BERMUDA PARENT Monthly E-zine
Helping Your Child Change Self-Perception
10 WAYS TO PARENT AS A TEAM! February 2016
5 WAYS TO NUTURE YOUR CHILD'S EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE
CONTENTS 5 WAYS TO NUTURE YOUR CHILD'S EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE
HELPING YOUR CHILD
PAST BPM KIDS
CHANGE SELF-PERCEPTION
WHEN PARENTS DISAGREE: 10 WAYS TO PARENT AS A TEAM
STREAMLINE YOUR DESIGN PROCESS
STELLA YOUNG: LIFE OF A PAINTER
Learn to work better with tips from top creative professionals p40 /
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A day in the life of Stella Young, and how she stays creative p38 /
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Bermuda Parent EDITOR'S QUOTE
Katrina Ball EDITOR-IN-CHIEF
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5 Ways to Nuture Your Child's Emotional Intelligence By Age of Montessori
People with high emotional intelligence tend to be more successful in all areas of their lives . So what can you do to help nurture your child ’ s EQ ?
By now, you’ve likely heard the term Emotional Intelligence or EQ. Emotional Intelligence has been linked with everything from confidence to capability, initiative to innovation, empathy to optimism, and more. But is EQ really that important? If so, how can parents and teachers help nurture their children’s emotional intelligence?
In brief, EQ is the ability to manage your own emotions and, therefore, your emotionally-driven behaviors. People with high EQs have the self-awareness and confidence to control impulses, reactions, and other behaviors in ways that increase social, academic, relationship, and career success. The way we, as parents and teachers, respond to our children’s emotions (particularly the negative ones) has everything to do with the child’s subsequent EQ level. When we help our children expand emotional awareness, they can better manage their own feelings and impulses. Additionally, they have a better understanding of the behaviors and emotions of the people around them. These are key factors in achieving happiness and all-around success in life. So, what can you do to help nurture your child’s EQ?
#1 KEEP A LID ON IT!
#2 EMBRACE THE DRAMA!
Okay Mums and Dads, this is the part where we have to keep ourselves in check. This, of course, is easier said than done. Parents these days are often trying to juggle way too many “hats.” It isn’t easy to keep your own
…even when exhausted
temper from ever boiling over
or sick or stressed or otherwise stretched beyond your limits. (Trust me, I’ve been there, and I’m not trying to lay on the guilt or suggest a holier-than-thou attitude. You can read my confessions of a poor-parenting moment here.) No, we can’t expect to be perfect. But we can use some tried-and-true coping techniques to help get us through those especially frustrating parental moments. The next time you’re tempted to blow your
–
–
top stop, breathe, count to ten, and remember as parents, it’s our job to teach kids to control their emotions. We must constantly strive to manage this feat ourselves. And if you fall off the horse, don’t waste time kicking yourself about it, use your time and energy to
–
There is a certain member of my family I won’t name
–
names here, heehee who is quick to label negative emotional responses as “dramatic.” Parents and teachers should resist the temptation to dismiss our children’s emotions just because they seem trivial to us. All emotions are valid. And all emotional experiences are real. Instead of judging your children’s emotions, strive to help them understand what they are feeling and why. If we cannot recognize and acknowledge emotions (our children’s and our own,) how can we reasonably expect to master them? Make it a habit to recognize and name emotions as they arise (or in some cases, when things have calmed down.) Try not to think of the emotions as negative or positive, and allow children to talk about their feelings openly. Managing emotion and emotional reactions, starts with accepting
–
that all emotions are real whether we like them or not.
get right back on.
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#3 BE FIRM, BE KIND Acknowledging the emotion behind your child’s
#5 DEVELOP HEALTHY HABITS
emotional outbursts does not mean giving in to
Of course, the ultimate goal with emotional
them. Remember, children in the midst of a
intelligence is to teach children to regulate
meltdown feel out of control, maybe even
their own emotions. To do this successfully,
frightened, by the strength of their own emotions.
they must have the right habits. Here are a
They are looking to you, the parent, to make
few basic emotional-management habits, but
them feel safe and back in control. You can do
you must determine for yourself what works
this by staying calm and sticking to your rules
best for you and your family.
and boundaries. I understand, in a tearful moment of meltdown, it may seem like giving in is the
•When depleted, choose a go-to place. For
kinder thing to do. This is when you remind
some, the best way to cope is to spend some
yourself that a firm hug feels much more safe and
time in your chosen ‘go-to’ spot (for my
secure than a loose grip.
husband, the garage seems to work well). Sometimes, all it takes is a little time in your personal recharging station to get coping skills back on track. •Accentuate the positive. By this, I’m not suggesting that you live in denial of allthings-negative, I simply mean to focus on the good stuff, and think about ways that negative situations might be improved. •Be okay with mess-ups. Learn from mistakes, and then let them go. We all make mistakes, but dwelling on past failures can be crippling. Learn from the past, but keep moving toward the future. •Evolve. Be open to new ideas, grow, change your mind, and learn from those around you
#4 LOOK BENEATH THE SURFACE Another funny thing about emotions, is that they aren’t always as they seem. Perhaps your child is having a tantrum about dinner, but what’s really eating him has nothing to do with food.
whom you admire. •Get physical. What is a great way to blow off steam, reduce stress, increase endurance, and rid yourself of pent-up tension? I’m talking about exercise, of course. Find something physical you can enjoy doing with your children. That way, you can nurture your children’s emotional intelligence,
Children experience just as many complex emotions as adults; but we adults can’t always see what’s
physical health, and fun-o-meter, all at once!
happening beneath the surface. The next time your child is melting down, remind yourself that there may be multiple factors leading to this moment. Just remembering that there is likely more going on than meets the eye, can help us find patience and
–
compassion even in the most trying of times.
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Helping My Child change Self-Perception Labels. We all are labeled by the roles we play or how others perceive us. On the day we are born, the labeling begins. “He looks just like his daddy. She’s an angel. He’s a handful. She’s fussy. He’s scatterbrained. She has no patience. He’s greedy.”
By Maren Stark Schmidt
Names and adjectives are used to describe children
•The humorous child or class clown may
and tend to reinforce roles that become difficult for
never learn how to express painful feelings
our children to get out of.
or ask for emotional support.
Joey, whose mother tells him almost everyday that
•The popular child may not develop the
he’d lose his head if it weren’t attached, sees
backbone to take an opposing view or stand
himself as forgetful. The ten or twenty responsible
up for his or her rights.
and attentive actions Joey performs each day are never mentioned. Joey’s mother makes forgetting
Take a few minutes and think if there is a
to take out the garbage into a national incident.
role into which your child may have been
Joey sees himself as an
“air-brain” and the self-
fulfilling prophecy begins.
cast, either at home or school, by friends or relatives. 1.What are those roles?
.How we view our children can influence the way
2.What are the positive aspects of the role?
they see themselves and can affect their behavior.
3.How would you like your child to think of him or herself?
Mysteriously, whether we are seen in a positive or negative light, we can be cast in a lifetime role that
(For example capable, responsible,
may be very difficult to change.
persistent, courageous, abilities to work with others, etc.)
•The good big brother may never be able to express anger or set personal limits on others’ requirements
The challenge is to find situations where
from him.
your child can begin to see him or herself possessing these qualities.
•The temperamental little sister may always get her way by pouting, even when she’s 45 years old.
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…how do you
Some of the labels our children may be combating
I’m sure you’ll remember next week.”
follow:
think that would affect Joey’s air-brained selfperception?.
Stubborn
Bossy
Picky
Finicky
Sarah was an even-tempered ten-year-old. Three of her
Bully
Pushover
friends did not show up for her birthday party, but
Mouthy
Forgetful
Sarah seemed to take it all in stride and had a good
Clumsy
Hyperactive
time. After the party, instead of her usual compliment
Messy
Nuisance
to Sarah of “You handled that situation so maturely,”
Pest
Slow
Sarah’s mom decided to help Sarah see herself
Stupid
Destructive
differently.
Whiny
Undependable
Greedy
Cry-baby
“You must have been really upset that your friends didn’t show up or call. It must have taken a lot of self-
Disorganized
Disrespectful
control to keep smiling and make sure that your party
Likable
Athletic
was fun for everyone.”
Smart
Straight-A student
Happy
Helpful
“Yeah, it really hurt that they didn’t call. I think they are the rudest friends a girl could have,” Sarah said through her sobs.
We need to look at opportunities for our children to see
Sarah’s mom helped Sarah step out of the role of
themselves differently.
“mature” to be able to express anger, disappointment and frustration, along with the fear of losing friends.
For our children who are forgetful, we need to remind
Sarah learned that it was okay to act like she was ten-
them of the times they do remember things. If Joey’s
years-old, and Mom would still love her.
mother had approached Joey’s missed chores with a comment like this: “Joey, you are usually so
Don’t underestimate the power of your words on a
responsible and remember to do your chores. The
child’s life.
garbage didn’t get taken out to the curb this morning.
Kids Talk
TM
is a column dealing with childhood development issues written by Maren Stark Schmidt. Ms. Schmidt founded a Montessori school and
holds a Masters of Education from Loyola College in Maryland. She has over twenty-five years experience working with children and holds teaching credentials from the Association Montessori Internationale. Contact her at maren@mareschmidt.com. Visit MarenSchmidt.com
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BY DEBBIE PINCUS, MS LMHC
When Parents Disagree: 10 Ways to Parent as a Team Rather than teaching your child how to behave and problem solve, the focus instead becomes parent against parent. Most couples have experienced this situation at one
—you think you should discipline your
Here’s the truth: Children can sense when their parents
time or another
aren’t in sync in their decisions around discipline.
child a certain way, and your spouse wants to handle it
Your child will feel the lack of unity between you,
differently. You each become entrenched in your
which can create a feeling of instability for him. This
position, and that’s when the fighting starts.
will also give kids an opening; they will sometimes use it to provoke a fight. This gets your child off the hook
At some point, most couples will argue over how to
and turns parent against parent.
discipline their children. After all, you and your spouse are different people who will naturally
Disagreements between parents can cause minor flare-
approach parenting differently at times
ups or a serious all-out war in your household.
—or maybe
more often than you’d like. Understand that some
disagreement is to be expected. Marriages, after all,
Following these 10 simple guidelines can help you to avoid battles when it comes to raising your children.
are unions between people from different family backgrounds and beliefs, which can easily lead to parental tensions. Let’s stop here for a minute and make an important distinction between having different beliefs and communication styles versus not being able to agree on what decisions to make regarding your children. Since we are not the same people, we will each have our own style of relating to our kids. You might be very talkative and like to chat while your spouse might be quieter and more reserved around your child. Both styles are okay. It’s the differences around parental decisions regarding a child that can be problematic. For example, let’s say you believe your child should be punished harshly for lying while your spouse feels that lying isn’t a big deal. As a result, you react
differently and aren’t on the same page when it comes to consequences.
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1. Provide back-up. Make it a rule that if one parent
5. Empathize with your child, but don’t throw your
disciplines the kids, the other parent must back them up, even
spouse under the bus. If your spouse feels more
if they do not agree. If you don’t do this, it will show your
strongly about something and you’ve decided to go
child that his parents are not a unified team and undermine
along with their decision, you can say to your
your authority. Your child will see that he can get around any
child,
parenting decision you make. (Note: this does not apply to
let you go on a sleepover. I see it bothers you
parents who neglect or abuse their children. If you feel that
because you feel you are ready for this
something your spouse is doing is detrimental to your
independence.” You’re empathizing with your
children in some physical or emotional way, then you need to put your foot down and say, “I can’t go along with this.” Then take the necessary steps to make sure your child is safe.)
“I know it’s hard for you when Mom won’t
child’s feelings, but not breaking the unified
stance. When you show empathy, your child also feels he’s understood and not so alone. Your child still must go along with the decision you’ve made
2. Arrive in the same place. Find a way to arrive in the same
with your mate. Again, later, Dad can discuss with
place on how to proceed with your child. Be aware that your
Mom his differing views and perhaps they can
fights over how to raise your children are disturbing to your
come to a different decision together on how to
kids. Children don’t like to see their parents not getting along,
handle things the next time the situation comes up.
and these battles can have long-term effects. Understand also that every time you argue with your mate over parenting, the focus shifts away from your child. Rather than teaching your
6. Get to know your spouse’s family history.
Perhaps it’s difficult for you to understand your
child how to behave and problem solve, the focus instead
mate’s perspective on child rearing because it’s so
becomes parent against parent. Back one another up in the
different from your own, so you end up feeling
moment, even if you don’t fully agree. Later, when things are calm, (and you’re out of earshot of your child), you can
critical of his way of thinking. I recommend that you get to know his family history and how deeply
discuss better ways of handling the situation with your
those beliefs are rooted. It may help you to see
spouse, and then present a unified front.
things more objectively and less personally, and you will then be able to respond with less
3. Who feels most strongly about the issue at hand? If you
judgment. Try to help each other see that safety
and your spouse really are on different pages on something
issues, environmental concerns, and cultural norms
and neither person can get to the other side of the issue, then
change over time. What might have worked back
the parent who feels more passionately about it might make
when your spouse was a kid might not make sense
the call. Let’s say, for example, that you’re okay with your
12-year-old going to a sleep over at a good friend’s house, but your spouse is still fearful of allowing your child to have that kind of independence. You might say, “I feel so strongly
about this. I’d really like you to support me on this, even if you don’t see it the same way.” Or, “Can I ask you to go
along with me on this one, even if you don’t agree?” Or, “I
can’t say for certain that this is the best decision, but my gut is
now. Or what worked in his family back then might be different than what will work in your family right now. Anxiety about change and differences can often cause parents with the best of intentions to stick to what’s familiar and
comfortable, rather than think of what’s best for the present situation.
telling me to give it a try. Can you support me on this?”
7. When parents fight, kids are off the hook.
4. Talk about parenting decisions when you are calm. When
the same page to manipulate you. They might even
calmly listening to one another’s perspective without being
critical, you’ll have a better shot at influencing your spouse’s decision. Remember, there is no such thing as “One Truth”
thinking. There are many ways to think about things, not just
Sometimes kids will use the fact that you’re not on set you up to fight with each other to get off the hook. Let’s say your husband is very strict with
your son about schoolwork, but you feel that he’s putting too much pressure on your child.
your way. When you can be respectful of that truth and make room for another person’s thoughts that are different than
your own, you’ll have a chance of keeping your mate open to your ways of thinking, too. Otherwise, your attitude will
Working together as a team
contribute to making their wall go up. The two of you then become polarized over the issue when that’s not always what the fight is really about.
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Here’s a scenario: When it’s time to do his homework, your son says he “stinks at math” and complains about his teacher. Your husband yells at
defending or blaming
—and instead hear where
they’re coming from, a lot of times you’ll be able
“What can “I hear you. Now I understand why this is so important to you. I don’t feel as strongly, but I’ll support your decision.” Most importantly, you will both know you’ve been
him and says that he needs to bring up his math grade. Instead of
to find common ground. You can say,
answering, your child looks at you for help. As if on cue, you
we do to negotiate on this?” Or,
—he’s doing fine.” Your
jump in and say, “Get off his back
husband replies, “If he was doing fine he would have gotten a
better score.” Now the fight is ramping up. You respond with,
“You’re too strict–that’s why he’s like this, because you’re too hard on him.” Meanwhile, your child keeps watching TV and doesn’t do the homework he was supposed to do. In this situation, the focus goes to the wrong place. When kids provoke these arguments, they’re not getting the discipline they need and they’re
heard. 10. Is it time for professional help? If you feel like you’ve tried everything and you’re still not able to get on the same page with your mate, you may
not being held accountable. In addition, the tension caused by the
need some personal help in the form of a therapist.
fighting is going to increase the tension in your house, which
A good therapist will help you find ways to talk
often causes your child to act out (or “act in”) more. Their
behavior won’t change if you’re more focused on fighting each
with each other rather than fight about every parenting issue that comes up and find out if there
“stuck.”
other than holding your kids accountable for their behavior.
are other things getting you
8. Take a time-out. Rather than getting into a battle of who’s right
Believe it or not, natural differences between
and who’s wrong, focus on working on a plan. Take a time-out if
spouses can be treated as strengths, not as causes
you need one. Try taking a walk, go do something else, or take a
for arguments. Differences can help us expand our
drive. When you come back later, set up a time to talk. You can
own perspective and understand one another better.
say, “Let’s each spend a few minutes talking about this. I’m just going to listen to you and I’m not going to say a word. I’m not going to interrupt you. Just let me hear why this one is so important to you because you don’t usually hold onto things so strongly.”
The bottom line is that we all have different ways of communicating and different belief systems
—and that’s fine. No two people are going to come together with the exact same opinions and values 100 percent of the time. The important thing is to find a way to come together so your kid is not
9. How to listen. It helps couples to give each other a few minutes
pulled into the middle of your differences.
and just talk about why a certain issue is important. Everyone has their own wishes, their own yearnings, their own traditions, their own visions of the future. If we can spend a few minutes just hearing the other person without our anxiety getting stirred up
—and without trying to talk our mate into our way of doing things,
About Debbie Pincus, MS LMHC For more than 25 years, Debbie has offered compassionate and effective therapy and coaching, helping individuals, couples and parents to heal themselves and their relationships. Debbie is the creator of the Calm Parent AM & PM program and is also the author of numerous books for young people on interpersonal relations.
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