Learn to get angry by Kreativni centar

*RRG 3$5(17

*RRG 3$5(17 d`epni roditelj

Gejl Rajklin Kerolajn Vinkler

pomo}! [ta ~initi kad dete u uzrastu od dve do pet godina ima napade besa, ujeda drugove, stalno vas prekida, govori ru`ne re~i, ne}e da koristi no{u . . . Gejl Rajklin i Kerolajn Vinkler

Nevena Lovrinčević

www.kreativnicentar.co.yu

Da li se va{e dete dobro snalazi me|u vr{wacima? Kako prolazi u dvori{tu? Da li se prilagodilo vrti}u? Negde od ~etvrte godine osvajawe dvori{ta i vrti}a postaje za dete ìvotni zadatak. Gotovo svi roditeqi sa strahom prate kako wihovo dete prolazi na tom zadatku i dele sa wim gor~ine neuspeha i radosti uspeha. Ova kwiga je namewena direktno roditeqima koji pripremaju decu za vrti}, ali bavi se tako {irokim dijapazonom pitawa vezanih za socijalni i emocionalni razvoj deteta da sasvim sigurno moè koristiti i roditeqima ~ija deca ve} idu u vrti} i u {kolu, i uop{te, svima koji razmi{qaju o svom roditeqstvu. Su{tinsko pitawe ove kwige je kako pomo}i detetu da stekne samopo{tovawe, sigurnost i samouverenost a da istovremeno bude kooperativno i privrèno svojim drugovima. Spremite se na to da ova kwiga postavqa visoke zahteve pred roditeqe, ali nudi i po{tenu pomo}, na primer, ideje kako se op{te postavke mogu preto~iti u konkretne re~enice koje bi roditeq mogao da izgovori. Tako|e, ona savetuje roditeqa kakav stav da zauzme u pojedinim svakodnevnim situacijama, kako da bude mudriji i kako da izbegne poneku roditeqsku i qudsku gre{ku. Ova kwiga je sna`no opredeqena da brani interese dece, ona zahteva razumevawe za wih, zahteva po{tovawe wihovih prava i punu odgovornost odraslih za sre}no detiwstvo. Ona postavqa visoke standarde roditeqstva i ne amnestira roditeqe ni po kom pitawu od interesa za decu. Ali te visoke standarde po{tuje i sama i zato je ona krajwe ozbiqan, sadràjan i koristan priru~nik za roditeqe koji vole svoju decu i koji su spremni da u~e zajedno sa wima i od wih.

НАУЧИТЕ да се

(Iz recenzije Dijane Plut)

Jovanka Jovi~i} je zavr{ila psihologiju i ge{talt psihoterapiju u Beogradu. Kao ~lan grupe MOST radi na {irewu ideje nenasilnog re{avawa konflikata. Godine 1992. osnovala je vrti} „De~ija otkrivalica", u kome sa svojim saradnicima primewuje razli~ite programe namewene deci pred{kolskog uzrasta.

ISBN 978-86-7781-130-3

9 788677 811303

www.kreativnicentar.rs

Xepni roditeq

Budite dobar roditeq svom detetu i sebi

Kako razgovarati s decom o razvodu

Невена

www.kreativnicentar.co.yu

Disciplina bez batina

Naučite dete da spava

Nevena Lovrinłeviþ

Клопке за родитеље

Nevena Lovrinłeviþ PARENTAL TRAPS

Ume}e roditeqstva

d`epni roditelj

Stotine brzih odgovora

Kad ne znate kako da re{ite probleme u vezi s pona{anjem svoje dece, D`epni roditelj je spasilac koji pritr~ava u pomo} s proverenim savetima, zdravim razumom i roditeljskom mudro{}u. Njegova filozofija disciplinovanja spaja bezuslovnu ljubav i ~vrste granice i predla`e postupke koji donose brzo olak{anje i dugotrajno razumevanje za probleme povezane s pona{anjem dece.

PARENTAL TRAPS H o w t o r e co g n i s e a n d a v o id

the mistakes parents make

www.kreativnicentar.rs

LEARN

to get

ANGRY

Nevena Lovrinčević

learn to get angry

Parent’s anger: how it affects child and how to manage it Illustrated by Ivica Stevanović

I dedicate this book to the parents, whom I support and admire, who, for the love of their children, are ready to question themselves, learn and change.

Contents: Introduction . ........................................................... 7 On emotions and anger ...................................... 9 How we express anger ....................................... 21 • the parents who spanks ......................... 22 • the parents who yells ............................. 25 • the "thank you very much" parent who critisizes in a clinical way .............. 27 How parents anger affects children .... 33 Why children act the way they do .......... • temperament .................................................... • age ........................................................................... • experience ......................................................... • situations .......................................................

36 36 43 46 48

Why parents act the way they do ............ • exprerience from the first family . • stress and feeling tired ....................... • trigger thoughts ........................................

52 52 57 65

How angry are you?.............................................. 68 Learn to get angry .............................................. • before you get angry ................................. • while you are angry .................................. • when anger is gone.....................................

75 76 78 80

Keeping the journal of anger...................... 82 Conclusion ............................................................... 89 About the author ................................................. 91

Introduction

Susan came home burdened by shopping bags. Her two children had been quarreling in the car on the way home, trying to make her interfere :”…mum, tell him… he keeps provoking me!” She went into the kitchen immediately. She was making lunch and laying the table at the same time. She had had a hard day at work. For a mysterious reason the boss wasn’t pleased with Susan’s new project and she asked her to correct it for the third time. Children went on with the argument in the living-room: “…it’s my turn for the game now… Muuum… Tell him!” After lunch, during which the children disliked the vegetables and kept complaining “Why do we have to eat this stupid beetroot every other day?” – she put the dishes away into the dishwasher. Finally, it was time for her to relax a little for the first time that day. She sat in the armchair comfortably, with a cup of coffee. The very next moment the ball flew past her head, hit the vase, which fell and broke into pieces. Susan went through the roof. She jumped from the armchair yelling at the top of her voice: “Can’t I have a moment of peace in this house?! Shame on you, you nasty brats!” What else she had said to them she couldn’t remember anymore. But it certainly wasn’t 7

anything nice. When the storm was over and the children went to their room in tears, Susan felt worse she had ever felt that day: “What’s wrong with me? How can I lose my temper and act like that? And say such terrible things to my children? What kind of person am I? What kind of mum am I?” Have you ever been so angry that you lose control and yell at your child and/ or smack it? And then feel bad about it and promise to yourself that it will never happen again? And then you do the same? Are you often angry? Or all the time perhaps? Have you ever felt that your child is afraid of you? And you aren’t one of those people who are almost never annoyed, but always patient with their children, no matter how difficult they are… however, you do suffer from headaches (high blood pressure, stomachache…)? Do you think the fact that you are angry with your child makes you a bad parent and your anger is a trauma for him/ her? If the answer is yes, then this is the right book for you!

On emotions and anger

When David’s three-year-old son fell from the boat into the river, David immediately jump after him. But of course, you thought. Still, what doesn’t make David’s reaction rational is the fact that he cannot swim. To our rational mind this is a completely different situation. And indeed, there is nothing logical about jumping into a deep and fast-flowing river to save someone if you can’t swim. However, to our emotional mind, what David did is quiet clear: the love for the child and the fear in the situation when its life is in danger suppressed everything else, including the most powerful of all instincts: the one of one’s own survival. “Husband kills wife, her lover and himself” is the headline that one sees in the newspapers often. The combination of more than one emotion – jealousy, anger and who knows what else defeats rational mind. Even though tragic incidents like this one are sometimes caused by psychological disorders, it is often the case that the ones responsible for them lived a normal life. One more proof of the fact that emotional mind is above rational mind. 9

Luckily, in our daily lives we rarely witness those extreme situations. The choices we constantly make (the choice of partner, job, attitude towards children, friends and parents, behaviour in everyday situations, etc.) are the result of the combination of our emotional and rational side. No matter how much we differ in the degree to which we are ready to let the emotional or rational side prevail, it is obvious that in many situations we are considerably lead by emotions, even when we are convinced that our choice is absolutely rational. Considering the primordial power of emotions, it is obvious that repressing and negating them won’t bring any good; in other words, the consequences are inevitable. Similarly, letting emotions fully dominate and disabling rational reasoning, or even using it as little as possible, is not a good idea. So, what is the best thing to do? Especially when a “difficult” emotion like anger is in question? What seems to be a reasonable solution is to get to know anger, learn how to manage it and to what extent. Finding the right way to express anger will help us cope with it. This will not only make us feel better, but it will also help us improve the relationships with the people we care about. This particularly refers to the ones we care about most – our children. In order to take up some anger management, we need to get to know it first. So, what do we know about anger? 10

НЕГАТИВНИ ПРЕДЗНАК. Лако је схватити зашто се љутња, а посебно бес као њен екстремнији облик, сврстава у тзв. негативне емоције. Љутња није пријатно осећање. Она чи ни да се лоше осећају и онај који је љут и љутњу испољава и онај коме је љутња упућена. Приче о томе како се боље осећамо ако бесу дамо одушка, сем под одређеним усло вима (непосредно исказана љутња према особи која ју је изазвала, уколико нам реакција враћа самоконтролу или је оправдана због нанесене неправде), углавном су неуте мељене. Врло често, управо у односу на децу, исказивање љутње није адекватно, те се по исказаној љутњи не осећа мо добро. О ономе коме је љутња била намењена (у нашем случају – детету) да и не говоримо. ПОДС ТИЦАЈ. Да би особа била љута, потребно је да по стоји осећај осујећености и угрожености. При томе не ми слимо само на физичку претњу. Ако се неко према нама понаша неправедно, грубо, ако нас увреди, понизи или нас осујећује, вероватно ће се јавити љутња и/или бес. Дете нам неће бити извор физичке претње, наравно. Међутим, с обзиром на саму чињеницу да је сасвим нормално то што су деца бучна, што праве неред, захтевају сталан ан гажман, ометају нам сан – лако је закључити зашто су она извор осећаја осујећености родитеља. Код нешто старије деце, која нас неће узнемиравати тиме што ће нас држати будним током ноћи, упорније изражена непослушност чи ниће да се родитељи осећају осујећено и љуто. Ако свом тринаестогодишњаку пети пут у току једног дана кажете да утиша музику (склони прљаве судове, избаци ђубре, не 11

*RRG 3$5(17

Gejl Rajklin i Kerolajn Vinkler

www.kreativnicentar.co.yu

ISBN 978-86-7781-130-3

9 788677 811303

www.kreativnicentar.rs

Xepni roditeq

Budite dobar roditeq svom detetu i sebi

Kako razgovarati s decom o razvodu

www.kreativnicentar.co.yu

Disciplina bez batina

Naučite dete da spava

Have you ever been so angry with your child that you lost control and started shouting and screaming. Have you ever felt bad afterwards and have you promised yourself never to do that again? But you have done it again. Do you have a feeling that you are being constantly angry? Do you have an impression that your child is afraid of you? Do you think that your anger traumatizes your child and that it makes you a bad parent? Or you are just the opposite: you never feel anger, you are always patient with your child no matter how difficult it is and everything seems fine except for the fact that you suffer from frequent headaches, high blood preassure, stomachaches…? If you find any of the above situations familiar then THIS IS A BOOK FOR YOU! Reading this book you will learn to recognize the patterns of your anger, what situations trigger that emotion in you and in what way you can control it. The point is not to restrain yourself from anger but to learn how to get angry in a controlled manner. This is yet another parental guide written by, Nevena Lovrincevic, a psychlogist and a mother of three, among her other successfull handbooks for parents such as: Teach Your Child how to Sleep, Parental Traps and Discipline without Beating.

Nevena Lovrinłeviþ

Клопке за родитеље

PARENTAL TRAPS H o w t o r e co g n i s e a n d a v o id

the mistakes parents make

www.kreativnicentar.rs

Nevena Lovrinčević

НАУЧИТЕ да се

pomo}! [ta ~initi kad dete u uzrastu od dve do pet godina ima napade besa, ujeda drugove, stalno vas prekida, govori ru`ne re~i, ne}e da koristi no{u . . .

Nevena Lovrinłeviþ PARENTAL TRAPS

Ume}e roditeqstva

Gejl Rajklin Kerolajn Vinkler

d`epni roditelj

Stotine brzih odgovora

Невена

d`epni roditelj

LEARN

to get

ANGRY