Mitchell’s Malarkey

MITCHELL’S MALARKEY By: Vol D. Mort

Guest Author

IN DEFENSE OF VOLDEMORT

To the Editor:

I write this letter not in praise of “Voldemort” but out of concern over the recent savage attempts to destroy the good reputation of this man, or woman, in the community, whoever he or she may be. For years, this column space was presided over and cultivated so wonderfully, with care and compassion by the esteemed Jason Long. Eight months ago, all of that changed. Now, Mr. Long must be rolling over in his grave, because surely a living Jason Long would not allow this travesty to continue--to see his column be turned into a monthly airing of personal grievances by one T. Mitchell Panter. We’ve gone from the gentle musings on life as an attorney, to columns on cookie counts. I had the good pleasure of knowing Mr. Panter before January 2022. Granted, the Mr. Panter I knew then probably would have stooped to this level, but that is not the point. Before it is too late, as absolute power corrupts absolutely, I wish to appeal to the better angels that may still be present in Mr. Panter and to this editorial board to consider what could very well be “Voldemort’s” side of the story.

When examining the actions of this so-called “Voldemort” through the lens of Mr. Panter’s most recent articles, it is easy to see how one could come away with a poor impression of his, or her, character. What we don’t see is the human being behind the actions. It may be possible that this “Voldemort” is just a simple man, or woman, who came from humble beginnings. A person who appreciates the value of a dollar, perhaps at times to a fault. While Mr. Panter glamourizes his own origin story as a waiter at Cheddar’s, even Mr. Panter must acknowledge the inequity of the tipped wage system in our society. Maybe “Voldemort” simply does not wish to participate in perpetuating what could be an inherently unfair system.

Sure, Mr. Panter may like to stack the dishes after a lunch and throw the waiter an extra dollar here and there, but let’s not pretend he is some kind of saint. My guess is “Voldemort” tips, while maybe not generously, appropriately and in line with current standards. And given the constant escalating scale of what constitutes an appropriate tip amount/percentage in today’s society, surely that should be enough to keep one from being made the subject of Mr. Panter’s ravings.

As for the cookie incident so indelicately described by Mr. Panter in last month’s article, the defense of “Voldemort” becomes somewhat more complicated. It is possible there were mitigating factors. Perhaps “Voldemort’s” assistant wasn’t one for socializing and would have greatly loathed any kind of gathering in her honor. Perhaps, it was a Friday afternoon during the dog days of summer when the office is typically sparsely attended. Perhaps this “Voldemort” is a man, or woman, whose heart is bigger than their brain. Who in an attempt to spare the feelings of his or her long-time assistant, who was shared by two other attorneys who may or may not have done anything in recognition of her last day, sought to keep any celebration small and personal. If you look at it that way, 18 is the perfect number. As to the email invitation inviting the entire firm to partake in 18 cookies, that may be indefensible, but worthy of public mockery? Hardly.

I suppose it is easy for Mr. Panter to lounge in his ivory tower using his column as a megaphone, for, as he would say “catharsis,” against those who do not have a monthly column in which to defend themselves while nibbling on the remnants of Ham ’n Goodys lemon cookies that someone else was kind enough to share with him. But despite Mr. Panter’s criticism of “Voldemort’s” cookie estimating abilities, let’s be clear, the next cookie Mr. Panter purchases for a staff member will be the first.

But there is a bright light. At least Mr. Panter has found an outlet for his malarkey rather than standing in the doorways of people who are trying to do work, and “Voldemort,” whoever this poor, misunderstood person may be, has now been featured more times in this year’s issues of DICTA than any other member of the Knoxville Bar. . . except for Jason Long. For someone who cannot be named, “Voldemort” sure gets a lot of press.

Sincerely,

“Vol D. Mort”