BERMUDA PARENT Monthly E-zine
Modeling Behaviour ReThinking Homework
Staying in Control Why You Can't Really Win An Argument With Your Child April 2016
CONTENTS STAYING IN CONTROL: WHY YOU CAN'T REALLY WIN AN ARGUMENT WITH YOUR CHILD.
MODELING BEHAVIOUR
PAST BPM KIDS
RETHINKING HOMEWORK
STREAMLINE YOUR DESIGN PROCESS
STELLA YOUNG: LIFE OF A PAINTER
Learn to work better with tips from top creative professionals p40 /
APRIL 2016
A day in the life of Stella Young, and how she stays creative p38 /
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Bermuda Parent EDITIOR'S SOCIAL NUGGET
Katrina Ball EDITOR-IN-CHIEF
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Staying in Control
Why you can't really Win an argument with your child By Janet Lehman MSc.
Why does arguing with your child give him power? When you engage in fights with your child, over time he will begin to believe that he is your peer and that he has the power to challenge you. This is a loaded situation because your child doesn ’ t realize that this empowerment he ’ s feeling isn ’ t real. The more powerful he thinks he is (and the more the defiant behavior gets him what he wants) the more he will use fighting as a way to solve his problems.
—
It ’ s so important to learn how to manage this type of behavior in your kids. I know this isn ’ t easy in fact, it ’ s probably one of the most difficult things you have to learn as a parent. The lesson here is, “ How can I let my child mature and individuate with the least amount of fights possible? ” Remember, the goal here is for your child to learn how to be responsible, communicate well with others, and develop problem-solving skills.
IS IT EVER OK TO ARGUE
FIGHTING=LOSING GROUND
Let me be clear: There is a difference between a
As a parent, I understand how easy it is to get into fights with
disagreement and a habitual pattern of arguing with your
your child. Power struggles can occur over issues large and
child. You want to teach your kids appropriate ways to
small, from getting your child to clean her room to arguing
communicate a disagreement. Knowing how to express disagreements in an effective way is an important life skill. Generally, it’s best to talk about things you don’t agree on when both of you are calm. Your child should
over homework and curfew times. Something James and I always said to parents was, “You don’t have to attend every
fight you’re invited to.” That means that you don’t have to get sucked into an argument every time your child wants to have one.
learn how to state his or her point of view in a respectful way (without name-calling or being rude). Listening is
An important thing to realize is that you can’t really “win” a
also a critical skill here, because you want to be able to
fight with your child. When an argument escalates, hurtful
hear what the other person has to say without negating
things are often said, people become reactive, and there is a
them or becoming defensive. In the end, you may not
likelihood of continued miscommunication
change your mind, but at least each side has spoken and been heard.
—and when that
happens, nobody wins. When you get into argumentative patterns with your kids, you will simply end up losing ground. Your child will stop listening to your rules, because he’ll
know that if he argues with you, there’s a chance you’ll give in. After all, one of the main reasons kids continue to fight with their parents is because they know they might be able to wear us down and get us to change our minds.
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STEP 1: KNOW THYSELF The first step in changing this pattern with your child is for you to know yourself and know your triggers. What pushes your buttons easily? There may even be times of the day when arguments seem to happen more easily. Maybe in your case, it’s the morning rush to get everyone out of the house. Be aware of those times and plan around them. My trigger was coming home from work and seeing my teen age son lounging in the living room eating potato chips
—usually leaving a mess. It would push my buttons and we would get into it immediately. I really had to work at not getting angry, giving myself a break, and giving myself some down time after work. I would go up to my room, change, and decompress from my day. When I was calm, I could talk to my son about cleaning up in a reasonable way without blowing up. Know that when you get into patterns of arguing, it makes it difficult to respond thoughtfully to your kids. You fall into a trap, so to speak, when a morning fight becomes a habit in your household. It’s a bit like having quicksand in your living
And what your child generally wants to avoid are consequences, limits and being held accountable for his
room; you keep getting sucked into it every day, even though
behavior. Fighting becomes an ineffective habit, one that
you know it’s there!
might lead your child to believe that he can use arguing as
I understand that parental stresses in our lives can really make
life.
us feel out of whack. Sometimes we just don’t know other ways of coping, so we lose the ability to effectively communicate. Unfortunately if we do the same thing over and over, we’re going to keep getting the same results because nothing’s going to change.
his main “go to” to get out of things he doesn’t want to do in
STEP 3: PLAN TO CHANGE THE PATTERN If you start acknowledging this pattern, you can start to make a change. Plan a strategy for the next time you see a fight emerging. What will you do when your buttons are pushed? When
STEP 2: ASK THESE QUESTIONS Once you see that fighting with your child has become a pattern, you need to stop in your tracks and re-evaluate how you’re interacting with him. •What happens right before you get to that place? •How does it happen? •What’s the sequence of events that often leads to the argument? •Are there trigger words, trigger requests, or trigger times of day for you?
struggle, decide that you ’ re not going to
“ play ”
this time. To make this more clear, here ’ s an example: Let ’ s say you ’ ve given your teen
daughter a consequence and she ’ s trying to get out of it by fighting with you. If you stay in the room and the argument continues, you ’ re just giving her more power. Instead, you can simply say,
“ We ’ ve
talked
about what ’ s going to happen. I don ’ t want to
Answering these questions will help you have that insight you need, so the next time you’re there with your child, you’ll be
able to stop yourself. Remember, no one ever usually “wins” an
—it’s really about what gets avoided through arguing.
argument
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your child tries to pull you into a power
discuss it anymore, ” and then leave the room. When you leave, you take all the power with you, and your child will be left yelling at the wall.
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STEP 4: LET YOUR CHILDREN KNOW Once you’ve realized that you have a certain pattern with your child and you’ve decided that you’re going to change it, let
STEP 7: EXPERIMENT WITH DIFFERENT STRATEGIES OF COMMUNICATION
your child know that you’re not going to give into these
arguments anymore. Depending on the age of your child, you
As parent, instead of arguing with your child, think about
can even say something like, “I’m going to work on not
how you want to come across. Sometimes changing the
arguing anymore. It doesn’t work for us. The next time this
way you communicate can have a big impact. Instead of
comes up I am going to ask you to go to your room until we
raising your voice, lower your voice. Instead of being
both calm down and can talk.”
wordy with your child, be direct and to the point. A good thing to say when your child is not complying with a
STEP 5: ACT THE WAY YOU WANT YOUR CHILD TO ACT Your kids are
“watching you for a living.” You can
request is, “What are you supposed to be doing right now?” When your child answers, simply say, “Then go do it.” Change your style, especially with things that cause a chronic argument. I know a family who writes notes or emails each other when they’re angry, rather than
teach your children not to argue by acting differently
exploding into a fight, and this really works for them. Be
with them. When you start interacting differently by not
creative and think about different ways you can
arguing, you’re going to teach your kids a different way
communicate in the moment in order to avoid fights with
of communicating. You’re role modeling and you’re offering a different pattern of communication.
—our behavior
your child. Figure out different kinds of places to have those
Remember, our kids watch us for a living
conversations with your kids. If you always argue as you’re
can teach them more than our words do.
rushing off to school in the morning, plan to have a different conversation or deal with that topic at a different
STEP 6: BEGIN WITH A SMALL STRATEGY
time. Or if your kid is older, you can ride in the car and have a tough conversation when you might not otherwise do so. If they’re even older, maybe go to a restaurant or sit at a coffee shop and have a conversation there, or try going
Begin with a small scenario. The first time you walk away from an argument, it can really feel like a great thing as a parent. You made the plan and followed through. Your child may not be happy that you did it, but you probably will. Change may start with a very small scenario. It could be “the next time my child argues when I say no, this is what I’m
for a walk. The changes you make now with your children are going to require you to be brave and courageous. This is hard work, but making these changes can break the cycle
—it’s so
of arguing. It will really pay off in the long run
important for your kids to learn better communication skills that they will need as they get older.
going to do.” Plan it out, and then follow through.
Don’t get me wrong, this isn’t easy. Your child might not respond the way you want him to right away, but don’t get discouraged. Just stick with it, and know that it may take time.
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STEP 8: DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY Sometimes arguments really are hurtful because someone escalates and says something mean or cruel. As a parent, if you can take those words your child hurls at you less personally, it can be immensely helpful. It’s more about the argument (and your child wanting to “win”) and less about how he really feels.
STEP 9: GET OUTSIDE HELP If you find you’re arguing with your child all the time, consider getting some outside support. Try a parenting program or use a 1-on-1 Coach to get help using these tools. Try to connect with those who you trust. Talk to a friend, a guidance counselor, your spouse, or your partner.
We must seek to move away from this mindset or we will lose our control and respect with our kids.
It’s good to remember as a parent that everyone makes mistakes and that there is a next time. We don’t learn how to do everything the right way overnight. This is something we have to work on. The good news is that we’re able to learn from our mistakes, and change and grow as parents.
Empowering Parents has been giving our readers “straight talk and real results” since 2007. We are committed to providing parents and caregivers with sound advice using the same Cognitive Behavioral Therapy principles that The Total Transformation and our other programs are based upon. www.empoweringparents.com This article has been reprinted with permission
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MODELING BEHAVIOUR By Maren Stark Schmidt "It felt like a sledgehammer had hit me in the face. In my desire to be nonconfrontational and not to be rude, I had lied. Right in front of my three- and fouryear-old daughters. As cool as you please."
myself to answer the call.
“Well,” Mark said. “Do you realize you just compromised your integrity to your children?”
“Good evening. Is Mrs. Schmidt in, please?” I recognized
It felt like a sledgehammer had hit me in the face. In my
the voice immediately. It was a telemarketer from a local
desire to be non-confrontational and not to be rude, I had
non-profit organization where I had ordered five-year
lied. Right in front of my three- and four-year-old
guaranteed light bulbs. For months the same two ladies
daughters. As cool as you please.
The telephone rang as we sat down for dinner. I excused
had informed me of their establishment’s needs and I purchased light bulbs for every socket in the house, given
What slippery slope had I slithered? There was manure in
a few to our neighbors, and stored a half dozen backups in
the barnyard and I was right in the middle of it.
the basement. My inability to be truthful and honest to the caller had My comments about having enough light bulbs didn’t
compromised my principles. Why did I find it impossible
deter these sales women. The calls continued, but I didn’t
to give any of a number of honest messages, such as:
want to talk to the light bulb ladies. It usually took me ten
Excuse me. We are sitting down to dinner. I can’t talk to
minutes to politely disengage myself from a call.
you.
“No,” I replied. “She’s not here.”
Or, thank you for calling. I have all the light bulbs I need for the next five years. Good-bye.
“Do you know when she’ll be back?” Or, I could have been flat out rude and hung up the phone.
“No. I don’t know when she’ll be back. Goodbye.” But for whatever reasons, I had found it easier to fib. A As I sat back down to dinner, my husband asked me who
white lie, a polite lie, but a falsehood, nonetheless. Casual
was on the phone.
deceit was not something I wanted to pass down to my children. It was true confession time.
“The five-year light bulb people. They won’t leave me alone.”
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“What I just did was wrong. I should have told the lady on the phone that I didn’t want to buy anymore light bulbs or that I was busy with dinner. I didn’t want to hurt the sales lady’s feelings. I didn’t want her to think I was mean and rude. But it is better to have the person on the phone think I’m rude than to have my family think I’m a liar.” Our actions illuminate who we are. From my embarrassment I realized that I needed to choose my words carefully. I learned that in awkward situations there is a way to be honest, yet direct and kind. This was critical as I became uncomfortably aware of how my actions and words could influence my children and impact their perception of acceptable conduct.
That evening, dealing with my little white lie and my humiliation, I uncovered a fundamental truth: Whatever you do, intentional or not, lights a path for your children. Make sure you’re headed in the right direction.
Kids Talk
TM
is a column dealing with childhood development issues written by Maren Stark Schmidt. Ms. Schmidt
founded a Montessori school and holds a Masters of Education from Loyola College in Maryland. She has over twenty-five years experience working with children and holds teaching credentials from the Association Montessori Internationale. Contact her at maren@mareschmidt.com. Visit MarenSchmidt.com This article has been reprinted with permission.
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ReThinking Homework Parents, imagine no homework to supervise and therefore no forgotten assignments. Teachers, consider having no homework to assign, grade, record and monitor. Alfie Kohn in his book, The Homework Myth, advocates abolishing homework based on a survey of educational research that shows there is no connection between homework and academic success.
For the past twenty years, under pressure to raise
Imagine if after the school and workday our families only
academic achievement, many school districts and schools
had to worry about how to best spend their newfound time.
have been increasing the amount of homework in hopes of raising standardized test scores.
Imagine no conflict between parents and kids over when to do their homework, where to do it, how to do it and why it
Some homework advocates say that homework is about
isn’t done. Imagine having time at home to devote to
more than better grades or test scores. Time
helping our children and family develop practical life skills
management, priority and goal setting, work ethic, study
of cooking, home care and maintenance, conversation,
skills and learning reinforcement are also given as reasons
problem solving and critical thinking.
for assigning homework. The research shows, again, that there is no correlation between homework and these
Teachers, imagine if you had no homework to assign,
skills.
collect, grade and record. Wouldn’t it be wonderful to choose a more effective way to communicate progress in
Kohn asserts that educationally we have been duped.
your classroom? Perhaps to write a one-page letter once a
Having been an elementary teacher who didn’t assign
month detailing the highlight of your classes’ work? Or
homework, I found it curious what my students would
perhaps have a two-hour parent/student open house twice a
choose to do at home. Afraid that their children would sit
year for students to show off their classroom, friends,
in front of the television, parents at first were skeptical of
teachers and school? Could no homework free teachers up
my no-homework approach. Over the years, my
to give each of students’ parents a ten-minute phone call a
students’ parents reported that their children chose to read,
couple of times a year? Would no homework give teachers
do math problems, write in their diaries, create plays, have
more time to plan lessons? Learn new skills? Spend time
pen pals, and more when given a choice about how to
with their families?
spend their time and energy. There are many things we could do to better serve the Parents reported that their children cheerfully helped
needs of our children, our families, our teachers and our
prepare dinner and clean up afterwards. That was a
schools than assigning homework.
refreshing and positive outcome for not assigning homework.
It’s time to rethink the efficiency of homework and the important dynamic relationship of home/school/child. We
What our children, our families and our teachers need is a
—parents, teachers and school administrators--need to stop
choice of how to effectively spend their time in order to
and examine the homework myth.
meet the needs of each person, family, classroom and school.
Kids Talk TM is a column dealing with childhood development issues written by Maren Stark Schmidt. Ms. Schmidt founded a Montessori school and holds a Masters of Education from Loyola College in Maryland. She has over twenty-five years experience working with children and holds teaching credentials from the Association Montessori Internationale. Contact her at maren@mareschmidt.com. Visit MarenSchmidt.com. Copyright 2016.
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