KARMA SPEAKS

TAKING IN A STRAY

BY DENISE “KARMA” CLIFFORD

They say time heals all wounds, yet I’m not so sure I believe that. I think a better statement is that time moves you further away from the place where your heart broke. Time doesn’t seem to want to heal the hole And the empty place that’s left. Itisn’t healing, as much as it is coping.

Within one month, I lost two of the most influential people in my life. If you have read my articles in the past, you know I’ve told about both my mom as well as the only father figure I had.

And now, within one month, I had to say good bye to them both. We all know that as humans we are not immortal, and have a clear conscience that our parents will die, yet it doesn’t mean when it happens it isn’t going to knock the wind out of you. Because it does all this And then some. Especially when it’s very unexpected, like the loss of my mom.

My mom lived alone, in an apartment in Chili. I always made comments as to her being the crazy cat lady, as it never failed that somehow she was always “taking in a stray.” If someone moved out, and left their cat behind, it would most definitely find its way to Shirley’s house. This was also true about people as my mother had the innate ability to attract and make friends with the kindred lost souls. She chalked it up to being part gypsy, and I never doubted this. My mom was always a text or a call away, and was never shy of doling out her expert advice to me. It wasn’t always this way, as a teenager I took out the majority of my ill emotions on mom, but she explained to me when I grew up, that it was ok. She said to me that we take out the worst on the ones we love. I never stopped apologizing to her for the years in my youth that I blamed her for not being the mother

she was supposed to be, in my eyes. Lucky for me, I matured and saw my mother for who she truly was, she was all that a mom should be, And more.

Charismatic, caring, strong and there whenever I sought her out. She knew how to raise kids, who aren’t assholes, which I wish she could have taught this class to others. I wasn’t ready to let her go. She didn’t let me prepare. Not like anything prepares you. My mom’s death happened unexpectedly, and very quickly that I’m still wrapping my head around her loss. I am fortunate to have been able to spend the last hours with her, telling her how much I love her. When I finally told het it was ok, I would take care of everything, as I held her hand, she left. I was left to clean out her apartment of 20 years, bring her cat home and mourn her loss.

At the same time my father was living with the recent diagnosis with cancer, and already at stage four. As I’ve written about before, he has always And will forever be the strongest man I know, so maybe somewhere in the back of my mind, I felt that cancer really had no chanceagainst him. I held that in the background, but in all honesty I knew what the truth was. Even knowing, there is no preparation for that call, or those words. “Get over to the house,” knowing exactly what it meant. It was just two weeks and five days since I lost my mom, that I got that call. I was still in shock. My dad still lived in his home where he let me live as a child. I was lucky enough to be included and remain in the family, even after he was married and had two more children. I was given the chance to be an older sister, and share the man who taught me so much, with my own children.

He was the grandfather they would have never had. If not for him, I would never be able to show kids where I grew up. Never had younger siblings, never became “aunt Karma” or inherited a

“They say time heals all wounds, yet I’m not so sure I believe that.”

a “second” mom. I wouldn’t have learned how much I love the country, or how to work as hard and find pride in my work, if I hadn’t followed him around as a child. I told him how important he was to me and in my life. That he had given me the one and only thing I had needed as a childa dad. And even though he and my mom had split up years ago, he never stopped treating me like his own. I was there to say goodbye to him as well. But before that, I was able to thank him, to joke with him, to ask his opinion and seek his approval. To let him know I loved him. He hugged me after my mom died, and I said, I’m not going to cry. We had coffee Ans I told him about my new endeavor with a new opportunity, and he listened like he always does about all my ideas and changes that I brainstorm about. I expressed I felt I was failing as I was closingthe eatery and selling the food truck. And I felt a little bit like a failure, and how my mother would have said that opportunities don’t just fall in your lap, there’s a reason. His response was that I’m not a failure, I never was. He believed in me, every crazy idea I talked about, I realized he believed I could do it. That was the last topic we talked about, that and the purchase of a newwashing machine. One where I told him I took his advice on. The next day, he found his peace and his pain is no more.

Time won’t heal this hole in my heart that I have for the two people who taught me how to be strong when you want to give up. How to stay true to your word, as your word is your signature.

How to be humble, how to be compassionate. The two people that have a plethora of different skills and life lessons that shaped me into a person that others believe in. I want to call my mom, and tell her all about the new things she is missing. I want to stop and see my dad come out of his garage and show me the newest project he is working on. I don’t want time to make them just a memory.

So for me, I will not let time take you away. I will have conversations with you and seek your advice And approval. I will tell stories of days gone by to keep you alive. I will never let you down, as I know the pride you both showed in me, even with my craziest of ideas. I will use the best of each attributes o took from you both, to recreate my life where you exist Jist out of reach. And I will mourn the loss of you in my life, but not stop living. I will remind myself that you both would say “celebrate my life” and not to be sad. Time will not heal all of this, time will only make me miss you more.

In remembrance of : My mom Shirley A Clifford And my dad Kerry J Almekinder