2024 Summer Series: Gospel Correction

WELCOME TO KNOWN, A MAGAZINE CENTERED AROUND KNOWING GOD AND BEING KNOWN BY HIM.

Our focus on family engagement will always be to help parents shepherd their children to Christ. We want to partner alongside you as you help your children know God. These testimonials are not about praising parents who seemingly have it together, but to remind us that we can do nothing worthwhile outside of the Lord’s provision. Parents sharing in this issue were all asked to specifically write about their experience in gospel correction through parenting and what that has looked like in their homes.

New to this issue is a section with sermon outlines to guide you through this year’s summer series. There are plenty of extras we pray will boost your understanding of gospel correction.

The heart behind these pages is to encourage you.

Our prayer is that when you read these word that you would be reminded of God’s great love for you; that in this cluttered world, the Creator cares for You. You are known by Him. You matter to Him. We also pray that the personal testimonies, stories, and articles in this magazine point you to Christ and help you better know the character of God.

This issue marks a change in our ever-evolving publication. Like our yearly Advent Guide is a correlating resource with sermons during Christmas, this summer issue will be done in correlation with the Mars Hill Church summer series. This year’s series theme is Gospel Correction, and you will find this focus running throughout this issue.

Like every heart story shared in the past, those shared in this issue will also encourage us in the knowledge that God knows everything about us yet still loves us. His love is so great that He uses the gift of correction to sanctify and refine us. The heart stories shared here illustrates the great love and redemption offered to each of us.

It is our prayer that learning more about gospel correction will deepen your faith and trust in the Lord and knowing God more.

DESIGN WITH INTENTION

Just like every personal story shared in this guide was carefully thought out, each image you’ll find in these beautiful pages was specifically chosen to be tonally and thematically consistent.

Gospel Correction imbues visuals of God as Refiner , Potter , Pruner , Constructor , and Carpenter . As we learn how correction from the Lord is a gift and an on-going process, we are reminded through these images of how God shapes, molds, stretches, and refines us.

Our intention is that every detail in this guide points you to the Lord, even the chosen art.

13

SERMON NOTES & RESOURCES

25 A GOSPEL CORRECTION INTERVIEW

43 HEART STORIES

77 FAMILY STORIES

101 PRAYERS FROM THE BIBLE

EDITOR’S NOTE

Turns out, sharing a personal testimony of gospel correction in my life is a tricky thing.

In preparing my mind to sit down and write this note, I waded through plenty of experiences in which I was wrong and needed correction. I hate being wrong, which is a bummer, because I’m wrong a lot, so the well of examples to choose from runs pretty deep. However, after many drafts and long walks for clarity, God did shed light on the focus for this final draft. Surprisingly, it had nothing to do with any situation in which I needed correction because I was wrong; rather, I felt the Lord moving me to share an experience about me needing gospel correction when I was in the right.

I was blindsided a few days back when a friend of mine brought something to my attention: a mutual acquaintance of ours had pulled my friend aside to share some hurt feelings of hers. This woman told my friend that I had done something to deeply wound her and that I have continued doing things to deepen this wound for a month now.

Upon hearing this, I was shocked, befuddled, sad, confused, hurt—truly gobsmacked. I didn’t even know what to think. While I knew it was all one magnificent misunderstanding, my brain was stunned. Not only was someone upset with me, but I couldn’t figure out why, and on top of that, rather than addressing it with me, she was talking about it to others. She was speaking ill of me and sullying my name.

My brain began to thaw and my confusion faded as anger seeped in. I went into defense mode with my friend, nearly yelling at her in an attempt to prove that the other person was immature and crazy. On the drive home, I was piping hot. I called the woman to address it head-on. No answer. I shot her a very stern text telling her to call me at her earliest convenience. No emojis. When she finally called back, I was shaking.

For the next 45 minutes, we went back and forth. It turns out that a month ago there was a miscommunication be-

tween us. Instead of texting or calling me for clarification, she made assumptions about me and allowed it to build and build. Any interactions she had with me were tainted because I was oblivious to her hurt and the tension grew. All the while, I had no clue.

To her credit, she apologized at the end for all of it. She’s going through a lot in her life, and she admitted she had handled this situation with me poorly. I accepted her apology. But I soon realized that the end of our conversation marked the beginning of the Lord’s correction of me over this situation.

Even though I was right and this other person was wrong, I still badly needed gospel correction. I prioritized clearing my name over how I could use this opportunity to glorify the only Name that matters. I spoke indignantly and sternly to a person whose soul needed truth and grace. I shot my mouth off to her before praying for her. I may have been right, but really, I was wrong.

My story is much like where we are as a culture right now. Everything feels divisive and tense and everybody thinks their side is right and the other side is, well, evil. We are all up against a brutal presidential campaign in the coming months in which there is the temptation to cling to our silos. Most of us have mentally crossed our arms and planted our flag firmly into the ground which we have decided is the “right side of history.”

But is being right all there is to it? My experience tells me no.

How fruitful it is that our church family will be walking together through a four-week series on gospel correction. We all need a refresher on what gospel correction is and its application according to how the Bible prescribes. We need the reminder that being right should not be weaponized but seen as an opportunity to glorify our good God and His mercy and love. We need the encouragement to not bury our head in the sand either but, with a grace-filled heart, speak truth into darkness.

At the root of our heart’s desire to be right is selfishness which requires correction. God used this time of correction in my life to slowly pivot my heart away from myself and center it where it belongs: on Him. His correction helped shift my focus from my reputation back to Him and making Him known. This gospel correction reminded me that my name is not great, but His is. He alone is worthy of praise. Gospel correction reorients our hearts back to His. What a gift.

And yet, at the time, it hardly feels like a gift. Facing the fact that you are in the wrong smarts horribly. Gospel corrections steps all over your toes. Maybe you feel dumb, silly, or enraged. None of it feels good. The Refiner’s fire burns hot, but it’s necessary for spiritual growth. What a paradox.

Through the cross, Jesus has earned the right to correct. Also through the cross, Jesus proved His love for us in that while we were still a mess, He died for us, meaning He will correct us out of utmost love and care. We can trust His correction. What a Savior.

In His unfathomable love for us, God doesn’t leave us in our wrongdoing to see how it all shakes out. He pulls us out of the pit and into the marvelous light, exposing our darkness to the truth and holding us close while we heal and grow then flourish. May we all remember this during seasons of refinement.

-Tricia Butts

“The furnace of affliction in the family of God is always for refinement, never for destruction.”

John Piper

GREEK

DEFINITIONS

Resource: Strong’s Concordance

epanorthósis: correction

Original Word: ἐπανόρθωσις, εως, ἡ

Transliteration: epanorthósis

Phonetic Spelling: (ep-an-or’-tho-sis)

Definition: correction

Usage: correction, reformation, setting straight (right) again.

2 Timothy 3:16 - All Scripture is breathed out by God and profitable for teaching, for reproof, for correction, and for training in righteousness.

agón: conflict

Original Word: ἀγών, ῶνος, ὁ

Transliteration: agón

Phonetic Spelling: (ag-one’)

Definition: struggle; fight

Usage: a struggle (in the soul).

English root word: agony; agonize

1 Thessalonians 2:2 - But though we had already suffered and been shamefully treated at Philippi, as you know, we had boldness in our God to declare to you the gospel of God in the midst of much conflict.

atallassó: to reconcile

Original Word: καταλλάσσω

Transliteration: katallassó

Phonetic Spelling: (kat-al-las’-so)

Definition: to reconcile

Usage: change from enmity to friendship; reconcile

Romans 5:10 - For if while we were enemies we were reconciled to God by the death of his Son, much more, now that we are reconciled, shall we be saved by his life.

parakaleó: to call to or for, to exhort, to encourage

Original Word: παρακαλέω

Transliteration: parakaleó

Phonetic Spelling: (par-ak-al-eh’-o)

Definition: to call to or for, to exhort, to encourage

Usage: a struggle (in the soul).

English root word: send for, summon, invite; beseech, entreat, beg; admonish; comfort, encourage, console

Luke 3:18 - So with many other exhortations he preached good news to the people.

elegxis: rebuke, reproof, refutation

Original Word: ἔλεγξις, εως, ἡ

Transliteration: elegxis

Phonetic Spelling: (el’-eng-xis)

Definition: reproof

Usage: rebuke, reproof, refutation.

Psalm 6:1 - O Lord, rebuke me not in your anger, nor discipline me in your wrath.

WEEK ONE

SERMON NOTES

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WEEK TWO

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WEEK THREE

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WEEK FOUR

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RESOURCES

Habits of Grace

(Chapter 18: Embracing Rebuke)

By: David Mathis

Christ-Centered Conflict Resolution

By: Tony Merida

Love The Ones Who Drive You Crazy

By: Jamie Dunlop

Relationships: A Mess Worth Making

By: Timothy Lane and Paul David Tripp

“For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it.”

HEBREWS 12:11

BY JOSH PEPPER

Gene Gordon is a delight. Just ask my four-year-old son. The connection they share and the laughter they experience together is a sight to behold. Watching that 63-year-old man crawl on his stomach in my yard, playing with a John Deere Tractor toy he brought for John Clayton, you would never guess that this kind, gentle man was not like this, even five years ago; that somewhere between his childhood growing up in a broken home in New Jersey and his current life in Baldwin County, the Lord grabbed hold of this man’s heart and wrestled it into submission.

didn’t know what to make of Gene when I first met him some three years ago. Gene was a charter member of the Mars HillFairhope chapter of Fraternal Life. Connected by Joe Langley, Stephen Zeurcher and I met and decided that Fraternal Life was important enough an endeavor that we would undertake the task of facilitating the group ourselves. From the beginning, Gene was there, mostly reserved and clearly skeptical about this men’s group. His New Jersey way of communicating was as blunt as a Louisville Slugger, and my Southern sensibilities didn’t entirely know what to make of him. It didn’t take a psychiatrist to see that Gene was depressed, and when he did open up about his life, there was so much regret and shame. I didn’t know him well, but I knew depression like an old friend, and seeing another man wrestle with demons I know by name caused me to grow fond of Gene. Slowly, a connection was formed as he settled into the uncomfortable routine of community.

Gene was born and raised in New Jersey. A child of the 70’s, his parents divorced when Gene was in the 4th grade. Gene speaks of this time in his life as being a time of uncertainty and fear. “It just devastated me,” he recalls. He began to act out in the following years, and by the time he was in the seventh grade, his mother and stepfather were sending him to counselors and psychiatrists due to his increasing behavioral issues at home and school. “During that time, I went off the deep end. Drinking. Drugs. Stealing anything and everything that wasn’t tied down to sell. I really didn’t care if I got caught, because I knew there were no ramifications. And so I got my butt whooped, and I went back out and did the same thing again.”

“At home,” Gene says, “correction was fear and intimidation.”

One of the bright spots in Gene’s childhood came in the unlikely form of a home for widowed women from the mission field. While home was a place of turmoil and frustration, he speaks of these women with tenderness and a palpable fondness. “I used to go over and talk to these women and they’d tell

me all the fantastic, amazing adventures and travels that they had experienced. And then they would throw in Bible verses and Bible stories. And I just endured that to get to the ‘good stuff.’ They constantly were telling me, you know, ‘I’m praying for you, Gene.’” Even as a rebellious youth, Gene understood something was different about his time with these women. “When I spoke with these women, there was no fear and intimidation. It was love, kindness, and compassion. It was a day and night difference. And I didn’t realize it at the time because I was a young, dumb kid and didn’t comprehend it. But that’s part of the reason I was drawn to them because I felt like it was important. I felt like I mattered.”

It would be wonderful to tell you at this point that Gene came to know the Lord and his life changed for the better, but the reality is, that Gene’s salvation wouldn’t occur for nearly 20 more years. I could fill a book with anecdotes of Gene’s youth. Sneaking into New York City to see punk rock shows, starting bar fights for fun, and a particular story of stealing a pig by using a Volkswagon Bug that is best heard in person and will leave you struggling to breathe with laughter.

When Gene describes his behavior as a young man, he simply says, “I was very adept at hiding.”

Having never learned to process his emotions, Gene managed his daily mood with a steady stream of alcohol and drugs and kept his true feelings buried deep down. He didn’t graduate from high school; instead, he was kicked out of school for his behavior. He went to a vocational school and began working as an HVAC technician. Later on, Gene would work as a mechanic, restore cars, and for a time, travel with a racing team as part of their crew.

In his early 20s, Gene married and began a family. His son came along when he was 25, and his daughter not long after. “I was a terrible dad. I had no idea. I was so self-centered and involved with all the things I was doing with the racing and all that. And because my parents got divorced when I was so young, I had no idea how to be a good dad because I had no model to follow.”

When asked what he regrets about his time as a father with children at home, Gene simply says, “I was there sometimes physically, but emotionally and every other possible way I wasn’t there at all. I didn’t support my kids. I didn’t love them in a nurturing kind of way. I can think of one or two times maybe when I sat down with them, gave them a hug, and told them I loved them and was proud. I regret disciplining the way I was disciplined by giving them a smack on the butt and yelling at them and thinking that’s going to fix stuff, instead of sitting down and having a discussion about their actions and why we don’t do that, and here’s a better way of doing it, the way it should be done.”

His selfish behavior culminated in an extramarital affair when his children were six and four years of age. “I lost a job because of that. We ended up literally homeless. It was a mess. And I ended up living in the basement at my father’s house.” Gene says that even at the low point in his life, his father just wanted to be his friend, but didn’t try to correct or challenge his behavior. Gene would remain lost in his behavior, disconnected from his children, and desperately trying to fill the void in his life for years to come.

When he was 35, Gene came to know the Lord, and while he doesn’t describe it as a “Road to Damascus” experience, I believe it is just as miraculous a sto-

ry. Unknown to him, the Lord was stirring his wife Stacie’s heart. At the same time, Gene began to feel as though the Lord was calling to him. “I never said anything to Stacie about it because we always teased my sister. She was the crazy Jesus freak. So I didn’t want to say anything to her.” Eventually, Gene spoke up and he and Stacie came to know the Lord together. Speaking of his sister, Gene says, “She was praying for me the whole time. I called her up one day and said, ‘Do you still go to church?’ and she said, ‘You know I still go to church, why are you asking me this?’ And I said, ‘Do me a favor, stop by the house and pick us up. We want to go to church with you.’ And I heard the phone drop and she’s crying.”

Mr. Gene and children in 1994.

“When I became saved, all of a sudden, I learned two valuable lessons. The first thing was all those obscure Bible stories (from the missionaries) came into focus, and they made sense. It’s like, wow, I understand what those women were conveying to me and what they were telling me. And the second more important thing was the power of prayer and the importance of being persistent and faithful in prayer.”

Both his sister and those missionaries faithfully covered Gene in prayer for years. “I know that those women all died and went home without seeing any fruit from their labor, so to speak. But that didn’t stop them.”

Even though Gene and Stacie were experiencing newfound life and change, the damage done from years of absence and neglect had taken a toll on Gene’s relationship with his children, especially his daughter. “She was a miniature me. She dropped out of school. She was having so much trouble in school. She ran away when she was 15, and she was gone for months. And I blamed myself for it because there was no support for her at home. She moved out and she was in and out of the house, mainly out of the house, living with different people and whatnot. From the

time she was 16 until just recently, within the last five years, we didn’t even speak to each other. The relationship was that fractured.” In total, Gene would not speak to his daughter for 10 years.

Around the same time that he and Stacie moved to Baldwin County, Gene describes the work the Lord was doing in his life, and how he began to desire reconnection with his daughter. “It was a long process because there was a lot of junk in my life that needed to be cleaned up before I could do that. So the Lord just opened one closet at a time and just threw out all the junk. Eventually, we got to the point where I was a functioning human enough that I could maybe start having a relationship with another person besides myself.”

Gene says that he can’t point to a single event that marks a turning point in their relationship. Instead, he describes their relationship change as a series of small steps. “I went up to New Jersey and helped her move down to Texas. I was able to be there for her. And I had kind of a captive audience in the truck. I was actually able to have a conversation with her. And it was hard because I’d never done it before, be vulnerable and open to her.”

“Was she receptive?” I asked.

“No, no, no, no. She was like, ‘Who are you and what did you do with my father?’ She was just so taken aback because Dad doesn’t talk like this.” Moving from Texas to Portland, Oregon, Gene’s daughter would remain distant for some time longer.

It was during this time that Gene began attending Fraternal Life. According to Gene, “Even at that point when I started Fraternal, I was still... My daughter and I were still... We were talking, but there was no deep connection.”

At the heart of Fraternal Life is a desire to form deep, meaningful, honest relationships with other men in the church. From the start, Stephen and I desired to create an environment where men felt comfortable expressing their emotions, admitting their shortcomings, and sharing their struggles, and where they found no shame in their actions, but instead encountered grace, compassion, and most importantly, a sense that we all walk with a limp. I found myself repeatedly saying, “It’s OK, to not be OK. It’s OK not to know what to say, what to do, and even what to feel.”

Gene likes to tease me about introducing him to “the wheel of torture,” an emotions wheel I use to identify those hard-to-understand emotions I encounter daily. “The emotions wheel. That was big for me. Because I didn’t know what I was feeling. Now, I was having to express it, and through the support of all the guys there, I was able to dive in and figure out how my past affects me now. And how am I going to deal with this? Because I can’t keep going like I am.” Slowly, I began to see Gene grow. When we first spoke about emotions and how past experiences shape current behaviors, I could see him change the channel in his mind and go to a different place. But now, he was asking questions and eventually, opening himself to us. His courage to be vulnerable and honest was stunning. For Gene and his relationship with his daughter, this is where the true change began. “How I dealt with all my trauma was the barrier,” he admits.

“That group is a fundamental foundation for the growth of my relationship with my daughter without a doubt. Because I could understand what I was feeling and how the past things in my life affected my relationship with her. And I know her past. So I knew this event or that event, how that was a barricade and how we’re going to break that barricade open so we could go through.”

One Thursday night at Fraternal, Gene told us he was driving a Volvo he had been working on from Alabama to Oregon to give to his daughter because she needed a car. I remember being amazed. We knew the history of their relationship well. This gesture was a profound example of the change in his heart and the love he was beginning to demonstrate to his daughter. (Further illustrating that Gene is one of the coolest people I know, his plan to get home was to buy a motorcycle in Oregon and ride it back. Which he did.)

As a group, we continued to pray for Gene and his daughter, and months after that trip to Oregon, Gene had another announcement for the group. He was going out to Oregon to help his daughter pack up her belongings, and he was bringing her home! He describes that trip with laughter and fondness. Three days of cross-country driving in the cab of a U-Haul truck with a cat in a crate and a 120lb dog between them. His captive audience heard his testimony. “How this new person that she’s seeing was… it wasn’t my doing. I had nothing to do with it. You know, it was through God, God’s Word, my relationship with the people in the church. That’s what changed me.”

Gospel correction, church discipline, whatever you call it, is a difficult topic for most of us to discuss.

Modern church culture has taken correction to one of two extremes. One is leaders who abuse their position and crush people under the weight of Scripture used to shame; where obedience is expected in order to be accepted. The other extreme is a complete neglect of correction—not wanting to upset people or the fear of driving them away from the church by pointing out their faults or failures.

In the middle is gospel correction, propagated by God’s Word and gospel community. Second Timothy 3:16-17 reminds us that it is God’s Word that is “profitable for teaching, for reproof, for correction.” It is through the Word that the Holy Spirit points out our need for correction and teaches us how to live our lives. When believers measure their lives by Scripture, the Holy Spirit convicts and corrects. The Word shows us where we are out of alignment (Reproof), and how to bring ourselves back into alignment (Correction).

Another characteristic of gospel correction is biblical community. Hebrews 3:12-13 calls for us to “exhort one another every day, as long as it is called “today,” that none of you may be hardened by the deceitfulness of sin.” What a wonderful gift that we do not have to travel this journey alone! God gives us other believers to encourage us and show us where we err.

Shannon and Mr. Gene, current.

According to Gene, it was this faithfulness, week after week, that resulted in the greatest change in his life. “The examples of all the guys who sat being honest and open, made a huge difference in my life. And the encouragement is so good. I have even come to embrace the correction,” Gene says. The men in Fraternal Life witnessed the culmination of 50 years of faithfulness from others, and the consistent pursuit of a God who doesn’t leave His children in their brokenness, but gives us His Word and His people to guide us.

And in a beautiful picture of the gospel, last Father’s Day, Gene sat in his daughter’s apartment in Pensacola and ate like a king. She cooked him his favorite meal, and they spent the day enjoying being together, reconnecting, and building a new chapter of their lives together.

For more information about being a part of Fraternal Life at Mars Hill Church, email joe@ pomh.org.

Written by Josh Pepper, covenant member of Mars Hill Church- Fairhope.

FIRED BUT NOT FORGOTTEN

BY RHONDA CALHOUN

In June 2019 I was fired from my job of nine years. The job that provided me and my husband with medical insurance! I loved the people I supported and most of my co-workers, but no love was lost between me and my supervisor. I was 55 years old and had never been fired from a job. I was completely blindsided and devastated. I had worked since I was 16 years old and to suddenly have no job was totally foreign to me.

I HAD to do something, so I immediately jumped into action…writing letters to HR, making an appointment with an attorney, and filing for unemployment, all of which I’d never done in my entire career. I wanted everyone to know just how wrong this was and how awful I had been treated. I was told by the attorney that Alabama is a “no-fault” state, but I probably had a good case. However, I would need to prove age and/or sexual discrimination to win. He also let me know that going up against a “community powerhouse” would be a long, arduous process and, even if I won, I would probably never work again in my field, especially in this geographical area. It was so unfair. I was shocked, hurt and very angry. Why, Lord? Why did You let this happen to me? How could You let this corrupt person get away with this, Lord? How could You let them win?

At that point, I switched my focus. What was done was done. My action plan was then to find a new job and find it quickly. I started applying for jobs, sending my resume to any and everyone I could think of, updating my LinkedIn profile, creating an Indeed profile, etc. I was on a mission!

I got to do things that I would not have been able to do had I been employed. I got to visit three of my sisters in Arkansas, sit on the front porch and talk with them, and paint baseboards for one of them. I visited another sister in St. Louis and helped her pack and get ready to move from her home of 30+ years. I got to help Joe Langley and others in our church family get a house ready for Brian and Sarah Argo to move into as they came off the mission field. I was in “my element” and I loved every minute of it. I love painting, remodeling, decorating, and organizing. The Lord knows that about me! He provided those things just for me, to slow me down, and He gave me things to do that I enjoyed and chances to spend time with people I love.

That Bible story was the very one the Lord used to speak to me in a way that I never expected and with a part of the story I had never noticed before. John 6:10-11 says, “Jesus said, ‘Have the people sit down’. …Jesus then took the loaves, gave thanks, and distributed to those who were seated.” I read the passage several times and the Holy Spirit led me to see these verses in a whole new way. Jesus told the people to “sit down” and He gave to “THOSE WHO WERE SEATED.” Those last four words leaped off the page. He gave to those who were seated. He gave to those who obeyed His instruction. I sensed the Holy Spirit telling me very clearly, “Sit down.” The choice was still mine… do I

obey or do I continue doing what I’m doing? That night, I decided to sit down. Did I stop? No. I continued to do my due diligence, but I DID quit striving and trying to make things happen in my time.

I was unemployed for five months. A meal was never missed; a house payment or any other bill was never left unpaid and there were no visits to the doctor for either me or my husband during that time. The Lord provided in ways I never imagined. The Lord used His people to bless and sustain us. That was one of my best summers! The only summer since my teens that I had not had a full-time job, and I loved it!

After a wonderful summer, He gave me the “cherry on top”…a new job and one I didn’t even remember applying for! It came with great benefits and compensation that wasn’t even on my radar. And my first day on the job just happened to be on my birthday! What a gift!

But I was given more than a new job, I was given a new perspective.

Thank You, Father! May I never forget to “sit down” with YOU. To listen and obey You, especially in trials when all I can see is the impossible circumstances encircling me. You know me, You love me, and You have the best for me. Always.

“For the gospel is the one great permanent circumstance in which I live and move; and every hardship in my life is allowed by God only because it serves His gospel purposes in me.”

VINCENT

MILTON

TRUE CORRECTION

BY TREY MCCRORY

Being corrected by my earthly dad and by my Heavenly Father are two different experiences.

Getting in trouble and receiving a whipping was my emotion as a boy. I seemed to always draw my dad’s belt off his waist for him to straighten me up. The teachers at school, the principal, and the church workers were all given permission to spank and correct me as a boy.

I remember this because we moved a lot with dad being a pastor. It seems we would be someplace for two years tops. My childhood was transition. I remember my dad meeting my new teachers and giving them permission to punish me. I felt like an airless dummy in those times.

What hurt even more was my mom, as tender as she was, would get on to me and whip me. And if I didn’t react right she would threaten me with, “Wait until your dad gets home.” Then I would beg and break down in tears for her not to. This is how it felt in my body.

Growing up in a preacher’s home was all about behavior and how we looked to others around us. With dad, a minister, and mom, a secretary for the city commerce, I had to “keep my nose clean.” I’m sad to say all my discipline was shame, guilt, and conditional belonging for me to feel accepted, loved, and as if I belonged. This was true at home, church, and school.

This atmosphere made me hyper-vigilant and a people pleaser. Not used to being engaged with empathy and compassion, I learned or picked up how to be with people without getting in trouble or standing out. I went through school and my first marriage like this. I was involved in church and a career really for everybody else, just so I could keep existing without getting in trouble.

Did I mention the “gospel” I grew up under was a God that will destroy the bad people and “rapture” the good? I spent three years after my divorce staring at the sky waiting for Jesus to come rescue me. According to the gospel of this culture we as followers were not to suffer, but be “free” from suffering; we were told He would rescue us before it got too bad. Well, it was really bad, and I was broken. My dad had passed away at this point, and I was still looking for a father figure.

In that season of my life, I would spend extended times in prayer, solitude, reading scripture, and worship, working through my defragmentation. In that time GodTrinity taught me my identity in Him and He in me and matured me to feel more grounded and unshakable in my inner core.

After a couple years of GodTrinity forging my identity in Him through the Word and a friend relationship, I began to see others differently and approach people differently.

I remember one night, on a weekend after the divorce, the kids were at the house and Andy, who was eight, was acting rowdy and extra and he had also been getting in trouble at school. Instead of coming at him with harsh discipline and a belt, I invited him to the front porch steps that eve and began to teach him about Identity. I taught him his name Andrew means strong and manly, and that he doesn’t have to prove himself to others. That GodTrinity is in him and to look for the weak and broken in the room to be with them, and to serve others. We talked about how, if Christ is in me and in you, we were never separate but in Christ, forever.

Identity and Being became my new way of life.

Gospel correction in my life is ongoing. Jesus is in my heart, but PaPa is in my bones. After feeling strongly about a statement a brother said, I had a response that was matching in nature as harsh. After that meeting, a brother in Christ called and invited me to see the picture as a whole. He spoke into my gifting and identity and encouraged me to attune and have empathy. I was able to see my brother and myself rightly because of the one bringing the correction. I felt seen and stronger being invited to be part of my healing and reaching out and asking forgiveness for my harshness toward him. An opportunity to repair where I have possibly hurt another is priceless.

There was no shame, guilt, or conditional belonging here, just love compassion and understanding. Gospel correction is an invitation to wholeness.

“Gospel correction is an invitation to wholeness.”

-Trey McCrory

“I have never met a person I could despair of, or lose all hope for, after discerning what lies in me apart from the grace of God.”

OSWALD CHAMBERS

LEARNING TO LOOK THROUGH GOD’S LENS

BY DREXELL SULLIVAN

My husband, Mike, was born with a servant’s heart.

He was always drawn to the grouchy old person, the skinny kid who never got chosen to play, and the three-legged dog. He was the second oldest of ten children, and his mother said he always brought someone home for lunch on fish day.

When I met him, he had been married and divorced, served in the US Army in Thailand, fathered two girls, and was active in AA. He finished his undergraduate degree in Criminal Justice but was drawn toward counseling. He felt that numerous crimes committed were due to addiction. If these folks could be treated for addictions, then families and communities would greatly benefit. He was confident God had saved him for this purpose. After achieving a master’s degree in counseling and working for a stint at the University of South Alabama, he was asked to join an outstanding organization in town. He would collaborate with individuals as well as teach substance prevention and intervention to local schools and businesses. Mike was offered a handsome salary, and we both felt this was his dream job.

For the next almost 20 years Mike worked 12-15 hours a day. The kids and I coped with his absence and became increasingly unhappy and depressed due to his work environment. The work was never a problem, but his director set an example of backbiting, jealousy, conniving, and mistrust. She employed techniques such as “the silent treatment,” gossip, and pitted one employee against the other. She fired some and some left. Others tolerated the abuse because they needed the money.

Mike worked in a predominantly female setting. It was common for him to be asked to put up shelves, build and fix things, plow a garden, or bury a pet. Above and beyond… yes, that is who he is. On a call to help with something, Mike was ambushed by coworkers he called friends. They accused him of relapsing and insisted he go into rehab or he would be fired. No drug test was performed.

The next day Mike paid for a comprehensive drug test that was totally negative. After 17 years of stellar employment, he was released with the rumor of relapse. He applied at several institutions in his field and was denied an interview or meeting as his reputation had been sullied beyond repair and his director was a powerful woman.

During this time, my despair was overwhelming. Fortunately, we had been attending Mars Hill for a few years, and I was part of an extraordinary small group. These saints not only supported me but reminded me of God’s character and His promises I had forgotten.

I pleaded with God to restore my husband. How could You allow such betrayal to a good man? He reminded me He allowed His only son to be betrayed and crucified to save mankind. He has a plan for Mike for our good.

How are we going to get by? God provides for the birds and flowers, and He loves you more. Mike and I received meals and anonymous contributions in cash.

How do I appease our bill collectors? We were referred to someone who helped us with a plan for Mike to retire early.

Will Mike be able to get a job? Mike helped our youngest daughter for several years through a terrible bout with postpartum depression and helped her with her young sons.

Those relationships are thriving today. We are relishing in our retirement. Pastor Jack Hester has taught me to resist looking at circumstances through my own lens and to instead try to look through God’s lens. At the weakest point in my faith, but for God.

“My hope lives not because I am not a sinner, but because I am a sinner for whom Christ died; my trust is not that I am holy, but that being unholy, HE is my righteousness. My faith rests not upon what I am or shall be or feel or know, but in what Christ is, in what He has done, and in what He is now doing for me. Hallelujah.”

CHARLES SPURGEON

RICHES IN REBUKE

BY CLIFFORD WAITE

I am so thankful for the Lord’s corrections. Do they hurt sometimes? I would be lying if I said they didn’t. At times, it does hurt. At other times it’s just a soft voice that opens my mind to a viewpoint I never thought of and changes my actions instantly.

There have been two corrections the Lord has implemented in my life that I think about on a weekly basis. The first concerns money. I honestly did not know that money, or rather greed, had a grip on my life and faith. I assumed the thoughts I had were normal.

To be honest, I did not recognize my thoughts dealt that much with money in the first place. Maybe you have thought something like this before as well. Thoughts like, ”Why in the world did they need to spend all that money on that car?” Or, “Do they really need another house that is even bigger? That is such a waste.”

Then on the other side of the money spectrum, there would be judgmental thoughts about the poor. I found myself subconsciously judging those who had more than me and looking down on those who had less.

Then came Timothy Keller. I was listening to one of his sermons back in 2015 and the Lord used him to completely humble me. He was talking about a sermon series he once taught on concerning the seven deadly sins. The church was packed during every sermon about each sin until the one on greed came. Everyone will quickly confess they have struggled with pride, lust, envy, anger (or wrath), and slothfulness, but when it comes to greed we quickly think of someone else who falls into that trap. Rarely does someone say they are, in fact, greedy.

I cannot find the exact quote but it went something like this, “You know that money has a hold on you when you judge those who have more and look down on those who have less.” I was listening to this sermon while I was out picking up and delivering clients’ clothes in a very wealthy part of Mobile; the Lord stopped me in my tracks, and through His Spirit said to me, “That’s you.”

I was stunned and caught red-handed. I was humbled that day and taught such a valuable lesson. Those high and mighty judgmental thoughts were actually coming from my greed. I secretly wanted to have more, and I was proud of where I was and how far I had come with my wealth. Which is greed.

The Lord has taught me I am called to steward the money He has given to advance His Kingdom and love His people. It is not my wealth. A steward of someone else’s money is not rich. It is His! It is not mine.

The second lesson came about one day while I was driving, and a man was walking in the middle of the road rather than on the sidewalk only 10 feet to his right. I was so annoyed and even angry.

“Why in the world is he walking on the road!? Just get on the sidewalk! You could easily cause a wreck... so ridiculous.”

As I quickly got around him and looked back in my mirror, I saw him talking to himself very intensely and the Lord whispered to me, “That could have been Bryant”.

(Backstory real quick, some of our close friends adopted a child at birth whose mother was on drugs and Bryant now has some mental disabilities. He is the sweetest boy in the world, but without a loving family who can guide and parent him, Bryant would have had a very different life.)

Immediately, I mean instantaneously, I had an overwhelming emotion of compassion for this man. Thoughts of sympathy rather than judgment started coming into my mind, like “What happened in his life that got him to this place?” I started praying for him rather than being angry and annoyed. It dramatically changed my view of people who might have otherwise annoyed me while I was driving or who would approach at a stoplight asking for money.

There have been innumerable other corrections the Lord has brought into my life since I have been following Him the last 21 years, many of them took years before I knew what the Lord was trying to say to me. My prayer for you reading this is that you will be open to what the Lord is speaking into your life to change you more into the image of His Son. We have a loving Father “who began a good work in you [and He] will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ” (Philippians 1:6).

“But now, O Lord, You are our Father; we are the clay, and You are our potter; we are all the work of Your hand.”

ISAIAH 64:8

WITH PRUNING, JOY COMES

BY CRYS HATCHER

I hear my sister Gina’s voice from decades ago, “Repeat after me: ‘Pruning is a good thing.’”

As I press in to know Him–really know Him in the pursuit of holiness and dying to my flesh—God has dropped this truth back into my heart at various times through the years, and the Holy Spirit lovingly shines a spotlight on areas of my life in need of correction. He is so faithful not to condemn but to convict–in one area at a time.

“Pruning is a good thing.”

As I walk with Jesus, desiring to yield my will to His alone and more fully bear His image in word and deed, God’s Word continually sheds light on areas of my life that need pruning. I desire, more and more, for God’s Word of Truth to bring correction, so that I may “judge” myself (1 Corinthians 11:31-32).

In recent months, I have begun to press in with an even deeper desire to clearly recognize the Holy Spirit’s voice each and every day. During the second week of Advent 2023 at Mars, Joseph’s story in chapter one of Matthew struck me. The Lord spoke to him, Joseph listened to a truth beyond his human capacity to understand, yet he believed and obeyed. As I reflected on Monday’s devotional that week, this desire to really hear the Spirit’s voice was stirred within me–to hear Him, believe without question, and walk out what He says more readily. That morning, I wrote, “Help me seek Your Holy Spirit promptings. Help me hear!”

A few hours later, I left to go to the grocery store and had a split-second thought, “Where is your debit card?” I passed it off as my typical habit of second-guessing myself and moved on. Once I arrived at the store and looked for the card, sure enough, I could not find it. Thankfully I had another means of payment, but panic welled up. I began the search–first looking at the bank account to make sure it was secure, then searching through areas in my purse and the car, and calling the last place of business where it was used, etc. No card.

Once I arrived back at home, I remembered the split-second thought, “Where is your debit card?” Lord, was that Your voice? Initially, I laughed out loud knowing that He knew exactly where the card was, and I found it within about five minutes. But then what I had written that very morning hit me. I missed His prompting. He was faithful to speak, but I missed it. I didn’t recognize the voice of the Holy Spirit. My chuckling about the seemingly silly situation turned into remorse. I immediately buried my face in repentance for ignoring His voice–not even recognizing it as His—and humbly sought His forgiveness and correction.

How gracious—beyond my ability to comprehend! The Creator of the Universe loves me so intimately, that He graciously used a simple situation with a debit card to show me that there are things in my life hindering me from recognizing His Voice. Oh, Lord, I want to lose my life for Your sake – less of me, more of You (Luke 9:24).

So, why did I miss it, Lord? That began to be my prayer–that He would shed light on the areas in my life that distract my thoughts from listening to Him–listening for Him—knowing it is Him. As a young adult, John 12:24 became one of the most profound verses in my life and God brings it to mind often, “Unless a kernel of wheat falls into the ground and dies, it abides alone; but if it dies, it brings forth much fruit.” Lord, what else needs to die in my life so I can hear Your Voice? What else do I need to lay down for Your sake? Lead me into a fasted life and purge me from fleshly desires and time wasted–foods that I don’t need, too much screen time, unfruitful thoughts of doubt and worry, etc. “Noise” that distracts.

My flesh is stronger than I would like to admit, and I am totally reliant on the Holy Spirit to enable discipline so that I readily obey when He says, “Let it go!” It even hurts and tends to make me irritable sometimes as I strive to break habits, but day by day, joy comes. The more I am freed in Jesus from this body of death, joy comes! His Word convicts and saves and delivers and sets free to purify unto holiness in Christ. Through His Word, I have become more intentional to daily step into the flow of the Holy Spirit and listen for His clear direction that speaks, “This is the way; walk in it” (Isaiah 30:21).

Praise the Name of the Lord Jesus Christ!

“Pruning is a good thing!”

“I am the true vine, and my Father is the vinedresser. Every branch in Me that does not bear fruit He takes away, and every branch that does bear fruit He prunes, that it may bear more fruit.”

JOHN 15:1-2

THIS ONE GOES OUT TO...

BY MOLLY BRODERS

What do you get when two stubborn, strong-willed, determined adults marry and have children?

No, this isn’t a riddle. It’s the truth of our journey of faith formation with our two. It isn’t a typical evangelical story of warm fuzzies and kumbayah, and as you can already tell, I’m not much for sugarcoating things. For these reasons and with REM (a late 80s/early 90s band) playing in my head, I write/ sing, “This one goes out to the ones (I love) with strong-willed, determined children.”

If you listen to our parents tell stories about our childhoods, you immediately get the sense that Chris and I weren’t the easiest to raise. Phrases like, “Grandmama used to say she’s the kind of kid you could beat to death, and she wouldn’t change her mind” or “Yeah, we spent a lot of time in the principal’s office” lend the listener to such a deduction. But, both our parents proved to be full of grace and perseverance, and they successfully launched us into adulthood. Thankfully, they don’t retell too many of those stories too often.

When Chris and I first met, I was beginning what would turn into an 11-year

position as Youth Minister/Christian Education Director at a local church. Our two children, Hannah and Hampton, were birthed into and saturated with the precious community that formed around that ministry, and their faith formation was profoundly impacted by it in the early years. Sharing the Gospel was something we did all the time with students and church members and thus with our own.

We were also involved in Bible Study Fellowship (BSF) and would take both of them to weekly classes. They were steeped in the Word and had an unusual depth of knowledge of the Scriptures. As their parents, we prayed with them every morning on the way to school, at night before bed, before meals, and throughout the day as opportunities arose. We encouraged them to have a quiet time in the mornings by buying them “special notebooks,” instructing them on ways to connect to God and modeling it for them. In the summers, we would begin the day with a Bible lesson on the back porch that included memorizing the books of the Bible or Scripture passages. In fact, I’m fairly certain that the first unwanted pencil marks on our walls began with the words, “Blessed are the peacemakers...”

When they were little, our car conversations often turned to spiritual matters. I have a specific memory of 4-year-old Hampton (he’s now 17) asking me if it was wrong to hate the devil. He explained that he understood that as a believer he wasn’t supposed to hate anyone, and he was supposed to love his enemy. BUT, the devil was an enemy of God. Was there an exception? I remember thinking that my 4-yearold was stretching my theology as we drove to the pool for a summer afternoon swim.

At an early age, both of our children were able to articulate their faith in Jesus Christ and that they had a living, dynamic relationship with Him. Good stuff, right? But, the teenage years of faith formation have proven to be a bit more scruffy. As they have grown so have their strong-willed propensities. Take a girl who at 18 months would get mad and hold her breath until she passed out and then add hormones. Are you following me? Chris and I are equally resolute, and thus our efforts to shape, guide and train our two into responsible, capable young adults, have often

caused us to lock horns. We’ve all been known to lose our tempers, say irrational things, and want to throw in the towel altogether. We’ve butted heads, cried out to God, and wondered where we went wrong. We often don’t know what to do with all our big feelings. For at least a year or more, I completely believed the enemy’s lie that my failures as a parent disqualified me as a witness for Jesus. The difficulties of parenting have, at times, caused me to shrink back and isolate. I’ve struggled. I’ve learned that shame and regret are powerful forces in the spiritual realm, and I have more familiarity with them than I care to admit. I’ve questioned God more times than I can count as to why He saw fit to grant two strongwilled children to two strong-willed parents. Don’t you know that’s a recipe for disaster?!?!? Our story is not a collage of feel-good Facebook posts. It’s been pocked by some really hard times.

But alas, the Savior of the “Sons of Thunder” is the same yesterday, today and forever (Hebrews 13:8). He has proved faithful in action and grace in this “Family of Thunder.”

He is still drawing, still forgiving, still beckoning, still doing a work sanctifying. He has drenched all of our failures in the redeeming power of His blood, and thus has not judged us a liability to the kingdom. He hasn’t given up on us. His voice still invites us to sit, to draw near, to soak in, to endure, and to begin again. Because of Jesus, we press on as parents of these precious but challenging gifts we’ve been given. Because of Jesus, we find hope in the possibility that we are a foursome of “Peters” waiting for Him to transform our impulsivities into power and purpose for the things of God.

It should go without saying that our role in the spiritual formation of our children has changed in these latter years. It is

much less direct and much more subtle. It is by example and with MUCH fewer words. They see us every morning, meeting with our Savior in His Word. They know that worship and service to others are “a given” in our family culture. When the Holy Spirit prompts us, we point them to God’s hand in their everyday lives. We tell them we are praying for them. We seek ways to serve them sacrificially and pray they see Jesus in those actions. We say we’re sorry when we mess up. We bite our tongues seven out of 10 times (ok, maybe six out of 10). We ask the Good Shepherd to enable us to have the courage to let them figure things out while praying on our knees behind the scenes. We let go with fear and trembling and utter dependence on the One who loves them

more than we do. We trust the work of the Gardener more and freak out less by remaining in the Vine. We attempt to model what it looks like for broken, messy sinners to follow Jesus.

I resist the urge to ask the question, “Have our efforts to form the faith of our children worked?” Why? Because faith is not the result of a performance contract. If I think for one moment it is, then the salvation of our children becomes about us and not about God. I recently read a powerful quote on X (you know, formerly known as Twitter) that spoke to this issue. The author vulnerably explained,

“If I thought for one moment that my worth was based on being an awesome wife or mother, I would despair. But God called me to this not to prove my faithfulness but to prove His.”

Let that sink in. What if this whole child-rearing journey was to reveal the glory of the faithfulness of God?!?! Such a marvelous thought is wondrous to ponder and gives my sometimes-weary soul such a lift. Friends, HE IS FAITHFUL THROUGH AND THROUGH – there’s

not a thing He has called you to that He won’t be faithful through. Doesn’t that truth have a way of 180ing your perspective? It does mine!

I started this article with a song so might as well end it with one. Bethel has a song that has resonated in my soul through these parenting years. The chorus includes this refrain, “Take courage my heart, stay steadfast my soul; He’s in the waiting. Hold on to your hope as your trial unfolds; He’s never failing.” So this one (this song) goes out to those who find parenting a mix of both joy and difficulty. To the ones who have strong-willed toddlers, middle schoolers, teenagers, or young adults (or have had or will have ALL of them). To the ones who wish there was a support group for days like these. To the ones who often hear the voice of shame louder than the voice of the Lover of their Soul. THIS....THIS is for you:

Take courage. Stay steadfast.

The ONE who calls you is faithful, and HE WILL DO IT. I Thessalonians 5:24

Much love to you, church family, The Broders

“While I searched for ways to make parenting easier, God sent me deeper into the refiner’s fire, bringing mothering challenges in my life to point me to him, my only true source of joy and satisfaction.”

CHRISTINA FOX

PARENTING TEENAGERS

BY JEN KINSEY

We blinked and our sweet little babies grew up. Fast

Now as teenagers, they are completely different than they used to be. They sure smell different. But the biggest difference is the change in parental control. Boy, has it revealed our hearts. Theirs and ours.

Teenagers: unpredictable, frustrating, defensive, argumentative, short attention spans, self-centered, and they love to push our buttons. Sound familiar? Sadly, there are no longer bedtime routines, holding hands to cross the street, or picking them up in your arms. Correction looks different and challenges abound.

Last week, one son came home much later than we agreed, and he absolutely could not see the problem with that. The heart revealed. Raising teens has never been easy but especially now in a culture that values social media, scantily clad celebrities, and success in worldly ways; it’s harder than ever.

My own teen years were awkward, so I can relate and have sympathy for what they’re going through. It’s easy to be fearful and scared, but we shouldn’t give up. Teenagers are an important part of God’s good design. God is at

work. He uses incidents with our teenagers to shape them and us for our good and His Glory.

One afternoon, my son came to me and said, “Mom, I may have just failed my final.”

“What?!” I said before continuing down an argumentative road that ended in disaster.

Ugh. It’s hard to hold your tongue, control your anger, or absorb an insult. Later, recognizing what happened in the heated debate, I’m pretty sure my flyoff-the-handle reaction revealed my idols. The heart revealed. And idols compete for our hearts.

I’ve learned much of parenting is reactive. But we’re all a work in progress. It made me realize that parents are not that much different from their teens. They are rebellious to us, and we rebel against our Heavenly Father. We’re all in need of grace. It’s humbling to know your need. Milton Vincent says we are always willing to show love to others when we are freshly mindful of the love God has shown us. We can show mercy because we’ve been shown mercy. We can forgive because we’ve been forgiven.

Some parents of teenagers would desire to be better strangers as Shakespeare says, but parents of teens have been given a special opportunity to show the love of our heavenly Father, even when we don’t feel qualified. We want our teens to understand their Savior’s love for them just like Solomon offers wisdom to his son in Proverbs. And Scripture is what makes us “wise to salvation” (2 Timothy 3:15).

We want to “win our children for wisdom,” as Paul David Tripp says. Do we do it perfectly all the time? No. We have certainly messed up. But it’s actually okay. It’s helpful to use the Gospel model of conflict and reconciliation because it shows the cyclical pattern of always coming back to God—knowing we will mess up again and again— but also knowing we can always come back to Him. In fact, He’s waiting to embrace us with open arms.

Seeking His direction and raising our children in the patterns of His love will promote Gospel hospitality and community in our own homes. We want them to know no matter what, they can always come home. But we also want them to know there are consequences for disobedience. My wonderful husband decided the rule at our house is that if you’re living under our roof then

you need to abide by what we say. If teens “refuse the conditions when they come to age, then they forfeit the benefit,” as Richard Baxter says.

We are by no means experts but one example that has worked for us to connect with our teens is to have a hospitable family dinner together every Monday with their grandparents where we eat well and typically have great fruit-yielding discussions, sometimes in the form of questions that lead to more conversations. Another helpful tip that one son decided he would do is to take “a social media sabbatical” where he took time off from all the social media platform craziness. That’s been helpful to re-focus on what’s really important.

The good thing is, transitioning from childhood to adulthood doesn’t happen overnight. Just like when they were little, catch them doing something good and encourage that. If you enter their world it shows you love and care about them. We can’t do it alone. Hold them loosely knowing only God can change their hearts. Even though we wrestle with the shortcomings of our own hearts, we and our teenagers are safe in our weaknesses. Just go to Jesus, He loves them more than we do.

“We must allow the Word of God to confront us, to disturb our security, to undermine our complacency and to overthrow our patterns of thought and behavior.”

JOHN STOTT

“SAY WHAT YOU MEAN, MEAN WHAT YOU SAY, DO WHAT YOU SAY YOU ARE GOING TO DO”

BY BUDDY & PAIGE OLDSHUE

We have lived by the above motto throughout our marriage, and especially as we parented teenagers. We have four children, Owen (27), Sam (25), Eliza (23), and Isabel (17), and all four can quote this motto verbatim.

When we were asked to write about our experience in parenting teens, our immediate response was confusion and the shared sentiment that “we are ill-equipped to advise anyone on raising teenagers.” It is only by the grace of God that all four are living and breathing at this moment and that each has made a profession of faith with evidence of fruit-filled lives. We can’t take any credit–all of, if any, parenting success was God’s doing; all of the failures are due to our pride and arrogance. We don’t have a playbook or script that says if you do “x” as a parent, the result will by “y” with your teenager. However, we do believe we can share ways we attempted to steward the hearts of our children in accordance with God’s word.

By way of background, Buddy grew up a regular attendee of a local Methodist church in Tuscaloosa. He had eight great uncles who were Methodist ministers, so attending church went without question. Paige grew up in a home that attended church on Christmas and Easter. Paige’s salvation is a product of a faithful, praying grandmother, who even though she lived four hours away, persistently told her grandchildren about Jesus.

Moreover, we are a blended family. Owen, Sam and Eliza were 8, 6 and 4 when we married. They were Paige’s children from a previous marriage. Before we decided to marry, we had multiple discussions that parenting would be a joint responsibility, both of us with equal authority to discipline and disciple each child. Additionally, we discussed with and received the blessing of Paige’s former spouse that all three parents would present a united front when it came to issues involving discipline. We recognize this might present a challenge in some families, and we feel fortunate that all parties were agreeable. Thereafter, we communicated to the children that what one parent said, had the full force and effect of the other parents.

Because our family is so large and we both worked outside the home (we are both attorneys and our writing style tends to reflect that), time was and still is a valuable commodity. Early on we learned to prioritize our resources and commitments, and set expectations for ourselves as parents and for the children. We felt our actions were as important as our words because we believed that more is caught than formally taught. In other words, if we wanted our kids to understand what is important in relationships and life, we had to model that, not just tell them.

SAY WHAT YOU MEAN

Early on, we impressed upon our children that we had certain priorities; God, Marriage, Family, Community, Country. Self was somewhere down near the bottom of the list. Sometimes, in more serious situations, we put those expectations in writing in the form of a written mutual understanding (a contract) so later there was no misunderstanding of the expectations and the discipline that may ensue upon failure to meet those expectations. We realized very early that we have a limited time (18 years if we were lucky) to teach and influence the kids and pack their life suitcases before they left home. We wanted them to pack that suitcase with a love for Jesus, a respect for authority, and an ability to handle hard things well. For them to do that, we believed they needed the freedom to fail.

To develop a love for Jesus, we talked about Jesus in our home on a regular basis. We prioritized church attendance on Sundays and Wednesdays. Unless we were out of town or someone was sick, we were in church. By attending church, we were communicating to our children that studying God’s Word and fellowshipping with other believers was and is important. Both of us also served in the church in various roles–youth ministry, hospitality, children’s ministry, worship team, welcome team. Our children observed us regularly serving

others in the church. We also served the marginalized in our community and took our children with us when we served. As a family, we have served in soup kitchens, food pantries, disaster relief, and refugee assistance. Serving others in these tangible ways (we hope) signaled to our children our belief in Jesus’s command to love one another. And when it comes to following Jesus, teenagers (being natural critics) are especially adept at identifying whether you are all talk and no action.

An added benefit of serving the marginalized, the poor, and the oppressed in the community, is that your children are exposed to a diverse group of people who don’t look like us and who don’t have the same resources as us. The reality is that when you know and become friends with someone in those situations, it’s hard to hate them. We said we prioritized church attendance, but once they went off to college, we didn’t nag them about church because by then their life suitcase was packed. We prayed that each child would find their faith and we gave them over to Jesus.

Developing a child’s respect for authority required us to do the hard part and follow our motto. Consequently, we did not put up with back talk, sarcasm, rolling of eyes, or turning their back on us when speaking. We tried to consistently present a united front by not allowing

“If we wanted our kids to understand what is important in relationships and life, we had to model that, not just tell them.”

the children to criticize the other parent and we tried not to criticize each other in front of the children.

We feel it is incredibly important for our teenagers to learn to do hard things well, so we consistently expressed our expectation that they (1) perform well academically commiserate with their ability; (2) participate in one sport per year, even if they weren’t great at it; (3) hold a summer job, if possible; (4) attend an Outward Bound wilderness school of their choosing when they reached 15; (5) purchase half of their car (we promised to match whatever they had saved to purchase their car at 16); and (6) leave home at 18 with the expectation that they go to college, trade school or into the military.

We tried to give the children the freedom to fail, and when that inevitably happened, we tried to make it a learning experience. Most often that situation arose in relation to schoolwork

or sports. With homework or school projects, we reminded, cajoled, and sometimes yelled to get them to do their work timely, but we never did their work or projects for them. After a few bad grades and the resulting consequences, they all pretty much met their deadlines. With sports, the expectations were simple, you can’t quit the team because it’s hard, the coach is mean, or you’re not good at it. That made for quite a few pouty evening dinners, but we think in the long run made for good lessons in respect for authority and commitment in general.

MEAN WHAT YOU SAY

To back up the priorities, boundaries and the expectations mentioned above, we allowed Philippians 4:8 to guide us. To paraphrase, whatsoever is true, pure and lovely, think on these things. In this pursuit, our biggest challenge was doing so in a technologically advanced society.

There are two extreme approaches: sequester the kids from technology completely or give them free rein. We chose an intermediate philosophy, that of well-communicated boundaries. We didn’t want our children to grow up in a bubble, but we did want to try and protect their minds and hearts from images and adult content in their early teens which we felt were formative years. These were the boundaries we tried to enforce over the virtually continuous wailing and gnashing of teeth of our teenagers:

• No phone until 14.

• No social media until 16.

• Curfew at 11 unless special occasion.

No phones, TVs, computers, or gaming systems in bedrooms. Phones in a basket on the kitchen counter at bedtime.

• Random spot check of phones.

• One TV in the house for all to watch in the family room.

Since kids are crafty and seem to enter this world with a technological advantage over their parents, we have to admit that enforcing these boundaries seemed like a never-ending losing battle that often resulted in more wailing and gnashing of teeth on everyone’s part. But eventually, we saw that persistence pays off, and in the rare case that it didn’t, we removed the phone (more wailing and gnashing of teeth). We also believe that having one TV in the house cultivated a family-centric atmosphere in the home. Our family room and kitchen was and is where everyone

congregates 90 percent of the time. This leads to lots of great discussions, including discussions about faith, relationships, school drama, and of course, Alabama football.

DO WHAT YOU SAY YOU ARE GOING TO DO:

This is the difficult part. Enforcement of consequences was uncomfortable, hard, inconvenient, and oftentimes heartbreaking. Before we confronted one of our teens, we would meet together and agree on punishment (unless there was a written contract with the punishment already determined). We then met with our teenager in private regarding the discipline warranted. We tried to never meet with an angry tone, but we did meet with tears on occasions wherein the deceit was disheartening for us as parents. We opened each meeting with words of love and support before we ever got to the discipline portion.

As indicated above, we had set rules regarding use of technology in their rooms and social media access. In the situations wherein trust was violated (phone in bedroom at night or use of a social media app that was not permitted), we took the phones away for a set period of time. On one occasion we dropped the phone in the water. After trust was rebuilt, this child paid for a new phone. We also took away driving privileges. Taking phone and driving privileges away is inconvenient for parents. But we found these consequences to be very persuasive.

When you follow through with these consequences you will get pushback about how they need their phone for school or communicating with coaches, etc. We found that coaches and teachers were willing to work with us in communicating via email or directly to us when we explained the loss of the privilege. We also encountered the argument “everyone will think I am weird if I don’t have a phone or car.” This argument was a non-starter for us. We told our teens that our role as their parents was not to make them popular in school but to equip them for the roles God was calling them to.

We would be remiss if we didn’t mention our parenting regrets and failures. With both of us working full-time, we wish we would have had more biblical devotions and prayer with our children. As tired parents, sometimes all they got was a quick prayer at bedtime or the dinner table. As we have matured as parents and have only one teenager left at home, praying has been more consistent and we have seen the faithfulness of God in answering our prayers.

As the sun sets on our teen parenting years and we eagerly anticipate the arrival of two grandchildren, we can clearly see the graciousness of God as parents and in the lives of our children. Despite all of our inadequacies as parents, He provided, He equipped, and His timing was perfect throughout all the parenting years. He never gave up on us and this translated into us never giving up on our children.

“To grow in holiness does not mean you now talk in hushed tones and every third sentence quotes the Bible. It means you live in more clear-minded hope.”

DAVID POWLISON

WYSE FAMILY KEYS

BY MATT & KATHY WYSE

When we started thinking about conflict resolution and Gospel correction, we talked a lot about what worked and what didn’t over the years, and while we certainly don’t claim to be parenting experts, we think that there are a few things that have been key for our family.

The first is possibly the hardest: consistency. We are out of the toddler years and into the teen years and believe that consistency while kids are younger pays dividends when they’re older. Consistency in discipline probably comes to mind, and that is important, but consistency in our behavior is also important. Reacting to situations consistently, despite our own emotions of the day, is sometimes a very difficult task, but allows our kids to trust us to resolve conflict. Whether toddler or teen, if we have emotional outbursts, they will follow. But we’ve found that if we set the standard with them at a young age, as they get older conflict resolution is much less dramatic and more conversational.

The second is communication. It ties in very closely with the first, but controlling our emotions and talking through conflict is huge. When we have conflict, whether it’s in a relationship or over a specific issue, we try very hard to not let emotions rule us, but instead ask what are the issues driving the emotions, and how can we work through that in light of Scripture? Having clear communication about boundaries, expectations, and consequences before an issue comes up is helpful because we aren’t reacting in the moment, but rather pointing to what’s already expected. That’s not possible in every situation, but when it is, it helps establish consistency.

The last is the most important to us. As hard as we try, we will fail our kids. So our hard and fast rule is that when we get it wrong, we go to them and apologize. We repent, and we use this as an opportunity to point them to the Gospel. We give grace and forgiveness because we desperately need it. The Lord continually uses our kids to show us where we need work.

Paul Tripp explained this so well. In his book Parenting, he writes,

“My biggest ongoing problem as a parent is not my children, it’s me. My children don’t cause me to do and say what I do and say. No, the cause of my actions is found inside my own heart. My

children are simply the occasion where my heart reveals itself in word and actions. So I need much more than just rescue and relief from my children; I need rescue from me. This is why Jesus came, to provide us with the rescue that we all need but that we cannot provide for ourselves. When you are willing to confess that you’re the biggest problem in your parenting, you are on the road to very good things in you and in your work with your kids.”

Amen, and thank God for the honor of parenting these people we love so dearly!

Matt and Kathy Wyse, Ava (16), Cooper (12- almost 13!), and Lucas (8)

PRAYERS FROM THE BIBLE

Prayer for Reconciliation with God

Psalm 51:1-12

Have mercy on me, O God, according to your unfailing love; according to your great compassion blot out my transgressions. Wash away all my iniquity and cleanse me from my sin.

For I know my transgressions, and my sin is always before me. Against you, you only, have I sinned and done what is evil in your sight; so you are right in your verdict and justified when you judge.

Surely I was sinful at birth, sinful from the time my mother conceived me. Yet you desired faithfulness even in the womb; you taught me wisdom in that secret place.

Cleanse me with hyssop, and I will be clean; wash me, and I will be whiter than snow. Let me hear joy and gladness; let the bones you have crushed rejoice. Hide your face from my sins and blot out all my iniquity.

Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me. Do not cast me from your presence or take your Holy Spirit from me. Restore to me the joy of your salvation and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me.

Prayer for Guidance

Psalm 25

To you, O Lord, I lift up my soul.

2 O my God, in you I trust; let me not be put to shame; let not my enemies exult over me.

3 Indeed, none who wait for you shall be put to shame; they shall be ashamed who are wantonly treacherous.

4 Make me to know your ways, O Lord; teach me your paths.

5 Lead me in your truth and teach me, for you are the God of my salvation; for you I wait all the day long.

6 Remember your mercy, O Lord, and your steadfast love, for they have been from of old.

7 Remember not the sins of my youth or my transgressions; according to your steadfast love remember me, for the sake of your goodness, O Lord!

8 Good and upright is the Lord; therefore he instructs sinners in the way.

9 He leads the humble in what is right, and teaches the humble his way.

10 All the paths of the Lord are steadfast love and faithfulness, for those who keep his covenant and his testimonies.

11 For your name’s sake, O Lord,

pardon my guilt, for it is great.

12 Who is the man who fears the Lord? Him will he instruct in the way that he should choose.

13 His soul shall abide in well-being, and his offspring shall inherit the land.

14 The friendship[b] of the Lord is for those who fear him, and he makes known to them his covenant.

15 My eyes are ever toward the Lord, for he will pluck my feet out of the net.

16 Turn to me and be gracious to me, for I am lonely and afflicted.

17 The troubles of my heart are enlarged; bring me out of my distresses.

18 Consider my affliction and my trouble, and forgive all my sins.

19 Consider how many are my foes, and with what violent hatred they hate me.

20 Oh, guard my soul, and deliver me! Let me not be put to shame, for I take refuge in you.

21 May integrity and uprightness preserve me, for I wait for you.

22 Redeem Israel, O God, out of all his troubles.

Prayer for Godliness and Contentment

Proverbs 30:7-9

Two things I ask of you; deny them not to me before I die:

8 Remove far from me falsehood and lying; give me neither poverty nor riches; feed me with the food that is needful for me,

9 lest I be full and deny you and say, “Who is the Lord?” or lest I be poor and steal and profane the name of my God.

Prayer for Strength

Ephesians 3:14-21

For this reason I bow my knees before the Father, 15 from whom every family in heaven and on earth is named, 16 that according to the riches of his glory he may grant you to be strengthened with power through his Spirit in your inner being, 17 so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith—that you, being rooted and grounded in love, 18 may have strength to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, 19 and to know the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled with all the fullness of God.

20 Now to him who is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think, according to the power at work within us, 21 to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever. Amen.

Prayer for Spiritual Understanding and Wisdom

Colossians 1:9-12

And so, from the day we heard, we have not ceased to pray for you, asking that you may be filled with the knowledge of his will in all spiritual wisdom and understanding, 10 so as to walk in a manner worthy of the Lord, fully pleasing to him: bearing fruit in every good work and increasing in the knowledge of God; 11 being strengthened with all power, according to his glorious might, for all endurance and patience with joy; 12 giving thanks to the Father, who has qualified you to share in the inheritance of the saints in light.

BIBLICAL TEACHING. GOSPEL COMMUNITY. FAMILY DISCIPLESHIP.