SHIFTING THE MASCULINE PARADIGM

YOU ARE ENOUGH. HE SHOULD KNOW WHAT I WANT!

BY NICOLE HEROUX WILLIAMS I PHOTOS BY NSP STUDIO BY AMY BLISS

Other Fallacies… As the gift-giving season approaches, your excitement mounts with fingers crossed that this will be the year he finally gets it right.

Does this sound familiar? Morning has arrived and everyone is gathered dressed in their favorite holiday pajamas. There is wrapping paper everywhere. The kids are excitedly playing with whatever latest gadgets they have been begging for for months and your partner hands you a large, wrapped present with a smile, beaming with pride. You take the box, trying to hide from your face the thought “this box is WAY too big and FAR too heavy to be that bracelet I have been dropping hints about” while quietly saying a silent prayer that he just wrapped the little box inside a much bigger one. You then plaster a smile on your face as you unwrap a juicer (or wireless vacuum or fuzzy car seat covers or a piece of exercise equipment or…)

He excitedly says, “you said you wanted to make smoothies!” Or “you are always complaining about the vacuum cord not reaching!” Or “you say you hate sticking to the car seats in the summer and don’t like how cold they are in the winter!” Or “you always say you want to workout, but don’t have time to get to the gym. Now you can do it here!” You tell him how much your love it and how thoughtful he is, while trying desperately to hide your growing disappointment and frustration. gift. Every anniversary. Every time you have admired your friend’s necklace within earshot of him. Every time you have commented on a fragrance when passing someone wearing it. Every time you’ve said in passing “gifts should come from the heart and not necessarily practicality.” And yet, here you are with your shiny new slow cooker or blanket or garden tool. Then to add insult to

injury, your sister shows up for dinner raving about the earrings or leather coat or weekend getaway that her partner got her. Great, you think. Just great. As you reluctantly show her your new…

So why does this keep happening? The short answer is, like us, men are, in fact, NOT mind readers. This idea that the person you have chosen to spend your life with should “just know” is unrealistic and frankly, unreasonable. Do we learn more and more about our partners as time goes on? Of course we do! And humans are complex creatures. No one else will ever truly know all of our thoughts and desires. Which is arguably a very good thing. I know I definitely have thoughts that I am thankful no one can read!

But it goes far beyond this ridiculous expectation. Men are conditioned to believe that they are just supposed to know. Which is largely where this idea that they are mind readers and should know about every want and desire we have, comes from. Women are conditioned to believe this as well. To make things even more difficult, it is considered a weakness – something they have been taught to avoid like the plague – to ask questions. Questions imply that they don’t know. And they are supposed to know. Do you see the circular trap here?

To make matters worse, men are also conditioned to be the fixer. He is supposed to ride in and save the day. Knowing exactly what to do without asking a single question. Including the all-important question, “do you actually want him to fix it?”

The thing is, he IS listening. Since he can’t ASK you, he has to figure it out in other ways. So, he pays attention to what you say and how important it seems to you in the moment. You have probably been FAR more vocal about the situations that lead to the practical gift than you were in your subtle,

“As the gift-giving season approaches, your excitement mounts with fingers crossed that this will be the year he finally gets it right.”

probably VERY subtle, hints on what you actually wanted. He was listening every time you mentioned how much you wish you could make smoothies at home. Or every time you swore under your breath that the vacuum cleaner cord is too short. He HEARD you. In his conditioned role as The Fixer he is thinking about ways to make your life easier. Because he wants your life to be easier.

What about us? Women are conditioned to not ask for what we want. Asking for something makes us seem selfish and greedy. We are supposed to put everyone else’s wants and needs before our own. Great strides have been made to undo much of this. But while we have learned to put ourselves first at times, ASKING someone else for something? That’s a whole different ball of wax and is still very difficult for many of us. Hence the subtle little hints we hope and pray he will pick up on.

So here you are. He won’t ask what you want – he can’t look weak or show you that he doesn’t know. And you can’t bring yourself ask for what you want and appear to be selfish or greedy.

Now you may be pushing back on some or all of this. I get it. It doesn’t feel good.

Or you may be saying, “I have no issues asking for what I want!” Or “I know he can’t read my mind!” Here’s the thing about conditioning, it’s deep. It started at birth and is largely unconscious and insidious. You may not even realize how much you are still holding on to. Evidenced by the fact that you are now holding your brand new juicer. So what can you do?? The short answer is: tell him what you want. I know, easier said than done. And this may be a bit tricky depending on how many years the practical gifts have been coming. You don’t want to shame him for trying. And he is trying.

Start by telling him that you know how much effort he puts into figuring out what you want. That you know he is listening and you appreciate that about him. That you haven’t been great in your dropping of hints. Or that those weren’t as loud as your grumblings in the moment. Then say that you have an idea to take the guesswork out it. And would he like to talk about it. I’d hazard to guess this will be met with a sigh of relief and a resounding “YES!” Remember, he wants to please you.

Now maybe you don’t want to tell him something specific as you desire some level of surprise and/or him to put some of himself into the gift. So talk about it. Ask him if he wants you to tell him exactly what you want. Or would he rather select from a list of a few things? Maybe you could leave little wish lists, personal registry of sorts, at shops that would allow that – think boutiques and stand-alone businesses. Maybe your local jeweler would be happy to keep a piece of paper with your name and a few item numbers on it for him to come in and chose from later. Maybe you window shop together and make a day of it. Amazon has shareable “wish lists.” You can get as creative as you want with this. making you happy. That he got it right. And maybe, just maybe, this will start a trend of being able to communicate what you want in other areas…

~~~~~~~~~~~ Amy Bliss, JD, MBA, is the founder of The Warrior cOre, which offers coaching, workshops, men’s groups and retreats to help men identify and shed the conditioning from family, society, religion, educational systems and culture, of what a man is “supposed to be” and learn to live as the humans they are, independent of these constraints. To connect, please visit thewarriorcore. com or schedule a Discovery Call at https://amybliss.as.me/

NOTE: To all non-binary readers – this and other articles are written from a binary and usually heterosexual perspective, not to be exclusionary, but rather because our conditioning is binary. It starts with the proclamation “It’s a girl!” or “It’s a boy!” Other ways of being generally show up well after these statements and long into the conditioning. The other reason is that non-binary, non-hetero identifying people tend to be much further along in the process of undoing conditioning than those who identify as binary and/or hetero.