an astute Justice reader reported on our Web site that the editorial board clearly did not have much to write about given the subject we had chosen for one of our editorials.

The person who commented suggested that perhaps we should have written one editorial for the week instead of pretending that a lack of space to shelve books in the Farber library was of utmost concern to the University community. Maybe there were bigger problems in the library that could have been addressed.

That very diligent reader was absolutely right. It was a “pretty slow week,” as he or she suggested, and the Justice editorial staff was truly at a loss for something worthwhile to write about.

Pachanga and its hoards of drunk, belligerent attendees was still on the horizon, the committees of acronyms were still quietly sifting through documents waiting to launch the school into academic mayhem, and Diana Aronin had successfully been booted from office. Or had she? We decided that the student body’s revolt against the whim of the Senate was irrelevant.

Nothing interesting occuring The whining had ended for the moment, and the school had come to a bit of a standstill. Thus, this week we are going to take that wise reader’s words to heart and ignore standard procedure.

We will forgo any attempt at an editorial because there is nothing worthwhile to say and the University is not going to lift itself out of the hole it is in anytime soon. There is nothing this board can say that will make a difference, so it is a waste of our time and yours to research a topic, conduct interviews and then write something.

Had the Board of Trustees, administrators, staff, faculty and students taken to heart some of the wise advice this board had offered in the past, perhaps the University would not be struggling as it is now.

Alas, these suggestions go unnoticed, and therefore, this week this board is going to sit back, relax and let the University fend for itself. So that is all we have to say. Good luck, Brandeis.

Below are some cute puppies we put in to fill space. Check ’em out!

PROLEMURIS HANDLER/Glow-in-the-dark monkey

Budget cuts are stupid Omaticaya

AMLANKUSUM ONE OF THE CLAN

The other day I was having activist sex with my boyfriend—well, we weren’t legit screwing yet, but we were about to.

We had just finished a four-hour naked conversation about social justice and were about to get to the sex part of our Thursday night ritual.

Anyway, my boyfriend just starts bawling. Bawling! He usually cries at some point when we’re doing it, but never that early.

So I asked him what his deal was. Was it his nervousness about the then-upcoming health care vote? His sadness about the evils of imperialism’s long-lasting consequences?

I just didn’t know what it could be. I mean, he doesn’t usually start to cry about the Palestinian struggle until after I orgasm at least twice. This was definitely strange.

He then told me that he was upset because the University was having some budget problems and might be cutting some things.

At first I thought that was just totally funny, but then I realized that it just might be true, and then I thought, “Like, wait, no way, man,” and now I’m just as angry as an un-free Tibetan monk about the whole thing, especially because people are thinking about cutting some of our majors.

I don’t really know math that well, and I haven’t really read the school news that much in the last little while. I’m way more into my activism and my sex and my activist sex.

It’d been a while since I read the capitalist-biased media—okay, like two years, but don’t judge. We’re all human beings here. Let’s avoid addressing our moral differences and be friends.

So returning to my point: I read up on all this like bigbusiness-esque budget stuff that was going on. It turns out the evil, money-minded administration is maliciously trying to cut amazing majors to save some money. And that’s super-wrong.

I forget which ones they actually want to cut, but the specifics here don’t matter.

It’s not about detail; it’s about principle. Money is evil in all circumstances, except for those in which we need it to keep up things that we like, such as these majors. So it’s obviously wrong for the University to stop supplying money to any major that any person likes. There’s no room for even debating this issue. It’s simple. At all costs, we must defend any major that at least one person likes.

And I like everything, because everything is really all one thing when you think about it like that, so we have to save all the majors.

Here is what we have to do: Protest. It’s the right thing to do, and it’s effective.

Think back to last year when the University tried to close the Rose Art Museum. Students took action and protested. Posters were printed. Facebook groups were formed. Funerals were held. Tears were shed. Angry letters were written. People gathered and shouted about shit because it mattered.

And look what happened: The University totally and completely apologized for the entire thing and promised that they would never ever even consider selling any artwork ever again no matter what—all because students protested.

So friends, now is the time for us students to join together.

I already consider myself joined together with everyone because I’m a liberal, socialistically communal anarchist.

We pay like $50,000 a year to go here (or our parents do— I mean, I would never pay that much for education because I’m a liberal, socialistically communal anarchist).

We need to make sure that no one does anything bad to our majors. For serious.

We’re living in some like really, really crazy times, guys. Today they may come for someone else’s major, but if you don’t speak up because you’re not in that major, when they come for your major, then no one will be left to speak up for it.

But right now I’m going to get back to bed for some more activist action, if you catch my sexy gist.

OP-BOX Quote of the Week “This is all about giving the academically and weightily challenged students who we have been accepting with increased frequency a chance to feel like they can excel in something.”

—Dean of Arts and Sciences Adam Jaffe referring to the newly added JBS track, the Charles River Apartment Project.

Brandeis Talks Back What do you think of the new proposal to cut the current fouryear degree option?

SHARRY HIPPSHMAN ’11 “I really, really don’t know what that is. Please don’t quote me. Just don’t. I’ll sound like a fucking ass.”

RASHRAH NAHMAN ’13 “I got wet.”

WILLIAM NASHRAHMAN ’12 “Why are you taking my picture? Seriously. Stop laughing. like that. What the hell is going on? Where am I?”

SHRAHNASH HAPPY SHIPPS ’10 “It made me really sleepy and kind of depressed, to tell you the truth.”

THE JUSTICE

●

THURSDAY, APRIL 1, 2010

A7

FORUM READER COMMENTARY Oh, the great Russian memories In response to the letter to the editor “Brandeis tuition seems to increase for no reason” (Forum, Jan. 16, 2007): Wow, this brings back some great memories! It seems like just yesterday I was watching all of these great shows, and more great shows. This homecoming theme has been so much fun!

—Russian Wives katelynriverani@googlemail.com

Russian opportunity for the future In response to your article “Disney shows true colors” (Forum, Oct. 2, 2007): I thank you for the opportunity to share a portion of my moments in time with future generations.

—Russian Wives hughmaddenxj@googlemail.com

Community greetings in Russian In response to your article “Lamb Chop, sexual education and birth control don't go together” (Forum, Nov. 6, 2007): Hello! I am glad that I’ve joined your community! See ya!

—Russian Wives bobbiecranexv@googlemail.com

I’m Russian and like your Web site In response to your article “Ethier and Kendrew seize the moment” (Arts, Mar. 10, 2009): Hello! first I want to send my best regard for all of you,and hope your sucsees in this area your site is very usiful for all of us.

—russian girlfriend juanmooneytn@googlemail.com

This is very distinctive, yes, very In response to your article “Stein cited in 2nd alcohol violation” (Arts, May 2, 2006): Your article is fine for all its distinctive features.

—russian girlfriend adamoconnor37@yahoo.co.uk

This news is very nice for Russia In response to your article “The Halloween capitol of the world” (Arts, Oct. 2, 2006): Yes i agree with you , and nice news thanks. This realy nice news , i watch for them .

—russian girlfriend josefgreene61@yahoo.co.uk

Jews, you should eat tasty pork

By COLONEL MILES MATZA EDITOR OF BADASS

Following 5 millennia (with change) the Godly decree prohibiting pork consumption for the “chosen people” should finally be lifted. Generations of Jews have died without having tasted the Lord’s private stock, which is just shameful. God forgave us, I think, when Adam and Eve ate some apples, so eateth just a little from the meat of knowledge and lo; ye shall see the righteous path.

The Bible is full of stuff that we’re not really supposed to do, like sacrifice animals or abstain from sex. I, with all my Biblical insight, along with a group of brave theological investigators from the yeshiva “Rancho del Porco Caliente” in Arizona, are engaged on an ideological crusade to free our chosen brethren from the ignorance that a porkfree lifestyle forces. Full discretion: I currently am a deliciousness researcher at the Institute for Tasty Treats, but my work has relied on the intellectual findings of those slovenly geniuses.

Today’s pig is more evolved than the Biblical pig, which was starved and diseased, as was just about everything back then. The pigs our ancestors were denied were not pink and juicy, but like the boars of Eastern Europe, ugly and hairy.

Throughout the Middle Ages, gentiles—often monks— bred pigs to be sweeter, crisper, and more attractive, for some reason. The human manipulation of pig DNA has continued into the 21st century, with laboratories attempting to counterbalance the sacred dining laws for the benefit of their fellow Jew-man. The resulting slab of bacon is incomparably different from that stuff Jah was hating on.

A team of rabbi-scientists based at the University of Upstate New York’s school of Noshables have been researching the origins and characteristics of today’s pig, and have attempted to use the famed intelligence of the pig to train it to behave more halachically, in accordance with God’s purity laws.

Some pigs have been trained to chew their cud, and due to the miracle of laser grafting, some pigs have had their curly tails removed and surgically attached to the backs of their ears. The UUNY school mascot is Moishela, a sow with engorged teats wearing a black hat and the traditional orthodox uniform.

In a presentation to religious scholars, biologists, and tastenicians on Saturday in

COLONEL MILES MATZA/Editor of badass

TASTY TREIF: Hillel President Matthew Feinberg ’10 serves up some ham and sausages at a Jew event.

Gerstenzang sponsored by the Deli Meats club and the Kosher Sherman staff, the rabbi/scientists announced their policy recommendations. Their advice for the Jewish people to begin gradually with pork holidays is interesting, but I would advise a farther leap. Rather than a week of Baconbased festivities I propose that pig be eaten frequently, and that certain times of years Jews be temporarily required to abstain from pork. Like piggy Lent, or Hog Kippur.

There are still some kinks in our technology. One out of every thousand pigs that are bred with genetically enhanced Judaism is born with a bacteria resistant to our scientific method. The H1N1 virus was accidently

created by us. (Yes we admit it, unlike those sneaky Hindu doctors who never took credit for Mad Cow disease, not to mention ebola!)

We also note that the evidence is not always conclusive and some of the religious logic may need work. For now tests must be done on a pig-by-pig basis, tireless work that I am proud to say my colleagues have tackled effortlessly. Hopefully with further investment from the Jewish community the animals can be humanely and mechanically butchered.

The hard work is done. The pig has been brought up to code. The hard work that I and my colleagues now face: the kosher cheeseburger.

SPORTS

Swimming and diving teams to practice in Yakus Pond

By SPEC-OPS STEINBERG MARINE OF THE FUTURE

In response to the planned termination of the swimming and diving program next summer, the team has committed to making Massell Pond its new home.

The status of the Swimming and Diving program had been in doubt since the indefinite closing of Linsey pool in October 2008, and numerous academic programs have suffered at the expense of needed travel costs for the 10-minute trip to Regis College, the swim team’s home for the past year and a half.

“We all knew this would happen eventually,” said Vice President and Chief Financial Officer Fran Drolette, who vainly wished to be cited anonymously, referring to the administration’s decision to end the program. “Blackmail and bribery can only get you so far.”

Rookie swimmer Daniel Danon ’13 says that the team has other plans. “We met the night after the [Eastern College Athletic Conference] championships and unanimously voted that we would screw the school and find somewhere else to swim,” said Danon. “It was actually Big Z who suggested Massell Pond as a possible home venue,” he said referring to Coach Jim Zotz by his affectionate nickname. “None of us could resist the idea of showing off our finely toned swimmer bodies to the increasingly attractive freshman class.”

“It seemed only logical,” said Zotz. “It would finally make some use of an otherwise useless and repugnant water source, and it would put us in close proximity to the delicious and refreshing catering of Sherman Dining Hall. Also, the circumference of the pond is the exact length of a regulation swimming pool.”

Men’s captain Jesse Hershman ’10 and women’s captain Siobhan Lyons ’10, both of whom will be graduating at the end of this semester, are disappointed that they will not be able to take advantage of this great opportunity.

“Massell Pond is like a hallowed ground,” said

Hershman. “Brandeis legends have trudged into its murky depths and have emerged mostly unmutated to take their place in the student hall of heroes.”

Lyons remarked that she would like to be a part of this transition but is happy her teammates will get to be a part of something important in Brandeis history. “It has long been known that Massell Pond is dangerous, full of unknown animals and enough nuclear waste to power the science center for a decade,” said Lyons. “So it will be a proud moment to see my teammates persevere nonetheless and make the pond a championship-caliber pool.”

The team has worked in collaboration with the Athletics department to deal with the issue of freezing during the winter months. According to Aaron Bennett ’11, the team’s spokesman, “Thanks to the exceptional cooperation from the Brandeis Athletic department and the members of the University Athletic Association, we have found a way to move meets to the spring season,” said Bennett. “We will therefore be practicing in the fall, and we hope to be running an intramural curling league in the winter.”

Bennett proceeded to create a Facebook group for curling at Brandeis but was forced to take it down after the Brandeis student body responded with harsh use of the newly added “dislike” button.”

An aide loyal to still-President Jehuda Reinharz wished to have this message passed along to the team: “If you assholes think you can just go behind the Administration’s back and make such a drastic move, you are very wrong.

You all should just watch your backs because eventually you’ll get what’s coming to you.

Yeah.”

A few of swimmers expressed their intentions to hold a practice in Massell Pond later this month. “We just want to get a feel for the water,” said Danon. “And we hope to get a pretty decent turnout of fans to raise a unanimous middle finger to all of those people who have put obstacles in our way.”

PHOTO ILLUSTRATION BY TREE OF VOICES KRELL/Talking plant supervisor

YUCKY YAKUS: Members of the Swimming and Diving Team prepare to enter the toxic waters of Massell.

the

Justice

Jehuda Reinharz University President

MAX BREITSTEIN MATZA/the Justice