INTERGALACTIC ELECTION YEAR
Written by Aaron Kozak
Aaron Kozak 5716 1/2 Camerford Ave Los Angeles, CA 90038 (323)877-5999
A Captain enters a meeting room onboard a space station. A Lieutenant sets up a refreshment table with a cheese tray. CAPTAIN Lieutenant! Lieutenant salutes. LIEUTENANT Yes, Captain! CAPTAIN Who am I meeting today? LIEUTENANT The Chancellor of the Intergalactic Friendly Spaces Coalition. CAPTAIN Ugh. Every four years he comes by with pamphlets and wastes my time. I didn’t even vote last election. CAPTAIN (CONT’D) How did he get on the calender? LIEUTENANT Well, sir... The Captain groans. CAPTAIN Alright. Bring him in. Let’s make this a quick one. LIEUTENANT Of course, sir. The Lieutenant brings in the Chancellor, an alien being from another planet. CAPTAIN Greetings, Chancellor. Welcome aboard our humble space station. CHANCELLOR Greetings, yes, very good. The Chancellor immediately crosses to the refreshment table. LIEUTENANT Chancellor, please help yourself to some refreshments.
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CHANCELLOR A delicious cheese tray with cheese to put in my mouth. Yes. The chancellor eats a mouth full of cheese. LIEUTENANT We also have crackers. CAPTAIN To what purpose do we owe this honor, Chancellor? CHANCELLOR (Eating cheese.) I have come from the Intergalactic Friendly Spaces Coalition to discuss the imminent danger your space station faces in the upcoming election year for the position of the Intergalactic Friendly Spaces Coalition Chancellor. CAPTAIN Oh yeah? What kind of danger? CHANCELLOR There is a coup underway to replace I.F.S.C.’s current Chancellor, that who is me, with a new Chancellor, that who is the one they call Harfnar the Marfnar. The Chancellor finishes the cheese. CHANCELLOR (CONT’D) Ingestion of cheese completed. Now will I eat the crackers. The Chancellor eats crackers while the Captain watches in disgust. CAPTAIN (To the Lieutenant.) Do you have any idea what he’s talking about? LIEUTENANT Harfnar the Marfnar is the head of the Plutonium Electronics Corporation. He is the leading Carbon Party Candidate running for Chancellor of the Friendly Spaces Coalition.
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CAPTAIN Yeah, I don’t keep up with any of that stuff, really. CHANCELLOR I have eaten now all the crackers. Are their any more edibles to put in my mouth hole before we begin discussing the suppression of the Harfnar the Marfnar regime. LIEUTENANT There are some carrot sticks. A beat. CHANCELLOR I do not wish to eat the carrot sticks. Let us proceed with communications. CAPTAIN You said we are in danger, Chancellor. What kind of danger? CHANCELLOR Harfnar the Marfnar poses a grave threat to the I.F.S.C. I have brought you a pamphlet to inform you accurately and efficiently on trifolded paper. He wishes to allow the Eridanusians to intermarry, and will legalize the smoking of moon dust, which is a gateway drug that leads to smoking harder, tastier moon dust. Thousands of Moonities die every year. Please accept this pamphlet I am holding. The Chancellor presents a pamphlet. The Captain looks it over. CAPTAIN As I said, last year, Chancellor, I don’t understand what this has to do with me or my space station. I’m not a member of this organization. Before meeting you, I’d never even heard of the I.F.S.C.
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CHANCELLOR We are a privately funded nonprofit organization working to maintain peaceful cohabitation between the native beings and the spreading population of humans, Moonities, Eridanusians, and Marfnars. We also work to preserve and protect open spaces, and assist with voter registration. CAPTAIN I always assumed space was infinite. CHANCELLOR Yes. Very good. For a small donation, we can derail the course of any one who opposes my rule and crush them. CAPTAIN If space is infinite then why do you need to preserve any of it? LIEUTENANT Great question, Sir. CAPTAIN Thank you, Lieutenant. Well, Chancellor? CHANCELLOR Uh, well. We...uh. Space is. I... A beat. CHANCELLOR (CONT’D) I will initiate the eating of the carrot sticks! The Chancellor returns to the refreshment table and begins eating the carrot sticks. CHANCELLOR (CONT’D) I do not understand why you have not provided any dip with your carrots that are in the form of sticks. CAPTAIN Lieutenant?
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LIEUTENANT Sorry, Sir. It wasn’t on my list. CHANCELLOR No matter. Carrot ingestion complete. Please accept this clipboard with a voter registration form to be filled out by you with your hand parts and an inanimate marking implement. LIEUTENANT I think he means a pen. CAPTAIN I know what he means, Lieutenant. LIEUTENANT Sorry, sir. CAPTAIN Chancellor, I admire your initiative, hitting the space-way yourself. Is what’s his name...Harfnar the Barfnar... LIEUTENANT Harfnar the Marfnar. CAPTAIN Harfnar the Barfnar...does he going space station to space station himself like you do every four years? CHANCELLOR I am the candidate of the human people and of the other beings of the universe. My blood is pure, and free of Marfnar blood, which is stinking and rotten. No new taxes. Harfnar wishes to allow illegal Marfnars to enter your space station and assume the positions on your crew. CAPTAIN What? That’s crazy. LIEUTENANT The crew assignments don’t work like that, Chancellor. The Captain does all the promoting around here.
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CHANCELLOR I heard a rumor that Harfnar took pictures of his reproductive organs and posted them on holo-net for all to see. I did not see the photos, but someone I am close to did, and they were offended. Is that the kind of moral leadership you expect from a friendly spaces coalition. Marfnars can never keep it in their pants. CAPTAIN Wow. Okay. Chancellor, I appreciate all the information you’ve provided. I will look over the pamphlet and make an informed decision on my own, okay? CHANCELLOR Do you want your children to grow up speaking marfnar? LIEUTENANT Chancellor, thank you for your time. I will see you back to your space vessel. CHANCELLOR I would please like you to provide a cash or check donation. Yes. Very good. I will use to make the universe a better place and will not spend it on space hookers as was the case last election. CAPTAIN I wasn’t going to donate anyway, but now I’m really not donating. Good luck getting out the vote, or whatever. CHANCELLOR You are not interested in creating a better world for your children’s children’s children’s children’s children’s, one free of gross and sweaty marfnars. That is fine. Totally fine. Yes. It is a free universe. Yes. A beat.
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CHANCELLOR (CONT’D) Asshole. CAPTAIN Hey! I heard that! LIEUTENANT You can’t speak to the Captain like that Chancellor. CAPTAIN And another thing. We’ve had no problem with the marfnars on this space station. There aren’t even that many around here. In fact, Chancellor, I find your views to be quite offensive. CHANCELLOR You clearly do not pay attention to the issues. You are an ill informed voter. Your mother looks like a hairy marfnar. CAPTAIN I told you already I didn’t pay attention, Chancellor. There is no need to get nasty. It’s time for you to leave my space station. The Lieutenant escorts the Chancellor towards the exit. LIEUTENANT Thank you for your time, Chancellor. The Captain has other meetings. CHANCELLOR Do not throw your vote away. If we let the Eridanusians marry, then what next? Down with Harfnar the Marfnar. Four more years! Four more years! The chancellor exits. Black.