Jasminka Petrovi}
BONTON
Jasminka Petrovi}
BON TON
Illustrated by Dobrosav Bob @ivkovi}
TABLE OF CONTENTS WHAT IS ETIQUETTE?
AT HOME VISITS
My Home is My Castle . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 7 Order and Disorder . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 11 Being a Good Neighbour . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 12 Welcoming guests . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Visiting . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Gifts . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . All Our Best for Our Guest . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Let Me Introduce You to . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Children on Visits . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Young People and Parties . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
15 18 20 24 25 26 29
AT THE TABLE
Bon Appetit! . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 33 Eating Out . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 39 How to Eat Properly . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 44
OUTDOORS
Pedestrians . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 49 The Car . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 52 Public Transport . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 54
ABOUT TOWN
At the Cinema . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 57 At the Theatre . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 59 Concerts . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 61
EVERY-DAY LIFE
Shopping . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Queues . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . In the Lift . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . At Work . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . In School . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . In the Library . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
63 65 66 67 68 70
COMMUNICATION
People with People . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Halo,da li me ~ujete? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Mobilni bonton . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . People and Animals . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . People and Plants . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
73 81 82 84 85
OTHER MATTERS
Smokers . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 87
THE END
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WHAT IS ETIQUETTE? "Why do I need this book when I am already a decent,civilised and well-mannered person?" – you might well ask yourself. If for you good manners are just a set of rules of etiquette, then your question is appropriate. But if you regard proper behaviour as a philosophy of life, then read on! The objective of this book is to help you to create a field of genuine trust and mutual understanding and respect. Our aim is to help you to be unobtrusively well-mannered in every possible situation in life, not to annoy people by being grotesquely socially correct. The essence of etiquette is perhaps best explained by comparing it with urban traffic. In order to move through our busy city streets,drivers and pedestrians need to obey traffic signs and directions. Those who ignore them endanger not only other people, but also their own safety. Similarly, good manners in everyday life help us to integrate ourselves into society and to exist and move within it without unneeded strife, rifts and aggravation. Good manners are therefore much more than following etiquette and being refined. Good manners reflect our inner being, protect our personal dignity, develop a sense of respect for others, exhibit generosity, etc. By developing good manners, we uncover the meaning of life itself. But some questions do need to be answered: Is there a difference between town etiquette and country etiquette? What rules of etiquette exist in other societies? Which factors affect etiquette? What does etiquette preserve and what does it protect? Why are civil people popular? Am I a well-liked person? Do people flee for their lives when I open my mouth? Is it possible to be refined among uncouth people? Why does etiquette exist at all? What is etiquette?
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The word ETIQUETTE comes from the French and refers to forms of civilised manners.
Unearthed in China,The Book of Rituals was written on wooden tiles during the Han Dynasty about 2,000 years ago. It includes the following instructions:
The French also call decorum BON TON, which the dictionary defines as „good or elegant,fashionably correct,form or style “.
„If someone in your company babbles incessantly,do not show that you are bored, but instead signal your contempt. Next time you run into him,use any excuse to leave. „When you are dining,eat so that not even a blind man next to you knows that you are eating.If your wish is to eat nosily,go and live in the mountains away from everyone else.“
An old English book calls decorum „defence from the harassment of uncouth and vulgar brutes “. In America,etiquette is everything a wellmannered person needs to know about so cial behaviour.
Perhaps it was 19th century German philosopher Arthur Schopenhauer who spoke about good manners in the most appropriate and poetic manner: „When it is cold, the porcupine seeks the company of other porcupines so they can press together and keep warm. That would be an easy thing except for their long and sharp quills. When they nudge up against one another,they prick each other. It’s not pleasant, but neither is it pleasant to be cold. So they take great pains to find the right distance from each other so they’re warm yet also free of punctures. That distance is called good manners: I don’t hurt you and you don’t hurt me, yet I help you and you help me and the benefit is mutual.“
For the Spanish,the term means adapting one’s own nature to the circumstances and suppressing one’s ingrained urges in good time – simply put, „knowing when to put on the brake!“ Way back in 1528, Italian count Baldassare Castiglione described the perfect Renaissance gentleman in his work Il Cortegiano (The Courtier). But the origin of codes of conduct are much older.
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AT HOME
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MY HOME IS MY CASTLE As we have already said, besides dealing with slurping soup, etiquette covers many other matters. For example, the front door. The entrance to your home is a mirror of the family. Witness: A large and shiny nameplate definitely rules out a modest and humble tenant.
A broken bell push and missing light-bulb above the door signal an extremely devil-maycare owner.
Nervous people have security locks,and prosperous people armour-plated security doors.
Plant lovers reveal themselves by flowerpots and animal fans by scratches all over their door.
People who have lost all belief in humankind anchor their doormat with a heavy chain; generous tenants, on the other hand, often leave their shoes outside their own door (and sometimes their neighbours‌).
A shiny doorknob speaks of an industrious housewife, a yellowed door-frame of heavy smokers.
Seeing an old fridge on one side of the door and a broken washing-machine on the other denotes a man loath to part from his hard-earned possessions. 7
COARSE FAMILY I propose that we afford a little more attention to this front door.Close inspection of the dusty plate tells us that we are standing outside the flat of the Coarse family. From the cracks around the frame we see that Father Coarse is probably a powerful and short-tempered man. For him, closing the door usually means slammingthe door. In contract to her husband, Mother Coarse has problems opening the door. Her hands are usually either greasy or full, so she either shouts or kicks out. This means that the top half of her door is yellow, and the bottom half dented. The messages scrawled on the plaster surrounding the door indicate that the Coarses have a daughter named Susan and a son named Tony, as well as the fact that their relations are rather strained. The height of the graffiti shows that they are secondary school pupils, and the spelling that their marks are not particularly good.
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SUAVE FAMILY
Who lives behind thisdoor? The brightly-shining plate requires dark glasses to read: the Suave family. The NO SMOKING sign he has posted shows that Mr. Suave is a vocal opponent of cigarettes. If you don’t want to see his anger, please avoid the filthy custom in his home. Mrs. Suave loves guests who bring along their own slippers. Others may use the two door-mats – one wrapped in a wet tee-shirt and the other in a dry one. The third she brings out in case of rain or snow. The Suaves has a son named George. In contrast to Tony and Susan, George never scribbles around his own door. He scribbles around the neighbours’ door....
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Besides the doorknob, door-frame, sill, door-mat and name-plate, the front door contains another important element -the peephole. Every time the bell rings, you should look through the peephole before opening the door. This goes for all the family members, especially the youngest ones. The peephole should not be used for gathering information about the neighbours and their guests. It should also not be used every five minutes -especially if we’re in somebody else’s home. By the way, the same goes for observation through window curtains. It’s none of your business how often neighbours go shopping, what they bought ,and how much they spent. And where they got the money for all those goods...
Everyone has a right to his or her own privacy and a closed door.If you feel an urge to look into someone’s private life, put a stop on it at once. You may not enter even your closest friend’s home without first calling, without knocking, without ringing the bell and Mother Coarse: without invitation. The same goes for those who "My neighbour, Mrs.Suave, seek without invitation to stick their own noses into doesn’t even open a closet without knocking first!" your living room, your dinner plates, your habits and your secrets .Feel free to ask such people: "Would you like to meet our guest? Would you like to see what we’re having for dinner? How can I help you?... "You do not need to have much consideration for such busybodies, but should not be too repellent, either. Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill. 10
ORDER AND DISORDER What a home looks like depends on many things: the owners’ tastes, desires, needs, inclinations and habits, but also on their means. A single look at the walls, pictures, furniture, decorations, books, upholstery and curtains will usually be enough to gain a general impression of the people who live there.
(Father Coarse is watching TV) Father Coarse: Should I take the vase off the TV? Mother Coarse: Yes, but put on this bigger one instead. It looks better!
NOTE:
If you skip over this section, you will probably continue wading through dirty socks and magazines on your floor. All right, if they don’t bother you, they’ll bother me even less. But you should at least tidy up your desk, make your bed, dust and vacuum the room, take out the garbage, hang the laundry to dry, iron your shirts, walk the dog, change the cat litter, wash the bathtub, repair the faucet, beat the carpets, wash the windows, paint that shelf, whitewash the house, sew some new pillowcases, rearrange the shoes, make a cake, brew some tea and then sit down and continue reading this book. 11
(In the Coarses’ home) Mother Coarse: In a neat and tidy home you can find anything you need! Mrs. Suave: Even a sock in the soup!
BEING A GOOD NEIGHBOUR How do you satisfy your own needs and rights while not jeopardising those of others? With difficulty. How do you respect the rights and needs of other people without jeopardising your own? With even more difficulty. Flats are sometimes too close to one another and the walls between them too thin. The drone of a vacuum-cleaner, noisy conversations, loud music, heated quarrels, raucous laughter, cooking odours – let alone mass family gatherings – can sometimes make life quite miserable for neighbours. But if all people are amiable and tolerant, you can find an acceptable solution for every problem. For example:
(Father Coarse is roasting a pig on the balcony. Half of the building is in flames and smoke.) Father Coarse (to a firefighter): It’s my son’s birthday after all!!
R YOU L SE UNTI RS O L S C OW BOU H D NG WINR NEIG OWNI N R I U B YO ISH IONS FIN HE ON PAN T THE
DO NOT ENDANGER THE SAFETY OF YOUR NEIGHBOURS
KEEP THE COMMON SPACES CLEAN
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OUR TE Y INVI HBOURS NEIG YOUR TO ITIES IV FEST
Simply put,show your neighbours that you have noticed that they exist. Always greet them, hold the lift door open for them, help them carry their groceries, ask them for their health, present a smiling face. Attend meetings of the tenants’ association. Take part in communal actions. Make a small step for yourself – a giant leap for your neighbourhood. But why are you frowning? OK, you don’t have to love everybody – in fact I know that you find some really tiresome. But it is not possible to choose our neighbours: they are neither your relations nor your friends. The best thing is keeping a safe distance – being neither too open nor too hostile – the famous golden mean. That is the only way to make life easier for all of you.
HEADPHONES ARE AN EXCELLENT SOLUTION FOR THOSE WHO LOVE THEIR MUSIC REALLY LOUD.
RESPECT OTHER PEOPLE'S SORROW
KEEP IT QUI AT TIMES W ET H MOST PEOPLEN E REST AND TAKE NAPS
TELL Y IN AD OUR NEIGHB ARE PLVANCE THAT OURS OR MA ANNING A YOU P JOR FA MILY EARTY VENT
DO NOT BARGE INTO YOUR NEIGHBOURS' HOMES WHEN THEY HAVE GUESTS, BUT IF YOU DO SO BY ACCIDENT, THINK UP A PLAUSIBLE AND POLITE EXCUSE TO LEAVE.
RESPECT OTHER PEOPLE'S HAPPINESS.
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VISITS
14
WELCOMING GUESTS
Father Coarse: "Hi, who’s there!… What are you doing?… What do you mean you’re sleeping, when you’re talking to me!… What difference does it make that it’s half past five?… Look, we’re on our way, so lay the table quickly!… So what if you’ve already eaten?… So you’ll just eat again!… I wanted to surprise you, but my folks said I should call first – they said maybe you’re out so we don’t have to break our legs going up to the third floor… Have you got any beer??… You’ll need at least five bottles… Send the boy to the shop!… What do you mean he’s doing his homework? Whoever heard of studying on a Sunday?!… Hurry up and lay that table… we’ll be there in a jiffy!!"
Inviting guests to your home was once an extremely formal and strict affair. But as grand balls and formal dinners gradually declined, so did the rigid rules of invitation, dress and ceremony. Such strict rules now exist only in diplomacy and foreign affairs.In all other occasions, things have become much more simple and relaxed. One reason for the changes in etiquette is the ever quicker pace of our daily lives. All it takes to have coffee and cakes with a friend is a simple telephone call.If such a meeting were to be preceded by printing and dispatching an official invitation, waiting for a reply and donning a formal dress, by the time you met the coffee would be stone-cold and the cakes bone-dry.
"all the food shouldn’t go to waste", it is highly probable that the invitee will notjust fail to show up on that occasion, but never be seen again.
But where do you draw the line between easing etiquette and making a mockery of it? How do we differentiate between relaxing rules and just being rude? Do we rate unwanted visitors on a Sunday afternoon as close friends or uncivilised enemies?I don’t know what you think, but if you ask me, inviting yourself to someone’s dining table is not just rude, but insane.
Never begin your invitation by asking whether the person or persons involved are free on Friday evening,because a positive reply means that they will have to accept the subsequent invitation and a negative one that they will have to decline. Asking for an immediate response is also not recommended – it is a good idea to leave them some time to consider, reconsider or think up excuses.
You may invite relatives and close friends to a get-together, tea or coffee, or even an informal meal, by phone or even when you just run into them. A day or two in advance is enough. But a dinner requires an invitation to be sent at least a week in advance. When a more formal occasion is involved, this time limit should be extended to at least ten days. Inviting someone on the same day can be seen as an affront – even the most naïve person will be able to work out for himself that someone invited earlier has cancelled and an urgent replacement is needed. When the invitation is attended by the following words:
A resolute invitation:"You’ll be here at seventeen hundred hours tomorrow, right?" elicits an even more resolute response: "Yes Sir!" Those resisting such an invitation will gain either a black eye or their freedom.So QUICK MARCH for the brave and HALT for the meek. Printed invitations should be sent for weddings, christenings, wedding anniversaries and jubilees and various other celebrations when you expect a large number of guests, including socially respected persons. 15
right rude. To prevent this from happening, if you decide not to attend a party, dinner or other event to which you have been invited, or are unavoidably detained, call your hosts at once and cancel, saying you’re sorry you can’t come. Your frankness depends on the level of your intimacy with the hosts: a little white lie can’t really hurt, but a big one could.
The information which has to be provided should be: the reason for the invitation, the planned time and date of the event, the address and contact phone number. Dress may also be specified, for example formal attire,or costume for a fancy-dress ball. Those who want to show their knowledge of etiquette may also place in the bottom right-or left-hand-side corner the French abbreviation RSVP – Respondez, S’il Vous Plait – which means "The Favour of a Reply is Requested".
If hosts are forced to call off an event, they must inform all their guests as soon as possible, always with an apology. But where such cancellations become a habit, the hosts will be deemed: a) frivolous, or b) irresponsible, or c) written off for good.
Those who fail within a reasonable period of time to courteously thank the sender and confirm that they will either be present or absent may be deemed: a) impolite, b) absent-minded, or c) illiterate.
Guests arriving at inopportune moments should never stay for too long. The polite thing to do is to say good-bye without insult – the fact that the hosts did not try and persuade such guests to stay does not mean that they do not respect them or hold them dear, it just means that they do not have enough food, chairs around the table or time. The obvious conclusion is: the only home to be entered without invitation should be your own.
Certainly the worst possible combination is when a guest accepts an invitation extended by a host and then simply fails to turn up. That is not just impolite – it is down-
(Father Coarse and about a dozen relatives stand outside as Mr.Suave opens his door) Father Coarse: "Let me introduce you to my sister, brother-in-law and their daughter, my father-in-law and mother-in-law, my wife’s uncle and his wife. The neighbours couldn’t come, but they sent their children and their grandparents. This is Tony’s class teacher and her husband. We left the rest of the class outside – your flat is pretty small and they would probably make a mess. Let me just go and get my father and mother, my uncle and the nephews. Put the kettle on, Suave – I’ll be back in a jiffy!"
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NOT RECOMMENDED:
RECOMMENDED:
If food is to be served,the invitees should be informed in advance, so they know whether to bring along an empty stomach or a full one. If a birthday is involved, this fact should not be concealed from the guests, for fear that those who did not know in advance are placed in an unpleasant situation, having arrived without a gift. Let your guests know in advance the purpose of the gathering, who will attend and the approximate duration.
Persons NOT to be invited to the same event: couples involved in divorce proceedings, fierce political and other rivals (see the movie The War of the Roses). Also avoid inviting more people than you have chairs (or standing room). Doing so will create the impression that you are holding your party in a rush-hour bus, which is no great compliment for a house party. Should you have more guests than room, the best thing to do is to rent an appropriate restaurant or other space. NOTES FOR WOULD-BE HOSTS:
When preparing a formal event, make sure the following are done in good time: buy all the necessary food and drink, clean the house thoroughly, prepare everything that will be served, iron the tablecloth, lay the table, position ashtrays and vases as needed, take a bath and dress for the occasion*. You do not need a cloak-room attendant, but you do need some space for the guests’ coats.
* Dressing for the occasion means no aprons, slippers, bath robes or housecoats. Also when opening the door for the guests, avoid holding in your hand rolling pins, ladles or other household implements.
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VISITING NOTE:
Before getting ready to visit someone, better read this chapter. Let us begin with a minitest.
(Preparing to go out) Mother Coarse: How should I dress? Father Coarse: Fast!
MINI TEST When you begin preparing to visit someone,do you:
A.
Open your closet and scream: "I have nothing to wear!"
B. Close your closet and scream: "I have nothing to wear!"
C. Keeping opening and closing your closet, while screaming: "I have nothing to wear!"
C. it’s time to buy both. If your answer was A. it’s time to get some new clothes. If your answer was: B. it’s time to buy a new closet. If your answer was ANSWER: 18
It would be fair to say that the clothing worn throughout history ranged from the sublime to the outrageous. Long and short, light and dark, thick and thin, this and that. But one thing has changed: the rules that were once quite strict have been very much relaxed. This does not, however, mean that a measure of good taste should not be retained. Excess in anything can also appear garish, or even downright ridiculous. So before you begin dressing for going out, try and remember your age, weight and profession, the weather forecast, the time of day etc. The occasion itself is also important – you will certainly not dress the same for an impromptu visit as you would for your friend’s wedding. Tastes are of course not to be discussed, but hygiene should be, as it is an integral part of good manners. However informal a visit, the guest must be neat, with a clean body and hair. I think I don’t even need to mention muddy shoes. Visiting someone when you have a bad cold shows utter contempt both for your own health and for others. Especially if you’re visiting a home with children, pregnant women and elderly persons. Even worse (in fact supreme impropriety) would be visiting while you have a stomach ailment. Guests who are dieting, fasting, allergic to certain foods or vegetarians should inform their hosts about this in advance. Failing this, the hosts will feel uncomfortable and the guests will remain very hungry. The best time for visiting is between 5 and 7 in the afternoon on workdays and around 15:00 on Sundays, except when we are invited to a meal. Unannounced visits in the company of a gang of revellers, especially in the very early hours, betokens a lack of cultivation, but also of sanity.
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THE END
Dear Readers, Whether others will respect you or avoid you will depend on yourself and your behaviour. That is why it is important to retain composure in all situations. One more thing! Good manners should not only be applied towards those who are not in our inner circle. Quite the contrary – the best of our kindness and love should be reserved for the latter. This last paragraph on the last page marks the conclusion of our company. If you liked the book, please read it again or lend it to a friend. If you didn’t like it or think you could do it better, then I suggest you sit down and write your own views about etiquette. There can never be too many books about good manners!In any case, may good fortune always follow you (and catch up with you now and then!).
Jasminka Petrovi}
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