TINDER NO JUTSU, BELIEVE IT!

NARUTO UZUMAKI, but you can call me Nards - Writer, 1st Year, Undeclared

"bruh did you actually think i was born with the name nards"

Tip #1: Make sure your bio is bussin’, believe it! Vulnerability is an important part of any relationship, and there’s no better way to do that than throwing your whole tragic backstory out there, believe it! Don’t worry about running out of space, believe it! Just continue your story on a new profile, believe it! Shadow Clone Jutsu, believe it!

Tip #2: Swipe right on everybody, believe it! Make friends with EVERYONE, believe it!. And I mean EVERYONE, believe it! EV- ERYONE deserves a chance, believe it! By chance, I’m talking about sweet talking them into realizing the error of their ways, believe it! Of course you don’t have to make a lifelong commitment to everyone, believe it! Save that chakra for your soulmate, believe it! “But Naruto-sensei, how do I find my soulmate? Believe it?” Fear not, students of mine, believe it! Just focus on the characteristics of your dream (or real) rival, believe it!

Tip #3: Anybody can use genjutsu, even me! Believe it! Anything can be a talent if you try hard enough, believe it! This one’s pretty simple, there’s just no shortcut to becoming Hokage, believe it!

Tip #4: Ramen dates, believe it! Ask every prospective companion about going on a ramen date, believe it! I’m still convinced that it’s the fastest way to someone’s heart, though I actually know some people who might say otherwise, believe it I guess. If they straight up say no—or even worse, that they don’t like ramen—report them immediately, believe it! Some villains just can’t be changed, believe it! But if they say yes, then you’re definitely in for a good time, believe it! Just make sure to run like a rasengan when the waiter comes through with the bill, believe it! That’s what I do with Kakashi-sensei, believe it! Why else do you think my froggy wallet is looking nice and thiccy lately, believe it?!

Tip #5: The pick up line is outdated, believe it! Why pick up when you can bust down, believe it?! Be confident with your endless flow of support, believe it! What’s the use of possibly making them uncomfortable when you could compliment their incredible fighting stance instead, believe it?! Dive in headfirst, believe it! Spell something wrong, believe it?! Make like me and act like nothing happened, duh, believe it! Extra points if you make them laugh with the ridiculous expression you have plastered on your face as a defense mechanism, believe it!

Tip #6: Those who don’t follow the rules are scum, and those who abandon their friends are worse than scum, but those who think ghosting is a good idea are worse than worse than scum, believe it! If it happens to you Though, don’t fret it, believe it! It’s a calling to develop 1000 versions of your best technique to use against them in the future, believe it!

Tip #7: The ninja headband goes where you go, believe it! If you’re a compulsive splurger like me, at least convince yourself it’s for a good cause by purchasing one for the best of your friends, believe it! You might think you’re not capable of running after anyone and I respect that, believe it! But if you come across someone who drops their headband and doesn’t look back or even scratches it with no remorse, that’s obviously your sign to do a little jog, believe it!

Disclaimer: Please use common sense when interacting with other people online. Dattebayo.