This book will provide useful information on simple and successful disciplining techniques, which will help you, teach your small and not so small children, adequate manners of behavior in an unaggressive, yet efficient manner.
DISCIPLINE without Spanking
Disciplining is not punishing, but rather teaching a child which forms of behavior are acceptable and which are unacceptable, as well as the fact that it must suffer the consequence for its behavior. Disciplining is an important part of what we do in order for our children to one day become mature, responsible and moral persons.
Nevena Lovrinčević
Every one of us would like to have a warm and tender relationship with our child, full of mutual love and respect. Still, if our child throws a temper tantrum, hits other children, doesn’t come home when agreed situations every parent is occasionally faced with – does this mean that we should tolerate such behavior and wait for it to pass by itself? No by all means! Ignoring such situations during a longer time period can result in poorer adaptation of the child in the kindergarten or school environment, as well as numerous other problems and behavior disorders, and it is very important that the parent addresses them in an adequate manner.
E N I L P I C S I
a Nevenčević Lovrin
D
without
Spanking
Nevena Lovrincevic
DISCIPLINE WITHOUT SPANKING Illustrated by
Neda Dokic
This book is dedicated to my children, nieces and nephews: Luka, Mihailo, Milica, Marko, Natalija and Dimitrije
TABLE OF CONTENTS
INTRODUCTION.......................................................................................................... 5 IS DICIPLINING NECESSARY................................................................................ 7 GOOD „OLD“ METHODS......................................................................................11 SPANKING............................................................................................................12 MAKING FUN OF OR HUMILIATING THE CHILD..................14 DISTANCING AND SICILENCE...............................................................16 WHY TALK IS NOT EFFECTIVE..........................................................................18 PRECONDITIONS FOR GOOD DICIPLINING..........................................22 GOOD ATTACHMENT WITH PARENT............................................22 PARENTS’ BEHAVIOUR................................................................................30 LONG-TERM DISCIPLINING TECHNIQUES............................................40 PERSONAL EXAMPLE...................................................................................40 PRAISES ..................................................................................................................43 SHORT-TERM DISCIPLINING TECHNIQUES..........................................48 SELECTIVE IGNORING.................................................................................50 1, 2, 3!...........................................................................................................................53 DIVERTING OF ATTENTION ...................................................................56 TIME –OUT.........................................................................................................58 BOARD WITH STICKERS.............................................................................63 REWARDING ......................................................................................................68 DENIAL OF THE PRIVILEGUES ................................................................71 AGREEMENT.......................................................................................................75 HOW DO YOU FELL?..............................................................................................80 CONCLUSION.............................................................................................................84
INTRODUCTION
Disciplining is not at all a pleasant part of parenthood. Wouldn’t it be wonderful if our, let’s say two or two and a half year old kids, knew by themselves that it was not good for them to eat chocolate, if they had just five minutes ago eaten ice-cream? Or at least to immediately understand, why it is not good, the moment we explain it to them. It would be wonderful! But children don’t behave in such a manner. This is what they actually do: first they ask us to buy them chocolate, and when we say no, they beg, whine, whimper, cry, refuse to go with us and remain glued to the ground in front of the rack with chocolates, so we have to drag them through the store and in more difficult cases they are even prone to through themselves on the ground and yell at the top of their lungs. Of course, at such moments we wish the ground would open and we could save ourselves from the stares of people in the store („She must be an awful mother since her child misbehaves in such a manner! “). On the other hand, since disciplining is so tedious, it would be much easier for us if we could perform it at a time we are best prepared, i.e. when we are rested, in a good mood and when we have the time for it. But, this is 5
also, unfortunately, completely impossible! Because we most frequently must discipline our children under completely different conditions: in a crowded supermarket, in the park, before they go to bed, when we are also tired and nervous, when driving in a car. It would be best if we could simply skip the task of disciplining! But, can we? Well, we can hardly do that.
IS DICIPLINING NECESSARY
Regardless of how tedious and unpleasant disciplining may be, it is of crucial importance for the proper development of our children. Disciplining is a very important part of what we do in order for our children to, one day, become mature, responsible and moral persons. And this is a goal most parents strive to achieve. However, first of all, it is important to clarify what disciplining IS and what it IS NOT. So, disciplining IS NOT: 1. Punishment. Punishment and punishing indicates the existence of quilt and ill intention of the person who is to be punished. If the child wants you to buy it a toy car and you tell the child that you will not buy it (right away), the child doesn’t whine because it is insolent or bad, nor because it has an intention to harass you. The child simply wants the toy car and seeks to find the most effective manner to get it. 2. Unnecessary frustration of the child. One of the most important tasks which you, as a parent, have to perform, is to in a certain manner, frustrate your child by setting limits of what is allowed and acceptable and what is not. You cannot allow the child to act in whichever manner it wishes. 7
3. Excessive effort. To tell the truth disciplining is tedious. But this does not present ample reason to abandon disciplining. The good news is that in time, as the child grows, the need for disciplining decreases, because it is much easier for a child, who has well mastered the first lessons, to adopt new ones.
4. Proving who is boss. You are a parent and hence have a responsibility to financially provide and care for your family, but you also have a responsibility to set boundaries of what is, in your opinion, allowed and what is not. This is simply the fact and you do not have to prove it to anyone.
5. Blowing off steam. It is fully understandable that you sometimes need to yell at someone in order to blow off steam. But, don’t shout at your child because you can’t shout at your boss or your partner. You will just confuse and hurt the child, and you will not solve the problem which you have with your boss or partner.
6. Labeling as “good“and “bad“. Children behave in an unacceptable manner due to different reasons (they want something, they are tired, they do not know how to react in a given situation in a better way), but never because they are not good, that is to say, they are bad. And what IS disciplining? 8
Disciplining IS teaching the child which forms of behavior are acceptable, and which are not, as well as for which behavior it must suffer consequences. In order for the child to be able to behave as a social being, it must gradually overcome the sole focus on itself and satisfying its own needs, according to the principle here and now, and start respecting others as well as social rules that apply in the society the child is living in. Not only will it in such a manner acquire social skills but it will also be developing its personality. If we omit to discipline our child, we will to a significant extent impair its adaptation to any kind of social environment (kindergarten, school, and its peers). Our child will have no benefit from blaming others (neglect of kindergarten teachers,
irresponsible professors, insolence of other children) just harm, because it will be expecting that everyone else has to change, except the child itself. And this will of course not happen. Bad adaption to different social environments not rarely leads to ill adapted behavior, which over time can lead to behavior disorder (difficulty in controlling of impulses, developing of different types of personality disorders such as passive – dependent, emotionally unstable, psychopathic, sociopathic), as well as addiction disorders (drug addiction and alcoholism). This does not sound good at all. But, unfortunately, the scenario might be exactly such. For the above stated disorders it is characteristic that they do not appear suddenly but on the contrary: are formed gradually over a period of many years. If we omit to react on time to alarm signals, we impair the healing process of a damage already done. The longer a disorder is formed, the harder it will be to later repair it. Not to mention the fact how easily it could have been totally avoided. Fortunately, parents in their hands have successful tools to fight for emotional stability and good adaptation of their children: unconditional love and disciplining.
10
GOOD “OLD” METHODS
Really, why change old methods? Our parents raised us in a time when “Spare the rod spoil the child” was propagated, when showing of emotions was not really desirable and when you stood in the corner for hours. And what’s wrong with us? Well maybe there isn’t too much wrong with us and maybe we didn’t turn out so bad, but do you sometimes ask yourself could we have turned out even BETTER (each one of us more self-confident and more satisfied!) had we not received slaps and stood in corners or knelt on corn? Do you feed your four month old baby with bean soup or do you swaddle it by firmly compressing its legs. I really doubt it, although this was exactly how your mothers and grandmothers had done. Since, we have over years with the help of science, based on studies and experience, developed some better solutions concerning the physical health of our children, there is no reason to close our eyes to acquired knowledge which will improve their emotional and social development, which is of equal importance. So let us look back at the “good“old methods and see why they are in fact not so good. 11
SPANKING Until recently spanking was a fairly popular mean of punishment and considered to be an effective method for rearing a child. Fortunately times are changing and slowly (maybe too slowly!) we are coming to understand that the rod has nothing to do with heaven, to which it is (allegedly) associated. Good sides: Relatively efficient method. Truth be told, short- term and functioning only while you are present, which should in time be intensified in order to be effective. Bad sides: The child that is spanked is taught that physical means of settling accounts is acceptable, so it frequently adopts one of two possible models of behavior. The first model is that the child acts as an aggressor who beats everybody around whenever it estimates that it is the right thing to do, i.e. when it is stronger, so it beats children in the kindergarten and school and later his partner, kids, you and everyone that gets in its way. Of course, there is a big chance that such a child will have serious problems in adapting to his environment 12
(school, work, family and not rarely problems with the law. The second model of behavior is taking on the role of a victim - the child while growing up, accepts as normal the fact that other children and later on colleagues, “friends“, boss, partner beat and (or) humiliate it. Conclusion: Aggressive and insufficiently effective method. If truth be told a quite primitive method, because it points to poorly developed communication and social skills of the person using it. Of course there is a great difference in whether a child has been punished by standing in the corner for a few times and spanked or if it has received severe beatings, or been beaten regularly. The amount of received spanking is directly proportional to the amount of inflicted damage: more spanking equals larger and more difficult damage to repair of emotional development, with a greater chance of appearance of emotional problems and disorders. Still, bear in mind that every physical punishment, although not equal in consequences, carries the same message: spanking of weaker is OK. And such a message is not OK!
MAKING FUN OF OR HUMILIATING THE CHILD When we tell the child :”Oh, you are so ugly when you cry. Everyone will laugh at you!”or: ”Such a big girl and pees in her panties like a baby. Oh, how you awful smell”, we of course do not say this with a deliberate intention of humiliating the child. But this is exactly what we are doing. Good sides: Can be effective, i.e. the child stops with the undesired behavior. 13