Short Plays for Sad Children By Aaron Kozak
Current Revisions by (Aaron Kozak, 06/28/2009)
Aaron Kozak 5716 1/2 Camerford Avenue Los Angeles, CA 90038 (323)877-5999
“The best see over exploiting obsessive
of our theater is standing on tiptoe, striving to the shoulders of father and mother. The worst is and wallowing in the self-pity of adolescence and keyhole sexuality. The way out, as the poet says, is always through...� -Arthur Miller
2.
THE PLAYS 1. “Bonkers” 2. “Love at First Fight” 3. “The Trade: A Contentless Scene” 4. “Surrender Dorothy” 5. “The Oak and the Reeds: An Adaptation of Aesop’s Fable” 6. “Soy Beaney Todd” 7. “The Love of Art” 8. “Motivating the Mime” 9. “Steers and Queers” 10. “The Pumpkin and Penguin Dialogues”
3.
BONKERS
4.
A child’s birthday party. BONKERS (Offstage) Sorry, I’m late. Lady, I said I’m sorry. What do you want from me? It’ll be fine. They’ll love it. I’ve done this a million times. BONKERS the Clown enters, addressing the audience as his children. BONKERS (cont’d) Hey, Kids. It's me. Bonkers. He hits himself on the head with a frying pan, honks his nose. Bonkers (cont’d) Does someone have a birthday today? Is it you? (Pointing.) Nope. Well, then it must be you. (Pointing at someone else.) Nope. Wait a minute. I know who's birthday it is... (Large indicative realization followed by pointing.) It's you with the hat that says "It's my birthday." Bonkers laughs, hits himself with the frying pan again. OUCH.
BONKERS (cont’d)
Bonkers grabs the ridge of his nose, taking a moment. BONKERS (cont’d) (Addressing the “Birthday Girl” audience member.) So, what's your name sweetheart? Amanda? Use the actual audience member’s name. BONKERS (cont’d) Well, that's a beautiful name, Amanda. I'm Bonkers, Bonkers the Clown. (MORE)
5. BONKERS (cont’d) Are you having a happy birthday? That's great. I’m happy, too. See how happy I am? A wacky pose, half hearted. BONKERS (cont’d) Who likes balloon animals?! I can make a doggie or a kitty or a giraffe. He blows up the balloon, bends it into an unrecognizable figure. BONKERS (cont’d) It's a hippo! See, here’s the nose and the feet. Why don't you take this sweetheart? He hands the hippo off to a lucky audience member. BONKERS (cont’d) You have a good time with that. Okay so that’s balloon animals! Hoo frickin’ ray. Now... Bonkers is lost. BONKERS (cont’d) Jokes! I got jokes! Okay. Okay. How did the pants feel after being ironed? Kooky smile. BONKERS (cont’d) Give up? Depressed! Bonkers waits for the laughter that never comes. BONKERS (cont’d) I said the pants are depressed, kids. It’s funny. Beat. BONKERS (cont’d) I’m sorry. I guess only middle aged clowns feel depressed. My mistake. Shit, kids. That was a good joke. The mother objects off-stage.
6.
BONKERS (cont’d) (to the Mother.) What? No, I didn’t. When? There is no way I said that, Ma'am. Alright. ALRIGHT! SORRY! Bonkers returns his attention to the kids. BONKERS (cont’d) Kids, what Bonkers just said, con’t say that. It’s a bad word for bad people. (To the mother.) There you go, ma’am. Problem solved. He pulls out a whoopee cushion. BONKERS (cont’d) Back to the funny! Back to the funny! For my next trick.... Bonkers’ cell phone rings. He screens the call. Shaking his head, he dramatically slaps open the flip phone. BONKERS (cont’d) (On the phone.) Not now, honey! He hangs up. Lost again. Oh yeah!
BONKERS (cont’d)
He turns around, secretly blowing up the whoopee cushion. BONKERS (cont’d) Oh my, kids. Bonkers is very tired all of a sudden. Giant fake yawn. BONKERS (cont’d) I think I need to...sit down. He locates the nearest chair, sits on the whoopee cushion. Braaaaap. He smiles. BONKERS (cont’d) (Relieved.) You guys like one, huh? Alright. Now we’re getting somewhere.
7.
The mother objects. BONKERS (cont’d) (To the mother.) Is there a problem, Ma’am? What’s inappropriate? My whoopee cushion? Are you serious? This is day one material, Ma’am. One of the oldest gags in comedy. Bonkers throws his arms up. BONKERS (cont’d) (To the mother.) I really don’t need to enter this debate with you. You don’t know comedy, Ma’am. I do. Who’s wearing the frickin’ clown make up. The children are laughing. Amanda is laughing, and she’s not swearing. Let me do my job, alright? He returns to the act. BONKERS (cont’d) Where was I? What was the last thing I did? Do you remember? (To the mother.) I hope you’re happy. You’ve thrown me off my act again. He is really lost. BONKERS (cont’d) I did the balloon animals, jokes, cushion... He takes a deep breath. BONKERS (cont’d) Okay, listen. I’m gonna have to start over. My head is not in the right place today. Sorry. I’m gonna try again. He takes a deep breath. More enthused. BONKERS (cont’d) Hey, kids! It’s me! Bonkers! He cautiously hits himself on the head with the frying pan, honks his nose.
8.
BONKERS (cont’d) (To the mother.) I know I’ve already done this bit. That’s what happens when you start over. He takes a moment before he turns around, secretly blows up the whoopee cushion. BONKERS (cont’d) Oh my, Kids. Bonkers is suddenly very tired. Maybe I should... Bonkers’ cell phone rings. BONKERS (cont’d) Sorry, I have to take this. He squeezes the whoopee cushion with his hands, amused by the laughter of his young audience. He answers the phone. BONKERS (cont’d) (on the phone.) Honey, this is a very bad time. We’ll talk about this when I get home. I can’t talk now, I’m at the office. No. No. No. That’s my answer. So, if you wanna hear me say it some more then wait till I’m done working. Okay, now, you’re just being mean. You’re just trying to hurt my feelings. I work very hard at my job...I MAKE PEOPLE HAPPY! WHAT DO YOU DO THAT’S SO FRICKIN’ GREAT WITH YOUR LIFE?!! (Nice again.) Well, of course, taking care of the terminally ill is very great...you’re very great. I just... Bonkers closes the flip phone. SHIT!
BONKERS (cont’d)
The mother complains. BONKERS (cont’d) (To the mother.) I don’t care, Ma’am. Shit. Shit. Shit. Damnit. Damnit. Damnit. Ass. Ass. Ass. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck me.
9.
Back to the act. BONKERS (cont’d) Okay, kids. I’m gonna play a song on my special clown CD player, and we’re all gonna dance, and we’re gonna laugh, and we’re gonna have a fun, silly, fantastic time for Amanda’s birthday! He turns on the kooky music. BONKERS (cont’d) DANCE, YOU LITTLE FUCKERS! Bonkers does a half-assed kooky clown dance. BONKERS (cont’d) No, Ma’am! The show is not over! Don’t listen to her, kids! Keep dancing! Don’t stop dancing! NEVER STOP DANCING! His phone rings again. BONKERS (cont’d) I’m sorry. I know this might come off as unprofessional, but I really have to take this call. One sec... He answers the phone. BONKERS (cont’d) Hi, honey. (Listens.) I didn’t want you to cry, Sweetheart. That goes against everything I stand for. The mother interrupts. BONKERS (cont’d) (to the mother.) Ma’am, I’m on the phone. Thank you. Disgusted with the mother’s rude behavior, Bonkers returns to his phone call.
10.
BONKERS (cont’d) Sweetheart, I love you. I want you to be happy, but you’re asking me to give up the thing I love most in the world. (Beat) Of course, I love you the most in the world, but this is my livelihood! Do you have any idea how hard it is to find good clown work in Montana? I can’t think of one funny thing ever to come out of that fucking state! The mother is mad. BONKERS (cont’d) (To the mother.) Ma’am?! (To an audience.) Little boy, don’t you ever fuckin’ say that! (On the phone.) Honey, can we please talk about this when I get home? Why are we going to your mother’s? I don’t have time for that right now. Dead-pan panic. BONKERS (cont’d) Angel, don’t do that. Please! I’m asking you! WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME?! No, I’m not saying it’s your fault. I’m saying why are...Come on, Honey, to say someone always does anything is a gross exaggeration. Sweetie. I’m not trying to be clever. I have never been clever. Ever. Bonkers snickers. BONKERS (cont’d) Sweetie...Honey...Angel...BUT I LOVE YOU! She hangs up. Bonkers sadly looks up from his cell phone in the direction of the mother.
11.
BONKERS (cont’d) (To the mother.) You really called the cops? When will they be here? Fine. Let ‘em arrest me, Ma’am. I don’t care. Bonkers turns off the clown music. Bonkers (cont’d) You spend your whole life following this dream to make people happy. To see smiling faces and to make birthdays, and festivals, and circuses, and wrestling matches extra special. That’s all I wanted. But now that dream is gone. I have no dream. He looks at Amanda. BONKERS (cont’d) (To Amanda.) Amanda, I sincerely hope that, in some small way, I’ve made your special day one to remember and smile about. Bonkers nods, understandingly. BONKERS (cont’d) (To Amanda.) Well, I hope you get some nice presents then. That one looks like a back pack. He looks at the mother. BONKERS (cont’d) (To the mother.) Ma’am, I am sorry I yelled at you and cursed in front of the kiddies. Please tell the police I’m sorry they had to come here. I’m sure they have better things to do than deal with a sad, lonely clown... Bonkers turns on this radio. It’s an instrumental version of “Send in the Clowns.” BONKERS (cont’d) Well, I’m gonna go home. Have myself a drink, a smoke, and an overdosage of valium.
12.
Bonkers grabs his props. Walking off, his shoes squeak with each step. His phone rings. He drops everything, answers. BONKERS (cont’d) Hi, Honey. Listen, I’m really sorry, and I know it seems like I say that a lot, but I’m sorry. Everything is just so messed up right now, and we’re dealing with a big change. It’s just...I’m sorry. Really? You mean it? I love you, too. More than you’ll ever know. It’s not worth making people happy if I can’t see your smile everyday. And I was thinking, Montana is really unconquered territory in the comedy market. They don’t have comedy now, but that doesn’t mean they don’t need it, so maybe...Okay. You bet. We’ll talk about it when I get home, okay? Hey! Hey! He holds the phone up to his nose and honks it. BONKERS (cont’d) That laugh of yours. That’s all any clown could ask for. I love you, Sweetheart. Bye. He hangs up. The sound of distant police sirens. BONKERS (cont’d) I gotta go, kids! The fuzz are here! Bonkers grabs his stuff, dashing towards the door. He freezes, turns back to the audience with a smile, raises the whoopee cushion. Braaap. He exits laughing. Black.
13.
LOVE AT FIRST FIGHT
14.
WARREN watches television in his trashed out living room, eating cheetos and drinking beer. SCOTTY enters through the front door. SCOTTY Hey, Warren. Silence. SCOTTY (cont’d) Whaddya watchin'? Warren melodramatically huffs and takes a sip of beer. SCOTTY (cont’d) Is that the news you’re watching? WARREN Scotty, I hate you so fuckin' much it's unbearable. Does this look like the news, ya stupid piece'a shit? This is Wheelafuckinfortune. That’s Vanna White’s sweet ass, that’s Alex Trabec, and that’s a big fuckin’ wheel. Now, sit down before I knife ya, ya stupid bastard. Scotty sits as Warren finishes the cheetos. Loud crunching. SCOTTY I just bought those this morning. I didn't even have one. Warren looks around, finding one underneath him. WARREN There ya go. Warren offers the cheeto, pulls it away just before Scotty can grab it, shoves it in his own mouth. WARREN (cont’d) (Chewing.) Dumbass. Warren chews, laughing, drinks more beer. SCOTTY Did you get a job today, Warren?
15.
WARREN Did you eat my ass today? Cause, honestly, it'd be a lot easier to go out and get a job if you'd do that first. Scotty laughs, uncomfortable. Good one.
SCOTTY
WARREN Shut your mouth! I’m watching the damn TV! Silence. SCOTTY Rent is due this week, Warren. I had to pay for you last month, and I didn't mind doing it, don't get me wrong, but I was kind of thinking maybe you just could pay this month’s rent. Please. Warren doesn't look away from the TV. WARREN Grab me another beer, will ya? SCOTTY Sure thing. Scotty heads for the kitchen. WARREN You can have a Mountain Dew if you want. Scotty stops, almost says something, but withholds, exits. Warren watches TV. Scotty enters with a beer and a mountain dew. SCOTTY Now, what was it I was saying? Oh, right. It's the first day of the month so... WARREN Dude, do you fuckin' mind? I'm tryin'a listen to this.
16.
I'm sorry.
SCOTTY
They watch TV. WARREN Vanna White has a sweet ass. I mean prime. I wanna smack it. Then I wanna smack Alex Trabec in his goofy lookin' face. SCOTTY That's Pat Sajack. Warren attacks Scotty, climbs on top of him, punches him repeatedly. SCOTTY (cont’d) WARREN! OUCH! GET OFF! I'M SORRY! STOP PUNCHING ME! Warren returns to his place on the couch. Scotty catches his breath, flustered. WARREN You think you're so fuckin' smart, Scotty! That's what I hate about you the most. How you think you're so damn clever. You know everything. I really oughta kick your ass. Warren judges Scotty before drinking his beer, returns his attention to the TV. Silence. Scotty opens his Mountain Dew. The sound distracts Warren a bit. Scotty slurps his Mountain Dew, which aggravates Warren a bit. Scotty exhales loudly. Warren closes his eyes, tries to calm down. SCOTTY Geez. This is some good Mountain Dew. It's different. Like Mountain Dewier than normal. Warren throws his bottle at Scotty.
17.
SCOTTY (cont’d) Come on! That could actually hurt somebody, and you spilled beer on the carpet. Warren laughs. WARREN Whaddyou gonna do? Huh? You gonna fight me? (As Scotty.) Nope. Not me. Not Scotty. I can’t even confront my own limp dick. That's why those eighth graders kicked my ass. SCOTTY They didn't kick my...those kids were throwing rocks at me. WARREN And you fuckin' let 'em. You smiled politely while they trampled your dignity. Just as you’ve always done before. Just like you're gonna do right now. So. Either put up your fuckin' dukes or can it. Scotty dismisses the threat with a smile. He sits down. SCOTTY I'm twenty six, Warren. They're in the eighth grade. You can't just... WARREN Get me another beer. Scotty goes into the kitchen and gets the beer. He comes back out. SCOTTY Anyway, my girlfriend's comin' over. She can't wait To meet you. I really think you two will have a lot in common, but I just wanted to go ahead and remind you that I secured the television for our date tonight. We talked about it last week. And yesterday. And this morning. So. Here’s the reminder! Scotty’s nervous laughter lasts only a short moment.
18.
SCOTTY (cont’d) I rented Back to the Future. WARREN You don't have a girlfriend, Scotty. SCOTTY What? I...her name is Karen. WARREN How old is she? Nine? SCOTTY She's our age. WARREN You gonna be bangin' her in here or in your delorian. Warren laughs. SCOTTY I’m just reminding you, Warren. Knocking. SCOTTY (cont’d) (Standing.) That’s her! WARREN Get me a beer, Scotty. Scotty looks at the door. SCOTTY Sure thing, Warren. Scotty races into the kitchen. The knocking continues. Scotty hurries in, but without shaking the beer, hands off to Warren, before moving to the door. Loud knocking. Scotty opens the door. SCOTTY (cont’d) Hi there, you! Karen Why did it take you so long opening the door?
19.
Sorry.
SCOTTY
KAREN You didn’t hear me knocking? SCOTTY I did, but I... KAREN Knocking on the door means there is a person standing at the door. That’s how you know, Scotty. There’s knocking. There’s standing. One of life’s little rules which, for most people, needs no explanation. Go pay for my cab. I can’t cover it. (Looking around the apartment.) You live here? How much?
SCOTTY
KAREN I don’t know, Scotty! Would you just pay for the damn cab?! Always with the penny pinching! SCOTTY I may need to stop by the ATM. KAREN Why are you acting this way? Are you trying to impress your little friend here? Because I don’t think he’s impressed. WARREN (Watching T.V.) I am not fuckin’ impressed, Scotty. SCOTTY I’m sorry. I’ll pay for the cab. Just hold tight. Karen Hurry up! He’s probably furious. As long as you’ve kept him waiting, I would be too.
20.
SCOTTY I’ll tip him extra. Don’t worry. Scotty exits. Silence. KAREN So, Warren, is it? Well, Warren, tell me what is it that you do? Warren doesn’t respond. KAREN I love a man with personality. They watch wheel of fortune in silence. KAREN Are you a drug dealer? You look like a drug dealer? WARREN You look like a I’ll punch you in the face if you don’t stop talking to me while I’m trying to WATCH ALEX TRABEC AND VANNA WHITE’S SWEET ASS WHILE SHE TURNS THE FUCKIN’ LETTERS AROUND! A beat. Karen smiles at Warren, who goes back to Wheel of Fortune. KAREN Oh, that’s really cute, Warren. Warren huffs. WARREN Stupid bitch. KAREN What’s that, Warren? Did you say something? WARREN Maybe I did. KAREN Oh, well, I couldn’t hear you. Maybe you should say it again?
21.
Dyke.
WARREN
KAREN One more time? Warren looks at Karen, smiles. WARREN Karen, you said it was? Allow me to make myself clear. First, I called you a stupid bitch. Then soon after, I called you a dyke. And I want you to know that if I wanted your mouth open, I’d pull down my pants. Shut. The fuck. Up. Karen smiles. KAREN (Moving towards Warren.) Oh, Warren. She jerks Warren by his hair. He yelps. WARREN What the fuck? She jerks his hair harder. He whimpers. KAREN That’s not how you speak to a lady. She pulls Warren over the back of the couch, waging an all out attack. Karen mauls Warren, tossing him around the room like a rag doll. She throws him onto the couch. Warren sobs like an infant as she mounts him. KAREN YOU’RE REAL CUTE, AREN’T YOU, WARREN?! She punches him, he cries harder. KAREN QUIT CRYING! She punches him until his crying subsides to a whimper. Karen kisses him, closing her eyes.
22.
KAREN (Loving.) Warren. Honey. You’re getting a job. I can’t be with a man who doesn’t have any money. In the morning, you’re going to shower, shave, and get dressed up just like the adults do. You need benefits, Warren. Health. Dental. What?
WARREN
She punches him. Warren spits out a tooth. She backhands him, dismounts. WARREN (cont’d) (In tears.) WHAT THE FUCK?! She grabs him by the face. KAREN What did I say about talking to ladies, Warren? Sorry.
WARREN
KAREN Damn right, you are. She kicks him in the crotch. Scotty enters, flustered. SCOTTY I paid for the cab, Dear. (Seeing Warren.) What happened? KAREN Is the cab still there? SCOTTY No. He left. Don’t worry. I paid him, and he was very happy with the tip.
23.
KAREN (Annoyed.) Scotty, how is it that you manage to mess up everything, all the time. SCOTTY What do you mean? KAREN You let the cab leave. Now, Warren will just have to find another one. (To Warren.) WARREN! Put your jacket on. We’re leaving. I... WARREN!
WARREN KAREN
Warren grabs his jacket. KAREN (cont’d) I’m sorry, Scotty. This just isn’t gonna work out. Warren and I are in love, and he’s moving in with me. SCOTTY Oh. Wow. That happened fast. KAREN Yeah, we’re a match made in Heaven, aren’t we, dear? She grabs Warren’s hair, he winces, sniffles. Karen (cont’d) He’s very sensitive. SCOTTY Well, gosh, I don’t know what to say. I hope you two are very happy together. KAREN Thanks, Scotty. You really are the nicest guy I’ve ever dated. (To Warren.) Come on, Warren! We don’t have all day.
24.
She exits. Warren, scared, in tears, follows. He stops in front of the door, looks at Scotty. He sniffles. WARREN See you later, Scotty. WARREN!
KAREN
Karen pulls Warren out the door by his hair. He screams. Black.
25.
THE TRADE
A CONTENTLESS SCENE
26.
Nothing. A and B enter, each with their own concealed object. A You got the shit? B Maybe. You got yours? A That depends if you got yours. B Honestly, that seems a little funny to me because my shit depends on whether or not you got yours, so how can that be? A That’s funny shit, isn’t it? Sure is.
B
A sighs. A Okay. Listen. Maybe, I got half the shit, but that’s only if you got half of yours, and then after we figure that out, I dunno, maybe I could look a little harder, and find the other half of my shit, and then maybe you’ll find yours, assuming you find the first half. B Well, that seems a bit unfair to me, seeing as I still have to initiate the shit serving with half, allowing you to assume there is a whole from which it halved. A While it may seem unfair at first, you’ll notice after the nascent transaction, the half shit exchange, I then would be forthcoming with all my shit, before you.
27.
B Something still doesn’t seem right to me. A How about this. We’ll trade spots. I’ll show you my half of the shit first. Okay. Alright.
B A
Pause. B Maybe you wanted to trade spots, show all your shit last. A Maybe I did. I knew it.
B
A Maybe I didn’t. Maybe.
B
A You wanna trade back? Maybe.
B
A Well, that solves everything, doesn’t it? Sure does.
B
A No, it doesn’t. Maybe shows a lack of commitment. Compromise requires commitment from all sides.
28.
I see.
B
A Yeah, so do you wanna trade back, or leave it as is? B I’ll just show you my shit first. A That’s very courteous of you. B No problem. B reveals an object to A, hiding it from the audience. A Interesting. B You’re telling me. A Interesting, interesting. B I’m telling you. This is the shit. A I could see how you’d think that, but you haven’t seen my shit, yet. B I sure haven’t. A And maybe you never will. B But I courteously showed you all my shit, first, as per agreement, assuming your were honest. A That’s right. You did. Pause. A (cont’d) Do you know what time it is?
29.
B No. I don’t wear a watch. A Oh, okay. Well, here’s my shit. A reveals an object B, again, hiding it from the audience. Wow.
B
A Wow, indeed. Wow.
B
A Well, it seems we both brought our shit, didn’t we? B Seems that way. Sure does.
A
B You hand me yours and I’ll hand you mine. A Or better yet, avoiding more contentless banter, you give me half first, and then I’ll give you half, and then I’ll give you the other half, and then you’ll complete the exchange, giving me the last half, or we can trade spots. B You want half of this? Yes.
A
B stares at his object. I dunno.
B
30.
A Or, we could just switch on the count of three. Fine.
B
A Excellent. One. Two. B Wait a second, that’s not fair because you know when three is going to happen, as it’s you who is counting. A Well, it really doesn’t matter because I can’t make the exchange without you. B Then what’s the point of counting? A Let’s just trade now. Okay.
B
They move towards each other, very cautiously. They slowly extend their arms. They scream while exchanging objects, jumping apart upon completion.
Okay. Alright.
B (cont’d) A
B That went well. Yes.
A
They each look at their objects, look up at each other. A (cont’d) I’ll never forget you for this.
31.
B It was nothing. I needed your shit real bad. A I hope my shit does you good. B And mine for you, friend. And mine for you. They exit. Black.
32.
SURRENDER DOROTHY
33.
Two police OFFICERS drag The Wizard of Oz’s DOROTHY into a darkly lit holding tank, throwing her down into a chair. Disheveled, she sobs quietly, dabbing her eyes with a white handkerchief. A coat rack holds a large trench coat and a classic Detective hat. The officers stand at parade rest as a DETECTIVE enters, smoking a cigarette and holding a file. He’s already loosened his tie, and rolled up the sleeves of his dress shirt. The Detective places the cigarette in an ash tray and sifts through the file. There is two-way mirror behind them. He slams the file onto the table. Dorothy jumps. He slaps the table with his hand. Dorothy jumps again. DETECTIVE You wanna tell me about what’s in that file? DOROTHY (Crying.) What? DETECTIVE That file there. Pretty interesting stuff. Wanna tell me about it? DOROTHY Tell you what. The Detective sighs, picks up the cigarette and takes a drag. DETECTIVE Always the way with your type. Comin’ in here, actin’ like the trained professional of twenty years staring you in the face ain’t nothin’ more than a bad dream. Wake up, Dorothy. I know everything. Every. Thing. This file. The Detective taps his head. DETECTIVE (cont’d) Memorized. The ins and outs of your little operation. All exposed. You’re gone. There’s no question. For how long? The Detective drags the cigarette.
34.
Up to you.
DETECTIVE (cont’d)
DOROTHY I don’t understand. DETECTIVE The file, Dorothy. Tell me about the file. What file?
DOROTHY
DETECTIVE The file on the table, Dorothy! The one I’ve been talking to you about! Are you listening to me?! This isn’t stealin’ a few apples. This is serious shit. We’re talkin’ cold blooded murder. DOROTHY Murder? I didn’t kill anyone. I’m small and meak. I don’t know anything. The Detective slams his fist onto the table. DETECTIVE (Soft.) I am a patient man, Dorothy. Ask my wife. I’ve never hit a lady in all my years of loyal service to this department, but you... Breathes heavily, forming a fist with his right hand. DETECTIVE (cont’d) You are not a lady. You’re a sick fuck. And there is no way you’re walking outta here. Not on my watch. He prepares to deck her. She screams. He smiles at the officers. DETECTIVE (cont’d) Get the Scarecrow. They pull Dorothy out of the room, screaming. They re-enter holding the SCARECROW, throwing him into the chair.
35.
SCARECROW (Confused.) Hello. Are you the wizard? DETECTIVE I’m the wizard of justice, and you’re gonna burn, Scarecrow. You see this file? SCARECROW What’s a file? The Detective backhands the Scarecrow. DETECTIVE You see this file?! The Scarecrow is confused, but smiles. SCARECROW (Pointing to the file.) That thing? He backhands the Scarecrow again. DETECTIVE You got it, smart guy. Dorothy told a fascinating story, and it doesn’t make you look any too innocent. You get me Scarecrow? SCARECROW What’s a file again? DETECTIVE A lotta people out there wanna see you torched in the streets. All public-like. Very bad. We’re your only friends. SCARECROW What about, Dorothy? DETECTIVE Oh, the things she said about you. I could write a crime novel...and don’t think I won’t. I’m gonna make sure it has a happy ending. Good triumphs over evil. Get me? No?
SCARECROW
36.
DETECTIVE HAVEN’T YOU ANY BRAINS AT ALL?! I’VE GOT YOU, SCARECROW! TELL ME ABOUT THE FUCKIN’ FILE! SCARECROW (Point to the file.) You’re talking about that thing, right? DETECTIVE ALRIGHT! THAT’S THE LAST STRAW! GET THE TIN MAN! The officers drag the flailing scarecrow out of the room, and return with the TIN MAN. The Tin Man coldly smokes a cigarette, glances over towards his axe, which is in the hands of an officer. DETECTIVE (cont’d) Well, if it isn’t my old friend, the Tin Man. TIN MAN (Smiling.) Always a pleasure, Detective. DETECTIVE It’s funny that we keep running into each other. TIN MAN Hi. Fuckin. Larious. The Tin Man calmly drags his cigarette. DETECTIVE Did you have a nice shower? TIN MAN Not too bad. I didn’t see the point though. There’s no one in this joint cleaner than me. DETECTIVE Fuck you, you smug son of a bitch. I know who you are and I know what you did.
37.
TIN MAN You don’t have shit on me. I know it. Your two fuck buddies here know it. The officers react. TIN MAN (cont’d) If you’re gonna charge me. Fuckin’ charge me, but don’t waste my time. I’m a busy man. DETECTIVE The life of crime takes lots of time. The Tin Man laughs. TIN MAN Oh, you didn’t hear? Tin Man’s lumber distribution made millions last year. I’ve gone straight, a law abiding citizen through and through. The word crime means nothing to me. DETECTIVE Well, maybe you can understand the words: Axe Murderer. The Tin Man freezes. TIN MAN That’s a pretty steep charge, Detective. DETECTIVE You see this file? TIN MAN What’s a file? DETECTIVE I know you’re not the brainless one, asshole. That’s not gonna work this time. Take a look at this. He tosses the file down on the table. The Tin Man opens the file. He slowly examines each page.
38.
DETECTIVE (cont’d) This whole west side scenario. Nothin’ new to you, is it? We got tons’a grievin’ families fully prepared to point their fingers in your face. Did you honestly think you’d just keep flying under the radar? Did it never occur to you that axe wielding guys made of tin are rare around these parts? Consider yourself charged. The Detective crosses to the two-way mirror. Celebrating his victory with the guys hidden on the other side. The Tin Man puts out his cigarette. TIN MAN Looks like you got me, Detective. Only one small problem. The Tin Man smiles. TIN MAN (cont’d) No finger prints. The Tin Man’s dark laugh puts an end to the Detective’s celebration, who turns around, producing the Tin Man’s oil can. The Tin Man stops laughing. TIN MAN (cont’d) Hey! Where’d you get that? DETECTIVE Oh, I just happened to notice it while briefly visiting our little crime scene on the west side of town. The Tin Man lunges towards the Detective. He jolts back, unable to moves his left leg. He tries several times, but finds his joints too rusty. DETECTIVE (cont’d) How was your shower, Tin Man? Fuck you!
TIN MAN
The Detective pulls out a crow bar. Fuck me?
DETECTIVE
39.
He hits the Tin Man with the crowbar. TIN MAN (Crying.) I didn’t kill her! I swear! The Detective slams the crowbar into the Tin Man. TIN MAN (cont’d) IT WAS DOROTHY! SHE DID IT!! The Detective lays into the Tin Man over and over again. The Tin Man collapses to the ground. Barely living, the Tin Man’s sobbing becomes wheezing. DETECTIVE Bring the others in here, Boys. I want them to see this. The officers exit laughing. TIN MAN (Gasping for air.) It was... The Tin Man coughs. The cops enter with the Scarecrow and Dorothy. TIN MAN (cont’d) Dorothy...she...did it... DETECTIVE (Slow. Dark.) I know. The lion told us right before I killed him with this crow bar. A real tough guy. King of the forest. He wept like a baby when I pulled this out, instantly, tears running down his cheeks. He hid behind his tail. You might say, he died with his brains lion... (Pause.) ...next his head. The Detective laughs. DETECTIVE (cont’d) But he was still holding that tail. SCARECROW (Pleasantly unaffected.) Sometimes, I wish I had a tail. (MORE)
40. SCARECROW (cont'd) Hey! Do you suppose I could steal the lion’s brain and use it as my brain. Would then I have a brain and a tail? The Scarecrow smiles and looks around. No one says anything. SCARECROW (cont’d) What was I talking about again? DETECTIVE Set the scarecrow on fire. The Scarecrow clumsily stumbles around as the officers take him out. SCARECROW Good-bye, everybody! They exit. TIN MAN (Deathly quiet.) Oil... The Detective faces the Tin Man, still holding the crowbar. Oil..
TIN MAN (cont’d)
The Detective raises the crowbar. DETECTIVE I’ll see you in Hell, you heartless bastard. He brings the crowbar down onto the Tin Man many times, killing him. The room fills with a heavenly glow. The officers enter, lighting their cigarettes with a flaming piece of straw. Glenda, the Good Witch, slowly, sumptuously enters accompanied by music. The officers extinguish the burning straw. Everyone shields their eyes from the bright light. DOROTHY Oh, Glenda. Jimminy Crickets, am I glad to see you! The Detective shoots Glenda The Good Witch, who dies instantly. The light fades away.
41.
DOROTHY (cont’d) (Crying.) I want to go home. I miss Auntie Em. And Toto. I didn’t mean to kill the witch. The Scarecrow was on fire. She cries. DETECTIVE Oh, now, don’t cry. Please, you’re going to make me cry too. He starts crying. DETECTIVE (cont’d) Alright. Okay. I’ll tell you how to go home. I’ll tell you. Just please stop crying. DOROTHY (Soft, tearful.) Really? DETECTIVE (Uncontrollably sniveling.) Mmmm hmmmm... Detective regains control of his emotions. DETECTIVE (cont’d) All you have to do is click your heels together and repeat “There’s no place like home.” DOROTHY That’s all? DETECTIVE There’s no place like home. She nods and clicks her heels together. DOROTHY There’s no place like home... Detective joins in the chant, followed by the two officers. The chants of “There’s no place like home” flow in a hypnotic round, each individual repeating the phrase in their own manner, never consistent. The chanting unifies.
42.
Dorothy drops out. The Detective drops out. The other two officers chant quietly behind the dialogue. DOROTHY (cont’d) Is it working? DETECTIVE Boys, we got a serial killer on our hands. Motive on count one. Theft. As for the Scarecrow, the Tin Man, and the Lion- stick her with some mescaline, angel dust also. Open and shut case. DOROTHY Why are you doing this? DETECTIVE Send her to Leavenworth. Let her figure out if she’s a good bitch or a bad bitch. The Detective laughs, drags his cigarette once more before putting it out in the ash try. The Detective’s laugh raises in pitch. The officers, still chanting, drag Dorothy out of the room. The Detective removes the trench coat and hat from the coat rack, revealing the hat of the Wicked Witch of the West, as well as a broomstick; his laugh, now, a full-on witch cackle. DOROTHY (Exiting.) Wait! AUNTIE EM! AUNTIE EM! Dorothy and the Officer’s exit as the Detective places the Witch hat on top of his head. Black.
43.
THE OAK AND THE REEDS AN ADAPTATION OF AESOP’S FABLE
44.
New Orleans, Louisiana. Three reeds; DONNA, LOU, and HARRY waft in the breeze, sleeping next to a mighty OAK TREE, who watches the sky. OAK TREE (Cajun.) Da winds, dey be changin’. Skies gittin’ dawk. Wake up, y’reeds n’hear me now. Wake up. Donna and Harry wake. Lou remains asleep. HARRY What are you saying? OAK TREE I’m sayin’ dat, sure as I eva seen, dem skies toinin’ mighty dawk. Y’best uproot, lets the winds move y’to safa surroundin’s. Safa’n’hea, shawly. DONNA Harry, did you understand that? HARRY I think the oak tree is telling us to move. (To the Oak Tree.) Hey! Are you telling us to move? OAK TREE Lookit ova dere. Dem clouds in da sky dere. Y’see dem. Yeah.
HARRY
OAK TREE Y’best uproot, now. HARRY They’re just clouds. OAK TREE Dem stawm clouds. DONNA Where are we supposed to go?!
45.
OAK TREE Don’t matta. Jes’go. Jes’go, and come back when nature runits cawse. HARRY What’s the big deal? It rains all the time. OAK TREE Not like dis. Dis ain’t gon’be jes’rain, hea me, there gon’be lotsa wawta comin’ up here, lotsa wind. Dis gon’be a hoiacane. HARRY (To Donna.) What’s a hoiacane? OAK TREE You’sall ain’t gonna be hea’n d’mawnin. The manna which y’leave s’in yall own hands. What?
DONNA
HARRY He thinks we’re going to blow away in something called a hoiacane DONNA Is he saying hurricane? HARRY I dunno. (To the Oak Tree.) Hey! Are you saying hurricane? OAK TREE Yessa. Hoiacane. Biggess’I seen’n hun’erd yeas. HARRY Why do you think that? OAK TREE I grown hea long time, seen many a stawm. I’m too big faw da wind to take me nowhere. I gotsta stay, lookta Gawd for my suvival. (MORE)
46. OAK TREE (cont'd) Ya’ll can still leave hea on ya’ll own accoid. I wish you would. Truly, I do. Silence. HARRY Well, we’ll talk about it. OAK TREE Heed my woids. HARRY Okay, Oak Tree. Thank you. The Oak Tree looks out towards the ocean. Harry turns to Donna. HARRY (CONT’D) (cont’d) What do you think we should do? DONNA Maybe we should leave. HARRY Where are we going to go? DONNA I don’t know, but if we’re going to blow away in the wind... HARRY You’re right. (To Lou.) Lou! Wake up! We’re leaving! What?
LOU
HARRY There’s a hurricane coming. We’re going to uproot, and let the wind blow us to safety. No.
LOU
HARRY We have to. Why?
LOU
47.
DONNA The Oak tree said we should. LOU Donna, have you ever talked to the Oak tree? Like, really. Have you had a conversation with him? DONNA Sort of. He’s hard to understand. HARRY I understood him. He said this is the biggest storm he’s ever seen. LOU Let me show you something. Lou bends over. LOU (CONT’D) (cont’d) What does that tell you? Donna and Harry look at each other. LOU (CONT’D) (cont’d) It means we bend. Reeds bend. Do you know why we do that? Donna and Harry look at each other. LOU (CONT’D) (cont’d) Guys? Come on. Develop a little self-awareness. Please. It’s simple physics. When the winds come, the only thing in danger of blowing away is that Oak Tree. HARRY You’re crazy. He’s rooted in the ground. He’s been there for three hundred years. LOU Those roots can only withstand so much, Harry. If this storm is as big as he claims, he’s probably losing his sap over there. DONNA I don’t see what difference that makes for us.
48.
LOU Allow me to demonstrate again. Lou bends over. LOU (CONT’D) (cont’d) Reeds can live through hurricanes because bend beneath the wind. Simple physics. You see? Lou bends repeatedly. HARRY Yeah, I do. LOU Great. Then just chill out. Wake me when the storm is over. Lou goes to sleep. HARRY (to Donna) That settles that. (to the Oak Tree.) Hey! We’re going to stay here. OAK TREE I find dat decision ill-a’vised. I’s only lookin’ out f’yall best. HARRY Don’t worry about it, Oak Tree. We’re going to bend under the wind. Look. Harry bends repeatedly. DONNA Yes! Look! I can do it too! Donna joins Harry, bending repeatedly. DONNA (CONT’D) (cont’d) (Bending.) See?! OAK TREE Lil’reeds awe no match faw da fawce’a dis hoiacane. Mawk my woids. Ya’ll won’t be hea in da mawnin’.
49.
HARRY Yes, you said that earlier. But it’s simple physics. We’ll be fine. DONNA Do you know about physics, Oak Tree? OAK TREE If ya’ll wait too much longa, ya’lls winda f’escape will close. Thunder. OAK TREE (CONT’D) (cont’d) Uproot, now. Save y’lives. If’n y’don’t, bess git right wid Gawd. Black.
50.
A hurricane. The reeds blow in the wind, Harry and Donna laughing. The Oak Tree silent, with a pained, anxious expression. DONNA It’s working! Just like Lou said! HARRY It’s like we’re not even here! They laugh. HARRY (CONT’D) (cont’d) Watch this! Harry bends over. HARRY (CONT’D) (cont’d) Look how far I’m bending! Wow!
DONNA
HARRY You try it! Okay!
DONNA
Donna bends over. DONNA (CONT’D) (cont’d) Harry! Look! Look how far! Ta-da! HARRY That’s great! (To the Oak Tree.) Hey! Oak Tree! Look how far Donna can bend! OAK TREE I d’know if I can hold on much longa! HARRY What are you talking about?! OAK TREE Dem winds done a numba on my roots! I fear dis may be my end!
51.
DONNA What’d he say?! HARRY (to Donny.) He thinks he’s going to fall over! (to the Oak Tree.) Hold tight! You’ll make it! This can’t go on forever! OAK TREE I don’t have much time, s’please listen caoifully! The wind picks up. OAK TREE (CONT’D) (cont’d) Uproot! Dis ya’ll last chance! Uproot! Git on outta hea! DONNA I can’t hear him! HARRY WHAT?! WE CAN’T HEAR YOU! Lou wakes up. OAK TREE (Screaming.) UPROOT! TONS A WAWTA ‘BOUT T’BE COMIN’ OVA HEA! LOU CUT IT OUT, OAK TREE! YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND! WE BEND! HARRY (Scared.) WE BEND! DONNA (Scared.) WE BEND, OAK TREE! OAK TREE (Desperate.) GET ON OUTTA HEA! Y’GON’BE UNDA WAWTA! GET ON! GET ON OUTTA HEA!
52.
LOU YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT YOU’RE TALKING ABOUT! Lou blows away in the wind, screaming in pain. LOU (CONT’D) (cont’d) (Blowing away.) SAVE ME!! LOU!
HARRY
Lou is gone. DONNA HARRY! WHAT DO WE DO?! HARRY I DON’T KNOW! (To the Oak Tree.) HEY! WHAT DO WE DO?! SHOULD WE STILL UPROOT?! The Oak Tree bends. OAK TREE (Panic.) DEY’S NO TIME! HEA COME D’WAWTA! MAKE YA’LL PEACE WITH GAWD! MAKE YA’LL PEACE WITH GAWD! LAWD’A’MERCY! I AM BOIAKIN! The Oak Tree breaks, collapses. OAK TREE!
HARRY
Wind. OAK TREE!
HARRY (CONT’D) (cont’d)
The Oak Tree is dead. HARRY (CONT’D) (cont’d) OAK TREE! SHOULD WE UPROOT! DONNA HARRY! LOOK! THE WATER IS COMING! WHAT DO WE DO?!
53.
HELP! HARRY! They scream. Black.
HARRY DONNA
54.
SOY BEANY TODD
55.
A Butcher shop. The BUTCHER eagerly mops his store, whistling. He stops to admire his newest piece of machinery, the Grind’o’Matic Five Thousand, a giant meat grinder big enough to grind a whole cow. The Butcher pats the machine gently. He kisses the machine, returns to his mopping. A HEALTH INSPECTOR enters, the bell above the door rings. Butcher (Raising his hand.) Careful. Just mopped. Wouldn’t want ya to slip. Bust your head open. HEALTH INSPECTOR Thank you. Are you the owner? BUTCHER Owner and operator, at your service. HEALTH INSPECTOR You need to put up a sign. Excuse me?
BUTCHER
HEALTH INSPECTOR Something to inform your customers of the wet floor. There needs to be a sign. BUTCHER You are absolutely right. The Butcher grabs a traditional yellow “wet floor” sign, stands it up by the Health Inspector. BUTCHER (cont’d) Now, what’ll it be? HEALTH INSPECTOR This is my first butcher shop. BUTCHER Not hard to believe. We’re a dying industry. For a first time, you need something different, something the man at the back of the grocery ain’t never heard of. Boom! I got it! The perfect meat for you, and it’s on special. Capicola! (MORE)
56. BUTCHER (cont'd) Cured it myself, six months, all natural casing. You will never taste a better sandwich. HEALTH INSPECTOR No, thank you. BUTCHER How’s bout I grind you up some burger meat in my new grinder. Lookit this! He walks over to the Grind’0’matic Five Thousand. BUTCHER (cont’d) The Grind’o’matic Five Thousand. It’s been said you could grind a whole cow with this baby. She set me back a ton, but boy, was she worth it. Every penny. I never seen anything grind meat as fast. The Health Inspector reveals a badge. HEALTH INSPECTOR I’m from Health and Human services. May I look around? The Butcher freezes. BUTCHER Health and Human services? HEALTH INSPECTOR We received several complaints about the unsanitary conditions in your butcher shop. BUTCHER I run this joint by the book. Over fifty years. I serve good, clean meat. HEALTH INSPECTOR I need to look around your freezer. BUTCHER You could perform surgery in that freezer.
57.
HEALTH INSPECTOR Yes, but can you store meat there. That’s my question. A beat. The Butcher laughs. BUTCHER Sure. Let’s have a look. I got nothing to hide. They exit towards the freezer room. An effeminate hipster VEGAN and the stoner CASHIER from the veggie stand down the street enter slowly, trying not to ring the bell. It rings lightly. The Cashier attempts to leave, but the Vegan grabs him by the collar. CASHIER This is a bad idea. I should’ve stayed. Anyone could just walk off with an apple, or a head of lettuce. This is real bad. VEGAN Be cool, man. CASHIER I’m going back, man. The Vegan grabs him. Intense whispering. VEGAN Why are you freaking out now? After weeks of planning, all the work leading up to this moment. CASHIER I just left the stand. My Dad is gonna be pissed, man. VEGAN We had a deal. I made the phone call. Don’t you screw me on this! CASHIER Alright. Alright. Let’s just hurry.
58.
VEGAN Okay. I’m sorry I grabbed you. You got the dog poop? Yeah.
CASHIER
The Cashier holds up a bag. VEGAN Now, throw it in big grinder machine thingy. CASHIER Where is it? They look around. VEGAN Bingo! Over there. Now, toss it in. BUTCHER (Offstage.) I’ll be right with you. The Cashier bolts towards the door. The bell rings. Both hide. The Butcher walks out. Looking around, confused. BUTCHER (To the Health Inspector) Thought I heard the bell. I think it’s the fumes from all the pine sol I use keeping this place clean. It’s gettin’ to me...cause I clean so much. He exits. The Cashier and the Vegan come out of hiding. More intense whispering. VEGAN Okay. Do it, now. BUTCHER Let’s just go back. I’ll make us a salad, man. VEGAN Grow some balls, man. Seriously. This is the dream. Get some balls.
59.
CASHIER Dude brah, you gotta chill. I know you wanna take down the meat machine, I do too, but you need to stop bein’ so mean about it cause it really bums me out. A beet? VEGAN (Full Voice.) Put that piece of poo in the fucking grinding machine, you faggot. CASHIER Woah. Not cool. VEGAN Where are you going? CASHIER I’m going back to the stand. Totally uncool. The Cashier begins to exit. VEGAN You’re not going anywhere! The Vegan drags him to the ground, strangling him. BUTCHER (Offstage.) What’s going on in there?! The Butcher enters. The two cohorts freeze. BUTCHER (To the Vegan.) Hey! What are you doing here? I thought I told you not to come into my store, you little vegan prick. The Butcher grabs them both. VEGAN Murderer! Sick Animal murdering bastard! The Butcher shoves the cohorts down onto two neighboring chairs for questioning.
60.
BUTCHER What’s in that bag? The Butcher picks up the bag. BUTCHER Dog poo. Just as I suspected. What were you gonna do with this? VEGAN Suck my dick! CASHIER Woah, man. We were just pickin’ it up, man. Just trying to be cool dudes, man. BUTCHER Cool dudes, eh? You know what I think. I think you were gonna put this dog poo in my Grind’o’matic Five Thousand, and get me in trouble with Health and Human Services. The Butcher looks the Cashier over. BUTCHER (cont’d) (To the Cashier.) And don’t I know you! The Cashier shakes his head. BUTCHER (cont’d) Yeah, I do! You’re Leo’s kid! What?
CASHIER
BUTCHER I know your father. Are you high?! CASHIER How do you know my dad? BUTCHER Crazy Leo?! Culinary school. Who do you think helped him build that vegetable stand?! Before you were even born! And you come into my store, trying to throw dog poo in my grinder.
61.
CASHIER You got it wrong, Brah. I didn’t want any trouble. Don’t tell my Dad, please, sir. BUTCHER This is your first week workin’ there, ain’t it? Well...
CASHIER
BUTCHER What, you think crazy Leo wouldn’t tell one of his oldest colleagues about his son goin’ into the family business. He was so proud’a you. He would be very disappointed to see this. The Butcher shakes his head in disgust. BUTCHER Who’s watching your Dad’s store, right now? CASHIER I...I just... BUTCHER What is going on in that head’a yours, kid? Get back to the stand! Those sicko perverts are probably makin’ off with the cucumbers by now! You better pray I don’t call Leo! The Cashier runs out. BUTCHER (To the Cashier.) ...And say hello to your mother for me! The Butcher turns to the Vegan. BUTCHER And as for you, you little vegan punk. I’m sick’a you makin’ trouble for me, disburbin’ my customers, spreading lies about my shop, phoney phone calls. (MORE)
62. BUTCHER (cont'd) I am through with you. I’m calling the police this time. You stay put! The Butcher turns to grab the phone on the wall. The Vegan jumps to his feet, shoves the butcher. VEGAN Eat shit, meat man! The Vegan grabs the bag of dog poo, slams it into the butcher’s face. BUTCHER Ugh. You disgusting little rodent! The Vegan darts towards the door, slips on the wet floor, hitting his head on the meat grinder. The Vegan quietly sobs. The Butcher casually approaches. BUTCHER You gotta read the sign, kid. The Vegan quietly sobs, the Butcher grabs his knife. BUTCHER I was gonna let you leave, you know? Wasn’t even gonna call the police. Just wanted to scare you. The Butcher looks over the Vegan. BUTCHER (cont’d) I know you love animals. I do too. But people gotta a right to eat meat. The animals would eat you if they could, believe me. You’re probably delicious to them... The Butcher grabs the Vegan’s arm, pauses. BUTCHER (cont’d) (Thinking.) Probably very delicious...to them. VEGAN (Sobbing.) I think I need a doctor. The Butcher looks over the Vegans finger nails.
63.
BUTCHER Wow. Those are some clean fingernails. He lifts up the Vegan’s shirt, grabbing the injured hipster by his love handle. VEGAN What are you doing? Hmmmm.
BUTCHER
VEGAN Can you please call an ambulance? I hurt my neck. BUTCHER How do you feel about celery? What?
VEGAN
BUTCHER (Slow, To himself.) Chopped celery. Ground Marjoram. Hmmmm. VEGAN What are you talking about? Shhhh.
BUTCHER
The Butcher pats the Vegan on the head, slices his throat with no remorse. He cautiously looks to the freezer, grabs the Vegan’s lifeless body, tossing it into the Grind’o’Matic Five Thousand. He removes his Bloody Apron, mops up the blood on the floor. The Health Inspector enters. HEALTH INSPECTOR Well, let me be the first to say, whoever complained about the sanitary conditions of your business, sir, were completely uninformed. That is by far the cleanest freezer in town, I’ll vouch for that.
64.
Thank you.
BUTCHER
HEALTH INSPECTOR Truly, excellent work. If seemed a bit hostile at first, I apologize. I didn’t know what to expect from a butcher shop, but this place is cleaner than any grocery store. Unfortunately, I will need to dock a few points for the lack of proper notification regarding the wet floor. BUTCHER I understand. Never can be too careful. HEALTH INSPECTOR You still passed with flying colors, so it won’t mean anything. BUTCHER Great! Not that I was worried. HEALTH INSPECTOR I will have to come back and try some of that...what was it? Cupacabra? BUTCHER Capicola! like I said you’ll never taste a better sandwich. HEALTH INSPECTOR I look forward to it. Okay. I’m off to my next site. The Department of Health and Human Services appreciates your compliance. BUTCHER No problem at all. You take care now. She exits. The Bell rings. Black.
65.
THE LOVE OF ART
66.
A soft spotlight reveals a PAINTER at work. He runs his paint brush against the palette before cueing some beautiful piece of classical music. He conducts the music through fluid strokes against the canvas, his eyes closed. The CRITIC enters, watching this go on. CRITIC (To audience.) I hate worthless art. That may sound ignorant or close minded, “There’s no such thing as worthless art.” Blah, blah, blah, but I stand by it. Worthless art. No purpose. No function. Like, marching band. Here’s a tirade for you. Marching band is the most senseless form of art, I think, ever created. Absolutely mind boggling. Don’t get me wrong. I can appreciate any arrangement of “March Grandioso” just as much as the next guy. I will listen, with a finely tuned ear, to Gustav Holst’s “The Planets,” or Nugent’s “Cat Scratch Fever.” But, why the uniforms and why the marching? That’s all I wanna know. At any point, while playing “Land of one thousand dances,” do you ever just stop and ask yourselves any of the following questions: “Why am I wearing this hat? Is the plume really necessary? Who’s idea was it to have these pants to come up past your chest?” You’re walking around in circles, people. Walking around in circles. I just don’t know what else to say about it. Worthless art. The Painter brings the piece to an end, with one final stroke that seems to fade out with the music. He opens his eyes. PAINTER Finished! What do you think? CRITIC What is it? PAINTER (Very pleased.) It’s...a painting.
67.
CRITIC (Confused.) Uh huh. PAINTER My finest work. CRITIC Your finest work, huh? PAINTER What does it say to you? CRITIC Nothing. It says what it says. PAINTER It says nothing, while saying everything. Each line, meticulously crafted, individually stationed in a precise location, perfection. CRITIC You painted it with your eyes closed. I saw you. PAINTER The eyes are just another obstacle between the canvas and the soul. CRITIC No one will ever buy this. It’s dumb. It’s a dumb painting. A little perspective: my ten year old son did this same thing on his desk at school with a sharpie, and now he’s grounded. Dumb. Painting. PAINTER (Still pleased.) The piece formed itself, really. It did! I only functioned as the conductor, navigating the orchestral colors through music of the eyes. The aesthetic vision flowed from my veins, through my nerves and skin, transcended my perishable figure, and became an immortal disembodied brainchild of God. It lives. It breathes. It moves. This is me. This palette. This canvas. These colors. All are my flesh and blood. This painting. (MORE)
68. PAINTER (cont'd) This art. This is my soul. My joy. My suffering. My triumph. My love. Me. I saw the angel in the marble and carved until I set him free. Now, the world will know my name. The Painter approaches his work. He signs his name in the corner. The Critic stares at the painting. CRITIC This is the shittiest painting I’ve ever seen. PAINTER (Laughing.) Oh, now, that seems a bit far fetched. Who are you anyway to tell me about paintings? CRITIC Fine Arts monthly Magazine sent me here to critique your newest painting. I’m their lead art critic. PAINTER And you’re unimpressed with my painting? CRITIC Highly understated. PAINTER I see. That is your opinion, Sir. You’re absolutely entitled. BRING ON THE PUBLIC! A gong is heard off stage. A GONG MASTER rolls the gong on stage with a giant mob of football fans, vendors, and a marching band. CRITIC (A piercing blow.) I hate the public! PAINTER (Addressing his public.) Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the world premiere of my newest painting!
69.
Everyone cheers. The marching band plays. The Painter brings them to a hush. PAINTER (cont’d) I personally consider this my strongest statement as an artist... DRUNK FAN Yeah! Paint that shit! Everyone cheers. PAINTER Yes, thank you. Thank you. I believe it truly serves the function of art. It is my gift artists everywhere, musicians, singers, dancers, craft savvy adventurers fighting for truth beauty. And when you gaze upon I hope it helps you, as it did find your place in this world. give you...my painting!
to and it, me, I
He unveils the painting. The mob cheers. The band plays. The cheerleaders gather round the Painter as he’s hoisted in the air by his public, carried off stage. The Critic is left alone with the painting. CRITIC I don’t understand anything anymore. CLARA enters dressed in a marching band uniform, and though she is not wearing her plumed hat, she does have her clarinet. The Critic judges the painting. CLARA Did I miss the premiere? CRITIC Yes you did. CLARA Darnit! I practiced all week. Was it fun? The Critic ignores her. She watches him observe the painting. CLARA (cont’d) (Awkward.) Do you like, umm, paintings?
70.
CRITIC (Bitter disbelief.) Yes. Very much. CLARA Me too. You wanna hear me play the clarinet? No.
CRITIC
CLARA Okay. Did you paint that? CRITIC I don’t paint. I only criticize. I’m a critic. CLARA Is that fun? CRITIC It’s like a roller coaster, but funner. Is there something I can do for you? Something you need? I just...
CLARA
CRITIC I’ve got work to do, and I prefer judging this painting in total isolation. It fuels my distaste. Okay.
CLARA
She sadly walks to the other side of the stage. The critic begins writing notes in his note pad, periodically shaking his head. She sits down and starts practicing her clarinet. CRITIC Aren’t there practice rooms or something? CLARA They’re full. CRITIC Look, kid. I have to get this work done. I have a deadline. Get me?
71.
CLARA I’ll play quieter. CRITIC Quieter. Great. She plays quieter, but squeaks a lot more. CRITIC (cont’d) Stop with the squeaking. CLARA It happens when I try to play quiet. I think the problem is my embouchure. CRITIC I don’t care what the problem is. Just fix it. CLARA Okay. Sorry. She plays steadily, but squeaks. Several times. The Critic walks over to her. The painter enters and watches. CRITIC May I see this? He takes her clarinet. He removes her reed. CRITIC (cont’d) Maybe this is the problem? He breaks the reed. My reed!
CLARA
CRITIC Problem solved! Clara runs off crying. PAINTER A mournful sight. One meant to preach art to the masses, destroying the only thing that gives him purpose.
72.
CRITIC What do you know about saving art? Look at this painting. What is this? There’s no purpose. It doesn’t say anything. PAINTER Of course it says something. Look at it. CRITIC What’s revolutionary about this painting? Tell me. PAINTER The public enjoyed this piece. CRITIC The public? They’re morons! That girl playing the clarinet. She exists solely for free half time show entertainment, so the public can take a piss and spend six dollars on nachos. You don’t find people waiting in line all night for tickets to hear “Symphonic Metamorphosis.” Doesn’t happen. Theatre? Plays? They’re as good as done. It’s over. When all the old people are dead and gone, you think the youth of America will rise to the occasion, magically become theater savvy patrons, quoting Noel Coward and Shakespeare just because we put Puff Daddy in a fucking play on Broadway. No chance. They’ll be too busy watching emaciated super models and Vin Diesel blow up expensive cars. Don’t talk to me about the public. They can kiss my ass because they destroyed art, not me. The Painter nods. PAINTER You are right. The future of us seems grim and finite. Technologically, we’ve taken a giant step forward in all forms of art; we’re quicker, cleaner, costefficient, profitable; (MORE)
73. PAINTER (cont'd) perks gained by many artists at the cost of personal integrity. But we must find a purpose. Perhaps, watching a half time show falls short when compared to a wind symphony, but at least there is music being played. I’d rather see an artist cater to a willing public than one who caters only to himself. There is no shame in putting your craft towards something the world can appreciate. In fact, those artists keep it alive. It is they who will be remembered. It is they who will bring back our public back to the fold. The Painter moves towards the painting. PAINTER (cont’d) For the time and place, this painting is my greatest work. Maybe it is a statement designed for a public you despise, but I will display it proudly, and I will share my love of art with everyone. Not just the educated, or the craft savvy, but everyone. This is my soul. The Painter holds up his palette and brush. PAINTER (cont’d) My flesh and blood. CRITIC Fair enough. They exit. The Critic stops before walking off stage. He turns the painting around, which displays a hilariously offensive painting, preferably one relevant to the audience in house, who should laugh. It can also just say “All of you go fuck yourselves!” Black.
74.
MOTIVATING THE MIME
75.
A park. Late afternoon. A MIME enters, dragging himself along the stage with an invisible rope line. The miming goes on for a brief period before the Mime’s digital watch goes off. Break time. Entirely dropping the mime persona, he sits down on a bench and pulls out a lunch box. He opens the box and begins eating a sandwich. A middle aged couple, MAN and WOMAN, cross. WOMAN (Awkwardly pleasant.) Look, Honey! A mime! MAN (Awkwardly pleasant.) Oooh, maybe he’ll do the invisible box. Whaddya say mime? Do you wanna do the invisible box? Huh? The Mime continues to eat his sandwich. WOMAN Oh, I think he’s eating right now, Dear. MAN He doesn’t mind. It’s what he does. The Mime rolls his eyes, not performing. WOMAN I think he’s on his break. MAN (Laughing.) Break. Oh, Lord no. It’s not a job, Sweetie. He doesn’t have benefits. The Mime continues to eat his sandwich, paying no attention to the couple. The Man crosses his arms. MAN (A little more serious.) Alright, Mime. I’ve had quite enough of this foolishness. I know you have a trick in there somewhere, be it the invisible box or ladder, or whatever other invisible things you do. (MORE)
76. MAN (cont'd) So, lets see it. Right now. Let’s see that trick. The Mime glares at the Man. MAN (cont’d) Oh, come on. One trick. Please. For my wife. The Mime agrees. With a big mime-like smile, he flips them off. He holds position. Well, I...
MAN (cont’d)
The Mime reemphasizes his gesture with a bigger smile. MAN (cont’d) Let’s go dear. As they exit, the Mime continues to flip them off. He shakes his head, returns to eating his sandwich. A MOTIVATIONAL SPEAKER enters. He takes a seat next to the Mime. MOTIVATIONAL SPEAKER Hello, friend. Whatcha got there? The Mime holds up his sandwich. The Motivational Speaker reaches for the sandwich. MOTIVATIONAL SPEAKER (cont’d) May I? I wont eat it. I just wanna look at it. The Mime shrugs, shows him the sandwich. MOTIVATIONAL SPEAKER (cont’d) Mmmmm. Mmmmm. Mmmmm. Now, that looks just fantastic. Pieced together by a man who knows all the things he wants, needs on his sandwich. The ham layered delicately between slices of cheese and lettuce, mustard even. Oh my God, truly this is the sandwich of success. The Mime pulls the sandwich away as the Motivational Speaker moves closer.
77.
MOTIVATIONAL SPEAKER (cont’d) Let me tell you something, Mime. There is nothing in this world I love more than success. I love it. It means impact. Purpose. You’re a somebody. You are getting up off that big, fat, lazy fanny and scraping your nose dry on the grindstone. It feels good! It feels so good! The Mime continues to eat his sandwich. MOTIVATIONAL SPEAKER (cont’d) Success! Nothing sweeter. Nothing better. And you know, it’s all around you. When people think about success. They think money. Once I’m rich, then I have achieved success, but success comes in little things. We’re told to think big, but we miss the small. You get what I’m saying? The Mime doesn’t care. MOTIVATIONAL SPEAKER (cont’d) I need to know something, Mime. How much money do you have on you right now? The Mime holds up two fingers. MOTIVATIONAL SPEAKER (cont’d) Two dollars? The Mime holds up seven fingers and implies change. MOTIVATIONAL SPEAKER (cont’d) And seven cents. Well, that is just magnificent. And let me ask you something else, Mime... Pause. MOTIVATIONAL SPEAKER (cont’d) Are you satisfied with who you are, the things you do and stand for? The Mime gives a “sort of” gesture, then goes in for a bite of his sandwich.
78.
MOTIVATIONAL SPEAKER (cont’d) (Growing very serious.) Mime. Let me tell you something. MONEY DOES NOT MEAN SUCCESS! But if you success long enough, you will find money. I repeat. Money does not mean success, but if you success long enough, you will find money. Live and die, Mime. Live and die. You got the power. Yes, you do. Yes. You. Do. Because I didn’t come all the way over here to help you figure out who you think you are. I came here to help you figure out who you are. Because that person is far more wonderful than anyone you could ever imagine. You’ve got to get him out. Not for me. For you! You must! The Motivational Speaker smiles, sitting back. MOTIVATIONAL SPEAKER (cont’d) That is success. And it feels good. Boy, does it feel good. I wish you could’ve been there. Chicago. New York. Los Angeles. London. Russia. Germany. Japan. I saw it. I saw it happen all over the world. Success. Truly, a nectarine of the Gods. And do you wanna know how to get it? The Mime eats. MOTIVATIONAL SPEAKER (cont’d) (Slowing down.) All. You. Have. To. Do. Is. Pause. Succeed.
MOTIVATIONAL SPEAKER (cont’d)
The Motivational Speaker has blown your mind. MOTIVATIONAL SPEAKER (cont’d) No big deal. I met a young woman on one of my visits to the great state of Maine, just outside of Augusta, at the bus station. Her name was Victoria Van Johnson. This was a fine young girl of about the age sixteen, and she said to me. (MORE)
79. MOTIVATIONAL SPEAKER (cont’d) “Mister. What should I do with my life to be successful?” The Motivational Speaker is dramatically taken aback. MOTIVATIONAL SPEAKER (cont’d) Now, I don’t have all the answers. Never claimed to, and this question weighed heavily on my heart because I wanted to tell that little girl SO BADLY... (Pause.) ...exactly what she needed to do, but I can’t know that. I can’t. You can’t. And anyway, what kind of boring existence would that be? I don’t even want to know. But little sixteen year old Victoria Van Johnson from just outside of Augusta, Maine...she wanted to know! The Motivational Speaker shakes his head. MOTIVATIONAL SPEAKER (cont’d) She wanted to know, Mime! And this little girl, would not take no for answer. So, I sat her down on my lap and I said “Little girl, it takes many different things to make success. It takes time. Time you put towards your dreams and your aspirations for things that make you happy. Success takes will. The world is a tough cookie to crack, so keep on guard and stand tall because you can... Pause. MOTIVATIONAL SPEAKER (cont’d) ...and you will. You know what it’s also gonna take, and some might argue that this is my weak point... The Motivational Speaker laughs. MOTIVATIONAL SPEAKER (cont’d) You gotta have those brains. Think hard, think long, keep that brain strong. Feed your mind the food of success. (MORE)
80. MOTIVATIONAL SPEAKER (cont’d) Read about Donald Trump, or Ross Perot, or Peg Entwhistle, and see if that doesn’t get you excited to follow your dreams. That’s another thing. Dreams. To quote the great Langston Hughes, “Hold fast to dreams. For if dreams die, life is a broken winged bird that cannot fly.” Dream. Dream all the time. Pause. MOTIVATIONAL SPEAKER (cont’d) I looked at that beautiful, young sixteen year old girl named Victoria Van Johnson, and I told her, as am I’m telling you, the final element for success. By far the most important, by far the most neglected. I said, “the last thing you need, Victoria, is love.” He looks at the Mime. MOTIVATIONAL SPEAKER (cont’d) Love, Mime. You must have love. The Motivational Speaker looks off. MOTIVATIONAL SPEAKER (cont’d) And then I made love to that sixteen year old girl right then and there in that bus station. The Motivational Speaker looks down in shame. MOTIVATIONAL SPEAKER (cont’d) And that’s what got me here today. So, Mime. That’s the secret. You need time. You need will. You need brains. You need dreams. And you need love. You have all those things, then you, my dear friend, have success. He pats the Mime on the back. MOTIVATIONAL SPEAKER (cont’d) Now, that’ll be two dollars and seven cents. The Motivational Speaker holds out his open palm.
81.
MOTIVATIONAL SPEAKER (cont’d) In cash, please. The Mime refuses. MOTIVATIONAL SPEAKER (cont’d) Then may I please have a bite of your sandwich? The Mime refuses once more. MOTIVATIONAL SPEAKER (cont’d) What about the invisible box? Can you do that? Can you show me the invisible box? The Mime eats his sandwich. The Motivational Speaker leans back against the bench, sighs. MOTIVATIONAL SPEAKER (cont’d) Hold fast to dreams. For when dreams go, life is a barren field frozen with snow. Black.
82.
STEERS AND QUEERS
83.
A West Hollywood Gay Bar. A man in full cowboy attire sulks at the bar. He is the roughest, toughest, and meanest gunfighter the great state of Texas has ever seen, and it is for that very reason, they call him BIG TEXAS PHIL. He smiles politely and tips his hat to an invisible patron who sits near him. There is a BARTENDER cleaning glasses. He smiles at Big Texas Phil, who smiles back. Phil slams his hand down onto the bar. The Bartender looks towards him, startled. He shoots the Bartender with his imaginary "hand gun." The Bartender pretends to be hurt. They laugh. Big Texas Phil turns towards the invisible patron, shoots him, tries to include him in the laughter. It ends up being awkward, so he turns back towards the bar. The Bartender brings him another drink, but before handing it over, pretend shoots Big Texas Phil, who plays along with less enthusiasm. Phil slams the drink, follows it with a deep breath. He turns toward the invisible patron. BIG TEXAS PHIL Howdy, stranger. Pull up a seat! Big Texas Phil laughs, very nervous. BIG TEXAS PHIL (cont’d) I understand that you're already sittin' down. I was...joke... The invisible patron gets up and starts to walk away. BIG TEXAS PHIL (cont’d) No! Come back! Let me get you a drink. (To the Bartender.) San Francisco Sarsaparilla on me! (To the invisible patron.) Oh. Well, let me at least round you up a glass of water. (To the Bartender.) Bartender! Make that A San Francisco Sarsaparilla for me and glass of water for my compadre here. (To the invisible patron.) I appreciate you not runnin' off. I could really use the gab. Sometimes it does a man good to have the company of another man.
84.
The Bartender rounds up the drinks. BIG TEXAS PHIL (cont’d) Some might think it a bit strange, a feller comin' in here and not taking to the drink. Phil catches himself. BIG TEXAS PHIL (cont’d) Oh! Not me! No, no, no, not me, my friend. To each his own is my ideal. It’s the code I live by. I hold it up there with not swearin’ in front of ladies. Phil takes another shot of sarsaparilla and regains his composure. BIG TEXAS PHIL (cont’d) (Nervous aggression.) So, what brings you to West Hollywood? Gold, I figure. Them hills come a callin’ and you gotta go. You just have to. They just won't shut up. Them hills. Always callin', and always when your warshin' yer hair. They can't just call when you're... (Crashing and burning.) Partner, truth be told, you're better off headin’ up to the Yukon. There ain't no gold here anymore. Where it is cold, there you will find gold... Phil laughs. BIG TEXAS PHIL (cont’d) I made that up myself. I say it all the time. Feel free to help yourself to it 'cause...hey, what good is bein’ funny if you can’t share it with the rest of the world? Word of advice, pick up supplies somewhere else, they git cheaper the further away you git from here. Somethin' to do with supply or demand or whatnot. Stuff left up to smarter men then myself, one of them economists or whatever ya call 'em. (Listening.) (MORE)
85. BIG TEXAS PHIL (cont’d) You're an economics teacher? Woodoggie! That is wonderful. Being a school teacher is a fine job. Admirable. So many people hoard knowledge, even more than gold sometimes, so it’s good that we have nice, respectable gentlemen like yourself out their shaping the minds of tomorra. Maybe, if I had a nice teacher like you when I was a youngin’... Phil looks down for a second. He looks back up. BIG TEXAS PHIL (cont’d) I ain’t no teacher or anything like respectable like that. I find it best just to stick to my guns. He smiles, searching for an ounce of admiration. BIG TEXAS PHIL (cont’d) If you catch my subtle drift, then I needn't explain as to what my occupation is. He smiles and nods, cocky. BIG TEXAS PHIL (cont’d) I'm a gunfighter. Phil pulls out his gun, panics. BIG TEXAS PHIL (cont’d) Oh, no! I wuddn't gonna. I just wanted to show ya. Phil displays the gun, safely. Big Texas phil (cont’d) Purdy as picture, ain’t she. I pull this little lady out and her beauty mesmerizes those who have the misfortune to look upon her. She entices, then she attacks. Only takes one shot. Every time. He puts the gun away. BIG TEXAS PHIL (cont’d) Whereabouts might you be coming from, stranger? Heaven!
86.
Phil laughs at his own joke. BIG TEXAS PHIL (cont’d) I'm sorry. I'm terrible when I drink. What's that? (Listening.) Texas? You're from Texas? Hell yeah, I been to Texas. Been, born, and raised in Texas. Texas. Yes, sir. It wasn’t too long ago that I was standin’ under that lone star, fillin’ men with holes from Amarillo to Dallas all the way down to San Anton and... (Singing.) "out in the west Texas town of El Paso." All over. In fact, I acquired quite the reputation in that there state. Perhaps, you’ve heard of me, bein’ from there’n all. They call me Big Texas Phil. (He pauses.) Never? Well, after I picked up and left for West Hollywood, that's when you started getting your image conscious pole cats like Johnny Ringo who were more concerned with their intimidating persona than with the job, the art if you will. All the good ole fashion gunfighters like me get over looked, not to mention the fact that being one of the only cowboys who practiced an alternative lifestyle- well, that didn’t help me none. It’s so hard to build up a rough and tough image when you’re a queer cowboy. Not that I ain’t prouda who I am, but lets just face it friend, sometimes people just ain’t comfortable with two men bein' together in the affectionate sense. That’s part of the reason I left the state for Californy. People just ain't comfortable with me. He looks down at his empty shot glass. BIG TEXAS PHIL (cont’d) I used to live outside’a this little east Texas town called Nacogdoches. (MORE)
87. BIG TEXAS PHIL (cont’d) There ain't nothin' there really, nothin' worth rememberin', but it was my home from when I was a little fellar. Wait, actually, I take that back. There is one thing I remember. Them pine trees. Them tall, vibrant green pine trees that you could smell the minute your eye lids peeled open in the morning, right up until they set like the sun at night. It smelled like Heaven, I reckon. That's why they call it God's country. Me and my cohort- uh, Charlie Ray was his name. We'd sit in that smell all day not carin' nothin' about nothin'. That was livin' my friend. I'll probably never find anything to be more satisfyin' than those days in them Pineywoods. Never. Phil "shoots" the Bartender again and tries to laugh. The bartender isn't paying attention, cleaning shot glasses, which embarrasses the cowboy. BIG TEXAS PHIL (cont’d) He usually...it's somethin' we do. (Listening.) What? Oh, no! I'm single. Single as the day is long. Don't you worry 'bout that. Totally available. One hundred percent. A beat. BIG TEXAS PHIL (cont’d) Well, the thing is, I ain't actually with Charlie Ray anymore. Nah, it wuddn't anything like that. I wish it was...more like that I mean. I'm sorry, it's a long story. (To the Bartender.) San Fran Sarsaparilla if you please, Keep... The Bartender brings him another shot. BIG TEXAS PHIL (cont’d) Well, the thing is, I don't really like to talk about it, and it's not even a great story or anything anyway...just somethin' that happened. Things happen everyday. (MORE)
88. BIG TEXAS PHIL (cont’d) To good people, to bad people, they just happen...and peace, it ain't never gonna come to those that sit in their past like a filthy pair’a denims or somethin’. They'll just get dirtier and dirtier and dirtier until finally, they ain't nothin' but filth...inside and out. Phil takes the shot, clearly intoxicated. BIG TEXAS PHIL (cont’d) (Grim.) I'm filth. Did you know that? (He laughs.) I am. You don't know...but I am. I've done awful things. I'll never...God ain't gonna forgive me for the things I done. They don't let filth into Heaven. Big Texas Phil expression turns grave. BIG TEXAS PHIL (cont’d) I need another shot. The Bartender brings another shot, which Phil instantly slams. BIG TEXAS PHIL (cont’d) Okay, I'll tell ya, but you gotta promise never to say a word about it. I ain't never told anyone this, but you seem like a right nice fella. Promise me you won't say nothin'. Thanks, I truly appreciate it. You wanna shot? Pause. BIG TEXAS PHIL (cont’d) Oh, I forgot. You don't drink none. Well, I'm gonna have one more if you don't mind. (To the Bartender.) Keep! I need one more. The Bartender shakes his head. BiG TEXAS PHIL (cont’d) Just one more. I’ll be fine. I’m gonna sit here for a bit, so you don’t worry none.
89.
The Bartender agrees, pours another shot. Big Texas Phil takes a moment before slamming the last shot. BIG TEXAS PHIL (cont’d) So, this one night, me and Charlie Ray...we were sittin' round a fire...boozing, laughin', and you know... (Implies anal sex.) Like we done every night for years. But one night I hear a couple fellars muttering somethin' somewhere in the dark. I don’t take kindly to bein’ spied on, so I make fer the little lady, and I stand up and I says to 'em.. Phil rises from his seat at the bar and walks towards stage center, little lady in hand. He is spotlighted. BIG TEXAS PHIL (cont’d) "You varmints best be movin' along, this ain’t no place for peepin Tom’s!" I still hear ‘em talking, laughin’ at me this time.. He raises the little lady. BIG TEXAS PHIL (cont’d) "You boys don’t wanna be crossin’ me. I'm the roughest, toughest, meanest gunfighter the great state of Texas has ever seen, and if'n you don’t move along, you're gonna find yourself fulla holes in places you ain’t used to." Then one of them calls me a derogatory remark, so's I run out into the pineywoods looking for 'em. Well, I end up catchin' one of ‘em, and I drag him by his hair back to the camp. I stick the little lady up to his head. I was just about to send him to meet his maker when Charlie Ray pistol whips me. Phil laughs. BIG TEXAS PHIL (cont’d) Oooo-weee, that pistol butt hurt more'n a trip to a dentist outta laughin' gas. (MORE)
90. BIG TEXAS PHIL (cont’d) I says to him, "What in the galldern fuckin' hell you gotta go and do that for?! Hittin' me in the face with your gun butt...I ain't the one spyin' callin' people derogatory names and whatnot..." Pause. BIG TEXAS PHIL (cont’d) He shakes me hard, looks me in the face and says "Phil, it's just a word. No sense in killin' over a stupid word. They just don’t know no better. They’re jackasses." Phil laughs. BIG TEXAS PHIL (cont’d) That was Charlie Ray. I had the temper of a wild fire. I woulda sent that man's brains flyin' into the dirt, but not him. He was always good natured and level headed. Phil smiles, remembering. BIG TEXAS PHIL (cont’d) Charlie Ray advises me that it’d do me good to go into town and find me a saloon. Calm me down, and really, who am I to argue with him about that. So's, I hop on the back of my loyal steer Casper...Oh, that’s another thing. Me and Charlie Ray didn't ride horses. No, siree. We rode cows. Big ole honkin’ cows prettier, more graceful’n any horse I ever rode. At times, I've also questioned that fact as bein' a reason why no one took too kindly to us. “Why don't just get horses like normal folks they'd say.” They didn’t realize that Casper, the steer I was transportin’ myself on at the time, was the finest ridin' cow in the world. Ever. And like I said before, I ain't ashamed of who I am. So, anyways, me and Casper, we head on into town for the saloon.
91.
Behind Big Texas Phil, the stage transforms into an Old-Timey saloon. A piano is rolled on stage and the pianist begins to play some old western music. The same Bartender from earlier enters wearing a handle-bar mustache. All the tables are full; some with cards, some with good conversation. BIG TEXAS PHIL (cont’d) It’s getting’ to be around nine o’clock, so the saloon is packed with dirtiest bunch of drunken hombres this side of this Mississipp. I tip the piano player as I walk in, order me a Sarsaparilla and the bartender eyeballs me. Big Texas Phil leaves the spotlight and moves to the bar. BARTENDER Hey, ain’t you Big Texas Phil? BIG TEXAS PHIL Yes, sir I am. The Bartender takes away his drink. BARTENDER We don’t serve your kind here. The piano plays a sour note and all action halts. Everyone scowls at Big Texas Phil. BIG TEXAS PHIL Look, sir, I understand your concern in harborin' a man of my reputation. I also understand that I’ve had my share of transgressions, but I ain’t never killed a man who wasn’t askin’ fer it. And despite my rootin’ tootin’ appearance, I am actually a very calm gentlemen of good moral fiber and character. I would never enter this fine establishment to cause harm to you, or any of yer patrons. I simply want to drink those San Fransisco Sarsaparillas until I can’t feel my backside bouncin’ atop my loyal cow tied-up out front. Big Texas Phil smiles. The Bartender does not.
92.
BARTENDER I said, we don’t serve your kind here. The Bartender pulls out a double barrel shotgun. BARTENDER (cont’d) Now, get the fuck out of my bar, queer. Big Texas Phil, slowly, gets up and backs out of the bar into the spotlight. He tips his hat before leaving. The stage clears. BIG TEXAS PHIL That's when I made the decision that I wasn't gonna kill no more. Charlie Ray's good nature had rubbed off on me or somethin' cause under normal circumstances I would've killed every last mother fucker in that bar right then and there...but this time, it just didn't seem worth it. I head on back to camp, soberer’n a dang ole padre. He laughs only for moment, then grows a dark expression. BIG TEXAS PHIL (cont’d) Back at camp, if find all of my belongin’s been broke. And anything that weren't broke either been burnt up or stolen. I couldn't find Charlie Ray, so figured he musta gone after them varmits. I took off into the pineywoods, thinkin’ this'd be a nice way to see my previous violent lifestyle off with bang...then I find Charlie Ray. Silence. BIG TEXAS PHIL (cont’d) Someone hung him from one of them pine trees by his neck till he was dead. I pulled out the little lady, shot the rope to get him down. I tried revivin’ him, he was dead long before I got there, I reckon. (MORE)
93. BIG TEXAS PHIL (cont’d) I noticed his back had blood all over it, so’s I pulled off his shirt to see if he'd been shot, and it turns out, them varmits had carved somethin' into him, a word. Queer. I could read it clear as day. Phil takes off his hat. BIG TEXAS PHIL (cont’d) I buried him right there under that pine tree, so’s that even if his soul never makes it on account'a all the killin' we done together, if soul never makes, least his body could still smell heaven every day in them pineywoods. I packed up what was left of our camp, jumped a’top Casper, and we rode back into town. I find Charlie Ray’s cow, Pokey, tied up outside the very same saloon I had been tossed out of not three hours prior. The stage is again transformed into the saloon. The piano player begins to play. BIG TEXAS PHIL (cont’d) I walk in. And sittin' in one of the back tables, I see them peepin' toms. Big Texas Phil walks into the scene and tips the piano player. The piano player notices him, but continues to play. The Bartender eye-balls Big Texas Phil. BARTENDER I thought I told you... Phil shoots the Bartender. Everyone freezes except for three men seated at a table in the back. They continue to play cards, unphased. BIG TEXAS PHIL Who here killed my friend Charlie Ray? A man gets up from the card table, runs for the door. Big Texas Phil shoots him in the back.
94.
BIG TEXAS PHIL (CONT'D) (cont’d) I AIN'T FUCKIN' AROUND! Who. Killed. My. Friend. Charlie. Ray. One of the three men in the back start laughing. LEADER Hey, wuddn’t that the name-a that there queer cowboy we ran into out in the pineywoods? PEEPIN' TOM #1 Yessir, I think it was. Yup.
PEEPIN' TOM #2
LEADER Well, ain't that a funny thang. I guess that means...we killed Charlie Ray. They all laugh as they stand, each with a gun in hand. LEADER (cont’d) Now, wudder you gunna do about it? There’s three of us, and only onea you. Queer. Phil shoots the two varmints in the blink of an eye. The Leader, now alone, freezes. BIG TEXAS PHIL Seems you miscounted, Boy. Phil laughs. BIG TEXAS PHIL (cont’d) Sorry, I know this is a bad time fer jokes, but what goods bein’ funny if you can’t share it with the rest of the world. Why I choose to share it with you, I'll never know. You're a low down, no good, murderin' varmit. And now, you're gonna pay. Big Texas Phil shoots the Leader in his hand, causing the man to drop his gun. The Leader screams in agony, grabbing his bleeding hand. He makes for the door, but Phil catches him, sticks the barrel of the gun up to his mouth.
95.
BIG TEXAS PHIL (cont’d) Why’d you kill my friend? Phil fires the warning shot in the air. BIG TEXAS PHIL (cont’d) Why’d you kill my friend, Mister? LEADER (Stuttering). I-I-I ain’t even the one killed that queer cowboy. He fires another warning shot. BIG TEXAS PHIL Queer. I keep hearin' you say that word. Well, I gotta tell ya, if him bein’ queer is the only reason you got, than you’re dead where you stand, Boy. LEADER (To Phil.) I saw yer fag cowboy boyfriend fornicatin' earlier tonight with another man...I think he was a Mexican. I seen 'em behind the supply depot over yonder past the cemetary, right by the Church even. I seen it! (To the Bar's patrons.) Y'all gonna let this queer hombre kill me?! Phil fires another warning shot. LEADER (cont’d) PLEASE DON’T HURT ME! I got a wife and a new baby... Long pause. BIG TEXAS PHIL You're a liar. LEADER I swear, I ain't. BIG TEXAS PHIL Charlie Ray wouldn't never fornicate with another man.
96.
LEADER He did. I seen him. He gots a big tattoo of a pistol on the back'a his thigh. Phil is taken aback. LEADER (cont’d) I swear to the good Lord, I seen it! Silence. Phil shakes his head. No, sir.
BIG TEXAS PHIL
Phil cries. BIG TEXAS PHIL (cont’d) No, sir. That ain't the truth! Phil release the Leader, sobs. LEADER (To the bar, more relaxed.) Lookit that! Cryin' cowboy. Don't see that everyday, tell you what. Them queer pree-verts can't never keep their willy's in one hole, can they. Big Texas Phil pistol whips the Leader, throws him against the bar, slamming his head down like an empty shot glass. BIG TEXAS PHIL Take yer fuckin' pants, off! What?
LEADER
BIG TEXAS PHIL TAKE YOUR FUCKIN' PANTS OFF?! LEADER I AIN'T GONNA! Big Texas Phil slams the gun into the back of the Leaders head. LEADER (cont’d) Okay. Okay.
97.
The Leader takes his pants off. LEADER (cont’d) (To the patrons.) Someone help me! Please! DO SOMETHING! BIG TEXAS PHIL SHUT YER MOUTH! DON'T NO ONE MOVE A MUSCLE! BIG TEXAS PHIL (cont’d) You look real nice, Boy. Real nice. Phil grabs the leaders butt, gets in position for anal sex, points the gun to the back of the Leader's head. He clicks. The set clears, leaving only Big Texas Phil. BIG TEXAS PHIL (cont’d) God don’t let filth into Heaven. Phil turns to the audience. BIG TEXAS PHIL (cont’d) A broken heart and a broken mind are one and the same. They drive you into madness. You think God understands madness? I threw that kid onto the bar. He was no more than twenty. Screamin' and cryin', everyone in the bar is just watchin’. (Distant.) I worked that boy over, in and out, raw, no mercy. He wailed like nuthin’ I’ve ever heard. The whole time, until I finished. (Breaking down.) I can’t get it out of my head. (Fighting back emotion.) Then, I planted his face down onto the bar and I said, "How does it feel bein' queer?" I pointed my gun. Phil points the Little Lady. BIG TEXAS PHIL (cont’d) "Goodnight." Then I blew his brains out in cold blood. I killed every man in that bar the exact same way, even killed the piano player.
98.
The piano player begins to play. BIG TEXAS PHIL (cont’d) Then I rode Casper right outta Nacogdoches, right outta Texas, and I never once looked back. Phil slowly moves back to the West Hollywood bar as the music plays. He returns to the invisible patron. BIG TEXAS PHIL (cont’d) So, that's my story friend. It ain’t a nice one, but it’s mine. I'm sure you can see why I don't like to tell it. The Bartender returns without the mustache. BIG TEXAS PHIL (cont’d) Can I get one more, please, friend? The Bartender frowns, pours another shot. Phil downs it. BIG TEXAS PHIL (cont’d) (To the Patron.) So, wuddya say me'n you git together and have ourselves a night. We could go see a melodrama sometime this week. Maybe Thursday. A beat. BIG TEXAS PHIL (cont’d) Oh, you’re not...Oh. Well, I’m sorry, usually the fellas that come to this bar in particular are... (Listening.) Your just here with a friend. Well, that's real nice'a ya. Being comfortable and all. Supportin' your friend’s choices. I don't suppose he's available? The good ones never are. Sure. I understand. He watches the patron walk off. BIG TEXAS PHIL (cont’d) Nice talkin’ to you, amigo. Phil sits alone at the bar. The Bartender walks up to him.
99.
BARTENDER (Effeminate.) You told the story again didn't you. Yup.
BIG TEXAS PHIL
BARTENDER Phillip, it's a great story and all, but talkin' about your old relationships when trying to find a new one doesn't work, silly. It just makes you sad, anyway. BIG TEXAS PHIL I reckon I’m still not ready to get out and play the field...I just want somebody... Phil breaksdown mid-sentence, the Bartender comforts him. BARTENDER Oh, that’s okay, hun! At least you’re trying. It takes time. You’re a great guy. I just know you’re gonna find love again, and it’s going to be as wonderful as you could ever dreamed it could be. Don't you ever worry about it. Phil wipes his nose. BIG TEXAS PHIL Thanks. Thank you. The Bartender rubs Phil's shoulder. BARTENDER Now, smile for me! Phil smiles. BARTENDER (cont’d) There you go, cutie pie! That's what the boys want to see. BIG TEXAS PHIL Antoine, you are a true blue friend, and one hell of a barkeep.
100.
BARTENDER Thank you, Phillip. BIG TEXAS PHIL (Choking up.) I'm really glad I came to West Hollywood. BARTENDER Well, we're really glad to have you. "Rhinestone Cowboy" begins to play. BARTENDER (cont’d) Uh oh, somebody played your song! You better get your ass on that dance floor right now, big boy, and I better not see that frown come back! Big Texas Phil smiles. He gets up and starts to dance alone for a second, but is then bombarded by a giant mob of effeminate cowboys each dressed in flashy, colorful outfits, cocktails in hand. Everyone cheers and laughs, dancing together, a great party. Big Texas Phil walks off stage and comes back on with the severed head of the Leader. He screams and slams it down in the it in the middle of the dance floor. Everyone cheers, raising their glasses. The dancing continues. Black.
101.
THE PUMPKIN AND PENGUIN DIALOGUES
102.
The First Dialogue. Antarctica. A PUMPKIN is on stage alone. A PENGUIN waddles on stage. He notices the Pumpkin as he passes. The Pumpkin smiles at him. The Penguin continues his trek across the stage and exits. The Pumpkin is very content. The Penguin walks back on-stage, moving towards the Pumpkin. He stops. He looks at the Pumpkin. PENGUIN What the fuck are you doing here? PUMPKIN I'm a penguin. PENGUIN No, you're not. Says you.
PUMPKIN
PENGUIN Oh yeah, if you're a penguin, where's your beak. Here.
PUMPKIN
Pause. PENGUIN That means nothing. You didn't point anywhere. You don't have any arms. You can't just say "here" without the mandatory implied gesture directed towards the area of your body where your fucking beak is. It doesn't WORK and you know why it doesn't work- CAUSE YOU'RE A GODDAMN PUMPKIN! PUMPKIN Please don't yell at me. PENGUIN (Yelling.) How the hell did you get here?! PUMPKIN I grew here.
103.
PENGUIN No, you didn't! PUMPKIN International trade. Liar!
PENGUIN
PUMPKIN Have you ever seen Gilligan's island? The Penguin takes a deep breath to settle down. PENGUIN Alright, pumpkin. I've had a bad day. My girlfriend got eaten by a leopard seal. One of the emperors crapped in my nest. Bastard. And now, I'm standing here with what should be an inanimate fruit that doesn't grow anywhere around this area, around this continent more specifically, and having a conversation with him about why I'm standing here with a fruit that doesn't grow anywhere around this area. Continent. Pumpkin. He twitches in a penguin like manner. Penguin (CONT’D) (cont’d) I'm freaking out. Penguin starts to leave. PUMPKIN I'm a Cucurbita. Penguin is baffled and outraged by the situation. He doesn't respond. PUMPKIN (cont’d) I'm in the Cucurbita family with squash and cucumbers. I'm not really a fruit, per say. PENGUIN Okay. Pumpkin, you win. I'll leave. This is too weird for my taste, anyway.
104.
PUMPKIN You wanna hear a story? PENGUIN I can not believe this. PUMPKIN One day, on a trip back from the cabin, my friend Eric and his dad ran across a delivery van stranded at the side of the road. The van driver, he worked for the Saskatoon Zoo and he pleaded with Eric and his dad to do him a big favor. He offered them one hundred dollars to help him deliver a truckload of penguins to the zoo, because they needed to be there within the hour. Agreeing, Eric and his dad loaded two dozen penguins into the van and off they drove towards the zoo. An hour later, the delivery driver got his van fixed and headed off to catch up with his delivery. As he was driving down the road, he saw Eric walking down the street with the penguins. He stopped and got out of the car. In an irate voice he asked, "Hey, Eric. I thought I gave you one hundred dollars so you could take the penguins to the zoo for me?" "Calm down," Eric said. "I took the penguins to the zoo, but we had change left over, so now I'm taking them to the movies!" The Pumpkin grins. Silence. PUMPKIN (cont’d) It's a joke. About penguins. Judy Carter says in her stand up comedy book that's it's important to know your audience. Oh, and I also told it as though Eric was a friend of mine. That makes it funnier because it's more personal. PENGUIN You're a fucking pumpkin. The Penguin completes his trek across the stage.
105.
Black.
106.
The Second Dialogue. The Pumpkin is alone, smiling. The Penguin enters as he did before. Hi!
PUMPKIN
The Penguin notices The Pumpkin. He continues his trek across the stage. WAIT!
PUMPKIN (cont’d)
The Penguin turns around. PUMPKIN (cont’d) Please don't go. It's cold. I'm lonely. PENGUIN Well, Pumpkin, I hate to be the one to tell ya, but that is life here. That is Antarctica in a nutshell. It's cold and it's lonely. PUMPKIN Actually, this is Antarctica in a nutshell. "Help. I'm Antarctica and I'm in a nutshell. Get me out of this crazy nutshell that I'm in." The Penguin does not laugh. PUMPKIN (cont’d) I laughed really hard when I heard that one. PENGUIN The joke doesn't work for many reasons, Pumpkin. A, it's a shitty joke. B, when telling that particular joke, it is essential that you some how mime being trapped in a nutshell, which requires limbs. And C, Pumpkins don't do comedy because they're not fucking funny. The Pumpkin drops his jaw...I guess.
107.
PUMPKIN Why are you being so mean to me? PENGUIN I'm not being mean, I'm just... PUMPKIN You really hurt my feelings. PENGUIN You don't have feelings! PUMPKIN Well, I have something and you hurt that something. A lot. PENGUIN What are you still doing here?! PUMPKIN What are you still doing here? PENGUIN Hey, Pal! This is my natural habitat. PUMPKIN This is my natural habitat. PENGUIN Pumpkin, if you fucking repeat what I say one more time... (Pause.) You know, what? This is stupid. There are one million square kilometers of nothing on this continent. I can waste my time somewhere else. Goodbye. PUMPKIN I'm afraid of dying. That's why I'm here. I don't wanna die. I don't wanna turn green. The kids were gonna step on me or throw me into the mailbox. PENGUIN Oh, fuck me. Pumpkin, what is it that could possibly make you believe you're safer here?!
108.
PUMPKIN Well, that's it. This is a miraculous place. It's practically empty compared to back home. There's no one here to carve me a new face, and it's so cold that I'm gonna be preserved and I'll live forever without becoming moldy. The Penguin thinks for a second. PENGUIN That's not going to work. PUMPKIN IT WILL TOO! THEY TOLD ME! PENGUIN Who? The other Pumpkins? Yes.
PUMPKIN
PENGUIN Did you tell them the same bad jokes you tell me? PUMPKIN They're not bad jokes! The Pumpkin gets riled up. PUMPKIN (cont’d) They wouldn't lie to me. They couldn't have!! Do you know how hard it was for me to get here?! I don’t believe you. PENGUIN You don't believe me? Well, what's that on your right side then? What?
PUMPKIN
PENGUIN Looking a little green there, aren't ya? How's that for your stupid little theory? The Pumpkin looks at his side. It's turning green. He starts crying. It's a very sad cry.
109.
Whoa.
PENGUIN (CONT’D) (cont’d)
Awkward pause. Penguin (cont’d) Please stop. PUMPKIN (sniffling.) What am I supposed to do now? I left all my friends and my family. I'm gonna die alone. That's even worse than being a pie. PENGUIN Everyone dies alone, Pumpkin. The Pumpkin crying harder. PENGUIN (cont’d) Wow. Look, you can't spend all your time on this planet worrying about dying. That's retarded. PUMPKIN Oh, that's easy for you to say. You're life expectancy is fifteen years! Mine is eight weeks...if I'm stored properly. Do you think Antarctica counts as proper storage? PENGUIN I don't think so, Pumpkin. Pumpkin starts crying again. PENGUIN (cont’d) Hey, you seem young. good shape. You can't be that old yet. PUMPKIN I'm on week seven. Oh.
PENGUIN
The crying carries on for several awkward seconds. The penguin starts to leave.
110.
PENGUIN (cont’d) Welp, I guess I'll be... Hey. Uh, yeah?
PUMPKIN PENGUIN
PUMPKIN Will you hold me? No. Please.
PENGUIN PUMPKIN
PENGUIN Absolutely not. Please.
PUMPKIN
The Penguin looks around. PENGUIN This is fuckin' ridiculous. He holds the Pumpkin who seems to be comforted. Thank you.
PUMPKIN
The Penguin starts to leave.. PUMPKIN (cont’d) Hey, whaddya call a group of blondes trapped in a freezer? Give up? Frosted flakes! The Pumpkin laughs. PENGUIN What's a blonde? PUMPKIN (Laughing.) I don't know! Infuriated, the Penguin completes his trek across the stage.
111.
Black.
112.
The Third Dialogue. The Pumpkin is much greener than before as the rot continues to eat away at him. The Penguin enters as he did before. He tries to sneak by. The Pumpkin sees him. Hi!
PUMPKIN (cont’d)
The Penguin turns around. PENGUIN How's it going, man? Fine.
PUMPKIN
He starts coughing. PUMPKIN (cont’d) What's wrong? Nothing.
PENGUIN
PUMPKIN Yeah, right. You know, not many people know this about Pumpkins, but we're great at determining the feelings of others. We have a sort of sixth sense. The Penguin starts to say something mean, but withholds. PENGUIN It's not important. PUMPKIN Sure it is! PENGUIN I'm not going to talk to you about it, alright! BACK OFF! PUMPKIN Whoops. Didn't mean to ruffle your feathers there. PENGUIN That's not funny at all.
113.
PUMPKIN What, I was just saying...OH! HEY! I get it! The Pumpkin laughs for a bit. PUMPKIN (cont’d) Cause I said ruffle your feathers, and you're a penguin, so feathers is funny cause you were mad, so I ruffled your feathers that way, but also, because you're a penguin with feathers! That's really good. I didn't even tell that one on purpose! The Pumpkin laughs which leads to coughing. PENGUIN You're not sounding too good, man... PUMPKIN Yeah, the mold is breaking down my immune system, I think. Pause. PUMPKIN (cont’d) Don't worry about me. I'm still in good shape. I don't even have holes yet! The Pumpkin half-laughs, but is obviously terrified. PUMPKIN (cont’d) You can tell me what's wrong if you want to. You always listen to me. Maybe I can help. Just consider me your personal potato. All ears. PENGUIN No, thanks. PUMPKIN Did someone crap in your nest again? PENGUIN Yes. But that's not it.
114.
PUMPKIN Are you sad because you miss your girlfriend? Sure.
PENGUIN
PUMPKIN Why don't you find a new girlfriend? Aren't there lots of Penguins? A PENGUIN LEADER followed by a PENGUIN MOB walk by following the same route as our Penguin. They stop and stare at the Pumpkin and Penguin. PENGUIN What are you lookin’ at? PENGUIN LEADER (To the others.) That guy is such an asshole. The mob of penguins exit behind the Penguin leader. PENGUIN Fuck them. (Yelling) I'm better off alone! PUMPKIN You're not alone. PENGUIN I'm definitely alone. The way I like it. I'm here.
PUMPKIN
PENGUIN What's that supposed to mean? PUMPKIN You can't be completely alone because I'm here. PENGUIN Alright. Just shut up. I don't need you make me feel better about anything. In fact, the only bringing me down right now is you. (MORE)
115. PENGUIN (cont'd) You and your shitty jokes, and all your shit eating grins. Fuck you. I wish you would just hurry up and rot. Then I'll be alone. Silence. The Penguin looks away. PUMPKIN Death isn't that scary after a while. It's almost kinda fun in a way. Like exciting cause I don't know what's gonna happen. PENGUIN (Defeated.) Yeah, I guess so. PUMPKIN I'm sorry you don't have any friends. Whatever.
PENGUIN
Penguin starts leaving. PUMPKIN No one wants to be alone. Yeah.
PENGUIN
He completes his trek across the stage. Black.
116.
The Fourth Dialogue. The Pumpkin has almost completely rotted. The Penguin walks on stage as he did before. PUMPKIN Is that you, Penguin? PENGUIN Of course, it's me. PUMPKIN Sorry. I can't really see anymore. Hi! Hi.
PENGUIN
PUMPKIN I gotta joke I think you'll like. PENGUIN I don't know how much more of your stand up act I can handle to be honest. PUMPKIN This one will be funny. I promise. Okay. Okay. There were two midgets who had a bet. In order to solve it, they went to a catholic church where they met an old Nun. One of the midgets asked, "Are there any nuns here that are my size?" The Nun smiled and said, "No, there are no nuns here that are your size." The midget frowned and asked, "Well, are there any nuns in any of the surrounding churches that are my size?" The Nun smiles again and says, "No, there are no nuns in any of the surrounding churches that are your size." Suddenly the other midget starts laughing and says, "What did I tell you? You fucked a penguin!" The Pumpkin waits anxiously for laughter. The Penguin is in shock. He thinks for a moment and starts laughing. YEA!
PUMPKIN (cont’d)
117.
PENGUIN That is funny. PUMPKIN Just like Judy Carter said! Know your audience! You're a penguin and you like to say bad words!! PENGUIN Yeah, I guess I do. Penguin laughs some more. PUMPKIN That's the first time anyone has ever laughed! I've told SO MANY JOKES AND NOT ONCE... The Pumpkin goes into a long, uncontrollable coughing fit that leaves him wheezing and drained. The wheezing goes on for several seconds. PENGUIN Nice joke, Pumpkin. He completes his trek across the stage. Black.
118.
The Final Dialogue. The lights come up. The Pumpkin is asleep, wheezing very loudly. The Penguin enters as he did before. This time he waddles straight up to the Pumpkin. Hi.
PENGUIN (cont’d)
The Pumpkin barely opens his eyes. PUMPKIN (Unable to breathe.) Penguin. Hi...nice to... He is too short of breath to finish. The Penguin looks away. PENGUIN Look, I just wanted to tell you that I'm sorry for being mean to you so much these past few weeks. You didn't deserve it, and I would really appreciate it if you could find it in your heart, seeds, uh. Well, I'd appreciate your forgiveness, I guess. Yeah. The Penguin can hardly make himself glance at the Pumpkin, obviously very affected by the Pumpkin's state. He sits next to him. PENGUIN (cont’d) I didn't used to be like this. Maybe if you'd known me before I wouldn't seem like such a...you can only take so much of others treating you like shit, you know? After awhile you can't help but become barren and cold. I look at you; and I wonder how a guy like. I mean, you've been shit on by everyone and everything, and even at your worst you still manage to... (Searching.) You know how to be happy. I envy that about you, Pumpkin. I really do. I just thought you should know that. You're a good guy, or Curcubita, or whatever. The Pumpkin doesn't respond.
119.
PENGUIN (cont’d) Hey, Pumpkin? You awake buddy. He pats the Pumpkin on the back. The Pumpkin collapses. He is dead. The Penguin stands, backs away from the Pumpkin still maintaining focus. He looks around at all the nothingness, alone again. He slowly turns and completes his trek across the stage. Black.