How churches can help couples through infertility and baby loss

BY FUNKE OHAM

I opened my eyes to a room full of medics. Things didn’t look right. I faintly heard the voice of the registrar asking me: “Do you understand? There is no heartbeat.”

I shrugged it off, prayed he was mistaken, and secretly hoped my baby would be born alive.

Labour progressed and at 11:12am my first baby was born. There was just silence.

This was a moment I had been waiting for after 16 months of trying to conceive and a nine-month pregnancy journey.

I slipped in and out of sleep, but caught a glimpse of my husband working vigorously to resuscitate Isaac, our son, possibly believing for a miracle.

Isaac was placed into a Moses basket right beside my bed. Every now and again, I would peek at him sleeping peacefully.

There were no words to describe the depth of my pain.

In 24 hours, my life had taken an unexpected turn. My hope, dream and joy had vanished - just like that!

We had gone from planning to tell our loved ones our baby had arrived to thinking of what type of burial we would want for Isaac.

What would the future hold? How would I/we get through this?

Trying again

Four months later, I became pregnant the second time. We decided to do everything in our power to ensure we took our daughter, Faith, home.

But, on 13 February at 11.23pm, Faith was born prematurely at 23 weeks.

And after a 10-hour battle, she drew her last breath - on Valentine’s Day - cuddled in my arms.

Living again

My plan was to take it one day at a time. There were good days and there were bad days. Having a supportive network, including my husband and family, made this journey easier. My Christian faith helped me to process my loss, my disappointment, and I began to hope again. On Christmas Eve, in the same year we lost Faith, we were blessed with a baby boy, born full term and healthy. Three years later, we had another son.

A big issue

This experience isn’t unique to me and I only realised how big the issue was when I went online in search for support.

Did you know?

• 1 in 7 women have difficulty conceiving

• 1 in 4 pregnancies end in baby loss

• 2 million babies are born stillborn every year (UNICEF)

These women exist in every church. Infertility and baby loss are often a hidden issue, a taboo subject, and couples usually suffer in silence.

My plan

Following my experience, I chose to walk alongside other women who are trying to conceive and have experienced baby loss. My goal is to raise awareness and break the stigma around infertility and baby loss.

And to ensure no woman walks this journey alone.

What can churches do?

Here are ten things churches can do to support women and men experiencing infertility and baby loss.

• Start by being educated on these issues, and ensure they learn from reputable sources.

• Provide a safe place for women and men to talk about their experience and listen to them non-judgementally.

• Remember their much-loved babies on their birth dates, if known.

• Avoid jumping to conclusions about the cause of their infertility/baby loss and be sensitive. For instance, believing infertility is a punishment as a result of their past and that they are not meant to be parents; or suggesting they can “always have another baby”.

• Encourage church members who have walked this journey to provide a shoulder those affected can lean on.

• Signpost them to groups and organisations for additional and expert support.

• Respect their decisions and prayerfully support them.

• Consider the best ways to celebrate and involve them on occasions like Mother’s Day and Father’s Day.

• Recognise the intersectionality of infertility and baby loss, and give them space if required and the room to express their emotions.

• Reassure them they are loved, not alone and no less of a woman (or man) whether they become parents or not.

Looking to set up a support group?

Funke and her team are looking to replicate the Waiting Room model in churches. If you would like to set one up or need advice in this area, reach out to the team at alwaysamum@gmail.com

About Funke

Funke is an award-winning mentor, author and speaker. Her first book, ‘Always a Mum; How I survived my baby loss’ addresses issues of motherhood in relation to loss, living again and finding purpose in pain. Her second book, ‘Believe’, will be published in 2023. Last July, Funke launched The Waiting Room - an online support community for women (also open to men) who are trying to conceive and have experienced baby loss. She brings her vibrant messages to women’s conferences, leadership forums and career events. Find out more about her at funkeoham.com