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The BarTab has finally cashed in on its promise to bring “it”. This was no small or sobering act. We decided to get the low down – the skinny if you will - on the 25th anniversary of our brief independence. Yet another reason to have another week a year to party & to celebrate. Another week to get outside & take “it” in – the brilliant weather – the mayhem - the reason we all slave away & stick it out down here. This issue we decided in was time for a history lesson. BarTab’s star reporter Chuck White got the low down on the story of The Birth of this Nation (pg 16). Also, Chuck got a chance to sit down with legendary musician Tyvek Velvette (pg 34). We also got a full load this issue. It’s been a while since all of our resident writers chimed in, but the gang’s all here, Hoebee talks about life, art & what happens when you let a crazy one-nightstand stay the night (pg 22), Chris got mesmerized by Kwelvis’ junk (pg 24), Leigh’s testing you to see how close you’ve been paying attention (pg 52), & Marla wrapped it all up with the Last Call this issue (pg 60). That about does it. Enjoy. Be our friend at MySpace.com/KeyWestBarTab. Chime in & let us know what you think. 8 kwBarTab.com
And of course, read & drink responsibly!
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The year was 1982. America was in the midst of an economical & spiritual reawakening under the guidance of President Ronald Reagan. The political atmosphere throughout this great country was, for the most part, one of contentment. Then one fine April morning, the good citizens of the city of Key West (an island measuring not much greater than 2 miles wide & 4 miles long) found themselves at the center of a brewing controversy - a controversy with far-reaching implications & ramifications. Overnight the United States federal government had magically moved this country’s southernmost U.S. border some 100 miles north, to the heart of the upper Florida key of Homestead. This strategic maneuver would in theory help stem the flow of America’s flourishing illegal alien & drug trade. The feds had literally put a tourniquet on the only passage entering & exiting the Florida Keys. News spread quickly across the Coconut Telegraph. Tourist, local & commercial traffic was stopped & greeted 16 kwBarTab.com
by customs inspectors & federal agents in the middle of nowhere. Both northbound & southbound traffic became gnarled & the ripple effect made an immediate impact on the Keys’ fragile tourism-driven economy. When trucks carrying beer began missing scheduled deliveries on Duval Street in mid-April, enough was enough. Being that Key West is such a small, tightly knit community, it didn’t take long for the island’s inner sanctum to band together & plan a retaliatory attack. Mayor Dennis Wardlow made his way to the Federal courthouse in Miami & filed motions that questioned the legality of the displaced border & demanded that it be removed immediately. As he left the courtroom, a reporter approached him & asked what his options might be if the legal processes failed him. He sarcastically responded, “We’ll have to secede. If we are to be treated as a Third World country then it would be okay to begin acting like one.” By the time the mayor & his legal team returned to Key West, the story had already made the major national news.
What happened next was one of guerilla theatre’s greatest moments in U.S. history. Wardlow felt that the tides were beginning to turn in his favor. The new border stops had yielded zero illegal aliens & it was rumored that half a joint was found in the ashtray of a couple of off duty Miami cops. The Feds were looking overzealous, silly & vulnerable. Some of Key West’s most notable & colorful characters decided it was time to make a mockery of the whole situation. Key West declared war on the United States as the sovereign nation of “The Conch Republic,” sent a schooner into the Atlantic with a crew armed with only stale Cuban bread, filed for one billion dollars in foreign aid & then promptly surrendered. Satellite trucks from major television networks & cable stations began arriving in Mallory Square to cover the story. Come evening, the day’s events were the fodder for Jay Leno’s ‘Tonight Show’ monologue & a lead story on cable giant CNN’s ‘Headline News.’ It was the beginning of the end. Needless to say, the border stop was quickly dismantled & Key West slipped back into some form of normalcy. Despite the fact that the Key West was gifted a quick & favorable resolution in its’ challenge of the legality of the government’s misguided actions, there was still much work
left to be done. Wardlow was now straddled with the responsibility of creating an infrastructure for this newly formed government & he began the arduous task of designating his political appointees. Warldlow unabashedly waltzed into the role Conch Republic’s First Prime Minister (an honor & title assumed & held still today by all serving Mayors). The best yet, Wardlow transcended a stereotype that defines most politicians. In the very moment that most glory seeking power mongers would seize as an opportunity & spotlight for political gain, (Don’t forget, the national press was glued to this story). Wardlow instead stepped aside & turned the attention toward the very pranksters & merrymakers who, behind the scenes, helped hatch the secession plot in the first place. Treasure hunter Mel Fisher would be ceremoniously dubbed King Emeritus. (It would be three years later when he finally found the Atocha mother lode & twelve years after he found the first cannons). Willamina “Wild Willie” Harvey found herself with the honor of serving as Head of Armed Forces. She was in all reality the quintessential matriarchal figure of not only Key West but also the State of Florida. She was the widow of five term Key West Mayor CB Harvey & held the lay to the claim as one of the first women to vote in the State of Florida. She was as well the first woman to hold office in the Sunshine State. She took her appointment with unbridled enthusiasm & left this community with the indelible image of her flower-laden headdress & a sword by her continued on pg 18 17
side. Upon her death in 2005, a funeral procession wound its way through Old Town with her hat & sword atop a horse as they made their way to the Key West Coast Guard Station. Although the Coast Guard was symbolically associated with the government as an adversary in the initial confrontation with Uncle Sam, Willie’s spunk & sincerity help forge a mutual respect between Conchs & their military neighbors that today make the foundation of the Conch Republic’s Independence Day celebration. There are so many others who were an integral part of the birth of the Conch Republic but that is a book into itself. RIP General Geoff Chapman. God Bless Capt. Frank, Reef Perkins & Admiral Finbar. By 1990, the momentous uproar that gave birth to the Conch Nation had slowly but surely become a distant whisper. Time had somehow pushed its relevance toward the brink of extinction. But has fate has it, Peter Anderson landed on the rock. Even though he landed here over a few years after the debacle, his fascination with the story inspired him to become the keeper of the flame & has been ranked Secretary General of the Conch Republic.
As an annual event, each year is given a theme, Past themes include (and I’m sure you’ve seen some of the shirts!): “Growing Old Disgracefully”, “I’m Incognito”, “May the Farce Be With You”, “2001: A Spaced Oddity”, & “Camp Big Kid” The 2007 25th Anniversary theme is a simple “US”. It’s a perfect sign of the times. The Conch Republic officially endorses the ongoing “ONE HUMAN FAMILY” campaign that was born in Key West & has propagated around the world. I see “US” & I think about each & every one of us. But then it still invokes the image of U.S. as in United States & then it reminds me that this whole tale could never have happened anywhere else on the planet. Friday April 20, 2007 kicks off a 10 day celebration of the 25th Anniversary of the Conch Republic’s Declaration of Independence. See the list of events on page 20.
Special thanks again to Peter Anderson - Secretary General of the Conch Republic & Capt Frank Holden for helping with us with the accuracy of this article. Long live the Conch Republic! 18 kwBarTab.com
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Friday, April 20th
The Raising of the Colors & Conch Republic Military Muster Fort Taylor :: noon-4pm
Wednesday, April 25th
Fairvilla Red Ribbon Bed Race Pole Position Pre-Party Shanna Key :: 7pm
The Kick Off Party Conch Shell Blowing Contest Schooner Wharf Bar :: 7pm
Thursday, April 26th
Saturday, April 21st
Friday, April 27th
The Great Conch Republic Drag Race Bourbon Street :: 1-11pm Conch Republic Royal Family Investiture Party The Green Parrot :: 8pm
Sunday, April 22nd
Conch Republic 2007 Music Festival Green Parrot :: 1pm
Monday, April 23
rd
1st 2d Annual Scooter Poker Run Island Dogs :: Noon CR Naval Parade & Great Battle for the Conch Republic Ocean Key Resort :: 7pm The Victory Party The Schooner Wharf Bar :: 9pm
Saturday, April 28st
Fairvilla 24th Annual CR Red Ribbon Bed Race Duval Street :: 2 - 5pm
The Reenactment of the Secession Mallory Square / Ocean Key Resort :: Noon
The Conch Republic Fiddler’s Contest Green Parrot Bar :: 2 - 7pm
Tuesday, April 24th
Sunday, April 29th
The Captains’ Meeting for the Bloody Battle Schooner Wharf Bar :: 9pm
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The Wrecker’s Race Series Finale Sunset Pier :: 1pm Awards Ceremony for Wreckers Race Schooner Wharf :: 7pm
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It was a hot August Saturday night in ’02 when I met her. I’d had a few drinks (50) when she sat next to me at the bar. She was kind of cute, so I didn’t mind when she chugged my drink. It’s not like I was going to dehydrate or anything. I found it a tad strange when she said she thought it was hers because she didn’t have one when she sat down. She proceeded to tell me her sob story. (Unsolicited, I might add.) It’s a story I’ve heard many times: Just moved here, boyfriend left, broke, yada yada yada. One thing led to another & we skipped the prom & went straight to the back of the limo - so to speak. The problem wasn’t that night, it was the next morning when I woke up & wanted to eat my arm off to get it out from under her. Problem was - it was my house. I knew I was in over my head when she immediately used my toothbrush & ate an entire box of Raisin Bran, which would wreak havoc in my bathroom later on. She asked for my phone number so her mom would know where she was. It was then I realized she was planning on staying. The name Candy was tattooed on her left arm so I figured that was her name. She flipped when I called her Candy & proceeded to tell me how mean her dad gets when guys “mistreat her.” Now, I 22 kwBarTab.com
still didn’t know her name, plus I had visions of her hillbilly daddy chasing me down the street with a full load of rock salt in his double-barreled shotgun, plus I had a huge hangover. Could it get any worse? Yup. Shortly after finishing all of the cereal she started talking. A lot! I realized that Mike Tyson had a higher I.Q.; she didn’t know the difference between French onion soup & the French Foreign Legion. I then received a call from a female coworker & “Candy” (?!?) went into detective mode & hung up the phone asking, “Who the hell is the whore on the phone?” This coming from the girl who just “did it” with me after knowing me for 2 hours. It was at this point she told me that she loved her ex so much that she made a patchwork quilt out of his underpants for X-mas. As she regaled me with non-stop stories of her “glorious” past, I realized that only if I sculpted a woman out of crap could she be more full of shit than this one was.
At this point the Raisin Bran started kicking in & she started passing gas like a NASCAR pit crew, which she denied, even though we were the only 2 there. When I came back into the room after another phone call, the change on my desk had disappeared like cupcakes at a pot party. When I asked her to leave, the swear words started flyin’ like puke on a tilt-a-whirl at the county fair. I asked if she had stolen enough for cab fare or did she need more. She, of course, needed more. After insulting my genitalia several times, she finally left. I breathed a huge sigh of relief. Until the next day. The phone calls started & didn’t stop for weeks. Finally, when I found her sleeping in front of my door, I decided it was time for a restraining order. I found out she had many restraining orders against her. Last week she called again. And again & again, saying she was coming back into town & would “love to see me again.” Which would be fine with me if she were 100 feet or more away. Time to re-up the restraining order. The psycho-magnet (me) strikes again! As Norm Peterson once said, “It’s a dog eat dog world & I’m wearing Milk Bone underpants.”
Bill Hoebee is on weekday mornings on the Florida Keys #1 radio show, “Hoebee in the Morning” on WAIL 99.5 FM & also appears on Comcast Spotlight News on Channel 19 weeknights at 6, 9 & 11pm. 23
It’s the 25th anniversary of the Conch Republic & I am having trouble deciding if it means anything to me. You see, I live in the Conch Republic. Some of my friends are Conchs. I like Conch fritters, Conch chowder; I drink at the Conch Farm & think Conch shells are pretty cool, too. Sometimes I feel like an actual Conch. Not the local, bornhere kind. (Although I do like Bud Light & the occasional Crown & 7 with a lime). I’m more like the shellfish variety. I have a thorny, rather unattractive hard shell of an outside, but I’m pretty gooey & chewy on the inside. I’m also pretty delicious with a little Tabasco. All of this is wonderful, but why the hell should I care about the 25th anniversary of the Republic of Conch. I decided I’d better do a little more research to have a clearer understanding. My diligent online digging found that 25 years ago the U.S. Border Patrol (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/U.S._ Border_Patrol) road-blocked & check-pointed the only way in or out of the island - making it a big pain in the ass for everyone coming or going. It took a toll on tourism & it really messed up the drug trade as people were trying to get their weed & other goods in & out for business. Long story short, after a failed attempt to get an injunction to stop the federal blockade, Key West seceded from the United States at Mallory Square April 23. They began the Conch Republic’s Civil Rebellion by breaking a loaf of stale Cuban bread over the head of a man dressed in a U.S. Navy 24 kwBarTab.com
uniform. After that, they surrendered to the USA & asked for a billion dollars in foreign aid. The stunt worked & the blockade ended. Tourists were free to come & go as they pleased & everybody made money on weed. So basically every year people come together & celebrate the big ‘ole one-finger salute to government & the locals make money selling Conch Republic paraphernalia. Pretty cool, I must say. I’m wondering why I have never participated in this glorious celebration every year. I like weed, I like telling the government to stick it up their ass, plus I like selling crap to tourists. I needed a plan. I want to be involved. Hmmm. The only thing to do was smoke a joint, go to Five Brothers for a “large with two” & head out for a stroll through Old Town to see what would come up. After a long & fuzzy conversation with Kwelvis (the Key West Elvis) outside of Fausto’s, I came up with a plan. First I had to figure out why Kwelvis was only wearing a towel revealing a weird part of his junk. Secondly, I needed more chocolate milk; the first one went down too fast. It’s oh-so-tasty. & thirdly, I needed a good printer for I had come up with the best thing ever to celebrate the Conch Republic & I wanted to sell it to tourists & locals alike - a sticker that read “HONK IF YOU BLOW CONCH.” I am a true genius. On a side note, it’s amazing what you come up with after staring at Kwelvis’ junk for too long. It’s quite hypnotic.
Who the hell cares, right? Why would anybody want to buy a sticker about blowing a shell and/or a local? The thing that’s great about it is if I wanted to promote blowing Conchs, I could & nobody would really think twice about it. They would say, “Oh, there goes the guy who likes to blow Conchs & made a sticker about it.” I’ve been called worse. That’s what our political fathers were fighting for 25 years ago; to not let anybody tell us what to do or how to do it. To stick it to the man & to make a buck or two while we’re at it. This is why Key West rules – ‘cause you can do crap like that & everyone thinks it’s normal. Happy 25th Anniversary Conch Republic. Thanks for sticking up for who we are. I’d blow you any day of the week. You wouldn’t even have to pay me. P.S. I’ve got to stop smoking weed & looking at Kwelvis’ junk. Christopher Shultz is the co-author of “Quit Your Job & Move to Key West,” “The Hangover Survival Guide” & several other books. He is a genius & smells fantastic. Please send him chocolate milk, weed, & sunglasses to 1025 Roberts Lane Key West, FL 33040.
(“Honk if You Blow Conch” is a registered trademark. All uses of it are punishable by applicable laws. Users will also be punished with having to stare at Kwelvis’ junk for 27 hours straight.)
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BT: Any nicknames? W: Wen-de-licious. I got it from Jackie Darling, a Scottish bartender back at Shag.
BT: What’s your favorite all time country album? W: I’m still learning country, but I like the “Swing, Batter, BT: So when did you get to Key West? Wendy: In ‘95 or ‘96... probably ‘96. BT: One reason you call Key West home? W: It won’t let me leave! The people keep bringing me back. You can’t find this kind of family anywhere else.
BT: Briefly discuss your rise towards Key West-wide
bartender fame. W: Mainly my customer service - attitude with a smile.
BT: Bartending history? W: Lets see, there was Sloppy’s, Shag, 801, Divas, KWest, LaTeDa & now [Cowboy] Bill’s.
Swing” song.
BT: How about Rock album? W: Journey, Escape - no doubt. My dad broke my first copy because I played it so much.
BT: See, hear, taste, touch, smell - what’s your 6th sense? W: Good old fashion women’s intuition. BT: Do you believe in déjà vu? W: Yes, I still do. I knew you were going to ask that. The women’s intuition.
BT: Any favorite Conch Republic Days event? W: I work during all the fun stuff - but when I first got here
bar been? W: All I have to do is put on my diva gear & add a cowboy hat & boots!
we went to Mallory Square, we had tomatoes, we started throwing them at people at the Ocean Key, they threw some back, I think is was the Coast Guard that hosed us down. I think there might have been alcohol involved... tomatoes definitely though.
BT: Do you believe in déjà vu? W: Absolutely.
Dust off yur spurs, get on the mechanical bull & try your luck with Wendy throughout the week at Cowboy Bill’s.
BT: How has the transition from the 800 block to a cowboy
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by Cecil Witt
BT: Full name? From? Sign? Rey: Renaldo “Latin Mix” Augusto, Venezuela, Taurus. BT: How long at the Oriole? R: 1 1/2 years. BT: Ever fallen asleep while having sex, or vice-versa? R: No, but I’ve done it to somebody before. [laughs] BT: Who? R: I can’t tell you! BT: What’s the best pickup line you’d use on a large lady? R: I’m a great cook. [laughs] I’ll make you breakfast! BT: How did the bra & panty collection on the wall start? R: When they first opened one of the bartenders, George,
asked a customer that was all drunk & it carried on from there.
BT: Who owns the extremely large pair of panties on the wall? R: I don’t know. BT: But you could find out – because you have to be a member to get in – right? R: [laughs] True, I guess so! 30 kwBarTab.com
BT: How did you become a Red Sox fan? R: Well, I lived down here in south Florida, but I used to
go up to Boston in the summers. My friends that lived up there worked for public transportation, so they would get me in free. I probably went to about 30 games a season.
BT: Have you ever been to Yankee Stadium? R: Yes, A couple of times. BT: What do you like to do when not working? R: I like to relax at home, watch sports, get out on the
water, ... cook! I love to cook. I used to be a sushi chef – that was fun!
BT: What are some of the more noticeable changes that you’ve noticed since you’ve lived here? R: Less money! Also, it seems like a lot of my cooler friends have moved away. I mean there are still a lot of cool people down here.
BT: What old job did you used to work at that you miss
the most? R: Fogarty’s – that whole crew back then was awesome! We all got along great! It was lots of fun!
Rey’s at the Orioles most nights after 10. Stop by for membership info & some of the cheapest drinks in town!
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RESTAURANTS
&
BARS 1
BAGATELLE
2
BEARBOTTOM
BEACH
CLUB
3
BLUE
MOJITO
@
THE
HYATT
4
BOTTEGA
DELI
5
BOTTLE
CAP
6
THE
CAFÉ
7
CONCH
REPUBLIC
SEAFOOD
8
COWBOY
BILL’S
9
DAMN
GOOD
FOOD
TO-GO
10 DANTA’S 11 DUVAL
BEACH
CLUB 12 GREEN
PARROT 13 IRISH
KEVIN’S 14 ISLAND
DOGS 15 JACK
FLATS 16 KELLY’S 17 THE
LAZY
GECKO 18 MR.
Z’S 19 ORIOLES 20 RUM
BARREL 21 SALUTÉ 22 SOUTHERNMOST
HOUSE 23 SUNSET
PIER 24 TWISTED
DISH 25 VIRGILIO’S 26 WILLIE
T’S +7 "4 32 kwBarTab.com
STORES
&
SERVICES 27 AVEDA 28 BITON
CLOTHING
31 FAIRVILLA
MEGASTORE
29 EATON
BIKES
32 FURY
WATERSPORTS
30 EVAN
&
ELLE
CLOTHING
33 GHOST
TOURS
STORE
'VSZ 8BUFS "EWFOUVSFT
XXX GVSZLFZXFTU DPN 34 GODARD


FINE


ART
37 SALON


126
35 KW


HAMMOCK


COMP.
38 SOLAR


SPA
36 PEPPERS


OF


KEY


WEST
39 SOTTIL


STUDIO
0IRATE 3COOTERS 2ENTALS
3OUTHARD 3TREET
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BT: I listened to the CD you gave me, Tyvek Velvette & The
BT: Tyvek Velvette? Are you of Eastern European descent? TV: No. [laughs] My parents were Industrialists. People have
a hard time pronouncing & remembering my name though. I’ll be out & people will say, “Hey, what’s up Trainwreck?” or “Yo, Pyrex!” It’s been like that my whole life. People must have had a field day with you, too. Chuck rhymes with a lot of bad words. [laughs] What’s up Chuck? [laughs]
BT: Every time I see the insulation wrap on new houses that
has “Tyvek” all over it I think of you. TV: I have the best street team in the world. When I first saw the white insulation they use on construction sites I just went, “Bingo! The world’s biggest canvas.” While the rest of world’s sleeping, my street team is tagging my name all over the shit.” I’ve seen TYVEK written on buildings across America.
BT: What about the Velvette part? Is that just a stage name? TV: It was changed when my ancestors arrived at Ellis Island at the turn of the century. It’s an Anglicized version of the original which was Welwette. I have relatives in the states with same name. If you Google Lorette Velvette you will find my relative in Memphis who has made several amazing recordings with people like Alex Chilton & Tav Falco. 34 kwBarTab.com
Gingham Cowboys Songs About Drunkards, Dope & the Devil & it just sounds like one person. Where’s the Cowboys? TV: That was my backup band in Daytona Beach. They are all either dead or in jail now. [sighs] I miss you Buddy Ray. The Gingham Cowboys are done. I will be unveiling my new band Butcher Holler at a benefit at Cowboy Bill’s in May.
BT: I’ll be there. So anyhow, how is Key West treating you? TV: OHMYGOD! Even though I’ve been here for a little less
than a year, I have made friends for life. If I choose to ever leave Paradise, I will return here for evermore like a swallow to Capistrano, for lack of a better metaphor.
BT: Is there anything here that might keep you from ever leav-
ing? You know the saying...”I came here to visit for a weekend 35 years ago?” TV: My favorites of who I’ve met since I’ve been here have been trying to persuade me into letting them back me for a stab at the mayor’s office but it is just preliminary.
BT: Shout outs to anybody? TV: Richie, my brother. Every time I spy the divot in the back
of your head, please find comfort knowing that it brings me a much greater pain than anything you suffered through. Oh, & thank you Snowflake.
Tyvek Velvette’s new CD Songs About Drunkards, Dope & the Devil is a 17-song solo opus recorded in Key West & produced by Rock Solomon. Four tracks are available for your listening pleasure at www.myspace.com/tyvekvelvette.
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BT: The Chart Room was a key meeting place during the forming of the Conch Republic, who have you met? V: General Geof, & a lot of old Mel Fisher divers - plus the new Army members.
BT: What do you mean by new ones? V: If you’ve been here long enough they’ll make you an BT: Full name, sign, hometown, years in Key West? Valerie Chelley, a Leo, Albany, NY, 4 & a half years. BT: Where else have you worked? V: Just the Pier House, 6 months or so at the Beach Bar &
restaurant, & then I slowly worked my way into the Chart Room.
BT: Who does the art on the backboard here? V: David Hecht from Half Buck Freddies. BT: Does he come up with everything? V: Yeah, we give him free reign. BT: A night off includes... V: A good bottle of wine.
honorary one. I hope to be someday.
BT: What’s your favorite Conch Republic story? V: There are so many good ones, but how it started with
the one gun shot, stale Cuban bread, declaring war & immediately surrendering & asking for 1 billion dollars in foreign aid.
BT: Your best Key West story to date? V: You can’t publish those stories. I’m sure I’d be getting someone in trouble.
BT: How about one I can print. V: Well, if I tell you one about Kelly’s Kinky Karnival I might look like a perv.
BT: Favorite restaurant? V: I like Martin’s restaurant, best brunch on the island.
BT: Do you know Ragg’s first name? V: No, he’s one of those people you assume Raggs is his name.
BT: Best picture in the Chat Room? V: There’s one with about 20 guys with bags on their heads.
BT: Best April Fool’s joke you ever played? V: A couple years ago I put a note on the board that beer
We actually keep a whole notebook in the back of naked pictures that used to be on the walls, but they made us take them down. 36 kwBarTab.com
prices were being raised on April 1, but it caused too many problems so I had to tell the truth. You can run into Val Tues, Wed, Fri & Sat & other Key West Officials in the Chart Room at One Duval.
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BarTab Listings
Are in alphabetical order. All area codes are 305. Want your place listed? Or need an update? Call us 305.292.6262 or email kwbt@KeyWestBarTab.com
LAM
801 BOURBON 801 Duval, 294 4737
The front bar is the locals’ hangout. Drag shows upstairs at 9 & 11pm, bingo on Sun. In back, Saloon 1 is not for the timid or faint-hearted. 4 TVs (w/ porn) l
✆UFO
915 (NINE ONE FIVE )
915 Duval, 296 0669 l Med–New American tapas menu with a tuna dome that can’t be missed. One of the finest wine lists in the Keys with ample indoor & outdoor seating.
UF
ABBONDANZA
1208 Simonton, 292 1199 Warm & comfortable Italian restaurant that’s favored by locals. Enjoy your experience while seated on their comfy couches w/ loads of pillows. l
UWFO
ALONZO’S
700 Front, 294 5880 l One of the best views
& great 4-6:30pm happy hour. Stay after for a top rate menu & seafood selection.
ULF
ALICE’S 1114 Duval, 292 5733
Alice has created a chic, new world style menu. Come try Alice’s favorite stinking, dirty martini. Serving breakfast at 8:30am, 10 on Sun. l
✆F
AMBROSIA 1100 Packer, 293 0304
Serving unforgettable sashimi & sushi in an intimate tatami dining room. Chef Masa overseeing the bar. Open Mon-Sat at 6-10pm. l
✆UF
ANTONIA’S 615 Duval, 294 6565
Amazing Italian restaurant is one of Duval’s finest. 100s of wines by the bottle & original Italian daily menu creations. Opens at 5pm. l
LAOM
AQUA
711 Duval, 294 0555 l Mixing dance club w/ live shows. Texas hold em’ Sun 3 & 6:30pm, Thurs “Sex or Next” contest after 12am. HH: 3–8pm, $4 wells & $3 dom
AFO
ATLANTIC SHORES
711 Duval, 294 0555 Mixing dance club w/ live shows. Texas hold em’ Sun 3 & 6:30pm, Thurs “Sex or Next” contest after 12am. HH: 3–8pm, $4 wells & $3 dom. l
B.O.’S FISH WAGON 801 Caroline, 294 9272
LGO
BAGATELLE 115 Duval, 296 6609
Hide from the beer chugging contests of Duval & request your favorite martini. Serving food all day, with probably the best bar staff on the island. Cecil, Grubby, JJ & Patrick at the bar. l
FOM
BANANA CAFÉ 1211 Duval, 294 7227
Breakfast or lunch all day. Catch a burger at 9am, or try their crepes until they close at 4pm (5pm on W/E). l
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BARE ASSETS 1029 Truman, 296 3979
The name says it all. Opens at 4pm w/ happy hour on pretty much all drinks till 8pm. Nightly drink specials after that. l
BEACH BAR @ the Pier House 01 Duval 296 4600
WFO
Sip on drinks & try some great food or sit Oceanside & soak in rays. Live music Thurs - Sun evenings. 2 TVs l
LGM
BEAR BOTTOM 218 Duval, 292 0486
Live music throughout the week; Matt Avery playing most nights. Late night counter w/ pizza & other booze absorbing food. l
✆WUFO
BERLIN’S
700 Front, 294 5880 l Feeling swanky? Go upstairs at A&B Lobster for one of the best menus in town. Great view of the harbor & the only cigar bar in town.
FOM
BLUE HEAVEN 729 Thomas, 296 8666
A true atmosphere of Key West. Cats & chickens living in harmony & an award winning wine list which complements extraordinary food.
BLUE MOJITO
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WUFO
601 Front, l The Hyatt has redesigned their bar & locals are welcome! plenty of water front couches to chill on. Get a little sun or hang in the shade. Light food served from 11-10pm & offering 20% locals discount.
O outdoor seating L open past 2am F food served G food past 12am S sports A Alternative Lifestyle ✆ reservation recommended
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BOBBY’S MONKEY BAR
LA
900 Simonton, 294 2655 l One block off Duval, activities provided through the week. Karaoke 9pm Mon, & Wed - Fri. Tues 7pm pool tourney. HH noon-8pm on beer & wells.
LFO
BOGART’S 900 Duval, 296 0637
Escape Duval Street in this east-side bar. Kick your feet on one of their couches. Mix w/ the Key’s Irish implants. 2 TVs, 1 pool, juke tunes l
LAO
BOURBON STREET 724 Duval, 294 9354
The ultimate guys only night out. Porn on TV, dancers on bars, & pool w/ waterfall. Mon is movie night & 2-4-1 Tues. 16 TVs (2 big, 3 w/ porn) l
LM
BOTTLE CAP
1128 Simonton, 296 2807 l Cool lounge
design & a rock n’ roll twist, live dance bands 8 to 11pm Fri & Sat followed by DJ Dance Music. Visit Angie, Aaron & Dino for martini specials & huge beer selection.
F
THE CAFÉ
509 Southard, 296 5515 l Mostly vegetarian entrees, sandwiches & awesome veggie burger. Wines & specialty beers & herbal teas. Open daily Mon–Saturday.
CAFÉ MARQUESA
✆UF
600 Fleming, 292 1244 l Just a block off Duval, an intimate & elegant dining experience. Seating is limited, so plan ahead if you’re heading here. Open 6:30-10pm.
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outdoor seating 44 kwBarTab.com
✆UFO
CAFÉ MED 425 Grinnell, 294 1117
With an extremely intimate atmosphere, Chef Aziz has created an island Mediterranean cuisine that is unmatched. Opens 6pm. Beer & wine. l
UFO
CAFÉ SOLÉ 1029 Southard, 294 0230
A few short blocks from Duval & some of the most authentic cuisine this side of Paris. Fine wine, sherry & ports. Opens at 5:30pm daily. l
UF
CAMILLE’S 1202 Simonton, 296 4811
A locals’ favorite w/ a menu that changes daily. Serving a fantastic breakfast, lunch & dinner. HH 4-7pm. Opens 8am-10pm(ish). l
SL
CHARLIE’S PLACE 908 Kennedy, 294 4818
Holy dive bar! Hidden in the mini-malls of new town, this is an escape from the booty shakin’ clubs on Duval. 13 TVs, 2 pool, 3 darts
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CHARTROOM 1 Duval, 296 4600, ext 477
One of Key West’s oldest. Tucked inside the Pier House, opens at 4pm w/ Valerie & Dave serving $3 beers, wells & Bacardi. 2 TVs
300 Front, 296 0046
“Jamaican me hungry” is the theme. Outside patio & great stool lined ledge that overlooks the street. Lunch 12-3pm & dinner 5-10pm.
LM
THE COMMODORE 704 Front, 294 9191
2200 N. Roosevelt, 294 6433
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LM
CAPTAIN TONY’S 428 Greene, 294 1838
The captain can still be found here from time to time. Ask about “Captain Tony’s Amber” or try their Pirates punch. 1 TV, 3 pool
SFO
CAROLINE’S 310 Duval, 294 7511
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This outdoor bar is great for people watching. Totally outdoors bar/ restaurant is awesome. Delivery available. 2 TVs l
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FOM
COCO PALMS
A great family dining destination, Bob’s offers lobster & prime rib specials everyday. Full bar in the back of the restaurant.
CAPTAIN BOB’S
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✆WUF
On the harbor walk, come to experience their spectacular creations. Stop in the lounge & have a nip on a Frost Bite. Open 5:30pm. l
FO
CONCH FLYER A1A, at the airport
Your first or last chance to get a drink in Key West. The only airport in the country w/ a beach bar. Opens 5am for food & booze at 7am. l
WFOM
CONCH REPUBLIC 631 Greene, 294 4403
This open-air bar offers dozens of rums & then some. Plenty of seats at the bar, w/ live music every night. Be sure to ask about the rum sampler. l
L open past 2am F food served G food past 12am S sports A Alternative Lifestyle ✆ reservation recommended
LG
COWBOY BILL’S 628 Duval, 295 8219
Saddle up cowboys & girls. Bill’s hosts 3 bars - front for food, middle to chill & back bar to get you loaded to get out on the dance floor or up on the mechanical bull! 24 TV’s, 3 pool, darts l
712 Duval, 294 7229 l 2nd-story dinning & a horseshoe shaped bar with ample room for all. HH 4-7pm $1 drafts, $2 wells. 6 TVs
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CROW’S NEST 208 Duval, 296 4890
Here’s your sanctuary within the walls of Rick’s. HH: Sun–Thur 124am, Fri & Sat 2-4am. Or just watch bands from above. Opens @ 9pm. 2 TVs l
ULF
D‘LOUNGE 314 Duval, 292 3002
Serving an extensive & affordable wine list, plus great martinis with Tracy & Eric & the Grand‘s full menu (some of the best pizza in town!) l
DAMN GOOD FOOD TO-GO 700 Front, 294 0011
FO
On the harbor walk, though most of their business is done at your door. Delivering 7am-12am throughout Old Town. Patio to sit & chow. See their menu in the back of the BarTab for more ordering info.
DANTA’S
1000 Truman, 296 5271
Closed only 3 hours, 6 days a week. Opens 7am & stays open till 4am. 10 TVs, 1 pool, 1 dart, 1 GT, juke tunes l
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DUFFY’S 1007 Simonton, 296 4900
FO
CRABBY DICKS
SLO
DONS’ PLACE
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WFOM
951 Caroline, 293 5123 l Poolside drinking & dining for people of all ages. HH Mon-Fri 4-8pm w/ all drinks almost half price & raw bar specials everyday. 15 TVs
O outdoor seating L open past 2am F
Specializing in Steak & Lobsters. Open for lunch & dinner, this is a great place to bring the family for a night out. Try Duffy’s special coffee rum. l
SLOM
DURTY HARRY’S 208 Duval, 296 4890
Duval’s hidden sports bar incased in the back of the Rick’s complex. At night the TVs become secondary as bands take the stage. 15 TVs l
WFO
DUVAL BEACH CLUB 1405 Duval, 295 6550
This beachside restaurant braves the morning to serve breakfast. One of the few bars on Key West w/ a beach. Chair rentals & other water activities. Key West’s only full moon party on the beach every month. HH: 4–8pm. 5 TVs l
EL MESON DE PEPE’S
FOM
410 Wall, 295 2620 l Some of the best Cuban food in Key West & located on Mallory Square w/ live music daily. Dishing out the strongest Mojito this side of Cuba.
F
EL SIBONEY
305 Duval, 296 9373
“Home of the World Famous Frozen Drinks” direct from New Orleans placed conveniently on Duval. Ask for your tooter as well. 8 TVs, 1 pool
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LGOM
FINNEGAN’S WAKE 320 Grinnell, 293 0222
Great draft selection & outdoor seating, with food served til at least 1am. With Sam Adams pitchers or buckets of 5 bottles for $10! l
LFO
FOGARTY’S
227 Duval, 294 7525 l A slew of local & tourist friendly bartenders. The back bar is a haven for locals at night. Lunch & dinner at great prices. 25 TVs (15 in A/C!)
✆LFO
GRAND CAFÉ 314 Duval, 292 4740
Proving to be an outstanding decision for lunch &/or dinner. Serving one of the best menus in town, plus mojitos & the Grand margarita. l
O
GRAND VIN 1107 Duval, 296 1020
Wine shop & bar & a great place to start or end an evening. Buy a bottle, then head to the porch for a table. Vin pours wine by the glass & a few beers. l
LM
GREEN PARROT 601 Whitehead, 294 6133
Probably the biggest anchor in town. The best live acts in the Keys w/ Pat, Beav, Jim & Moose who make slinging drinks look as easy as drinkin’em. 4 TVs, 2 pool, 1 dart
900 Catherine, 296 4184 l When your pockets are feeling light, Siboney can at least keep your belly full. Great Cuban food at extremely reasonable prices. food served food past 12am sports Alternative Lifestyle
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FAT TUESDAY
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✆ reservation recommended
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WFO
HALF SHELL RAW BAR 231 Margaret, 294 7496
Great raw bar on the harbor walk. Serving all you can eat crab leds Wed 6-9pm. Local’s favorite every hour. HH 4:30-6:30pm l
FO
HARD ROCK CAFÉ 313 Duval, 293 0230
The Key’s very own Rock & Roll museum w/ a multi-level patio bar & restaurant. Plenty of KW HR goods available, too. 9 TVs l
WFOM
HOGFISH
6810 Front St (Stock Isl.), 293 4041
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Housing live music Thurs-Sun while chowin’ on their Hogfish sandwich. Breakfast Sat & Sun at 8am. HH 4-7pm Mon-Sat. 4 TVs
LFOM
HOG’S BREATH 400 Front, 292 2032
Catering to the tourist crowd & also remains a favorite of locals. Some of the best bands playing music in town. HH 5-7pm & 1-2am. 6 TVs
HOT TIN ROOF
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✆UWFO
0 Duval, 296 7701 l Pre-sunset happy hour & 3-course dinner. Check out the lounge &
ask Sheila, Coy or Tara about the Hot-Tintini. Sit back & take in the beautiful mahogany bar. Opens 6pm.
WFO
HURRICANE JOE’S 5110 Overseas Hwy, 294 0200
Located at Hurricane Hole Marina, across the Stock Isl. bridge. Sit upstairs & inside w/ A/C. HH 4-7pm & 10pm-close.
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IN KAHOOTS 3850 N. Roosevelt, 294 9986
Located at the Holiday Inn, Kahoots serves breakfast all day & has HH from noon-7pm. Game room for the kids or you once your buzz is on. l
LF
ISLAND DOGS 505 Front, 295 0501
Bringing back SIN every 3rd Tues of the month with killer drink specials all night. Food served until 3am or later in a plush bar & lounge setting. l
LFM
IRISH KEVIN’S
211 Duval, 292 1262 l New bar stage-side in the back. Watch the Guinness chugging contests on stage, accompanied by live music all day long. Dave, Ginger & Heath behind the bar keeping you sloshed. 2 TVs
SLG
JACK FLATS
509 1/2 Duval, 294 7955 l Get your face here on game day or just chill with Doug, Danielle, Jodi & Matt late night. Great grub served to 3am or later. 29 TVs (7 huge), 2 pool, 1 GT ‘07
F
JACK SEAFOOD SHACK 430 Duval, 296 2991
At the bottom of the La Conch hotel & bringing a casual-upscale fare & atmosphere to Duval. We recommend to try their great grouper sandwich. l
UFO
KELLY’S 303 Whitehead, 293 8484
Spectacular outdoor dining area to enjoy Key West’s days & nights. HH 4-7pm on drinks & wings at the bar. Try one of the micro brewed beers poured by Christopher & Doug. open past 2am food served food past 12am sports
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KWEST 705 1/2 Duval, 292 8500
Shows nightly at 10pm. Guys, amateur night is on Sat (w/ $2 Bud & Bud Lts.), think you got it? 2TVs (1 flat w/ nude show). HH open–8pm. l
ULFOM
LA TE DA 1125 Duval, 296 6706
The Ocean Grill serving B, L & D & late night food till 1am. Shows in the Crystal Room & piano bar. HH 12-7pm on beer, wells & wine. l
✆UF
LA TRATTORIA 524 Duval, 296 1075
Probably the Keys’ best Italian! Classic cuisine & impressive wine list. The street-side bar is perfect to sip on libations w/ Erin & Kathy. l
SLO
LAZY GECKO 203 Duval, 292 1903
$2 Tues & ladies night on Wed. Pauly, Corey & the chicks throwin’ the best party! DJ John spinning tunes nightly, & live music Tues & Fri w/ Robyn & James @ 7pm. 9 TVs (8 flat) l
✆WUFO
LOUIE’S BACKYARD 700 Waddell, 294 1061
Come for a spectacular dinner, stay & hang out ocean side on the After Deck & sip on some of Louie’s passion. Lunch 11:30 & dinner 6pm. l
FO
LU LU’S 1908 Flagler, 295 8801
Lu lu’s brings back the nostalgia of the 50’s w/ an old school style drive in restaurant. Have no car? Ain’t no problem, plenty of outdoors seating. l
A Alternative Lifestyle ✆ reservation recommended
LF
MAGNOLIAS 722 Duval, 295 9336
Next to Bourbon St., this restaurant has HH open-6pm. Ask about their 16 oz. Bone Island teas. Late night pizza window attached next door. l
FM
MARGARITAVILLE 500 Duval, 292 1435
Grab a stool at the bar & try a cheeseburger in paradise. The chances of hearing a Buffett tune are absolute. Live bands play the night hours. l
700 Duval, 292 4606
Located at the corner of Duval & Angela, Mangoes has a very classy & relaxing dining patio complete w/ an outdoors bar. Open 11am-1am.
UFO
532 Margaret, 295 1300
Located in the back streets of Old Town, this is a Key West favorite. Owner & Chef Michael Wilson offers a classic menu w/ an island twist. l
NEW YORK PASTA GARDEN 1075 Duval, 292 1991
FO
Little Italy in Key West at Duval Square plaza. Beer, wine & frozen drinks & some of the best sandwiches on the island. l
OLD TOWN MEXICAN CAFÉ 609 Duval, 296 7500
FO
Passive ethnic décor enhances your Mexican experience. Beer & wine w/ a handful of Mexican beers, but we opt for the pitchers of sangria. l
O outdoor seating L open past 2am F
Dine oceanside at this classy restaurant for breakfast, lunch or dinner. All of which are complemented with a very extensive wine list. l
UF
OPERA
One of Duval Street’s best, w/ great beers & wines. Opera has received an “extraordinary” award from Zagat’s for their fine quality foods.
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MICHAEL’S
1 Duval, 296 4600
613 Duval, 295 2705
UFO
MANGOES
WUFO
ONE DUVAL
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ORIGAMI 1075 Duval, 294 0092
Offering a highenergy sushi bar & plenty of outdoor seating, coupled w/ astounding sushi. Beer & wine as well as a large supply of sake. l
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ORIOLES NEST 303 106 Simonton, 295 0400
SLG
PT’S 920 Caroline, 296 4245
Providing all your lunch & dinner needs. Great locals’ spot with rumors of a new bar coming this summer. 10 TVs, 1 Pool, 1 GT l
RED FISH - BLUE FISH 407 Front, 294 9292
FO
Serving breakfast downtown w/ the Front Street bar now open w/ HH 4pm - sunset. Latin night on Sat. Bethany & Jason pouring the booze. l
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RED GARTER 208 Duval, 296 4890
Slim pickings on Rick’s dance floor guys? Go towards Durty Harry’s & duck into the Garter to see all of the beautiful ladies of Rick’s. l
RICK’S DOWNSTAIRS 208 Duval, 296 4890
LOM
Open till 4am, this member’s only is a great place to escape the tourist crowded bars. HH 3-7pm 2-4-1. 3 TV (1 huge), 1 pool, 1 foose
This part of Rick’s offers a laid back alternative for live music. Karaoke everyday & live music all week. Kelly & Big Rick on crowd control.
PEPE’S
RICK’S UPSTAIRS
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806 Caroline, 294 7192
✆UF
PISCES 1007 Simonton, 294 7100
Pisces has received awards from Zagat’s & AAA 4 diamond & original Warhols on the wall. Open at 6pm & reservations recommended.
PRIME 951
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UWF
951 Caroline, 296 4000
208 Duval, 296 4890
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Hormone-fueled crowds dance to DJ’s spinning dance melodies w/ 2 decks above Duval. Things kick off at 8pm & go late. 15 TVs l
LOM
RHUMBA 708 Duval, 296 1401
Sidecar bar to Crabby Dick’s w/ an area in the rear to shoot some stick. See BarTab’s favorite Bree 7–10pm for $1 Bud drafts & $2 wells. 4 TVs, 1 pool
This tucked away gem is located upstairs from Monty’s. Their simple upscale steak & seafood menu is complemented by a great wine list. food served food past 12am sports Alternative Lifestyle l
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✆ reservation recommended
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UFOM
ROOFTOP CAFE 310 Front, 294 2042
Come upstairs & try the new menu at this recreated dining venue. Live music playing regularly. Opens at 10:30am. l
SLGOM
RUM BARREL 528 Front, 292 7862
Sweet outdoor with outdoor pool table & ive music everyday. Great grub served til 2am & 10 flat HD TVs. More than 100 rums poured by Murph, Jodi, Casey & Tony. l
WFO
SALSA LOCA 918 Duval, 292 1865
Best authentic Mexican food in Key West! Eat chips & salsa till you can’t anymore. Open Tues-Sun 11am10pm, 11pm on the weekends. l
WFO
SALUTE 1000 Atlantic, 292 1117
Get to Higgs Beach for a terrific beachfront treat. A casual atmosphere dishing up lunch & dinner. HH 4-7pm w/ $1 off drinks. Opens 11:30am l
✆FO
SANTIAGO’S BODEGA 207 Petronia, 296 7691
Mediterranean Spanish style tapas restaurant in the heart of Bahama Village. Escape the crowds for a cozy dining experience.
SCHOONER WHARF 202 William, 292 9520
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WLFOM
Spacious marineside bar where the din of local chatter & live music fills the air. See the only Bar Magician in the Key. 2 TVs, 1 pool
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outdoor seating 48 kwBarTab.com
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WFO
SEAWEEDS 3101 N. Roosevelt, 294 8600
Steak, chicken & seafood. All you can eat shrimp or Mahi Mahi for $11.95 all day. Opens at 11:30am with covered dockside dining. l
✆UF
SEVEN FISH 623 Olivia, 296 2777
Nestled in KW‘s sleepy back streets, 7 Fish has become a favorite for “locals in the know”. Eclectic menu w/ emphasis on local catch. l
SLG
SHANNA KEY 1900 Flagler, 295 8880
Pouring a nice selection of ales & great Irish food served till 3am. You can always find Barry & Peter up for a drink. 7 TVs, 1 GT ‘06, internet juke tunes l
LFM
SLOPPY JOE’S 201 Duval, 294 5717
This busy bar can supply enough entertainment from people watching alone, but they also complement it w/ live music all day. Be sure to stop by the Backroom Saloon & upstairs Speakeasy. l
SOUTHERNMOST MANSION
WUO
1400 Duval, 296 3141 l Possibly the best kept secret on the island. This mansion offers a beautiful setting w/ public Cabana bar. $5 pass lands you lounging pool or ocean side while Lauren keeps your cup full!
UFOM
SQUARE ONE 1075 Duval, 296 4300
In Duval Square plaza, w/ a menu of largely American-style seafood. Try Patrick’s “Monkey Nuts”. B&L served 11am–3pm, Dinner starts at 6pm. open past 2am food served food past 12am sports
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WFOM
SUNSET PIER 0 Duval, 295 7045
This could be the beginning or end of your Duval crawl. A great place for sunsets, try the Monkey Love or a Funky Fish from Angie or Al. 3 TVs l
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TEASERS 218 Duval, 292 0486
Watch out for Teasers on Duval‘s 200 block, get a private dance or go all out & pop a bottle of the bubbly & an invite into the champagne room. l
WUOM
THE TOP 430 Duval, 296 2991
Seven stories above the Crown Room, best known for their sunset view. One of, if not the best sights in Key West. W/ live music before sunset. l
LO
TREE BAR 208 Duval
Rick’s road-side bar may save you the trouble of having to penetrate the Rick’s complex. Do a walk-by to fill your glass or pull up a seat. l
WFO
TURTLE KRAALS 231 Margaret, 294 2640
Home to the turtle races. Awesome harbor view w/ Johnny B at the TK tower bar. Come at sunset for a great view & HH 4-6:30pm.
TWISTED DISH
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FO
404 Southard, 294 5602 l Formally the Meteor, the same great outdoor bar is still pumpin’ with Lesley & Mr. Robinson. The restaurant promises to be something fresh, offering large & small plate servings.
A Alternative Lifestyle ✆ reservation recommended
UPSTAIRS at MANGOES 700 Duval, 292 4606
LOM
The party up top gets going at 11pm. Comes listen to DJs Dale spin house tunes Fri & Sat & Tall Timmy $ Bethany pushin the booze. l
LOM
VIRGILIO’S 524 Duval, 296 8118
The backyard of La Trat becomes the best late night, upscale martini bar. Great patio, this classy bar has live jazz music Wen & Thurs, rotating bands Fri & Sat & DJ’s late night. l
SGL
WALTER’S GRILLE 3100 Flagler, 296 3050
Light fare lunches, proper dinner entrees & a limited late night menu. HH 4-7pm Stoli vodkas $4, 14oz Bud/Bud Lt $2 & all drinks discounted in the Habanna Plaza. 4TVs
WLO
WHITE TARPON 700 Front, 295 5222
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Featuring fantastic Key Lime martinis w/ graham cracker rims poured by Rea, Maura & Nicole. A variety of beer & wines, available to-go as well. l
LGM
WILLIE T’S 525 Duval, 294 7674
Late night menu with panini, pizzas & more served till 2am. Trish & Will serving 31 flavors of mojitos. HH 4-7pm. Mojito Mon 2-4-1, Thurs Trivia night, Fri & Sat bands take the stage late night. l
WORLD’S SMALLEST BAR 124 Duval, 294 8507
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This bar lives up to its name. Blink & you might miss it. This place stays open late night on Duval Street. l
O outdoor seating L open past 2am F food served G food past 12am S sports A Alternative Lifestyle ✆ reservation recommended
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+7 "4 50 kwBarTab.com
+7 "4 51
1. Which of the following industries helped make the Florida Keys wealthy in the 1920’s:
a) Pedicabbing b) Rum running c) Drag Queening d) Playing a musical instrument badly in front of a store with your dog wearing your sunglasses sleeping next to you & your tip jar.
2. What is Henry Flagler credited with bringing to the Florida Keys? a) b) c) d)
The word of God. Iguanas. Large mid-western tourists. The railroad.
3. What is Captain Tony’s last name? a) b) c) d)
Soprano Montana Tarrancino Koufolokowsky
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4. How did Ernest Hemingway lose his home on Whitehead Street in 1940?
a) He couldn’t afford his wind storm insurance. b) He lost it in a bet with Tony Koufolokowsky. c) He developed a terrible allergy to cats & had to abandon the property. d) He lost it the old fashioned way...in a divorce.
5. Which piece of classic American literature was written in Cuba & in Key West? a) b) c) d)
“For Whom the Bell Tolls” “Green Eggs & Ham” “Quit Your Job & Move to Key West” “Breakfast of Champions”
6. Fort Zachary Taylor is:
a) Pritam Singh’s latest condominium property. b) A strip club in Truman Annex. c) A mid-19th century military fort used in both the American Civil War & the Spanish-American war.
7. What event of historical significance happened in the Florida Keys in April of 1982?
a) Daryl Hall & John Oates played live at Fort Zachary Taylor. b) The Border Patrol created a road block in Florida City, searching every car coming out of the Keys & treating residents as foreigners, prompting Mayor Dennis Wardlow to declare that the Florida Keys were seceding from the Union. c) The malt beverage “Zima” was launched at Sloppy Joe’s. d) President Reagan water skied to Cuba to prove that he was a better skier than Sonny McCoy.
8. What was the 1980’s organization “CHUBS?”
a) Cayo Hueso’s Unusual Bartenders Society. b) Key West’s only clothing optional gym. c) A Conch weight-loss clinic.
9. In 1999, incumbent Key West Mayor Sheila Mullins ran for office against: a) b) c) d)
A cartoonist, a magician & a butcher. The butcher, the baker & the candlestick maker. Captain Outrageous, Magic Frank & Jimmy Weekly. Both (a) & (c)
10. What is the real name of Key West bartender “Raggs?” a) b) c) d) e)
David Damon Darnell Delbert None of the above
E-mail: cleighpujado@gmail.com
ANSWERS 1. (b) although begging is a recently profitable phenomenon, 2. (d) which actually paved the way for (c), 3. (c) but he looks more like a (d), 4. (d) Hey Ernest! Two words for you: “Pre Nup!”, 5. (a) & possibly (c), 6. (c) but don’t rule out (a) in the near future, 7. (b) but “Private Eyes” was a hit song that year, 8. (a) & its members still carry their commemorative key chains, 9. (d) & I believe someone’s dog was also on the ballot that year, 10. I’d tell you but then I’d have to kill you! 53
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Delivery Guide
BarTab’s quick reference food to-go guide for Key West. All area codes are 305. BOTTEGA DELI
728 Simonton, 296 0004
Gourmet sandwiches, great for lunch or to grab something on the way home. 3 different specials daily. Menu on page 64 or online KeyWestBarTab.com/menus/bottega_deli
THE CAFÉ
509 Southard, 296 5515
Mostly vegetarian, offering entrees, sandwiches & awesome veggie burger. Wines, specialty beers & freshly brewed herbal teas. Open daily Mon–Sat.
56 kwBarTab.com
CAROLINE’S
310 Duval, 294 7511
DAMN GOOD FOOD
700 Front, 294 0011
Salads, sandwiches, apps & island style entrees. Also serving one of the best burgers in Key West. American fare at cheap prices. Try the BarTab favorite Soft Taco Burrito! Opens at 6am everyday for breakfast. Menu on page 65 or online @ DanmGoodFoodToGo.com
JONNYBOY’S CAFÉ
1220 Simonton, 296 7944
Sandwiches to-go or delivered to you. Using Boars head meats & cheeses. Tim stays open through lunch (2 pm).
MONSOON CAFE
829 Fleming, 292 2635
Key West’s only source for authentic Indian curries & innovative Asian inspired cuisine.
MR. Z’S
501 Southard, 296 4445
Grinders, pizza, the best Philly’s in Key West & more! Old town location open til 4am. See their menu on page 63.
SALSA LOCA
918 Duval, 292 1865
Fresh meats & veggies picked up daily. Free chips & salsa woth order. Open Tues-Sun 11am-10pm, 11pm on W/Es. Beer & frozen.
UPPER CRUST
611 Duval, 393 8890 2502 N Roosevelt, 293 8727
Gourmet style pizza and calzones. Specialty entree dishes & salads at 2 locations.
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Ah, give me back the olden days when we only had to worry about road blocks at the beginning of the Overseas Highway denying entry to tourists... give me back those fighting days when the PEOPLE took back the roads by declaring war, seceding from the United States, & surrendering. Those, my friend, were the days! I would have gladly waited in the endless auto line knowing that I would eventually have reached my $400 a month rent in Old Town. I would have happily have waited out the drought of tourists with the comfort of low electric bills, an abundance of water, E-coli-free waters, & a corporate-free town. Yeah... the Conch Republic Days are wistful ones to those who remember when you could park pretty much anywhere for free, go out drinking all night, grab a cab home & pick your car up the next day (if you could find it). I think that a tag should be added to the celebration this year; “Conch Republic Days - When the Town Belonged to the People.” 60 kwBarTab.com
Yes, there were pirates living in the Keys back then, not all of them on the right side of the law. Some of them even sold square grouper to make a living, a good living at that. But not one pirate I ever knew pillaged the women or raped their own village. They quietly lived on sun-bleached lanes, strung hammocks between the trees at Fort Zach on Sundays where everyone got together, & celebrated the sunset with the rest of the community. Most people I knew who lived here back then weren’t pirates, just folks looking for the quiet life. Hell, they even liked the tourists who found their way into paradise. Go figure, right? Hey, summers back then were long, hot, & truly local. Today we live to work, work to pay the modern day pirates who have overdeveloped our lifestyle, & avoid any place that is crammed with tourists trying to get a glimpse of the sun going down. Maybe it’s time we put a road block up ourselves & take back this conch town!
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