Ingredients Restaurant, Bar & Nightlife magazine
10 BarTab Bar Buzz
island happy hour guide
BarShots 08
13 Music Calendar
lazy gecko, margaritaville, hog’s breath, green parrot
24 Fun Funerals by david l sloan
29 Profiles
Publisher Lawrence Bradley, Jr larry@kwbartab.com
16
Design Flypaper Publishing info@flypaperpublishing.com
stephanie @ world of beer jeff clark / bartab bar chord jay graham @ paradise tax service
32 Map of Key West 38 Restaurant & Bar Listings
info on over 100 key west bars & restaurants
26
20
by leigh pujado
36
55 Eat It
shrimp & bacon club @ jack flats
44
by bill hoebee
6 kwBarTab.com
David Sloan sloaniv@gmail.com
BarTab Contributing PhotoG Chris Hangsleben
57 Menus & Delivery Guide
mr z’s, amigos, luigi’s secret recipes
Words by Bill Hoebee billhoebee@clearchannel.com Leigh Pujado cleighpujado@gmail.com
47 2014 Bar Patron Quiz
60 Ask Hoebee by... Wait for It...
PO Box 4951 Key West, FL 33041 www.kwBarTab.com 305.292.6262
56
BarTab magazine is a free ‘monthly’ publication distributed throughout Key West, FL. Omissions in BarTab are at the discretion of the publisher. Offers & promotions printed in these pages are guesses at best & if honored by the establishments are coincidence only. All rights reserved & contents © 2004-2014.
8 kwBarTab.com
AGAVE 308
Key West’s first Tequila Bar with over 60 Varieties of Tequila
10
2¢
Agave 308
Amigos
Bagatelle
416 Appelrouth 305.414.8626 Free bacon Happy Hour 4:30-6:30p Monday-Friday 50% off beers & wines
308 Front 305.294.2042 Happy Hour $6 house margarita, $4 well cocktails & discounted beers 4:30-6:30p & 10p-12a
425 Greene 305.292.2009 Open late, & we mean late night every Friday & Saturday midnight-6a is Locals’ Late Night!
115 Duval 305.296.6609 Happy Hour 5-7p half price drinks with a $5-7 small plate menu.
Blue Heaven
Bottle Cap
Charlie Mac’s
Conch Republic
729 Thomas 305.296.8666 One of the best outdoor venues in the Keys! Bloody Marys are the specialties here at their outdoor bar.
1128 Simonton 305.296.2807 Happy Hour 5-8p $1 off wells, beers & wine. Friday Happy Hour benefit local charities.
404 Southard 305.320.0204 Happy Hours 4-7p 10-11p [Mon-Thur] & 11p-12a [Fri&Sat] with discounts on wells & drafts with HH food menu.
631 Greene 305.294.4403 Happy Hour 4-7p 2 for 1 premium well drinks, all domestic & imported beers
Dante’s
Grand Café
Green Parrot
Half Shell
951 Caroline 305.293.5123 Happy Hour 4-8p 1/2 off doms & wells plus a dozen shot specials $5 app menu & 3-4-$2 raw bar
314 Duval, 305.292.4740 Happy Hour 11am-5p with discounts on all frozen drinks, mojitos & margaritas
601 Whitehead 305.294.6133 Happy Hour 4-7p daily with “sound-checks” at 5:30p every Friday. Monday night Bingo @ 7p
231 Margaret 305.294.7496 Happy Hour 4:306:30p with 2-4-1 drink specials & food menu with seafood specials & $5 items
12
Hog’s Breath
Irish Kevin’s
Island Dogs
Jack Flats
400 Front 305.296.4222 Drink Discounts on all liquor & beer 5-7p Live music all day from 1pm-2a
211 Duval 305.292.1262 Happy Hour open-6p $1 off wells & $3 pints of Bud Light & live music all day long!
505 Front 305.509.7136 Happy Hour 3-6p 1/2 priced wells, beers & wine with $5 food menu & 1/2 priced oysters
509.5 Duval 305.294.7955 12 High Def Projection TVs with personal speakers to listen. Late night food till 1a
JDL’s Big Ten
Krawl
920 Caroline 305.294.6277 2 Happy Hours 3-6p & 11p-2a Get $1 off all drinks
506 Southard 305.735.4146 Happy Hour 5-7p all draft beer 2-4-1
Kelly’s Caribbean 301 Whitehead 305.293.8484 Happy Hour 4-7p $350 margaritas, $2 micro brews & 1/2 priced hot, mild, jerk or sweet & hot wings
Lazy Gecko 203 Duval 305 292.1903 Happy Hour 5-8p wells & beers 2-4-1 & $5 food items
Little Room Jazz Club
Luigi’s Secret Recipes
Margaritaville
Point 5
821 Duval 2 Happy Hours 4-8p & 12:30-2:30a all drinks 2-4-1 music nightly 8:30p-1a
521 Fleming 305.292.4962 Happy Hour 3-6p 2 slices of cheese pizza & a domestic beer for $6
500 Duval 305.292.1435 Get an original Cheeseburger in Paradise! Along with signature margarita
915 Duval 305.296.0669 Full menu until 12am. DJs & Happy Hour every Fri, Sat & Sun starting at 10pm. Open Sun-Thurs, 5-12am & Fri, Sat, 5-2am.
Prime Steakhouse 951 Caroline 305.296.4000 Steaks, seafood, martinis & fine wine. Opens daily at 6p
14
Rumor Lounge
Rum Barrel 528 Front 305.292.7862 Happy Hour 4-7p 2-for-1 Domestics & Wells & the best $5 ‘App’ menu in town! [at the bar only]
Smokin’ Tuna Saloon
Solo
4 Charles 305.517.6350 Happy Hour 5-7p Discounts on beers & well drinks with live music starting at 6p
610 Greene 305.296.2033 Happy Hour 4-6p 1/2 priced apps, flatbreads & all drinks
430 Greene Happy Hour 5-8p with $3 wells & $2 dom drafts Sundays Bacon Bloody Marys all day.
Southernmost Beach Café
Santiago’s Bodega
207 Petronia 305.296.7691 Happy Hour 3-6p 5 tapas for only $5 1/2 priced beers, glasses of wine & sangria or $10 off all bottles & pitchers of sangria
Sunset Pier
Tattoos & Scars
1405 Duval 305.295.6550 Happy Hour 4-7p Your choice of wings, tuna sliders, popcorn shrimp or personal griller for $4 & drink specials
0 Duval 305.296.7701 Terrific Sunset View Nov 5:38p Dec 5:41p
512 Greene St 2-4-1 Happy Hour 4-7p & Sun-Thurs 2-4a dom beers & wells, & $2 PBR draft all day
Turtle Kraals
Virgilio’s
Willie T’s
231 Margaret 305.294.2640 Happy Hour 4:306:30p with 50% off wells, beers & wines w/ food menu specials starting at $5
524 Duval 305.296.8118 Home of Martini Monday $5 martinis 7p-close Live music most nights at 9p
World of Beer
525 Duval 305.294.7674 Happy Hour 4-7p Discounted liquor drinks & beers
511 Greene 305.517.6260 Monday is SIN Half-off select drafts all night long for all in the hospitality business!
16 kwBarTab.com
20 kwBarTab.com
FUN FUNERALS by David L. Sloan
Y
ou are likely to die an unremarkable death, surrounded by a lone nurse more interested in sharing your morphine than changing your dirty sheets. As you take your last breath, a distant cousin will sum up your life in a two column inch announcement, your siblings will scramble to find a priest willing to conduct a funeral mass for your heathen soul, & in about 72 hours your rotting corpse will be dropped in a hole & forgotten for eternity. Sad indeed, but it wont end this way if you take control now & put the ‘fun’ back in funerals.
Write your own obituary
When was the last time you curled up in bed with a good obituary? Avoid a dull death notice by penning your own. Skip the list of survivors, cut the crap about dying peacefully & give the people who still read newspapers something to laugh about. Confess to the playground fire you started; mention the people you don’t want at your funeral by name; admit the miracle that you survived as long as you did considering your love of pizza, tequila & autoerotic asphyxiation. Sum things up kwBarTab.com
23
by demanding flowers. No one cares about your charity, & - besides masking the scent of death flowers are awesome.
Put The ‘Fun’ In Funeral
You’ve dedicated your life to showing everyone on Facebook you are a unique individual, yet your final hurrah will be spent in an unremarkable box, in a stuffy church, surrounded by friends in ill-fitting suits waiting to smoke a cigarette as someone who should have died before you belts out an early version of Ave Maria. Take some of that time you devote to Internet porn to create an awesome funeral playlist. Consider switching venues from a church to a bar for increased attendance. Shoot confetti from your casket. Hire clowns as pallbearers. Vikings set themselves on fire in a giant fucking ship. Clowns are the least you can do.
Communicate From Beyond The Grave
Technology has come a long way & you should use it to your advantage. Set up a personalized e-mail blast to be sent upon your death announcing the news. Program a series of ‘dead tweets’ describing the after life. Hire a fat man to play God & produce a video short to play during your funeral. If you are a Facebook app developer, create an auto-responder that says, “Stop inviting me to your events. I’m dead you fucking asshole.” 24
Leave A Mark
No one visits a cemetery to see stones declaring ‘a loving father & husband rests here.’ People want, ‘I Told You I Was Sick’ or ‘Devoted Fan of Julio Iglesias’ or “Take Off Your Clothes & I Will Ask God To Cure Your Cancer.’ If you are a shitty artist, design your own tombstone to get people talking about your art. Invest in a pressure sensitive pad that emits a moan when people stand before your stone. The possibilities are endless.
Haunt Your Friends
People don’t find you intriguing, engaging or fascinating. Sure you got 18 likes on your last post, but 2 of them were mistakes & the rest of the people just felt sorry for you. You can change all of that when you die by haunting your friends. Knock shit off their dressers, toss glassware across the room & write your name in blood on their bathroom mirror. These 5 simple steps will ensure you are never forgotten. David L. Sloan died suddenly after a fatal but humorous accident involving a single vehicle with 32 clowns. In addition to flowers, it is requested that you purchase all of Sloan’s books from Island Books at the corner of Duval & Fleming Streets.
26 kwBarTab.com
BT: Full name, sign, originally from? Stephanie Elise Pino, I am a Scorpio & I am from Miami.
Stephanie
BT: What is your heritage? S: I’m Cuban-Colombian. BT: Have you ever been to Cuba or Colombia? S: Neither of them. Hopefully, one day I’ll make it, at least to Cuba, before it opens up as a tourist town. BT: What made you make the move to Key West? S: I was tired of Miami. Everyone says it’s a huge city with a lot of opportunity. But honestly, I felt like I had hit a dead end. There was no opportunity for me in Miami any more. BT: Did you have a fake ID when you were younger? S: Never. I was actually a really good kid, never had a fake ID, never had to sneak into clubs. I was never really the party animal, not until I moved down here. BT: What’s been the best part of the job? S: The beer, obviously. [laughing] Yeah, being able to drink the beer. BT: Do you have a top 3 beer list? S: Probably the Samuel Smith Organic Chocolate Stout. Right now, we have Einbecker Schwarzbeere on draft, which is phenomenal, & Petrus Aged Red. BT: When was the first time you ever drank? S: I was 14. My brother gave me my first beer at a house party he had. BT: How old were you when you first slipped a little tongue into your kiss? S: 13.
at the
World of Beer BT: Was that your first kiss? S: Yes. It was terrible. [laughs]
511 Greene St
BT: What do you like most about Key West? S: Its quirkiness. It’s just so much fun, so laid back. Everybody loves each other - nobody judges. BT: Top 3 Key West restaurants? S: Santiago’s. I love that place so much. Alonzo’s for happy hour. And The Cafe. I love The Cafe. BT: Do you have a favorite restaurant in Miami? S: La Carreta, a Cuban restaurant that I grew up going to. Every time I go back, I go there because it’s just my fix. BT: Any other shout-outs or plugs? S: I love Key West. & thank you to Key West, for being awesome & so accepting & loving & just the most amazing place to live. You can try Stephanie’s top 3 beers or any one of WOB’s 500 different flavors at 511 Greene St. kwBarTab.com
29
HAPPY HOUR DAILY 5PM UNTIL 8PM $2 NON-PREMIUM DOMESTIC DRAFTS, $3 WELL DRINKS, AND $4 SELECT WINES
BT: Full name, age, favorite key? Jeffrey David Clark. I’m 33. I recently heard that the tonic resonance of Earth is just somewhere above C sharp. BT: How did you get into music? JC: I’ve been singing as long as I can remember. I started played piano when I was very young, 6 or 7. I took formal lessons in piano for about 7 years, before I started to not enjoy it. Then I had to tell my mom that was enough. BT: When did you pick up the guitar? JC: When I was 18 in college. My roommate played guitar & I had played bass guitar before that. I got my own guitar when I was 19, & I haven’t stopped playing it since. It spoke to me. The piano didn’t really speak to me the same way. BT: What was your first gig in Key West? JC: My first gig in Key West was at the Sands 10 years ago this past January. BT: How many albums are you currently on? JC: I have 2 Jeff Clark albums. One’s called, Jeff Clark as of October, 2003. The other one’s called, Jeff Clark Alone. The October, 2003 one was a little more successful. My band’s new CD is The Riddum Tree. I would say, 3, although, my high school band, Nadi Bumpo, had an album & I got on one of the Entrain albums. BT: What’s your biggest influences in music and/or life? JC: You know, everything. Breathing, the ocean. Balance is a big influence. My parents have been a big influence. The church. I grew up in the church, in a choir, which has been a big influence. So, just the healthy vibrations that come out of singing - harmonies are a big part of what I’m about.
BarTab
BarChord
Jeff Clark photoG Chris Hangsleben
BT: What’s your most memorable gig? JC: I did some really cool gigs with Entrain. Got to open up for 311 & The English Beat. I got to play in a festival with Arturo Sandoval, which was pretty good. He’s a trumpet player & timbale player & pretty awesome. I’ve done some really cool festivals up North, some of the stuff that Pete Seeger used to do up on the Hudson River. Got to do festivals up there with him. BT: Do you have any other general shout-outs or plugs? JC: Yeah. The Skank, Caffeine Carl, wassup? It’s great to be embedded in the Key West music scene. There’s no better place to be playing music. It feels good to be here among family & friends & have people recognize my face & have them associate that with good music & good times. You can check out Jeff Clark [& co.] at venues around town, including Blue Heaven, 301 Petronia St, the Green Parrot with The Skank [Band], 601 Whitehead, Tuesdays at the Conch Farm. the BottleCap, 1128 Simonton & Virgilio’s, 524 Duval. kwBarTab.com
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RESTAURANTS & BARS 2 CENTS AGAVE 308 AMIGOS BAGATELLE BLUE HEAVEN CAROLINE’S CHARLIE MAC’S DANTE’S / PRIME STEAKHOUSE GREEN PARROT HOG’S BREATH IRISH KEVIN’S JACK FLATS JDL’S BIG 10 SPORTS BAR KELLY’S KRAWL OFF DUVAL LAZY GECKO LITTLE ROOM JAZZ CLUB LUIGI’S SECRET RECIPES MARGARITAVILLE MR. Z’S POINT 5 PRIME STEAKHOUSE / DANTE’S RUM BARREL RUMOR LOUNGE SANTIAGO’S BODEGA SMOKIN’ TUNA SOLO SOUTHERNMOST BEACH CAFÉ SUNSET PIER / HOT TIN ROOF TATTOOS & SCARS WILLIE T’S VIRGILIO’S
B4 A2 B2 B2 B5 B3 B4 D1 B4 A2 B2 B3 D1 B3 C4 B2 C5 C3 B4 C3 C5 D1 B1 B2 B5 B2 C2 D7 B4 B2 C3 B4
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STORES & SERVICES KW ALOE BAREFOOT BILLY’S BI-PLANE TOURS
B3 E/F7 N6
CAPRICORN JEWELRY CITY VIEW TROLLEYS KW HAMMOCK CO.
B4 A2 C4
H
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Key West’s Best Jetski Tour Guided Tours & Hourly Rentals
INFINITY HAIR SALON SEASIDE
B2 O4
SOUTHERNMOST CIGAR CLUB
A2
(305) 290-2048
www.BareFootBillys.com 33
Jay
Graham
BT: What do you like to do when you’re not working? J: Oh, I have a lot of fun in this town. We’ll call it ‘social networking.’ BT: What question do you get the most from people about preparing their taxes? J: Honestly, “What do I do if I haven’t done my taxes in 5 years?” BT: What do I do if I haven’t done my taxes in 5 years? J: You scramble to get as many W2s as you can from the past years, & give them to me in a big pile & I try to sort through it.
BT: Full name, sign, originally from? Jason Jay Graham. Zodiac sign, Sagittarius & originally from Philadelphia. BT: When did you first come to Key West? J: First time I ever visited was Fantasy Fest, 2007. I had a great, great time. I fell in love with it. & then I went home & moved down here April of ‘08. BT: What was your first job ever? J: I was a paperboy, [laughs] for the Bucks County Courier. BT: When did you become an accountant? J: I started doing taxes my freshman year in high school & I just learned as I went along. My father taught me, pretty much, everything I know. BT: What’s a good tip for someone that might think that they screwed up their taxes last year? J: What I would do is just get a copy of your tax return & all your forms & bring it to me. I’ll look at it. 34 kwBarTab.com
BT: What’s your average turn-around time on a tax return? J: I can turn a tax return around in a couple of hours. The problem is that so many people procrastinate. They get them in the last week, & I get slammed. So the earlier I get it, the faster my turn-around time is. BT: How many bathing suits do you own? J: I just thought about that the other day. I own 4, & 3 of them don’t fit anymore. [laughs] They’re too big. BT: What are your top 3 favorite restaurants in Key West? J: Oh, jeez. I don’t want to offend anybody-- Seven Fish, love Seven Fish; Santiago’s, of course. I’m going to go with a toss-up between 2 Cents & BlackFin. BT: Do you have any other general shout-outs or plugs? J: Yeah. Check out a new local venue, called Muse, upstairs at Kelly’s. I’m working here now, & it’s a nice little venue. & I think it could be pretty special in this town. Need help on your taxes? Contact Jay at [215] 989-1228 for more info & started on your return early.
36 kwBarTab.com
Bar & Restaurant Listings Listings appear in alphabetical order. If you would like to update please contact us at info@kwBarTab.com Cheers! Get 2-4-1 drinks daily or 10% off your food order at over 25 KW bars & restaurants a with the Bar & Restaurant Cards. www.KeyWestBarCard.com
2¢
UFO
416 Appelrouth, 305 414 8626 • An off the
beaten path gastropub with graffiti-tagged walls with dishes from wings & burgers to yellowtail snapper & soft shell crab.
801 BOURBON
LAM
801 Duval, 294 4737 • The front bar is the
locals’ hangout. Drag shows upstairs at 9 & 11pm, bingo on Sun. Saloon 1 in back is not for the timid or faint-hearted. 4 TVs [w/ porn] Get a 2-4-1 daily with your
90 MILE LOUNGE
UGOML
300 Front, 509 7780 • Playing some of the
best blues in the Keys. Great deck overlooking Front St. Live music playing regularly with cigars & full liquor bar. 11a-2a or later.
915 [NINE ONE FIVE]
✆UFO
915 Duval, 296 0669 • Mediterranean–
American tapas menu with a tuna dome that can’t be missed. One of the finest wine lists in the Keys with ample indoor & outdoor seating. 38 kwBarTab.com
✆ reservations
ULF
AGAVE 308
308 Front, 509 7304 • Key West’s first tequila
bar, with over 50 different tequila & 20 craft cocktails. Open 11a-1a or later, with HH 4:306:30p & 10p-12a.
✆F
AMBROSIA
1401 Simonton, 293 0304 • Amazing bar, lounge & restaurant. The new look may be a bit much to some die hard fans, but they are still serving up some of the best sushi in town.
AMIGOS
OL
425 Greene, 292 2009 • Tacos , burritos, nachos & more. Not only delivering Mexican food to your door, you can get margaritas or some beer too! Open 8a-1a, Fri & Sat till 6a delivery 11a-11p.
ANTONIA’S
2
✆UF
615 Duval, 294 6565 • This amazing Italian
restaurant is one of Duval’s finest. 100s of wines by the bottle & authentic Italian menu. Lunch 11am-2p & dinner nightly at 5p.
AZUR
UF
425 Grinnell, 292 2987 • Mediterranean fare at one of Key West’s chef owned restaurants. Breakfast 8a Mon-Fri, lunch till 2p. Dinner 6-10p Mon-Sat & a brunch on Sun.
BAGATELLE
LGO
115 Duval, 296 6609 • Daytime & evening
menus designed by chef Maria Manso. HH 5-7p with $5-7 small plates & drink specials. 2-4-1 daily w/ 10% off food w/
recommended
BEACH BAR @ the Pier House
WFO
01 Duval 296 4600 • Stop by for lunch or just sit oceanside at the bar & soak in some of their island drinks. Ask about their live music.
BETTER THAN SEX
UFL
926 Simonton, 296 8102 • Erotically charged atmosphere, sporting dessert dishes like Jungle Fever & Missionary Crisp. Open daily 6pm-midnight.
BLACKFIN BISTRO
FO
918 Duval, 509 7408 • From breakfast inside
with a view of Duval to late night dinner on the back deck, Blackfin offers savory bistro cuisine with a true Key West flare with fantastic outdoor dining.
BLUE HEAVEN
FOMN
729 Thomas, 296 8666 • Cats & chickens
living in harmony & an award winning wine list that complements extraordinary food. One of Key West’s best breakfast/brunch spots.
BLUE MOJITO
WUFO
601 Front • At the Hyatt, plenty of waterfront couches to chill on. Light food served & full liquor bar & offering 20% locals’ discount. Get a 2-4-1 daily with your
BOBBY’S MONKEY BAR
LADN
900 Simonton, 294 2655 • One block off Duval, activities provided through the week. Karaoke 9:30p Mon, Thurs, Fri & Sun. Tues 7p pool tourney. HH noon-8p on beer & wells.
U upscale F food served G food served late S sports M entertainment
BOURBON STREET
LAO
724 Duval, 294 9354 • The ultimate guys-only
night out. Porn on TV, dancers on bars & pool w/ waterfall. Mon is movie night & 2-4-1 Tues. 16 TVs [2 big, 3 w/ porn]
BOTTLE CAP
OLMN
1128 Simonton, 296 2807 • Cool lounge w/ a
rock n’ roll twist. DJ music Tues, Fri & Sat @ 10p. Pool room w/ a sic video jukebox to listen to pick your own tunes. Outside bar for those cool KW nights! HH 5-8p. Get a 2-4-1 daily with your
BULL & WHISTLE
LM
224 Duval, 296 4565 • Live music all day,
everyday. Get 2-4-1 margaritas [or one large] at the bar or grab a table & ask Lynn or Vicky for Debbie’s award winning Bloody Maria!
BURGERFI
GOL
221 Duval, 453 6869 • All-natural burgers & fresh-cut fries right on Duval. With quick service & a full liquor bar, in an old school Key West style house on the 200 block.
THE CAFÉ
F
509 Southard, 296 5515 • Mostly vegetarian
entrees, sandwiches & awesome veggie burger. Organic wines, specialty beers & herbal teas. Open daily Mon–Sat 11am-10p. Delivery or take out.
CAFÉ SOLÉ
UFO
1029 Southard, 294 0230 • A few blocks from Duval & some of the most authentic cuisine this side of Paris. Fine wine, sherry & ports.
O outdoor seating
UF
CAMILLE’S
1202 Simonton, 296 4811 • A locals’ favorite
w/ a menu that changes daily. Serving a fantastic breakfast, lunch & dinner. HH 4-7p. Opens 8a-10p[ish]. 10% off food w/
CAROLINE’S
SFO
310 Duval, 294 7511 • This totally outdoors
bar/restaurant is awesome. Great for people watching & low priced menu items. Lisa & Bethany in command. Delivery available. 2 TVs
CHARLIE MAC’S
FSOL
404 Southard, 320 0204 • BBQ is back
downtown next to the Parrot. Serving food late night & HH 4-7p. Home of the Southernmost ‘Canes club & live music regularly.
CHEF DISTILLED [RUM DISTILLERY]
105 Simonton, 294 1441 • Key West’s first legal rum distillery. Taste it, watch it be made, buy it & enjoy. Get a tour through their distillery with lots of history. Open till 7pm.
THE COMMODORE
✆WUF
704 Front, 294 9191 • On the harbor walk,
come to experience their spectacular creations. Stop in the lounge & have a nip on a Frost Bite.
CONCH REPUBLIC
WFOM
631 Greene, 294 4403 • This open-air bar &
restaurant offers dozens of rums & then some. Plenty of seats at the bar, w/ live music every night. Be sure to ask about the rum sampler.
CONCH TOWN LOUNGE
LN
3340 N. Roosevelt, 296 4343 • This is a locals’ favorite New Town hang out. Awesome prices, 2 pool tables. You can bet on a late night crowd to have ‘one more’ on the way home with.
CORK & STOGIE
ON
1218 Duval, 517 6419 • Booze & cigars, C&S is open 10a-11p. Daily wine tastings & a great place to get Key West Factory cigars. Free Wi-Fi for customers.
COWBOY BILL’S
FOLM
DANTE’S
WFOM
618 Duval, 440-2605 • HH 4-7p $2 PBRs, 2-4-1 margaritas & bartender special. Wed 9-11p Ladies Drink Free for Sexy Bull Riding. Live regional bands 10p-2a Tues-Sat. 32 TV’s, 4 pool.
951 Caroline, 293 5123 • Pool side drinking &
dining with HH Mon-Fri 4-8p all drinks almost half price. Poolside DJ every weekend, tons of locals pounding shots - this is KW’s premier public pool to get hammered at! 15 TVs
DONS’ PLACE
LODN
1000 Truman, 296 8837 • Closed only 3 hours, 6 days a week. Opens 7a & stays open till 4a. 10 TVs, 1 pool, 1 dart, 1 GT, juke tunes.
DEUCE’S ‘OFF THE HOOK’
✆FN
728 Simonton, 414 8428 • Open 8a-10p,
dinner starts at 5p specilizing in seafood & pizza. HH 4-6p discounted beer & wines. Closed Tuesdays.
L open late W on the water A alternative lifestyle N neighborhood bar D dive bar
39
F
EL SIBONEY
900 Catherine, 296 4184 • When your pockets are feeling light, Siboney can at least keep your belly full with great Cuban food at extremely reasonable prices.
FINNEGAN’S WAKE
LGOMN
320 Grinnell, 293 0222 • Probably the best draft selection in the lower Keys & a sweet outdoor patio. You can get food here till at least 1a & drinks till 4a.
FLAMING BUOY
✆FO
1100 Packer, 295 7970 • Fresh dishes &
local seafood served daily. The lobster mac & cheese is a must. Dine in or take out with delivery as well. Open 6p Tues-Sunday.
FOGARTY’S
LFO
227 Duval, 294 7525 • Home to the Flying Monkey Saloon with Kyle & Ryan serving up the fastest frozen drinks in KW! Lunch & dinner at great prices. 16 TVs [6 in A/C!]
GRAND CAFÉ
✆LFO
314 Duval, 292 4740 • Proving to be an
outstanding decision for lunch &/or dinner. Serving one of the best menus in town, plus mojitos & the Grand Margarita.
GRAND VIN
O
1107 Duval, 296 1020 • This wine shop/bar is
a great place to start or end an evening. Buy a bottle, then head to the porch for a table. Vin pours wine by the glass & a few beers.
40 kwBarTab.com
✆ reservations
GREEN PARROT
LMDN
601 Whitehead, 294 6133 • Probably the
biggest anchor in town. The best live acts in the Keys w/ a bartending staff who make slinging drinks look as easy as drinkin ‘em. 4 TVs, 1 pool, 1 dart, best jukebox in S. FL.
HALF SHELL RAW BAR
WFO
231 Margaret, 294 7496 • Great raw bar on
the harbor walk & bar to kick back a few back at & relax. Recently expanded game with shuffle board & skeeball!
HOG’S BREATH
WFOM
400 Front, 292 2032 • Catering to a tourist
crowd, but also remains a locals’ favorite. Great bar staff & shucking bar & some of the best bands playing original live music in town. HH 5-7pm & 1-2am. 6 TVs, 3 bars
WFOM
HOGFISH
6810 Front [Stock Isl.], 293 4041 • Best place for live music on Stock Island. Their hogfish sandwich is a must! Breakfast Sat & Sun at 8a. HH 4-7p Mon-Sat. 4 TVs, 1 pool Get 10% off food with your
HOT TIN ROOF
✆UWFO
0 Duval, 296 7701 • Delicious martini list &
slick lounge with Sheila & Jake. Sit back & take in the ocean view & the live music from the Sunset Pier @ the Ocean Key. Opens at 6p.
HURRICANE HOLE
WFO
5110 Overseas Hwy, 294 0200 • At Hurricane Hole Marina, across the Stock Isl. bridge. A haven for locals to hang out on the water.
recommended
IRISH KEVIN’S
LM
211 Duval, 292 1262 • Watch Guinness
chugging contests on stage, accompanied by live music all day long. Full liquor & over 25 draft aiding the staff here to keep you sloshed.
ISLAND DOGS
LGOM
505 Front, 509 7136 • Street-side seating just steps off Duval. Live music Thurs, Fri & Sat. Nice blend of casual & upscale bar. Open late w/ food till the crowd dies down.
JACK FLATS
SLG
509 1/2 Duval, 294 7955 • Great grub served
to 1a or later. This is the place to be on game day. Matt & Doug run things at night, Gretchen in the day. 38 TVs [12 jumbo] & audio boxes.
JDL’S BIG 10
SGLN
920 Caroline, 294 6277 • Restaurant & sports bar specializing in the Big 10 teams. 2 HHs daily 3-6p & 11p-2a. Food 11a-2a w/ delivery till 12a. 23 HD TVs, 1 pool 2-4-1 daily w/ 10% off food w/
KELLY’S
UFO
303 Whitehead, 293 8484 • Spectacular
outdoor dining area to enjoy Key West’s days & nights. HH 4-7p on drinks & wings at the bar. Try one of the micro brewed beers.
KOJIN
GL
502 Street, 296 2077 • 6 different noodle
bowls, perfect apps, featured menu items & sakes to complement. HH 4-5p & 11p-12a, 20% off alcohol & their soft-egg shooter Get 10% off all food with your
U upscale F food served G food served late S sports M entertainment
OL 506 Southard • A few steps off Duval, Krawl KRAWL OFF DUVAL
offers the most tap craft beers in the Keys. Tuesday SIN 8p-close with drink specials & live music. Outside seating & HH 5-7p.
LA TE DA
ULFOM
1125 Duval, 296 6706 • Outside full liquor bar. Shows in the Crystal Room & piano bar. HH 12-7p on beer, wells & wine.
✆UF
LA TRATTORIA
524 Duval, 296 1075 • Classic cuisine &
impressive wine list - probably the Keys’ best Italian! The street side bar is perfect to sip on libations with over 20 specality martinis.
SLO
LAZY GECKO
203 Duval, 292 1903 • The Gecko’s throwin’
the best party in town with a locals’ back bar that’s a great escape from the weekend madness! DJs Tues, Wed-Sat late night. HH 5-8p [till midnight Sun & Mon]. 15 TVs
FO
LOBO’S
5 Key Lime Sq, 296 5303 • Fresh ingredients
& prices you can’t beat in downtown Key West. Wraps, quesadillas, nachos & beer. Dine in or get it delivered. Open Mon-Sat 10a-5p or a little later.
LUIGI’S SECRET RECIPES
zLG
521 Fleming, 292 4962 • Calzones, pizza pies or slices & sandwiches. Just a half block off Duval & open till 12a w/ delivery. See their menu in the back of BarTab.
O outdoor seating
MANGIA MANGIA
FO
900 Southard, 294 2469 • Fresh seafood,
homemade pasta made daily & the Keys’ most famous pesto. Great outdoor garden to dine in. Offering over 400 different bottles of wine. Get 10% off all food with your
MANGOES
FO
700 Duval, 292 4606 • A very classy &
relaxing dining patio complete w/ an outdoor bar. Sit back & watch the entertainment of Duval Street while dining or sipping on a cocktail.
FM 500 Duval, 292 1435 • Daytime the restaurant MARGARITAVILLE
jams more than most on the island. Bands take the stage at 9p Tues-Sunday. If you didn’t know already, try a margarita & cheeseburger.
MARTIN’S
UFO
917 Duval, 295 0111 • European-style fare nicely settled on upper Duval. With street-side lounge seating & a menu Chef Martin has been perfecting for over 20 years in KW.
MICHAELS
UFO
532 Margaret, 295 1300 • Located in the back
streets of Old Town, this is a Key West favorite. Owner & Chef Michael Wilson offers a classic menu w/ an island twist.
MR. CHEAPEE’S
L
423 Duval, 305 292 0486 • Cheapee’s offers
a wide variety of liquors & wines to suit every taste and every price range. Cigs, liquor, wine & beer right off Duval to-go.
LF
MR. Z’S
501 Southard, 305 296 4445 • Grinders, pizza,
& the best cheesesteaks in Key West! Open till 4a every night, just a half block off Duval. See their menu in the back of BarTab.
LF
MR. Z’S TOO
2798 N Roosevelt, 296 5306 • Mr Z’s second location in New Town. This Z’s offers some indoor seating as well. Open 11a-midnight with the same great menu items. See their menu in the back of BarTab.
FO
OLD TOWN MEXICAN CAFÉ
609 Duval, 296 7500 • Subtle ethnic décor
enhances your Mexican experience. Beer & wine w/ a handful of Mexican beers, but we opt for the pitchers of sangria.
FO
ORIGAMI 1075 Duval, 294 0092 • Outdoor sushi
restaurant, coupled w/ astounding sushi & a large supply of sake, BarTab doesn’t need much more than that.
PEPE’S CAFE
zOF
806 Caroline, 294 7192 • A Keys unique ‘diner’ is crazy busy for breakfast. Chances are there will be a bit of a wait, but it’s worth it. Full liquor bar & food served 7:30a-10p.
PEARL’S
AFO
525 United, 292 1450 • Poolside bar & food
served. 2 blocks from the Southernmost Point. HH Mon-Sat 5-7p. Get a 2-4-1 daily with your
L open late W on the water A alternative lifestyle N neighborhood bar D dive bar
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✆UF
PISCES
1007 Simonton, 294 7100 • This is as upscale
as Key West gets, having received awards from Zagats & AAA 4 diamond & original Warhols on the wall. Open at 6p & reservations recommended.
FO 915 Duval, 296 0669 • Craft cocktails, beer, POINT 5
fine wine & eats. 2nd story balcony overlooks Duval, perfect for people watching. Full menu until 12am. DJs & Happy Hour Fri-Sun at 10pm. Open Sun-Thurs, 5-12am & Fri, Sat, 5-2am.
LON
THE PORCH
420 Caroline, 517 6358 • Local crowds
drinking carefully selected craft beers. Bottles of wine to go or camp out on the porch with $2 off drafts & wine 4:30-6:30p.
UWF
PRIME STEAKHOUSE
951 Caroline, 296 4000 • This tucked away
gem is located upstairs from Dante’s. Serving a steak & seafood menu that is complemented by an extraordinary wine list.
FO 407 Front, 295 7447 • Steps away from RED FISH BLUE FISH
Mallory Square, serving some of the best seafood in town great pre & post-sunset destination with $5 margaritas every day.
ROOFTOP CAFE
UFOM
308 Front, 294 2042 • Great deck overlooking
Front St. Live music playing regularly with one of the better martini lists in Key West. Opens at 10:30a. 42 kwBarTab.com
✆ reservations
RUM BARREL
SGOM
528 Front, 292 7862 • Here is your Eagles’, Flyers’ & 76ers’ Southernmost headquarters. Sweet upper deck with live music Wed-Sat. 10 flat HD TVs & more than 170 rums available.
RUM RUNNER’S HOUSE
LO
SCHOONER WHARF
1117 Duval, 296 2680 • Serving over 250 selections of rum, try a flight of 5 types for $25. Open 11am-midnight or later w/ a full liquor bar.
SEADOG TAVERN
RUMOR LOUNGE
SEVEN FISH
LM
430 Greene • Funky, sexy lounge steps from the 200 block. HH 5-8p & bacon bloody Mary’s all day Sunday. Come dance to the best in EDM nightly & sip on one of their signature drinks.
WFO
SALSA LOCA
411 Petronia, 292 1865 • Best authentic
Mexican food in Key West! Eat chips & salsa till you can’t anymore. Open Tues-Sun 11am10pm, 11p on the weekends.
WFO
SALUTE
1000 Atlantic, 292 1117 • Get to Higgs Beach for a terrific beach front treat. A casual atmosphere dishing up lunch & dinner. HH 4-7p w/ $1 off drinks with a great sunset view! Opens 11:30a.
SANTIAGO’S BODEGA
✆FON
207 Petronia, 296 7691 • Over 30 tapas dishes & great wine. Escape the crowds at this cozy restaurant in the heart of Bahama Village. HH 3-6 w/ a $5 tapas menu & drink discounts. Get 10% off all food with your
recommended
LFOMD
202 William, 292 3302 • Spacious harbor front bar where the din of local chatter & live music fills the air all day. See the only Bar Magician in the Keys. 2 TVs, 1 pool Get a 2-4-1 daily with your
FOM
628 Duval, 414 8133 • Wings, burgers & nachos w/ an outdoor bar & live entertainment. HH 4p-7p Mon-Fri.
✆UF
623 Olivia, 296 2777 • Nestled in Key West‘s
sleepy back streets, 7 Fish has become a favorite for “locals in the know.” Eclectic menu w/ emphasis on local catch.
SHANNA KEY
SLGN
1900 Flagler, 295 8880 • Great selection of
ales & great Irish food served till 3a. 7 TVs, 1 GT ‘06, internet juke tunes.
SHIMP DADDY’S
SLD
908 Kennedy, 294 4818 • Hidden in the mini-
malls of New Town, this is an escape from the clubs on Duval. Open 9a-4, with HH 4p-8p, 13 TVs, 3 pool
SHOR
WUFO
601 Front, 809 4000 • Savor a million
dollar harbor view & delicious cuisine in this extraordinary Key West restaurant.
U upscale F food served G food served late S sports M entertainment
LN
SHOTS & GIGGLES
Greene & Ann, 414 8272 • Beer & wine bar,
& package store. 30% off at the bar HH 4:30-6:30p. Great place to stop for one & take a bottle to go.
LFM
SLOPPY JOE’S
201 Duval, 294 5717 • There’s enough
entertainment from people watching alone, & also serving up live music all day. Check out Joe’s Tap Room Backroom Saloon.
SOLO
UGLO
610 Greene, 296 2033 • Solo has stepped up
to be one of Key West’s classier destinations. Specialty cocktails, flatbreads & upscale food served late night. Half off happy hour 4-6p.
SOUTHERNMOST BEACH CAFÉ
WFO
1405 Duval, 295 6550 • Beach side restaurant that braves the morning to serve breakfast. One of the few bars on Key West w/ a beach & chair rentals. HH 4-6p $4 apps & drink specials. 5 TVs
SMOKIN’ TUNA
LFOM
4 Charles, 517 6350 • Great seafood & raw
bar, with live music nightly @ 6pm-1am by amazing singer / songwriter. Grab a world famous t-shirts right off Duval. Food till 11p.
SQUARE ONE
UFOM
1075 Duval, 296 4300 • In Duval Square
plaza, a menu of American cuisine w/ ethnic twists on old standbys. 11:30a–3p & 6-10p.
O outdoor seating
STONED CRAB
LFOW
3101 Roosevelt, 294 4350 • At the Ibis Bay
Resort, HH 3-7p, breakfast starting at 8a, & food served late night. Live music, public pool & pool side Thurs movie night. 2-4-1 daily w/ 10% off food w/
SUNSET PIER
0 Duval, 296 7701 •
WFOM This could be the
beginning or end of your Duval crawl. A great place for sunsets on their extra long seated pier. Located at the Ocean Key Resort. Get a 2-4-1 daily with your
TATTOOS & SCARS
LOM
512 Greene, 517 6610 • Free BBQ every Sunday for football. Two 2-4-1 HHs 4-7p & late night Sun-Thur 2-4a. 1 pool, 8 TVs
TAVERN N TOWN
WFO
3841 Roosevelt, 296 3676 • Rated the best restaurant & bar in the US by Marriott guests.
The T&T has a 2-4-1 HH everyday, plus on Tues & Thurs $7 tapas at the bar.
L
TEASERS
218 Duval, 292 0486 • The slim staircase on Duval gets you access to plenty of girls hanging out all night long! Slick lighting & sound system with a Grey Goose VIP room.
THAI ISLAND
FW
711 Palm, 296 9189 • Located at Garrison
Bight, this is BarTab’s favorite ethnic fare in Key West [specifically the Panang Curry]. Food served 11a-10p.
TURTLE KRAALS
WFO
231 Margaret, 294 2640 • Now offering Cuban/Caribbean flavors, the island’s only ceviche bar, and a return to the glory days of the Tower Bar.
L
VINO’S ON DUVAL
810 Duval, 294 7568 • 2 great tables on their raised on-street patio & offering 16 wines by the glass, a variety of wine by the bottle & beers. Open noon-1a.
VIRGILIO’S
LOM
524 Duval, 296 8118 • Upscale martini bar has live jazz music Wed & Thurs, rotating bands Fri & Sat & home of the $5 martini every Mon night!
WILLIE T’S
LGMO
525 Duval, 294 7674 • Serving 31 flavors of
mojitos & HH 4-7p with discounted drinks. Late night menu with panini, pizzas & more. Mojito Mondays 2-4-$12. Bands throughout the week @ 7p & Fri & Sat @ 3p & 7p.
WORLD OF BEER
LFM
511 Greene, 517 6260 • WOB makes sipping
beer an experience! Where the most extensive beer selection in the Keys meets island living. Live music regularly, lite food served & a phone app taking beer tasting to the next level.
WORLD’S SMALLEST BAR
L
124 Duval, 294 8507 • This bar lives up to its name. Blink & you might miss it. This place stays open late night on Duval.
L open late W on the water A alternative lifestyle N neighborhood bar D dive bar
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44 kwBarTab.com
Key West’s
Premiere Martini Bar MAGICAL, MIND ALTERING LUBRICANTS FOR SOCIAL INTERCOURSE
For over thirty years Virgilios Martini Bar has been a local’s favorite, attracting locals and tourists alike for classic cocktails, live music, and late night dancing in our inviting garden bar setting.
HOME OF THE ORIGINAL
MARTINI MONDAYS
MONDAYS FROM 7 TO CLOSE
ALL MARTINIS ARE $5.00
Live Music 7 nights a week Sexy Speakeasy
Extensive Martini list Late Night Menu
524 DUVAL STREET BEHIND LA TR ATTORIA RESTAUR ANT
305.296.1075
2014 Bar Patron Quiz What kind of Key West service industry patron will you be in 2014? Take the BarTab quiz & find out:
1
Long term Don’s Place bartender Jill Cassell recently, eh-hemm, “changed jobs.” How does this make you feel? a) Jill is a one-woman, hoola-hooping party. I would follow her to any bar she stands behind. See you at Bagatelle! b) Jill is no longer at Don’s? WTF! c) Who’s Jill? d) No hablo ingles.
2
Where’s the best place on island to grab a quick lunch? a) The Moose Lodge b) Garbo’s Grill c) Bad Boy Burrito d) 5 Guys e) Sandy’s f) Franco’s Deli g) Amigo’s h) Stick N’ Stein
3
Who has the best beer selection in town?
a) Krawl b) The Porch c) World of Beer d) Finnegan’s Wake
by Leigh Pujado
4
Which of the following best describes an awesome Date Night in Key West? a) Happy Hour at the Farm, cocktails at Shots & Giggles, dinner at the Hot Dog Cart on the corner of Caroline & Duval, & dancing at the Parrot. b) Happy Hour at the Kelly’s, dinner at The Rooftop Cafe, a show at Waterfront Playhouse & cocktails after at Agave 308. c) Happy Hour at Shimp’s, dinner at Louie’s Backyard, a show at 801, & late night cocktails at Aqua. ( I like to keep my dates on their toes.) d) Delivery Mr Z’s, a 2 liter Pinot Grigio & Netflix. e) Tropic Cinema followed by late night eats & martinis at The Grand. kwBarTab.com
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5
How strongly do you agree with the following statement: “Daniel at 2 Cents is totally adorable & he knows a ton about wine.”
a) Strongly agree. b) Agree. c) I don’t know Daniel because I’m an idiot & I’ve never been to 2 Cents.
7
Key West recently lost legendary local bartender Chicken Moyer. What is the best way to pay homage & honor her memory? a) Raise a Pinot Grigio & tell a great story about her. b) Donate to the American Cancer Society at: www.donate.cancer.org c) Remember how quick she was with a smile & offer the same courtesy to your customers. d) Be nice to your bartender... you never know when the last time you see someone is truly the last time.
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8
What is your favorite thing to order at Better Than Sex? a) The Chocolate Grilled Cheese. b) The Peanut Butter Perversion. c) The Red Velvet Cheese Cake. d) Any drink with a “rim job.” e) Apparently I’m an idiot. Not only do I need to meet Daniel at 2 Cents, but I need to try Better Than Sex as well.
6
When is it ok to make fun of tourists? a) As soon as they ask a really stupid question like, “Where’s the Mel Gibson Museum?” b) When two extra large ones are attempting to ride an extra small scooter the wrong way down Southard Street with their blinker on. c) Upon their arrival. d) Never.
9
Where is the best place to people watch on the island? a) The patio at Vino’s on the 800 block of Duval. b) The Whistle Bar balcony. c) The bus stop between Kmart & The Dollar Store. d) Salute at the Beach. e) For fun, I like to monitor the progress of the North Roosevelt Project.
Sip a morning coffee on the beach with a spectacular sunrise. Enjoy a delicious burger while you’re lounging in the sun. Have a romantic candlelight dinner overlooking the Atlantic Ocean. Unlike any other restaurant in Key West, this is open air, oceanfront dining at its best. Breakfast, Lunch & Dinner 7 days a week from 8am to 10pm Happy Hour Sunday-Thursday 4-7pm at the Southernmost Beach CafÊ.
1405 Duval Street 305 295 6550
SCORING ANSWERS 1. a) 10 pts - Jill is awesome! b) 7 pts - Get with the program. Or get a Facebook account. c) 0 pts - Do you even live here? d) 2 pts - No es su culpa. 2. a) 1 pt - Do they even serve lunch?
b) 10 pts - Excellent choice! c) 10 pts - Another excellent choice! d) 2 pts - Please expand your horizons. e) 7 pts - tasty but getting ever more expensive. f) 10 pts - Yet another excellent choice! g) 10 pts - We obviously have a lot of great choices in lunch. h) 0 pts - They aren’t even in business anymore, but they always hated me so much that I can’t resist poking fun of them.
3. I don’t know how to score this one. I really just wanted to know, who has the best beer selection in town? 4. a) 5 pts - Party on Dude! I hope you are under the age of 30. b) 10 pts - Now that sounds nice! c) 10 pts - A true sampler. Sounds fun. d) 10 pts if there is sex after the movie, 1 point if there is not. e) 9 pts... Make it 10 pts if Darryl or Tracy are working the bar at the Grand. 50 kwBarTab.com
5. a) 10 pts - Daniel is the best!
b) 8 pts c) -2 pts. Why haven’t you been to 2 Cents?
6. a) 5 pts b) 8 pts, but only under your breath. c) 0 pts - You’ve been a tourist too, you know, & I’ll bet you were pretty stupid. d) 10 pts - Not to their face anyway.
8. a) 10 pts
WHAT YOUR SCORE MEANS 70-85 You’ve got your finger on the pulse of the island service industry. You are going to have a great time, make great friends, & eat awesome food.
9. a) 10 pts - Clayton & Valerie did that place up right!
55-70 It’s hit or miss with you... you could have a better time if you got out a bit more & enjoyed all this island has to offer.
7. a) 10 pts c) 10 pts
b) 15 pts d) 10 pts
b) 10 pts c) 10 pts d) 10 pts e) -3 pts. Seriously? It’s on the corner of Truman & Simonton. What’s wrong with you?
b) 10 pts - Lots of stuff to see from up there! c) 2 pts - You seriously need to get out more. & if you were looking for Stick & Stein, they closed last year. d) 10 pts - Always plenty going on at the Beach & The Love Lane Gang plays there every Sunday! e) 1 point - Someone needs to monitor that shit!
Less than 55 Please catch the next Greyhound back to Ohio. The island no longer has use for you. email: cleighpujado@gmail.com Please, no more hate mail from Stick N’ Stein’s former employees, patrons or management. I only continue to poke fun at you because I want you to lighten up.
RAISE YOUR DRINKS TO OUR
ALL-NATURAL MENU
Your burger is all-natural. Your dog is Kobe. Your fries are fresh-cut. Your drink is fermented. Your dessert is concrete. Your entertainment’s on late. You’re right on Duval. Your table is ready.
221 Duval Street Street BurgerFi.com 312 Duval
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52 kwBarTab.com
eat it
THE
SHRIMP & BACON CLUB
Grilled Gulf Shrimp, Smoked Bacon, Swiss Cheese, Lettuce, Tomato, and Tomato Basil Mayo
Jack Flats 509 1/2 Duval Street (305) 294-7955 photoG Nick Doll Photography
kwBarTab.com
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YOU HUNGRY? AFTER MIDNIGHT! Breakfast Burritos • Waffles • Cheese Steaks Quesadillas • Mac ‘n Cheese • & More! 12am - 6am every Friday & Saturday night, it’s
at 425 Greene Street Key West, FL 33040
Catty Corner from Sloppy Joe’s Bar
www.amigoskeywest.com
get lots of email from people around the country Iasking questions about Key
Weird. Most of them are from people who already have or people who are interested in visiting us. But they’re not easy questions when the subject is Key West. In just about any small town in the USA the answers would be fairly cut & dried. But not on this tropical island full of my fellow weirdoes & our visitors. (oops! I almost forgot, please repeat the beginning of this column in a deep “Gone With The Wind” southern accent...) O.K. let’s move on. P.S. I know at least one person did this! NOTE: Many of the questions involved are about the “residentially challenged” & as people are amazed that there are so many here. For laziness reasons they will hence forth be referred to as bums, although I bear no ill will towards most of them - except for the guy who poops on our back porch all the time.
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ASK HOEBEE by....wait for it....Bill Hoebee
What are the locals favorite things to do? From a quick survey I just took, it turns out that “finding money lying on the street” is the big winner. Followed closely by “a parking meter with time left on it” & “getting a seat at their fave bar during tourist season.” Why does everything cost so much here? Really? Perhaps because this is an island 120 miles away from the real world & everything has to be shipped here & that unless someone decides to put an addition to the island we’re not getting any bigger. So... what’s here is here, & when people desire what’s here prices generally rise... read a book!
What should a reality show about Key West be like? It should be called “Beach Bums” if you look back in Pop Culture to the “60’s” you’ll find that “beach bum” was a term of endearment. Popularized by “Beach Movies” often starring Annette Funicello & Frankie Avalon. A “beach bum” was often a carefree surfer with no job, surviving on the wits, skills & good looks it took to make him cool. Our “beach bums” show would feature electrified wallets placed in beachgoers shoes when they go into the water. Unsuspecting real KW “beach bums” go up to steal it & ZAAAAP! fun for the whole family!
Why are there no horse drawn carriages here? For many reasons: insane heat, no place to put ‘em, animal cruelty, etc. But I believe the real reason there are none could be summed up in 2 words... Road Apples...I think we have enough turds laying around on Duval Street already. Are there hookers on the island? This is a 2 part answer: a) Yes b) Ask yourself if this person has a waistline & a full set of teeth & is a waistline absolutely necessary for you? If you answered “no” proceed with caution, also if you value your scrotum in its current condition don’t ask strippers if they’re a hooker. FYI 99% aren’t. & remember if you get scammed by a street hustler, keep it to yourself & if anybody you know gets wind of it, it probably won’t invoke sympathy if you’re picking up what I’m puttin down!
Is dating hard on a small island? After awhile the free spirited nature that’s akin to the island means that if you stay here long enough you’ve likely copulated with every available person on the island & know their specific mental situation: unless you’re a total troll. So dating gets easier the longer you’re here... FYI booze can help lower your standards.
And Finally... What would you do about the insane amount of homeless? Well 1st off I’d like to tip my hat to the bums who made it all the way down here. Seriously if you were “residentially challenged”, wouldn’t you wanna be here? But if I were to try to solve this dilemma I would...Put them in charge of stuff. The thing I’ve heard most of them fear is... work. Running this tropical asylum is hard work so making them run the town in a manner that would still be fun for them would be...work. Once they realize what they’re doing they’ll be on the next bus to Miami. On a realistic note (for a change), most of the homeless people are cool, try not to judge all of them on the actions of a few violent psychopaths. If you have any questions other than “Do you really get paid to write this?” ask away billhoebee@clearchannel.com
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