2010 Edition
What does "Reconciliation" mean to children? Seven year olds are learning all the time - particularly from what goes on at home.
It is in the home that children learn right from wrong - and what it means to be sorry and be forgiven.
At a Parish meeting, parents and children were asked to prepare a story together.
The story was to be about a time when the seven year old *knew that he or she was wrong, *had a change of heart and *put things right with their parent. Here are two of their stories.
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1 Tommy and his sister, Amanda, told this story: We fell out with Mum and went over to Grandad's house. He gave us money to go to the shop to buy ourselves sweets. But then we changed our minds. (We might say they had a change of heart.) We bought biscuits for Mum instead - and took them home to her.
• Tommy and Amanda By returning home with a "peace offering", Tom and Amanda owned up to whatever had gone wrong and said, Sorry! in action. How did they come to their change of heart? Did the cooling off time they had - away from their mother have anything to do with that change?
Brian's tale shows he knew about times when he was happier because someone else changed But he was not yet aware of the importance of times when he had to change. So the story he chose missed the whole point of the activity.
I was out playing when the icecream van came round. I shouted up to the window for money to spend. But my mother said, 'No!' I wouldn't listen to her. I went on shouting - but I didn't get it. I stopped shouting and went up to the door - and then it was alright. She gave me the money.
• Brian does not seem to remember any time when he realised he was wrong and owned up! Talk with the people near you and make up a story that a boy like Brian could tell about a time when: he knew he was wrong, owned up & showed he was sorry. How could the parent help him put his story together?
What the "Experts" say:
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Both stories could happen with the same child. Seven year olds are not clear about what they, themselves, should do to put things right. They need explanation and discussion - on the spot - while the event is still in their minds.
'Owning up' is the 1st step to 'Making Up' Many books are written by experts on how to bring up childen. But, in the end, you have to be your own expert. Try out your skills on this story!
Johnny's Story A mother told her son, Johnny not to touch a ball belonging to his brother, Tony. Johnny later took the ball and went out to play with Jimmy, his friend. The ball went under a car and burst! Jimmy and Johnny both come up to the door with the burst ball. What do they say?
Owning up is not easy!
Do children sometimes own up by actions?
(Show the thing they have spoiled? Express regret by a cuddle? What else?)
What Do You Think? Parent's First Response
Small children cannot make judgements by themselves. They may not see the difference between an accident and a deliberate fault - like taking a forbidden ball! The seriousness of their wrong-doing Johnny has to learn that: 1. Taking the ball was wrong; has to be reflected in the parent’s face and words. 2. This is a time - when ‘sorry’ is not enough! What might the mother say to Johnny about the burst ball?
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Forgiveness is the 2nd Step Children need to feel forgiven and loved.
Every attempt at regret should be sealed with a friendly gesture - a smile, a hug, etc.
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Children need to learn to forgive others. How will Tony react to Johnny and the burst ball? Will he forgive?
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'Making up' can be a bit Smudgy!
Here is what one parent said:
'I don't think I often 'own up' directly - or hear words of forgiveness. That wouldn't work too well in our house - at least among the adults. I suppose we do 'make up' - but in an indirect way. When I've hurt someone I try to put things right - but it's by looks and gestures with only a few words. The response is a bit 'Smudgy' too. What is it like in your house?
Before we try to share our thoughts, read Sue's story.
Sue's Story
The little girl, Sue, came home late and the mother was, rightly, annoyed. But she got too angry - and she knew it! Sue banged out of the living room and went to her bedroom. The mother told me that she knew Sue would be making something for her; a drawing, perhaps, to show she was sorry. The mother was sorry too, so she went to the icecream van and bought sweets. Then she waited till Sue was ready. When Sue came out of her room she held out the picture and said, 'That’s for you’. The mother took the picture and showed pleasure and interest in it. Then the mother said, ‘I’ve something for you too. Come and have a sweetie and we’ll watch the T.V. together.’
A Special Correspondent comments on the story:
I was fascinated that they already knew what the other would do to make up. They had a kind of family ritual they both understood, without words.
Could Reconciliation happen like that in Your House? Do you already know what your children might do to show they want forgiveness? Do they know when you are sorry for something you have said or done? Do you have a story you can share?
Reconciliation in Words Adults may use actions to show they are sorry but they could use words if they have thought about where they were wrong and searched, in their minds, for words to express their regret. If children are to grow in understanding and judgement, they need to find their own words for their mistakes and regrets. What words could Johnny use to own up to his mother about Tony's ball?
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Could Johnny say exactly the same words at his First Confession if he wanted to tell this same story ?
Something to do at Home To make sense of the Sacrament of Reconciliation, children need to understand
Three Ideas.
Here is an activity which may help them. Share the Johnny story with your child, using the Three steps: Johnny owned up; his parents talked it through with him & forgave him; They were a happy family again. Talk with your children about something they did wrong recently. Ask them to write or draw:
1.
How I owned up and showed I was sorry.
.2. What my parent said
to show me I was wrong and then to show forgiveness. 3. What we both did to show that we felt happy together.
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Did you think you said "Sorry"? - when you said: Sorry, but ..........!
Parents sometimes know they should apologise, so they say, ‘I’m sorry I shouted at you’. Then they may add, ‘But it was your fault for bringing your dirty boots in.' ..or whatever. Do you ever do that? Does every apology carry an excuse?
Children will do whatever they see their parents doing. So, if we always have an excuse, they will always have an excuse!
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If we want them to own up - we will have to be able to do it ourselves! But it is tricky! Children should grow up understanding that wrongs are often two-sided. An apology to them should make them ready to own up to their part - if they had a share in the trouble.
How do we help them learn this?
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