BERMUDA PARENT Monthly E-zine
COMBATING MATERIALISM IN OUR CHILDREN
Top 5 Ways to Manage Anger
"HELP! MY CHILD IS THE BULLY" January 2016
CONTENTS TOP 5 WAYS TO MANAGE ANGER
COMBATTING MATERIALISM
PAST BPM KIDS
IN OUR CHILDREN
HELP! MY CHILD IS THE BULLY
STREAMLINE YOUR DESIGN PROCESS
STELLA YOUNG: LIFE OF A PAINTER
Learn to work better with tips from top creative professionals p40 /
JANUARY 2016
A day in the life of Stella Young, and how she stays creative p38 /
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Bermuda Parent EDITIOR'S SOCIAL NUGGET
Katrina Ball EDITOR-IN-CHIEF
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Top 5 Ways to Manage Anger
ZERO TO THREE
By Flora McCormick
Photo from hom://www.babble.com/disney-dads/why-kids-act-out-at-b edtime-and-what-they-really-want-from-you/
Here are 5 key ways to manage your anger during school or home discipline, so your child will manage his too! WALK AWAY 1
Yes. This is often the first, most important step. If your child is frustrating you towards the point of anger, you
TAKE A DEEP BREATH 2
This may seem incredibly simplistic, but it is truly the most powerful tool you carry with you in order to
are likely to say or do something that you really aren’t
respond more calmly in all situations. It is a tool that is
proud of later. A mom once told me her anger lead her
free, and can be used any time and anywhere. Here are
to tell her tantruming 3 year old that she just wouldn’t
some key tips to relaxation breathing that will likely
come to her birthday party this year. And a father of a 6
bring you from a 10 to at least a 7 on the anger scale.
year old once told me he had a tantrum of his own, that
First, begin with the exhale and make it be as long as
included throwing something at the wall. No one goes
possible. People often mix this up. They take a giant
into a parenting moment intending for it to end this way,
inhale first, and this can just cause more pressure on an
but when we keep fighting through a power struggle,
already tense chest. So, take a very long exhale
even though our anger has peaked, very normal people
through your mouth in a style similar to cooling a
are capable of not-so-proud moments. So, be willing to
bowl of soup. Then inhale comfortable (doesn’t have
drop the agenda if you notice your anger is at a 6 or higher, and walk away for just a moment, saying “I need
to be big) and repeat a very slow “cooling soup” kind of exhale. Second, breath in your nose and out your
to take a moment to calm down. I will be back in a
mouth. Finally, Strive to fill and deflate your
minute to address this”. If a child is too small to be left
diaphragm (at your belly) with each breath, keeping
unsupervised, try to mentally walk away by closing your
your shoulders level.
eyes or looking away from the child.
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GROUND YOURSELF 3
Now, I don’t mean the “grounding” that we usually think of when punishing a child. I mean to take some steps to feel firmly planted in this place and time, so you can be more level-headed and less likely to be acting out of your animal brain (which by the way is the real problem when you are angry. You can learn more about this in our Sustainable Parenting Webinar). Grounding is used by professionals from yoga instructors to mental health therapists, in order to increase relaxation. The idea is to focus on the sensations of sight and touch via observation. So, once you have walked away and taken a few calming breaths, begin looking around your environment and name 5-10 items you can see (cup, clock, rug, etc), and then 5-10 items you can feel to the touch (“I can notice my feet against the floor, my watch on my wrist, my hair brushing my face, etc”). This short exercise is a kind of brain trick that gets you out of your
“fight/fight” brain, and into your more logical brain.
ENCOURAGE YOURSELF 4
Stop any negative thoughts that might be running
LET YOUR SHOULDERS DOWN 5
It is common during parental/teacher stress to
through your mind, whether they are statements
shrug your shoulders a bit with tension. To
about yourself or your child. If your internal
release this tension, start by shrugging your
thoughts are repeating “I’m a terrible
shoulders up higher and tighter to your ears and
parent/teacher” or “Why do I have a terrible
child?”, take time to shift this stinkin’ thinkin’
towards encouragement. Say to yourself, “I’m not
perfect and my child isn’t perfect, and that’s okay.
holding them there for 5-10 seconds. Then exhale while you let your shoulders relax, letting them sink as far away from your ears as possible. Take another breath in this relaxed
We are doing the best we can in this moment”. Be
position to notice the release of tension and, if
gentle with yourself
you desire, wiggle your shoulders and let your
– knowing that it’s okay to get –
angry. And be gentle with your child
head rotate and role a bit with your chin against
remembering it is his job to test rules and
your chest. Repeat about 3-5 times depending on
boundaries, to see what happens when he does.
how much tension you are feeling.
Likely by the end of these 5 steps, you will be more level-headed and have your anger under control in order to respond to your child’s behavior in a productive and kind manner.
Flora McCormick is a Professional Counselor and Parenting Coach in Bozeman, Montana (www.sustainableparenting.com). She completed her masters in counseling in 2009 and has taught Positive Discipline parenting workshops for 5 years. Reprint of article from www.ageofmontessori.org
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"HELP! MY CHILD IS THE BULLY" Amanda, a preschool teacher in California, contacted me about a column about
“I do agree,” she wrote, “that bullying is a very serious issue but the people that usually need more support are the mortified parents of the bully.”
bullying.
By Maren Stark Schmidt
Let’s define what is bullying behavior. Bullying can be
This is a challenge that many adults do not step up to, and
physical, verbal or excluding behaviors that include but
the critical link of trust remains broken.
are not limited to hitting, kicking, pushing, choking punching, threatening, teasing, starting rumors, hate
As adults, we need to create an environment for all
speech, and telling other children not to play with others,
children where they can work and play in dignity and
or not be their friend. Bullying is behavior whose intent
safety. One way to do that is to have zero tolerance for
is to inflict harm.
the aggressive behaviors mentioned above. I refer to this as the Paul Newman Rule of Zero. Back in the early 80’s
We also need to separate the child from the behavior. It
Newman recommended that the nuclear arms treaty be
helps us look at the situation differently if we say that the
negotiated so that all powers would have no bombs. It’s
child is exhibiting bullying or aggressive behavior
difficult to monitor if someone has 10 or 10,000 bombs,
instead of saying that the child is a bully. A child’s
Newman reasoned, but maintaining zero is easy to
aggressive behavior at any age indicates that the child
monitor and to correct. With children’s behavior, a little
has lost a critical link of trust to an important adult in his
push, a little hit, or a little teasing can get out of hand.
or her life. This is what we must address.
With zero tolerance we can more easily monitor and change aggressive behavior.
The age of the child is an important factor to consider. Under the age of six, children may use aggressive
What I mean by "zero tolerance" is different than
behavior to get their needs met, but usually these
expelling a child from school for the slightest infraction
children respond positively when they are shown
of the rules.
alternatives to aggressive behavior. Parents of preschoolers with aggressive behavior need to be
Zero tolerance means that we as adults do not turn a blind
coached on how to teach and model cooperative social
eye to events. We step up to the challenge and teach
skills.
effective communication skills.
For the older child of elementary, middle and junior high
If the children in our homes and schools know that
school age, aggressive bullying behavior is much more
aggressive bullying behavior is not acceptable even at the
serious, as the behavior indicates that the child has not
smallest level, we empower all of us to take action and
yet learned basic social behavior, and therefore needs to
not remain silent or look the other way. Children need to
be re-taught basic rudimentary social skills.
know they can ask others for assistance and have the
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responsibility to stop behavior whose intention is to
Help children learn to stop any show of aggression
inflict physical, mental or emotional harm to others.
immediately and learn non-violent ways to react and act.
Unfortunately, having an attitude and policy of zero
Give lessons on appropriate behavior.
tolerance doesn’t mean that aggressive actions won’t
Give children experiences where they feel more
occur. Amazingly, though, if the message is loud and
powerful by choosing how they will behave and
clear that aggressive behavior is not acceptable, half of
treat others.
our work is done.
Help children learn to trust others by being trustworthy ourselves.
One well-known study on bullying, Craig and Pepler’s
Help children form strong relationships with
playground observation research, found that one incident helping adults. of bullying occurred every seven minutes. Adult
Children under the age of six are in a sensitive
intervention occurred in 4% of the incidents, and peer
period for developing social skills. Aggressive
intervention occurred 11% of the time.
behavior needs to be addressed with specific lessons from how to ask someone to play with you,
Children with aggressive behavior learn that their
to how to ask nicely for your toys.
behavior works 85% of the time. You might say we give children with aggressive behavior a B-plus in
For the older child who has passed this critical
deportment when we look the other way. To change this period of learning social skills, changing aggressive we need to:
behavior may require that parents get outside help
Teach all of our children that aggressive bullying
to assist in helping their child learn skills to interact
behavior is not acceptable.
effectively with others.
Show our children how to treat all people regardless of differences with respect and kindness.
A child’s aggressive behavior is a cry for help. Make sure your child get the help he or she needs.
Kids Talk
TM
is a column dealing with childhood development issues written by Maren Stark Schmidt. Ms. Schmidt founded a Montessori school and
holds a Masters of Education from Loyola College in Maryland. She has over twenty-five years experience working with children and holds teaching credentials from the Association Montessori Internationale. Contact her at maren@mareschmidt.com. Visit MarenSchmidt.com
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18
OMBAT RIALISM IN R CHILD
g n i t a b Com r u o n i m s i l a i Mater n e r d l i Ch
BY TIM KASSER PH.D
“inward richness” instead of shallow consumerism and sits on the steering committee of the Campaign for a Commercial-Free Childhood. He provided four tips you can’t put a price As an activist seeking to provide children with lives of
on to combat materialism in children:
1. Think about the values that you are modeling as a
3. When your children do encounter advertisements,
parent. Research shows that when parents hold
critique them. One study showed that when children see
materialist values to be important, their children
advertisements and adults make factual comments (such as
television, talking about and making money, etc.,
“Those commercials are intended to sell.”) or evaluative comments (“That commercial is wrong; it doesn’t look like that.”), children’s desire for the products declines. A game
you are modeling to your child that materialistic
kids are likely to enjoy is to hit mute when a commercial
aims in life are important. The child will then
comes on and make up your own funny dialogue for the
imitate those values.
advertisement message.
2. Reduce the extent to which your child is exposed
4. Encourage healthier values in your children. Research on
to other materialistic models. Consider following
the human value system show that intrinsic values for
the guidelines of the American Academy of
personal growth (such as following your own interests and
Pediatrics: No screen time at all for children
curiosity), affiliation (having good relationships) and
younger than 2, and less than 2 hours per day of
community feeling (trying to make the world a better place)
screen usage for older children.
stand in conflict with materialistic values. By encouraging
take on those values. If you spend your time working long hours, shopping a lot, watching
intrinsic values, materialistic values will decline.
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