EXCLUSIVE JOJO SNEAK PEAKS

ATHENA CHEN - Artist, 3rd Year, Physics/Statistics

"This is gonna age worse than victims of The Grateful Dead."

JOESTAR: The Inherited Soul is a special event for the widely-acclaimed JoJo’s Bizarre Adventure franchise that will be held on April 4, which is a mere 3 days after this issue’s publication. Indeed, fans are excited. For one, we’re getting to see the voice actors of all five animated parts’ protagonists interacting with each other during the livestream. But more importantly, there’s the possibility that important questions will be answered and even more important details will be revealed regarding the anime.

The number one question on fans’ minds is, of course: will Stone Ocean, the sixth part of this legendary manga series, be animated? Lucky for you readers of Konshuu, I’m here to disclose the answer ahead of time. Thanks to my uncle’s cousin’s friend’s roommate who works for David Production, the studio behind the JoJo anime, I’ve obtained some juicy and totally real “insider details” about this event.

To start off: no, a Stone Ocean adaptation will not (yet) be confirmed. Surprisingly, another Rohan OVA will not be announced either, despite how obsessed Hirohiko Araki is with the guy. What is planned to be revealed at the event, however, is a live-action adaptation of the light novel spinoff Jorge Joestar, featuring Duwang “The Rock” Johnson as Kars (all 36 of them).

Have a smol Jolyne as consolation.

Also to be revealed at the event is a new line of merch: for the low, low price of 69420 yen, you can be the proud owner of an authentic™ Stand Arrow. If you’ve ever dreamed of having your own punch ghost, now’s your chance! Be sure to place a pre-order as soon as they become available, as these will no doubt sell out fast. (Side effects may include increased muscle mass, a more extravagant fashion sense, sporadic urges to strike poses in public, or death.)

Furthermore, the unreleased final chapter of the JoJo’s Bizarre Married Life doujinshi will be made available in June 2021, over 21 years after it was created. In one scene, He-who-will-not-benamed-due-to-spoilers dies from postpartum bleeding after struggling to lay an immensely large egg. This counts as one of his infinite deaths, thus making the doujin official canon.

Yes, this is canon now.

But that’s not all: my mom’s friend’s niece’s babysitter has privately interviewed Araki, who stated that Muhammad Avdol is actually a furry and Magician’s Red is his fursona (birdsona?). He also offered a simple explanation on how King Crimson works: imagine a pizza, cut into eight slices. Each slice is a section in time. Now, imagine King Crimson as a rolling pizza cutter. When the user predicts an attack, they use the pizza cutter and eat the center of the pizza so it resembles a donut, just like the donuts King Crimson made a few unfortunate individuals into. Get it now?

Clearly, the staff behind JoJo has some very exciting reveals in store. I should emphasize again that all these leaks are 100% authentic. And now that you’ve gotten a taste of what’s coming, I hope you all are looking forward to Sunday (and future JoJo events) as much as I am!