GRRRL ASYLUM ISSUE #2

GRRRL ASYLUM Issue #2

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Examining Strength Sarah Byerley I go in the morning to see my therapist. He sits across from me at his desk, forms spread out before him. He doesn't look up at me as I sit down.

After a moment we exchange pleasantries and he asks the usual questions - how have you been eating, how have you been sleeping, how has the job hunt been going?

I admit to him that finding a job hasn't been going well.

I tell him all about my fear, that I am afraid that one day I'll be trapped behind a cash register or stuck desperately clutching a tray full of drinks when my exabuser walks through the door.

He looks down his nose at me and shifts his arms which are crossed. He tells me that he likes to think that one day I'll be strong enough to handle that.

I think about this for a moment and before I can help myself I find that I'm shaking my head at him.

"No, I don't agree. I don't think you understand. I am strong right now. I am strong, even with that fear inside me.

I'm strong for recognizing that the relationship wasn't healthy. I'm strong for getting out of it and leaving him, even though it was dangerous to do.

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I'm strong for having been able to forget his phone number, even if I'll never forget his house or his face or his smell.

I'm strong for knowing that he hurt me, that I can't trust him, and that what he did to me wasn't out of love.

I'm strong for not going back to him even though he was familiar to me.

I think I'm strongest of all for knowing that I'm not safe around him and I'm not safe seeing him, in public or in private, and that I need to respect myself enough to keep myself safe.

Even in all the pain and weakness that I have from my relationship with him, I have come out stronger and I recognize that.

Despite my fear of seeing him I'm still forced to go places that I might run into him or apply to jobs where he might find me.

So no, I don't think you're right.

I am strong."

The rest of the session after that was awkward and plodding. After about twenty minutes I asked him if he minded me leaving our session early, he said he didn't.

I walked out of his office that day with my back straight and my eyes set forward, and I never went back there again.

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By Clare Vernon 4

Stream-bed in Springtime snakesmith The tree puts forth many-lipped spirals in shades of purple, froth white–– the bees are drawn to pollinate.

The berries will, later, come: dark stippled weights at branch-tip.

I stand in the world looking up.

The branches grow sun-drenched, pillars of solid self, circles lifting.

I am told I am not strong enough.

The rain comes again upon the damp earth.

The rain comes again over branch-shadow and groove, the stream-bed filled, its contents washed away. No standing wave, the water cannot hold itself up. The stream-bed is an empty space. A litter of rocks.

And I am told my purpose is receptacle.

Ear.The twisting labyrinth of cartilage, I hear What thou biddest. Unargued I obey.

I am taught not to question, turn instead to the noise inside my breast unknowing

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By Clare Vernon

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Pronoun Stickers by tumblr user pi-ratical.

Pi-ratical.tumblr.com

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Essay: Sarah Szymanski "'I think I'm bisexual,� my friend whispered to me in her front yard. We were celebrating the first day of the ninth grade.

We had ordered a box of chicken from the local pizza place and were sitting outside and eating it.

'I like girls,' she whispered again, and described to me in length, her crush on B'Elanna Torres, a Star Trek character.

She looked a little scared though, as if this information might change something between us. I just smiled, a little surprised maybe, and reassured her: 'That's okay. Sometimes I look at girls and think they're a little more than just pretty too."

Wait, what?!

I grew up with homophobic parents. They mocked pride parades and didn't like seeing gay couples anywhere. I suppose I grew up being somewhat homophobic too. But I wasn't going to hold anything against my best friend. And really thinking about it, the idea of being with a girl appealed to me too. A couple weeks later I joined a group of friends and went to the annual fall fair that was held in our town.

None of the girls I was with hid the fact that they were lesbians. After the fair we went to one of their houses and through the corner of my eye I watched two of the girls make out. I was fascinated. They talked about girls they found attractive, and just being gay in general. They pointed out that I was "the only straight one". I wanted to protest, and that was when I realized I had some thinking to do.

The thinking didn't last too long because in November I got a boyfriend. So almost any thinking about my sexuality ceased until the summer. I didn't see my best friend much during the school year, and she and my boyfriend didn't get along. But because we lived near each other, we were together almost every day in the summer. She was an open person, up for talking about her sexuality and anything personal. Towards 8

the end of the summer, I had very nearly accepted that my feelings for girls were real.

I broke up with my boyfriend later in the summer. Things just weren't working out. My sexuality had nothing to do with it- I knew I was still attracted to boys. I just didn't want to date him. And on top of that, I had developed another crush. On a girl.

A straight girl, of course. But she was gorgeous, funny, confident and outspoken- everything I was not. We were friends, but that was really all. The crush was short lived, but it had been real. My first true feelings for a girl. More would follow, but not for some time.

I spent the majority of the tenth grade dating another boy, but this time I didn't push my sexuality to the back of my mind. I thought about it constantly. Was I really bisexual? I worried that I was only thinking about this because suddenly there were a lot of people coming out around me, and that I was just being influenced. I didn't actually like girls, I just thought I did! Right?

But come April of my sophomore year, and I totally accepted my feelings, my sexuality, and myself. I came out to my boyfriend and several of my friends. Everyone I told was very accepting, and I was happy. I still questioned my sexuality sometimes, heck, I probably still do. Accepting feelings that aren't deemed 'normal' by parts of society, your friends or family members is hard. But you can give yourself time to think about it. Or don't. But never push parts of yourself away because you're afraid or nervous. I'm glad I didn't. It looks like I do find girls 'more than just pretty'. And I'm pretty damn happy about being who I am."

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Tessmunster.tumblr.com

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Love Letter from my Wideness -khadeja This is top to bottom, side to side honesty, from me.

Growing up was more like bearing down, pushing downward, then outward— BUT Never upward!

Girls like me become women who need room, because growing out means thinking wide, means way more contact on both sides.

(Could you handle it? Could I have your contractions?)

My wideness is: me-atoms inside that push and push and push – farthest and out, and then bounce against the frame of my skin; she’s working so hard holding it all together within. Phew.

It looks impossible for a second, let alone a whole day, let alone a whole life.

But it is the only living thing in my cortex.

My wideness wants: to explode! To force out! To push, push, PUSH! To be free!

But I am the Goddess of my wideness, myself.

You are not wide, I am wide— and you know, it’s alright. It will always be alright.

I will get space to push. They are allowed. I love myself enough for that.

Love me enough, too. Here’s how: Stand back, let it be, and most importantly, let me be wide like this, so we can still love each other.

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5 things NOT to say/do to a *Pansexual, Politically Lesbian Queer Girl who just happens to be dating a boy -kelsriot 1. Don’t say I came back for the “D”. Seriously. Its fucking insulting for you to A: Suggest that I am so completely dense and shallow that my partner’s genitals are enough to make me abandon my attraction to women and B: Suggest that women can’t be completely satisfied by one another. Genitalia has zero to do with why I love the person I love.

2. Don’t call me straight. Being with a guy changes absolutely zero about who I am. Yes, I am aware that I am straight passing and that to strangers who see me hand in hand with my fella on the street they’d assume we are a heterosexual couple. But to friends, family, co-workers etc. I CAME OUT TO YOU. Me being with a dude doesn’t just reverse that. You don’t just wake up one day and decide to quit your sexuality. It WASN’T a phase and I still love women.

3. Don’t exclude me from queer spaces. Let me go ahead and acknowledge my privilege from being straight passing. As a woman whose last relationship was a three year long one with another woman I am completely aware of the fact that I have it much easier than many people in our community. I realize I can now pass through the world often without judgment from others because to most people, 1 boy+ 1 girl= 2 Straights. I actually kind of hate that people can’t tell because after coming out over 13

8 years ago, I am so fucking proud to be queer.

Please don’t try to stifle me when I express that pride. Don’t sneer at me when I dance at the club with my boyfriend. Don’t tell me I don’t belong. I am not a ‘hasbian’. I am not bicurious.

This is a community. I am queer just like you.

4. Don’t tell me gay jokes, and DON’T joke about me dating women First of all, gay jokes have been and always will be tasteless. Being gay is no funnier than being straight. Its 2014. At this point, if you’re telling gay jokes, I am going to assume you are uneducated and therefore engaging with you is a waste of my time.

Secondly, who I am is not a joke. Period.

5. Do NOT ask me “which I like better” The whole thing about Pansexuality is that gender is kind of secondary when it comes to attraction to others. There is no preference. When I fall in love with someone, I’m not falling in love with their equipment. I’m falling in love with the way they make me feel.

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No I’m not gay No I’m not straight And I’m sure as hell not bisexual dammit I am whoever I am when I am it.

Loving whoever you are when the stars shine And whoever you’ll be when the sun rises Yes, I like girls Yes, I like boys Yes, I like boys who like boys I like girls who wear toys and girls who don’t Girls who don’t call themselves girls Crew cuts or curls or that really bad hair phase in between -Andrea Gibson

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note: This is from February 2008, when i was 16. —genesis grey Self-Care Plan 1. Have the cheese party. Enjoy the cheese party.

2. Take a multivitamin and two calcium tablets each day. Take flax seed oil every five days.

3. Reserve a day for cooking for the week.

Make hummus, entreĂŠs, etc. Listen to music/podcasts while doing so.

4. Eat meals balanced with fruits/vegetables, grains, and proteins. Refrain from incessant snacking. Eat good, plain organic yogurt occasionally.

5. Exercise when it's warm enough and spend more time outside and less time on the computer.

6. Get my hair cut regularly. Deep condition it regularly.

7. Take myself out some place fun at least once a month. Write about it.

8. Make time to meditate at least once a week.

Maintain my altar. Be a better neopagan.

9. Don't go more than two weeks without seeing a West Chester [ed: shorthand for close/old friend at the time].

10. Restrict cheese intake (aside from cheese party).

11. Be more honest about what I feel.

12. Be sensitive to myself when I am stressed and act accordingly.

13. Know what I'm having for dinner the day before; maybe make my lunches in advance?

14. Make time for more creative projects.

15. Listen to music every day.

16. Consider staying after school sometimes to practice bassoon instead of forcing myself to lug it home.

17. See the therapist once a week.

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Fantasmas en mi cabeza – Leslie Boroczk 17

ARTIST INFO: KelsRiot – Let Your Beauty Unfold, Love Your Fat, “5 things NOT to

say/do to a *Pansexual…”

TUMBLR: http://kelsriot.tumblr.com Sarah Byerly – Examining Strength Clare Vernon – Photography featured on pages 4 and 6 CARGO: cargocollective.com/clarevernon Leslie Boroczk. – Cover Art (Fantasmas en mi cabeza II) and Fantasmas en mi cabeza pg 17 TUMBLR: http://lb-lb-lb.tumblr.com snakesmith– Streambed in Springtime EMAIL: aolundsmith@gmail.com Sarah Szymanski – Bisexual Essay TUMBLR: http://aradiafuckingmegido.tumblr.com Khadeja Merenkov – Love Letter from my Wideness TUMBLR: http://khakov.tumblr.com Genesis Grey – Self Care Plan ZINE: http://facebook.com/rpd.grrrls.riot

NEXT MONTH’S THEMES: LOVE SURVIVAL SEND SUBMISSIONS TO GRRRLSSMASHPATRIARCHY@GMAIL.COM ALL SUBMISSIONS MUST BE IN BY FEBRUARY 6, 2014 FIND US AT https://www.facebook.com/GrrrlsSmashingthePatriarchy http://grrrls-smashing-the-patriarchy.tumblr.com/

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