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50 SCENARIOS “Solving the Problem”

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WHAT WOULD YOU DO?

The following is a collection of real scenarios that found parents in conflict.

Why Do We Talk about Conflict?

Conflict is going to be a natural part of your life after divorce as you co-parent your child. The important thing is how you resolve conflict, how you manage conflict.

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#1 Only the Young Pickup and Return John and Maryanne are divorced and have two young children Johnny and Maryanne ages 5 and 1. John has weekend access to the kids. During pick up and drop off Johnny jumps into John’s car to begin the weekend. Maryanne, however, starts crying and refuses to go with John.

Mary believes that Maryanne doesn’t want to go because she prefers not to see John. John believes that Mary is saying things to Maryanne so she won’t want to go with him for the weekend.

What would you do?

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#1. Only the Young Transitioning Suggestions

Prep the Visit: Suggest how fun it’s going to be at dad’s or moms and all the things that your child is going to experience.

Remember it does you no good to have a child traumatized when visiting your ex.

Ten Minute Rule: Some kids benefit from a ten to twentyminute transition period. Let the kid adjust to the parent whose taking them. Don’t rush the exchange and force the child from one parent to the other.

Drop Off and Return at School or Day Care: Pickup and drop off and day care reduces parent interaction which may be stressful for little ones.

Meet at Neutral Locations – Fun Locations: Kids may be more at ease at McDonalds or at the park. Having less anxiety, changing the child’s focus may be key in creating better exchanges for your child.

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WHAT WOULD YOU DO? #2 Monkey See Monkey Do? Victor and Cecilia are divorced. Victor and Cecilia have two young children Juan and Angel ages 7 and 3. Victor has weekend access to the kids. Victor notices that Angel is hitting Juan with a closed fist. Victor believes that Angel is hitting Victor because he sees family violence at Cecilia’s home. Victor knows Cecilia has a new boyfriend that she hasn’t disclosed. Cecilia tells Victor that Angel is having trouble with his behavior is angry and is acting out.

Dad’s What would you do? Mom’s? ____________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________

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List the problems that kids face when their parents get divorced?

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What sort of behavior did you notice your child or children have experienced? ____________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________ While not all kids need therapy, it doesn’t hurt to have your child visit with a therapist to see if help is needed.

CPS may need to be called to protect your child. If you have believe that there is evidence of abuse or neglect contact child protective service immediately.

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WHAT WOULD YOU DO? #3 Houston-We Have a Problem Victor and Cecilia just separated. Victor and Cecilia have two young children Juan and Angel, ages 10 and 5. Victor has weekend access to the kids. Victor just began his weekend access to the kids at his new apartment. Angel won’t leave Cecilia’s side when he comes home. Angel has trouble sleeping at night and wakes up with night terrors.

What would you do? ____________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________

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Do • Communicate Parents should be talking at this moment not blaming one another. Your child needs help. The child needs time to get used to his or her new surroundings.

Can you calm the child’s stress by providing a favorite blanket or favorite toy? Will facetime help? Have you considered a therapy dog? These are questions that should be talked through.

• Look for Resources\Solve the Problem Divorce is traumatic event for everyone in the family. There may be times when a therapist should be contacted when children are experiencing problems transitioning through the divorce process. A therapist might help your child work through the problems.

Don’t • Use this as an opportunity to minimize the other parent Its important that both parents have access to their child. Blaming one parent for the child’s issues is not a productive exercise.

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WHAT WOULD YOU DO? #4. History Repeats Juan and Toni have been divorced for over 4 years. Juan and Toni have done well co-parenting up to this point with their youngest daughter Alejandra.

Alejandra starts having trouble with reading at school when she started 1st grade. Juan, who was dyslexic himself, blames Toni for being a bad parent and not finding Alejandra help at school.

Dad’s What would you do? Moms? ____________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________

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Recognize Needs Kids are going to need special attention sometimes. Parents need to remember that finding the correct resource is more important than assessing blame on the other parent.

Child Therapist?

Like adults, kid’s performance can decline due to depression or anxiety. If the child’s performance is linked to stressors a trip to a child therapist may be needed.

Assessing Your child?

Has your child been assessed to see if they are reading on an appropriate age leve? Do you know what your child’s needs are? Have you considered taking the child to Sylvan or Kumon. Are the programs successful?

Medication There is a significant percentage of kids who need ADHD medication to perform well in school. If you believe that is a possibility you both talk to a mental health professional and try to be on the same page regarding the child’s care.

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WHAT WOULD YOU DO? #5. Is it Your Time or Your Child’s Life?

You are very excited because your sixteen-year-old daughter is singing at halftime of her school’s high school football game. You become concerned when your ex tells you that he is not taking her anywhere on his weekend because it’s his time.

How would you engage your ex on this topic?

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It may be your period of possession of access but it is your child’s life. Be respectful of major events that the child has that she or he will remember for the rest of your life.

Be smart. Your relationship with your child will last far beyond the child’s eighteenth birthday. Bad memories of time at your house will not help foster a long-term relationship. Think long term!

You may have to interact with your ex from time to time on an issue like this. Be flexible. Attempt to swap weekends.

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WHAT WOULD YOU DO? #6. Follow the Court Order?

How would you respond?

Mike and Maria have been cordial after the divorce. Mike keeps asking for Maria to exercise time outside of the court ordered parenting schedule. When Maria asks Mike to swap weekends with her Mike refuses telling her to “follow the court order.” Maria wonders…….

What would you do?

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Be Wary of Power Imbalances Its important to know to establish some basic ground rules after your divorce. Some parents become aggressive after the divorce proceedings are over. Your decree is there for a reason. Following the court order can eliminate power imbalances that may have been the very reason for your divorce.

Strategies Learn to say no. No is an acceptable word after all. You’ve worked hard and this is your time with your child. Your child needs you too.

Swap weekends. When your ex requests time ask them to trade, day for day, weekend for weekend. Make sure to put the requests in writing. If your ex doesn’t honor this written agreement contact an attorney for legal advice on the matter.

Keep a journal or a calendar. You will want to make sure that you keep a history of your ex’s requests and modified time periods. Don’t put your self in a situation where giving “extra time” means having to go back to court to modify the existing parenting plan.

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WHAT WOULD YOU DO? #7. Follow the Court Order?

How would you respond?

Mike and Aracelli are parents of Andrea a pre-teen 10 year child.

Mike just bought a smart phone for his daughter Andrea so she can stay in touch with him. Andrea takes the phone back to her mother’s home.

Mike is concerned that Aracelli is keeping Andrea from using the phone to reach him.

What are the issues that Aracelli may have with Andrea having a cell phone?

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How Smart Phones are Misused Parents abuse cell phones: • Geo track the location of their child’s other parent.

• Obtain video surveillance during face time exchanges with the child. One parent went so far as to have their child walk around Your Child may be too young to use a smart phone.

• Access to adult sites • Access to social media apps.

Reach a consensus • Both parents should have access to child’s phone • Both parents should be able to agree on how to restrict child’s access on social media sites, etc..

• Both parents should be able to agree on how much time the child should be allowed to have with the smart phone on a daily basis.

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WHAT WOULD YOU DO? #8. Looking for Options How would you respond?

Daniel and Vanessa are divorced and are parents of Johnny, a 5 year old boy. Johnny is Autistic and has been diagnosed with Asperger’s.

Daniel and Vanessa number one priority is how to raise Johnny. Daniel wants the child to go to public school and be around kids his age.

Vanessa wants to have the child home schooled.

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Reaching a consensus • First off - no one is right or wrong in this situation. Each parent is entitled to their opinion. When parents become deadlocked it’s important to find the best resources available to solve the problem at hand. • Mental health professionals, like a child therapist, may be in tune with the needs and wants of special needs children. Most mental health professionals are going to be able to provide the pros and cons of each decision, allowing the parents the opportunity to work through the issues of the da.

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WHAT WOULD YOU DO? #9. The new friend……….

How would you respond?

Monique and John have an amicable relationship and are on their way to co-parent after their divorce with their 5-year-old daughter, Annie. Six months later John starts dating Tonya. Annie comes to Monique and tells her that Tonya is mean, that Tonya drinks and that Tonya hits John. Annie says that she doesn’t want to go back to see her daddy if Tonya is there.

What would you do if you were Monique?

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Be Objective Kids can tell stories because they do not want their parents dating a stranger.

Your child may exaggerate or say untruths. Its hard to hear information from your child because your first instinct is to protect them. Kids can manipulate just as easy as adults can. Why do kids do this? Lots of reasons. Perhaps it’s a matter of territory. Perhaps it’s a matter that they still want their parents to talk to one another – even if it is just to argue. Before you pass judgment on the situation be objective, try and get more information.

Can You Attempt to Initiate Dialogue?

If you had a good relationship before, why not continue it? Your ex needs to know what was said because he needs to know what is going on? You may be astonished at what his response is. “Tonya” may be the baby sitter or a person he met on tinder. You’re not going to get to the bottom of things until you ask. At that moment you have the knowledge to know what to do.

Ideas It may be appropriate to immediately call your ex when your child makes statements like this. Calling the child’s bluff may be the best way to stop the manipulation.

If All Attempts at Co-parenting fail Follow through, always follow through. If you have reason to believe that child abuse is happening contact an attorney and if need be, child protective services.

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WHAT WOULD YOU DO? #10. The favor……….

How would you respond?

Mike and Molly have a three-year-old Jack. Prior to the divorce Mike promised to take Jack to Spiderman as soon as it came out. The first showing of Spiderman is not on Jack’s weekend. Molly offers to take Jack to see the movie but Jack tells her “its not the same.” Jack picks up the phone to call Molly…..

What would you do if you if you were these parents?

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Children do not understand Court Schedules Following a schedule for when they get to see mom and dad is going to be confusing for your little ones. The question is how to handle a situation where a child expects/requests/demands to see a parent on a set day of the week.

Ideas Do’s • Create a calendar in your child’s room starring which days of the week they get to see mom or dad. Teach your child how the calendar works. Have your child make a list of the things he or she wants to do with their other parent.

• Help your child. Encourage them how much fun the will have • Be transparent. Explain to the child’s other parent that there is an event that your child wants to attend. Offer to exchange weekends OR simply just ask if you can take your child to the event. Remember that there may be times when you need to return the favor.

• Offer to trade. Trade your weekend so you can be present for the event.

Don’t • Use the opportunity to punish your ex. If you can allow your child to go to the event with their dad (for example) do it.

• Use the opportunity to blame. Telling your child “We couldn’t go to the movies because of mom” will only confuse your child.

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WHAT WOULD YOU DO? #11. The Life of a Teenager John and Mary have been divorced for over 10 years. Juan and Mary have done well co-parenting up to this point with their 15 year old teenage daughter Maria.

Maria starts rebelling against seeing dad during his weekend period. Maria wants to spend time with her friends and doesn’t understand why she has to spend time with her dad.

Dad’s What would you do? Moms? ____________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________

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Teenagers Have Needs to At times what teenagers want to do has nothing to do with spending time with either their mom or their dad. That being said there has to a balance between meeting the needs of the teenager and spending time with family. Coparenting with an ex can be difficult when there is a teenager involved.

Get Involved

Coach For some parents, coaching helps instill the work ethic and life skills they feel is important for their children to succeed when they reach adulthood. Coaching is a way to bond with the child to allow “parent time” and giving the child the freedom to pursue life as a teenager. If not coaching, participating in activities such as scouts can be equally beneficial.

Establish Proper Boundaries - Just like in a non-divorced family, teenagers need to know that there is time for friends and then time for family. Allowing teenagers to do what they want and when they want could be recipe for disaster.

Stay in Contact – Stay in contact with your teenager’s other parent. They may have insights about what this child is going through so you can stay prepared.

Establish Common Rules – Smart phone usage, access to social media should be talked about between parents.

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WHAT WOULD YOU DO? #12 Need Itinerary?

Sam and Melissa have been divorced for just a year. Sam is wanting to take their six year old daughter to see his parents who live in Vermont. Melissa is afraid that their daughter is not ready for the trip and is fearful that Sam may not return the child. Custody papers are in place and Sam has always followed the court order.

What would you do?

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Itineraries Sharing itineraries goes a long way in providing the other parent with just the right information. Make sure the other parent understands that that you know where the local hospital is.

Strategies Airplane travel can be stressful for kids. Both parents should be figuring out strategies to make the event a fun one. Buy a toy airplane. Go to airport see planes take off. Proper planning might make a stressful event an event that will be remembered for a lifetime.

Photo Album are a perfect way for a child to keep memories of a great event.

Photo albums can also show the other parent a good idea of what happened during the trip.

International travel can be a touchy subject. Before you begin to worry remember international travel of a child requires both a passport and a consent to travel form signed by the other parent. The consent will include the dates for the trip and the destination where the child is traveling to.

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WHAT WOULD YOU DO? #13. Can we all just get along?

Joan and Mando just got divorced. Joan and Mando don’t communicate well so the court asked that they contact each other through App Close. Mando keeps sending Joan text messages (outside of app close) and keeps trying to call her. Joan is getting tired of Mando.

What would you do?

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WHAT WOULD YOU DO? #14 Joan and Mando don’t communicate well so the court asked that they contact each other through App Close. Joan uses the app close to talk to Mando about how bad a spouse he was and how bad his family is. Mando doesn’t want to engage in a back and forth conversation but feels like he has to say something back to Joan.

What would you do?

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