KARMA SPEAKS

YOU WERE NEVER MY FATHER ANYWAY

BY DENISE “KARMA” CLIFFORD

They say forgiveness is not for the other person, but for self peace and so I forgave you long ago. Yet, I wonder as you faced your maker if the demons you left behind years ago with a little girl were there to remind you. I’m curious to know if the guilt you deserve lay thick in the air just above you, like a dark, dank blanket for you to inhale as your last breath. The memories you left for those you ran away from, wondering what it was they did so wrong, is the last thing left lingering upon your lips. And the sounds of a little girl begging for the father who wasn’t even good enough for her to come back. Yet little girls don’t know this; they have to learn it the hard way. With penciled letters stained with teardrops sent to places where you wish as you lie awake at night, that It made it there. Pleading with the universe to bring you your father back. Promising you won’t do whatever it was to make him leave in the first place.

Begging for the return of the foulest toxic person you ever knew. Because this time, you won’t wake him when he’s sleeping off last night’s booze-infested fist to cuffs. Last night’s mistress and her kids, thrown into your face in the middle of the night. Because he likes to fight with her too, and my mom says kids don’t belong at the bar. So they come to sleep at our house, with their runny red noses and frightened, confused looks behind eyes that hold tears of pain. I know this look and pain, yet I get to sleep in my own bed tonight. Begging for a shell of a man filled with nothing but lies and the stench of stale beer and nicotine. It’s a smell you never forget and will forever associate with the behaviors of the one who taught you how not to trust a man. Begging to the deaf ears of a man who held no remorse as he packed it up and ran as far away, leaving the words forever etched in your brain, “I’ll be back, we will go fishing. I promise,” and so I waited.

I waited for the 2 AM drunken voice on the phone crying to the vulnerable little girl I used to be and asking me to love him, feeling the drunk guilt needing to be cured by a frail broken-hearted child who begged for the slightest bit of attention, from her dad. I was asking if he received the letters, never getting a straight answer. These phone calls were the evil spiritinfused demons that I hope sat in the shadows of the room when he lay dying alone. Phone calls to ease a coward’s conscience for another 6-12 months, yet make the manipulative mind of a girl fall right back into the web of lies created for the sake of a drunken fool. I waited while you chose when it was convenient for you to want to play dad. Yet every time you brought along with it the lies, the manipulation, and you ruined everything good in your wake. You cared for nothing and no one unless it was to benefit what your wants were. And when my wishes were answered too late, you came back. I had wished that one away when I recognized what a father indeed was, and it wasn’t you.

Yet you were always good at lying and making people feel sorry for you to get what you needed. You cried victim here, and my truth to you made me the bad guy. I was still young, and so I believed your distorted perceptions spewed unto me. So much that you destroyed the world, I had come to know. Again, your toxic-filled life brought ruin to another phase of my life.

You tried hard to coax my brother and me that you in fact, were “our dad”. I gave you another chance, yet told you I was not a weak-minded child anymore, and that you will never be my dad. I know you despised me for this, so I told you to prove to me you deserve to even be in my life. I gave you the opportunity, yet you couldn’t even put work into establishing I could trust

“Begging to the deaf ears of a man who held no remorse as he packed it up and ran as far away, leaving the words forever etched in your brain, “I’ll be back, we will go fishing. I promise,” and so I waited.”

put work into establishing I could trust you. It angered you that I would request this, and so you would confide in my mother. Not even brave enough to talk about it with me. You were never really a man, and you were always Just a coward hiding deep inside the Alcohol bottle you choose as your family. So, again you severed the weak ties that barely kept us connected. And I moved on. I was no longer needing you. No longer wishing I had you there as my dad. You are not my father. You never were.

The third and final time I let you in, you again came packed with your suitcase of lies. And I will never forget picking it up, putting it on the porch, and letting you know that you have no family here. You acted shocked and asked how I could be so mean to you. But it wasn’t I who was the mean one, how you pretended so good to be shocked, I will never know. Yet people like you are good at that. I listened closely as you went upstairs to my then 4-year-old son. I was pregnant with Roan. I heard you say, “I’ll be back.

We will go fishing tomorrow. I promise.” Those words were forever etched in my mind, like the gravestone I imagined with your name upon it, as I let you go. You were headed to the airport to go back home. Tomorrow was another tale of no fishing, and this time I was In control of the lie. I had to go upstairs and tell my son there would be no fishing and explain why a grown man would lie. Explain that man would never be back to take you fishing. And then I went downstairs and closed the door on all the lies, the heartache, and all the toxicity you brought into my life. You will never get that to my children. And I closed the door, walked away, and I forgave you. I buried you that day.

I was asked how I feel about losing you if I need to talk. I mourned the loss of you many years ago, and so today I feel no loss.

I mourned your loss as a little girl when you left me, and my regret was wishing for your return. I once told you to your face, “you’re going to die alone, in a hospital with no loved ones around, and you will have only yourself to blame” I was right.

If I were to write an obituary for you, it would go something like this.

Born into a toxic situation. He lied pretty well. He was great at playing the victim. He should have died a long time ago from alcohol consumption but didn’t. He had more shit to ruin for others. He ran away from things he destroyed and was never a father to his children. He tried to place guilt on his daughter, but she smartened up and let him know he has no daughter. I was given a chance after chance and always blew it. He left behind a shell of a man that was filled with false hopes, stale ale, and nicotine. May you meet your maker, and have the aftertaste of all your bad decisions on your breath, so you can be judged

accordingly.

I sit here and hope that in the end, you felt the sting of every lie you told. I mourned your loss, and I forgave you years ago.

You were never my father, anyway.

SUMMER DREAMS

BY TAMMY VREELAND

Pretty soon our dreams of summer will soon be a reality! In less than a month, June 20th to be exact, summer will be upon us. But until then, we can continue to dream for summer to come.

Speaking of which - dreams. Do you ever give your dreams much thought? Do your dreams stay with you after you wake, or do they stay on the fringe of your subconscious - leaving you to struggle in remembering them?

Are you able to find meaning in your dreams or are they a jumble mess of pictures or even emotions? While some dreams may last only a couple of minutes, did you know others can last 20-30 minutes?

Dreams, to me, are fascinating. In fact, several of my own stories are based on vivid dreams I have had. There are many speculations about dreams, for they have literally been around since the dawn of time.

But what do we truly know about dreams? Not as much as you would think. Sure, there have been many to speculate to what our dream’s purpose is, but to date - we’re not really sure.

In fact, we’re not sure where in the brain dreams originate from. Is there only one location, or is it several locations in the brain working together?

We know dreams happen in REM state. That while you are in REM state, you are unaware that you are dreaming. This is because your prefrontal cortex, the part of your brain that is for planning and logic, decreases in activity during your dreams. Allowing you to interact without thinking about the outcome.

How important are dreams? When you become sleep deprived, deterioration can happen not only psychologically but in tissue as well.

Sigmund Freud theorized dreams were driven by the unconscious to fulfill a wish. Carl Jung elaborated on Freud’s theory, describing dreams as messages. While Fritz Perls thought dreams could be parts of the dreamer that have been ignored, rejected or suppressed.

So, how can we take the proverbial saying “Follow Your Dreams” and apply it to what we know about dreams? Let’s break it down. Where does your dream come from?

You may never know for sure, it may come from one idea or several ideas combined. Take that a step further. To achieve your dream may mean you will have to do it yourself or others may be there to help.

Are not our waking dreams, a need to fulfill our wish or desire for something? Do we not feel sometimes that our waking dreams are being ignored, rejected, or even suppressed? Do we not even sometimes struggle to remember them? happening to our waking dreams? What does it truly mean to “follow your dream”? Perhaps it is a much deeper meaning than any of us considered. Could it literally mean follow your dream in waking, as you do while sleeping?

Turn off that prefrontal cortex. Put planning and logic aside. Let the dream unfold at its pace. Enjoy the dream as it is unfolding because later you may realize you were in the dream, but didn’t know it.

Our dreams in sleep has stages. Stands to reason, our dreams in waking will be the same. Dreams are essential to us not only in a dream state but while we are awake. Whether they are a few moments of thinking about the next season, or they are our long-term goals, we need them.

They’re essential to us and should be treated as such. Let’s look at our National Holidays coming up to see what will coincide with our dreams.

June 1 - National Go Barefoot Day - My first response in seeing this was dreams of long ago. When as a child, you kicked off your shoes and enjoyed the soft grass under your feet. Maybe, while trying to follow our waking dream, we need to kick off our shoes every once in a while, and simply enjoy the moment.

June 8 - Uppsie Daisy - This one was a cute one that I had to research a little more on, for I had never heard of it. It’s a day to remember when

“Pretty soon our dreams of summer will soon be a reality! In less than a month, June 20th to be exact, summer will be upon us. But until then, we can continue to dream for summer to come.“

someone would wake up you up with a cheerful Uppsie Daisy response. Setting the tone for a happy day. Fond memories that can even now make the day a happy day.

June 11 - Making Life Beautiful - I think it is all of our dreams to make life beautiful. And though it may feel out of our reach, the simple things are not only the easiest to begin with, but sometimes the most powerful.

June 15 - Smile Power Day - Close friends of ours, have a little boy who in the middle of the night recently woke them up with laughter. They both rushed to his room, not knowing what was going on. There he was, sound asleep and dreaming; giggling out loud. They both went back to sleep with smiles of their own. For who can resist the magic of a child’s laughter? A smile truly has power and is contagious - go out and share yours today!

June 20 - Summer - It’s here! No more dreaming of summer to come, but now we can dream of ways to enjoy it! Whether it be in a cool slumber at night with bright stars shining over top. Or in the bright sun, where new ideas seem to blossom for our waking dreams. And though I may be a bit bias, since it is my favorite time of the year, dreams seem to happen the most in the summer.

June is a transitional month where we go from one season to the next. A month that can be the best of both worlds. The final appreciation of what Spring has given us and the anticipation of what Summer has for us. And though sometimes it is nice to enjoy our slumber with our dreams, now is the time to get out and pursue those dreams! Feel the warmth of the sun, smell the fragrance around, and see the beauty Spring has provided us.

Make your beautiful memories now so when you need them later on, your dreams will tap into them. Giving you the rest and escape you need.

Dreams are important. Our dreams extend ourselves. In both sleeping and awake. Give them the attention they need but also enjoy them at the moment you are living them.

Because believe it or not, while striving to make your dreams come true, you are already living your dream - it just happens to be in different stages.

SUMMER TIME SKINCARE

BY GABRIELLA ROSE FIEDERLEIN

Our skin goes through so many changes throughout the year. Let’s discuss the effect of summer on our skin. This month we will focus on a combination of acneic and oily skin. Why? Summertime is coming up and that’s the most common concern for a client to have during this time of the year. So let’s get our skin ready for the summertime. concerns. I’m going to suggest that my client go to a dermatologist to get her rosacea checked out because there is not much I can do about that. I want to also see that my client is watching what she eats so we can determine what causes her rosacea flare up. clients skin, this has tea tree in it. I’m going to also incorporate direct high frequency electricity which is going to create a germicidal effect on the skin and help reduce her acne. I’m going to recommend my client with home care.

A SERIES OF SIX TUEL ACNE BASIC FACIALS

My plan for my client is a series of six Tuel acne facials. This will help with

My client has a combination skin type and is also acneic. My client struggles with constant acne on her cheeks, chin and forehead. I determined this by analyzing the skin closely with a skin scope and mag lamp. Her pores are larger in her t-zone and smaller on her cheeks. My client also has some rosacea on her cheeks. Rosacea can be caused by abnormalities in facial blood vessels or the genes. Rosacea can be triggered by hot foods or drinks, spicy foods, stress or extreme temperature. There is no cure for rosacea, however there are many treatments which can relieve the signs and symptoms. There are topical antibiotics that help with the inflammation and redness. The topical antibiotic can make the skin more sensitive and dry.

Regarding my client’s skin type and condition, I will want to see the oiliness in her t-zone decrease because we want to balance out her skin. I will also want to see her acne clear up on her cheeks, chin and forehead because this was one of her main both acne and oily skin. With my client’s skin being sensitive from her rosacea, I can not do chemical peels on her because, I think they will be too harsh for my client’s skin. I will use the Tuel acne 2 step cleansers that have lemongrass in it which helps prevent breakouts, kill bacteria and control excess oil. I will also use the Tuel power scrub to exfoliate my Week 1: Starting off the first week with her first Tuel Acne facial, Using argon electricity and the tuel acne mask. This mask has smectite clay in it which absorbs oil. I extracted as many pustules as I could see. Her skin reacted very well to the products. Today’s goal was to extract and absorb her excess oil. I recommend some home care for my client to take home. I recommend the Tuel acne 2 step cleansers, the Smectite clay mask, which absorbs oil and the special delivering moisturizer which will balance oil production while reducing irritation, giving the skin a smoother texture. She bought all the products, because she wants all the help she can get. 80% of your skin’s condition is based on home care .

Week 2: After week 1, my client’s skin is looking less oily in the t-zone today. She said she was loving the mask I recommended for her home care. Today she decided to upgrade the Tuel plus acne facial, this includes an enzyme instead of the manual exfoliation which is using an abrasive substance to manually remove dead