Jan 2016 E-Zine

BERMUDA PARENT Monthly E-zine

COMBATING MATERIALISM IN OUR CHILDREN

Top 5 Ways to Manage Anger

"HELP! MY CHILD IS THE BULLY" January 2016

CONTENTS TOP 5 WAYS TO MANAGE ANGER

COMBATTING MATERIALISM

PAST BPM KIDS

IN OUR CHILDREN

HELP! MY CHILD IS THE BULLY

STREAMLINE YOUR DESIGN PROCESS

STELLA YOUNG: LIFE OF A PAINTER

Learn to work better with tips from top creative professionals p40 /

JANUARY 2016

A day in the life of Stella Young, and how she stays creative p38 /

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Bermuda Parent EDITIOR'S SOCIAL NUGGET

Katrina Ball EDITOR-IN-CHIEF

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Top 5 Ways to Manage Anger

ZERO TO THREE

By Flora McCormick

Photo from hom://www.babble.com/disney-dads/why-kids-act-out-at-b edtime-and-what-they-really-want-from-you/

Here are 5 key ways to manage your anger during school or home discipline, so your child will manage his too!

WALK AWAY 1

Yes. This is often the first, most important step. If your child is frustrating you towards the point of anger, you

TAKE A DEEP BREATH 2

This may seem incredibly simplistic, but it is truly the most powerful tool you carry with you in order to

are likely to say or do something that you really aren’t

respond more calmly in all situations. It is a tool that is

proud of later. A mom once told me her anger lead her

free, and can be used any time and anywhere. Here are

to tell her tantruming 3 year old that she just wouldn’t

some key tips to relaxation breathing that will likely

come to her birthday party this year. And a father of a 6

bring you from a 10 to at least a 7 on the anger scale.

year old once told me he had a tantrum of his own, that

First, begin with the exhale and make it be as long as

included throwing something at the wall. No one goes

possible. People often mix this up. They take a giant

into a parenting moment intending for it to end this way,

inhale first, and this can just cause more pressure on an

but when we keep fighting through a power struggle,

already tense chest. So, take a very long exhale

even though our anger has peaked, very normal people

through your mouth in a style similar to cooling a

are capable of not-so-proud moments. So, be willing to

bowl of soup. Then inhale comfortable (doesn’t have

drop the agenda if you notice your anger is at a 6 or higher, and walk away for just a moment, saying “I need

to be big) and repeat a very slow “cooling soup” kind of exhale. Second, breath in your nose and out your

to take a moment to calm down. I will be back in a

mouth. Finally, Strive to fill and deflate your

minute to address this”. If a child is too small to be left

diaphragm (at your belly) with each breath, keeping

unsupervised, try to mentally walk away by closing your

your shoulders level.

eyes or looking away from the child.

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GROUND YOURSELF 3

Now, I don’t mean the “grounding” that we usually think of when punishing a child. I mean to take some steps to feel firmly planted in this place and time, so you can be more level-headed and less likely to be acting out of your animal brain (which by the way is the real problem when you are angry. You can learn more about this in our Sustainable Parenting Webinar). Grounding is used by professionals from yoga instructors to mental health therapists, in order to increase relaxation. The idea is to focus on the sensations of sight and touch via observation. So, once you have walked away and taken a few calming breaths, begin looking around your environment and name 5-10 items you can see (cup, clock, rug, etc), and then 5-10 items you can feel to the touch (“I can notice my feet against the floor, my watch on my wrist, my hair brushing my face, etc”). This short exercise is a kind of brain trick that gets you out of your

“fight/fight” brain, and into your more logical brain.

ENCOURAGE YOURSELF 4

Stop any negative thoughts that might be running

LET YOUR SHOULDERS DOWN 5

It is common during parental/teacher stress to

through your mind, whether they are statements

shrug your shoulders a bit with tension. To

about yourself or your child. If your internal

release this tension, start by shrugging your

thoughts are repeating “I’m a terrible

shoulders up higher and tighter to your ears and

parent/teacher” or “Why do I have a terrible

child?”, take time to shift this stinkin’ thinkin’

towards encouragement. Say to yourself, “I’m not

perfect and my child isn’t perfect, and that’s okay.

holding them there for 5-10 seconds. Then exhale while you let your shoulders relax, letting them sink as far away from your ears as possible. Take another breath in this relaxed

We are doing the best we can in this moment”. Be

position to notice the release of tension and, if

gentle with yourself

you desire, wiggle your shoulders and let your

– knowing that it’s okay to get –

angry. And be gentle with your child

head rotate and role a bit with your chin against

remembering it is his job to test rules and

your chest. Repeat about 3-5 times depending on

boundaries, to see what happens when he does.

how much tension you are feeling.

Likely by the end of these 5 steps, you will be more level-headed and have your anger under control in order to respond to your child’s behavior in a productive and kind manner.

Flora McCormick is a Professional Counselor and Parenting Coach in Bozeman, Montana (www.sustainableparenting.com). She completed her masters in counseling in 2009 and has taught Positive Discipline parenting workshops for 5 years.

Reprint of article from www.ageofmontessori.org

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"HELP! MY CHILD IS THE BULLY" Amanda, a preschool teacher in California, contacted me about a column about

“I do agree,” she wrote, “that bullying is a very serious issue but the people that usually need more support are the mortified parents of the bully.”

bullying.

By Maren Stark Schmidt

Let’s define what is bullying behavior. Bullying can be

This is a challenge that many adults do not step up to, and

physical, verbal or excluding behaviors that include but

the critical link of trust remains broken.

are not limited to hitting, kicking, pushing, choking punching, threatening, teasing, starting rumors, hate

As adults, we need to create an environment for all

speech, and telling other children not to play with others,

children where they can work and play in dignity and

or not be their friend. Bullying is behavior whose intent

safety. One way to do that is to have zero tolerance for

is to inflict harm.

the aggressive behaviors mentioned above. I refer to this as the Paul Newman Rule of Zero. Back in the early 80’s

We also need to separate the child from the behavior. It

Newman recommended that the nuclear arms treaty be

helps us look at the situation differently if we say that the

negotiated so that all powers would have no bombs. It’s

child is exhibiting bullying or aggressive behavior

difficult to monitor if someone has 10 or 10,000 bombs,

instead of saying that the child is a bully. A child’s

Newman reasoned, but maintaining zero is easy to

aggressive behavior at any age indicates that the child

monitor and to correct. With children’s behavior, a little

has lost a critical link of trust to an important adult in his

push, a little hit, or a little teasing can get out of hand.

or her life. This is what we must address.

With zero tolerance we can more easily monitor and change aggressive behavior.

The age of the child is an important factor to consider.

Under the age of six, children may use aggressive

What I mean by "zero tolerance" is different than

behavior to get their needs met, but usually these

expelling a child from school for the slightest infraction

children respond positively when they are shown

of the rules.

alternatives to aggressive behavior. Parents of preschoolers with aggressive behavior need to be

Zero tolerance means that we as adults do not turn a blind

coached on how to teach and model cooperative social

eye to events. We step up to the challenge and teach

skills.

effective communication skills.

For the older child of elementary, middle and junior high

If the children in our homes and schools know that

school age, aggressive bullying behavior is much more

aggressive bullying behavior is not acceptable even at the

serious, as the behavior indicates that the child has not

smallest level, we empower all of us to take action and

yet learned basic social behavior, and therefore needs to

not remain silent or look the other way. Children need to

be re-taught basic rudimentary social skills.

know they can ask others for assistance and have the

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responsibility to stop behavior whose intention is to

Help children learn to stop any show of aggression

inflict physical, mental or emotional harm to others.

immediately and learn non-violent ways to react and act.

Unfortunately, having an attitude and policy of zero

Give lessons on appropriate behavior.

tolerance doesn’t mean that aggressive actions won’t

Give children experiences where they feel more

occur. Amazingly, though, if the message is loud and

powerful by choosing how they will behave and

clear that aggressive behavior is not acceptable, half of

treat others.

our work is done.

Help children learn to trust others by being trustworthy ourselves.

One well-known study on bullying, Craig and Pepler’s

Help children form strong relationships with

playground observation research, found that one incident helping adults. of bullying occurred every seven minutes. Adult

Children under the age of six are in a sensitive

intervention occurred in 4% of the incidents, and peer

period for developing social skills. Aggressive

intervention occurred 11% of the time.

behavior needs to be addressed with specific lessons from how to ask someone to play with you,

Children with aggressive behavior learn that their

to how to ask nicely for your toys.

behavior works 85% of the time. You might say we give children with aggressive behavior a B-plus in

For the older child who has passed this critical

deportment when we look the other way. To change this period of learning social skills, changing aggressive we need to:

behavior may require that parents get outside help

Teach all of our children that aggressive bullying

to assist in helping their child learn skills to interact

behavior is not acceptable.

effectively with others.

Show our children how to treat all people regardless of differences with respect and kindness.

A child’s aggressive behavior is a cry for help.

Make sure your child get the help he or she needs.

Kids Talk

TM

is a column dealing with childhood development issues written by Maren Stark Schmidt. Ms. Schmidt founded a Montessori school and

holds a Masters of Education from Loyola College in Maryland. She has over twenty-five years experience working with children and holds teaching credentials from the Association Montessori Internationale. Contact her at maren@mareschmidt.com. Visit MarenSchmidt.com

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18

OMBAT RIALISM IN R CHILD

g n i t a b Com r u o n i m s i l a i Mater n e r d l i Ch

BY TIM KASSER PH.D

“inward richness” instead of shallow consumerism and sits on the steering committee of the Campaign for a Commercial-Free Childhood. He provided four tips you can’t put a price As an activist seeking to provide children with lives of

on to combat materialism in children:

1. Think about the values that you are modeling as a

3. When your children do encounter advertisements,

parent. Research shows that when parents hold

critique them. One study showed that when children see

materialist values to be important, their children

advertisements and adults make factual comments (such as

television, talking about and making money, etc.,

“Those commercials are intended to sell.”) or evaluative comments (“That commercial is wrong; it doesn’t look like that.”), children’s desire for the products declines. A game

you are modeling to your child that materialistic

kids are likely to enjoy is to hit mute when a commercial

aims in life are important. The child will then

comes on and make up your own funny dialogue for the

imitate those values.

advertisement message.

2. Reduce the extent to which your child is exposed

4. Encourage healthier values in your children. Research on

to other materialistic models. Consider following

the human value system show that intrinsic values for

the guidelines of the American Academy of

personal growth (such as following your own interests and

Pediatrics: No screen time at all for children

curiosity), affiliation (having good relationships) and

younger than 2, and less than 2 hours per day of

community feeling (trying to make the world a better place)

screen usage for older children.

stand in conflict with materialistic values. By encouraging

take on those values. If you spend your time working long hours, shopping a lot, watching

intrinsic values, materialistic values will decline.

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