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KIDS FIRST PARENTS SECOND PROJECT TEXAS 2018 A Resource to Help Divorcing Families

Table of Contents

Kids Resources

How to Tell the Kids Dr. Honey Sheff

Index

Statistics to Know

Kids are Not Pies

PBJ Sandwiches

Child Safe Zone

Child Bill of Rights

Mediate Don't Litigate

STATS YOU SHOULD KNOW

75% 75 percent of parents talk to their parents about their divorce for less than 15 minutes.

60% 60% of kids want to know HOW the divorce will affect their life

50% 50% of kids are unsure HOW the divorce will affect their life.

19% 19% of kids feel that they are to blame for the divorce.

KIDS ARE NOT PIES Most kids love pie. But kids are not pies. Some parents want to divide up time with the kids like a piece of pie. Week on, week off, month on month off.

Kids have their own schedules that may interfere with the week on week off schedule. Parents need to look at the kids needs into the equation: 1. Quality of life: You need to make sure that your schedule will allow your child to enjoy the extracurricular activities they are used to pursuing (if possible). Itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s not your time as much as it is about your child enjoying a quality of life. 2. Flexible: If you cannot be flexible a shared parenting schedule is going to be a very difficult venture. Kids forgetting clothes or homework at one parents' home leads to all sort of unintended interactions between parents. Shared parenting is going to mean 3. Discipline: Kids are going to need structure between homes - that's going to mean following the same basic routine and structure. Allowing some sort of parallel parenting scheme where the kids live by one set of rules at dads and then at moms is going to lead to total disaster.

We’ve Decided to Get Divorced: How Do We Tell the Kids? Honey A. Sheff, Ph.D. Clinical Psychologist, Collaborative Divorce Professional, Parenting Coordinator

You’ve made the tough decision—perhaps one of the hardest you’ve ever had to make. It was agonizing, and perhaps a long time coming, but the two of you believe that this is the best choice for your family. But now, how do you tell the children? Telling your children about an upcoming or pending divorce is perhaps the most painful conversation that you will ever have. Truly, the only conversation that would be more difficult would be to tell them that

one

the

parents had died. For most children this

9/11

moment: they will remember the when and the where forever. They will remember the big details and the small ones. And they will remember the words that you used. Therefore, before you can even think about what to say, it is important to consider the timing of this information, which is often one of the parameters overlooked in the emotion of the decision. As a parent, it is

For most children this is their 9/11 moment, they will remember the WHEN and WHERE of their Parent’s Divorce FOREVER

extremely important to see this experience from your child’s perspective. Once the actual decision is finally made, you are often driven by anxiety to tell your child as quickly as possible; as much to inform them as to escape your own feelings of stress and tension that build as time goes on and you feel like you are “keeping a secret”. What you need to understand is that hearing the news about parental divorce is often traumatic for 2

most children, and typically unexpected. That is why it is so important that you recognize not only the impact of this news on your child but why the timing matters. Where they are, when it occurs, and what is going on at the time are all variables imprinted on your childâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s memory and subsequent recall of this experience. It is therefore critical that you NOT tell your child about a pending divorce around a â&#x20AC;&#x153;recurring anniversaryâ&#x20AC;?

Do not tell your child about a pending divorce around a anniversary event event that will get triggered every year such as holidays, birthdays, beginning and ending of school/summer or other significant events. You remember 9-11 EVERY year on September 11th, and even unconsciously relive the trauma that hearing about the Twin Towers crash caused you. Similarly, if you contaminate a significant event with this news of divorce, each time that event recurs, potentially for the rest of their lives, they will

recall “oh yeah, THIS is when you told me about the divorce” (and my life changed forever) and re-experience, even briefly, a pang of grief and sadness that accompanied the original news, never really allowing that wound to fully heal. At times, of course, it is simply not possible to do the “ideal” and in that instance, I encourage you to seek further guidance on how to best structure the timing to mitigate some of the potential fallout. Parents in the throes of a divorce are often not thinking clearly, but the goal for the sake of your children, is to share this painful news in not only the best possible way, but at the best possible time.

Once you’ve decided on the general timing, it makes the most sense to have this talk with your children over the weekend, preferably on a Saturday morning or early afternoon, although sometimes you do have to plan around your children’s busy activity schedule. Children should be told at home, using the kitchen, den, living room or game room but not their bedrooms. I like to recommend that parents bring in donuts or pastries, or lunch treats if it’s later in the day, as this serves as both a distraction and lays the groundwork for the children that “something is up”.

It is extremely important to remember that this conversation is the first of many, and is simply providing the foundation for having future talks as they process the information and life moves on. Consequently, depending on the age of the children and the number of questions asked, this initial talk should take no more than 10-15 minutes, especially since they will not remember very much after you say “We are getting divorced”. Children demonstrate a wide variety of emotional and behavioral

Lay the groundwork that “something is up.”

responses to the news ranging from shock and anger and tantrums to sadness and tears to no reaction at all, as if “it’s no big deal” or they knew it was coming and were therefore more prepared. There is no response that is “wrong” or “abnormal” unless it is at such an intense level that you are worried about your child’s safety. In the hundreds of families with

whom I’ve structured and scripted this talk, the most extreme reaction I’ve heard is when a child ran out of the house and up into a tree (which they were also prepared to deal with). On the flip side, you must also be prepared for your own emotional responses. It is okay to be sad and it is okay to cry. It is also okay not to cry if that is not your usual reaction to such situations. By showing your own emotion, in the way that you

By showing your own emotion…it lets your child know that this is hard, and it gives them permission for their own feelings….

typically do, it lets your children know that this is hard and it gives them permission for their own feelings. It would benefit both of you to think about how your children might react, and how likely they are to either be “shocked” or to have some idea that this was coming. So, you’ve scheduled the talk and you’ve set the stage. You’ve readied yourself for your children’s reaction as well as your own. Now what?

It is very important that both parents actively participate in this discussion and to start you can simply ask your children to come into the kitchen as you have something important to discuss with them. At this point, depending on your family circumstances, one of your children might ask: “are you getting divorced?” If this happens, quite frankly, your child is giving you a gift (and telling you not only that they “know” but are more prepared to hear this news than you likely anticipated) and you accept it by simply saying, “yes, and that is what we want to discuss with you”. If not, then after everyone is settled in, with their donuts or pastries, one of you can introduce the discussion, by stating “we have made the very difficult decision to get divorced”. The pronoun that you use, such as “we”, which is preferred, is a

personal decision depending on your personal circumstances. To the degree, however, that you can present this as a joint decision, it creates a unified front for your children and neither parent should be held unduly responsible. Regardless of the pronoun, at that point, it is important, especially with very young children, to follow this statement with “what this means, is that we are not going to be married to each

FOCUS ON “MOM AND DAD” LANGUAGE

other any more” or “we are not going to be a husband and wife anymore”. I encourage you, when discussing marriage or divorce, to focus on using “husband/wife” language, but when you reference the parent/child relationship, you focus on using “mom/dad” language. The distinction, while subtle, is significant and draws a line between the marital relationship and the parenting relationship. It is also important

that you use “divorce” rather than euphemisms that often muddy the picture and confuse the children. Once you’ve crossed the initial hurdle, there are several “must tell” messages that need to occur in the next 10 to 15 minutes (and as often as you can thereafter in future discussions). There is no special order to them, and I encourage you to say the same things in different ways for the message to sink in:

STARTING OFF THE CONVERSATION 1) We will always love you and nothing can change that 2) We will always be your parents and we will always be a family, just a different kind of family 3) This is not your fault and this has nothing to do with you (you did not cause this and you cannot fix this) 4) This is a grown-up decision and not something that you can change (this is a final decision) 5) Some things will change moving forward, and some things won’t (be prepared to provide examples of both: “you will have two homes” “you will continue to play baseball and soccer”) 6) This is for the best, even if it doesn’t feel that way, and we will all be okay

After the initial shock wears off, the remaining discussion becomes very child-centric. Your children will want to know “how does this affect ME?” They will often, but not always, have questions that I encourage you to answer to the degree that you can. Do not be afraid, however, to say “I don’t know” but follow that with, “as soon as we do, we will tell you”. Do not make assertions that you are unsure of (e.g., you will continue to live in the same house) or promises you may be unable to keep (e.g., you will

KIDS WILL WANT TO KNOW… HOW DOES THIS EFFECT ME?

continue to attend private school through graduation).

WHAT KIDS WANT TO KNOW

Why? Whose decision was this? Where will we live? Will we stay in the house? Will we go to the same school/church? Will I still be able to play…. Or do…..? Who else knows? Can I tell my friends? Do you still love mom? Do you still love Dad?

Answering these questions are beyond the scope of this article, but if you think you will need guidance on how to respond to these kind of queries I encourage you to seek assistance from a local professional who can help you customize your script to your unique family circumstances. Finally, what do you do after? Some families benefit from going for a family hike or to the local park. Others go to a movie or out for a snack. Other families just spend some time at home, either all together or alone

WHAT DO YOU DO AFTER?

as they process the emotional cataclysm this news creates. It is important that both parents remain available to your children in the days following so that your actions follow your words. It is also helpful to check in periodically on how your children are doing, or to answer any questions, taking the opportunity to deliver the â&#x20AC;&#x153;must tellâ&#x20AC;? messages in a unified manner. There are many books available for young children that may be useful during the weeks that follow this talk as a way to reinforce the

same messages. As hard as this discussion may be, you will survive and so will your children and you will all be better off for the time and effort you have taken to prepare and to tell them this news in the best possible way. Good luck.

By: Honey A. Sheff, Ph.D. Clinical Psychologist, Collaborative Divorce Professional, Parenting Coordinator

WHY CO-PARENTING IS LIKE MAKING A PEANUT BUTTER SANDWICH

A little bit of investment equals big rewards: A PBJ sandwich is probably the easiest sandwich to make. Just like making a pbj sandwich, most co-parenting decisions are easy if you think about how to SOLVE the problem not CREATE one. Think about it.... youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ve solved your parenting problems before WHY STOP now?

Focus, focus focus: It takes about 30-45 seconds to make a PBJ sandwich. It also takes about the same time to positively co parent. Say "yes" to a request or offer a suggestion that will help solve a problem. It shouldn't take hours to come up with co-parenting decisions, it should take about the same time it would take to make a dang sandwhich.

Co-Parents

Co-parents

Solve

Focus

The

Collaborate

Problem

Accomplish

AFTER A DIVORCE ON KIDS SEE THEIR PARENTS INTERACT ON AVERAGE JUST 4 MINUTES A WEEK THATâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;S .07 AN HOUR OR .003 OF A DAY

Child Safety Zone Pledge – Our Son

Children have no defense against their parents’ anger. --Dr. Ross Campbell

The Philosophy of a Child Safety Zone: There are about 10,000 minutes in a week, and on average most children of divorce see their parents together for about 4 of those minutes. This leaves the parents about 9,996 minutes when they can talk about any topic, no matter how difficult or emotional. Those four minutes a week, as well as every time our son hears us speaking to one another, should belong to him.

Because these times together are so brief, all parents can give their children the gift of peaceful interaction during these times. Our Pledge to Our Son: We now agree that all times when our son sees us together or hears us speaking belong to him. They make up his Child Safety Zone and are entirely for meeting his needs, including especially his need to see us act as responsible adults in a partnership for him. They are not for conflict or dealing with any difficult issues.

Other children receive this gift from their parents, and our son is no less deserving. From today forward, we each give him the gift of this Child Safety Zone. Regardless of what my co-parent does or how I think I’ve been treated, I will always speak and act as a courteous and responsible adult during: o

All pick-ups and drop-offs.

All other times our son sees us together.

All telephone conversations when he knows we’re speaking.

With this agreement each of us will have the benefit of knowing that our son will be safer and happier—and also that we can approach all family encounters confident of a civil time.

Signature and date

Signature and date Note: For a personalized version, just replace “our son” with the name of the son you have together.

ALL KIDS SHOULD HAVE RIGHTS DURING AND AFTER THE DIVORCE PROCESS

I am your teenage son or daughter. I have rights in your divorce. I did not plan for your divorce. I planned on having a normal teenage life full of emotional ups and downs. I planned on worrying about acne, geometry and going on my first date. I need to inform you that I have some basic rights, and I want those rights respected by both of you. Theserights include:

1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. 8. 9. 10.

I have the right to be left alone. I have the right to askquestions, when I feel the need toâ&#x20AC;Ś I have the right to be angry and speak my mind. I have the right to notbe placed in the middle of your conflict. I have the right to be with my friends. I have the right to do the things that make me happy. I have the right to ask how this divorce is going to affect me. I have the right to both parents, and not feel that I have to choose between you. I have the right to know that you will act in my best interest. I have the right to be happy and find happiness.

Signed on this the

of 20

From your child index Having read your request, your parents plan to honor and respect your rights as a teenager in this divorce. We will give you the room that you need to heal during this painful time while providing you guidance just like we always have. We sign this bill of rights understanding that you will look to your parents for continued love and support.

Mom

Dad

Kids need resources to figure out how to handle life difficulties. Divorce is a confusing time for all. Visit us on facebook at Kids First Parents Second San Antonio and preview the FREE materials we have for your kids.

KIDS ZONE

KIDS FIRST PARENTS SECOND 62

KIDS FIRST PARENTS SECOND is a 501c(3) Organization WE HELP CHILDREN AFFECTED BY DIVORCE

Mommy Daddy Troubles is a book designed to help children four on up understand that divorce was never their fault. Mommy and Daddy Troubles is available for purchase on Amazon.com

index

For Kids 4-5

EMPOWERING AND BUILDING RESILIENCY “KIDS LOVE COUPONS!” Kids First Parent Second developed

coupons

for

children of divorce using the characters from our

Free Pass

book, “Mommy and Daddy Troubles.” Kids love coupons, who knew? Kids can print off the

Sometimes kids just miss their parents. A free pass coupon lets young kids know that a phone call to Mom or Dad is just a coupon away.

coupons we provided or BETTER YET they can create their own!

KIDSFIRSTPARENTSSECOND

EMPOWERING AND BUILDING RESILIENCY “KIDS NIGHT OUT” Share your “Kids Night Out” Stories with us on Facebook At Kids First Parents Second

KIDS NIGHT OUT Sometimes kids need a break. A “Kids Night Out” coupon is one where the child gets to say “I’m important, let's do something for me tonight!”

index

Grandparents, aunts, uncles and teachers! Visit our Kids First Parents Second website and click on Our Path To Courage Acivity Page. Our page provides free downloads to help kids of divorce. These kids will have questions. Help them look for an answer. Our Path to Courage is designed to help kids start engaging, participating and vocalizing their feelings.

IF 90% OF CASES SETTLE AT MEDIATION

WHY ARE YOU IN LITIGATION?

MOVING PAST LITIGATION TO MEDIATION Is this marriage worth saving or does it need to end?

If we could divorce by any other name, we would call it conflict. But hereâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s the rub. If weâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re going to talk conflict, we need to talk conflict management. Truth be told there are five different ways that we can resolve conflict, whether it be by competing, collaborating, compromising, avoiding or accommodating. Conflict can mean going to war and engaging in acts of destruction just as much as it means problem solving and reaching amicable settlement of the issues at hand. 31

When you think about conflict resolution most of us think about an individualâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s personality. Research has shown that our assumptions are incorrect. Some people naturally compete in given environments and collaborate in others. Conflict styles can change and evolve. As our understanding of conflict management evolves so does our understanding that a divorce can be undertaken without the need for litigation.

THE AMERICAN BAR ASSOCIATION AGREES 32

The American Bar Association published a report from a mediation task force in June of 2017. The 2017 study researched mediation techniques that The ABA report specifically reported

Mediations are successful when the mediator 1.

2. 3

elicit disputants’ suggestions or solutions; gives more attention to disputants’ emotions, relationship, and sources of conflict; works to build trust and rapport,

MEDIATION SHOULD HELP PARENTS LISTEN, RESPOND AND UNDERSTAND ONE ANOTHER.

He waited all week for you to come. He planned what movie he wanted to see and what games he wanted to play. Most of all he waited all week to spend time with you.

ITS IMPORTANT TO SHOW UP, YOUR KIDS ARE WAITING!