Feb 2016 Monthly Ezine

BERMUDA PARENT Monthly E-zine

Helping Your Child Change Self-Perception

10 WAYS TO PARENT AS A TEAM! February 2016

5 WAYS TO NUTURE YOUR CHILD'S EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE

CONTENTS 5 WAYS TO NUTURE YOUR CHILD'S EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE

HELPING YOUR CHILD

PAST BPM KIDS

CHANGE SELF-PERCEPTION

WHEN PARENTS DISAGREE: 10 WAYS TO PARENT AS A TEAM

STREAMLINE YOUR DESIGN PROCESS

STELLA YOUNG: LIFE OF A PAINTER

Learn to work better with tips from top creative professionals p40 /

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A day in the life of Stella Young, and how she stays creative p38 /

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Bermuda Parent EDITOR'S QUOTE

Katrina Ball EDITOR-IN-CHIEF

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5 Ways to Nuture Your Child's Emotional Intelligence

By Age of Montessori

People with high emotional intelligence tend to be more successful in all areas of their lives . So what can you do to help nurture your child ’ s EQ ?

By now, you’ve likely heard the term Emotional Intelligence or EQ. Emotional Intelligence has been linked with everything from confidence to capability, initiative to innovation, empathy to optimism, and more. But is EQ really that important? If so, how can parents and teachers help nurture their children’s emotional intelligence?

In brief, EQ is the ability to manage your own emotions and, therefore, your emotionally-driven behaviors. People with high EQs have the self-awareness and confidence to control impulses, reactions, and other behaviors in ways that increase social, academic, relationship, and career success. The way we, as parents and teachers, respond to our children’s emotions (particularly the negative ones) has everything to do with the child’s subsequent EQ level.

When we help our children expand emotional awareness, they can better manage their own feelings and impulses.

Additionally, they have a better understanding of the behaviors and emotions of the people around them. These are key factors in achieving happiness and all-around success in life. So, what can you do to help nurture your child’s EQ?

#1 KEEP A LID ON IT!

#2 EMBRACE THE DRAMA!

Okay Mums and Dads, this is the part where we have to keep ourselves in check. This, of course, is easier said than done. Parents these days are often trying to juggle way too many “hats.” It isn’t easy to keep your own

…even when exhausted

temper from ever boiling over

or sick or stressed or otherwise stretched beyond your limits. (Trust me, I’ve been there, and I’m not trying to lay on the guilt or suggest a holier-than-thou attitude.

You can read my confessions of a poor-parenting moment here.) No, we can’t expect to be perfect. But we can use some tried-and-true coping techniques to help get us through those especially frustrating parental moments. The next time you’re tempted to blow your

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–

top stop, breathe, count to ten, and remember as parents, it’s our job to teach kids to control their emotions. We must constantly strive to manage this feat ourselves. And if you fall off the horse, don’t waste time kicking yourself about it, use your time and energy to

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There is a certain member of my family I won’t name

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names here, heehee who is quick to label negative emotional responses as “dramatic.” Parents and teachers should resist the temptation to dismiss our children’s emotions just because they seem trivial to us.

All emotions are valid. And all emotional experiences are real. Instead of judging your children’s emotions, strive to help them understand what they are feeling and why. If we cannot recognize and acknowledge emotions (our children’s and our own,) how can we reasonably expect to master them? Make it a habit to recognize and name emotions as they arise (or in some cases, when things have calmed down.) Try not to think of the emotions as negative or positive, and allow children to talk about their feelings openly. Managing emotion and emotional reactions, starts with accepting

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that all emotions are real whether we like them or not.

get right back on.

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#3 BE FIRM, BE KIND Acknowledging the emotion behind your child’s

#5 DEVELOP HEALTHY HABITS

emotional outbursts does not mean giving in to

Of course, the ultimate goal with emotional

them. Remember, children in the midst of a

intelligence is to teach children to regulate

meltdown feel out of control, maybe even

their own emotions. To do this successfully,

frightened, by the strength of their own emotions.

they must have the right habits. Here are a

They are looking to you, the parent, to make

few basic emotional-management habits, but

them feel safe and back in control. You can do

you must determine for yourself what works

this by staying calm and sticking to your rules

best for you and your family.

and boundaries. I understand, in a tearful moment of meltdown, it may seem like giving in is the

•When depleted, choose a go-to place. For

kinder thing to do. This is when you remind

some, the best way to cope is to spend some

yourself that a firm hug feels much more safe and

time in your chosen ‘go-to’ spot (for my

secure than a loose grip.

husband, the garage seems to work well).

Sometimes, all it takes is a little time in your personal recharging station to get coping skills back on track.

•Accentuate the positive. By this, I’m not suggesting that you live in denial of allthings-negative, I simply mean to focus on the good stuff, and think about ways that negative situations might be improved.

•Be okay with mess-ups. Learn from mistakes, and then let them go. We all make mistakes, but dwelling on past failures can be crippling. Learn from the past, but keep moving toward the future.

•Evolve. Be open to new ideas, grow, change your mind, and learn from those around you

#4 LOOK BENEATH THE SURFACE Another funny thing about emotions, is that they aren’t always as they seem. Perhaps your child is having a tantrum about dinner, but what’s really eating him has nothing to do with food.

whom you admire.

•Get physical. What is a great way to blow off steam, reduce stress, increase endurance, and rid yourself of pent-up tension? I’m talking about exercise, of course. Find something physical you can enjoy doing with your children. That way, you can nurture your children’s emotional intelligence,

Children experience just as many complex emotions as adults; but we adults can’t always see what’s

physical health, and fun-o-meter, all at once!

happening beneath the surface. The next time your child is melting down, remind yourself that there may be multiple factors leading to this moment. Just remembering that there is likely more going on than meets the eye, can help us find patience and

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compassion even in the most trying of times.

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Helping My Child change Self-Perception Labels. We all are labeled by the roles we play or how others perceive us. On the day we are born, the labeling begins. “He looks just like his daddy. She’s an angel.

He’s a handful. She’s fussy. He’s scatterbrained. She has no patience. He’s greedy.”

By Maren Stark Schmidt

Names and adjectives are used to describe children

•The humorous child or class clown may

and tend to reinforce roles that become difficult for

never learn how to express painful feelings

our children to get out of.

or ask for emotional support.

Joey, whose mother tells him almost everyday that

•The popular child may not develop the

he’d lose his head if it weren’t attached, sees

backbone to take an opposing view or stand

himself as forgetful. The ten or twenty responsible

up for his or her rights.

and attentive actions Joey performs each day are never mentioned. Joey’s mother makes forgetting

Take a few minutes and think if there is a

to take out the garbage into a national incident.

role into which your child may have been

Joey sees himself as an

“air-brain” and the self-

fulfilling prophecy begins.

cast, either at home or school, by friends or relatives.

1.What are those roles?

.How we view our children can influence the way

2.What are the positive aspects of the role?

they see themselves and can affect their behavior.

3.How would you like your child to think of him or herself?

Mysteriously, whether we are seen in a positive or negative light, we can be cast in a lifetime role that

(For example capable, responsible,

may be very difficult to change.

persistent, courageous, abilities to work with others, etc.)

•The good big brother may never be able to express anger or set personal limits on others’ requirements

The challenge is to find situations where

from him.

your child can begin to see him or herself possessing these qualities.

•The temperamental little sister may always get her way by pouting, even when she’s 45 years old.

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…how do you

Some of the labels our children may be combating

I’m sure you’ll remember next week.”

follow:

think that would affect Joey’s air-brained selfperception?.

Stubborn

Bossy

Picky

Finicky

Sarah was an even-tempered ten-year-old. Three of her

Bully

Pushover

friends did not show up for her birthday party, but

Mouthy

Forgetful

Sarah seemed to take it all in stride and had a good

Clumsy

Hyperactive

time. After the party, instead of her usual compliment

Messy

Nuisance

to Sarah of “You handled that situation so maturely,”

Pest

Slow

Sarah’s mom decided to help Sarah see herself

Stupid

Destructive

differently.

Whiny

Undependable

Greedy

Cry-baby

“You must have been really upset that your friends didn’t show up or call. It must have taken a lot of self-

Disorganized

Disrespectful

control to keep smiling and make sure that your party

Likable

Athletic

was fun for everyone.”

Smart

Straight-A student

Happy

Helpful

“Yeah, it really hurt that they didn’t call. I think they are the rudest friends a girl could have,” Sarah said through her sobs.

We need to look at opportunities for our children to see

Sarah’s mom helped Sarah step out of the role of

themselves differently.

“mature” to be able to express anger, disappointment and frustration, along with the fear of losing friends.

For our children who are forgetful, we need to remind

Sarah learned that it was okay to act like she was ten-

them of the times they do remember things. If Joey’s

years-old, and Mom would still love her.

mother had approached Joey’s missed chores with a comment like this: “Joey, you are usually so

Don’t underestimate the power of your words on a

responsible and remember to do your chores. The

child’s life.

garbage didn’t get taken out to the curb this morning.

Kids Talk

TM

is a column dealing with childhood development issues written by Maren Stark Schmidt. Ms. Schmidt founded a Montessori school and

holds a Masters of Education from Loyola College in Maryland. She has over twenty-five years experience working with children and holds teaching credentials from the Association Montessori Internationale. Contact her at maren@mareschmidt.com. Visit MarenSchmidt.com

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BY DEBBIE PINCUS, MS LMHC

When Parents Disagree: 10 Ways to Parent as a Team Rather than teaching your child how to behave and problem solve, the focus instead becomes parent against parent.

Most couples have experienced this situation at one

—you think you should discipline your

Here’s the truth: Children can sense when their parents

time or another

aren’t in sync in their decisions around discipline.

child a certain way, and your spouse wants to handle it

Your child will feel the lack of unity between you,

differently. You each become entrenched in your

which can create a feeling of instability for him. This

position, and that’s when the fighting starts.

will also give kids an opening; they will sometimes use it to provoke a fight. This gets your child off the hook

At some point, most couples will argue over how to

and turns parent against parent.

discipline their children. After all, you and your spouse are different people who will naturally

Disagreements between parents can cause minor flare-

approach parenting differently at times

ups or a serious all-out war in your household.

—or maybe

more often than you’d like. Understand that some

disagreement is to be expected. Marriages, after all,

Following these 10 simple guidelines can help you to avoid battles when it comes to raising your children.

are unions between people from different family backgrounds and beliefs, which can easily lead to parental tensions.

Let’s stop here for a minute and make an important distinction between having different beliefs and communication styles versus not being able to agree on what decisions to make regarding your children.

Since we are not the same people, we will each have our own style of relating to our kids. You might be very talkative and like to chat while your spouse might be quieter and more reserved around your child. Both styles are okay. It’s the differences around parental decisions regarding a child that can be problematic.

For example, let’s say you believe your child should be punished harshly for lying while your spouse feels that lying isn’t a big deal. As a result, you react

differently and aren’t on the same page when it comes to consequences.

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1. Provide back-up. Make it a rule that if one parent

5. Empathize with your child, but don’t throw your

disciplines the kids, the other parent must back them up, even

spouse under the bus. If your spouse feels more

if they do not agree. If you don’t do this, it will show your

strongly about something and you’ve decided to go

child that his parents are not a unified team and undermine

along with their decision, you can say to your

your authority. Your child will see that he can get around any

child,

parenting decision you make. (Note: this does not apply to

let you go on a sleepover. I see it bothers you

parents who neglect or abuse their children. If you feel that

because you feel you are ready for this

something your spouse is doing is detrimental to your

independence.” You’re empathizing with your

children in some physical or emotional way, then you need to put your foot down and say, “I can’t go along with this.”

Then take the necessary steps to make sure your child is safe.)

“I know it’s hard for you when Mom won’t

child’s feelings, but not breaking the unified

stance. When you show empathy, your child also feels he’s understood and not so alone. Your child still must go along with the decision you’ve made

2. Arrive in the same place. Find a way to arrive in the same

with your mate. Again, later, Dad can discuss with

place on how to proceed with your child. Be aware that your

Mom his differing views and perhaps they can

fights over how to raise your children are disturbing to your

come to a different decision together on how to

kids. Children don’t like to see their parents not getting along,

handle things the next time the situation comes up.

and these battles can have long-term effects. Understand also that every time you argue with your mate over parenting, the focus shifts away from your child. Rather than teaching your

6. Get to know your spouse’s family history.

Perhaps it’s difficult for you to understand your

child how to behave and problem solve, the focus instead

mate’s perspective on child rearing because it’s so

becomes parent against parent. Back one another up in the

different from your own, so you end up feeling

moment, even if you don’t fully agree. Later, when things are calm, (and you’re out of earshot of your child), you can

critical of his way of thinking. I recommend that you get to know his family history and how deeply

discuss better ways of handling the situation with your

those beliefs are rooted. It may help you to see

spouse, and then present a unified front.

things more objectively and less personally, and you will then be able to respond with less

3. Who feels most strongly about the issue at hand? If you

judgment. Try to help each other see that safety

and your spouse really are on different pages on something

issues, environmental concerns, and cultural norms

and neither person can get to the other side of the issue, then

change over time. What might have worked back

the parent who feels more passionately about it might make

when your spouse was a kid might not make sense

the call. Let’s say, for example, that you’re okay with your

12-year-old going to a sleep over at a good friend’s house, but your spouse is still fearful of allowing your child to have that kind of independence. You might say, “I feel so strongly

about this. I’d really like you to support me on this, even if you don’t see it the same way.” Or, “Can I ask you to go

along with me on this one, even if you don’t agree?” Or, “I

can’t say for certain that this is the best decision, but my gut is

now. Or what worked in his family back then might be different than what will work in your family right now. Anxiety about change and differences can often cause parents with the best of intentions to stick to what’s familiar and

comfortable, rather than think of what’s best for the present situation.

telling me to give it a try. Can you support me on this?”

7. When parents fight, kids are off the hook.

4. Talk about parenting decisions when you are calm. When

the same page to manipulate you. They might even

calmly listening to one another’s perspective without being

critical, you’ll have a better shot at influencing your spouse’s decision. Remember, there is no such thing as “One Truth”

thinking. There are many ways to think about things, not just

Sometimes kids will use the fact that you’re not on set you up to fight with each other to get off the hook. Let’s say your husband is very strict with

your son about schoolwork, but you feel that he’s putting too much pressure on your child.

your way. When you can be respectful of that truth and make room for another person’s thoughts that are different than

your own, you’ll have a chance of keeping your mate open to your ways of thinking, too. Otherwise, your attitude will

Working together as a team

contribute to making their wall go up. The two of you then become polarized over the issue when that’s not always what the fight is really about.

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Here’s a scenario: When it’s time to do his homework, your son says he “stinks at math” and complains about his teacher. Your husband yells at

defending or blaming

—and instead hear where

they’re coming from, a lot of times you’ll be able

“What can “I hear you. Now I understand why this is so important to you. I don’t feel as strongly, but I’ll support your decision.”

Most importantly, you will both know you’ve been

him and says that he needs to bring up his math grade. Instead of

to find common ground. You can say,

answering, your child looks at you for help. As if on cue, you

we do to negotiate on this?” Or,

—he’s doing fine.” Your

jump in and say, “Get off his back

husband replies, “If he was doing fine he would have gotten a

better score.” Now the fight is ramping up. You respond with,

“You’re too strict–that’s why he’s like this, because you’re too hard on him.” Meanwhile, your child keeps watching TV and doesn’t do the homework he was supposed to do. In this situation, the focus goes to the wrong place. When kids provoke these arguments, they’re not getting the discipline they need and they’re

heard.

10. Is it time for professional help? If you feel like you’ve tried everything and you’re still not able to get on the same page with your mate, you may

not being held accountable. In addition, the tension caused by the

need some personal help in the form of a therapist.

fighting is going to increase the tension in your house, which

A good therapist will help you find ways to talk

often causes your child to act out (or “act in”) more. Their

behavior won’t change if you’re more focused on fighting each

with each other rather than fight about every parenting issue that comes up and find out if there

“stuck.”

other than holding your kids accountable for their behavior.

are other things getting you

8. Take a time-out. Rather than getting into a battle of who’s right

Believe it or not, natural differences between

and who’s wrong, focus on working on a plan. Take a time-out if

spouses can be treated as strengths, not as causes

you need one. Try taking a walk, go do something else, or take a

for arguments. Differences can help us expand our

drive. When you come back later, set up a time to talk. You can

own perspective and understand one another better.

say, “Let’s each spend a few minutes talking about this. I’m just going to listen to you and I’m not going to say a word. I’m not going to interrupt you. Just let me hear why this one is so important to you because you don’t usually hold onto things so strongly.”

The bottom line is that we all have different ways of communicating and different belief systems

—and that’s fine. No two people are going to come together with the exact same opinions and values 100 percent of the time. The important thing is to find a way to come together so your kid is not

9. How to listen. It helps couples to give each other a few minutes

pulled into the middle of your differences.

and just talk about why a certain issue is important. Everyone has their own wishes, their own yearnings, their own traditions, their own visions of the future. If we can spend a few minutes just hearing the other person without our anxiety getting stirred up

—and without trying to talk our mate into our way of doing things,

About Debbie Pincus, MS LMHC For more than 25 years, Debbie has offered compassionate and effective therapy and coaching, helping individuals, couples and parents to heal themselves and their relationships. Debbie is the creator of the Calm Parent AM & PM program and is also the author of numerous books for young people on interpersonal relations.

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