The Fighting Rejects by Aaron Kozak WGA#: 1310680
Current Revisions by Aaron Kozak, 06/13/10
Aaron Kozak 5716 1/2 Camerford Ave Los Angeles, CA 90038 (323)877-5999
INT. CHESTER A. ARTHUR MEMORIAL KICKBALL FIELD - DAY 1987. The conclusion of Chester A. Arthur Junior High’s Annual Kickball Tournament. Two outs. Bottom of the ninth. Tie-game. A one-on-one face off between long-time rivals YOUNG JACK MCDOUCHE and YOUNG GREGORY BUTTERSCOTCH, our hero. Slow motion. Greg firmly grips the kick-ball. Jack steps up to the plate. The pitch, a laser-like fast ball. Strike one. Greg’s team offers encouragement. He pitches again. Strike two. A sweaty stare-down. Greg sets. Sets again. The wind-up. Greg launches a third pitch. Jack throws his right left forward. Contact. A surprised Jack dashes to first base, watching the ball sail through the air. He rounds first, then second. An outfielder retrieves the ball. Jack approaches third. The cut off man hurls the kickball to Greg, who races to the plate, as does Jack. They collide, knocking the ball loose. Greg slams into the ground, clinches his teeth as he grabs hold of his pitching arm. He watches the ball land in front of him. Safe. Game-over. The crowd of students and faculty rush the field, hoisting Jack off ground. He turns to Greg, unleashing an arrogant smirk. Disheartened and defeated, young Greg Butterscotch, holding his severely injured right arm, stands alone in tears. Fade to Black. INT. GREG’S OFFICE - DAY Present. It's a calm, awkward atmosphere inside the office of the Chester A. Arthur Junior High guidance counselor, GREG BUTTERSCOTCH. Using his left hand only, he cleans his thickframed glasses with his bright yellow sweater Seated across from him is FURGIE, the resident wiener kid.
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GREG Furgie, I really think you're overreacting. Being shoved in the girl's bathroom four times this week doesn’t mean you’re a loser. Greg laughs. FURGIE Seven times. Greg’s laughter fizzles. GREG Ok. I'll prove it to you. Greg opens the door. GREG (Nervous.) Ah, Anthony, would you please join me in my office for a brief moment, please? ANTHONY, a large, cruel looking ninth grader, enters, slaps a picture frame off the desk, a photo of Greg during his kickball days. GREG Whoopsy. Greg retrieves, gently replants the frame in it’s specific location. GREG Anthony, Furgie here seems to believe that you kids, as crazy as this may sound, think he’s some sort of loser? Is that the case? ANTHONY No. He’s being a stupid retard. Greg turns back towards Furgie. GREG See, Furgie? Nothing to worry about. Anthony mouths "Loser," implying it further with the “L” gesture to his forehead. He then grabs a sheet of paper and a sharpie.
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GREG (To Furgie.) Maybe by pushing bathroom, that's showing you that remember after I
you in the their way of they like you. I lost my arm...
Greg slams his clunky fake right arm down onto the desk. The Boys jump. GREG (Oblivious.) ...all the kids just felt so bad for me. They constantly shoved me into the girl's bathroom, down the stairs, in front of the buses... Anthony shows Furgie the paper which boldly reads, “You’re dead.” GREG (Still oblivious.) You just have to keep in mind that they don't mean anything by it. Its just good, friendly, tough love. Thanks a lot, Anthony. Greg turns, Anthony crumbles the paper. GREG You're free to go and learn. ANTHONY Thanks a lot, Mr. Butternuts. Anthony drops the paper on the floor, carelessly, before running off. Greg smiles. GREG That's Butterscotch, Anthony. Butterscotch. Greg picks up the paper, throwing it away. JACK MCDOUCHE, Chester A. Arthur Junior High’s newest Assistant Principal enters. JACK Butternuts...
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GREG (Nervous small talk.) Hello, Jack. Uh, nice school day. JACK (Carelessly playing with items on Greg’s desk.) Greggy, a little bird recently informed me about your slipping out for lunch three minutes before the bell...ON A CONSISTENT BASIS, might I add. I don't need to remind you that we have a bell system in place for a reason. Jack takes some candy from Greg’s candy dish. JACK (Unwrapping the candy.) As members of the distinguished faculty here at Chester A. Arthur Junior High, we must respect the bell system because without it there would only be chaos. Jack throws the wrapper on the ground. JACK We'd have kids tearing up the classrooms, fire alarms going off, books and paper and pencils being jabbed into eye sockets. The whole school would collapse, Greg. All of us writhing in unimaginable pain, self-loathing, wondering... (Ominous.) Why? Why did this happen? Jack turns to Greg. JACK (Dark.) I don't think you understand the powers you've been messing with, Greg. (Back to normal.) The point is, we live and we die by those God damned bells. Now, pretend you were me. What would you do?
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GREG (Respectful.) Well, first, I'd take my complaint to Gloria. JACK I don’t need to answer to some fat, ugly secretary, alright. I worked my ass off to get where I am today. GREG Jack, you asked me what I’d do, and I’m just telling you. I’m not trying to discredit your years of service as a P.E. coach. JACK Don’t forget my Shakespeare class. A lot of kids took that class. All the popular kids. GREG (A smidgen of rage.) Well, of course, they took that class. They were guaranteed A’s. No matter what they did, turned in...I don’t think you taught them anything. I asked around, Jack. Most of them couldn’t begin to tell me about Hamlet, or MacBeth, or what iambic pentameter is, or... JACK Iambic pentameter? What a fag! (In Greg’s face.) You think your job is so great, Mr. Guidance Councilor? Sitting around, talking about feelings with the wiener kid. Furgie coughs. GREG That very attitude is the reason students come to see me in the first place. That’s what’s so great about my job. I protect them from people that think like you do. Bad people. JACK They need the tools to survive on their own. They need to be depussified.
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GREG Well, I certainly appreciate the input. Clearly, you’re the Bob Vila of child psychology. Pause. JACK (Threatening.) I don’t know who that is, but I assure you, Greg, I will look him up later on the internet. (Glancing at Furgie.) Watch the master. Jack turns. JACK (Jumbled screaming.) FURGESON! Furgie, witness to all of this, jumps. JACK (In Furgie’s face.) Furgeson, you make me sick! Stop this mamby pamby momma’s boy shit and quit being a little pussy. Then the other kids won’t pick on you so damn much, and you can quit hiding up Butterscotch's skirt! I can't stand the sight of you! Jack, successful, smiles at Greg. He looks back at Furgie. JACK (CONT’D) WHY THE HELL ARE YOU STILL SITTING THERE?! GET BACK TO CLASS! Furgie, humiliated, scared, exits. Greg huffs a few times, shocked speechless. GREG Stop, listen, and learn, Jack. This is not 1987. Things are different, and you need to re-evaluate your methods. Furgie is fragile. He needs positive reinforcement! JACK Criminey fuckin’...POSITIVE REINFORCEMENT?! (MORE)
7. JACK (cont'd) When did Rosie O’Donnell become our guidance counselor?! What's happened to you, Greg? You used to have a spine! (Shaking his head.) Now, look at you. You're worthless. A pathetic, useless, one armed freak who spends his day encouraging fat kids to forget about the fact they eat too much God damn chocolate.
A defeated silence consumes Greg. GREG (Retreating.) Well, I just think you're wrong. Jack takes a sheet of paper and the sharpie, writes. JACK (Victorious, as usual.) Right. Oh yeah, Principal Meyer wants to see you in his office. Jack grabs a strip of tape, attaches it to the paper. JACK I took the liberty of informing him about your little pre-bell rendezvous in the cafeteria. Jack pats Greg, plants the paper on his back. He turns around, laughs as he opens the door to the hallway. JACK (CONT’D) (Out the door.) MR. REINHARDT, TAKE THAT FUCKING HAT OFF! The door slams. INT. THE HALLS OF CHESTER A. ARTHUR JUNIOR HIGH - DAY A normal passing period. Kids talk around their lockers, Greg passing through. As they notice the sign on his back, the kids explode with laughter. Greg, oblivious to the sign, stops, peers in an open doorway, the nurses office.
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INT. THE NURSES’S OFFICE - DAY JENN, an assistant to the school Nurse, along with several EMTs, comforts a student, his head stuck in the back-hole of a desk chair. NURSE ROGERS, an incredibly old school Nurse who is approaching retirement, steps into the scene, pushing the EMTs aside. She pats the boy’s head before attempting to detach the desk with vicious jerks. The EMTs pull her off as the student screams. Jenn notices Greg, smiles, closes the door. Greg panics, continuing his walk through the hall, as though he wasn’t staring. INT. PRINCIPAL MEYER'S OFFICE - DAY The door opens. Greg enters. The office is filled with various brand names, blatant product placement. PRINCIPAL MEYER, sits in his leather chair, his back to the door. PRINCIPAL MEYER (Without looking.) Hello, Greg. Principal Meyer spins around, holding a Caramel Apple Pop or some other item fulfilling a product placement agreement. PRINCIPAL MEYER (Amazed.) How’d you know it was me? PRINCIPAL MEYER Well, you’re the only one who comes through that door, Greg. Greg looks at the single door, confused. GREG Oh. (Pause.) You wanted to see me, sir? PRINCIPAL MEYER How are you, Greg? GREG Well sir, I think I'm really starting to make some progress with Gerald Furgeson. (MORE)
9. GREG (cont'd) With a little more encouragement, you know, something to boost his confidence, I think we'd really start to see him fit in with the other kids.
PRINCIPAL MEYER Ah, Furgie. He is an interesting case, but I think you misunderstood me. (Smiles.) How are you? GREG I'm fine, sir. I love my job. Things couldn't be better. PRINCIPAL MEYER Wonderful. Principal Meyer leans forward, business-like. PRINCIPAL MEYER Greg, I need to discuss something with you. GREG Sir, if this is about me leaving for lunch early, I'm sorry. PRINCIPAL MEYER What? Oh, right. Jack. Don't worry about him. He loves his job too. Principal Meyer stands, admiring his decor: photos, certificates, advertisements. GREG It's your first year at this school, so I don't want to pressure you in any way. GREG I'm up for anything, sir. I live for pressure. PRINCIPAL MEYER The big game is coming up, Greg. Greg freezes. GREG I can't see what that has to do with me, Sir.
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PRINCIPAL MEYER I seem to remember a certain student of mine who hurled the fastest kickball ever witnessed at this junior high. Feared by his opponents, admired by his peers, anyone who watched him play, who saw how much he loved the game. He gave us hope that we could one day love something half as much as he loved kickball. Principal Meyer looks at a photograph of himself with Young Greg Butterscotch, kickball in hand. GREG Now, my hope is that we might see that student again. Greg stern, sad, raises his fake arm. GREG That student doesn't exist, Sir. Not anymore. Greg rises. PRINCIPAL MEYER Well, that's unfortunate. I thought it might do you some good being a coach. Might help you conquer some demons. GREG I'm fine, thank you. Greg exits. The sign on his back reads “I EAT SHIT.” INT. GREG’S OFFICE - DAY Later that day. BERNARD, the fat kid, munches away at Greg’s candy dish, chocolate, stuffing his face to the brim. Greg watches, silent. INT. THE HALLS OF CHESTER A. ARTHUR JUNIOR HIGH - DAY Greg moves through the school like a nervous 6th grader in the 8th grade hallway.
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Noticing Furgie, Greg waves. Furgie waves back just before several kids drop him in a trash can. Greg’s stops waving, continues his sad walk. EXT. CHESTER A. ARTHUR HIGH SCHOOL - DAY After school. Kids stand around, waiting for their parents. Greg exits the building. DANNY “WONKY-LEGS” WALKER, the disabled kid with braces on his legs, exits behind Greg, but falls down the steps, passing him. The surround students laugh as Greg begins to say something, but an embarrassed Wonky darts off too quickly. Greg watches Wonky run, as best he can, towards a blue mini van, jumping onboard before the van drives off. Greg sighs before moving on. CAR. GREG’S CAR - DAY Greg drives with his fake hand on the wheel, depressed. EXT. GREG’S FRONT DOOR - DAY Greg opens his door with the fake arm, inserting the key, a brief struggle. INT. GREG’S KITCHEN - NIGHT With a large wooden spoon shoddily taped to his fake hand, Greg tosses a salad in a big bowl. INT. GREG’S LIVING ROOM - NIGHT Greg holds the remote in his good hand, and presses the buttons with his fake one, slapping the remote. INT. GREG’S BEDROOM - NIGHT Greg lies awake in bed, starring off at his graduation photo. In the photo, Greg is holding his diploma with the good arm. The other arm fell off mid-shot, taking Greg’s attention away from the camera.
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Greg rolls onto his back, stares at the ceiling. He looks over at his lamp, and tries to turn it off with his fake arm. He knocks the lamp off the bedside table. Black. EXT. CHESTER A. ARTHUR HIGH SCHOOL - DAY The next morning. The Parking lot. Greg drives to the handicap parking, but is cut off by a much nicer car, one driven by Jack, who’s skewed parking job occupies two handicap spots. EXT/INT. OUTSIDE GREG’S OFFICE - DAY Outside Greg’s office, several wiener kids sit, waiting for Greg’s counseling. Greg smiles, inviting the first student into his office. INT. THE ANNOUNCEMENT ROOM - DAY Jack taps the microphone, a strong feedback. JACK Good morning students. Assistant Principal McDouche here. INT. THE HALL - DAY Jack's voice rings over the intercom. JACK(V.O.) I’m sure you’re all well aware that today is the sign up day for the 50th annual Chester A. Arthur Junior High Memorial Kickball Tournament. INT. THE CAFETERIA - DAY Jack’s voice carries over into the cafeteria where students wait in line for lunch. LUBERT, a Chechen cafeteria worker, scoops some obscure dish onto Bernard's tray. Furgie, WENDELL, UNIBROW, RANDY and RAHIB sit by themselves. Food and other things fly in their direction.
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JACK (V.O.) This year, the winning team will receive all-day swim passes, along with a pizza party, which will take place during school hours. Wonky-Legs, the boy who fell down the stairs earlier, listens to the announcement, tray in hand. JACK (V.O.) If you would like to try out for my team, the Gorilla's, reigning Champions for ten consecutive years, the single most dominant force in sports history, report to the gym right after school. Come dressed for physical exhaustion and excessive verbal abuse. No crybabies. That is all. WONKY (An excited whisper.) Wow. A hamburger hits Wonky in the face. Rahib, the theatre kid, opens his Chocolate milk. RAHIB Man, I hate this time of year. It’s always the same. It’s three weeks where the school can’t find anything better to talk about then kickball. Wendell, the special education kid, puts some celery sticks up his nose. WENDELL I got celery sticks up my nose. They’re up my nose. Wonky, covered in mustard, takes an empty seat at the reject table. WONKY I sure wish I could go to that pizza party. FURGIE Geez, me too. But Assistant Principal McDouche would ever put me on the Gorillas. I’m not good at anything.
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WONKY You’ll never really know unless you give it a shot, man. That’s why I’m trying out this year. RAHIB You can’t be serious. WONKY Oh, I am. I’m gonna get those swim passes. Randy, the blind kid, shakes his head. RANDY Wonky-Legs, you can't even walk right. What makes you think McDouche would put you on his team? WONKY You’re one to talk. You’re blind. RANDY But I’m not acting like I can play kickball. I have realistic expectations for myself. WONKY Like what? RANDY Like going into the airforce. Bernard, the fat kid who ate Greg’s chocolate, shows up with a tray of nasty food. Jeffy, the unibrow kid, grimaces. UNIBROW Bernard, how can you eat that? It looks like the shit they vacuumed out during your Mom’s liposuction. BERNARD You better shut up before I take your little sack lunch, your little sliced apples, and shove ‘em up your ass. Wendell licks chocolate pudding off a spoon, covering his mouth. WENDELL (Eating the pudding.) I got pudding in my sack.
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BERNARD This is a hot meal, guys. You have no idea what it taste like because you never try it. So, why don’t you just back off and let me eat this...uh... Bernard looks down at his tray. BERNARD (CONT’D) Whatever this shit is! UNIBROW I think somebody missed breakfast again. Bernard threatens Unibrow with his fork. BERNARD (Not kidding.) I will stab you with this fork. I am not playing around. WONKY Why do we have to be on the Gorillas, anyway? We can just start our own team. RAHIB Bad idea. My older brother played against the Gorillas five years ago. He was in the big game, even. He saw a kid get hit so hard in the throat that the kid couldn’t talk anymore. WONKY Yeah, right. RAHIB Shit. Ask Nurse Rogers. I can’t risk injury, Wonky. I've got my theatre career to be thinking about, you know? I’m in the musical. WONKY Well, I don’t have an theatre career. UNIBROW You don't have a track career, either.
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WONKY Fine. You guys can do whatever you want, but I'm gonna try out. Who’s with me? No one. WONKY Come on, Furgie? I know you wanna do this, you know more about kickball than anyone. Lying next to Furgie’s tray is the official World Kickball Association rule book. FURGIE Sorry, Wonky. Experiencing humiliation over a lost cause isn't something I can handle. Furgie retires the book to his backpack. WONKY Wendell? We’ll get to eat pizza and swim passes. Wendell stops licking the inside of his pudding cup. WENDELL I wanna eat some swim passes! WONKY GREAT! YES! THANK YOU, WENDELL! Wonky stands, tries to high five Wendell, who continues licking the pudding out of the cup. WONKY (Moving on.) Alright, you guys, you just wait and see! While you're sitting in Math or English or History, me and Wendell are going to be swimming, and eating pizza, and making out with hot girls, and NOT LEARNING ANYTHING! Wonky gets shoved over by Anthony, who is surrounded by some GOONS. ANTHONY WOAH! WOAH! Let me get this straight. (MORE)
17. ANTHONY (cont'd) You, the gimp who can barely stand up, and the special Ed kid are gonna try out for the Gorillas?!
WONKY (Confident.) Yeah. We are. ANTHONY (To Wonky.) I don't know whether I should kick your ass for being a moron or shake your hand for making me laugh so hard. UNIBROW (Quietly. To Rahib.) Did he laugh? RAHIB No, he did not. ANTHONY Hey, Furgie! You gonna eat that? Anthony points towards Furgie’s pudding. Furgie looks down. FURGIE (Routine.) Well, I was planning to, but you can go ahead and pour it on my head. ANTHONY Cool. Anthony dumps the pudding on Furgie’s head. Furgie doesn’t move. FURGIE Thank you. ANTHONY No problem. Anthony grabs Wonky’s sack lunch. ANTHONY Look at all of you, with your sack lunches. (Throwing the sack down.) Sack lunches are for little gaywads who still wet the bed.
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BERNARD That’s what I’ve been saying! ANTHONY You better shut your fat mouth before we dump gravy on your big ass, and serve you up with a side a mashed potatoes. Anthony and the goons laugh. UNIBROW So, wait, you’re saying you guys wanna eat Bernard’s ass? They stop laughing. ANTHONY No. UNIBROW That’s what you just said. Bernard nods and smiles. ANTHONY I wasn’t...No! I... (Pause.) I’m gonna kick your ass! Anthony picks up a screaming Furgie, tosses him out of the way before lunging at Unibrow. Rahib's milk gets knocked over in the scuffle. RAHIB Not cool, man. Rahib slams his sandwich into Anthony’s face, smearing it. The obligatory food fight begins. Chaos ensues at the Chester. A. Arthur Memorial cafeteria. Food flies in all directions from every table. The janitor's office door gets nailed with a tray of food. PHIL, the school janitor, swings the door open and lets out a high pitched scream. He slams the door. INT. JANITOR'S OFFICE - DAY RAMON, the other janitor, reads a newspaper.
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Phil frantically searches for something, trashing the room. He finds a hammer, looking towards an emergency glass case containing a special mop. Phil breaks the case, grabs the mop, and charges back into the madness. Ramon continues reading. INT. CAFETERIA - DAY Phil, terrified, stands in front of the door. He charges forward, screaming in a Braveheart fashion. INT. MCDOUCHE'S OFFICE - DAY Jack, seated in a leather chair, back to camera, answers his ringing phone. JACK What do you want? He slams the phone down, spins his chair around. JACK Dear God. Jack pulls a hammer out of his desk, breaks his own glass case containing a special whistle. He exits. INT. THE HALLS OF CHESTER A. ARTHUR JUNIOR HIGH - DAY Jack storms through the halls, plowing through anything, anyone standing in his way. INT. CAFETERIA - DAY Jack enters. Though out of breath, he still halts the fighting with his whistle. The kids, as well as Phil, are covered in food. MCDOUCHE (Obnoxious screaming.) So, was it fun?! DID EVERYONE HAVE A GOOD TIME?! FOOD FIGHT! HOORAY! Let's all throw food around like a bunch of HOOLIGANS! INGRATES! NEVER IN MY LIFE... (Regaining composure.) (MORE)
20. MCDOUCHE (cont'd) ...have I seen such a waste of good nutritious cafeteria food. Now, I want to know who started this because if I don't find out...you will all pay dearly, and I'm not just talking about detentions. No no no. I’m talking about pain. I’m going go down the line, and hit everyone one of you with a metal object, or a big stick, or something.
Lubert runs out of the lunch line, shouting in an untranslatable Chechen language. JACK Great! I hope you're happy. You hurt Lubert’s feelings. To think I went through all the trouble of finding a world renowned Chechen chef to cook for all you little monsters. Lubert pulls out a giant knife, threatening the kids. JACK That won’t be necessary, Lubert. I know how to handle this. (He smiles) FURGESON! Jack beckons Furgie, who complies. JACK (CONT’D) (Friendly. Supportive.) I know I’ve been tough on you, called you a pussy, but this is your chance to grow those balls we talked about. (Pause.) Now, come on, little buddy. You just tell your friend Jack who started all this. It isn’t snitching, Furgie. It’s just being honest. Pause. FURGIE Anthony. McDouche pats Furgie softly on the back. He nods in approval then turns to everyone else.
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JACK (Game show host.) Ladies and gentlemen, we have a tattle tale! FURGIE You said... JACK Anthony? This young man, right here, Furgeson, whom you probably know and can beat up, just informed me, behind your back, that you started the food fight? Is that true? Anthony glares at Furgie. ANTHONY Yes sir. JACK I’m very surprised, Anthony. I assume you had a good reason. ANTHONY Rahib dissed my mama… RAHIB What?! Jack nods, understandingly. JACK Rahib. Our resident trouble maker. Up to no good again. RAHIB He's lying to you. Blatantly. JACK I hear you’re in the school musical. What is it called? Gays and Dolls. Jack laughs. RAHIB It’s a musical adaptation of Othello. JACK You can’t play Othello, you’re black.
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RAHIB Don’t you teach the Shakespeare class? Greg arrives on the scene unnoticed. JACK Rahib, for being such a smart kid and talented singer, you sure have terrible conduct, and let me tell you... Jack gets in Rahib’s face. JACK (Very serious.) That is why you will fail in life. You will fail at everything you ever attempt. You and all of your reject friends here. A bunch of failures in training. WONKY Sir, Rahib didn't say anything. Anthony caused all of this. He was the one who started throwing the food! ANTHONY Well, sir. I was throwing food, but only because I wanted to make sure my arm was still in good shape before the Gorilla try-outs today. McDouche smiles, nods his head. JACK (A Full House moment.) I understand, but there is more to life than kickball. I remember when I was your age, I'd sweat bullets non-stop for weeks before try-outs. Kickball is a game, Anthony. Games are fun. Nothing more, nothing less. Besides, you’re the best player. It only seems logical to put you on the best team. The bell rings. Jack admires the bell.
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JACK (CONT’D) Whoops! You better get to class. I'll see you this afternoon. Okay, champ? He pats Anthony reassuringly on the arm. ANTHONY Yes, sir. Thank you. Anthony exits. The other kids, in a state of confusion, stand silent. RANDY What just happened? JACK Alright, failures! You're gonna clean up this entire cafeteria. (Pointing.) With Janitor Phil! PHIL But I didn’t... JACK Shut up, Janitor Phil. Puke cleaner positions are not hard to fill these days, what with all the illegal immigrants clogging America’s pores. Besides, the kids need to see a fully developed failure in action. A scream off camera. Ramon, shocked, stares at his cafeteria. JACK Ah, Ramon. Tu trabajar. You work. Clean. El mop-o. RAMON (Unable to speak.) I...I... JACK (Big implied gestures.) Yes, YOU. You, Ramon. Me, Assistant Principal McDouche. You take el mopo and el cleano la cafeteria por favor.
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RAMON (No trace of an accent.) I speak English, Jack. I went to high school with you. JACK BIEN RAMON! BIEN! Speaking ingles es muy importante. Esspanol is por... (An aside, to Ramon.) ...dirty Mexicans. Ramon’s eyes widen. RAHIB What about Anthony?! JACK Anthony is a confused young man dealing with the stress of being cool and popular. He can't waste energy mopping floors. He's trying out for the Gorillas this afternoon. Jack turns to Rahib. WONKY Me and Wendell are trying out too! JACK That's impossible. The gimp who can barely stand and the special Ed kid playing kickball on my team?! Jack laughs, shakes his head. JACK You "handi-capable" kids. Always with the crazy "handi-capable" ambitions. Too funny! Greg approaches. GREG WAIT ONE FIRE TRUCKIN’ MINUTE! JACK I’m handling this, Greg. GREG I’m sorry, Jack, but you’re way out of line!
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JACK Am I out of line, Greg? Or are you just a little sensitive towards the subject matter... Jack slaps Greg's fake arm, which falls off. GREG (Awkwardly replacing his arm.) I am tired of you treating these kids like they're losers. Greg gets his arm in place. GREG The trumpets have sounded and the meek will inherit! JACK You can’t say churchy bible things at school! You’re in real trouble now, Greg! Real big fucking trouble! GREG Wonky and Wendell here want to play some kickball. I see no reason why they can't. JACK They won't be playing on my team. GREG You're right. (Standing tall.) They'll play on mine. Wonky-Leg’s eyes brighten. JACK You can’t coach. There’s a two arm minimum. I’m sure that’s a rule. Furgie holds up the rule book. FURGIE No, it isn’t. I’ve read the entire rule book for the World Kickball Association, and I never saw anything like that. JACK Quiet, you little know-it-all.
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Greg pauses. GREG We'll see you and your Gorillas in the finals. No. We'll beat you and your Gorillas in the finals, so you better practice real hard, Jack. Jack cackles. JACK You losers couldn't beat my team even if you yourself came into the game. Even with four arms. FURGIE Technically, he does have forearms. Well, one at least. JACK (In Furgie’s face.) Damnit, Furgie! Homonyms are for homos, and Mickey Mouse crap like that can get a man bitch-slapped. GREG (In Furgie’s face, also.) Furgie, you did nothing wrong. You're a good person. You say what you want, as long it falls within the unrestricted language deemed appropriate by a public junior high school. Furgie’s attention moves back and forth. JACK Furgie, you did do something wrong, and you’re not a good person. You’re a wussy panty-waist! GREG Furgie, you’re creative, intelligent, and a blessing in this world! JACK You're a little pube who doesn't deserve to lick the toilet in the football locker room!
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GREG Pubes are a part of life! We all have them! It's part of being human! Jack snaps. JACK WHAT THE FUCK, BUTTERNUTS?! JESUS CHRIST! I am so sick of your girlyass positive reinforcement hoopla garbage! If you want to coach a team of inadequates, that is your prerogative. I, however, will hold my tryouts this afternoon. I'm going to get all the best players and I am going to coach CHAMPIONS!! (Jack blows his stack.) Have fun sucking, you little suckwads! Jacks storms off. Greg turns to the group, looks around at all the wiener kids. A beat. GREG Guys, I know I'm just the guidance counselor. I'm not as tough, as aggressive, or as complete as Assistant Principal McDouche. I drink tea in the morning, I eat peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for lunch everyday, and I'm not afraid to talk about my feelings when I really need to. (Speaking very sincerely.) I can't guarantee we'll win, that I'll be a good coach. Heck, I can't even guarantee that some of you won't get hit in the throat with a kickball and die out there on that field. Rahib gulps. GREG But what I can guarantee... (Pause.) ...is a lot of friendship, support, and fun. So. Will you join me? The kids look at each other. Wonky, determined, looks at Greg.
28.
WONKY I will. Wonky looks at Wendell, who has stuffed some napkins up his nose. Wendell looks at Greg. WENDELL The celery made my nose bleed. Greg nods at Wendell. GREG What about the rest of you? No response. Throughout the monologue, he ascends the table, preaching. GREG (CONT’D) Other kids look at you guys and what do they say: Losers. Nerds. Pansies. Pussies. Gimp. Retard. Fat ass. Pizza face. Booger eating morons. Freaks. Geeks. Gang bangers and faggoty Jews. But you know what I say: Genius. Talent. Champions. Greg adjusts his fake hand into a declarative point, raising his fake arm. GREG And by God, I'll give my other arm if it means forcing the rest of the world to say it with me. What do you say, kids? Are you ready to show all of Chester A. Arthur junior high that you're more than a bunch of failures?! The kids cheer. GREG Let’s play some kickball! Greg’s arm falls off. Silence. GREG Yes. Well, I’ve got some projects and things back in my office, and you should probably get back to class, so...yeah... A beat. They exit.
29.
Phil and Ramon remain with the messy cafeteria. Abandoned. RAMON I hate working here. EXT. THE KICKBALL FIELD - DAY A Gorilla’s try-out montage. An intense process, many kids find themselves collapsing from the work, enduring the screams of Assistant Principal McDouche. One exercise involves pegging a dummy with a kickball. Some kids hit the dummy, but not hard enough. One kid misses completely, leading McDouche to throw a kickball at him, screaming. Anthony rattles the dummy with a kickball. McDouche nods, stern, but pleased. AMANDA COLLINS, actually a girl, incognito, launches a kickball into the dummy, knocking the head off. McDouche notes this, smiling. INT. THE SCIENCE LAB - DAY GREG stands at the chalkboard in front of a small, but eager group of wieners and rejects. The chalkboard reads KICKBALL “TRY-OUTS,” with the word “try-outs” in quotes. GREG Kids, I want to thank you all for coming to the try-outs... (An large implied quote gesture.) I’m sorry we couldn't get the field, but this should work just fine.. A kickball flies by Greg, breaking some beakers and other science lab items. GREG You can't do that in here, Randy. RANDY (Blind.) Sorry. GREG (Smiling.) Now, this is going to be a sort of special try-out. (MORE)
30. GREG (cont'd) We're sort of like the pioneers. Do you remember learning about them, kids? In history? Well, that's what we are. At this try-out, all you have to do is stand up and say "here" when you're name is called, and that's it. Stand. Say you're here. You're on the team. Everyone understand?
Silence. GREG Sure, you do. Because you're all so smart, and you're all wonderful people. So, here we go! INT. THE KICKBALL FIELD - DAY A larger, more intimidating mob of JOCKS gather in front of a chalk board. McDouche smirks, reviewing his cut list. JACK (His back to the kids.) Congratulations, you’ve all reached the best part of any try-out process, the fork in the road where the men are separated from the boys. (He turns around, very serious.) I could say that I'm proud of each and every one of you. For coming out here, giving it your best shot... (Pause.) But that would be lying. The simple fact is sometimes people just aren't good enough. It's life. Deal with it. Move on. Jack raises the clipboard for everyone to see. JACK I hold, in my hand, a list of names. These choice individuals have wasted my time this afternoon. (Lowering the clipboard.) (MORE)
31. JACK (cont'd) When I call your name, I want you to stand, so I can tell you the reasons why you did not make the team and thus, you can experience the public humiliation that comes with failure.
Jack looks at the list. JACK WILLIAMS! You're slow. An easy target. Hang your head in shame. INT. THE SCIENCE LAB - DAY Greg reads his own list. GREG Rahib, my main g-dawg. Rahib places his head on the desk. RAHIB (Sighing, looking up.) Great. GREG (A friendly correction.) Here, Rahib. You say here. RAHIB Here. GREG Welcome aboard my brotha. Make sure you stay hard as a mofo out there. Word? RAHIB Word? GREG (A communication breakthrough.) Fresh. RAHIB Fresh? GREG (Nodding. An understanding.) Word.
32.
Silence. RAHIB I don’t know what to say to you. GREG Just say “here” again. RAHIB Here. GREG Super! EXT. THE KICKBALL FIELD - DAY Jack continues. JACK HODGES! The resident cry baby. You didn’t make the team because of the incident we had this afternoon where you cried like a three year old! Hodges? Brad Hodges, stand your ass up! KID His Mom died in a car wreck this morning. JACK Oh. (Pause.) Well, gentlemen, for the record, crying is not okay. The gayfriendly media might disagree, but this isn't California, and we don't stand for those kinds here. Suck it up cause you're dudes, and dudes don't cry. Ever. Am I clear? INT. THE SCIENCE LAB - DAY Greg scratches the space between his eyebrows with his index finger, looking down at the clipboard. GREG Jeffy. Unibrow stands.
33.
UNIBROW Here. Greg stops scratching, his finger forming a unibrow. He casually removes his finger from the unibrow position to avoid hurting Jeffy’s feelings. Greg continues. GREG Bernard Weinberg. Bernard munches away at bag of unhealthy chips. He belches. GREG (An acceptable answer.) Fantastic. EXT. THE KICKBALL FIELD - DAY Jack continues. JACK Okay...who’s next... Jack scans the list. JACK CLARK! You run like a girl, and I have it on good faith that you sit down when you pee. Don’t forget your purse on the way out, Sally. AMANDA That is totally inappropriate. Amanda removes her beanie. Jack notices, jumps. JACK Collins! You're a girl?! AMANDA Is that a problem? JACK (As before.) You're a girl?! Jack falls to his knee. Turning away, he breaks into a Shakespearean monologue.
34.
JACK (CONT’D) (Tormented.) Oh, intolerable cruelty, your pangs of despair pierced my blackened heart. (To the Heavens.) Father, forgive me. I have failed you... Jack keels over, forehead in the grass. The kids watch all of this, worried and confused. JACK (Looking up.) Wait. A plan. A brilliant plan. Jack stands, turning back around, normal. JACK (CONT’D) Sweetie, don't you think you'd rather do something less important? AMANDA No. Jack re-assumes soliloquy position. JACK (CONT’D) FOILED! From the depths of my mind, a reason must be unearthed. This wicked curse taunts the very nature of my soul. She must be finished. I must be whole again. Jack stands, turning back around, normal, again. He consults the list. JACK (CONT’D) COLLINS! You are...not good. At kickball. Sorry, you didn't make the team. AMANDA Oh yeah, let me see the list. JACK Oh, you’re on the list. You’re all over it, in fact. AMANDA Let me see it. Jack freezes. Soliloquy.
35.
JACK Father! Show me the way. I'll follow you into the depths of Hell with your cold with conquering hands guiding me. Jack scratches his forehead with a pen. Light bulb. JACK (CONT’D) (The pen. Of course.) Yes! Thank you, father. With this indelible ink, I shall smite mine enemy, a vengeful blow, and end this devil woman. Jack, discreet, but not, writes Amanda’s name on the paper. JACK (Writing.) Yes. Oh, Yes. Jack turns back around. JACK (CONT’D) Sorry, pumpkin, it's right at the bottom of the list. Right here. See? (Sensitive.) You know, we really could use a manager. You could wash towels, pour water into little paper cups, bake some brownies, or cookies. We're not picky. It’d be your special job. Brownies, cookies, you can bake whatever you want. Mmmkay? AMANDA No, thank you. Amanda grabs her gear. JACK Look, kitten, there’s no need to take this personally. It's not your fault. It's just a proven, scientific fact that girls aren't good at anything. Amanda freezes, gripping her kickball. She breathes, suppressing her rage, beginning her exit.
36.
JACK (CONT’D) (Yelling after her.) I hope I can still count on you to cheer us on at the big tournament, sweetheart! Amanda leaves to a chorus of laughter. INT. THE LOCKER ROOM - DAY Amanda enters the locker room, on the verge of tears, she eyeballs a water fountain. Hung above it, a poster of Assistant Principal McDouche which reads "No Mouth Contact With The Water Fountain." She grips the ball, launching it into the water fountain. It detaches from the wall, water shooting out in all directions. She runs off. INT. THE SCIENCE LAB - DAY Greg continues. GREG ...and last, but not least, Danny Walker. Wonky stands. WONKY Here! Wonky falls. GREG Oh, careful there, Wonky. Amanda runs into the room, scared, slamming the door behind her. GREG Well, hello there... AMANDA (Realizing she’s not alone.) Hi. Greg approaches her. GREG How may I help you, young lady?
37.
AMANDA Well, ummm. I was just, uh... GREG You must be here for the kickball try-outs. Wonderful! Don't be shy. Let me introduce you to everyone. Greg drags Amanda to the front of the class. GREG Guys, this is... (Pause.) What's your name, young lady? AMANDA Amanda Collins... GREG Guys, this is Amanda Collins. The team stares, horrified. AMANDA (Trapped.) Hi. No one speaks, too afraid. Awkward silence. GREG Well, this is just great. With Amanda on our team, we'll only be one man short. (Remembering Amanda.) Ooh. Person short, I mean to say. Amanda smiles, content. GREG And you know, if we train hard and never stop believing, I think we can pick up the slack! Bernard belches. GREG Practice starts tomorrow! EXT. THE SCHOOL - DAY Jenn, one of the school nurses, waits by her blue minivan. Greg exits the school. He spots her, panics, and hides behind a bush.
38.
GREG (Nervous, to himself.) Come on, Greg. Every day, it's the same thing. Just go talk to her. You're nice, you're interesting. Just casually approach her, find out her name, and go from there. He steals a second glance from behind the bush. GREG Ready and go! Greg starts to move, but doesn’t. GREG Go!...And now!...One, two, THREE! Wonky-Legs runs past Greg and into the arms of Jenn, his mother. GREG Go!...Go!...Now! Wonky-Legs and Jenn drive off in the minivan. GREG (Trailing off, deflated.) Go...go...See ya...later. INT. CAFETERIA - NIGHT It's midnight. Ramon and Phil are still mopping the cafeteria. Ramon looks at his watch. RAMON It’s midnight. Ramon stops. Phil does not. RAMON I can't believe this work atmosphere. There are rules, you know? Schools are government-funded institutions. We’re bureaucrats. Ramon throws his mop down. RAMON Mopping floors in the middle of the night! THIS IS CRAZY! I’m not even supposed to be doing this, man. I went to college. I’m a certified math teacher.
39.
PHIL You’re a math teacher? RAMON Jack said this was just a temp job. Ramon continues mopping. RAMON He’s lucky I love getting high at work every day ‘cause otherwise I’d be outta here. INT. HALLWAY - DAY The next day. Passing period. JACK (V.O.) Attention students, due to yesterday’s little situation, the school cafeteria will be closed today. INT. HISTORY CLASS - DAY The wiener kids sit together near the front, listening to the announcement. JACK (V.O.) All students playing on my kickball team, the Gorillas, report to the lecture hall where your lunch will be catered by the Olive Garden for the remainder of the week. Anthony and the goons sit near the back. They smile at each other. JACK (V.O.) As for the rest of you, I hope you have sack lunches. (Laughing.) That'll teach you little bastards. BERNARD Aww, man. Bernard slams his head down.
40.
INT. PRINCIPAL MEYER'S OFFICE - DAY Greg enters, smiling, sneaky. Principal Meyer does not turn around. PRINCIPAL MEYER Hello, Greg. Principal Meyer spins around. GREG You caught me again, Sir! Maybe I start using the other door. Greg laughs. PRINCIPAL MEYER There’s only one door, Greg. Greg looks at the door, stops laughing. GREG (Confused.) Right. (Moving on.) Sir, I'm sure you've heard already that I'm going to coach one of the kickball teams. PRINCIPAL MEYER (Pleased.) I did. GREG I was hoping you could give me some direction. I've never really coached before, and I don't honestly know where to get started. We don't even have a place to practice. PRINCIPAL MEYER What about the field? GREG Yeah, right. Take the field away from Jack? It'll never happen. PRINCIPAL MEYER Why not? GREG He’s used that field for ten years. He'll never just give it up.
41.
PRINCIPAL MEYER We have a system here at Chester A. Arthur Junior High. Jack doesn't just get the field, he has to sign up for it. You’ve got to respect the sign-up system, Greg. Principal Meyer smiles at Greg, winking. Greg nods. PRINCIPAL MEYER He reserved the field for try outs, but I looked at the list. He’s yet to make arrangements for his practices. GREG Interesting. Pause. No one moves. PRINCIPAL MEYER That means you should go sign up for it. Go talk to Gloria. GREG I see. Greg nods, not moving. PRINCIPAL MEYER You're wasting time. GREG Right. Greg still doesn’t move. PRINCIPAL MEYER Get out of my office, Greg. Greg smiles before exiting. JACK (V.O.) (Screaming.) GLORIA!! INT. THE OFFICE OF PRINCIPAL MEYER'S SECRETARY - DAY Jack runs into the office, holding the sign up list. GLORIA, the secretary, doesn’t care.
42.
JACK Gloria, you wretched bitch! You let Butternuts get his grubby little hand on my field! It’s my field, Gloria! My field! It has my name all over it! EXT. THE KICKBALL FIELD - DAY "McDouche Bag" is written on the Chester A. Arthur Memorial Field sign. INT. THE OFFICE OF PRINCIPAL MEYER’S SECRETARY - DAY Gloria, smiles, unaffected. GLORIA Oh, your name’s all over it, Jack? Well, that’s funny, because Chester A. Arthur's name is all over it too, so by your logic, that technically, makes it his field as well, doesn’t it? (An idea.) Why don’t I give him a call for you? See if I can pull some strings. One sec. She picks up the phone, dialing a few random numbers, never breaking eye-contact with Jack. GLORIA (On the phone.) Hello, Former President Chester A. Arthur? This is Gloria, Principal Meyer’s fat and ugly secretary... (Listening.) What’s that, Mr. President? Tell Jack he's a dickhead and keep him from ever getting your field. Sure thing, Mr. President, and good luck with that Chinese Exclusion Act of 1882. JACK This isn't funny, Gloria! Greg hasn't done one thing to earn that field over me! GLORIA He signed up first.
43.
JACK That's not the issue, Gloria! The issue is it's my field! GLORIA I thought we decide it’s Chester A. Arthur's field. You want me to call him again? Gloria smiles. JACK You're really getting a kick of this aren't you, Gloria. Well, listen closely. While you're getting your kicks here, I'm working my way up the ladder, and soon, Gloria, I will be principal. Jack smiles, threatening. JACK Then, I'll be the one getting the kicks. I'll be kicking your ass out on the street. Why don’t you make a phone call about that, you little twat? Jack exits. Gloria sits, frozen, shocked. INT. THE HALLS OF CHESTER A. ARTHUR JUNIOR HIGH - DAY Jack marches through the hallway, the Gorillas gathering behind him, an angry mob. JACK BUTTERNUTS! BUTTERNUTS! He breaks through a gathering of kids, aggressively shoving some out of frame. JACK WE'RE COMING FOR YOU BUTTERNUTS! INT. CHESTER A. ARTHUR MEMORIAL KICKBALL FIELD - DAY The misfits stand around, awkward. Greg, off to the side, isolated, slowly unzips a bag. Taking a deep breath, he removes a blue kickball, remembering. He turns to the kids.
44.
GREG Okay, guys and gals. This is a kickball. Despite the misleading name, kickball is more than a game of kicking balls. In fact, historical documents tell of how Ancient Greeks referred to it as Klotso Mpala. Which scholars roughly translate to mean kickball. Jack storms the field. JACK BUTTERNUTS! GREG Excuse me, Jack. This is a closed practiced. JACK You're on my field, Greg. GREG (Nervous.) Actually, if you consult with Gloria, you'll notice that I signed up for the field, first. Fair and square. JACK Maybe you should go consult with my foot, that which will be up your ass if you and your little squadron of scrotums don't get off my field. WENDELL You're a poop head. The kids all laugh. UNIBROW (Laughing.) Good one, Wendell. Jack obnoxiously mock-laughs at the misfits. JACK We'll play you for it. The kids stop laughing. JACK Your guys versus mine. If you win, you get the field. (MORE)
45. JACK (cont'd) And I’ll see to it that no one on my team hounds any of your kids again. (To Anthony.) You got that?
ANTHONY Yes, sir. JACK (Dramatic.) But if we win. You and your reject team, if we can really call them a team, will pack up your gear and walk away. That's the bet. GREG (Dramatic.) ...and if we win? JACK (Dropping the drama.) I already said that part. Pay attention, Butternuts, this isn't a fucking mensa puzzle. You walk away! Greg glares at Jack. GREG You're on. Furgie screams. McDouche smiles. JACK Big mistake, Greg. From behind him, the Gorillas emerge, casting a shadow over Greg's misfit team. Jack’s dark laughter inspires a gulp from Greg, who realizes his mistake. INT. CHESTER A. ARTHUR MEMORIAL KICKBALL FIELD - DAY The scrimmage. Phil, the assigned umpire, blows a whistle. Ramon munches on some chips next to the bleachers, watching the game, but genuinely uninterested. PHIL Play ball! The Misfits gather around Greg.
46.
GREG (Unsure of himself.) Ok. Ok. We can do it! Furgie take third base, ummm...Bernard pitch...uhh... (A lost pause.) I tell you what. The rest of you guys just run onto the field, and figure out who should play what. Go get ‘em! The kids run onto the field. Wonky approaches a sweaty Greg. WONKY We’re a player short, Coach. What do we do? GREG (Facing a nervous breakdown.) Okay. I can solve this. What would Jim Abbot do? Ok. Wonky, you cover right center, and Rahib can cover left center? WONKY Are you sure about that? GREG (Comforting himself, borderline insanity.) Of course, I’m sure. Yes. That’ll be just fine. You’re talented, and smart, and can easily run long distances. Just set your mind to it. Yes. Everything will be just fine. WONKY (Backing away.) Okay, coach. GREG (Staring off.) Yes. Just fine. Just fine. Jack, in the dugout, rouses the team. JACK It’s not worth winning if you don’t make someone cry, boys! KICK SOME ASS! YEAH! The Gorilla’s cheer.
47.
EXT. CHESTER A. ARTHUR MEMORIAL KICKBALL FIELD - DAY Phil dusts off home plate. PHIL Kicker up! The Gorilla’s first kicker confidently strolls to the plate. Bernard, the pitcher, nervous, rolls an easy one. Contact. A high-flyer to right field. Wonky-Legs, the right fielder, charges the ball as best he can. The ball bounces, rolling past him. He turns, runs after it. Rahib, coming from the Left-Center position, passes Wonky, reaching the ball, the point already scored. GREG (Clapping.) That's all right, Wonky. You'll get the next one. Next kicker. Again, a high-flyer to right field. Wonky charges, but the exact same thing happens, Rahib fielding the ball. GREG (Clapping.) That's all right, Wonky. You'll get the next one. Greg rubs his forehead. The runner scores. JACK Oh, sweet Jesus. This is incredible. The heartbreak. The heartbreak. Third kicker. Again, to right field. Wonky, filled with a burning determination, charges faster than ever before. A misread, the ball lands behind him. Frustrated, almost in tears, Wonky turns to chase after it. Rahib fields it, but not in time, making the score 3-0. GREG (Frozen.) Oh my God. The clean-up kicker, ANTHONY, approaches the box. Bernard, clearly shaken, pitches. Anthony kicks it. It flies to right field, again. Wonky chases it, slamming into the fence, which the ball surpasses.
48.
Home-run. Anthony rounds the bases, glaring at Furgie, passing third. JACK Don't get too cocky there, Anthony. That one barely cleared the fence. Play better, gentlemen. Always play better. The next kicker makes contact. The ball bounces, hitting Furgie in the shin. He throws the ball to first base, covered by Unibrow. A bad catch/throw combination sends the ball loose in foul territory. Unibrow stumbles after it, quickly tossing it to second base, covered by Randy. The ball hits the visually impaired Randy in the face, rolls into the outfield, another error. The gorilla rounds second base, dashing to third. Amanda, the short-stop, grabs the ball in the outfield. The kicker rounds third. Amanda launches the ball. With amazing speed, the ball crashes into the kicker’s back just before he reaches home. The impact sends him flying into the fence. JACK WHAT THE FGREG FANTASTIC! One out. Celebration. Greg, shocked, jumps for joy with the team, as though they won the World Series of Kickball. JACK Come on. IT’S ONE OUT! Two Gorillas carry their injured teammate to the dugout. Jack shoves them off, grabs the injured gorilla by his shoulders. JACK You do realize you were pegged by a girl, son. GORILLA KID #1 Yes, sir. Jack throws Gorilla Kid #1 into the dug out.
49.
JACK (To himself.) That was a girl who thew that ball. Jack shakes his head. JACK Ok, game on! Are we here to play kickball or what?! Greg calls for a time-out, approaches Bernard on the mound. GREG Bernard, you're pitching one heck of game. BERNARD I'm pitching like shit. GREG You’re pitching one heck of game, Bernard. For now though, why don't we try something a little different? Greg turns to the short-stop. GREG Amanda! The mound is yours. AMANDA Really? Thanks, Coach. She runs up to the mound. BERNARD Well, what the hell am I supposed to do? GREG Why don't you play short stop? BERNARD I wanna play catcher. That’s where the fat kids play, you idiot. Not pitcher. Not short-shop. Catcher! GREG Well, we have a fine catcher right now, Bernard. Wendell, the catcher, unabashedly picks his nose. Waves to the mound.
50.
GREG Besides, no one should live their whole life trapped in some obdurate stereotype. You play short stop. BERNARD Whatever. GREG Amanda, lets give 'em some of that boom boom pow I've heard so much about on that MTV channel you kids love. Confused by great coaching, Amanda takes the mound. The kicker steps up to the plate. She launches her first pitch. Strike one. Everyone watches, wide-eyed. GREG Oh wow. Another pitch. Strike two. GREG Oh wow. A third pitch, and a third strike. GREG Oh wow-wee wow. The rejects cheer Amanda on. The kicker walks to the dugout, cautiously moves past Jack, who’s cold stare never gives way. Jack shoves the kid from behind. JACK (To himself.) This can’t be right. CRAP! Jack turns to the dugout. JACK LISTEN UP! NEW PLAN! Greg claps. GREG One more out to go! You can do it, Amanda! (Catching himself.) I mean, Team! The next kicker approaches the plate. Jack gives him a signal.
51.
The kicker nods, looking at Bernard, who lazily occupies the short-stop position. The pitch from Amanda. The kicker adjusts his angle, simply sticks it foot out over the plate. The Gorilla makes contact, the ball ricochetting towards Bernard, who takes it in the stomach. He falls over, pained, but still holding on for the out. He doesn’t get up. Greg runs onto the field. GREG Bernard, are you okay? Bernard doesn't move, still clenching tight to the ball, a thousand-mile stare. GREG Can you say something, bud? Greg moves in real close, listening. BERNARD (Screaming in Greg’s ear.) OWWWWW! Pause. GREG (Loud. Deaf.) ALRIGHT THEN. Greg lifts Bernard off the ground, the kickball still lodged in his stomach. GREG Wonky, could you run Bernard to Nurse Rogers' office? WONKY (Relieved.) Thank you, God. Wonky and Bernard exit the field. JACK Congratulations Butternuts! Your team is crumbling. The team huddles together, hands stacked in the middle, Greg’s fake arm on top. GREG Don't listen to him, fellas! Just think of this game like the Alamo. (MORE)
52. GREG (cont'd) They're the three thousand Mexicans, and we're the brave Texans helplessly trapped inside. AND BREAK!
Greg slaps the stack of hands with his fake arm, runs off. Furgie is up first. Anthony, the pitcher, rolls the ball inside, so that it nearly hits Furgie. Furgie jumps back, falling over. GREG Come on, Jack! This is just a game! Your guys are playing for blood! JACK This is a war, Greg. Blood will be shed. (Clapping.) Way to brush 'em back, Anthony! That is your plate. Anthony pitches. Furgie makes contact. GREG YES! YES!! GOOD KICK FURGIE! Anthony easily fields it, smiles, and pegs Furgie in the head. A punch-drunk Furgie trips back to the dugout. GREG Good effort, Furgie… FURGIE Thanks… In Furgie’s mind, Greg’s face is covered with pudding. GREG (In Furgie’s mind.) Hello, Furgie. Would you like some delicious pudding? Greg raises a pudding cup. Furgie nods before running his finger down Greg’s face, scooping up pudding and tasting. GREG (In Furgie’s mind.) Yes, delicious pudding. Mmmm. Have as much as you want? It’s alright. Furgie scoops up more pudding.
53.
Back to reality. Greg, stands in horror, Furgie petting his face. GREG You think you can make it to the nurse on your own, Furgie… Furgie smiles and nods. GREG Okay. Furgie, still nodding, walks off. Jack turns to team. JACK It’s working, Men! Hurt them. HURT THEM ALL! EXT. CHESTER A. ARTHUR MEMORIAL KICKBALL FIELD - DAY A montage of the misfit team crumbling. Randy gets hit in the face. He goes to the nurse. Unibrow gets hit in the back. He goes to the nurse. Wendell gets hit in the balls. He goes to the nurse. Rahib gets hit in the throat. He panics. RAHIB (Yelling to Greg.) DID YOU SEE WHAT JUST HAPPENED TO ME?! I GOT HIT IN THE THROAT! Greg calls a time out, runs onto the field GREG Are you okay, Rahib? RAHIB It's only the first game, and I got hit in the throat. GREG You seem to be fine. Remember how we talked about staying hard as a mofo. RAHIB I’m in the school musical. This kickball to the throat shit can’t happen. That’s potentially careerending.
54.
GREG Rahib, I certainly do feel you. I'm nay no down with kickballs in anyone's throat. I just think we should hizold on the shizzle before we go jumping to any hasty decisions, word? Silence. RAHIB I'm leaving. Rahib walks off. Amanda, looks around, the only one left on the field. The Gorillas laugh. JACK Time-out, Phil. PHIL Yeah, ok. Phil unabashedly sparks a joint with Ramon. Jack approaches Greg. JACK I’m not here to tell you how to coach your team, but I think we're rapidly approaching forfeit time. GREG (Furious.) No way, JACK! We're not gonna give up! I'm not gonna give up on these kids! DO YOU HEAR ME?! I'M NOT GIVING UP! Amanda walks by. GREG (A sudden panic.) Amanda, where are you going?! Amanda! AMANDA It's over, Coach. Let 'em have their stupid field. Greg watches her walk away. He turns to a smiling Jack.
55.
JACK (A quiet intensity.) Get off my field, Greg. Greg starts walking. JACK ...and don't come back till you've got yourself a real team! Jack smiles for a moment. JACK (Hostile.) Ok, boys! That was a piss poor warmup! Take the field! We've got a lot of practicing to do. FOUR DAYS, MEN. FOUR DAYS... The words “FOUR DAYS” echo in Greg’s mind as he walks off alone. INT. NURSE ROGERS' OFFICE - DAY The nurse's office is filled with nearly the entire team of wieners. Bernard lies on the hospital bed with a sheet covering the kickball shape bulge in his stomach. Others hold ice packs to their injuries. Nurse Rogers examines Wonky. NURSE ROGERS (To everyone.) Well, this little boy is clearly crippled. WONKY I just walked Bernard over here. Nurse Rogers pours Jack Daniels into her coffee. Greg enters. GREG Hey, guys! Silence. The kids don't make eye contact. Greg’s sighs. He takes a seat next to Wendell, who holds an ice pack on his crotch. GREG You know what I think the problem was today? You guys weren't having any fun out there. Oh yeah. I've seen it a million times. (MORE)
56. GREG (cont'd) If you have fun, you'll win because you’re having fun. So, next practice, we'll just up the fun a little bit, and that will lead to some good, successful kickball.
UNIBROW I don't wanna play anymore. FURGIE I second that. No way. WENDELL Kickball made my nuts hurt. Greg frowns, nods. GREG That's fair. You went through a lot today. I probably wasn't much help either. I put you guys in that position having not even one full practice, without teaching you a thing, really. I was wrong. You guys didn't lose the field today. I did. I'm sorry. Pause. FURGIE Coach, there’s no way we can beat them. They're too big. UNIBROW Besides, we're losers. Randy nods. Nurse Rogers smiles, concurs. GREG One loss does not make you a loser. If you quit, then they really beat you. And who knows, you may end up quitting the rest of your life, and one day you'll sit back in your office chair, staring at your meaningless degrees and recognitions, your dwindling candy dish, and you’ll realize you’ve turned into that which you were always afraid of being: a loser. (Pause.) (MORE)
57. GREG (cont'd) Trust me, kids. You don't want that.
Silence, the words sinking in. AMANDA Well, if we're not gonna be losers. Maybe we should go practice. A lot. The kids laugh. Greg smiles at Amanda. GREG Sounds good. Jenn enters in a hurry. JENN DANNY! She grabs Wonky-Legs, showers him with affection. Greg stands, sits, stands, freezes. JENN (Petting Wonky.) They told me you were in the Nurses' office. Are you okay, sweetie? I've told you I don't want you getting hurt. I've told you that a thousand times... Jenn shakes Wonky very hard. JENN (While shaking.) I’M ALWAYS TELLING YOU! WONKY Mom! Calm down. There's nothing wrong with me. NURSE ROGERS (Friendly.) Your son is crippled. Jenn looks at Nurse Rogers, chooses to disregard the statement. JENN Oh, honey... (Hugging Wonky.) I'm just glad you're okay. Greg approaches.
58.
GREG You're Wonky's Mom! JENN What does that mean? GREG What? Oh. I mean... (Derailing.) Hi, hello...Miss Legs...I mean, Walker...I mean, Miss. Walker...I mean, Mrs. Walker... JENN The first one. GREG Mrs. Legs? JENN The Miss part. Miss Walker. GREG (Nervous rambling.) Right. Yes. Oh wow. Uh, well, I'm nice to meet you - it's really Greg Butterscotch. I'm the school guidance counselor. I work with the sad kids, and kids with bad parents, and I also coach the kickball team your son plays on. Jenn slaps Greg, who screams like a woman. JENN (A mother’s fury.) YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF! Making fun of a little kid with leg braces! You're the guidance counselor! WONKY Mom, he wasn't making fun of me. I play right field. JENN (Confused.) Really? Jenn, thoroughly embarrassed, turns to Greg. JENN Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Butter-uh...
59.
Greg still rubs his face, almost crying. GREG Scotch... JENN Butterscotch, it's just that...well, I thought you were, you know...kickball...braces... GREG Don't worry about it. You'll be happy to know that Wonky...Danny is actually one of our top athletes. JENN Is that true? Wonky shakes his head “no.” GREG It sure is true! He had a few tough outs earlier today, but other than that, a solid performance. You should come watch him play in the tournament on Thursday. If we do well, we might get to play in the final game on Friday. Wonky, terrified, attempts to protest. JENN Wow. I have a conference I’m getting certified to school nurse, but wow, I to be there. Maybe I can early.
this week. be the new would love leave
GREG Great! You’re going to be school nurse? JENN Well, I’m technically already working here, but I’m just assisting Nurse Rogers in her last year. She’s retiring. GREG Nurse Rogers is retiring! Wow. She was the nurse when I went to school here in 1987.
60.
JENN Really? GREG Nurse Rogers, I didn’t know you were retiring! NURSE ROGER Little boy, you better have a note! GREG It’s Greg Butterscotch. I’m a teacher here now. NURSE ROGER You don’t look sick at all! Are you a faker? GREG No, I’m... NURSE ROGER Get back to class, or I’m sending you the Principal Meyer’s office. GREG Yes ma’am. Greg starts to leave. JENN Well, I'll definitely see you around, Mr. Butterscotch. GREG Please, call me Greg. JENN Ok, Jenn. I mean, that's my name. I'm Jenn. Jenn offers her hand. Greg starts to shake with his fake hand, but catching himself, awkwardly shakes with the other. Jenn exits, followed by Greg’s longing eyes. NURSE ROGER Go on, you faker! Greg is startled back to reality, everyone staring at him. He quickly walks back to class.
61.
INT. THE CHESTER A. ARTHUR MEMORIAL AUDITORIUM - DAY Rehearsal for the musical, “Othello: The Moor, The Merrier.” Rahib stretches, professional, running lines with IAGO, played by a kid with a neck brace. JULIAN BANKS, the theater teacher, sits in the middle of the third row talking with his lighting designer, JEREMY, a 6th grader. JULIAN ...I’m not trying to step on your creative input as the lighting designer, Jeremy, but this is my show. It’s your job to give me what I want, and what I want is the warms to be a crisp amber, and the cools a frosty blue. Not this tacky lavender-forest combination. It makes everyone look like shit. Do what I say. Jeremy makes a note. JEREMY What about the gobos? JULIAN I do like the gobos, Jeremy. That I do like. You did a very good job. Jeremy smiles. Greg walks on stage. GREG Rahib! RAHIB Mr. Butterscotch, you can't be here. It's a closed rehearsal. JULIAN (Standing.) Hold it! Wait a minute! Julian runs up to the stage. JULIAN Rahib, who is your friend? Why is he here? RAHIB He's not my friend.
62.
GREG (Hurt.) Yo, Rahib, why you gotta hate up on a brotha? RAHIB I mean, he's my coach. He's the guidance counselor. JULIAN Oh. Perhaps you haven't been informed, Mr. Coach, I'm... GREG Julian Banks. Theater teacher. I love your work. I found your Intro to Theatre class’s production of The Pillowman truly stunning. JULIAN Dialect pieces are always a challenge. Anyway, get this straight, Mr. Coach Guidance Counselor... GREG Greg... JULIAN Mr. Greg. I call the shots around here. This is my show, my vision, and no one is going to walk in here and undermine me. No way. I masters degree from Yale. GREG I wouldn’t dream. I just need a quick moment with Rahib. JULIAN Rahib is busy. GREG You see, Rahib is on my kickball team, and... JULIAN Kickball is a mindless sport unworthy of this man's genius. Rahib is an artist. Now, I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to ask you to leave my theater. Fog shoots on stage.
63.
JULIAN JEREMY! What are you doing? I didn’t say turn on the fog machine! Did I say turn on the fog machine?! Julian runs off stage towards the fog machine and Jeremy. RAHIB Ok, Mr. Butterscotch. You've got five minutes. GREG The team needs you. RAHIB Sorry. Can't do it. GREG Rahib, one loss does not make you a loser. If you quit then they really beat you. And who knows, you may end up quitting the rest of your life, and one day you'll sit back in your office chair, staring at your meaningless degrees and... RAHIB That's not the problem. I'm too afraid of getting hurt. GREG Afraid of getting hurt? RAHIB It's really just a career thing. I hope you understand. GREG I feel ya. I feel ya. Iago, wearing the neck brace, exits stage left. GREG Hold up. Greg follows Iago out of frame. We hear a loud scream. GREG (O.C.) This will do quite nicely, thank you! Greg returns with the neck brace.
64.
GREG Here. Try this on. Rahib does, finding it a perfect fit. GREG There! Now you don't have to worry. RAHIB Hey, this is neat. GREG Yeah and check this shiznit out. Greg punches Rahib in the throat, knocking him over. Rahib stands up, checking himself out. RAHIB I didn’t feel a thing. GREG With this throat guard, do you think you might be willing to give kickball another go? Rahib thinks. INT/EXT. CHESTER A. ARTHUR JUNIOR HIGH SCHOOL - DAY A montage. Rahib, wearing his throat guard, awaits the pitch from Amanda. They’re practicing in the hall. Lots of bad playing ensues, from various places in the school, make-shift practice fields. The team practices in the cafeteria with Ramon and Phil, still mopping up from the food fight. Several shots of Wonky missing fly balls all over the school, Rahib always getting them first. Greg and Amanda watch, helpless. AMANDA We gotta get a center fielder, Coach. GREG I know. I just wish I knew where to look.
65.
INT. GREG'S OFFICE - DAY The next day. Greg reviews some paperwork. In a reverse, he lowers the pages, revealing RODNEY. Rodney is incredibly cool and way too old to be in Junior high. GREG Rodney, let me be the first to welcome you to Chester A. Arthur Junior High. You seem like a very cool young man with an edgy, rebellious demeanor. It’s my job to make sure you fit in nicely with the other kids. Let’s find you an elective. Something you’d enjoy doing, to get you involved with school activities. What do you like to do for fun, Rodney? RODNEY I dunno. I play guitar. GREG Ah! The school band, then, with all the other cool kids! RODNEY No thanks, bro. Ummm, I like skateboarding. I like kickball. I like hockey. I like movies. I like hittin’ the clubs. I like movies about kickball. GREG Wait, you like kickball? Rodney scoffs. RODNEY (Cool. Cocky.) Like kickball? Dude. I am kickball. Greg stares down Rodney, a revelation. GREG (Wide-eyed.) You are kickball? Greg thinks.
66.
GREG (Smiling.) I think I know just the thing for you. INT. THE REMEDIAL ENGLISH CLASSROOM - DAY The room is modeled after a Kindergarten class. MRS. ROWE, an over enthusiastic remedial english teacher stands in front of the class with a children's book. Rodney sits, confused and angry, next to Wendell. MRS. ROWE Boys and Girls, welcome back to another day of remedial english. We have a new special buddy joining us today. I want you to give Rodney an extra big hug after class to make him feel welcomed. (Opening a children’s book.) Story time! She reads the story. Wendell smiles at Rodney. WENDELL We’re learning. Wendell listens to the story, Rodney puts his head on the desk. INT. CAFETERIA - DAY Ramon and Phil, ragged, weak, finally finish mopping. Ramon picks up the last piece of trash, throwing it away. Pleased with their work, Ramon and Phil pull out their personal joints, placing them between their lips. The bell rings. Students rush in for lunch. They start spilling things and dropping trash. Ramon and Phil watch, the joints dangling from their mouths. INT. SCIENCE LAB - DAY Greg chalks a diagram on the board. GREG (Methodical.) Yes. Yes. Yes.
67.
Greg labels the drawing, and it’s parts: the Kickball, the Foot, and Point A. Wendell enters with Rodney. GREG (Surprised.) Rodney? What are you doing here? RODNEY Just feelin’ out the scene, bro. GREG Great, bro! Maybe you and Rahib can communicate with each other. (to Rahib.) Look Rahib, I found you a little friend to talk to. RAHIB Thanks, coach. RODNEY (To Amanda.) Hey, girl. What up? AMANDA Hey. I’m Amanda. RODNEY (Very cool.) Nice. AMANDA (Blushing.) Yeah. Greg grows uncomfortable with the sexual tension between middle-schoolers. GREG Okay, back to learning! If you firmly kick the ball at point A... (Indicating point A on the chalkboard.) Where do you think it will go? Greg points to the raised hands. UNIBROW To the third baseman... GREG That's real close.
68.
WONKY Foul ball? GREG Warmer. WENDELL To the equator. GREG Not quite, Wendell, but you're right. That is warmer. Half credit. RODNEY Home-run. Left field, depending on the weather and dirt quality, I’d say it clears the fence by about eighteen feet. Greg examines Rodney. GREG Fantastic. EXT. CHESTER A. ARTHUR MEMORIAL KICKBALL FIELD - DAY Ramon and Phil finish up the installation of the school’s new central bell system. Jack oversees the process. Ramon steps away. RAMON Finished. JACK There it is. The epicenter of order: the new and improved bell system. She determines our future, our destiny. Such craftsmanship. Have you ever seen anything more beautiful? To damage this sensitive piece of machinery, the consequences... A kickball slams into the ground right next to the bell system. Jack jumps. JACK What the hell?! He scans the area.
69.
Greg and his team of misfits watch Amanda as she winds up. She launches the ball. Rodney, focused, makes contact. Jack watches the ball sail through the air. JACK Mother fu... The ball hits him in the face. Greg cringes, running towards Jack. GREG Sorry, Jack! Is your face okay? Jack pulls himself together. JACK Fine. Didn’t hurt a bit. Not impressive at all. GREG We’re just practicing for the big game. JACK Well, practice somewhere else. The protective lid covering the new bell system was open, so count your blessings, Mister. You almost caused a major crisis. Jack turns back to the system, coddling. GREG (Awkward.) I feel terrible, Jack. I never intended to break anything, or try to...ummm...should I leave? Jack, not listening, pets the system. Greg exits. Jack carefully closes the lid, labeled “DO NOT OPEN.” INT. THE SCIENCE LAB - DAY Greg stands in front of a chalkboard covered in Kickball diagrams. GREG Great practice today. I have no doubt that tomorrow. We'll be ready. The team looks around, not as optimistic.
70.
Greg frowns. GREG (An idea.) You know, there is still one thing keeping us from playing like a team. FURGIE It's not the fun is it? We're having fun. You said more fun; I've given you more fun. HOW MUCH FUN DO YOU NEED?! GREG The fun is fine, Furgie. I'm talking about a name. BERNARD A name? GREG Yes, a team name. Something to strike terror into the hearts of our opponents. Like an animal, or a mythological creature, or something like that. Also, it will need some sort of modifying phrase before it. Yes, a name. WENDELL How about the Lasers? GREG Wendell that doesn't fit the format... AMANDA What about the Angry Lasers? GREG Lasers aren't angry. UNIBROW Lasers are awesome. RANDY The Awesome Lasers. FURGIE Orbiting wind sensors could help airline pilots avoid headwinds, leading to savings on fuel. (MORE)
71. FURGIE (cont'd) We're talking up to two hundred million dollars per year.
GREG No! Something else! Not lasers! UNIBROW What about the Angry Bull Frogs? BERNARD What about the Unibrow kids who come up with stupid names like a stupid asshole. UNIBROW Oh yeah?! BERNARD Yeah! Bernard and Unibrow began fighting. RANDY What about the Army of the Righteous and Pure Against Western Sacrilege. WENDELL That’s an awesome name. GREG NO! Rodney watches Unibrow and Bernard fight each other like little girls. RODNEY What about the Fighting Rejects? A hurt silence from everyone. GREG Rodney! That’s not very nice. (An epiphany.) Wait. I get it. It’s like we’re saying we’re rejects because they think we’re rejects, but we know we’re not rejects, so it’s like we’re calling ourselves rejects so that they know that we know that they think we are the rejects when, really, it is they who are the rejects. That’s a great name, Rodney!
72.
RODNEY I didn’t mean it like that at all. GREG Who’s with me? Who wants to be a reject? A dramatic beat. AMANDA I’ll be a reject. WONKY Yeah, me too. FURGIE Me three. WENDELL Me three. FURGIE I’m in. GREG I guess we’re all rejects. RODNEY No, we’re not. Everyone looks at Rodney, the coolest kid in the room, who smiles. RODNEY We’re the Fighting Rejects. Cheers. INT. NURSE ROGER'S OFFICE - DAY A chorus of vomiting tells of the rotten state of Chester A. Arthur Junior High. Greg and Nurse Rogers look around the packed room, the line spilling out onto the hallway, KIDS throwing up everywhere. GREG Why are all these kids vomiting? NURSE They’ve all got AIDS. Isn’t it wonderful?
73.
GREG That is an interesting diagnosis, Nurse Rogers. A LITTLE KID throws up on Greg’s pant legs. GREG (Examining the vomit on his leg.) Judging by the texture of this child’s vomit, Lubert’s mystery dish seems to be the culprit. I think we have a case of food poisoning. Amanda looks through the door. AMANDA COACH! COACH! GREG Amanda? AMANDA WE MADE IT! WE MADE IT TO THE FINALS! GREG What are you talking about? AMANDA Well, almost the entire school is vomiting right now. All the teams dropped out! Everyone, but the Gorillas and us! The Fighting Rejects runs up behind her. TEAM (Ad lib.) Coach! COACH! DID YOU HEAR?! We made it! We’re in the big game! GREG Hold on. Did you guys eat any of Lubert's mystery dish, today? RAHIB No way. Sack lunches. UNIBROW Bernard ate some.
74.
BERNARD Yeah, it was delicious, and I feel great. FURGIE The Gorillas have been eating catered lunches from Olive Garden all week. Greg’s anxiety grows. GREG Well, that’s amazing. I'm so proud of all of you for your hard work and not getting sick. WONKY Coach, do you really think we can beat the Gorillas. Greg freezes. GREG Yeah. Sure, Wonky. We’ll beat ‘em. Don’t worry. Everyone celebrates. Greg, worried, half-smiles. Amanda reads this reaction. AMANDA What's wrong. GREG Nothing. Jenn enters. JENN Why’s everyone celebrating? WONKY We’re in the big game. JENN Really? That’s incredible! How? WONKY Everyone else forfeited! JENN Wow, sweetie. That’s great.
75.
WONKY Are you still gonna come watch us tomorrow? JENN I promise I will try to make it. Greg gulps. Jack runs in, slips in vomit. JACK Nurse Rogers, have you seen Lubert? After the kids got sick, he disappeared. Jack notices Greg and the team. JACK Ah, Greg. I suppose you’ve heard the news by now. It seems our paths will cross again. GREG It's just a game. It doesn't mean anything. Greg starts to leave. JACK Oh, I disagree. Tomorrow’s game will be an emblematic restaging of your life, and the future lives of the failures who follow you. (Pause.) Prepare to be crushed like it’s 1987, Greg. Greg doesn't respond, but exits. The kids eyes follow. AMANDA (Concerned.) See you tomorrow, Coach. EXT. THE SCHOOL - DAY Wonky-Legs waits for his mom to pull up. Greg approaches him. GREG Hey, Wonky! WONKY Hey, Coach.
76.
GREG What's-a-matter? Nervous about the tournament tomorrow? WONKY A little bit. GREG Don't be. It's not as scary as it seems. The trick is to approach it with a sense of adventure. Just go out there, tomorrow, and face your fears head on. That's the only way to... Greg spots Jenn. GREG Excuse me, Wonky. I have to go...be a guidance counselor...behind that bush... Greg walks behind the bush. JENN GREG! GREG Hello there, MISS LEGS… He laughs. JENN Jenn… GREG Yes, I know, it was joking. JENN Oh. I just wanted to apologize again for slapping you the other day, and wondered if maybe I could make it up to you. I have an extra ticket to the school musical tonight. I was thinking it might be fun for you to join me. I hear Danny’s little friend is amazing. GREG Rahib. Yes. I’m sure he is. JENN It’s a musical version of Othello.
77.
GREG Who doesn't enjoy a good Shakespearean musical? Greg laughs at what doesn't seem to be a joke. His arm falls off. He tries to pick it up. JENN Let me... GREG No no no! I've got it! They both go for it and their eyes meet. After a moment of this, Greg speaks. GREG You know, I would normally love to take you up on those tickets, but tonight I have to look over files and things. Of students. Because junior high can alter the course of your entire life, so I'm gonna have to go do that. Tonight. JENN Oh, ok. Maybe some other time then. GREG Certainly. Wonky and Jenn leave. GREG (To himself.) Some other time. Greg holds his arm, staring down at it. INT. GREG’S OFFICE - NIGHT Greg sits alone in his office, sad, scared. EXT. CHESTER A. ARTHUR MEMORIAL KICKBALL FIELD - DAY 1987. The big game. The collision. The ball landing. The heartbreak. Young Jack, hoisted up, cheers. Young Greg watches, clutching his arm, the tears.
78.
INT. GREG'S OFFICE - NIGHT Present. Greg’s haunted stare never wavers. INT. A HOSPITAL - DAY A Nightmare. Greg, as an adult, wakes to find himself being wheeled on a gurney to the operating room. He lifts his fake arm to find it real and re-attached. Scared, confused, he watches his hand, moves his fingers. The doctors place him on the operating table, preparing the tools for amputation. Greg lies helpless, sweating, wide-eyed. The amputation proceeds, Greg’s own Requiem for a Dream. INT. GREG'S OFFICE - NIGHT Present. The nightmare remains in Greg’s alert expression. INT. A HOSPITAL ROOM - DAY 1987. Young Greg, with the same haunted stare, sits frozen in his hospital bed, his nub bandaged. The camera zooms out, through the hospital door which is shut by A NURSE. Only the feet of THE DOCTOR and THE NURSE can be seen. DOCTOR Well, all things considered. I think that went pretty well. NURSE Doctor, I think we've made a terrible mistake. That boy just had a broken arm. The amputation was in room 513. DOCTOR Oh right. Well, when we were fixing the broken arm, we ran across something... Silence.
79.
DOCTOR (Teasing.) I’m free balling under these scrubs. You wanna see? NURSE (Giggling.) Oh, you’re so bad. DOCTOR Come on. Let me show you. They walk off. INT. HALLWAY OUTSIDE AUDITORIUM - NIGHT Opening night of the musical. The Broadway caliber poster for ‘OTHELLO: The Moor, The Merrier' features Rahib in his Othello costume. The bulletin board features crappy head-shots of the cast, Julian’s the worst of all. Rahib’s head-shot, though, looks quite professional. INT. THE CHESTER A. ARTHUR MEMORIAL AUDITORIUM - NIGHT The lights flash. Everyone waiting in anticipation. Jack stands near the back, incognito, with a fake mustache. Rahib graces the stages with a dramatic entrance. The crowd applauds the star’s presence. The music begins. INT. GREG’S OFFICE - NIGHT Greg cries at his desk, while filling out paperwork. INT. THE CHESTER A. ARTHUR MEMORIAL AUDITORIUM - NIGHT Rahib’s Broadway-bound pipes dazzle and amaze the audience. A dark, brooding Othello, he examines Desdemona’s handkerchief. RAHIB (Singing. As Othello.) HOW COULD SHE DO THIS ME PIERCE ME THROUGH THE HEART CUT IT OUT AND FRY IT UP AND SERVE IT ALA CARTE I’M SUPPOSED TO BE A WARRIOR (MORE)
80. RAHIB (cont'd) A HERO BRAVE AND MIGHTY I SHOULD HAVE LISTENED WHEN MY DAD SAID DON’T TRUST WHITEY WHO’D HAVE THOUGHT MY HANKY WOULD REVEAL HER HANKY PANKY PROVING HER A STRUMPET AND CASSIO A KNAVE THE POINT OF NO RETURN IS NIGHT THE TIME HAS COME TO SAY GOODBYE TONIGHT’S THE NIGHT I’M SENDING DESDEMONA TO HER GRAVE!
An ensemble of dancer dressed as white HANDKERCHIEFS circles the stage around Rahib. RAHIB (Singing. As Othello.) DO OR DIE THE TIME IS NOW TO PAY THE PRICE OF A BROKEN VOW SO TILL DEATH DO US PART NOTHING NOW WILL STOP THIS STONE COLD HEART Rahib, as Othello, closes his eyes, dramatic. RAHIB (Quiet.) EYE FOR EYE TOOTH FOR TOOTH (Belting.) THIS IS THE MOMENT OF TRUTH DO OR DIE The boom of a bass drum, brings Rahib/Othello to his knees. The audience remains wondrously engaged. The handkerchiefs dance through the musical break. The musical numbers spills off the stage, into the world of Chester A. Arthur Junior High. A single tear falls from Jack’s eye, which he unconsciously wipes away. He freezes, staring at the tips of his fingers. Frightened, he looks around before exiting the theater. He runs down the hallways, holding his finger out, desperately searching for a place to hide. He darts into the men’s bathroom, tearing off his mustache, washing his face in the sink. He stares himself down in the mirror. The taps of a snare drum crescendo into the musical break.
81.
JACK (Singing.) I HEAR THE DRUMS THE MARCH OF WAR I’LL BEAT THAT ONE ARMED SHIT JUST LIKE I DID BEFORE AND WHEN THE BATTLE TRODDEN FIELD HAS SEEN OUR VICTORY BUTTERNUTS WILL BOW TO ME Jack runs out of the bathroom. INT. THE HALLS OF CHESTER A. ARTHUR JUNIOR HIGH - NIGHT Jack marches through the halls, gathering his team of Gorilla’s who, in various groups, vandalize the school. JACK (Singing.) AND WHEN THE GAME IS DONE I’LL BE INVINCIBLE NO MORE OF THIS ASSISTANT SHIT THEY’LL CROWN ME PRINCIPAL Jack sings the final note to Anthony, who nods, evil. The music continues. INT. GREG’S OFFICE - NIGHT Greg looks at his junior high kickball photo. GREG (Singing.) WHAT IF JACK IS RIGHT WHAT IF I’M WRONG MAYBE HIS WAY WAS THE RIGHT ONE ALL ALONG I TRIED TO HELP THEM BELIEVE IN THEMSELVES AND LIVE THE WAY THEY CHOOSE BUT HOW CAN THAT WORK IF WE LOSE Greg wonders around the office, looking at all his second place ribbons and trophies. GREG (Singing.) WHAT IF MY LIFE IS JUST ONE LONG LOSING STREAK THE KIDS WANT IT BAD BUT OUR CHANCES LOOK BLEAK (MORE)
82. GREG (cont'd) WHAT’D THEY EXPECT FROM A ONE ARMED FREAK
Greg raises his fake arm, looks to the Heavens. GREG (Singing.) HOW CAN I FACE THEM TOMORROW INT. AUDITORIUM/HALLWAYS/GREG’S OFFICE - NIGHT The trio- Jack, Greg, and Rahib as Othello; come together to an epic musical medley, the big finish. Each stand tall, singing their hearts out. RAHIB (Singing. Together.) DO OR DIE THE TIME IS NOW TO PAY THE PRICE OF A BROKEN VOW SO TILL DEATH DO US PART NOTHING NOW CAN STOP MY STONE COLD HEART
JACK (Singing. Together.) I HEAR THE DRUMS THE MARCH OF WAR I’LL BEAT THAT ONE ARMED SHIT JUST LIKE I DID BEFORE AND WHEN THE BATTLE TRODDEN FIELD HAS SEEN OUR VICTORY BUTTERNUTS WILL BOW TO ME
GREG (Singing. Together.) WHAT IF WE FAIL MISERABLY WILL THEY TURN OUT LIKE ME Dance break. In the auditorium, the entire ensemble of “Othello: The Moor, The Merrier” runs on stage, dancing with Rahib and the Handkerchiefs. In the hallways, the Gorillas launch kickballs at anything they can damage; lockers, trash cans, etc. In Greg’s office, the troubled guidance councilor swipes all the paper off his desk, breaking his photo. He picks it up, slowly, as the chorus of handkerchiefs sing to Rahib. HANDKERCHIEFS (Singing. Angelic.) EYE FOR EYE TOOTH FOR TOOTH
83.
Big close. EVERYONE (Singing.) THIS IS THE MOMENT OF TRUTH DO OR DIE Black. The National Anthem, sung by a middle school choir, begins over the empty screen. EXT. CHESTER A. ARTHUR MEMORIAL KICKBALL FIELD - DAY The teams are lined up down the first base and third base line. Greg is no where to be found, much to the dismay of the Fighting Rejects. INT. JANITOR'S OFFICE - DAY Ramon reads his news paper. Phil forms a sheet of paper into one of those loud popping things popular in middle school. RAMON Hey! We made the paper! Listen. "Ramon Rodriquez, the school's custodial engineer, called the food poisoning a result of bad management, placing the blame squarely on the shoulders of the school's assistant principal Jack McDouche for hiring an illegal immigrant without proper certification." Uh-oh. The dirty Mexican ratted your ass out. PHIL Am I in there? RAMON Yeah. Here's your quote. "I had to mop a lot." Very inspiring, Phil. There’s a loud crash in the closet. Phil and Ramon look at each other, before crossing to the door. They open the door to find Lubert hiding in the closet. Phil and Ramon look at each other.
84.
EXT. CHESTER A. ARTHUR MEMORIAL KICKBALL FIELD - DAY The Fighting Rejects take the field. Amanda and Furgie walk together. FURGIE Where is Mr. Butterscotch? AMANDA I dunno. Amanda takes her place on the mound as Jack riles his team. JACK Gentlemen, this is the While you're out there never show an ounce of victorious as the Gods to be. LETS GO!
big show. on my field, mercy. Be intended you
EXT. CHESTER A. ARTHUR MEMORIAL KICKBALL FIELD - DAY The first Gorilla steps up. The pitch from Amanda. Strikeone. The second pitch. Strike-two. JACK You better kick that fuckin’ ball. The kicker does so on the third pitch, a high-flyer to right field. WONKY (Still in right field.) Not again. Wonky charges the ball to no avail, he falls face-first onto the ground. Rodney fields it. Wonky remains on the ground. The runner gets to second. RODNEY You alright, man? WONKY I can't do it. RODNEY It's one play. WONKY I will never catch it. I can't make it to the ball in time. Everyone is depending on me, and I can't do it. Help me. Please.
85.
RODNEY I'll try, bro. The next ball, once again, flies to right field. Wonky, frustrated, makes an effort towards it before falling again. Rodney executes a diving catch, running from center-field. Jack kicks the fence. JACK Damnit! Let the boy make his own plays! Wonky looks up from the grass. WONKY Thank you so much. RODNEY (Uncomfortable.) No problem. The third Gorilla kicker arrives to the plate to find three fast balls. He misses them all. Strike-out. Anthony approaches the plate, smiling. Amanda fires one in. Anthony kicks a home-run, giving the Gorilla’s 2-0 lead. EXT. CHESTER A. ARTHUR MEMORIAL KICKBALL FIELD - DAY The first inning continues. Several balls are sent through the infield unscathed. The scores moves to 3-0, then 4-0, then 5-0. JACK smiles, confident. RAHIB, wearing his throat guard, fields a shallow pop fly in the outfield and throws to second base. The runner passes second base before the balls arrival. Randy catches the ball, somehow, but throws it into shallow left field. Furgie, the third baseman, gets to the ball, but then over-throws it at home. The score is 7-0. RODNEY makes a diving catch in front of WONKY, who is pleased. The bottom of the first. The Rejects begin their offensive drive. Anthony pitches to Unibrow. Strike out. He pitches to Bernard. Strike out. He pitches to Furgie, who kicks the ball right back to the mound. Anthony pegs him in the back, knocking him to the ground. The Gorilla’s FIRST BASEMAN shakes his head.
86.
FIRST BASEMAN You suck, Furgie. Jack laughs. JACK Seven to nothing in the first inning? I can see why Butternuts decided not to show his face. AMANDA You just wait! He'll be here. JACK I bet he will, sweetie pie. INT. GREG'S OFFICE - DAY Greg’s sleeps with his head on the desk. Someone clears his throat, across from him. Startled, he wakes up, stares across the desk. CHESTER A. ARTHUR, former President of the United States, sits across from him. CHESTER Why aren't you at the game, Greg? GREG Who are you? CHESTER Who am I? Why, I'm the twenty-first President of these United States of America. Chester A. Arthur. GREG Oh. CHESTER Don’t avoid the question, man. The game! Why aren't you at the game? GREG They don't need me. I'm not a coach. I'm just a guidance counselor, and I can't even do that well. I don't know what to tell these kids. The world is hard, and when you're not good looking, strong, or talented, it’s just too much. Maybe...maybe Jack is right.
87.
Chester A. Arthur purses his brown. CHESTER Once, there was a Republican senator named Roscoe Conkling. He provided me a position as head of the New York customs house, and in doing so, expected me to turn a blind eye to unethical practices. Him, being the big political boss of the time, well, I let him push me around. (Pause.) And I paid for it, Greg. Nearly ruined my political career. Chester A. Arthur reflects on his moment of weakness, his desire for power, his major regret. CHESTER When I was offered the vice presidency position on the Garfield ticket, Conkling threatened me. He said. "Chest-nuts, if you wish for my favor and my respect you will contemptuously decline the nomination." Do you know what I did, Greg? GREG What’d you do, Chester A. Arthur? CHESTER I looked him square in the eyes and I said. "Senator Conkling, I shall accept the nomination and I shall carry with me the majority of the delegation." (A proud smile.) And I did, Greg. Not only that, but when that crazy Charles J. Guiteau shot President Garfield in 1881, my efforts and determination would make me president. (Pause.) The point is, Greg, there will always be people in this world who try to keep others down. By allowing them to do so, we only keep ourselves down. Chester allows the words to sink in.
88.
GREG So, you're saying the only person in my way is me. That I need to stand up for myself. CHESTER In America, everyone deserves their fair share, whether they be bad looking, uncoordinated, or socially inadequate. (Pause.) This doesn't apply to Mormons though. By the way, how's my antipolygamy law holding up? Still standing? GREG Yes, Mr. President. CHESTER Wonderful. Good luck with the game, Greg. Chester A. Arthur stands, exiting. GREG Thanks, Mr. President. CHESTER My pleasure. Chester opens the door, noticing a student. CHESTER Mr. Reinhardt, with the many times I’ve demanded you take that hat off, why do I still find you wearing it on school grounds. I should offer you a good switching, boy! I’m quite serious. President Arthur closes the door. Greg remains alone in his office. A beat. He rises, running out the door. EXT. CHESTER A. ARTHUR MEMORIAL KICKBALL FIELD - DAY The game is now 10-0 in the second inning. The gorillas are kicking. Two outs.
89.
INT. THE HALLS OF CHESTER A. ARTHUR JUNIOR HIGH - DAY Greg runs through the hallway. EXT. CHESTER A. ARTHUR MEMORIAL KICKBALL FIELD - DAY The ball flies to Rahib, who catches it, ending the inning. The kids sluggishly leave the field, disheartened. A round of solo clapping comes from the once empty dugout where Greg Butterscotch, in full regalia, stands prepared for battle. AMANDA COACH! I KNEW YOU WOULD COME! GREG Sorry, I'm late. I had an important meeting with an old friend. Jack approaches. JACK Alright. Alright. We're all very happy Greg decided to come get his self esteem trampled, but we’re eight innings away from my sweet victory, so lets all shut up with this trite turning-point bullshit, and play some kickball. Rodney steps up. He kicks a homerun. 10-1. The game continues, the Rejects capitalizing on some lucky plays, spawning the various reactions. The score increases 105. The Rejects take the field. Bernard snags a tough grounder and pegs the runner before he gets to first base. He gives Greg a thumbs up, who responds appropriately, a thumbs up with his fake hand. Rodney snags another fly-ball meant for Wonky. Everyone cheers, including Wonky. Rodney, infested with guilt, throws the ball to the cut off man. Amanda strikes out the next kicker. It's still 10-5 in the 5th inning. Greg pats everyone on the back with his fake arm as they run into the dugout. GREG Furgie, you're up.
90.
FURGIE Maybe someone else should kick. Furgie puffs his inhaler. INT. THE JANITORS OFFICE - DAY A bong-rip in the closet, coughing, laughter. A mop falls over, outside the closet. Everyone’s paranoia kicks in. RAMON (Whispering.) Shut up. What was that? Did you hear that? EXT. CHESTER A. ARTHUR MEMORIAL KICKBALL FIELD - DAY Furgie kicks the ball back to the mound, like always. Anthony fields it, attempting to peg Furgie. This time, however, Furgie trips. The ball flies into the dugout, allowing Furgie to make it safely to first. GREG Way to go, Furgie! Furgie, surprised by his good fortune, smiles. Rodney steps up. Jack calls for a time-out, walks to the mound. JACK Get him out. ANTHONY No problem, Coach. JACK (Signaling.) This is the signal for “get him out.” Jack returns to the dugout, gives Anthony the signal again. Anthony pitches. Homerun. Jack darts back to the mound.
91.
JACK I'm sorry, I must've accidentally given you the stick your head up your ass signal! Don't worry, Anthony, that was my fault, not yours. Moron. The game continues. Anthony, confidence shaken, allows the Rejects several opportunities with botched pitches, a comeback montage. EXT. CHESTER A. ARTHUR MEMORIAL KICKBALL FIELD - DAY The score is 13-12 in the bottom of the 8th. Rodney steps up. JACK ANTHONY! Jack runs onto the field. JACK Walk him. ANTHONY Why? I can get him out. JACK The score is 13-12, Anthony. You’ve screwed up everything. We should be destroying these kids. Walk this kicker. Jack returns to the dugout. Anthony rolls four pitches out of the strike zone, walking Rodney. The Rejects boo. RAHIB What's the matter, Anthony? Too scared to pitch to him like a real man. ANTHONY This coming from a guy too chicken to play kickball without wearing his stupid little neck-brace. GREG (Reminding.) That's a throat guard, Anthony. A throat guard. Rahib pulls off his throat guard.
92.
WONKY Don't, Rahib! It's not worth your career! UNIBROW Yeah, you were brilliant last night. RAHIB Thanks, guys, but it’s okay. I'm not afraid anymore. Rahib steps up the plate. Anthony pitches. Contact. The ball flies to the outfield. Rodney scores. Rahib rounds first, second, third, the ball reaching the cut-off man, Anthony. Rahib scores. Putting the Fighting Rejects ahead by one point. Furious, Anthony launches the ball, hitting Rahib in his exposed throat, just as he crosses the plate. Rahib falls to his knee. Dramatic. Slow motion. GREG (In slow motion.) RAHIB! Rahib clutches his throat. Falling to the ground. Real time. Greg rushes the field to aid Rahib. The Rejects follow. Greg holds Rahib. RAHIB (In a raspy voice.) Did I score? GREG (Comforting.) Yeah. Yeah, you did. RAHIB I got hit in the throat. GREG Yeah. Yeah, you did. Hang in there, buddy.
93.
Rahib drifts in-and-out of consciousness. GREG GET NURSE ROGERS! Greg sobs. GREG GET NURSE ROGERS! NOOOOOO! IT SHOULD’VE BEEN ME! IT SHOULD’VE BEEN ME!!! Jack approaches. JACK Knock if off, Greg. If you two aren’t finished milking this for all it's worth, then at least get off the field so all the nonpansies can keep playing. Rahib passes out. GREG SOMEBODY!! HELP HIM!! Both teams stand around, silent, still, unsure of how to respond to Anthony’s atrocity. Anthony himself, unsure of what to do, as the mob forms. Furgie moves between Anthony and the mob. UNIBROW He hurt him, Furgie. He hurt Rahib! AMANDA Cheater! He'd already scored! BERNARD We aren't even safe to play a friendly game of kickball anymore. RANDY We ain't gonna stand for this shit no more, Anthony! You hear me! WENDELL It is plain as day. You didn't need to hurt the boy. The mob, riled, waits for the first move. Anthony looks around, unsure of what to say. ANTHONY You do what you gotta do.
94.
Everyone looks to Furgie as he walks away, moving to the dugout. He picks up a kickball, bounces it once in his hand. He walks back, passing through the mob, slamming the kickball into Anthony’s face. The team fight begins. Rahib is pulled off the field by Greg, avoiding the chaos around them. The Fighting Rejects and the Gorilla’s rumble. Fists and kickballs fly everywhere. The kids are eventually pulled apart, the coaches meeting with their respective teams by the dugouts. GREG Nice fighting, kids. Great work. AMANDA What do we do, we're a player short? GREG Well, Rodney will have to move to left center, and Wonky will have to cover right center. WONKY What?! No way. GREG Wonky. Not only is this your chance to erase the past, but you could very well alter the path of your entire life, all within the next inning. This is your moment. FURGIE No it isn't, coach! It's yours! GREG What? Furgie pulls out the World Kickball Association rule book FURGIE It says here in the revised edition of the World Kickball Association’s rule book that, in the event of an incomplete roster, the coach may enter the game as a player. GREG What?
95.
WONKY Thank you, again, God. GREG I can't do that. AMANDA Sure, you can, coach? It’s in the rule book. Amanda hands Greg the ball. GREG How can I play kickball. I’ve only got one arm. BERNARD Coach, do you really wanna spend your life trapped in some obdurate stereotype? Greg looks at Bernard, at the team, and then to the mound. GREG No, I don’t. Here goes nothing. Greg walks to the mound. JACK Butternuts, what do you think you’re doing?! Is this some kind of joke?! GREG I'm just following the rules, Jack. Jack yanks rule book from Furgie’s hands, sifting through it, stopping on a specific page. JACK Oh, God. Rodney runs with Wonky to the outfield. RODNEY I can't help you anymore, Wonky. WONKY Why not? RODNEY I’m too far away.
96.
WONKY You can't do this to me! We're so close! RODNEY (Smiling.) Sorry man. I can’t cover the whole outfield. The first Gorilla kicker steps up. Greg, nervous, pitches with his fake arm, which flies off in the direction of home plate. Wendell picks it up the arm, runs it back to the mound. WENDELL Nice throw, Coach. GREG Thank you, Wendell. The next pitch is launched over the plate. Strike One. Strike Two. Strike Three. A strike out. Greg’s eyes light up. The team cheers. Jack panics. Jenn arrives on scene, runs to her seat in the bleachers, much to Wonky’s dismay. The next kicker comes up. Strike one. Strike two. The third pitch, contact. The ball flies in the air to right field. Wonky looks at Rodney, who shakes his head, not moving. Wonky looks to his mom in the stands before dashing to the ball. With ferocious determination Wonky charges the fly ball, dives, braces and all. A catch. GREG Fantastic! Celebration erupts on the field. Wonky collapses underneath a dog-pile of teammates. They lift him up. Rodney high fives him. JACK THIS CAN NOT BE HAPPENING!! Jack falls to his knee, monologue position.
97.
JACK (Tormented.) Father, please. I need your guidance, now, more than ever. The slings of twisted fortune assail my heart and soul with unbearable displacement. I can bear it no longer. Jack watches Anthony make his way out of the dugout. JACK A plan. A delicious plan. Jack stands, grabs Anthony on his way to the plate. JACK ANTHONY! I need a word with you. ANTHONY Yeah, coach? Jack punches Anthony in the face, knocking him out. JACK (A false panic.) MAN DOWN! NURSE ROGERS! The horror! The horror! Looks like I'll have to take his place! Jack puts a helmet on, moving to the plate. Greg freezes. JACK BUTTERNUTS! IT'S NOT OVER YET, PAL! The celebration in right field stops. A stare down between Jack and Greg. Wonky gives the ball to Greg. WONKY You can do it, Coach. Amanda grabs Greg’s fake arm, nods. Jack steps up to the plate. As though it were 1987, Jack and Greg face each other, their destiny. The first pitch. A laser-like fast ball. Strike-one. The Fighting Rejects offer encouragement. He pitches again. Strike two.
98.
Greg sets. Sets again. The wind-up. He looks into the stands to find Jenn waving at him. JENN Come on, Greg! You can do it! Surprised to see Jenn, Greg panics mid-delivery. Slow-motion. A sloppy throw. Contact. A surprised Jack dashes to first base, watching the ball sail through the air. He rounds first, then second. Rodney retrieves the ball, throwing it to Amanda, the cut-off woman. Jack rounds third. Greg races to the plate, as does Jack. Amanda throws the ball to Greg, who races to tag Jack. They collide, knocking the ball loose, as well as Greg’s fake arm. Greg hits the dirt, a terrible memory. Greg’s arm lands in front of him, the ball still attached. Out. The Rejects win. The crowd goes wild. JACK NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! The crowd rushes the field. The kids attempt to hoist Greg into the air, but fail. Deciding to hoist Wonky in the air, a good substitute. Principal Meyer runs onto the field, spraying soda, or beer, or some other item fulfilling the product placement agreement. Gloria, the secretary, and Julian Banks, the theatre teacher, embrace in the stands, kiss. The Fighting Rejects jump around with the crowd of students and faculty. AMANDA You did it, coach! You did it! GREG No! You guys did it! Amanda hugs Greg, who is touched, but finds it difficult, missing an arm. Jenn approaches Greg, holding his fake arm.
99.
JENN I think you might need this. GREG (Nervous.) Uh, yeah. Thank you. Greg tries to take it, but Jenn moves it behind her back. JENN Not so fast. They kiss. The kids celebrate around them. JACK DAMN YOU, FAILURES! DAMN YOU ALL!! Bernard stumbles around the central bell system, holding his stomach. BERNARD Guys, I really don't feel good. I need to find a trash can. JACK DON’T PLAY NEAR THE BELL SYSTEM! DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU’RE DOING?! BERNARD I think I'm gonna... Bernard lifts the protective lid. JACK NOOOOOOOOOOO! Bernard throws up on the bell system. JACK Oh, great God in Heaven! INT. CHESTER A. ARTHUR JUNIOR HIGH SCHOOL - DAY The bell-system goes haywire, chaos exploding in of the school. Kids run wild through the school, pandemonium. One kid pulls the fire alarm. Paper everywhere. Books fly everywhere. A teacher runs pencil jabbed in his eye socket.
the hallways absolute flies out with a
100.
INT. THE JANITORS OFFICE - DAY The two Janitors and Lubert take bong rips. PHIL Is that the fire alarm? RAMON Oh shit! THE WEED SET OFF THE FIRE ALARM! PHIL WHAT SHOULD WE DO?! RAMON RUN! The Janitors bust out of the janitor’s closet, followed by Lubert. They exit. INT. THE HALLS OF CHESTER A. ARTHUR JUNIOR HIGH - DAY Nurse Rogers fights through the chaos, a war-zone of middle schoolers. Chester A. Arthur runs through the halls, attempting to calm everyone down, panicking. CHESTER (Desperate.) Please! Everyone! Remain calm! I beg of you! EXT. THE OUTSIDE OF THE SCHOOL - DAY Ramon, Phil, and Lubert dash off the school grounds. INT. THE HALLS OF CHESTER A. ARTHUR JUNIOR HIGH - DAY Jack runs into the hallway, breaking another glass case. He pulls the whistle out, and blows it. Useless. JACK My school. My beautiful school! He runs into the battlefield, tirelessly blowing his whistle to no avail. A group of kids set a nearby trash can ablaze. JACK HOOLIGANS! Jack’s screams reverberate amongst the chaos.
101.
JACK REJECTS! Fade to black. INT. NEWSROOM - DAY An important news break. ANCHORMAN Another terrible day in this already tragic week for Chester A. Arthur Junior High. Riots occurred this afternoon in the hallways of the quaint public school, the direct result of a flaw in the central bell system. Fires broke out in several areas of the building. Fire-fighters on scene have yet to contain the blaze, which continues to eat away at all of the school’s valuable resources. This comes just one day after the junior high suffered a massive epidemic of food poisoning, affecting nearly two-thirds of it's students. The leading suspect LUBERT LUBANSKI... The news shows a picture of Lubert. ANCHORMAN ...a wanted Chechen terrorist who worked in the cafeteria without proper certification, has yet to be located. The Anchorman changes cameras. ANCHORMAN Here are some reactions to today’s situation. EXT. OUTSIDE THE SCHOOL - ON TV Several kids seem very excited. One KID runs up to the camera. KID THE SCHOOL IS BURNING DOWN! YEA! The kid sets some nearby bushes on fire.
102.
EXT. OUTSIDE THE SCHOOL - ON TV A fireman. FIREMAN We’ve attempted to contain the blaze, but it’s proving difficult with all the kids running around setting more fires. EXT. OUTSIDE THE SCHOOL - ON TV Principal Meyer, squeezing in as much product placement as possible. PRINCIPAL MEYER We're all very disturbed and saddened by these events. He eats a Caramel-Apple Pop. PRINCIPAL MEYER (Looking at the sucker.) This is amazing. EXT. OUTSIDE THE SCHOOL - ON TV Chester A. Arthur stands, the school burning in the background. CHESTER A. ARTHUR (Crying.) Who's gonna name a school after me now? This is worse than the fire at Port Huron in 1871. EXT. THE KICKBALL FIELD - ON TV Greg stands with Jenn and the Rejects. GREG Well, my thoughts are this. You can't avoid obstacles in your life, no matter who you are. And you'll never get anywhere, or be anything, if you don't grab life by the balls and say, "Hey life! You can't get me down! No matter what you throw at me! Because that's the kind of guy I am! I'll never give up! I'll never...” (MORE)
103. GREG (cont'd) (Listening to someone offcamera.) What?
The interviewer says something to him. GREG The school is on fire? EXT. OUTSIDE THE SCHOOL - ON TV Jack, a distant stare, in close-up. JACK Why? Why did this happen? Black. JACK (Whispered V.O,) Why? INT. THE SWIMMING POOL - DAY The swimming/pizza party. "WE ARE THE CHAMPIONS" plays. The kids happily eat their free pizza, swimming, not learning. Greg and Jenn chat together, chaperoning. The following information appears over freeze frames of corresponding characters. Bernard eats pizza. Freeze. “Bernard, the fat kid, gave up his athletic career as a short stop in order to pursue his life long dream of being a chocolate taster for the Hershey Corporation.” Randy adjusts his goggles. “Randy, the blind kid, became the first visually impaired airforce pilot in American History. He posthumously received the Congressional Medal of Honor after crashing into a terrorist base camp.” Unibrow splashes Furgie. Freeze. “Jeffy, the unibrow kid, became a world class dermatologist, his primary practice, tumescent liposuction.” Furgie attempts to hide from the splashing. Freeze.
104.
“Furgie, the wiener kid, made millions as a front running specialist in laser technology. Soon after, he married a super model.” EXT. A BARGE BY THE OCEAN - DAY Lubert, waiting to be deported, waves to the camera. Freeze frame. “Lubert Lubanski was later captured, and was promptly deported back to Chechnya.” End of freeze frame. Several rocks pelt Lubert from offscreen. Protesters holding Anti-Immigrant signs scream and throw rocks at him. EXT. POLITICAL RALLY - DAY The Future. Ramon and Phil stand at a podium in front of a giant mob of supporters. “Ramon and Phil both resigned their positions as janitors at Chester A. Arthur junior high in order to become political activists. Together, they would fight for many worthwhile causes: immigration reform, legalizing marijuana, and...” The camera tilts down. They're holding hands. “Gay marriage.” INT. THE SWIMMING POOL - DAY Rodney, the cool kid, eats pizza. Wendell, the special Ed kid, eats his swim pass. Freeze. “Rodney, the cool kid, and Wendell, the special Ed kid, began a new wave of punk rock music. They called their band Remedial English.” INT. RODNEY’S GARAGE - DAY The future. Wendell, the drummer, and Rodney, the guitar player, practice in a garage.
105.
INT. THE SWIMMING POOL - DAY Rahib sits with his legs in the pool, wearing a neck brace. Freeze. “Following a long rehabilitation, Rahib, the theatre kid, was able to sing again. He would go on to win a Tony for the Julian Banks' Broadway Production of "Othello: The Moor The Merrier.” INT. A BROADWAY THEATRE - NIGHT The Future. Rahib bows during a curtain call as Julian joins him on-stage with a bouquet of flowers. INT. THE SWIMMING POOL - DAY Present. Amanda dives off the diving board. Freeze. “Amanda, the girl, broke the gender barrier of the National Football League becoming the leagues first female quarterback.” INT. A FOOTBALL STADIUM - DAY The Future. Amanda, the quarter back, smaller than everyone else, waves to the camera. The ball is hiked to her, and she is immediately sacked, full force. INT. THE SWIMMING POOL - DAY Present. Wonky, Greg, and Jenn sit together, eating pizza. Freeze. “Danny ‘Wonky-Legs’ Walker eventually joined The World Kickball Association, accompanied by his long time friend, coach, and stepfather, Greg Butterscotch. EXT. A PROFESSIONAL KICKBALL FIELD - DAY The Future.
106.
Greg gives Wonky a signal. Wonky kicks a homerun. Greg smiles at Jenn, who waves to him from the stands. INT. THE HALLS OF CHESTER A. ARTHUR JUNIOR HIGH - DAY Jack's painted portrait hangs nicely on the wall. The plaque with his name reads “Jack McDouche Bag,” the “bag” part written in with permanent marker. “Jack McDouche disappeared into an obscure private school system, where, meeting with an old religious man. After some question with him, was converted. Both from his enterprise and from the world; His crown bequeathing to his banish'd brother, And all their lands restor'd to them again that were with him exil'd.” INT. THE SWIMMING POOL - DAY The Fighting Rejects have a great time. Principal Meyer looks through the door, waves. Greg waves back at him with his fake arm, smiles. FADE TO BLACK.