COLLABORATIVE LAW

{ SHIFT+CONTROL }{ COLLABORATIVE LAW } CAN MY MARRIAGE BE SAVED BY MEDIATION?

When you are having difficulty in your marriage and are not sure if you can keep moving forward, it can be all consuming, not to mention stressful and scary.

Deciding if you need to separate or divorce is one of the most difficult decisions that a person can make. Most people get married and dream of living together for the rest of their lives. They create the “story” of how they want their lives to be. If your story is not moving forward as planned, you may think divorce is the only way to get out of the bad situation. You may be told by family or friends that calling a lawyer is your first step to figuring out what to do. I would ask you to consider the possibility that divorce is NOT your only option, and calling a lawyer isn’t necessarily the place to start.

Lawyers are not in the business of keeping families intact. If you are not sure that you want to end your marriage, then you need to seek out an alternative way to address your marital problems. You do not want to start a divorce process if there is a possibility of saving your marriage.

Ending a marriage has emotional, financial and legal consequences. Divorce “fall-out” touches not only the couple that is divorcing, but it also impacts the children of the parties, the parties’ parents, extended family, friends and religious relationships.

Staying married has emotional, financial, and legal consequences as well. If you are at the point of asking whether you should

BY JULIE V. MERSEREAU

separate or divorce, you have already acknowledged that you are in trouble in the marriage. It is very important to get outside help to determine whether separation and divorce is your only option.

You need a process that helps you focus on identifying the problems in your marriage and creating a plan that works toward healing the marriage. Help may be available through counselling, religious support, family assistance, or Marital Mediation.

Marital Mediation can also be called “Mediation to Stay Married”. This is a relatively new method to help people improve their marriage and avoid divorce. It uses mediation techniques in a series of meetings with the couple and a family mediator experienced in marital mediation.

IF I HAVE ALREADY DONE COUNSELING AND IT DID NOT WORK, WHY WOULD I USE MEDIATION?

Marital Mediation is not counseling or therapy. If a couple is already in marital counseling, religious counseling or any other kind of counseling or therapy marital mediation can still move forward. Marital Mediation is more goal directed. It is a process that is led by the couple with the guidance of the mediator. It is voluntary, private and client driven. It is a practical approach to resolving the marital disputes using dispute resolution techniques. The trained mediator creates a safe and private place for the couple to identify and discuss the issues that are hurting the marriage. The goal is to create a plan that the couple can use to change the behavior that is hurting the marriage.

DO I NEED AN ATTORNEY TO DO MARITAL MEDIATION?

You are not required to have your own attorney to do marital mediation. Your first call should be to an experienced mediator who will provide you information about your options when you are thinking of Divorce. Some Mediators, like myself, are also Attorneys. The attorney mediator is neutral professional who will work with both of you to teach you how to communicate about the issues that bring you to mediation, and help you build a path toward a future together. If in the process of marital mediation, you want more information about your own legal rights and obligations, you may want to consult with an attorney to advise you.

WILL MARITAL MEDIATION HELP ME DECIDE WHETHER WE NEED TO SEPARATE OR DIVORCE?

Marital mediation can help you explore what the problems are in your marriage. If you and your spouse cannot reach an understanding about a plan moving forward together, then you may choose to end the marriage. It is not the Mediator’s role to tell you what the right thing is to do. You will learn about options and potential consequences so you can decide for yourself what you want to do.

WHAT ARE THE GOALS OF MARITAL MEDIATION?

“When you are having difficulty in your marriage and are not sure if you can keep moving forward, it can be all consuming, not to mention stressful and scary.”

• To help the couple examine the root cause or causes of the conflict in the marriage and then make a plan to change things. • To teach the couple constructive ways to communicate, so they can be open to hearing the other party’s concerns and suggestions so that they can gain a better understanding of each other. • To assist the couple in finding a way to stay together, address their problems, and keep the family together. • To allow the couple to have fully explored whether they can commit to the changes that need to be made to keep the marriage intact. • To create a written agreement for the parties that will be their game plan going forward.

WHAT IF WE AREN’T ABLE TO FOLLOW THE PLAN OR IT DOESN’T HELP AND WE NEED TO GO FORWARD WITH A DIVORCE?

If your Marital Mediation does not help keep your marriage together, you may decide it is time to go forward with a divorce. You do not have to go to court for your divorce. As an attorney who has spent most of her career handling family law and matrimonial cases, I can assure the reader that divorce resolution processes like Mediation and Collaborative Law are far better than litigation. The courts are not the place for family disputes, custody and parenting issues, and problems in a marriage.

If you would like further information about Marital Mediation or would like to schedule an appointment to begin Marital Mediation please call me at 585-377-5487 or email: julie@jmersereaulaw.com

Written by Julie V. Mersereau, Esq., Attorney Mediator and Collaborative Law Attorney. Ms. Mersereau focuses her practice on Family Mediation, including Divorce Mediation, Marital Mediation and Elder Mediation, and Mediation regarding other family system issues and Collaborative Family Law.

WARMTH

As I sit inside on this bright, sunny morning I realize that just like pretty much everything in life us humans need warmth too. How even on a cold day when you feel the rays of sun hit your skin there is a reaction that happens inside. You feel less cold, your brain reacts to the sun by creating some serotonin which makes you more calm, increases your energy. One action in our life can creates a wider reaching ripple. While it may seem small, the ripple of small things is extraordinary.” Matt Bevin

Warmth does not only come from the sun. As people we have the opportunity to show warmth to one another. Our interactions with others can convey warmth and caring by how we listen, how we respond when someone is talking. You know when someone is listening to you. You feel when another person is giving you their undivided attention. Focusing on what you are saying, even if it seems like an insignificant story. That who you are and what you are saying matters. There have been times in my life when I felt that undivided attention. That who I am has value. That I was worth listening to. The simple actions of another human made a huge impact in my life. It made me feel like I mattered.

Warmth has been resonating with me this past week. I have read articles regarding our COVID19 fatigue and how we all just want to be together with one another. I have also had a few people in my life who are struggling for different reasons with some big stuff. What they had in common is that they both talked how a giant, warm, hug was what they wanted. They wanted that moment where they felt wrapped in another person’s arm with tons of caring and physical touch. An article in the Lifehack talks about

BY JUDI SWANSON

the benefits of how even holding hands has positive physical reactions. The article states “Holding hands with your significant other decreases the level of a stress hormone called cortisol. Even the touch of a friend or a teammate can make us feel more content, connected, or better about ourselves. When we are stressed out, a light touch on our hand can help ease the strain, both physically and mentally. Our skin also gets more sensitive when cortisol is rushing through our bloodstream, so the touch of a helping hand will have a significantly larger impact. The largest concentration of nerve endings is actually contained inside the hands and fingertips.

Now I know we are still in a pandemic so there are some actions that should not be occurring. Yet I must confess I have hugged a person or two who were experiencing significant emotional issues and needed a hug. I have held a few hands that needed a hand held while they talked. It felt like the right thing to do. Was it done safely? Absolutely. Would I do it again? Yes.

There are other ways we can show caring and warmth for others. We can send a thinking of you text. Call to say hello and check in. Tell people that you love them. At the grocery we can keep our eyes up and look people in the eye. Even when you smile at someone with your mask on the eyes show it. Say hello to people. Every single one of us can be a ray of warmth and sunshine in the life of someone else.

If you are going through your own darkness and challenges, doing caring actions for others helps you feel less dark and down. An article in NAMI states “A 2016 study published in Psychosomatic Medicine: Journal of Biobehavioral Medicine found that giving had greater benefits than receiving. Participants in the study who gave help showed reduced stress and increased feelings of reward in their brain imaging. This research points to the conclusion that when you help others, you’re also helping yourself.”

Remember back in the day when there were flash dance mobs of people who did not know each other showing up at a mall to dance it up. What if we created flash “kindness mobs” where our focus was bringing some joy, warmth, and caring to others unexpectedly for no other reason than just to do it?

“I alone cannot change the world, but I can cast a stone across the waters to create many ripples.” Mother Theresa

So people just as the sun shines just to do it’s sunshine thing, perhaps you can do your own personal ray of warmth thing. You are the only you there ever will be and our hurting world needs all the warmth you can give. The beauty in spreading warmth and caring for others is that you grow more warmth inside of you. When the Grinch started to feel love again his heart grew three sizes. Just imagine what could happen to your heart by showing compassion to others. How your own flash mob of kindness could change the life of someone and you too. That is a power every single one of us possesses if we choose to use it. I am all in. Want to join me?

May your warmth be with you.