Anger in Children

Happy Children, Healthy Children

Anger in Children Children need not be victim to their anger Instill awareness and calm, let’s work with them together

Rainbow Homes Program Association for Rural and Urban Needy

Children do not care how much you know…

Until they know how much you care…

List of Contents Page i) Let’s understand Anger a) Expressions of Anger.................................................. 1 b) What is anger, where does it come from?............. 3 •

Past Abuse, Neglect & Anger................................... 3

•

Natural response to threat........................................ 4

•

Capacity to express is still developing................... 5

•

Heavy & continuous change...................................... 6

•

Violence is everywhere.............................................. 6

•

Special Needs.............................................................. 7

ii) Preventing Anger Outbursts •

Communicate regularly.............................................. 8

•

Address potential stressful situations....................... 9

•

Apply behavior modification techniques................ 9

•

Find Behaviors to appreciate.................................10

•

Physical exercise, Yoga & Meditation...................10

Page iii) Responding to Anger •

If two or more children get into a physical fight.12

•

Attend to the feelings...............................................13

iv) Self-regulation 1) How serious is my “Anger situation”.......................15 2) Discussion on the effects of Anger.........................17 3) Consequences of Anger...........................................18 4) What’s behind my anger?.......................................19 5) Some of the things/situations

that make me angry.................................................20 6) Becoming aware of my

“anger warning signs.”.............................................21 7) Anger Meter...............................................................22 8) Deepening my understanding about anger.........23 9)

Importance of Forgiveness.....................................23

10) What can I do when I feel anger

raising in me?.............................................................27 11) Responsible behavior, even when I am Angry.....28 v) When to get professional help?.......................... 30

In this booklet we have used the pronouns “his” and “her” for the child. This is just for the ease of explanation. All the concepts here are meant for and applicable to both boys and girls.

(I) Let’s understand Anger a. Expressions of Anger: Anger is a natural and universal human emotion and all children experience anger. Each child experiences and expresses anger differently.

Verbal Expression Yelling

Non Verbal Expression Facial expressions and unfriendly body gestures.

Arguing Threatening Name calling

Ridiculing

Dismissiveness, hostility and contempt such as pointing, clenched fist, punching/slapping others, sticking out tongue, prolonged angry stares and snarls etc.

Getting irritated etc.

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Passive expression

Aggressive Physical Expression

Ignoring, not maintaining eye contact, puffed up noses.

Assaults can take the form of shoving, punching and slapping, use of objects that can cause physical harm (like blade, stone etc.) and even weapons. It includes breaking windows, throwing or breaking things.

Not moving from the same spot, crying,

Locking oneself up in a room Aggression can also be directed towards oneself and show in behaviors such as cutting wrists, banging head against something, slamming hand against something, putting hand into fire, swallowing harmful things etc.

Defiance Non -cooperation, repeatedly avoiding or procrastinating promised tasks, doing them poorly, repeated lateness etc.

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b. What is Anger, where does it come from?

Situations and emotions can be addressed best when one understands the “what and why’ aspects of it.. There are several dimensions of anger in children we need to understand. Some of these are-

Past Abuse, Neglect & Anger: Abuse and anger have a strong connection. Many children in our homes are victims of violence, sexual abuse and neglect. They have been in traumatic situations that has violated their personal boundaries. Not just the sexual and physical abuse, constant scrutiny, monitoring, excessive control and manipulation that make up for emotional abuse also often forces children to develop anger as a ‘survival’ response.

Those children who have undergone abuse have imbibed from their experiences that use of anger and violence in relationships are justified and tend to inflict that on others too, often as solutions for arguments and conflicts.

Abuse perpetuates ideas of domination and submission. A typical response to prolonged submission created by abuse is a desire to gain dominance.

Expressing anger produces a feeling of “Power”, the power that was denied/ violated. It produces a feeling of “taking back” or “being in control”.

Violated children may carry a deep sense of betrayal and abandonment because they have been dishonored and neglected in too many ways by adults.

With poorly developed stress management skills, encountering challenges that come every day can overwhelm them and push the limits of their abilities to cope. Frustration, impatience, irritability, anxiety can trigger anger outbursts and even aggression. This provokes others like the other children and sneh-sathis into becoming hostile towards the child. Their hostile behavior in turn feeds into and reinforces the beliefs about others.

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Natural response to threat:

DANGER Physical Danger (Threat)

Physical discomfort , Hunger, Pain, Loss of physical space etc. (real or perceived)

Emotional Danger (Threat) Humiliation, embarrassment, discrimination, sadness, jealousy etc. (real or perceived)

When humans (as children too) sense threat, the body’s natural, automatic, built-in survival system designed to protect us gets activated. In response, one of the three states come into play: Fight, Flight or Freeze.

Example It is evening and children are playing in the playground. Suddenly a large dog runs in barking and growling. Each child will respond in one of the three ways to tackle the situation:

1-

FIGHT

2- FLIGHT

3-

FREEZE

1. Some of the children will find something to throw at or hit the dog, or may yell to appear threatening - FIGHT 2. Some will run away - FLIGHT 3. And some might feel like their feet are encased in cement and that they are unable to move - FREEZE

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This shows that when some children perceive or are actually in a situation of danger, then they use anger as a weapon to get out of that situation to save themselves.

Capacity to express is still developing Like adults, children are creatures of passion. Emotions are constantly arising within them, influencing their moods and actions, and passing away. To a child’s brain that is still developing, these emotions are very powerful but the ability to express them in socially acceptable ways are limited. Therefore children often end up expressing their threatening emotions (Displeasure, hunger, heat, physical discomfort etc) by crying or becoming angry.

As children’s brains develop, the capacity to manage their anger constructively increases gradually.

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Heavy & continuous change

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Imagine an entire day full of hurdles. That’s what it’s like for a child who is struggling developmentally. Children in the homes are continuously coping with change (new place, people, structures, rules etc.) They are also struggling to cope with the traumas from their past, many children are negotiating adolescence of which confusion, mood changes, irritability etc. are a natural part.

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Violence is everywhere.

Aggression and violence are everywhere, children have experienced it on the streets, and also see it on television, in movies, cartoons, songs, toys, video games etc. All this adversely affects and influences their thought process.

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Special Needs There are several children with special needs who have certain vulnerabilities inbuilt into their conditions. For eg. children with ADHD are frustrated easily, especially in certain situations, such as when they’re supposed to do homework or go to bed.

Similarly an anxious child may keep his worries a secret, and in his helplessness lash out when the demands at school or at home put pressure on him that he can’t handle. Many children with undiagnosed learning disability (e.g. Dyslexia) act out repeatedly in school or during homework time, it could be because the work is very hard for them.

Some children have trouble processing the information they are taking in through their senses. Things like too much noise, crowds, even “scratchy” clothes can make them anxious, uncomfortable, or overwhelmed, sometimes even aggressive, to actions that leave us confused. Children with Autism are often prone to major meltdowns when they are frustrated or faced with unexpected change. They also often have sensory issues that make them anxious and agitated.

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(ii) Preventing Anger Outbursts How we respond to anger in our lives will influence how children respond to anger. Don’t judge children for their anger, help them understand their emotions & deal with it before it gets transformed into anger. Help them to understand that their anger is the problem, not them.

Communicate regularly Emotions are stirred up many times in a day and extreme emotions that cause pain or grief etc feel too overwhelming for any child.

When repressed fears, jealousies, anxieties become tremendous, they, overpower the child and this is bound to pop out unmodulated.

Communicating regularly and encouraging the children to do the same will avoid build up of emotional steam. Use a range of communication modes such as individual sessions and group sessions, for eg. during Balsabhas etc. Prepare a concrete plan to ensure that communicating with children becomes a part of the regular routine of the home.

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Address potential stressful situations: The ability to express what they are going through is different in different children. As adults, we need to watch out for stress causing/ anger triggering reasons for each child. Some will be able to identify and express, some won’t/can’t. Be observant, and listen. Knowing these triggers can help us to, if possible, address situations at the earliest. Plan with the children in advance how he or she can handle a challenging situation.

Apply Behaviour Modification Techniques There are several standardized, behavior modification methods that are effective for helping children to overcome unhealthy behavior patterns. Consistent use of techniques such as “reward chart” and “negotiation method” etc. is useful in helping children manage their emotions that result in anger.

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Find behaviors to appreciate The impact of a few unacceptable behaviors overpower the many good behaviors of a child and we hurriedly categorize them as being “difficult� which can be harmful for the self esteem of a child who is already struggling. Identifying & acknowledging and praising appropriate behaviors is very useful.

Physical exercise ,Yoga & Meditation Physical health and mental health are intricately linked. Ensure that the children eat well, have time for play and get adequate and good quality rest. Physical exercise is known to release excess energy and allows the discharge of hormones needed for a happy mental state. Ensure that all children have enough opportunities for outdoor exercises in the form of activities like cycling, jogging, team games etc. The practice of meditation, deep breathing, certain yogasanas like stretching, relaxing and backward bends etc. helps to soothe the body, mind and spirit and are particularly effective in reducing stress and managing anger in the long run.

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(iii) Responding to Anger If despite efforts to manage the emotions of children, they have meltdown moments, what is the best way to handle them?

It is important that as adults managing the situation, we stay calm when things get turbulent. Yelling at the angry child only reinforces and increases what she’s already feeling, which is that she is in danger. So our anger will only make the storm worse. Our job is to restore calm. Our calm presence, helps the child feel safe and soothe themselves. They learn from our selfregulation that anger and other upsetting feelings can be managed.

When child/ren are acting out their anger in any way, do not be indifferent or avoid or ignore the situation.

Don’t hit or physically hurt the child/ren.

Don’t escalate the situation by provoking or challenging the child/ren.

Don’t get into a shouting mode with the child, or quote previous instances of anger outbursts, or start a volley of negative traits of the child. Avoid confronting at this moment.

Remain respectful and polite all through. Avoid use of negative words (this is daily affair, she is trying to be a bully, she’s going crazy, get her treated)

If appropriate, gently offer a glass of water.

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If appropriate, a hug or any other way of showing affection (especially with younger children and children of same sex as care giver) is good.

To pacify the child at that moment, do not give in to any inappropriate demands he/she makes that cannot be fulfilled.

After the situation and behavior has been controlled, it’s over, don’t keep repeating and reminding the child about the situation.

If two or more children get into a physical fight….

Hear both the children without being judgmental. If the reason for anger is not clear, don’t hypothesize, ask the child. If she does not share ask other adults and children surrounding the child/ren, the possible trigger for the behavior.

Do not favor one child over the other and give judgement then & there about who is right and who is wrong.

While handling a situation, don’t corner or crowd around the child/ren.

Only the concerned Sneh sathis should attend to the situation.

Remove the other children, who are likely to be attacked/targeted, from the location of the anger or fight.

If the situation is not controlled, use gentle physical restraint. If possible gently move one of the two children to another location.

Ensure that harmful objects such as knife, stone, scissors, piece of glass, blade, phenyl, medicines are away from children’s reach.

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Attend to the feelings: Acknowledging the threatening feelings under the anger is very important. Instead of judging them or pushing them to repress the emotions, when we accept and empathize with the child’s emotions, they learn that emotions aren’t dangerous and are not shameful, but universal and manageable.

her grief over the broken treasure, her hurt that Snehsathi was unfair, her shame when she didn’t know the answer in class, her fear /humiliation when her classmate teased/threatened her

For example when the child is feeling intense emotions and share it with the concerned adults, it helps them to navigate this world of emotion, so that they don’t get swamped by its intensity.

“The children need our love most when they “deserve it least.” Instead of a “Time out,” the child needs a “ Time In” during which we stay with the child and help her move through her feelings. This will help the child to make management of anger something “you do together” with the child.

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“You are crying so hard. I see how upset you are.

(Recognize & legitimize the feeling)

“It’s ok, everyone needs to cry (or gets mad, or feels very sad) sometimes”.

(Give explicit permission)

“I will stay right here while you show me your sads and mads”. If you can touch the child, do so to maintain the connection.

(Here’s my hand on your back.

You’re safe. I’m here.)

If child yells & asks you to leave “You want me to go away. I will step back a bit. I will be right here when you are ready for a hug”.

(I won’t leave you alone with these big feelings)

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(iv) Self regulation Children themselves have a big role to play in understanding and managing their own emotions. With help from adults, children can develop skills for recognizing and changing anger producing thought patterns. This section contains suggestions for activities that can be conducted with children, for making them aware of anger and identify their patterns and replace them with healthier ways. Some of them will help in preventing anger outbursts whereas others will help the child to manage such situations better.

These activities can be used with the children individually or as a group activity as appropriate. There is no fixed sequence of these activities and therefore can be used depending on the readiness and the pace at which the children can benefit from it.

(1) How serious is my “Anger situation�?

Use this or a similar worksheet for the child/ren to self evaluate the seriousness of her anger. Let the child read each line and put a tick on the ones that apply to her/him. On completion, examine, under which column the child has given herself the maximum ticks. This can broadly indicate the stage or intensity of the anger and help to invite the child to work on it and improve it.

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Healthy

Mild

Serious

Extreme

I am calm and happy most of the time

I am not as happy as I want to be

I am irritated most of the time

I am always worried about something or the other

I do become frustrated sometime, but it does not last very long

I feel irritated and frustrated often

I have a lot of battles going on in my mind

I have a negative view of other people

I get angry sometimes, but take effective action

I keep my feelings to myself

I feel like a victim of actions of others

My anger goes out of my control

I lash out on others often

I end up hurting those I love

I express my emotions in an open and healthy manner.

I avoid conflict and have issues with anxiety and depression

My anger is stealing my joy

This is not a standardized testing tool.

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My behavior becomes dangerous to myself or to others.

(2) Discussion on the effects of Anger Some questions I ask myself‌‌

1

During or after a fight, do I feel good or do I feel bad?

2

After the fight, what is the person with whom the fight happened and people who were watching/ around likely to -feel good or feel bad?

3

By losing my temper and fighting, did the situation improve or worsen?

4

How could I have handled the situation differently?

5

As a person who gets angry and cannot manage it, will I attract more friends or fewer friends?

6

As a person who gets angry and cannot manage it, will my family members and Snehsathis be happy or sad for me?

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(3) Consequences of Anger Help the child/ren to recognize if & how anger is hampering their day to day lives in the four domains – Physical consequences. (Headache, High BP, Heart attack, insomnia etc.)

Emotional consequences. (Guilt, Sadness, lack of self-confidence etc.)

Cognitive consequences. (Poor concentration, poor decision making, impulsiveness etc.)

Social consequences. (Fewer friends, poor relationship with family members, poor relations with colleagues and others at workplace) Children can discuss about the immediate/long term consequences of anger on Myself/Others on these four domains.

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(4) What’s behind my Anger?

A group discussion on understanding the why, what and how of anger is important. It can be followed up with an exercise wherein the children draw up representation model/chart of it.

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(5) Some of the things/situations that make me Angry : In an individual or a group setting, let the children draw up a personal list of situations that are likely to generate anger in them.

This will help them to recognize when anger is just setting in, providing the mind space for alternatives.

When do I get Angry:Physical causes

Social causes

Emotional & Cognitive causes

Hunger

Dishonesty

Feeling scared

Being touched

Gossip/rumors

Bad news

Pain

Inappropriate behavior Examinations and results

Exhaustion

Not being included

Pressure and loneliness

Loud noise

Interference

Sense of being abandoned

Losing at a game

Partiality

Lack of attention

Being given suggestions again and again

Some misunderstanding Feeling insulted Things not going as planned Confusion Waiting for something Not understanding something

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(6) Becoming aware of my Anger “warning signs."

Recognize physical signs of anger. When you start to feel angry, your body responds with physical signs. Knowing how your body feels when you get angry and stressed will help you figure out when you are about to explode. Some warning signs might include:

My jaws are clenched and my muscles tense.

My head or stomach hurts.

My body or my hands shake.

My heart starts racing.

I get sweaty, even on the palms of my hands.

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I get dizzy

My face flushes

(7) Anger Meter How angry am I? Stop (this is you)

6

Exploding

5

Boiling

4

Anger going out of control

3

Feeling stressed and frustrated

2

Feeling great

1

Feeling fantastic

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(8) Deepening my understanding about Anger Angry thoughts and feelings cloud my judgment and lead me to behave impulsively and/or aggressively. Following are some ideas that can be discussed with childrenDifferent people think/talk/act in many different ways.

Its not always deliberate, people don’t always intend to hurt me, its not always about “me”.

Ask yourself if this will matter in ten years. You may see things from a calmer perspective.

Acknowledge that it is frustrating, and it’s understandable that you would be upset about it. At the same time it is not the end of the world and getting angry is not going to fix anything.

Think about whether you have ever done the same thing to someone else, even if by accident.

I am strong and nothing that people say inappropriately can make me feel insulted, rejected, sad etc.

People do make mistakes. Learn to forgive.

(9) Importance of Forgiveness I forgive you

Sorry

Teaching children to forgive is an essential life tool that will make navigating many situations easier. Let children know that to forgive is not to condone the other person’s wrong behaviors. Help them to understand that forgiving is not simply forgetting, to forgive is to say,” I did not like or appreciate your words or actions, but I am willing to let it go because it does not help me to hold onto these feelings.” There are some guidelines and activities here by the help of which children can be taught about the importance of forgiveness.

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Activity: ‘Broken Heart’ Instructions for children: When we practice forgiveness, we allow our heart to be healed from whatever hurts us. We also heal the hearts of people who may have hurt us unintentionally. We will make a heart, “break” it, and then put it back together again to see how forgiveness helps us heal.

Children sit in two’s or as a bigger group.

They cut out large hearts from a cardboard and draw pictures or adorn it in the way they like.

Next, have them cut this dummy of a heart into ten or twelve randomly shaped pieces. They now have a broken heart.

Explain/discuss how forgiveness helps us heal using a real life example.

Post discussion, ask them to put the broken heart back together to make it a complete heart and say together that “I have forgiven you”.

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Activity: “Hot Potato” Instructions for children: When we get angry or frustrated, our body begins to feel hot! We can call them “hot feelings” because our face can get red, might feel a burning feeling in the stomach, or might even feel like a volcano full of hot lava! When we touch something hot, do we want to hold onto it? No! We want to let it go as quickly as we can….

This potato/ball is a ball of “hot feelings.” Pass it around the circle while the music plays, letting it go as quickly as you can.

When the music stops, whoever is holding the “hot feeling” ball has to keep holding it until the rest of the group says, “We’re sorry.”

The person holding the ball puts it down and says, “That’s okay.”- I forgive you.

Then that person goes out of the play, and the game continues until only one player is left.

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“Sorry Letter” Before asking a child to let go, forgive, or excuse a behavior, it is important for her to identify the (hurt) feelings she is experiencing. Get the child to verbalize those feelings-“Pinky, I am angry that you take my things without asking. Please ask me before taking my things next time. I forgive you.”

Writing a letter is helpful exercise, particularly for teens.

Encourage the child to write stating what caused the upset and how he or she feels about it. Then have the child write a compassion statement or one of forgiveness to the offender and to him- or herself. End the exercise by having him or her rip the letter up into the garbage, signifying the release of forgiveness.

Asking children to say a quick “sorry” or forcing an apology when everyone’s tempers are up is unlikely to bring about forgiveness, so choose the right time to bring children together to sort out what has happened.

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10. What can I do when I feel Anger raising in me?

There are also some actions that children can do that will calm them down, when they first start to feel they are losing control and getting angry. Here are some ideas that will help children to calm down: Leave the spot Breath deeply Have a glass of water Go to a quiet spot Sing to myself Think happy thoughts.

Talk to a friend Tell myself to be calm Draw or dance Play with the pet Count to 10, slowly Ease out my body Smile anyways We can make an attractive poster with these tips for children.

Or We can also convert it into a catchy song. eg :

Song If I am angry & I know it - leave the spot If I am angry & I know it - leave the spot If I am angry & I know it and I surely want to drop it If I am angry & I know it- leave the spot‌.

If I am angry & I know it – breathe deeply (replace each new para with one option at a time)

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11. Responsible behavior, even when I am Angry Having clear and firm boundaries help children to know what is healthy and what is not. They can be facilitated to come up with a set of home rules around anger that will apply to children in general.

Ways to operationalizing it should also be discussed and decided (e.g. This will be overseen by the “discipline committee”, or “three sisters” etc.) and be reviewed by the children on an agreed frequency. A sample of a set of home rules is given below.

I will make sure that under all circumstances, I will be:Careful not to hurt myself or others in anyway.

Careful not to use any abusive language.

Careful not to bad mouth about the person I feel angry with.

Careful to not carry my anger when I meet the person next time.

Careful to recognize if I was unreasonable and apologize appropriately.

I will take help from my friends and Didi and Bhaiyas to understand how I can prevent or manage my anger better.

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“I have learnt through bitter experience the one supreme lesson to conserve my anger, and as heat conserved is transmuted into energy, even so our anger controlled can be transmuted into a power which can move the world.”

- Mahatma Gandhi

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(v) When to get professional help?

These are some common ways to address anger. If despite efforts the child’s expression of anger does not show change and frequently turns into aggression toward people or destruction of property, seek support from a therapist or counselor.

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Care is the backbone of our relationship with children and is central to their emotional well-being. This booklet is a part of a series that will inform us about how we can extend the best care to the children so that they can heal their traumas, attain stability & rediscover themselves, evolve and flourish.

Let us discover the joy of working with children‌

Association for Rural and Urban Needy Rainbow Foundation India H. No. 1-1-711/C/1, Opposite Vishnu Residency, Gandhi Nagar, Hyderabad - 80 Ph: 040 65144656 Website: rainbowhome.in