KIDS FIRST
Resources
PARENTS SECOND
For Divorcing
March 2018 Issue: Meeting the kids needs
Just be Dad
Parents
Just be Mom
Welcome parents. It is our hope that this magazine serve as a resource to solve the day’s problems. Matt Sossi Executive Director Kids First Parents Second index
Table of Contents
Keeping the kids out of the middle Shelley Probber Psy.D
How to Tell the Kids - Dr. Honey Sheff
Index
3
Statistics to Know
4
Kids are Not Pies
5
PBJ Sandwiches
24
Child Bill of Rights
33
KIDS RESOURCES
35
3
STATS YOU SHOULD KNOW
75% 75 percent of parents talk to their kids about their divorce for less than 15 minutes.
60% 60% of kids want to know HOW the divorce will affect their life
50% 50% of kids are unsure HOW the divorce will affect their life.
19% 19% of kids feel that they are to blame for the divorce.
INDEX
KIDS ARE NOT PIES Most kids love pie. But kids are not pies. Some parents want to divide up time with the kids like a piece of pie. Week on, week off, month on month off. INDEX
Kids have their own schedules that may interfere with the week on week off schedule. Parents need to look at the kids needs into the equation: 1. Quality of life: You need to make sure that your schedule will allow your child to enjoy the extracurricular activities they are used to pursuing (if possible). It’s not your time as much as it is about your child enjoying a quality of life. 2. Flexible: If you cannot be flexible a shared parenting schedule is going to be a very difficult venture. Kids forgetting clothes or homework at one parents' home leads to all sort of unintended interactions between parents. Shared parenting is going to mean 3. Discipline: Kids are going to need structure between homes - that's going to mean following the same basic routine and structure. Allowing some sort of parallel parenting scheme where the kids live by one set of rules at dads and then at moms is going to lead to total disaster.
HOW DO WE TELL THE KIDS? By: Honey A. Sheff, Ph.D. Clinical Psychologist, Collaborative Divorce Professional, Parenting Coordinator INDEX
Honey A. Sheff, Ph.D. Clinical Psychologist, Collaborative Divorce Professional, Parenting Coordinator
You’ve made the tough decision—perhaps one of the hardest you’ve ever had to make. It was agonizing, and perhaps a long time coming, but the two of you believe that this is the best choice for your family. But now, how do you tell the children? Telling your children about an upcoming or pending divorce is perhaps the most
painful
conversation that you will ever have. Truly, the only conversation that would be more difficult would be to
tell them that one of the parents had died. For most children this is a 9/11 moment: they will remember the when and the where forever. They will remember the big details and the small ones. And they will remember the words that you used. Therefore, before you can even think about what to say, it is important to consider the timing of this information, which is often one of the parameters overlooked in the emotion of the
decision. As a parent, it is extremely important to see this experience from your child’s perspective. Once the actual decision is finally made, you are often driven by anxiety to tell your child as quickly
as possible; as much to inform them as to escape your own feelings of stress and tension that build as time goes on and you feel like you are “keeping a secret”. What you need to understand is that hearing the news about parental divorce is often traumatic for most children, and typically
unexpected. That is why it is so important that you recognize not only the impact of this news on your child but why the timing matters. Where they are, when it occurs, and what is going on at the time are all variables imprinted on your child’s memory and subsequent recall of this experience. It is therefore critical that you NOT tell your child about a pending divorce
around a “recurring anniversary” event that will get triggered every year such as holidays, birthdays, beginning and ending of school/summer or other significant events. You remember 9-11 EVERY year on September 11th, and even unconsciously relive the trauma that hearing about the Twin Towers crash caused you. Similarly, if you contaminate a significant event with this news of divorce, each time that event recurs, potentially for the rest of their lives, they will recall “oh yeah, THIS is when you told me about the divorce” (and my life changed forever) and re-experience, even briefly, a pang of grief and sadness that accompanied the original news, never really allowing that wound to fully heal. At times, of course, it is simply not possible to do the “ideal” and in that instance, I encourage you to seek further guidance on how to best structure the timing to mitigate some of the potential fallout. Parents in the throes of a divorce are often not thinking clearly, but the goal for the sake of your children, is to share this painful news in not only the best possible way, but at the best possible time.
Once you’ve decided on the general timing, it makes the most sense to have this talk with your children over the weekend, preferably on a Saturday morning or early afternoon, although sometimes you do have to plan around your children’s busy activity schedule. Children should be told at home, using the kitchen, den, living room or game room but not their bedrooms. I like to recommend that parents bring in donuts or pastries, or lunch treats if it’s later in the day, as this serves as both a distraction and lays the groundwork for the children that “something is up”.
It is extremely important to remember that this conversation is the first of many, and is simply providing the foundation for having future talks as they process the information and life moves on. Consequently, depending on the age of the children and the number of questions asked, this initial talk should take no more than 10-15 minutes, especially since they will not remember very much after you say “We are getting divorced.”
Children demonstrate a wide variety of emotional and behavioral responses to the news ranging from shock and anger and tantrums to sadness and tears to no reaction at all, as if “it’s no big deal” or they knew it was coming and were therefore more prepared. There is no response that is “wrong” or “abnormal” unless it is at such an intense level that you are worried about your child’s safety. In the hundreds of families with whom I’ve
6
structured and scripted this talk, the most extreme reaction I’ve heard is when a child ran out of the house and up into a tree (which they were also prepared to deal with). On the flip side, you must also be prepared for your own emotional responses. It is okay to be sad and it is okay to cry. It is also
okay not to cry if that is not your usual reaction to such situations. By showing your own emotion, in the way that you typically do, it lets your children know that this is hard and it gives them permission for their own feelings. It would benefit both of
you to think about how your children might react, and how likely they are to either be “shocked” or to have some idea that this was coming.
So, you’ve scheduled the talk and you’ve set the stage. You’ve readied yourself for your children’s reaction as well as your own. Now what?
HOW EXACTLY DO YOU SAY IT?
WHAT DO YOU ACTUALLY SAY?
It is very important that both parents actively participate in this discussion and to start you can simply ask your children to come into the kitchen as you have something important to discuss with them. At this point, depending on your family circumstances, one of your children might ask: “are you getting divorced?” If this happens, quite frankly, your child is
giving you a gift (and telling you not only that they “know” but are more prepared to hear this news than you likely anticipated) and you.
accept it by simply saying, “yes, and that is what we want to discuss with you”. If not, then after everyone is settled in, with their donuts or pastries, one of you can introduce the discussion, by stating “we have made the very difficult decision to get divorced”. The pronoun that you use, such as “we”, which is preferred, is a personal decision depending on your personal circumstances. To the degree, however, that you can present this as a joint decision, it creates a unified front for your children and neither parent should be held unduly responsible. Regardless of the pronoun, at that point, it is important, especially with very young children, to follow this statement with “what this means, is that we are not going to be married to each other any more” or “we are not going to be a husband and wife anymore”. I encourage you, when discussing marriage or divorce, to focus on using “husband/wife” language, but when you reference the parent/child relationship, you focus on using “mom/dad” language. The distinction, while subtle, is significant and draws a line between the marital relationship and the parenting relationship. It is also important that you use “divorce” rather than euphemisms that often muddy the picture and confuse the children. Once you’ve crossed the initial hurdle, there are several “must tell” messages that need to occur in the next 10 to 15 minutes (and as often as you can thereafter in future discussions).
There is no special order to them, and I encourage you to say the same things in different ways for the message to sink in:
STARTING OFF THE CONVERSATION 1) We will always love you and nothing can change that 2) We will always be your parents and we will always be a family, just a different kind of family (mom will always be your mom, dad will always be dad) 3) This is not your fault and this has nothing to do with you (you did not cause this and you cannot fix this) 4) This is a grown-up decision and not something that you can change (this is a final decision) 5) Some things will change moving forward, and some things won’t (be prepared to provide examples of both: “you will have two homes” “you will continue to play baseball and soccer”) 6) This is for the best, even if it doesn’t feel that way, and we will all be okay
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After the initial shock wears off, the remaining discussion becomes very child-centric. Your children will want to know “how does this affect ME?” They will often, but not always, have questions that I encourage you to answer to the degree that you can. Do not be afraid, however, to say “I don’t know” but follow that with, “as soon as we do, we will tell you”. Do not make assertions that you are unsure of (e.g., you will continue to live in the same
house) or promises you may be unable to keep (e.g., you will continue to attend private school through graduation).
Why? Whose decision was this? Where will we live? Will we stay in the house? Will we go to the same school/church? Will I still be able to play‌. Or do‌.? Who else knows? Can I tell my friends? Do you still love Mom? Do you still love Dad?
Answering these questions are beyond the scope of this article, but if you think you will need guidance on how to respond to these kind of queries I encourage you to seek assistance from a local professional who can help you customize your script to your unique family circumstances.
WHAT DO YOU DO AFTER?
Finally, what do you do after? Some families benefit from going for a family hike or to the local park. Others go to a movie or out for a snack. Other families just spend some time at home, either all together or alone as they process the emotional cataclysm this news creates. It is important that both parents remain available to your children in the days following so that your actions follow your words. It is also helpful to check in periodically on
how your children are doing, or to answer any questions, taking the opportunity to deliver the “must tell� messages in a unified manner. There are many books available for young children that may be useful during the weeks that follow this talk as a way to reinforce the same messages. As hard as this discussion may be, you will survive and so will your children and you will all be better off for the time and effort you have taken to prepare and to tell them this news in the best possible way. Good luck.
Honey A. Sheff, Ph.D., P.C. 17480 Dallas Parkway, Suite 230 Dallas TX 75287 www.drhoneysheff. com
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WHY CO-PARENTING IS LIKE MAKING A PEANUT BUTTER SANDWICH
A little bit of investment equals big rewards: A PBJ sandwich is probably the easiest sandwich to make. Just like making a pbj sandwich, most co-parenting decisions are easy if you think about how to SOLVE the problem not CREATE one. Think about it.... you’ve solved your parenting problems before WHY STOP now?
INDEX
Focus, focus focus: It takes about 30-45 seconds to make a PBJ sandwich. It also takes about the same time to positively co parent. Say "yes" to a request or offer a suggestion that will help solve a problem. It shouldn't take hours to come up with co-parenting decisions, it should take about the same time it would take to make a dang sandwhich.
Co-Parents
Co-parents
Solve
Focus
The
Collaborate
Problem
Accomplish
EMPATHIZING
By: Shelley R. Probber Psy.D. index
Many parents worry about their relationships with
their
following
The best way for parents to respond to children
a
separation. about
children divorce
or
They worry
access
to
the
children; they worry about
who reject them is to hang in there, continue to nurture and support
how their children will experience the loss of their intact family; they worry about how the divorce will
loving relationships despite their children’s rejection.
change
their
children’s
perspectives about loyalty, commitment overcoming
and obstacles.
Perhaps most painful to parents is when children begin to reject them or appear to take sides with one parent over another.
A child’s estrangement from a parent may result from a complex web of many factors: a child may have had a difficult relationship with the parent prior to the separation. Depending upon the age of the child when parents separate, it may be difficult for parents to learn how to re-connect with their child when they have more limited time with him/her. Many parents bemoan the times they lost their temper with a child or got into a power struggle with a child over homework. They blame these conflicts on why their child has refused to visit or wants to limit contact with him/her. Regardless of what conflicts may have occurred with the child prior to or during the separation and divorce, there are few instances where a parent’s behavior warrants the outright rejection of the parent. After all, if all children were permitted to refuse contact with parents when angry with them, there would be many intact families where children were permitted to leave home and return home only when they were no longer angry. Further, this model does nothing to teach children how to tolerate uncomfortable feelings or move through more painful feelings toward resolving conflict with others. If the relationship prior to the separation was, in fact, positive and loving, then it is particularly painful and confusing for parents to understand why their child might be resisting contact. How can a parent understand their child’s refusal to see him or her? The child may have “taken one parent’s side,” and then seems to have taken on the anger of the other parent.
If one of these scenarios sound familiar, it is difficult for parents to be compassionate and empathic toward their children. In fact, often parents react to their child’s rejection by rejecting them in return. One parent reported to me, “Well, if she refuses to see me, I just won’t pay for her college. A relationship is two ways!” Another indicated: “I just thought that she was angry with me because she was closer to her mother and her mother was hurt. Now, she won’t see me at all and I am just going to insist on her coming over. She needs to know that this is my
A child’s estrangement from a parent may result from a complex web of many factors…. time!” Still another stated, “How dare he tell me that he has more important things with the o the separation.
to do with his time than to spend time with me. When he comes over next time, I am going to ground him!” While no one disputes the pain that these parents feel when they experience their child’s rejection, it is important to remember that these children are victimsmost likely of one of their parents contributing to this attitude through his/her own psychological difficulties with coping with the divorce. Therefore, rather than be
angry with your child, a more pro-active approach is to help your child navigate their relationships with both parents and continue to nurture your postseparation, post-divorce relationships with your children. When children report that they do not want to see the other parent, or that they are too angry or hurt to visit one parent, I tell them that this is not an option. After all, if their parents were still together and they were angry with one parent, they would have no other option other than to sort through their feelings—as uncomfortable as they may be—and continue in relationship with the parent with whom they are angry. If their parents were still together, it would not be an option for a child to move out and return to the family when they are ready. This same model should be used for children who consider a lack of contact as a solution for their anger at one parent. For the parent who is hurt and angry at their child’s rejection, it is important to understand that your child has likely been influenced by their other parent. Your job as a parent is to respond to your child in a loving, wise way, helping your child to use their knowledge of what is in their hearts to be able to respond to each parent
in a healthy way, leaving them significantly emotionally damaged by their parents’ failure to protect them from their own psychological
While it may be tempting as a parent to “set the record straight” and
frailties.
“fight fire with fire,” Instead, responding to your children in a loving manner which encourages them to openly discuss their feelings helps them to make independent choices about their relationships with each parent. Further, it is not wise to merely dismiss your children’s feelings, saying that they are just parroting their other parent. This only serves to fuel your child’s anger, making them feel as if you do not respect their feelings or do not believe them. The best way for parents to respond to children who reject them is to hang in there, continue
to
nurture
and
support
loving
relationships despite their children’s rejection. This shows your children that you can be the adult; it demonstrates your ability as a parent to put your love for your children above your animosity toward the other parent.
these types of responses only serve to polarize your children further…
It is difficult for parents to believe that their children can be so strongly influenced by the other parent. However, research has clearly demonstrated that everyone is susceptible to suggestion. This is what marketing campaigns are based upon. Now, imagine how powerful that suggestion is when coming from your own parent! Rather than feel anger toward your children when they succumb to these suggestions, it is far more effective to respond empathically. Communicating genuine compassion and empathy for your child allows them to know that you can tolerate their negative feelings without retaliation. It allows them to know that you respect and honor them, even if their feelings hurt your own feelings.
It should be noted that communicating empathy for your child does not mean that you condone rude behavior or disrespect. However, it does mean that you, as the parent, show your children that you take their feelings seriously, that you, yourself, can tolerate hearing how angry your child is with an attitude of openness and a willingness to work toward repairing conflict. As one twelve-yearold said so clearly to her father, “Just be the grown up!�
ALL KIDS SHOULD HAVE RIGHTS DURING AND AFTER THE DIVORCE PROCESS
I am your teenage son or daughter. I have rights in your divorce. I did not plan for your divorce. I planned on having a normal teenage life full of emotional ups and downs. I planned on worrying about acne, geometry and going on my first date. I need to inform you that I have some basic rights, and I want those rights respected by both of you. Theserights include:
1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. 8. 9. 10.
I have the right to be left alone. I have the right to askquestions, when I feel the need to‌ I have the right to be angry and speak my mind. I have the right to notbe placed in the middle of your conflict. I have the right to be with my friends. I have the right to do the things that make me happy. I have the right to ask how this divorce is going to affect me. I have the right to both parents, and not feel that I have to choose between you. I have the right to know that you will act in my best interest. I have the right to be happy and find happiness.
Signed on this the
of 20
From your child index Having read your request, your parents plan to honor and respect your rights as a teenager in this divorce. We will give you the room that you need to heal during this painful time while providing you guidance just like we always have. We sign this bill of rights understanding that you will look to your parents for continued love and support.
Mom
Dad
57
index
Grandparents, aunts, uncles and teachers! Visit our Kids First Parents Second website and click on Our Path To Courage Acivity Page. Our page provides free downloads to help kids of divorce. These kids will have questions. Help them look for an answer. Our Path to Courage is designed to help kids start engaging, participating and vocalizing their feelings.
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DivorceBookJointCustodyHR.jpg
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He waited all week for you to come. He planned what movie he wanted to see and what games he wanted to play. Most of all he waited all week to spend time with you.
ITS IMPORTANT TO SHOW UP, YOUR KIDS ARE WAITING!