Contra
Keshia. A
I
am a paradox.
I want to be but I don’t want to be. There is no actual truth or right or wrong.
Oblivious I have forgotten since when I became the one who care less; either in friendship, school, or relationship. It’s either a gift or a misery. Life is so much easier when I think that nothing can affect me except when I let them to. There was a saying “If you never take it seriously, you never get hurt”. People think it comes from really not caring; on the contrary, it comes from fear of caring too much. Being the “queen of not giving a shit” doesn’t make one healthier or stronger or wiser or cooler or even happier. It just makes you feel less human. It makes you feel, less and less. By keep telling that I don’t care maybe I’ll start believing it. But that way I fear of losing people around me, even losing myself. 2
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“I have never agreed with my other self wholly. 4
Kahlil Gibran Kahlil Gibran 5
The truth of the matter seems to lie between us.�
One moment I could feel extremely sad. All of bad things happened in the past starts coming out and occupying my whole mind. The voices in my mind kept talking about the past regrets as if I didn’t deserve anything good ever again. And I felt like a failure for letting those bad things happen to me. Then another voice in my head said, go take a break, relax. I didn’t take long to realize the problem is not a big matter. All of those bad thoughts are not useful because it won’t take me anywhere better. We should be grateful and cherish life. All those pretty and encouraging words lifted me up a bit.
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Two Voices
The next moment I felt bad again. Why even my head won’t let me be sad even for a while. It always contradicts itself by asking me to be immediately happy when I know I’m not. 7
Euphoria I’m also afraid to be too happy. Not happy, but being overly joyful. There were moments when I felt much peacefulness and bliss inside. It’s those feelings when you can only feel it at that exact second, when everything looks perfect you won’t want to ask for more. 8
However, happiness sometimes can be overwhelming it scares me. It’s like shouting: “Nothing lasts forever! All these things will disappear. Things are mortal, everything you love will be gone in the end” That was like a warning for me not to be emotionally attached to happiness, and I should keep everything in moderate. Doesn’t that mean I’m limiting myself to be happy? I don’t want to be unhappy too. So what should I feel? How should I react to happiness?
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