The Justice - April Fools Edition 2011

ARTS PAGE 21B

NUDE Harlan Flasher caught with pants down 48

PACHANGALAND

ELDERS Lawrence to appoint supreme council 1.1 The Redundant

and

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to

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Justice

Volume FML, Number 14109722

www.thejustus.org

Friday, April 1, 2011

<-- It’s Friday, Friday!

STUDENT LIFE

University recognizes campus Greek life ■ Following a game-changing

move by the administration, bros around campus have begun stockpiling Gordon’s vodka in preparation for this weekend’s parties.

By FIONA FELDMAN INSTITUTIONAL RESEARCH EDITOR

In a campuswide e-mail last Thursday, University President Frederick “the Law” Lawrence announced that the University will officially recognize all Greek life on campus.

Since the announcement, Greek organizations have reopened rush periods and the Greek Awareness Council reported that 250 students replied that they would be attending the rush events via Facebook.

Now that Greek students are able to wear their letters in public venues, it is becoming clear how big Greek life was before the recognition, as clubs across campus host parties sponsored by different sororities and fraternities.

The Punk, Rock n’ Bro Club, formally known as the Punk, Rock n’ Roll Club, which is comprised of Greek students primarily from Alpha Delta Phi, immediately moved

to book Asher Roth and 3OH!3 for a concert next weekend in Cholmondeley’s.

In an interview with the Justice, Scott Broglesby ’12 of Punk, Rock n’ Bro said that he is “ecstatic” to see 3OH!3 play in Chum’s.

“I really like the change in genre,” Broglesby said. “It used to be that WBRS and Punk, Rock n’ Bro booked a lot of independent, hip bands, but now it’s music I can really dance to. This should happen more often.”

The International Club, which does not have a large amount of Greek affiliations but was happy with the historical change, met with

Dean of Student Life Rick Sawyer to propose “Fratchanga,” an event that would mark the official beginning of Greek life on campus and include much more alcohol than previously featured at an on-campus party.

In an effort to minimize underage drinking at the party, the I-Club executive board proposed hanging up signs that would read, “Must be 21 to drink” and requiring that all drinks be taken in the form of keg stands to keep track of the alcohol intake of every student. Students present at the event would be encouraged to take part in a community-service event early the next morning to help disadvantaged children in poor

international communities.

Incoming first-years of the Class of 2015 will be expected to adapt to the immediate changes—in an effort to acclimate first-years, the GAC has scheduled a “brorientation.” This will educate incoming students about how to prevent walks of shame, how to avoid party fouls and how to study the best-engineered beer pong techniques so that they are prepared should they either rush a fraternity or sorority or attend their events. The council has also proposed changing the term “first-year” to “pledge” to promote

See GREEK, A3 ☛

all about

OLYMPIC DREAMS

FRED INAUGURATION PREVIEW A8

STUDENT LIFE

Report finds student body major alcoholics, druggies ■ Committee members

believe Brandeis still has the potential to increase its drug use to state-school levels.

ASHER ADAMS/Associate Dean Editor

LINSEY WHO?: A Brandeis swimmer practices in the innovative Usdan Pool, a staple of the campus’ newly built Olympic Village.

By FREDERICK FROMM

Brandeis submits bid for 2020 Summer Olympics

The Alcohol and Drug Policy Committee released its anticipated report on its website Friday morning, and the shocking content of the report has disheartened the community.

Among the findings of the report, which details the extent of alcohol and drug use on the Brandeis campus, is the fact that 38.4 percent of Brandeis undergraduates and 23.2 percent of faculty have smoked marijuana at least once during class. The report also notes that 47.2 percent of the graduating Class of 2011 has had drunken sex with a stranger or recent acquaintance at a campus party.

Prof. Len Saxe (Heller), the committee’s chair, expressed disappointment with these figures, which he called “unacceptable and a blemish on this university’s image” in an interview with the Justice.

■ Muggle odds-makers put

Brandeis as favorite to host the games because of its world class quidditch and swimming facilities.

By JEFFREY SOUSA ATHLETICS EDITOR

The University has officially submitted a bid to host the 2020 Summer Olympics, University President Frederick Lawrence announced in a campuswide e-mail yesterday.

Lawrence wrote in the e-mail that the University’s significant investments in upgrading the athletic infrastructure convinced him to submit the bid.

“We believe that we have some

See OLYMPICS, A7☛

See REPORT, A2☛

V-Card for the V-Store

Inauguration mishap

Sherman poops

Dining Services announces V-Card frequent shopper program for the new P.O.D. Market in the Village.

 Martin Lawrence inaugurated as eighth University President.

Frederick Martin Lawrence sues University for breach of contract.

 Sherman will stop putting laxatives in food after Facilities complained of clogged toilets.

CHASTITY 69 For pot or booze call (502) 836-6023

PRESIDENT IN CHIEF

“In all honesty,” Saxe explained, “I expected these percentages to be significantly higher. Only 38 percent?” he asked rhetorically, referring to the statistic on undergraduates lighting up in class. “When I was a college student in the ’70s, we would drop acid during a midterm. I am highly unimpressed with this student body,” he said before taking a small bite from a brownie on his desk.

Another key figure in the report showed that 89.1 percent of students have required the Brandeis Emergency Medical Corps due to an alcohol-related incident, although committee member and BEMCo Director Seth Merker ’11 explained in an interview with the Justice that these figures are misleading.

“While it’s true that nearly nine out of 10 students have been treated

by BEMCo for alcohol intoxication, seven of those were at Pachanga, and the eighth was probably at a BEMCo party,” Merker said as he washed off a funnel with a length of plastic tubing attached to it.

The other undergraduate on the committee, Heddy Ben-Atar ’11,

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We just fired ours. Apply online at www.thejustice.org

INAUGURATINDEX

PREZFRED ROW E

FREDILICIOUS :) FREDTACULAR ;)

FREDTASTIC 8-) INFREDULOUS o.O

FREDUNCULOUS :-P FREDACIOUS :(

INFREDDIBLE :D FREDERIFIC :3

TOILET HUMOR 3D COPIED AROUND 4AM STOLEN FROM BRANDEIS. Bring this shit back!

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FRIDAY, APRIL 1, 2011

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THE JUSTICE

NEWS BRIEF

POLICE LOG

Hiatt Career Center staff offers drop-out counseling hours

Medical Emergency

The Hiatt Career Center took its mission to help students find successful, rewarding careers after college to a new level when it announced the beginning of its drop-out hours last week in an e-mail sent to the student body by Dean of Career Services Joseph Du Pont.

Drop-in hours have long been an important way for students to seek advice when it comes to crafting the perfect résumé, finding internships or role playing (interview style), but these new drop-out hours offer something totally distinct, Du Pont said in an interview with the Justice.

“Drop-out hours provide students with a venue to discuss the possibility and implications of dropping out of college in favor of entering the ‘real world’ a bit sooner than their peers,” Du Pont said.

Hiatt drop-out hours will be held the sixth Friday of every month from 3 p.m. to 5 p.m. A Hiattapproved resume and Psychological Counseling Center evaluation are required for all drop-out candidates.

Hiatt drop-out hours are designed for students who feel like “higher education is simply not working out for them,” Du Pont said.

Du Pont added, “Hiatt realizes that the college degree isn’t for everyone. The 4 years students spend intensively studying and/or drinking out of a keg might be better spent doing something else beyond college. Our role at Hiatt is to help guide students on whatever path best suits them whether that includes a $250,000 degree or not.”

To help students accept the decision to leave college, Hiatt staff reminds students that some of the most brilliant, successful individuals of our time did not graduate from college. “Look at Bill Gates or Mark Zuckerberg, for example,” Du Pont said.

Although he later added, “just to be clear, most of these individuals did in fact graduate from college.

It is important to remember in times like these that Bill Gates and Mark Zuckerberg are the exception and not the rule. But who would know? According to 45 percent of the American people, our president is a secret Muslim extremist who grew up in Kenya.

Anything’s possible.”

Prof. Ellen Wright (PSYC) said in an interview with the Justice that the “college years are a time of introspection and experimentation during which young adults ask themselves ‘Who am I? What do I want out of life?’ It is perfectly natural that the answers for some people lie outside and beyond college.”

Josh Berkowitz ’11 was one of several students who took advantage of Hiatt’s drop-out hours. He said in an interview with the Justice that he didn’t feel that he was gaining much from his coursework that he couldn’t just as easily learn from perusing a good library book or surfing the Internet. “I figured I could get the bulk of my education Good Will Hunting-style by reading at night and working as a janitor at [the Massachusetts Institute of Technology] by day.”

Berkowitz is very happy with his decision even though his parents are naturally worried and disturbed. “Where did we go wrong?” Mr. and Mrs. Berkowitz bemoaned in an emotionally wrought email to the Justice.

Although the addition of drop-out hours has been slightly controversial, Hiatt administration has expressed excitement toward future positive results with the program.

—Stacy Sizer

Apr. 1­ —A 21-year-old male in Ziv Quad requested BEMCo for severe abdominal pain after consuming what tasted like Four Loko. BEMCo and University Police responded and found a small, empty can of lighter fuel next to the victim’s bed. The victim was transported by ambulance to the Newton-Wellesley Hospital.

Apr. 1­—University Police asked the Waltham Police Department to assist with responding to a report of a torture in progress in the kitchen of the Usdan Café. Officers from both departments stormed the kitchen with weapons drawn and discovered a chef cooking a non-cage-free egg. The chef was detained and will be charged with cruelty to activists.

Apr. 1­—A 23-year-old female in East Quad requested BEMCo to her boyfriend’s room. University

Police and BEMCo responded to find a naked 19-year-old male facedown on the bed with his hands, feet and genitals tied to the bedposts and a lit candle protruding from his anus. BEMCo asked the female to describe the nature of the medical emergency, and she explained that she had cut her finger and it wouldn’t stop bleeding.

BEMCo treated the party on-scene with a signed refusal for further care, and the male will face University Judicial charges for lighting a fire in a residence hall.

Sustainability

Apr. 1­ —A community advisor in Deroy Hall reported an infestation of pests in the hall’s communal kitchen. Upon arrival, University Police discovered approximately 1,000 earthworms teeming inside a garbage pail in the kitchen. An exterminator was

called to dispose of the worms, and the garbage pail was sterilized.

Apr. 1­ —The University’s sustainability coordinator reported that a vermiculture composting bin in Deroy Hall had been destroyed. University Police realized it had made a terrible error and pretended to compile a report.

Miscellaneous

Apr. 1­—A University staff member reported that upon coming to work, he found that his office had been cleared of his belongings and an unknown male appeared to be inside. University Police responded and found the reporting party, President Emeritus Jehuda Reinharz, peering longingly into the Office of the President. The party was escorted off campus.

Apr. 1­—A staff member called to report that a pregnant woman had gone into labor in the Provi-

The Justice publishes three errors each week to keep readers on their toes. Found one? Let us know; you could be entered into a drawing to win a date with the editor of your choosing­­—as long as it’s a current or former Sports editor.

Justice

the

www.thejusticeneedsfood.org

The Justice is a very hungry student newspaper of Brandies University. The Justice is fed every Tuesday of the academic year with the exception of fast days and hunger strikes. Editor-in-chief dining hours are held Mondays from 3:30 to 4:30 p.m. in the Justice kitchen.

Editor News Forum Features Sports Arts Ads Photos Managing

headchef@justcuisine.org menu@justcuisine.org critic@justcuisine.org specials@justcuisine.org overweight@justcuisine.org ambiance@justcuisine.org annoying@justcuisine.org munchies@justcuisine.org waiters@justcuisine.org

We’re justHungry Brandeis University Mailstop 4003 KFC Bucket 549110 Waltham, MA 02454-9110 Phone: (781) 736-FOOD

—compiled by Frederick Fromm

SENATE LOG

Senate funds SMR to find missing senators

CORRECTIONS AND CLARIFICATIONS n An article in News incorrectly referred to Sunday as the day after Friday. The Justice thanks Rebecca Black for catching the error. n An article in Sports, “Men’s basketball defeats Duke,” contained a reporting error, as the Athletic Department at Brandeis was actually cut years ago. n An article in News slightly misquoted an administrator. University President Emeritus Jehuda Reinharz did not say, “Fuck this school and everyone involved with it,” but rather “I wish everyone the best of luck.” n An article in News next week will incorrectly name Bob Barker as this year’s Commencement keynote speaker. We apologize in advance.

sions on Demand Market. BEMCo and University Police responded to the Usdan Student Center, found nothing unusual and dismissed the call as a prank. University Police received a report 1 hour later from a caller that a woman had just given birth in the Village P.O.D. Market.

Apr. 1­—A caller in the Usdan Student Center reported a concert in progress in the Levin Ballroom.

University Police responded to the scene and found two suspicious males with laptop computers surrounded by several speakers, a video screen and a large group of students in a darkened Levin. University Police quickly turned on the lights, disconnected the speakers and asked all of the students to wait in the Levin coat room until further notice.

The face of a celebrity

TALI LOVETT/Paparazzi Editor

Associate Dean of Badass Jamele “The Shizzle” Adams instructs his class in a new lecture series titled “BMOC: The Trials and Tribulations of being a Brandeisian Superstar.”

Student Union Senators affiliated with Greek life mimicked their colleagues in Wisconsin on Sunday and fled the Shapiro Campus Center in order to avoid a vote on the recognition of the Greek Awareness Council.

Executive chauffeur Abraham Berin ’11, who controls the University Police and Escort Services, proposed an emergency Senate Money Resolution funding bounty hunters to chase senators Shekeyla “DPhiE” Caldwell ’14, Mitchell “PhiPsi” Schwartz ’14, Rosby “ZBT” Kome-Mensah ’14, Liya “SDT” Kahan ’12 and Lisa “KBG” Melmed ’12 across campus.

Student Union President Daniel Acheampong ’11 reported to the Senate that the fleeing of the Senators is a “very bad situation that should be resolved by the community.”

“We listened to students’ issues and we need a pool,” he added.

In the absence of the Greek senators, a quorum could not be formed, and the Senators proceeded to discuss an emergency SMR that would provide $4,000 for kosher lamb and prime rib sandwiches at their next meeting.

The emergency SMR was tabled because there was no quorum, but a survey of the senators indicated that it would be approved unanimously.

Sahar Massachi ’11 dressed up as a gorilla and sat outside the Senate meeting to protest. The gorilla then physically forced the Senators to vote in a Justice League survey.

When the Greek senators were located and returned, the Senate unanimously chartered the Cage Free Egg Society. The club was organized to provide cage-free eggs in the mailboxes of every student. A student stationed in the mailroom would then coerce students to immediately eat the eggs.

The Jewish Voice for Peace, which has a clause in its constitution that promotes boycotts of caged-egg farms, was also recognized under the CFES umbrella.

—Andrew Grimes

REPORT: Drug and Alcohol Committee gets high CONTINUED FROM A1 could not be reached by press time, though a prepared statement Ben-Atar had posted on her Facebook wall listed her as “GETTINN CRUNKKKKK!!!!” Three members of the Board of Trustees had liked the post by press time.

In an interview with the Justice, Director of Public Safety Ed Callahan, also a member of the committee, focused his dismay on chapter 3 of the report, which describes illegal activities directly related to alcohol and drugs.

“Three students were arrested last semester due to alcohol charges,” Callahan wrote. “That is simply pathetic. Either my staff is not doing its job properly or students just aren’t partying as hard as they used to.”

Callahan described one night in 2004, when 12 students were

arrested after what he called “an all-out drunken brawl” with University Police. “Now that was a night,” he recalled with a smile.

“I’m not even sure who was more intoxicated that night, the students or my officers. … It was probably the greatest calculus study party we ever broke up.”

Callahan then lit what appeared to be a homemade cigarette, blew a few smoke rings and resumed the interview. He admitted that University Police and the student body were on “not-so-friendly terms” after that incident, but that “student-officer relations were restored after [Public Safety] hosted an event in the Usdan Gameroom … with some ping pong and foosball.

Who doesn’t like foosball?”

Student Union president Daniel Acheampong ’11 said in an interview, “I think the 63-percent

figure of the number of students who regularly use hard drugs is a great start, but if this student body comes together and really puts their all into it, I think by the end of the semester we can get that number above one-half.”

Acheampong said the Union Senate will be stuffing mailboxes next week with crackpipes with the URL of the new Union website printed on the side and that he has begun working with both Aramark and Peer Education for Responsible Choices on planning an event to be held next month called Know Your ’Shrooms.

According to the committee’s website, the “report will be completed before the end of the fall 2010 semester.” When asked why the committee released its report later than its target date, Saxe explained that the committee actually completed its report on time

but that University President Frederick Lawrence took nearly 4 months to review the report.

Senior Vice President for Communications Andrew Gully wrote in an e-mail to the Justice, “President Lawrence took the time to personally ensure that the entire report was completely accurate, particularly Appendix C,” which lists the best strains of marijuana grown in the City of Waltham.

The Justice attempted to interview Lawrence in his new office, which currently features tightly insulated windows and a smoke detector covered with a plastic shopping bag; however, Lawrence was unable to comment on anything during the interview besides what he said was the most shocking aspect of the committee: “There are only 13 people on that committee. How the hell are two of them named Constance?”

THE JUSTICE

the community regarding the new worms on campus have caused East bugs to be sad.

By JILLIAN JAFFE DEAN OF THE EDITORS

ASHER ADAMS/Associate Dean Editor

FISH FREEDOM: Plans for a large tank to be built in the middle of the Great Lawn will give fish the freedom they deserve.

Fish survey distributed free eggs campaign has led to a new focus on the hardships of tank-bred fish.

By LEAH LYNCH HELLER WRITER

The Brandeis Real Food Coalition circulated an e-mail survey to all undergraduate and graduate students last week to gauge whether students would support a proposal that would ask the University to commit to serving only tank-free fish.

The survey asked students to “think seriously about our treatment of fish,” and asked whether students would be willing to spend an extra $75 each semester to construct a “freerange pool” on the Great Lawn.

The BRFC is comprised of a group of students who have been known to advocate for what they call “food justice.” Seth Grande ’12, who was responsible for the cage-free eggs campaign last semester, is spearheading this new initiative.

According to Grande, free-range pools are “basically giant swimming pools for fish. … They are kept at a cool and comfortable temperature, and they leave ample space for the fish to swim as they please.”

In an interview with the Justice, Brandeis Swimming Club member Marc Eder ’12 said, “this honestly sounds like the most ludicrous thing I have ever heard. This university doesn’t have a pool, and here these guys want to charge every student to build one for a few fish.”

In an interview with the Justice, Grande said, “the current treatment of fish on campus is morally reprehensible. Seventy-five dollars is not much to ask for fish freedom.”

Jeremy Schmidt ’14, who has been

A3

BS Fund proposals encounter problems ■ Positive reactions from

working with Grande on the project, said that students should be more sensitive to the way we treat our seafood.

“Tank life is rough. … I know if I were a fish, I would not want to be stuck in such a cramped habitat,” Schmidt said in an interview with the Justice. “If you ask me, it’s our responsibility to make sure that the fish we eat are happy,” he added.

Food activists on campus have objected to the poor treatment of the fish we eat. According to a flyer distributed in students’ mailboxes by the Real Food Coalition, “Fish are kept in tanks their entire lives; … these tanks are no larger than this tiny piece of neon paper. Fish are confined to these claustrophobic conditions, and suffer because of it.”

The BRFC’s survey also details plans for a massive 20,000-square foot pool to be built on campus. The pool, designed to provide “optimal conditions for the growth of fish,” is meant to be a more humane option for the fish. According to Sustainability Coordinator Janna Cohen-Rosenthal ’03, it will also double as a wastewater treatment plant in order to halve Brandeis’ freshwater intake.

In an interview with the Justice, Senior Vice President for Administration Mark Collins said, “I don’t really understand how building a giant pool on the Great Lawn is ‘tankfree,’ but if ‘freeing’ the fish is going to further the University’s image as a school for social justice, the administration is backing the proposal 100 percent.”

Despite having the support of the administration, many students have rejected the new tank-free fish proposal. Seth Merker ’11, clinical supervisor and director of the Brandeis Emergency Medical Corps, noted that “the probability of a member of the Brandeis community drunk-

FRIDAY, APRIL 1, 2011

STUDENT LIFE

FROM CAGE-FREE TO TANK-FREE

■ The success of the cage-

●

enly swimming with the fishes on the Great Lawn is of great concern.

Frankly, I don’t see how we in BEMCo could afford a deep water rescue apparatus and its associated training.”

Director of Public Safety Ed Callahan agreed, saying, “The University Police simply does not have the capabilities to deal with the kind of disasters that would result from having a gigantic pool in the middle of the Great Lawn. We already have our hands full with episodes in Massell Pond.”

The Brandeis Fake Food Coalition, which, according to its constitution, was founded “to protect students from the Real Food Coalition’s infringement on their rights to eat foreign and man-made foods,” has also joined in the debate. Said President Charlie Kivolowitz ’11: “First they tried to put all natural, organic, pesticide-free, free-trade cane sugar into our Coca-Cola. Now they are trying to free the fish. Tanked fish are delicious, and we will not stand for this blatant disregard for Brandeis’ eating rights!”

Despite major opposition, Grande and the self-proclaimed campus “freepescafists” are pushing forward with the proposal.

“I’m really shocked by the opposition to our free-fish initiative on campus. The way tanked-fish are produced is inhumane and contrary to the values of our university,” says Grande.

Grande and his pro-fish associates hope to have the proposal passed by April 1. “The longer we wait on this, the more the fish suffer,” Grande says.

In a final, parting interview with the Justice, University President Emeritus Jehuda Reinharz simply said, “No,” before announcing that he would be auctioning off the Great Lawn to increase University revenue.

Several proposals of the Brandeis Sustainability Fund have experienced mixed results upon recent implementation, President of OnCampus Environmental Activist Nuts Melinda Tentrees ’11 said in an interview with the Justice.

The BS Fund was created last year, and pools students’ money to pay for environmentally sustainable projects.

One project that was recently implemented is the “Teamworm” proposal. In early March, 1,000 red wigglers, or vermiculture worms, were flown first class from Ohio to Logan International Airport where they were picked up and escorted to Brandeis by President Emeritus Jehuda Reinharz.

In the past few weeks alone, the worms have composted enough dirt to fill a shoebox, “which is way more than we had hoped for,” Brandeis Sustainability Coordinator Janna Cohen-Rosenthal ’03 said in an interview with the Justice. According to Director of Community Living Erika Lamarre, the worms have also served as a source of catharsis for students.

“Worms are really good listeners,” Lamarre said, “and I’m hopeful that they will be a strong resource for students for many years to come.” The worms did not respond to repeated requests for comment.

Inspired by the instant success of the worms, researchers believe East bugs could produce similar results.

However, according to Monty Jack, a behavioral therapist hired for the study, the East bugs have not been responsive to composting training and have been uncooperative. “They’re feeling underappreciated by the student body, since students typically run away screaming when they see them, whereas the worms are trusted and loved enough to live in the kitchens of several dorms,” he said.

Researchers hope to overcome this issue by increasing the number of East bugs in both the Hassenfeld and Pomerantz Residence Halls by 30 percent. “Hopefully, if students are more accustomed to them, they’ll react differently, and the East bugs will feel more at home,” Jack said.

Dean of Student Life Rick Sawyer said in an interview with the Justice, “students should expect to encounter many more East bugs in the showers and in their dorm rooms. Students should learn to triple-check their food before eating it in case an East bug slips onto their plate or into their food supply,” he added.

Another accepted proposal of the BS Fund, called “Edgy Veggies,” allows students who are quadruple majors to grow herbs and vegetables in the garden behind Massell Quad during the winter. “Gardening is very therapeutic,” Lamarre said. “The amount of stress on students is just so unnecessary; hopefully planting

in the dead of winter will alleviate the problem.”

Dining Services made a commitment to Libby Cauvet ’13, who proposed “Edgy Veggies,” to use herbs and vegetables grown in the Massell garden in most, if not all, of the dishes prepared at the Usdan student center, according to Food Service Director of the Usdan Café and Boulevard Sherry Toscano.

However, according to the March 25 University Police Log, it was reported that most of the vegetable garden was torn up and destroyed by a rabbit.

According to Director of Public Safety Ed Callahan, the police are still searching for the culprit, who is now being referred to as Rosemary the Rabbit. In an interview with the Justice, Callahan said, “The damage Rosemary did to the garden is extensive. She’s still on the loose; we urge students to report any suspicious rabbit behavior to Public Safety.”

As a direct result of the March 23 incident, Usdan was forced to shut down indefinitely due to the loss of ingredients. Toscano said in an interview with the Justice, “We won’t be able to resume service until we receive a shipment of fresh, natural, organic, in-season, cage-free, locallygrown and socially just vegetables, which could take some time.”

In a student poll conducted by the Student Union to determine the effects of the Usdan hiatus, the nine students who responded all said they didn’t even notice that Usdan has been closed, since, as one student put it, “it’s rarely open to begin with.”

In response to the “Pedal to the Shtetl” BS Fund proposal, which encourages students to ride bikes instead of driving on campus, a group of students recently formed the CARS committee, which does not actually stand for anything and is completely unrelated to the administration’s academic restructuring committee formed several years ago.

Eleviza Susmelacchi ’11, president of Let’s Create Controversy About Everything and one of the students who formed CARS, explained that the BS Fund “violates the principle of social justice for which Brandeis stands because it mandates that all students contribute to something they may not stand for.”

CARS recently donated a large amount of money, which Susmelacchi declined to disclose, to the Department of Facilities Services to build a new double-decker parking lot on campus. This donation was made specifically in opposition of the “Pedal to the Shtetl” proposal and to encourage more driving on campus, Susmelacchi said.

Despite the controversy, the BS Fund Board is already discussing proposals for next year. According to Cohen-Rosenthal, the proposals so far include: eliminating all trash cans and recycling receptacles on campus to be replaced by composting bins; installing bed bugs in each dorm bed so that composting of crumbs can take place 24/7 (“even when we are asleep”); and limiting the number of times students living on campus are permitted to flush toilets and take showers in order to preserve water.

GREEK: Changes to be made to Orientation, Rose Art Museum CONTINUED FROM A1 awareness about the larger role that Greek life will be taking on campus as more students become involved in the process. Additionally, Orientation Leaders will now be joined by Brorientation Leaders to ensure a smooth transition.

One sweeping change that will affect all students is that all firstyears will be required to partake in library hours, a staple of current Greek pledge regimes.

“The work ethic that fraternities instill in their members is something that should be spread throughout the whole Brandeis community,” Student Union President Daniel Acheampong ’11 said in an interview with the Justice.

He continued, “also, I understand that they hold very successful fun-

draisers; I hope they can help raise money to repair the [Lindsey] pool.”

“We saw a lot of positive aspects of Greek life that weren’t being replicated in other aspects of the Brandeis community,” Sawyer said in an interview with the Justice.

“What we’re seeing now is that Greek life is something that a lot of students wanted, and we’re happy that they have it.”

Another change will be the addition of the interview portion of the pledge process across the campus. Many clubs have scheduled their own Thirsty Thursdays at The Stein, where students planning on joining different campus organizations will be urged to interview older students to learn the history of the club and what has been done in recent years. The Waltham Group, in particular, is looking closely at

this change and is considering administering an exam with questions about the founders of the group before students are allowed to join the listserv.

The most significant changes on campus, however, will occur in the Rose Art Museum. It is being renamed the Brose Art Museum, and fraternities will be able to bring the relics of their Greek organizations into the museum to be put on display.

In an interview with the Justice, Collections Manager and Registrar Kristin Parker said that “Greek life on campus is thrilled to have their pieces on display. So far, we have plans to display the first beer pong table used at Brandeis and an ice luge sculpture, which will fit perfectly into our current ‘Waterways’ display.”

ASHER ADAMS/Associate Dean Editor

AFTERPARTY: Brosenthal Quad residence halls have been converted to frat houses.

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FRIDAY, APRIL 1, 2011

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THE JUSTICE

‘Weeks’ Week

Ever wanted to hold a special campuswide Week for your club but didn’t know how? In order to encourage students to plan more Weeks, and also to alleviate the pain and confusion of coordinating Weeks, the Department of Student Activities has implemented Weeks Week, a weeklong celebration of weeklong celebrations. Students have the opportunity to reserve any week during the semester to celebrate, advocate, argue, encourage, discourage, lobby, rally, perform, show off, educate and irritate on behalf of their club or organization.

Here are previews of select Weeks to look out for on campus next semester and a calendar to visually guide you through our busy schedule.

Note: December has been reserved for Israeli-Palestinian Conflict Month.

University holds weeklong celebration of weeklong celebrations

By REBECCA BUNIS

September Sunday

Monday

4

Tuesday

5

Wednesday

6

Thursday

7

Friday

Bleak Weak Sponsored by the Bleak Student Association Tired of people making assumptions that all Brandeis students care passionately about social justice? Ready to speak out on behalf of all those who never cared about the same cliché bullshit? Rid yourself of all that rhetoric and hit up our events during Bleak Weak: We’ll make sure you couldn’t care less.

Saturday

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3

8

9

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15

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22

23

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Community Week

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Orthodoxy Week Co-sponsored by the Brandeis Orthodox Organization, the Orthodox Christian Organization, the Greek Orthodox Organization, the Russian Orthodox Organization and the Dogmatic Atheism Association Come and study about various types of Orthodoxy. Learn about the foundations of Orthodox lifestyles, the different ways Orthodoxy manifests itself in secular contexts and how you can bring Orthodoxy into your own life, regardless of your religious or nonreligious affiliations. This is a great opportunity to meet Orthodox people of all faiths right in your own Brandeis backyard. Look out for an event schedule, coming soon!

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Justice Week Sponsored by the Justice, Justice League, Social Justice, Justice Louis D. Brandeis, Justice Brandeis Semester and Justice McDaniel ’12

Genital Week Sponsored by SSIS and the Department of Community Living Events will be held that honor gender-neutral considerations.

ROBYN REINHARZ/Editor Emeritus

October Sunday

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Squeak Week Sponsored by Student Sexuality Information Services and the Cheese Club Providing the Brandeis campus with unparalleled knowledge on the aural aspects of an orgasm.

Also featuring an all-you-can-eat Cheeses of the World buffet.

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MAX LOVETT/Paparazzi Editor

Pachanga Awareness Week Sponsored by the Pachanga Emergency Return Committee, the International Club and the Student Union Social Life Committee In light of the University’s decision to cancel Pachanga due to the unfortunate events that occurred on the night of last semester’s dance,

Committee Week Sponsored by Brandeis University For the first time ever, all committees now have the chance to form all at the same time. Receive advising on the best committee-forming strategy. Learn how to come up with clever acronyms. Engage with a community of committees and committee members. Get all the inside secrets on what really goes through the provost’s head when she reads your reports. This week will provide invaluable networking for all future committee meetings and events.

CHIEF OF STAFF

the newly formed Pachanga Emergency Return Committee (not affiliated with the other organization named PERC) will be hosting several events aimed at reversing this senseless decision. Look out for lobbyist training sessions, preceded by free, open bars serving exclusively Gordon’s vodka.

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ASHER ADAMS/Associate Dean Editor

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Hate Week Sponsored by the Department of Student Activities The same crew that brought you Kindness Day invites you to celebrate differences through violent rhetoric.

Inorganic Week Sponsored by the Brandeis Fake Food Coalition and the Brandeis Libertarian Conservative Union Following on the heels of Organic week, eat all the caged eggs and tanked fish you desire.

Fair Week Co-sponsored by the Hiatt Career Center, the Office of Study Abroad, Student Activities and the Waltham Group It’s that time of year again! You are invited to attend the Study Abroad Fair, the Job Fair, the Jobs with a Social Impact Fair, the Fall Involve-

ASHER ADAMS/Associate Dean Editor

ment Fair, the Winter Involvement Fair, the Spring Involvement Fair, the Community Service fair and the Community Connections Fair—all in one informative, stressful week!

Special appearances to be made by the FAIR Trade Brigade and the Brandeis Israel Public AfFAIRs committee.

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ROBYN REINHARZ/Editor Emeritus

THE JUSTICE

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FRIDAY, APRIL 1, 2011

A5

ARTS MUSIC

Black to bring noise, funk to SpringFest ■ Teenage pop superstar/

demigod Rebecca Black ’19 and Harvard laureate Antoine Dodson will play this spring.

By ROBYN REINHARZ EDITOR EMERITUS

Last Thursday, the day before Friday, the day after Wednesday, Student Events announced at Thirsty Thursday that the headliner for this year’s SpringFest concert will be teenage YouTube sensation Rebecca Black.

Black was reportedly asked to sing after being admitted early decision to the University for the Class of 2019.

Dean of Admissions Mark Spencer said that Black was admitted after submitting the lyrics to her hit single “Friday” as her application essay.

Spencer said in an interview with the Justice that the Office of Admissions “felt the message Ms. Black is expressing encompasses the Brandeis ideals of social justice and will help bring a new party scene to campus. We are looking forward to partyin’, partyin’, yeah!”

When Student Events Concerts Director Alyssa Folickman ’11 broke the announcement to the of-age members of the student body, as well as those carrying false identification, Brandeis Orthodox Organization President Daniel Kasdan ’13 dropped his kosher mozzarella sticks and flung his latkes in the air screaming, “We so excited!”

His enthusiasm caused food activist Seth Grande ’12 to drop his eggs, but he grinned and told the Justice, “At least they were cage-free.”

But the Jewish students in attendance balked once they heard about

the administration’s plan to move SpringFest to a Friday evening in honor of the star’s hit song. Hillel at Brandeis has announced its disappointment, and its president, Andrea Wexler ’11, said in an interview with the Justice that “students shouldn’t be forced to choose between Shabbat dinner and Rebecca Black. We’re concerned that if Black performs on a Friday night, there won’t be anyone attending services.”

Representatives from several Jewish groups on campus immediately issued statements pushing Black to change the name of her song to “Thursday.” “Why does it have to be Friday?”

Wexler asked. “Students shouldn’t be ‘getting down’ on Friday. Friday is a day for resting. I really wish that Rebecca had named the song ‘Wednesday’ or ‘Thursday.’ Besides, drinking on weekdays is more fun, anyway.”

Despite student concerns about the new changes, Stephanie Grimes, director of Student Activities, assured the afternoon crowd at The Stein that the concert will be “fun, fun, fun, fun.”

But because of the chaos of crowd surfing monsters at last year’s SpringFest, the University administration is also imposing seating assignments on Chapels Field.

“Should I kick it in the front seats, or should I chill in the back seats?”

Student Union President Daniel Acheampong ’11 pondered despite the very obvious fact that only the assigned presidential seat will be available to him. “I’ve got to make my mind up; which seat should I take?”

In an effort to make sure the student body knows when games are, the Athletics Department has elected to use Black’s song as the new Judges fight song for Friday sporting events. “At

this point, we’re just assuming people don’t know how to follow the days of the week,” said Director of Athletics Sheryl Sousa ’90, “that must be the reason we’re having such a low turnout.”

Since the February announcement that Pachanga will not be held this semester, the administration is concerned that there will be built-up hype around this year’s SpringFest since everybody’s lookin’ forward to the weekend. In order to preclude any problems from excessive partyin’, Dawn Skop, alcohol and drug counselor/educator at the health center and Orientation star extraordinaire, will open for Black. But thanks to the presentation by Heddy Ben-Atar ’11 to the Board of Trustees last week, the administration has agreed to supply alcohol to the student body.

The administration has also decided not to invite Patrice Wilson, the man who spontaneously starts rapping in Black’s music video. Andrew Gully, Senior Vice President for Communications said in an interview with the Justice, “We just don’t understand why this guy is singing with a 13-yearold girl. President Lawrence said that he found the man a tad creepy and felt it didn’t send the right message to the student body.”

Instead, the administration plans to bring autotuned rapper Antoine Dodson to balance out Black’s prepubescent spunk. According to Gully, Dodson will warn students about flashers in Harlan Chapel. “You don’t have to come and confess, we’re looking for you.”

—Jeffrey Sousa contributed reporting. Not really. But he gives us a lot of money, so we needed to plug his name in somewhere.

ASHER ADAMS/Associate Dean Editor

GETTIN’ DOWN: Rebecca Black plays to a sellout crowd at the TD Garden last month.

FOOD

Herman’s puts yo mama’s cooking to shame ■ The all-you-can-eat buffet

features an orgasm-inducing variety of many delightfully delicious delectibles.

By ELLY VAN DER MEID STUDY ABROAD WRITER

Thanks to the Justice, this reporter got a free meal at Herman’s, the chicest restaurant in a line of eateries to recently join the Waltham area. Herman’s, best known for its all-you-can-eat buffet and friendly workers, is home to many diverse characters who bring its patrons coming back day in and day out.

There’s the hip young waitstaff who make the food while you watch; the man who works the stir fry station, serving custom-order dishes; and, of course, the restaurant’s mascot, Jam the Monkey. Jam wanders around greeting customers waiting in line and offers rewards and prizes to select customers who are willing to offer feedback on the restaurant’s services.

Other attractions which bring customers to Herman’s are its location and accessibility. It sits in the very epicenter of Waltham, between the notably rusted office building to its left and the rows of tenementstyle apartment buildings to its right. Indeed, although it has not been here for long, it has already become a key part of the Waltham tour, demonstrating the city’s position on the small but booming dining establishment.

Customers are able to pay with meals or points, a system more advanced than even credit cards, which take mere seconds to swipe and require minimal interaction with the workers. Once inside, customers can choose between kosher and non-kosher dining; many choose kosher because of its quality, although the food from both sides gets rave reviews, winning customers’ hearts on a daily basis. I ordered the grilled cheese sandwich

on rye bread and was much impressed—especially with the speed.

(It only took 5 minutes, as the chef told me it would!)

For those who aren’t impressed immediately, Herman’s offers a suggestion board where customers can denote changes they would like to see; it has already undergone innovation since it was first created, what with new food stations, more gluten-free and vegetarian options and special themed days with exciting new options, all funded by the government itself. I lucked out and happened to be there during a make-your-own cereal ball day, during which customers hovered around to watch in excitement as specially trained chefs helped customers create their own custommade cereal balls (balls of cereal) at no extra charge! I got to make one with Lucky Charms.

All in all, what with free prizes, a colorful cast of employees and a large variety of food, one would think that Herman’s could make no enemies. However, some customers have already grown tired of Herman’s’ options and berate the dining system on which it runs.

As I walked to Herman’s, I noticed fliers with the phrase “Herman’s shits!” and other such graphic slander posted around. An interview with one such customer-turned-protester yielded some interesting information. Rather than boycotting Herman’s, these customers call for better and cheaper food, blaming the government for funding the establishment and for requiring them to frequent it. In addition, these customers go by the alias “Rebecca Rosengoldthalbergstein,” a patron who is in fact a gorilla. Herman’s’ own mascot, Jam the Monkey, can be none too pleased, but when I asked him to comment, he had none.

Overall, I give Herman’s 4 out of 5 stars for overall quality of food, service and atmosphere. We are pleased to have such wonderful dining options in the nearby area, and I believe that Herman’s’ success is

ASHER ADAMS/Associate Dean Editor

VEGETABLES ARE GROSS: Yeah, we don’t really understand why people eat them. But if you’re one of those weirdos who likes green food, get it at Herman’s. more than well deserved.

Why else would customers frequent this restaurant in such large numbers and on a regular basis?

ASHER ADAMS/Associate Dean Editor

A6

FRIDAY, APRIL 1, 2011

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THE JUSTICE

The Justice Brandeis University Established 1948

Frederick Fromm, President in Chief Rebecca Bunis, Chief of Staff Brian N. Gully, Communications Editor Emily Krauss, Provost Editor Jillian Jaffe, Dean of the Editors Nashrah Callahan, Security Editor Ian Hose, Executive Assistant Editor Asher Adams, Associate Dean Editor Robyn Reinharz, Editor Emeritus Fiona Feldman, Institutional Research Editor Sara Leiferman, Living Editor Dafna Drolette, Finance Editor Eitan Edmiston, Artful Editor Jeffrey Sousa, Athletics Editor Wei-Huan Winship, Advancement Editor Yosef Lovett and Tali Lovett, Paparazzi Editors Debra Godsoe, Academic Editor Marielle Magid, IBS Editor Cody Collins, Administration Editor Jessica Hutcheson, Cookie Editor Nan Du Pont, Hiatt Editorial Assitant Andrew Grimes Actvities Editorial Assistant Max Sawyer, Life Wrtier Stacy Sizer, Consul Writer Liz Lamarre, Community Writer Elly Van Der Meid, Study Abroad Writer Erica Grinberg, JBS Writer Leah Lynch, Heller Writer

NASHRAH CALLAHAN/Security Editor

Be nice to Fred and Decrease campus dining options Jehuda: Reopen the Rose Art Museum

The issue of improving dining services has received much attention in the past weeks. Many have requested a caterer change and modified meal plans, as well as increased options in Sherman Dining Hall and the Usdan Boulevard.

While this editorial board finds the desire for increased dining options to be respectable, it is ultimately not a worthwhile pursuit. Instead, this board feels that the University should work to decrease dining options on campus.

As it currently stands, food options on campus are far too plentiful. There are a plethora of different sources of nutrition that students can take advantage of. From the garden growing almost a pound of delectable herbs and vegetables behind Massell Quad to the wide availability of “Sicilian grinders” and “tuna on whole grain” sandwiches offered in the Provisions on Demand Market, and to the abundance of Luna Bars and various flavors of milk that can be purchased with a meal, it’s clear that students should have nothing about which to complain.

In fact, this board feels that students would be better off with fewer options.

Students who attend monastic universities often make do with a slice of bread and a cup of water a day. While none of the students on campus—to this board’s knowledge—have expressed an interest in becoming monks or nuns, this board feels that this simple lifestyle would benefit many Brandeisians, and should therefore be embraced.

Additionally, according to a recent study released by the Food and Drug Administration, “Students spend nearly 56 hours in a given semester standing around in cafeterias and convenience stores, without any real idea of what they want to eat.” In order to cut back on this giant waste of time, it would be best to limit the amount of food that is offered on campus. With fewer options presented to students, our community

Luna Bars will suffice

will become more efficient.

For instance, meals on campus allow students to purchase far too much food.

Under the current system, students are permitted to buy sandwiches, energy bars, yogurts and for the price of one meal. This ability spoils students far too much. In order to teach students a lesson in fending for themselves, this board suggests that meals permit students only the option to buy the necessary ingredients for their food or beverage. For instance, cranberry, apple and raspberry juice should be sold simply as cranberries, apples and raspberries, and tuna sandwiches as soggy bread, 3-day-old tuna and withered lettuce. In this way, students will be able to take what they get for their meal, and turn it into a meal themselves.

Furthermore, this board is outraged at the point-to-dollar ratio that dining services currently offers. Points are given far too much value in the current system. Students must be taught to appreciate the point more than they do now. The truth is, we would all benefit much more from a higher point to dollar ratio­—something along the lines of 5.3 points to a dollar would suffice.

Campus eateries should also function on more restrictive hours. For instance, Einstein Bros, Bagels is open far too long; the current opening time of 5 p.m. on Sundays should be pushed to 10:15 p.m. This will allow Einstein workers to avoid the stress that often comes with their jobs. The student body should be willing to make some sacrifices in this respect.

Overall, this board is displeased with the current excess of dining options on campus. Food services on campus are an important aspect of student life, and letting these clear problems go unnoticed is both irresponsible and reprehensible.

Appreciate Lawrence’s new ’do This board would like to commend University President Frederick Lawrence on what appears to be an excellent haircut that he received last Sunday.

Even though he must be incredibly busy with his hectic schedule, he still found the time for proper grooming.

We echo the sentiment expressed by Student Union President Daniel Acheampong ’11 when he said “It’s better than I could have done.”

Indeed, Mr. Lawrence’s new “look at me, I’m the president of a small liberal arts college that’s also a research university” style promises to help students from all walks of life. Additionally, this board feels that Mr. Lawrence’s fine shade of brown is far superior to former President Jehuda Reinharz’s

Brown is in the town paler shade of gray.

Donors are sure to fill out bigger checks in response to Mr. Lawrence’s new mane.

Additionally, this board encourages Mr. Lawrence to make frequent trips to the Carl J. Shapiro Admissions Center in order to attract future applicants to the University.

Moving forward, this board hopes that Mr. Lawrence will be able to maintain his impressive hairstyle.

Yes, it may seem like this board is desperately trying to find something with which to fill this weekly editorial space and that this just happened to be the best thing we thought of, but trust us: Fred’s hair is the real deal.

OP-BOX

Quote of the Week “I offered to circumcise him, but it just isn’t going to work out.”

—Baseball team outfielder Nick Cortese ’13 on former teammate Pat Seaward ’13 after Seaward was removed from the team for not being Jewish. (See Sports, page A7).

Weck

Brandeis Talks Back

CHAPLAINCY

What are you most excited for with the recognition of Greek Life on campus?

AMLANKUSUM

My boyfriend and I were in the middle of doing it the other day, and by “doing it,” I mean that we were having sex—really fantastic sex—on the floor of the Shapiro Campus Center elevator (it’s so much more comfortable than we thought).

Anyhow, despite the risk of maybe giving a little bit too much information, I’m going to let you know that I had the greatest and most exhilarating—and I mean ever, at least in my experience—epiphany of my life while in that elevator.

So the buildup to my epiphany started after my boyfriend started crying in the middle of everything because he remembered that Fred Lawrence’s inauguration as University president was happening later this week.

My boyfriend was really upset, and for a good reason. We already have a University president—Jehuda Reinharz.

I mean, I understand that Fred wants to be our president.

But we already have one, and I get that we don’t want to hurt Fred’s feelings because that’s not nice but we don’t really need two University presidents.

President Jehuda is doing a pretty decent job and, like, we just don’t need him to feel as though having one president is not enough. And going back to my really good point about not wanting to hurt people’s feelings—now that we have two presidents, aren’t Jehuda’s feelings getting to get hurt?

Basically, the whole thing with these multiple presidents just gets people’s feelings hurt and that’s really mean. So now I’m going to explain my epiphany.

Here we go. My epiphany: We just have to re-open the Rose Art Museum. They closed it, right? Yeah. I think.

Anyhow, I don’t really keep up with campus news, but I think I know what to do to get it re-opened.

It won’t be easy, but it’s really important that we do it because it’ll help fix the whole problem of having two presidents at once. People love art because art is really pretty and interesting, so if we re-open the Rose then neither Fred nor Jehuda will have their feelings hurt since they’ll be so happy about getting to go see the art at the Rose.

Obviously, since the University sold off all its art (I mean, they did, yeah?), to the corporate evil people serving on the University’s Board of Trustees and probably Marty Peretz ’59, it’s not going to be easy to get it all back. But fellow Brandeisians, we can do this!

All we have to do is start an online petition.

I’ve already started one on my new blog, socialjusticeelevatorsexbrandeis.org.

Basically, the petition says that all the people who bought all the art that the University sold like a million years ago should all please give it back to us so that some people will be more happy and good.

I even wrote as part of the online petition that if 100 people sign it, then all the people who bought art and stuff have to just give it back right away. So go sign it and make it your Facebook status that your friends have to sign it so that all the art will have to come back so that we Fred and Jehuda can both not be having their feelings hurt and they’ll both be presidents of Brandeis right now.

In conclusion, for the sake of social justice—of which I have a non-skewed, sophisticated political and philosophical understanding as someone smart enough to get into and take not one but two classes with Prof. Gordon Fellman (PAX)—we all need to go to my blog and sign the online petition so that all the bad people will give back all the good art so that University Presidents Lawrence and Reinharz can both not have their feelings hurt anymore.

Okay, I have to go meet someone in the Mandel Center for the Humanities now—talk about spacious elevators.

Jerry “The Humper” Wilkins ’13 “My Brothers and I think it’s really awesome, and we’re excited to tour the new Brose Art Museum.”

Jew Goldstein ’14 “I’m not a bro yet, I’m still a pledge, but I’m excited to throw down like a clown. Bring on the fresh tail.”

Mooselinni ’12 “I don’t know anything about it.”

Charlie Sheen ’86 “WINNING. Wait, what?

Do they have Tiger Blood?

Didn’t think so. You’re either in my Korner, or you’re with the trolls.”

—Compiled by Yosef Lovett Photos by Tali Lovett/ Paparazzi Editors

THE JUSTICE

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FRIDAY, APRIL 1, 2011

A7

FORUM READER COMMENTARY Recognize all I’ve done for you To the Editor: I just wanted to take advantage of this forum to remind the readers of the Justice that I still exist and that I still have feelings. Ever since we announced way back in July that Fred was going to be the next president, all the talk of the campus has just been Fred, Fred, Fred. “Oh boy, I can’t wait for Fred to take over!” or “Fred just made an amazing New Year’s video!” or “Fred’s going to be so much better than that guy who closed the Rose Art Museum!” Well you know what? I built the Village, the Mandel Center for the Humanities and the beautiful new science labs. I increased our admissions selectivity.

I tripled the freaking endowment! I busted my balls as president every day for 16 1/2 years, not to mention my time as provost and faculty, and all I get remembered for is one drunken campuswide e-mail from 2009.

Now don’t get me wrong: I’m sure Fred will be great. But keep in mind that he’s only human. He’s going to screw up, and you’ll eventually hate him too. Enjoy the Lawrence-lovefest while it lasts, kids, because in this line of work, all you have to do is fart in a dissonant chord and the world will demonize you forever.

I hope you all know what I put myself through for this godforsaken university. You know the part in The Producers with the little old ladies? Yea—I hope you all enjoy the Shapiro Campus Center.

—Jehuda Reinharz Ph.D. ’72 The writer closed the Rose Art Museum and did some other stuff.

Sexy Deis time with Luscious Liz Liz

LAMARRE SEXSATIONS

Happy spring, Brandeisians! In the spirit of the changing seasons, I’ve decided to mix things up and change the regular format of this issue’s column. Instead of my usual delving into the steamy underworld of Brandeis sex and dating culture, I’ve opened up this space to readers’ questions, comments and stories from the field. Here are a few of the most intriguing letters we received.

A word of caution: Warm weather is obviously upon us, and before you whip out your sexiest cutoffs-and-tzitzit ensemble, let’s mentally prepare ourselves for the usual debauchery that ensues every time spring comes around again at Brandeis. Feast your eyes on the flesh parade passing by the Rabb steps every day at 12:10 p.m. and experience all the fruits that the Zeta Beta Tau basement has to offer, but make sure spring fever doesn’t overcome your sense of reason. Everyone remember to be safe, drink responsibly and whatever you do, don’t try to grind on Fred Lawrence or the lovely Kathy at the upcoming Inaugural Ball. Not now that we’re finally past all that Four Loko drama.

Dear Liz, I’ve always thought that my girlfriend and I had a healthy sexual relationship. We’ve been dating for about 8 months, and we’ve always been able to keep things fresh and exciting, if you catch my drift. A few weeks ago we went to

see Justin Bieber: Never Say Never 3D. We both really enjoyed the movie, and for Valentine’s Day, Rebecca even bought me a purple cardigan and a striped, hooded sweatshirt. At first I just thought it was funny and even sort of sweet. Then she started playing “Eeenie Meenie” on loop whenever we would hook up.

Now she keeps trying to get me to wear my hair in a comb-over. I’m not really sure what’s going on with her or if I should be concerned. Any advice?

Sincerely, Bieber Fever Freakout Dear Freakout, This is truly a tricky situation you’ve landed yourself in. In my many years of experience, I’ve encountered a lot of people who object to their partner’s fetishes when they’re actually in denial over their own secret desires. I have to be honest with you—a lot of this seems to be your own doing. Who suggested you go see Never Say Never to begin with? Tell the truth.

Is it possible that you are the one who is truly Beib-witched and Rebecca is just an observant and dutiful girlfriend who has tapped into her man’s true needs? Did you ever consider getting a Bieber flip before she brought it up? Be honest with yourself and take the time to do some soul-searching. You might learn something valuable about yourself, your relationship and your sexual appetite.

Dear Liz, This guy and I have been flirting a lot in our “Sociology of Jewish Gender Development Ethnography” class—you know, typical stuff like “liking” each other’s Facebook posts and playing erotic games of footsie during lecture.

Last Friday, he got my number from a mutual friend. We started talking and ended up sexting

for hours, and afterward we met up for pancakes at Ollie’s around 3 a.m. It was a magical night that ended perfectly when he walked me home to the Castle and told me he really liked me.

The thing is, when we talked about it the next day, he told me he wanted to be unofficial but he also wants to be exclusive, while I really want to be nonexclusive but I don’t want to date other people. My last boyfriend and I were both nonexclusive and nonofficial, and it didn’t end well. How do I know if I’m emotionally ready for exclusive non-commitment? I’m inexperienced and I don’t know what to expect from him. Please help me!

Yours, Officially Confused Dear Confused, I feel your pain. In this age of social networking, it can sometimes feel like labels dominate our lives. The thing to remember is this is more or less true. You’re young and unattached, and now is the time to experiment with different kinds of relationships, but this also isn’t the ’60s. Social context matters.

Exclusive nonromantic dating may be trendy right now, but next week we might see a revival of last fall’s love affair with noncommittal, casual, polyamorous sex. You don’t want to be trapped in an unofficial exclusive relationship (sorry to use the R-word) when all your friends come stumbling home next month at 10 in the morning with their bras hanging out of their skirts, back from their latest ménage à trois.

That being said, you shouldn’t feel compelled to do what everyone else is doing just because it’s the hot new thing. If you really like this boy, you should do what feels right. But at the same time, remember that this is a small campus, and people talk. And they’re not afraid to call you a slut.

SPORTS

Non-Jew kicked off baseball team OLYMPICS: Lawrence BASEBALL

acknowledges Brandeis’ world-class facilities

■ Second baseman Pat

Seaward ’13 was forced to leave the team after it exceeded its quota of goyim.

CONTINUED FROM A1

By MAX SAWYER LIFE WRITER

Brandeis Athletics was forced to kick second baseman Pat Seaward ’13 off the baseball team last weekend after it was revealed that Seaward is not Jewish. The move is in accordance with the new Brandeis sports policy, implemented last September, which states that all Brandeis teams must be above 95-percent Jewish. Seaward’s presence on the team put’s the team’s non-Jewish quota at 93 percent.

“We were at our house on Russell Street when [Seaward] told me that he is not Jewish. I had to report him to coach,” said outfielder and resident of the Substance Free Community Living Program Nick Cortese ’13.

Just like every sport at Brandeis, the baseball team must be 95 percent Jewish, which is probably why a twicea-year Pachanga is more realistic than a March Madness-bound Brandeis basketball team. But the baseball team has impressed everyone. They managed to win three games last year. Additionally, the team has been able to stay above .500 this season, impressing the entire collegiate sports community.

“We’re moving in the right direction, and Seaward was one of the movers,” said coach Pete Varney. “I’m sad to see him go, but hey, as Cortese said, rules are rules.”

Seaward’s numbers have been impressive so far. Though he hasn’t actually gotten a hit this season, Seaward has become the token white player on the team and is leading the squad in high-fives.

“I was getting into the groove, you know, started to really feel it,” Seaward said. “But hey, I mean, I guess that’s just how it goes. We’re not allowed to play in [intramural] sports, and everyone on the baseball team follows that rule too,” he added.

Many members of the team were sad to see Seaward go.

“I offered to circumcise him, but it just isn’t going to work out,” said a very serious Cortese.

ROBYN REINHARZ/Editor Emeritus

KOSHER STYLE: The new Brandeis sports policy also mandated new team jerseys.

Although Seaward is now off the team, he is still permitted to use the facilities at the baseball clubhouse on Russell Street. “Ya, that’s the best part of it, I’ve made memories at the clubhouse in my short time there,” said a grinning Seaward.

This is not the first time that Brandeis has moved to remove a nonJewish member from a sports team to keep the 95-percent quota. When the rule was implemented last year, the entire swim team was cut because there were no Jews on the team, as none of the members of the Brandeis Jewish Community were willing to join because all the competitions are on Saturdays.

“We need non-Jews to help us in athletics,” coach Varney said.

“Gentiles run faster, jump higher and have significantly better hand-eye coordination. Unfortunately, it’s a rule we have to abide by.”

Though Seaward is known to be a lighthearted, fun and charismatic team player, this is not the first time he has gotten into trouble with the baseball team; he was caught breaking

the team’s strict dietary rules in November. Seaward was found eating a ranch dressing-soaked double pork burger at Sherman dining hall.

Varney was especially upset, because Seaward gained 45 pounds, causing him to weigh in at 125 at the start of the season.

“My body is my temple,” Seaward said. “But it’s really hard to keep in shape. I guess I let the weight get to me. We have great facilities, but with all the great food available at Usdan, Einstein and especially Sherman, it’s really tough to stay in shape.”

The baseball team’s three remaining non-Jewish members are outfielder Andrew Cohen ’13, first baseman Eric Rosenberg ’11 and infielder Dom Schwartz ’14.

“I mean, I feel bad for Pat for taking up one of the “non-Jewish” spots, but I love the game as much as he does,” said Rosenberg.

The rule has generated a lot of media interest, and is one of the many reasons thousands of members of the Westboro Bapstist Church petitioned Brandeis earlier in the year.

of the best athletic facilities in the world,” he wrote. “Plus, it would be a great chance for me to finally meet Michael Phelps.”

Though the specific details of the bid have not been released, Lawrence wrote that he was confident the school’s current facilities would be sufficient to support the vast array of Olympic sports.

“We already have great fencing facilities, and we have a basketball court, right? I’m pretty sure we have a basketball court,” he said in an interview with the Justice.

Though Lawrence did not address the issue of Brandeis’ lack of a swimming pool, Director of Athletics Sheryl Sousa ’90 said that it would not be an issue.

“We have talked about using some of the flooded rooms in the Castle that the school never repaired,” Sousa said in an interview with the Justice. “We also might use Massell Pond. Worst comes to worst, we can always just flood Lower Usdan and have them swim there,” she added, completely disregarding the Linsey Pool, which currently houses upperclassmen who failed to receive decent numbers in the housing lottery.

Also reported to be submitting a bid for the 2020 Games are the Republic of Chad, Tripoli, Vatican City and George Washington University.

Lawrence said he felt that Brandeis’ chances for hosting the games were pretty good.

“I’m pretty sure Chad isn’t even a real place,” he said. “GW has some of the worst athletic facilities in the country, so that could never work, and the Vatican, well, that’s about as funny as the Rex Ryan foot-fetish videos. You saw those, right? Fuckin’ hilarious. Tripoli could give us some trouble, though.”

Brandeis also has a unique leg up on the other potential host locations because of its world-class quidditch team. Though quidditch is not currently an Olympic sport, Brandeis Quidditch Commissioner Harrison

Goldspiel ’13 said that he was confident that the sport would be added in time for the 2020 games.

“We just got a huge shipment of Nimbus 2000s,” Goldspiel bragged in an interview with the Justice.

“The fact of the matter is that quidditch is more popular than the rest of the sports combined at Brandeis.

Nobody goes to Brandeis basketball games, but we routinely draw hundreds of muggles for our practices alone. Our popularity is growing to the point that they will be forced to include us in the Olympic games.”

Lawrence highlighted the fact that Brandeis already has a Village in which to house the athletes, though he said that competitors who choose to live on campus will be forced to enroll in a meal plan.

Aaron Bennos, the director of dining services at Brandeis, said that feeding the athletes wouldn’t be an issue, as Sherman Dining Hall had plenty of excess food.

“We’ve got all this Sherman food that nobody at Brandeis eats,” Bennos explained in an interview with the Justice. “This would be a great opportunity to expand the Brandeis Dining Service’s brand recognition, and get our name out there as one of the top dining services in the world.”

Lawrence also noted that babysitters from Lemberg would be hired to take care of the Chinese gymnastic team, whose gymnasts range between the ages of 6 and 9.

Lawrence concluded his e-mail by saying that the University has also been working on securing several other events for Brandeis to host.

He wrote that he has been in touch with the International Federation of Association Football (FIFA) about hosting a World Cup in the future, and had received positive feedback.

Other potential plans include hosting a Super Bowl and the creation of CSI: Brandeis. Lawrence said that an agreement had already been reached with the Girls Gone Wild franchise, which will be on campus filming during the next Pachanga.

A8

FRIDAY, APRIL 1, 2011

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THE JUSTICE

INAUGURATION PREVIEW

Presented by Smart Balance

™

TALI LOVETT/Paparazzi Editor

JUST PUT YOUR LIPS TOGETHER: Frederick Lawrence reacts to the news of his confirmation by the Board of Trustees as the next University president by making his “I’m so excited I could eat a whole lemon” face.

A fun week of events will offer a healthy alternative to butter

By MARIELLE MAGID IBS EDITOR

Thursday, March 31 marks the day that Brandeis’ eighth president, Frederick M. Lawrence, will be inaugurated, thus prompting a week full of campuswide festivities spon-

sored by Smart Balance.

Lawrence said that he is anxious for the week to begin, and also that he “is excited to officially be able to put ‘President of Brandeis University’ on [his] résumé.”

Lawrence was eager to point out that he wanted to hold the

inauguration at the very-convenient time of 2 p.m. Thursday afternoon because he was going to be “gettin’ down on Friday,” and wanted to ensure the inauguration would work with his party schedule. “I mean, you saw how hard I party at the Battle of the DJs," he said.

The Smart Balance Peanut Butter Inauguration Day Ceremony On Thursday afternoon, Brandeis will be heavily trafficked as guests arrive to witness Lawrence’s inauguration ceremony.

Unfortunately, only non-University guests will be attending, as students and professors must adhere to their typical Thursday schedule and attend classes. When asked about the University’s reluctance to cancel class on inauguration day, University Registrar Mark Hewitt said, “I didn’t realize we held classes on Thursdays, sorry.”

At 12:30 p.m., a parade will leave from the foot of the Mandel Quad steps and travel around Loop Road down to South Street and end at the Gosman Sports and Convocation

Center. When asked about his inspiration for the parade, Lawrence simply said, “Aladdin.” Upon request, he elaborated on what he meant: “Pretty much, I really wanted to ride an elephant. Other than that, I left it up to the Inaugural Planning Committee.” The only information the IPC would divulge was that they changed the lyrics of the “Prince Ali” song from “Brush up on your Sunday salaam” to “Brush up on your Sunday shalom” in order to be more Brandeisappropriate. “We also changed Prince Ali to President Fred, obviously,” IPC chair Kathy Lawrence said.

After Lawrence’s elephant ar-

rives at Gosman, an Olympics-inspired torch relay will take place.

Starting with Student Union Secretary Herbie Rosen ’12, it will then be passed to Student Union President Daniel Acheampong ’11 and then to University President Emeritus Jehuda Reinharz. Once Reinharz arrives inside the Gosman arena, he will pass the torch to Lawrence, who has expressed concern that Reinharz will be reluctant to let go of the torch and possibly cause a scene. “That is a potentially very awkward situation, and I really would like to avoid it if possible,” Lawrence said. Reinharz was contacted for comment, but did not respond by press time.

TALI LOVETT/Paparazzi Editor

OOH, CHOLENT: Lawrence gasps for air after eating at Sherman for the first time.

The Smart Balance Popcorn Prez Fred Inaugural Coffeehouse On Wednesday, the day before the inauguration, Lawrence will be hosting a coffeehouse at Cholmondeley’s in an effort to raise money to replenish the dwindling endowment. “Seeing that the Aladdin parade costs so much money, I feel that I should do my part to help replace some

of it,” Lawrence said. Jewish Fella A Cappella and the Lydian String Quartet will be performing, along with various student performers and SSIS, though Lawrence did not specify what SSIS would be doing. “I figure I can trust them to put on a good show, right?” he said.

The Smart Balance Buttery Sticks Tasty Charles River Inaugural Ball On Saturday, April 2 the Inaugural Ball will take place. After attending GRAD FEST 2011, Lawrence has changed the location from Gosman to the Charles River Apartments. The student body has protested this change, anticipating that by the time most of them

TALI LOVETT/Paparazzi Editor

EAST COAST: Lawrence demonstrates the University's newly proposed gang sign at the Board of Trustees meeting Thursday.

arrive a fashionable 3 hours late, the ball will have been shut down.

In an effort to attract more student partygoers earlier in the night, Lawrence said that the Maccabeats, the Jewish YouTube sensation from Yeshiva University, will be performing at 9 p.m.

Other special happenings on campus include a football game with remaining members of the 1957 Brandeis team on Friday, April 1, and the Ollie's Eatery has said it will actually be serving milkshakes. “Well, maybe,” Ollie’s manager Richard O’Brian said.