SPRING 2014 FREE
Politicians Discuss Sexual Abuse p 44 Bermudians Tell their Story of Abuse p 36
What Parents are Talking About
Myths of Sexual Abuse Dispelled p 35 Identifying and Reporting Sexual Abuse p 47
On average, 2/3rd’s of the reported sex offenses are committed upon children under the age of 18. Speak Up For Those Who Can’t! bermudaparent.bm
Contents SPECIAL SECTION
Child Sexual Abuse
Features 33
A Monster in the Shadows
35
7
Taking Education to Another Level
Pregnancy
11
Prenatal Brain Development
Baby Little Ones Big Kids Tweens & Teens Health & Wellness
25 Balanced Meal for Families 28 Building a Fit Family
In Every Issue 8
6
Birthdays
Bermuda Parent Families
30
22
BPM Kids
BPM TWEENS & TEENS
Myths of Sexual Abuse Dispelled
36
Testimonials of Bermudian Child Sexual Abuse Survivors
43
Empower Your Kids to Speak Up
44
Politicians Discuss Child Sexual Abuse
47
Identifying Abuse
49
Reporting Child Sexual Abuse
editor’s note Sexual Crimes Against Children Won’t Stop Unless We Start Speaking Up!
Publisher & Editor
4
What Parents are Talking About
Photo by Jessii Terra
C
hild Sexual Abuse is prevalent worldwide and we in Bermuda, are not immune. The impact of this crime hits the very core of its victim with lifelong effects. These effects do not just stay with the victim for life but is felt by those who have intimate relationships with them. The signs of abuse are displayed via various changes in attitude and or behaviors throughout their lifetime. It is only with counselling are they able to begin to free themselves. On our shores, Child Sexual Abuse has remained taboo and elusive, no one appearing to want to disrupt or ‘destroy’ the life of the perpetrators. This may be because they have a good standing in our community or those who could report the abuse may be fearful. They may even think because the victim is only ‘a child’, it will not affect them. This is not the case, read the testimonials of Bermudians who speak about their abuse on page 36. Think about all the victims who do not have the courage to tell their story. In Bermuda, we need to begin to speak up, start talking about this subject and protect our children. Only 10% of victims are abused by a stranger, that means that the people closest to us family and friends are 90% of the perpetrators. Are you willing to stand up and speak out? Are you willing to protect the innocence of a child? As a survivor of Child Sexual Abuse, I dedicate this issue to all who have been abused, are being abused and will be abused. As right thinking adults and care providers of children it is time to speak out, listen closely to our children, and expect more protective measures to be put in place. The Hon Minister Mark Pettingill states on page 45 that the government is working on a sex offender’s registry. As a parent, I want to see it completed. As a parent, I want to be trained on how to become aware of the signs and behaviors of abuse. I want any establishment that works with children to be fully trained to protect not just my children but ‘our children’. Don’t let this magazine issue be the last time you think and talk about Child Sexual Abuse, be a part of the change. Take a stand. Sign our online petition - Speak Up for Those Who Can’t - sign at www.bermudaparent.bm
PUBLISHER & EDITOR
Katrina Ball Busin ess Co nsulta n t
Vic Ball Adv ertisin g S ales
Wanda Brown wanda0211@logic.bm 333-1925 desig n & production
Picante Creative W riters & Co n tributors
Mikaela Ian Pearman, Alicia Resnik, Brenda Dale of The Argus Group, Joanne Ball-Burgess, BSMART Foundation, Monroe Darrell Jr. Con tributin g Photog r apher S
Taja Nicole Photography, J. Renae Photography, Lana Bull Bermuda Parent Magazine is published five times a year. Reader correspondence, photo submissions and editorial submissions are welcome. We reserve the right to edit, reject or comment editorially on all material contributed. No portion of this magazine may be reproduced without express written consent of the publisher. The opinions expressed by contributors or writers do not necessarily reflect the opinions of this magazine. Distribution of this product does not constitute an endorsement of the products or services herein. Co n tact Us
info@bermudaparent.bm Tel: 504-2937 www.bermudaparent.bm facebook.com/bdaparentmag
Discover How Can Transform Your Child We DELIVER an internationally-recognized, world-class curriculum with small class sizes. We ENGAGE students with an individualized and student-centered curriculum. We INCORPORATE the latest technology with core courses and programs. We CULTIVATE parents as partners in education. We ENCOURAGE a well-rounded learner. Email: admissions@msa.bm
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Do you have a April to June birthday baby?
birthday wishes!
Email us at: photos@bermudaparent.bm with a photo and details.
CELEBRATE YOUR CHILD’S BIRTHDAY!
Ethan & Liam Figureido May 13, April 24
A very Happy Birthday Ethan and Liam. Love Mom! Elise Robbie
Happy 1st Birthday! You bring so much joy into our lives! With love, Mom and Dad
April 1
April 12
Happy 5th Birthday Karis! With love from Mommy, family & friends!
Happy 11th Birthday! From your entire family. We love you!
Caius Durham
Quaelhun Cameron
March 1
May 6
Nile Ara Armstrong
W’niy Aric Christopher
March 23
March 26
Roman Sergio Simons
Zahra N’jeri Armstrong
May 31
March 6
Happy 1st Birthday Caius! With Love From Family.
Happy 4th Birthday! Love from Mom, Dad, Sisters & Brother
Happy 4th Birthday! Love from Mom and Dad. “We are so proud of you!”
6
Jayvyn W. A. Iris
Karis Z. Masters-Burgess
March 13
Happy 7th birthday Quaelhun with all my love from Ma.
Happy 3rd Birthday! Love from Mom, Dad, Brother, Sister and the entire family. We love you!
Happy 6th Birthday! Love from Mom, Dad, Sister & Brothers
Taking
Education to Another Level! by Alicia Resnik
T
he Family First Group of Schools – The Chattertots Discovery Zone and The Chatterbox Preschool - is pleased to announce their program has achieved Recognition by the National Association for the Education of Young Children (NAEYC). The NAEYC is the world’s largest organization promoting excellence in early childhood education through accreditation. “This is a monumental achievement for our team. We partnered with and piloted the international process with NAEYC. It took 5 years to accomplish and we’re proud to have demonstrated our commitment to reaching the highest professional standards by achieving NAEYC Recognition,” said Angela L. Fubler, Director of The Chattertots Discovery Zone and The Chatterbox Preschool. “NAEYC Recognition lets families in our community know that we are committed to providing children with the best care and early learning experiences.” The NAEYC was founded in 1926 in Washington D.C by Patty Hill Smith. Their mission was to improve professional practices in early childhood education programs. The Accreditation program began in 1985 with the goal of recognizing high quality early childhood educational practices that include developmentally appropriate curriculum with knowledgeable and well trained staff and educators. Today, over 6,500 programs are NAEYC accredited. The Family First Group of Schools is Bermuda’s first internationally accredited center. To earn this recognition the school went through an extensive self-study process, measuring their program and services against the ten NAEYC Early Childhood Program Standards and their more than 400 related criteria. The school received the recognition after a site visit by NAEYC Assessors who ensured each of their required standards was met. Established in September 2004, The Family First Group of Schools has a reputation for being fun, friendly and familyfocused. The schools’ mission is to provide a high quality, language rich environment where children can play, socialize and com-
municate in a manner that fosters a nurturing and safe learning environment. Recognizing the need for attention to be focused on the developmental needs of children, in September 2010, the school continued on page 31
Truly a Bermudian Tradition for over 70 years. Open Monday-Saturday 6:30 am - 10:00 pm Closed Sundays & Public Holidays www.bermudaparent.bm
7
Bermuda Parent
families
To my wife Makeda Ingemann with our son Daelyn Ingemann. 6years old. You are a great wife and mother, through all the studying and restlessness she maintains being a great mother and wife, and she still finds time to teach our son about Jesus. In appreciation of a great Bermuda Parent. Damien Ingemann
See your family here! Show off your fabulous family!
Send in your photo and name of your family to photos@bermudaparent.bm
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Dr Seuss Classic Books for Children
Books for Pregnancy and Motherhood Assorted Story Books for Children
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9
pregnancy
BY BSMART FOUNDATION
BSMART
Foundation BSMART Bermuda is revolutionizing current educational design, offerings, choice, and implementation methods with our researched-based programs, stateof-the-art facility; brand new neurotechnology department; vision and auditory screenings, therapy, and assessments; audiovisual brain entrainment systems; integrative technology; and developmentally based neurophysiological programming. Our comprehensive programming promotes the maximum development of the whole child through innovative, individualized and comprehensive braincentered programs and services. These specialized services provide the necessary stimulation for optimal brain functioning leading to academic success.
Taja Nicole Photography
Pre Natal Brain Development
pregnancy
When does the fetus’s brain begin to work? Generally speaking, the central nervous system (which is composed of the brain and the spinal cord) matures in a sequence from “tail” to head or as we like to say, “bottom-up”. During the fifth week after conception, the first synapses begin forming in a fetus’s spinal cord. By the sixth week, these early neural connections allow the first fetal movements which can include spontaneous extension and flexion of the whole body. These movements can be detected through ultrasound imaging. Many other movements soon follow--arms and legs (around eight weeks) and fingers (ten weeks), as well as some surprisingly coordinated actions (hiccuping, stretching, yawning, sucking, swallowing, grasping, and thumb-sucking). By the end of the first trimester, a fetus’s movements are many, even though most pregnant women can feel none of it until they are approximately 18 - 20 weeks along. The second trimester is brings about the onset of other crucial and survival reflexes: continuous breathing movements and coordinated sucking and swallowing reflexes. continued on page 31
The human brain begins forming very early in prenatal life (just three weeks after conception), but in many ways, brain development is a lifelong project. That is because the same events that shape the brain during development are also responsible for storing information—new skills and memories— throughout life. The major difference between brain development in a child versus learning an adult is a matter of degree. The brain is far more impressionable (neuroscientists use the term plastic) in early life than in maturity. This plasticity has both a positive and a negative side. On the positive side (+), it means that young children’s brains are more open to learning and enriching influences. On the negative side (-), it also means that young children’s brains are more vulnerable to developmental problems: biological, environmental, or should their environment prove especially impoverished or unnurturing. www.bermudaparent.bm
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from 12 months to adults, offered MAY through OCTOBER, Weekdays & Saturdays! We offer personal water safety, CPR and FIRST AID.
Join us as we take a Stand for youth by raising 5000 pledges of $120 each to ’ safeguard Bermuda s youth 50% of Pledges will go towards school based educational programmes or afterschool activities and 50% towards Mirrors programming.
The Mirrors Alumni & Friends Association will manage all campaign funds.
Charity #947
Butterfield Bank Account Number 0600041690017
Kimberley Jackson, Mirrors Programme Coordinator, will run the 24th of May Marathon to support the Taking a Stand for Youth Campaign.
For more information, please visit the website www.aquamania.bm, or email LESLEY WHITE at aquamania@logic.bm
We host the most memorable
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LANA BULL
baby
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Email: happymoments123@yahoo.com
or call 737-8385 to schedule an interview.
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Parent Resources Do you have a child from age birth to 4?
•
Play-based screenings for 24 – 30 month old children Parent and Children’s Book Library Toy Library
Are you a Home Child Care Provider and would like resources to help you to care for young children?
ALSO AVAILABLE:
Call the Child Development Programme 295-0746 ext. 2221
PArEntIng wOrkShOPS:
• • • • • •
Parent Infant Group Premature Infant Programme 1,2,3,4 Parents! 1,2,3 Magic
Child Care Provider Workshops tOPICS AVAILABLE: • • • • •
Motor Development Developmentally Appropriate Programming Bonding: Early Steps to Attachment Behaviour Management Language Learning
Plus more...
Participation in services is voluntary and resources are free to the public!
little ones
New Beginnings start at The Phoenix Kidz! Mothers and mothers-to-be will find everything they need for their little ones at Phoenix Kidz. This is Bermuda’s number one source of supplies for newborns and young children. Phoenix Kidz carries everything from cribs and furniture, to car seats and strollers, to health and baby care items. We have got you covered!
Located on the 1st Floor of The Phoenix Centre on Reid St. 279-5450 • www.phoenixstores.bm
Give them what they need, want! NOT what they don’t!
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IMPORTANT NOTICE: The World Health Organization recommends exclusive breastfeeding during the first 6 months of life and continued breastfeeding for as long as possible. As babies grow at different paces, health professionals should advise the mother on the appropriate time when her baby should start receiving complementary foods.
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Did you know that Pure Water is tested daily in house. However filtered water is not.
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21
BPM
kids
Got a great picture of your child? Send it and it may appear in our next issue. Send it in by email to photos@bermudaparent.bm
& Kids
EXPO The Botanical Gardens Sunday Oct. 5, 2014
Calling All
Expectant Parents, New Parents, Seasoned Parents, Grandparents and Caregivers
Plan To Be There! www.bermudaparent.bm
Contact us at expo@bermudaparent.bm
BY BRENDA DALE Assistant Vice President and Project Manager, The Argus Group
Health little & Wellness ones
Healthy Meals for Busy Families With work, school and everything in between, we have a lot on our plates. We all know that healthy eating is important, but for busy families, it can be a challenge. How can you ensure your family receives a nutritious meal when everyone is constantly on the run? Plan ahead and get organized The most important step in preparing healthy meals for your busy family is to get organised. Take some time on the weekend to plan meals for the week. Then write up a shopping list, hit the grocery store and stock the fridge and cupboards with everything you need. Getting started on the shopping list can seem overwhelming but there are online resources that can help you begin the process. Parenting Weekly offers a printable list that you can tailor to accommodate your meals for the week. There are also mobile apps that allow you to make a grocery list while on the go. Grocery IQ, Grocery Gadget and Shopping List are all apps that make building a shopping list quick and seamless. This sounds time-consuming, but once you have taken the time to plan the week ahead, there are fewer decisions to make and no frantic runs to the grocery store after a busy day. For menu planning, stick to recipes that are fast and simple with just a few fresh ingredients. Check out the Argus Cookbook at www.argus.bm/wellness for some great ideas. Start a recipe box or binder and have the whole family look for recipes in magazines or online. Once you have a collec-
tion of recipes that you can count on, weekly menu planning will be fast and easy.
Stay away from processed or prepared foods, or make your own Prepared and processed foods are often high in sodium, fat and preservatives and have little nutritional value. Fortunately, if you get into the habit of planning ahead, it is easy to avoid these foods. To make up for the convenience of processed foods, prepare ingredients ahead. Brown a few pounds of ground chicken on the weekend and store in a sealed bag, then just add tomato sauce for pasta or a few spices and a wrap for homemade tacos. Cut up vegetables for a stir fry ahead of time so it is ready to throw in the pan. For Sunday dinner, make a double batch of stew or chili with lean meat and fresh vegetables so you have another meal for later in the week. If you get the whole family to help out, it doesn’t take a lot of time to have most of your weekday meals ready to go ahead of time. www.bermudaparent.bm
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Use healthy alternatives Some easy substitutions can make not-so-healthy favourites easy and more nutritious. Buy whole grain pastas and breads and brown rice instead of white. Replace ground beef with ground chicken or turkey. Serve fish, which is nutritious and fast to prepare, as an alternative to meat at least once a week. Use low fat versions of sour cream, cream cheese and yogurt and replace mayo with yogurt in dips and sandwiches. Instead of buying salad dressings that are high in fat, use flavoured vinegars. Dip vegetables or whole grain crackers in hummus, salsa or guacamole. Instead of reaching for the salt shaker to add flavour to foods, encourage your family to use lemon or lime juice, parsley, garlic and pepper. For the adventurous, a hot pepper sauce like Tabasco adds kick without sodium or fat.
Make it easy to grab healthy food on the go Studies show that families who eat dinner together eat
healthier meals, but with today’s busy schedules it isn’t always possible to sit down at the table every night. If evening activities have your family in the car over dinner time, plan for easy meals to eat on the go. Make a stir fry one night and put leftovers in a wrap. Hard boil a dozen eggs at the beginning of the week, peel a couple to eat with cheese and crackers for a picnic on the road, then later in the week cut up the rest with some yogurt and green onion and roll up in a lettuce leaf. Smoothies are a great on-the-go option and can be made with your family’s favourite ingredients. The Green Smoothie on the Argus website is a kid friendly version with spinach!
Compromise to avoid mealtime battles When time is tight, you want to know that the kids are going to eat the healthy meal you have prepared. Do your kids love pizza? Then serve pita pizza, but skip the pepperoni and include some veggies in the toppings. If they want something sweet, cut up fruit at the beginning of the week to serve with yogurt dip for dessert. And more importantly, involve the kids in meal planning and preparation. If they have a role in making the meal, they are more likely to eat it. Simple planning, preparation and a few time-consuming tips can make it fast and easy for your busy family to eat healthy meals. For more information and for delicious recipes, visit the wellness resources section on the Argus website at www.argus. bm/wellness. Brenda Dale is an Assistant Vice President and Project Manager at the Argus Group, with responsibility for managing the Wellness Programme. She joined the company in 2009 and has 30 years of experience at a senior management level, mostly in the public sector, including 18 months as the Health Promotion Coordinator for the Bermuda Government. Brenda has a Masters of Public Administration as well as several industry certifications. www.argus.bm
What is Well Bermuda? A unifying vision for a healthy Bermuda
Bermuda Parent Magazine on Facebook
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1/30/14 2:16 PM
pregnancy Health & Wellness BY NAME
BY MONROE DARRELL JR.
Building a
fit family
Finding the time to exercise is often difficult for most people. But finding the time to exercise for a busy and growing family can be even more challenging. Here are a few simple solutions to get your family started and into a Family Fit Routine that can benefit all.
Getting Started
Learning how life is and moves gives us great insight as a global family. Continuous improvement takes effort and will forever give us experience. With a busy family schedule, the costs of joining a gym, finances may also present a bit of a challenge to maintain the family control and best exercise routine needed for all. Finding creative, fun-filled, free exercises with your family will create balance in our (pockets) mind, body and increases the power of love.
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Creating A Schedule
A fit family means that everyone has to be on board! Finding and making time is essential and important when it comes to creating a successful exercise routine. Working with one another as a team and sharing responsibilities makes the family more responsible and considerate. To do this, begin with creating a schedule that balances chores, meal planning, exercise and extra-curricular activities. For example; chores give children a sense of ownership, independence and helps to develop discipline. Discipline in exercise is important.
Meal Planning
Eating healthier and lighter is important to the stability and growth of a developing child as well as the longevity of parents. With the current economic climate, it can be challenging but be smart. If your work week is busy, then set time aside on the weekends to devise a meal plan during the week. Take an inventory of foods that are junk, high in sugars and/or how often you eat out and substitute with a healthy snack or home-cooked meal filled with nutritious fruits and vegetables.
Exercises
Safety first! When exercising it is important to ensure that you are not overexerting yourself or putting your bodies through a rigorous regime that will do more harm than help. The more we self-explore our bodies, the more we begin to heal. With children here are a few simple ways to get your body use to exercise. The more fun, the more adventure, the deeper the exercise experience becomes emotionally and physically. This is all healthy and normal. Emotional lessons become a family’s understanding and strongest link. •
Monroe Darrell has worked as a personal trainer at the prestigious Fairmount Southampton. Monroe debuted on the “Biggest Loser Bermuda” TV show as the fitness and health trainer. He has managed the private fitness facility for Chartis Insurance (American International Group) and Allied World Insurance. Monroe went on to achieve personal success placing 1st runner up in the Caribbean Athletic Championship in 2009 and Mr. Fitness Bermuda that same year. Monroe has been engaged by various groups to speak on the topic of health and fitness including The Association of Administrative Professionals, major health insurance companies and has appeared in local TV advertisements promoting fitness. Believing in giving back to the community, Monroe has given health and fitness classes through the Bermuda Community Education programme. Monroe has a keen interest in helping troubled young men to incorporate exercise and health as an important part of a healthy, productive lifestyle. He can be contacted for a free consultation at 331-3000 or mcore.fitness@gmail.com or visit website at www.mcorehealth.com
Stretching is a great way to help parents whose kids
are active. Children will bend, move over easily and the inner child as an adult becomes curious on how we move, twist, run and jump. Allowing kids to create or be a part of the exercise routine creates a family fun experience and most of all it is physical. •
Going for a hike is a great way to find different things and have fun. Using the island’s natural resources such as beaches and railway trails becomes an adventure in itself. It is a great way to discover new things about the island and have fun.
•
Sight-Seeing is another free exercise alternative that
MONROE AD
J.Renea Photography
families can do together. Taking advantage of our natural terrains brings us closer to our community and one another. The healthier families are, the stronger we are as a people and it generates a positive momentum.
Learning is our greatest life’s work, the class of life continues to teach everyday. Creating solutions and making progress as a family is the goal. www.bermudaparent.bm
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BPM tweens and teens
Got a great picture of your tween or teen? Send it and it may appear in our next issue. Send it in by email to photos@bermudaparent.bm
NAEYC Accreditation Continued from page 7
expanded to include The Chattertots Discovery Zone - a center that gives specific attention to the needs of toddler’s language and overall development. The Family First Group of Schools’ goal is to prepare all young children, and their families, for success in education. For further information, email The Director at: chattertots@bercon.bm (18 months to 3 Years) or chatterbox@bercon. bm (3 years to 5 Years). The Family First Group of Schools also includes The Chatmore Preparatory School. Chatmore Prep is all-boys primary school, for students between the ages of 5-14 years. For information on this school, contact chatmoreprep@ bercon.bm. For more information on the National Association for the Education of Young Children (NAEYC) Accreditation Program, visit their website at www.naeyc.com.
KERIN ORAL CARE General Dentistry & Oral Medicine Practice
BSMART
Continued from page 11 These reflexes are controlled by the brainstem, which sits above the spinal cord but below the cerebral cortex. Premature babies show very basic electrical activity in the primary sensory regions of the cerebral cortex. These areas that perceive touch, vision, and hearing-as well as in primary motor regions of the cerebral cortex. For these reasons premature infants sometimes have lingering sensory deficits. In the last trimester, fetuses are capable of simple forms of learning, like habituating (decreasing their startle response/reflex) to a repeated auditory stimulus, such as a loud clap just outside the mother’s abdomen. In spite of these rather sophisticated abilities, babies enter the world with a still-primitive cerebral cortex, and it is the gradual maturation of this complex part of the brain that explains much of their emotional and cognitive maturation in the first few years of life. To find out more information visit BSMART Foundation’s website: www.bsmartfoundation.org
Welcome new patients & emergencies! We care for you & the little ones too! Tel: 236-4477 Mon-Thur 8:30am - 5:00pm Fri: 8:30am - 3:30pm 2 Southcourt Avenue, Paget
www.kerinoralcare.com www.bermudaparent.bm
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SPECIAL SECTION
Child Sexual Abuse “...Children who report sex abuse do so because they want it to stop. Therefore it’s important they are listened to and taken seriously.” —Det. Insp. Mark Clarke (p 47)
There is no statute of limitations on reporting child sexual abuse.
Child Sexual Abuse Taboo No More “Sexual abuse of children is a terrible issue which has “There should be mandatory sexual abuse education and I also think that the Government should take a pro-active role in arming parents and the entire community about sexual abuse.” - p37
been kept too secret too long. Many countries in the world are only just becoming aware of how widespread it has been, and how damaging. Bermuda is clearly very far from immune to this. I would urge as many people as possible to attend a child protection class; and urge all organisations – professional, voluntary and church – to make sure those who have regular dealings with children get the training, for the protection above all of the children, but also of adults working with them
“I actually feel more guilty and ashamed about not prosecuting than about what happened to me. I cannot help but think how many other little girls were abused because I never said anything.” - p40
32
and of the organisations themselves.” — George Fergusson, Governor of Bermuda There’s nothing more repugnant than the molesting of children. But what comes close is doing nothing to stop the molesting when you have the chance.
PREVENT
Child Sexual Abuse in Bermuda
By looking the other way, you allow them to repeatedly abuse minors. Will you do your part to break the silence?
Visit bermudaparent.bm and sign our petition for Bermuda to have a Public Offenders Registry
SPECIAL SECTION
A Monster in the Shadows Giving a
Child Sexual Abuse
Voice to the Voiceless
By Joanne Ball-Burgess
There is so much information out there nowadays on child sexual abuse. Even though much is being done to protect children and to assist with counseling where abuse has happened there are still many cases where the abuse goes unnoticed. Some children find their voice and get the support and help that they need to work through the trauma. Others continue through life without ever speaking about it and ultimately suffer in silence. How can we work together to give a voice to those without one? Âť www.bermudaparent.bm
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I
saw the image creeping in the distance. Although it was night time my eyes were wide awake. I felt my heart beating beneath my covers. I hugged my teddy bear tight. I don’t know why I was holding teddy tight. He didn’t protect me from the evil monster last night. Maybe my teddy bear wasn’t really soft and cuddly. Maybe evil pins and needles were hidden beneath his soft fur. I think he may be evil because he just watched blankly as I was being hurt. But in this moment teddy is all I have to make me feel safe so I hold him close. My hands begin to feel sweaty and shaky. As I squint into the shadows the image grows bigger and bigger. I heard the steps in the hallway slowly walking towards my direction. I cringed and let out a scream that echoes into the darkness. My parents said it was a bad dream. I’m no longer sure which one is worse; bad dreams or a terrible life. Until last night I was a child. After that I was transformed. Into what I do not know but something unrecognizable to me. Perhaps it wouldn’t happen tonight. The pain. My body and my soul ached. I felt dirty and washed myself in Detol until my skin turned red and stung like a thousand angry bees. As I looked at the soapy water I thought that perhaps it would be better to submerge myself in it. To hold my head at the bottom of the tub so that my button nose would graze the bottom of the bath tub as my life faded into iridescent bubbles that popped in mid-air. I glanced at my bath toys on the side of the tub. They looked happy. I was also happy yesterday but today I am sad. I think I’ll draw a frown on my rubber ducky with a permanent marker today. The shadow. It lurked every night. Even when it wasn’t there it was still there causing me to dread the ‘next time.’ I screamed again. My parents wondered why I had so many
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“I should have never given the monster hugs and kisses. Now I am in pain and nobody can help me. Not even my teddy bear.” nightmares. I couldn’t tell them what happened. They would be so mad at me. I would feel so ashamed. I could never tell my parents that the monster did this to me. They would say that it was my fault for hugging and kissing the large, evil troll at Christmas time. When the monster said I was a beautiful child I would smile and blush behind my mom. I noticed the goblinlike eyes following me around the house and I felt uncomfortable. I wanted to run away. I should have never given the monster hugs and kisses. Now I am in pain and nobody can help me. Not even my teddy bear. The world no longer looks blue and green to me. It has become a mesh of various shades of murky gray. I feel like the dirty star of a movie that I didn’t audition for. I was forced. Forced to be something to someone that I didn’t want to be…didn’t know how to be. The monster said it was good…that it felt good. I continue to wash the hidden dirt of my skin. I’m not sure what feels good anymore. How could things that make big people feel good hurt me so much? Life is so confusing. I don’t want to eat or play anymore. Perhaps if I stop eating I’ll become invisible. Or iridescent like the soapy bubbles in my bath tub. Play is for children. I was a child until yesterday. After that I was transformed. Into what I do not know but something unrecognizable to me. Maybe I’ve become the evil monster. I’m scared. Can somebody help me? Please? I think I’ll go and hug my teddy bear now.
SPECIAL SECTION
Child Sexual Abuse
Myths of Sexual Abuse Dispelled
By Anyonomous Parent
Myth #1 It’s a family matter that doesn’t need to be reported Unfortunately, most child sex abuse is committed by family members, family friends, or others in a trusted position, not by strangers. When our 3-year-old first spilled the beans to my wife, she immediately confronted the offender who admitted his crime. My wife’s family expected that we would treat this as a family matter and not report the incident to the police. The reality is that all sex abuse must be reported. We cried for a day and I made calls trying to find some other way to minimize the impact to this young man’s life. It took two calls to the police and two visits before we finally filed a report. I had to have an EKG in the middle of this because my doctor feared I was having a heart attack. A parent that fails to notify the police may be classified as a non-protecting parent.
Myth #2 A 3-year-old won’t remember Unfortunately, this is false and I truly wish it was true. We have not brought the topic up with our three year old. He on the other hand, now that the secret is out, has shared with us, with neighborhood children, and random folks at our house. He has shared everything in much greater detail than we necessarily want to know. It is a good sign that he doesn’t feel shame but he breaks our heart each time he brings it up. We have had several adults speak to us privately about their own experiences and unfortunately those who were his age when it happened still remember vividly what was done to them. It was stated at the sentencing hearing that the offender believes that our child wasn’t hurt and that he would “forget about it if people would quit bringing it up.” How I wish that were true….
Myth #3 It didn’t hurt (he didn’t say no/he enjoyed it) My stomach turns every time this lie is repeated, and I seethe with a thinly veiled rage. Forced sexual acts are humiliating, hurt physically and leave deep psychological scars. Anyone who says otherwise is in deep denial eschewing all common sense and reasoning, not to mention volumes of documentation. Both the offender and his family have used this as a way of implying that there was no crime and that what happened is no big deal.
Myth #4 It’s just a teenage boy thing (hormones or just a phase he’s going through) We all know that teenage boys are full of raging hormones that get the best of them and that they fantasize about a lot. I remember talking to the police officer by his cruiser as he was getting ready to leave and he made this point: It has not and has never been normal to fantasize about prepubescent boys and girls. He is correct. Those who fantasize about little kids are pedophiles and those that act on their fantasies are molesters. It was suggested that Thanksgiving and Christmas could still be the same, as long as the molester had adult supervision at all times and was not left alone with the other kids.
The biggest myth of all? That we can put the genie back in the bottle… really, we can’t. www.bermudaparent.bm
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testimon Female in 60s Do you remember at what age the abuse began?
the years and never realized that it was all caused by the abuse.
I have been sexually abused multiple times. I was first abused at age 3 by a neighbor. My next abuse occurred again from age 5–8 years by 3 Deacons at my church. Then we moved to Warwick and the abuse stopped. At age 13, I was raped twice by my brother’s best friend. At the age of 15 I was raped AGAIN by a male friend, which produced a child. My parents forced me into an early marriage at 16 years old with my rapist. At age 22 I was raped by a man. I was raped again at 48 years old by my best friend. My life has always been filled with secret shame and guilt.
Did you ever reveal what was happening to anybody? If not, why?
How did you cope with the abuse? How did it affect your life at the time? When I was age 3 years I was totally withdrawn. With my second molestation I began to overeat, get fat, which was the beginning of my compulsive eating. The abuse from the Deacons of my faith affected my relationship with God and I didn’t want anything to do with God after that. It affected my self-worth and I started to pick sores until they got infected, suck my fingers, and play with my hair until I pulled it out. I have been in and out of the hospital over 36
I never revealed to anyone my secrets because my parents were always fighting and I didn’t ever feel that they loved me. They never told me they loved me or cared. How could I tell them I was sexually abused? Would they believe me? I felt dirty, I felt ashamed, and I felt guilty. Who would love me? So I kept my secret to the point that at 18 years old I had my first nervous breakdown. Then I had suicide attempts, which followed me for over 10 years…still no one knew my secrets. And no one asked.
How and when did the abuse finally stop? My abuse never stopped in my mind.
How did you cope with the aftermath? Did you get therapy? Yes, I started therapy and participated in it for 23 years. I became a drug addict from prescription medicine and very fat. In fact, I couldn’t live without medication. Pills to rise and pills to go to sleep. I spent most of my time in a mental institu-
tion and on day release. My life was destroyed because of the sexual abuse I endured.
Did your abuser see accountability for his or her crime? No. One of my abusers died and it was a relief to me to never see his face again. I never approached any of my abusers and I don’t think I could ever do it now.
How has the abuse impacted your life now as an adult? I can never explain my pain, my shame, and my guilt. I could never be a good mother because of the anger. My heart cried day and night and a big hole that these men left in my heart has destroyed me forever. It’s only by the grace of God to bear this pain today. I have a hole in my heart and it’s bleeding but I know that God is my healer and it takes years to heal from a broken scarred heart.
nials
SPECIAL SECTION
Child Sexual Abuse
of Bermudians
Male in 50s Do you remember at what age the abuse began?
How and when did the abuse finally stop?
Around the age of 9 or 10
When I got older and recognized that this wasn’t right and obviously understood that I liked girls and I told him to stop and he did. I was able to defend myself at that point.
What was your relation to the abuser? Older brother
How did you cope with the abuse? How did it affect your life at the time? I didn’t understand or know any better. It didn’t affect me because I didn’t know anything about sex at the time. As I got older and I realized that it is not how it is supposed to be.
Did you ever reveal what was happening to anybody? If not, why? No. I guess I was ashamed and embarrassed. But at the same time he was not much older than I, but he was bigger and matured a lot quicker than me. I’m not sure if in my brother’s mind he understood that it was wrong. There was a bit of intimidation. He forced himself on me more than anything else.
How did you cope with the a ftermath? Did you get therapy? No.
Did your abuser see accountability for his or her crime?
I would go beyond that. There needs to be a sex offender list. There should be mandatory sexual abuse education and I also think that the Government should take a pro-active role in arming parents and the entire community about sexual abuse. After all, the political candidates are happy can go house to house running for office, why can’t they do public service announcements like “road safety” on this issue. If they were serious about it, they would get the word out. I am aware of the organization SCARS and they are doing a fantastic job, however the Government needs to get behind them as well.
If there is any advice you could give to mothers regarding this taboo and Have you ever confronted your abuser? yet prevalent topic, what would it be? I thought about it but not
No.
that seriously.
How has the abuse impacted your life now as an adult? I recognize that what I encountered was child sexual abuse. That it goes beyond just an adult and child. It can also be an older sibling or another child having power over a less powerful child or sibling.
I would tell all parents to get educated and sit down with their children early. Not only tell them about protecting their own bodies, but also to respect and not invade other children’s privacy and body parts.
What would you like to see the court system or government do for those who have endured child sexual abuse? www.bermudaparent.bm
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testimon Female early 50s Do you remember at what age the abuse began?
Age 12 – he was grooming me from the age of 3.
What was your relation to the abuser? He was a close family friend. He was always over the house and made himself trustworthy to everyone. At the beginning, I thought he was nicest guy who brought candy, balloons and presents and let me jump on his lap. He was in business with my step dad and I couldn’t understand why he would do it. I was confused. He would come behind me and rub himself on me when washing dishes while my family were in the other room. After dinner, my mom would say, “why don’t you walk Mr. Hollis down to the end of the road” so he isn’t alone? He would put his tongue in my mouth, and his hands on my privates and breasts. My family liked him so I thought it would be my fault if I said anything. I protected my sister from letting her walk down the road with him when she would ask.
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How did you cope with the abuse? How did it affect your life at the time? I was a bubbly happy young girl. My personality changed. I became more quiet and sad all the time. I found myself getting angry a lot and snapping back easily at my mom.
Did you ever reveal to anyone what was happening? If not, why? No, but I would hear kids in the neighborhood say that he was molesting them – these girls were running out of his barn screaming and saying ‘oh this man is a dirty man’.
How and when did the abuse finally stop? He ended up getting diabetes and sick. When I was 15, both of his legs had to be cut off. My mom would say, ‘go and give Mr. Hollis a kiss’ and his hands were still on my breasts even when his legs were cut off. He was 80 years old when he died. I was 17. My stepfather died when I was 16 and he went to his grave not knowing what this abuser did to me. It happened again with my math teacher’s husband. I was 14 and babysitting their kids. I forgot about the
abuse (blocked it out) until I got trained with SCARS. Anger replaces it–it was my coping mechanism. The math teacher’s husband would bring me home in their sports car and say ‘you are very beautiful, you have a good body’. Then he put his hand on my legs and then eventually moved it up my skirt. I pushed it away and ran over to a neighbor’s house and told her that I didn’t want to babysit for the math teacher anymore. The neighbor said she would call and say I couldn’t babysit anymore.
How did you cope with the aftermath? Did you get therapy? Two years ago was first time I ever went to therapy. I dealt with the anger issues and a lot of it came from that. I tried to protect myself from people getting in my space by releasing my anger. I always knew it was disgusting and not right, but in order to survive for all those years I blocked it out.
Have you ever confronted your abuser? No.
How has the abuse impacted your life now as an adult? Having Jesus in my life has made a big difference and made me learn to forgive these monsters. Having a spiritual relationship is so important because God has all the answers. That has been my healing.
nials
SPECIAL SECTION
Child Sexual Abuse
of Bermudians
Female late 30s Do you remember at what age the abuse began? Yes, age 7. What was your relation to the abuser? My brothers they were 7 years older than me (they were twins).
How did you cope with the abuse? How did it affect your life at the time? It happened several times. They abused both my sister and I. One of my brothers continued well after the other one stopped. And, the one that continued would talk my sister into doing stuff with him. He would have her ask me. I finally refused.
Did you ever reveal what was happening to anybody? If not, why? Around 8, I threatened my sister and brother multiple times that I would tell my mom. My mom finally asked me what I kept trying to tell her that they had done. I was abused along with my sister. But, I only told my mother that my brother and sister “kind of made love.” My mother never asked me what I meant by those words. And, she never asked me if it had happened to
me. We never discussed it again after that day. I finally was able to talk about it again at age 32. I ended up discussing it in therapy with a psychologist and a Christian counselor. I was able to talk to my father about it at age 32. The only thing that he said was, “I am sorry that happened to you. We figured that something must have happened.” The therapist stated that my mother’s reaction was not normal. That she probably had had issues of her own from the past. Normally a parent would and should ask more questions about something so alarming.
How and when did the abuse finally stop? Once, I had the courage to tell my mother, it stopped. My mother still didn’t know that the abuse had also happened to me. She never asked.
How did you cope with the aftermath? Did you get therapy? I went through a deep depression at age 32. I had thoughts of suicide and started cutting myself. I believe it surfaced 25 years later because my step son was 15 at the time and my own son was 8. My brothers were around age 15 and I was age 7 and 8 when my abuse occurred. It was very difficult to see my kids at those ages and to know that my brothers should have known better.
Did your abuser see accountability for his or her crime? No, they never admitted accountability. And, they still have never even apologized or shown remorse.
Have you ever confronted your abuser? My family always acted as if the abuse never happened and like we had a perfect family to others. At 32, my therapist tried to get me to forgive my brothers. My relationship with them had always been distant. I finally had the courage to confront them individually, telling them I was in therapy for what happened when we were little. Even after confronting them, they did not apologize. They just stared at me. I had to find a way to forgive my parents for how they handled the situation. They should have probed more and asked more questions. It was so hard to address “sex” at age 8. When I brought it to my mother’s attention and she should have asked more questions. I should have been protected from my brothers at that point. At 15, my brothers knew it was wrong and should have been held accountable for their actions.
How has the abuse impacted your life now as an adult? I was consumed with depression and anxiety. I was also dealing with a lot of things with my step kids at the time though. But, I went through a period of 1 year where I would continued » www.bermudaparent.bm
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testimon get depressed and cut myself on my arms. I didn’t understand any of it. I tried to figure out why I was doing it. I found out that it was very common with people that have been sexually abused. And, it is worse when you feel out of control or when someone else is trying to control you. I also had thoughts of suicide around that time. After therapy, I no longer have thoughts of cutting myself or of suicide. Based on my experience, I am very concerned for those who do not get therapy. I might not be here today if it wasn’t for my therapist. If there is any advice you could give to mothers regarding this taboo and yet prevalent topic, what would it be? Ask questions, be proactive. Talk to your kids about their bodies and about others touching them or them touching others. Start talking early ages 5 and younger. Kids need to be told that a judge can take them away from their parents if they touch anyone else inappropriately (including their own sisters, brothers, family, or friends). Parents are too scared to take away the innocence of their kids. Kids don’t have to be told about sex for them to understand touching. I wish my parents had listened and had conversations with me early. I wish they had not acted too embarrassed to discuss anything about our private parts or about sex. Maybe it would not have taken me 25 years and thoughts of suicide to heal.
Female in 20s Do you remember at what age the abuse began? It happened every Sunday, starting at 4 years old until 8 years old.
What was your relation to the abuser? He was a lifelong friend of my great uncle. He played the perfect role of a friendly, loving family friend who enjoyed fishing and playing with us. Except, instead he was a monster who was stealing my innocence on Sunday mornings. He rented a mooring in the bay next to my house, which belonged to my grandmother. He would lure my brother and me out on his boat for “fishing trips”. But, I never got to fish. My brother would fish, while he would take advantage of me. I remember several times trying to get away from him, and he would grip me and pull me back and whisper in my ear to be a good little girl for him. He made me believe that if I did not allow him to do what he pleased with me; I wasn’t being a good girl.
How did you cope with the abuse? How did it affect your life at the time? I was 4 years old and confused. I remember feeling dirty and ashamed, as if I was responsible for what was happening. I couldn’t understand why something so wrong and disgusting could also feel good. I was confused and began to experience sexual feelings that at 4 years old I should have never 40
known about. I hated myself. All the shame turned to anger and I went from a happy, loving child to an angry and hateful child. My family couldn’t even begin to understand what happened to their little girl who was always so filled with joy. Over the years, I suppressed the memories, and decided this was my secret, and I could never tell anyone. But no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t stop myself from having nightmares about him.
Did you ever reveal what was happening to anybody? If not, why? My abuser’s step daughter called my grandmother to advise her that when she was a child he had abused her. My grandmother asked me if he was touching me in inappropriate places, and terrified that I would get in trouble I lied and said no. This manifested inside of me, increasing my shame. I couldn’t understand why I was trying to protect my abuser. I hated him and I feared him. But I still couldn’t bring myself to tell people what was actually happening. Eventually, at 18, I told my family what happened. I was fortunate enough to have a teacher in my life that, in my opinion, saved me. She was also sexually abused as a young woman and recognized a lot of familiar traits in me. One day, she pulled me aside and said to me, that although, she could be fired for asking me the question, she would never forgive herself for not. She then proceeded to ask
nials me if I had ever been sexually abused. Instantly, so many emotions, that I had forced myself to never feel, consumed me. I couldn’t even answer her, although based on my reaction there was no need to. I say that she saved my life, because without her I don’t know if I would have ever forced myself to confront my abuse. I would have tried to just forget, but you never can. She helped me figure out where to go from there, and how to tell my family. I owe her everything.
How and when did the abuse finally stop? The abuse stopped when I was about 8. I was petrified that he would somehow find a way to get me alone again. He would visit my uncle, and I would hide in my mom’s office at the house, thinking it would never end. He would always be in my life, ruining me. I never saw him again, until a few years ago when I saw him sitting in Specialty Inn. Even after all the years, he still paralyzed me. I stood in Specialty, breathless, staring at him and unable to move for about a minute. When I finally caught myself, I just turned around and left my take out order sitting at the counter. I couldn’t believe that after all these years he could still make me feel like a helpless child.
SPECIAL SECTION
Child Sexual Abuse
of Bermudians
How did you cope with the aftermath? Did you get therapy? I was still a victim, not coping, but living a constant nightmare, until I told my family. As I got older it got worse. I was physically unable to be intimate with my boyfriend, at the time. My body would completely shut down as I associated the feelings with all the shameful feelings I had as a child. I gained weight, and did everything I could to try and make myself ‘undesirable’ from any other abusers. I didn’t care about appearance, or myself. I was just angry and hateful towards everyone, but especially myself. I was extremely fortunate that the teacher, who helped me reveal this dark secret, also knew the most amazing psychologist. I began seeing him my first semester of my senior year, and he changed me. He gave me back the life that my abuser had stolen. His first goal was to get me to experience emotions, other than anger. I had lived my life so numb, that I didn’t even know how to feel emotions. To me, it was something that other people got to experience, but something I would never know. I remember describing to him how I felt with all the new emotions, and the only thing I could compare it to was a rollercoaster ride. It felt amazing and exciting, but also scary. It wasn’t fixed overnight, and I’m not sure it will ever be fully fixed, but he helped me get control of my life again. continued »
www.bermudaparent.bm
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testimonials Did your abuser see accountability for his or her crime? No. This is the hardest thing for me to still think about. I actually feel more guilty and ashamed about not prosecuting than about what happened to me. I cannot help but think how many other little girls were abused by the same man because I never said anything. This is a battle I will always struggle with, but all I can do now is try to help other young girls who have experienced such horrible acts of abuse and violence.
Have you ever confronted your abuser or think about writing him something for your own freedom of the past? I called him once, when I first began speaking out about what happened. I recorded the conversation, and used to listen to it quite often. It hurt to listen to, but I was proud of myself for taking control. I called him and told him who I was, and he responded in a snarky tone “Oh, I remember you. Sounds like you’ve grown up” and snickered. I proceeded to tell him that I remember exactly who he was also, and exactly what he did to me. He tried to defend himself and as we argued I realized, I’ve petrified him. He thought I was going to call the police. The tone of his voice was shaky, and he was furious as he yelled at me that I was absurd and must remember things wrong. A wave of satisfaction and a feeling of freedom hit me. I had made him feel helpless and terrified; I had made him feel the same way he used to make me feel.
How has the abuse impacted your life now as an adult? I will never be the person I was born to be, I was robbed of that by my abuser. I have learned to accept that though, and not only accept it but embrace it. I am ok with not being who I was born to be, because I think 42
SPECIAL SECTION
Child Sexual Abuse
I am stronger and more resilient than I would have ever been. I have the ability to realize that everyone has a story in life, giving me the ability to have unconditional love and compassion for everyone.
Would you like to see the court system or government do for those who have endured child sexual abuse? I strongly believe that Bermuda should have a public sex offenders list. I made a point of going to the neighborhood where my abuser lives and warning people of him, but it shouldn’t be like that. I do not understand why we as a society protect the abusers. While I am compassionate, and understanding that the victims want to remain anonymous, the abuser should not. I also think that there should be some sort of program, where kids who have been sexually abused can talk to adults who also experienced it and survived. When I was a child I never thought I could have a normal life. I wish I had someone who had been through all the misery and came out the other end a happy and loving person.
If there is any advice you could give to mothers regarding this taboo and yet prevalent topic, what would it be? Don’t believe abusers are people you don’t know who are going to snatch your child off the street while you aren’t looking. Majority of the time it will happen right under your nose by the person you least expect and most trust. It is imperative from a young age to teach your children where they should never be touched, not even by family members. And, it is also imperative to help them understand if they ever are touched in those places, no matter by whom, to tell you. Ensure them that they will never get in trouble for telling the truth.
SPECIAL SECTION
Empower Your Kids to Speak Up:
A video that educates about sexual abuse
W
e live in a time when parents are fully aware of the need to speak to their children about sexual abuse, and where there is excellent information on how to do so. Sometimes, a book is a helpful way to open a discussion—Jill Starishevsky’s book My Body Belongs To Me is a great start. The author is an Assistant District Attorney in New York City, where she’s prosecuted hundreds of sex offenders. In these YouTube-centric times, video can be a great way to engage a kid on a subject. Jill Starishevsky has created a fourminute animated film, based on the book, to educate kids and empower them to speak up should anything happen. It was created to be accessible and ap-
Child Sexual Abuse By Bermuda Parent Magazine
propriate for children as young as 3-years-old, and meant for parents and educators to watch with kids and open a dialogue on the topic. I think it’s excellent, and a great way to start a dialogue.
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Politicians Discuss the Impact of
Child Sexual Abuse in Bermuda H Senator Jeff Baron Do you think that child sexual abuse is prevalent in Bermuda?
I feel that child sex abuse; wether widespread or infrequent, is one of those crimes that goes beyond statistics. One child abused is a tragedy on its own. Prevalent? I don’t know. Disturbing enough to warrant social and political action? Absolutely. Do sexual offenders receive adequate rehabilitation?
I feel that all sex offenders have significant mental health issues that they have failed to confront, hence committing a heinous crime on our Islands youth. They are often triggered emotionally and physically to commit these expressive crimes. However, I don’t believe the offenders are irreconcilable elements in our society. They can be helped and my view is that we, in Government, need to ensure that those seeking help get it. It’s too important to get wrong. Regarding enough rehab, my understanding of what specific rehab programs sex offenders undergo is not that granular, I would submit. However, I don’t think our understanding of rehab needs to be granular at all. All we need to know and feel is that offenders are making visible improvements and return to society with a different perspective on their previous life. What can be done to reduce sex assaults on children?
We need these crimes to be reported. But we don’t have any realistic data on this problem because families are not reporting it. They don’t report child sex abuse for various reasons – stigma, shame, embarrassment, denial or a desire to handle the situation themselves. Current prevention methods have 44
By
Mikaela Ian Do sexual offenders receive limitations. We know that many Pearman cases go unreported and this adequate rehabilitation? stifles our ability to be forwardInnovations in the treatment of leaning with prevention policies. victims of sexual abuse and rehaWe need to achieve a balance between bilitation of sexual offenders continue shielding our children from sex offend- to be developed and we must direct ers, recognized as such by our courts, the victims and abusers appropriately. and assisting offenders with getting criti- Finally, we need to stop skirting around cal help to address a very serious illness the issue of the official implementathey have. My priority is the children tion of a Sexual Offenders Registry. however. No child deserves to become We already use Electronic Monitoring a victim of a sex crime. And no society Devices for other offences, perhaps deserves to feel victimized by a system each convicted sexual abusers should that fails to do enough to reduce and be fitting with such devices until they prevent sex offences from occurring. complete mandatory rehabilitation. We must reach a bipartisan medium to proWhat can be done to help abused tect our citizens both young and old. children?
‘Listen. Comfort. Act.’ A child needs to trust the people around them, the people in their support group and the people who are going to manage the abuse case. They need to trust that that they will be loved after sharing their secret and that the reaction from the enforcement agencies will be swift, effective and just. The fear, anger and immense shame children feel after being abused is so hard for me to try and comprehend, especially as a parent. And it’s these feelings that enable the offender to continue the abuse. What a vicious cycle.
H Senator Renee Ming Do you think that child sexual abuse is prevalent in Bermuda?
This issue deserves our “utmost attention”! Not just as legislators, but as ordinary caring citizens of Bermuda. It is a crime that reaches beyond race, gender and political lines. This is a Bermuda problem. Our fix or solution must be a Bermuda fix, one of caring for the victim, concern for the affected families and help for the abusers.
What can be done to reduce sex assaults on children?
As parents, I believe our role is to be frank and open with our children. We must educate them on what sexual abuse is, we must assure them that we will be there to listen to them in the event that they are abused. I have two minor daughters, 13 and six and I cannot think or imagine that ever happening to either of them. My children are constantly equipped with knowledge on sexual abuse and they are encouraged to talk us about any and every situation. I have noticed recently that there have been several cases of either sexual abuse or sexual exploitation of minors. I shudder to think that the number of reported cases may not depict the actual numbers as many victims of sexual abuse fail to report the crime. Many may feel that they have no one to turn to, that they won’t receive justice, that they will be blamed or that it is better for everyone if they just acted like it never happened. I encourage every victim of sexual abuse to speak out and report their matter as that’s when the healing process begins.
SPECIAL SECTION
Child Sexual Abuse H MP Nandi Outerbridge Do you think that child sexual abuse is prevalent in Bermuda?
One can’t say for sure because child sex abuse is something that can be hidden for years, if not forever, by the victims. But on the basis of anecdotal evidence and court appearances I would say that child sex abuse is a big problem in Bermuda. Do sexual offenders receive adequate rehabilitation?
As a parent, I can’t help but have strong feelings about sexual offenders. Unless a community is aware of offenders in their midst – and I mean awareness at the police level or through a public register or through helping agencies – then they cannot not be considered a danger to the community. The fact of the matter is that these people need help. Mandatory ongoing treatment is necessary to minimize the dangers. What can be done to reduce sex assaults on children?
There are a number of prevention strategies that can be put into place to reduce and stop sexual abuse It’s very important to be as proactive as possible because the abuse can damage a person for life. I believe SCARS has an excellent program in place focusing on abused children, while also offering training to prevent, recognise and react responsibly to sexual abuse.
H The Hon. Minister
Wayne Scott
How prevalent do you think child sexual assaults are in Bermuda ?
Even one instance is one to many, and we do see cases being brought before the courts. Statistics worldwide show that very few instances are actually brought before the courts. These combined show that the problem does exist in Bermuda.
What can be done to reduce sex assaults on children in Bermuda?
Education and awareness. The work of organizations like SCARS, who aim to get the word out, is a crucial part of helping to reduce the occurrences of abuse. What can be done to help those who have been abused/assaulted?
Support groups have proven to be effective, as has clinical help. In Bermuda, as this has been a taboo topic, the more we start to talk about this as a community, the easier it will become for those affected to seek the help that they need. What can be done to help offenders?
We have to do more than locking people away. If we don’t try to help the offenders, they will probably offend again. When will Bermuda have its own Sexual Offenders Registry for parents and our community to help safe guard their children?
When will Bermuda have its own Sexual Offenders Registry for parents and our community to help safe guard their children?
Registry - should be produced YESTERDAY!
H The Hon. Minister
Mark Pettingill
How prevalent do you think child sexual assaults are in Bermuda?
I think, like the rest of the World that sexual assaults on children are far more prevalent than we would like to believe! What can be done to reduce sex assaults on children?
Education and regulation with regard to all individuals working with children! What can be done to help children who have been abused?
(No comment was given)
SCARS! Children who have been abused need counseling and ongoing support (including the ones that are adults now!)
H MP Zane Desilva
Is rehab possible for offenders?
How prevalent do you think child sexual assaults are in Bermuda ?
I think child sexual abuse is extremely prevalent! What can be done to reduce sex assaults on children in Bermuda?
Increase penalty BIG TIME! Support SCARS. Name the guilty perpetrators with permission of the victims. Get the media to push campaign at no charge to charities or general public. What can be done to help those who have been abused/assaulted?
Suggest agencies like SCARS, get them as much help and assistance by professionals. What can be done to help offenders?
Offenders – help?? None – should be put away for life!
I am not convinced it is, I think that offenders, particularly prolific offenders will need counseling and monitoring and observation of many years. Child sexual abuse is not a case of “sorry I made a mistake it won’t happen again.” Statistics show that it will! When will Bermuda have its own Sexual Offenders Registry for parents and our community to help safe guard their children?
Working on it now! Whilst it sounds simple there are number of legal and Constitutional matters to consider, i.e. should the 17 year old that has “consensual sex” with his 15 year old girlfriend and her parents pursue a charge, be placed on the Sexual offenders list as being effectively a pedophile because of the ages? Many people would say “no”... so; those types of considerations have to be looked at carefully.
www.bermudaparent.bm
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Currently, Bermuda does not allow for a public sex offender’s register. In July 2012, then Attorney General Kim Wilson gave a statement in the Senate saying that Bermuda’s laws don’t allow for a US-style registry. At the time, Ms Wilson said: “This protocol and the law operate on the presumption that information should not be disclosed because of the risk of preventing a sex offender from living a normal life and the danger of vigilante justice.” There is a registry in Bermuda, but it isn’t at all similar to the US-style or even the UK’s version. While the database in the UK isn’t available to the public, the criteria and requirements are public. In the US, families can rely on sites such as www.familywatchdog.us to search for pedophiles in their neighbourhoods. There is also the National Sex Offender Public Website run by the US Department of Justice. And there are sex offender registers run by each state in the US where information is readily available.
In the UK, the Violent and Sex Offender Register (VISOR) is a database of records of those required to register with the Police under the Sexual Offences Act 2003, those jailed for more than 12 months for violent offences, and those thought to be at risk of offending. The database is not public, and can only be accessed by police, National Probation Service and HM Prisons. Private companies running the prisons are also granted access. What style sexual offenders list would you like to see? To have a public or private offenders registry? Visit our website and tell us what you think. www. bermudaparent.bm
MEDIA KIT 2013
All Sorts of Stuff
The Network for Bermuda Parents Parent Life TV atLifestyle www.bermudaparent.bm for interviews with a survivor of child sexual abuse, SCARS and others. Sexual Abuse Against Children is a Crime. Sign our online petition - ‘Speak Up For Those Who Can’t’ Our community deserves to have public access to the Sex Offenders Registry and every b e r m u d a p a r e n t m a g aestablishment zine.com that works with children should be trained on sexual abuse by law.
www.bermudaparent.bm
SPECIAL SECTION
IDENTIFYING ABUSE
Child Sexual Abuse
By Alicia Resnik
“Adults who use children to meet their own sexual needs abuse both girls and boys of all ages. Children who report sex abuse do so because they want it to stop. Therefore it’s important they are listened to and taken seriously.” — Detective Inspector Mark Clarke, Officer in Charge of the Vulnerable Persons Unit.
“Know your child and their comfort level. Question them if you notice a change in behavior. Encourage dialogue.” — Mrs. Terri-Lynn Richardson, Acting Team Coordinator, Department of Child and Family Services.
What is child abuse? Child abuse is the physical, sexual, emotional mistreatment or neglect of a child. Child abuse may be defined as an act, or failure to act, on the part of a parent of caretaker that results in the death, physical or emotional harm, sexual abuse or exploitation of a child, or which places the child in imminent risk of serious harm.
What is the impact of child abuse on the child, and on society? Child abuse is part of a vicious cycle that may take many generations to break. Numerous studies have demonstrated that victims of child abuse, in all its forms, are more likely to commit crimes as juveniles and adults. Adult survivors of abuse report differentially low mental outcomes that may include: Depression Anxiety disorders Poor self-esteem Aggressive behavior Suicide attempts Eating disorders Use of illicit drugs Alcohol abuse Disassociation Sexual difficulties Self-harming behaviors Personality disorders
How does this kind of abuse impact an adult who was abused as a child? Unfortunately many cases of child sexual abuse remain unreported. The full impact of the abuse may only manifest itself when the child becomes an adult. Without professional help many survivors of abuse have lower workforce participation. Unreported victims may become abusers themselves – thereby continuing the cycle of abuse. Unreported, untreated effects of child abuse impact not only the health of individuals but, generate health and financial strains on the community.
If an adult was abused as a child and did not report the abuse then, can they report the abuse now? Who would they contact? There is no statute of limitations on child sexual abuse. Report abuse to the Police, Child and Family Services, the Child Development Program, Child and Adolescent Services, The Family Centre, the Coalition for the Protection of Children, The Woman’s Resource Centre, Local Therapists, Psychologists, SCARS, and EAP Services.
Who are offenders? There is no stereotype. Abusers come from all backgrounds, professions and races. Any person in a position of trust may be a potential abuser. A family member, a teacher, a coach. It’s a common fallacy that victims and abusers come from “bad” or “low-income” families. Child abuse occurs across all societal spectrums and within all types of families. www.bermudaparent.bm
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There is no statute of limitations on child sexual abuse. Why should society care about child sexual abuse? Being abused as a child significantly increases the likelihood of delinquency, adult criminality and violent criminal behavior.
Who can help and how? Early detection and intervention can help stop the cycle of abuse. Report incidences of suspected child abuse to the Police and to Child & Family Services. Intervention is key. Support services include counseling and parental education from: Child Development Program, Child & Adolescent Services, the Family Centre, the Coalition for the Protection of Children, the Woman’s Resource Centre, local Therapists, Psychologists and EAP Services.
There are often recognizable physical and behavioral indicators of child abuse or neglect. The following signs by themselves may not be conclusive evidence of a problem but, serve as indicators that a problem may exist.
Signs of Sexual Abuse: • • • • • • • • •
What are common adult and parent reactions to a child who is the victim of sexual abuse? When first receiving news that your child has been abused, parents may feel shocked. They might deny that this could have happened. Parents may ask all kinds of questions which might deter the child from talking openly. Asking a barrage of questions may also influence your child’s responses. This may promote confusion and the child could question themselves, wondering if they “misread” the situation. The best reaction is to remain calm, encourage dialogue, be supportive and seek professional assistance.
What are warning signs? Are there behavioral signs? 48
Difficulty walking or sitting. Pain or itching in the genital area. Torn, stained or bloody underclothing. Frequent complaints of stomachaches or headaches. Venereal disease. Bruises or bleeding in external genitalia. Feeling threatened by physical contact. Inappropriate sex play or premature understanding of sex. Frequent urinary or yeast infections.
What should you do if you suspect your child has been abused? What should you do if you suspect your child is abusing others? Report any suspicions to the Department of Child and Family Services and/ or the Police. If you suspect your child is abusing others, seek professional help.
Are there available statistics for child sexual abuse victims in Bermuda? •
In Bermuda, on average, 2/3rd’s of the reported sex offenses are committed upon children under the age of 18.
•
In 2012 there were approximately 700 referrals of child abuse. (A referral indicates a report for investigation. Not all referrals mean the abuse occurred.) • There are 15% more reported female sex abuse referrals than male. • In 2009 there were 89 reported cases of sexual abuse; the majority involved children between 9 and 14 years. In 2010 there were 115 reported. Accurate statistics are difficult to gather because many children do not tell. Research in the United States shows: • 1 in 4 girls and 1 in 6 boys will be sexually abused before they are 18. • 20% of child sexual abuse victims are under the age of 8. • 30-40% are abused by family members or relatives. • 50-60% are abused by people the family knows and trusts. • 10% are abused by strangers. • 88% of abuse is never reported.
Is there a sexual offender register? A record is kept of offenders of serious crime. All persons convicted of sex offenses are required to register. Records are kept with the Police. The register is not available to the public.
SPECIAL SECTION
REPORTING CHILD SEXUAL ABUSE
Child Sexual Abuse
By Alicia Resnik
Fact: In Bermuda, on average, 2/3rd’s of the reported sex offenses are committed upon children under the age of 18. Fact: There is no statute of limitations on child sexual abuse. Mandatory Reporting of Child Sexual Abuse
Child sexual abuse is a crime. According to the Laws of Bermuda Child Act 1989 (section 20) every person who has information indicating that a child is suffering or has suffered significant harm, must report this information to the Director of Child & Family Services. If you have been abused or know a child that is being abused, or has been abused, report the abuse to:
Call 911 if in immediate danger Bermuda Police Service
Dame Lois Browne-Evans Building 52 Victoria Street Hamilton HM12 www.bermudapolice.bm Serious Crime & Vulnerable Persons Unit: 295-0011 or 247-1678 After Hours: 295-0011 (This is the Police Service. They will contact a social worker from Family Services). SCARS - Saving Children And Revealing Secrets 297-2277 Family Services Magnolia Place 45 Victoria Street Hamilton HM12 Hotline: 278-9111 (9am to 5pm) or 294-5882. The Family Centre: (9am-6pm) 232-1116, www.tfc.bm The Coalition for the Protection of Children: 295-1150, www.coalition.bm www.bermudaparent.bm
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REPORTING CHILD SEXUAL ABUSE Warning Signs in Children and Adolescents of Possible Child Sexual Abuse
Imagine how difficult it is for a child to say “no” or “stop” to a parent, a relative, a teacher, coach, or clergy member. Warning signs are an opportunity for prevention. Any one sign doesn’t mean sexual abuse but, the presence of several suggests you ask questions and seek assistance. Some of the following signs may emerge at other times of stress such as divorce, death of a family member or pet, problems with friends or school – and any other anxiety-inducing or traumatic event. Behavior you may see in a child or adolescent:
• • •
• • • • • • • • •
Nightmares or other sleep problems without an explanation. Seems distracted or distant at odd times. A sudden change in eating habits such as refusing to eat, trouble swallowing, lost or drastically increased appetite. Sudden mood swings: rage, fear, insecurity, withdrawal. Leaves “clues” that seem to provoke a discussion about sexual issues. Writes, draws, plays or dreams of sexual or frightening images. Develops new or unusual fear of certain people or places. Refuses to talk about a secret shared with an adult or older child. Talks about a new older friend. Suddenly has money, toys or other gifts without a reason. Thinks of self or body as dirty, bad or repulsive. Exhibits adult-like sexual behaviors, language and knowledge.
Signs more typical in younger children:
• • •
50
An older child behaving like a younger child (such as bed-wetting or thumb sucking). Uses new words for private body parts. Resists removing clothes at appropriate times (bath, bed, toileting, diapering).
• • •
Asks other children to behave sexually or play sexual games. Mimics adult-like sexual behaviors with toys or stuffed animals. Wetting and soiling accidents unrelated to toilet training.
Signs more typical in adolescents:
• • • • • • • • •
Self-injury (cutting, burning). Inadequate personal hygiene. Drug and alcohol abuse. Sexual promiscuity. Running away from home. Depression, anxiety. Suicide attempts. Fear of intimacy or closeness. Compulsive eating or dieting.
Physical Warning Signs
Physical warning signs of sexual abuse are rare. If you see these signs, bring your child to the doctor. Your doctor will help you understand what has happened and can test for possible sexually transmitted diseases. • Pain, discoloration, bleeding or discharge in genitals, anus or mouth. • Persistent or recurring pain during urination and bowel movements. • Wetting and soiling accidents unrelated to toilet training. The Prevention of Child Sexual Abuse
A child’s safety is an adult’s job. Help prevent abuse by learning the warning signs. Education is available. “Darkness to Light Stewards of Children Training” is a 3-hour training program to prevent, recognize and react responsibly to child sexual abuse. The 7-step program provides training for individuals and, organizations entrusted with children. To find out more about the program, or to schedule a training session, contact training@scars.bm or Debi Ray-Rivers at debi.ray-rivers@scars.bm or 537-7949 or Jon Brunson at jon.brunson@scars.bm. There are 890 adults currently certified – become 891 and help stop child sexual abuse. Preventing Abuse
Don’t wait for proof of child sexual abuse. Look for patterns of behaviors that make children unsafe. Keep track
of behaviors that are concerning. If you suspect child sexual abuse, seek immediate assistance. Psychological Counseling & Therapists: The Association of Diagnostic & Psychological Services SRT Building, 2nd Floor #2 Addendum Lane South Pembroke HM07 Tel: 296-7766 New Hope Counseling & Consulting Services 44 Point Finger Rd, Paget Tel: 296-7296 The Coalition for the Protection of Children Suite 127 Par-la-Ville Rd Hamilton HM11 Tel: 295-1150 The Association of Diagnostic and Psychological Services SRT Building, 2nd Floor #2 Addendum Lane South Pembroke HM07 Tel: 295-7766 Offender Treatment
“To be sexually attracted to a child is an illness; to act upon it is a crime” www.scars.bm.
If you, or someone you know, are an offender, counselling is available. Benedict Associates Ltd. The Emporium Building 5th Floor, 69 Front Street Hamilton, HM 12 Tel: 295-2070
notice Dogs
Dogs and Horses on Public Beaches
Notice
The Department of Parks is reminding dog owners, handlers, and the general public that the 1988 Bermuda National Park Regulations and Policies under the jurisdiction of the 1986 Bermuda National Parks Act have changed, regarding dogs in parks and on the public beaches.
Dogs and Horses on Public Beaches
The Regulations and Policies are asThe follows: Department of Parks is informing the general public thatany asof ofthe thepublic 1st November 2012, the 1988 Bermuda • Dogs are NOT PERMITTED to be on beaches between Tuesday the 1stNational April 2014 and SatPark Regulations have changed regarding dogs urday the 31st October 2014. and horses on the public beaches, under the jurisdiction • Dogs can be walked either on theoftrails in Parks or on National Parks Act. the 1986 Bermuda the dunes in South Shore Park at any time. • •
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The dogs must be on a leash at ALLDogs times.are permitted to be on the public beaches until Bermuda National Par the 31st As a reminder dogs are NOT PERMITTED theMarch Main 2013. 1. (1) Subject to paragraph (2 Show Ring in Botanical Gardens. Signs erected protected area The are dogs must be on a leash at all times. informing the public of the closure. The Department of Parks is informing horse owners, (a) take a horse other than o During this period until the 30th April 2013 horses are handlers, and the general public that the 1988 Bermuda Members of the general public are NOT reminded that permitted on the following beaches at any time: (b) ride a horse in a manne Botanical Gardens is closed to the public at sundown National Park Regulations under the jurisdiction of thetherein; any person 1. John Smith’s Bay Park each day. 1986 Bermuda National Parks Act have changed regard(c) ride a horse at a speed Beach Park ing horses on the public beaches. For health and safety reasons dogs2. are Elbow NOT ALLOWED per hour; on the playgrounds at Clearwater Beach, Mullet Bay 3. Horseshoe Bay Beach ( South Shore Park ) (d) being in control of a hors The Regulations are as follows: Park, Shelly Bay Park, Parsons Road, Admiralty House it is not properly tied to s The cooperation of dog kennel operators, and the owners of dogs, Park, Warwick Long Bay and Death Valley. • Horses are NOT PERMITTED to be on Horseshoe Bay, tree or shrub; in abiding by the regulations, is greatly appreciated. Johns Smith’s Bay, Elbow Beach and Shelly Bay, from Dogs are also NOT PERMITTED in the new Coopers Is(e) lead from horse-back a r Thursday 1st May 2014 to Friday the 31st October land Nature Reserve where the NASA Tracking Station appropriately bridled; Bermuda National Park Regulations 1988 2014. was located. (f) lunge or31st break in any ho 6. No person shall,are being the owner• of,orFrom in control of, a dog – May 2014 until Friday Thursday the 1st the In areas such as Botanical Gardens the handlers 2014 the and handlers(g) ofride horses mayin excess of a horse reminded to use the Dogipot bags provided for the (b), bring suchOctober (a) subject to paragraph dog unleashed onowners to take or ride the horses on all other public beaches. the vicinity of other mem any protected area; or cleanup and disposal of their animals waste. Theinowners and area handlers can ONLYBERMUDA take or ride the NATIONAL PARKS A (b) bring such dog on to any public• beach a protected during horses below the year; high or water mark between the hours the period from the 1st April to the 31st October in any In exercise of the powers con or 5:00 a.m. and 8:00 a.m. 25 of the Bermuda National p
Horses
(c) subject to paragraph (b), bring such dog on to any protected area herebyShore made: Horses can be South using a leash greater than three• meters in length, or on the trails and dunes inare Park at any time. Amendment of BR 49/1988 (d) cause, permit or suffer such dog to annoy or disturb any person 5 (2) During the period – in any protected area.
(a) 1st November to 30t The of dog and horse owners and hanAlso by signs and notice: No dogs in thecooperation Main Show Ring at Botanical take or ride a horse o Gardens and no dogs in Coopersdlers, IslandinNature Reserve. abiding by the Regulations and Policies is Bay and Elbow Beac greatly appreciated. all other public beac any time; If further information is required or to report any
1st May to 31st Octo incidents please contact the Department of(b) Parks take or ride a horse o office at the following 236-5902, Park RangersBay, at 599Elbow Beach an 5902 or email parksdept@gov.bm a horse on all other p
mark between the ho
The cooperation of horse sta
horses, in abiding by the reg If further information is required please contact the Department of Parks at 236-5902.
Enter the
BELCO BIRD Kite Safety Competition Kite safety is important to all of us, so encourage your child to enter. The rules are simple. n The competition is open to Primary 1 and Primary 2 students only. n All submissions must be on 8.5” x 14” (legal size) paper. n All submissions must include the child’s name, school, class, age and gender on back of entry (one entry per child) n Place entries in an envelope marked Poster Competition and deliver to BELCO’s Head Office on Serpentine Road in Pembroke. n The winner of the Best Overall Poster (one winner) will be invited, along with his/her class, to BELCO to meet and have a picture taken with BELCO Bird. n Judges will select winners in the following categories: Best Kite Safety Message Most Beautiful Poster Best Overall Poster
Kite Safety Rules n Always use the correct supplies when making a kite. n Keep your kites away from power lines and busy roads. n Good places to fly your kite include beaches, fields and playgrounds (away from overhead power lines). n Fly your kites only on bright, sunny days. n If your kite gets caught in power lines, don’t tug on the tail or pull the string. n Call BELCO at 955 and then dial “0” to speak with the operator.
n Posters will not be returned. Deadline for entries: Wednesday, March 26, 2014 at 5:00 p.m. Contact Deana Bailey at dbailey@ascendant.bm or 299 2824.