Dragana Mladenović
SVE ŠTO (NI)SAM
ŽELELA Ilustracija
Dušan Pavlić
Dragana Mladenović SVE ŠTO (NI)SAM ŽELELA © Kreativni centar, 2020 Prvo izdanje Dizajn i ilustracije Dušan Pavlić Urednica Ljiljana Marinković Lektura Nevena Živić Priprema za štampu Vesna Pijanović Izdavač Kreativni centar, Beograd, Gradištanska 8 tel.: 011 / 38 20 464, 38 20 483, 24 40 659 www.kreativnicentar.rs e-mail: info@kreativnicentar.rs Za izdavača Mr Ljiljana Marinković, direktorka Štampa Publikum Godina štampe 2020 Tiraž 2.000 ISBN 978-86-529-0823-3
For my
Kati
I had a dream I got everything I wanted But when I wake up, I see You with me Billie Eilish
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April 4th “Be careful what you wish for, it might just come true” - those were the words I recalled this morning as I opened my eyes. While I was washing my face, I tried to sum up the situation at hand. And since I realized I don’t understand anything, I’ve decided to sit down and write it all out. I’m using my English notebook, because I have nothing else to write in. Let’s start from the beginning.
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Number 1)
I’m 12 years old. At the moment I’m living in a semi-broken down house, which used to belong to my grandma, and - check this out - I live here with Maksim (aka Max); a seventh-grader half the school is crazy about. Actually, let’s try this again. My name is Nina Kovač and I’ve been living together with Max for three days! Right now, I would give anything to tell my BFF Vera all about this, but she is, like most of the people I love, somewhere else. Or nowhere. I feel like crying. Number 2)
It really came true. While I was blowing out my birthday candles shaped like the numbers 1 and 2, I made a wish that: a) Max would finally notice me, b) we would actually meet each other, and c) we would get close. However, as wishes usually do, this one only came true in part. So: 12
a) Yes, he noticed me - after he stumbled over my backpack (which I put down next to me, as I was frantically trying to unlock grandma’s house) and fell over, hitting the ground with his entire body. I mean, who wouldn’t notice me under those circumstances? b) Yes, we met. “Hi, I’m Max.” “Nice to meet you, I’m Nina.” Very exciting c) No, there is no chance of us ever getting close. Number 3)
The last time I talked to mom was on April 1st, that hor r ible T hu rsday when everything stopped. She told me they were fine and I shouldn’t worry about them, and instead I should focus on finding shelter and staying safe. “You have the keys to your grandma’s house…” – she said, before the entire internet and all of the mobile networks collapsed. 13
It’s hard for me to write about how worried I am about mom, dad and Iskra. I miss them so much.
Number 4)
I’m super hungry. We ate all of the bread and yoghurt Max brought f rom t he ba ker y on Thursday. We have a little bit of money left, so today we have to figure out where and how to get some food.
* This isn’t how I thought it would be. To be honest, I imagined that Max would just ask me out one day: we would meet up in the park, then we would walk down to the pier, watch the sunset by the bridge; then I would get cold, he would give me his black NIKE hoodie with the 14
white letters, and whisper something like - it feels nice being with you. This Max guy is not romantic at all. He’s constantly freaking out about the fact that we have no reception and no internet, and then he tries to solve that by climbing on the shed, and then the cherry tree, and then even higher - on the old pear tree. Since his arm is injured, after he’s done acting out, he whines about being in pain and goes back to thinking that it might actually be broken. He’s so annoying. On the other hand, I feel so embarrassed eating in front of him, going to the bathroom, drooling on the pillow while I sleep, crying for my mom, getting hysterical about my folks not showing up yet… And don’t get me started on all of my other not-so-romantic outbursts. I think he’s not that comfortable spending so much time with a sixth-grader, either. If only it was one of the popular girls, and not me. I’m sure everyone will tease him when we go back to school. But, what can I do? It’s not my fault he stumbled over my backpack. 15
* As I was saying, this morning we went hunting for food. The “XL” Supermarket windows were all broken and there were a bunch of people inside. Everyone was acting like out-of-control zombies, shoving stuff into their bags and trying to get out of there as quickly as possible. I’ve never seen anything so creepy. And now I was forced to join them. I probably wouldn’t
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even have taken anything if Max hadn’t yelled: - Get everything we need, don’t be silly, we’ll starve to death! Amid all that ruckus, I managed to pick up a bunch of dairy products, pasta, shower gels, flour, chocolate, toothpaste, and even a bottle of juice. Max filled his backpack with meat and charcuterie. When we got back, we took everything out on the table, stuffed ourselves, and then divided our supplies up so they would last as long as possible.
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April 5th Today for the first time it occurred to me that somebody might read these notes in the future. In that case, whoever you might be, you should know why I’ve been spending my days in my grandma’s house, and why, instead of being with my family, I’m in the company of the most popular guy in school. Here’s the deal. From the early morning of April 1st, something was off. Even though in my family we rarely turn the TV on before 5pm, mom and dad were glued to the news that morning. – They’re saying some kind of computer virus has infected people and is spreading rapidly right now. It sounds ridiculous to me - mom said shortly, as I was getting ready for school. 18
At school, it was also kind of weird. We didn’t do anything in class. In the heat of a panic attack, the German teacher sprayed all of us with disinfectant spray. The memory of the stupid corona virus was still fresh. During recess we went over the most horrifying scenarios, but none of them were as unexpected as what happened next. At the end of third period, they told us to assemble in the yard. The principal - pale as a sheet - was waiting for us. – Dear children, please don’t panic. Listen up - the VIR virus is spreading rapidly, therefore the state has decided to isolate certain parts of the city. I believe you’ve all heard that
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this is a computer virus that is spreading to people, but it’s happening much more quickly than anyone could’ve expected. There have already been casualties - everyone in the yard started buzzing. – Silence, please! - the principal continued. – Listen, some neighborhoods are under quarantine and no one is allowed in or out. I’m sorry to tell you that many of you won’t be able to return to your homes today. So that you don’t end up stranded in the streets, I ask everyone without a shelter to head to the “Jug Bogdan” army base in the suburbs. I can’t promise anything fancy, I’m not sure if there will be enough space for everyone, but this is the best that we can do right now. I ask for
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your understanding, we don’t have a lot of time left… Naturally, we all reached for our phones. That was the last time I talked to Mom. We left school on foot, students and teachers together. Police cars and ambulances were circling around us. Students from other schools joined us. There were more than a thousand of us. It’s hard to recount the moment exactly, but as we got closer to the city center, a stampede started to form. Some people decided to go home despite the warning, others were running in the opposite direction. Total mayhem. I ran toward grandma’s house. As I was unlocking the front door, I heard a bang. I turned around and saw Max laying flat on the sidewalk. – Are you okay? - I asked. – It hurts - he was holding on to his right arm - I hope I didn’t break it? 21
I saw a group of older guys and girls coming toward us quickly, I even recognized some eight graders from school. – Come on, hurry up! – I helped Max get up and finally managed to unlock the door. I let him go in, then tossed our backpacks into the hallway and locked the door. We could hear them passing the house and moving forward. I suppose they were looking for some abandoned place to stay at. If I’d let them in, I bet after two days they’d be throwing me out of my own house. I stood leaning against the wall, trying to collect myself. Okay, let’s go: one, two... three. I opened my eyes. It wasn’t a dream. It really was Max. – Where are we? – he asked, holding on to his injured arm. – Don’t worry – I felt so grown up and proudly said: - This is my house.
* My house is not really mine, it’s my dad’s. Before that it was grandma Lepa’s. It’s at number 7, 7th July street, so I call it ‘Boeing 777’ for 22
short. My parents call it ‘the estate’. For years now, they’ve been planning to turn it into a paradise with hanging flower pots, swings, a big lawn... One year when we couldn’t afford to go the seaside, we’d come to the yard every day, take away the trash and bring in flowers, so the yard is now the neatest part of grandma’s house. The house itself is not that impressive. The first room is a kind of storage, where for years now we’ve kept everything that took up too much space in the apartment: from old toys and appliances, to worn out furniture and clothes, and books that no longer fit on the shelves. The second room contains the stuff left over from grandma: a large bed, some wardrobes
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and chairs, which dad claims will be in perfect shape once he’s done some work on them. In the kitchen there is an old fashioned sink, some dishes, a dirty “iskra” brand electric cooker and an “obodin” fridge with a loose door (a note: mom and dad burst out laughing when I said it’s good they had a girl, because they probably would have named a boy Obodin). In the bathroom there is a toilet, sink, a small boiler and a shower space, with only a hose and no battery. Besides a wooden shed in the backyard, that is pretty much all there is.
* When I opened the door to the first room, we were hit by the smell of stale air. – Man, what a dump – Max said. I ignored his comment and took him through both rooms and the kitchen, all the way into the backyard. We sat down on a bench. I suggested we should take a look at his arm. He was able to move his hand and all of his fingers, so we agreed it probably wasn’t broken. 24
– Okay – said Max. – I’ll be off then. I got up to see him out: - Do you know where you’re going to go? – Not really, but if I get going, I might make it somewhere. – Alright. If you don’t find anywhere to go, you can come back here. I’ll wait for my parents to pick me up, and then we’ll probably move on. – Okay. But wait, we haven’t even met properly. I’m Max. – Nice to meet you, I’m Nina. – Okay then, I’ll see you around. – Bye! I locked the front door and then returned to the bench. I tried to hold back all the thoughts and emotions that were overcoming me. The virus, being on my own, Max, the school, Vera...
* Half an hour later, I heard someone knocking. Thinking it was mom, dad and Iskra coming, I hurried happily to the front door. 25
– Who is it? – I exclaimed, struck by the thought this could be some kind of maniac, a robber, or who knows what else. – It’s Max, Nina. – Max? – I peeked through the door. – It’s a total mess in the city. I can’t even get near my house. It seems I have nowhere to go after all. – Didn’t you say this was a dump? – The yard is not that bad – he muttered, trying to apologize, I guess.
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