Parental guides discipline without spanking by Kreativni centar

This book will provide useful information on simple and successful disciplining techniques, which will help you, teach your small and not so small children, adequate manners of behavior in an unaggressive, yet efficient manner.

DISCIPLINE without Spanking

Nevena Lovrinčević

Every one of us would like to have a warm and tender relationship with our child, full of mutual love and respect. Still, if our child throws a temper tantrum, hits other children, doesn’t come home when agreed situations every parent is occasionally faced with – does this mean that we should tolerate such behavior and wait for it to pass by itself? No by all means! Ignoring such situations during a longer time period can result in poorer adaptation of the child in the kindergarten or school environment, as well as numerous other problems and behavior disorders, and it is very important that the parent addresses them in an adequate manner.

E N I L P I C S I

a Nevenčević Lovrin

without

Spanking

Nevena Lovrincevic

DISCIPLINE WITHOUT SPANKING Illustrated by

Neda Dokic

TABLE OF CONTENTS

INTRODUCTION.......................................................................................................... 5 IS DICIPLINING NECESSARY................................................................................ 7 GOOD „OLD“ METHODS......................................................................................11  SPANKING............................................................................................................12  MAKING FUN OF OR HUMILIATING THE CHILD..................14  DISTANCING AND SICILENCE...............................................................16 WHY TALK IS NOT EFFECTIVE..........................................................................18 PRECONDITIONS FOR GOOD DICIPLINING..........................................22  GOOD ATTACHMENT WITH PARENT............................................22  PARENTS’ BEHAVIOUR................................................................................30 LONG-TERM DISCIPLINING TECHNIQUES............................................40  PERSONAL EXAMPLE...................................................................................40  PRAISES ..................................................................................................................43 SHORT-TERM DISCIPLINING TECHNIQUES..........................................48  SELECTIVE IGNORING.................................................................................50  1, 2, 3!...........................................................................................................................53  DIVERTING OF ATTENTION ...................................................................56  TIME –OUT.........................................................................................................58  BOARD WITH STICKERS.............................................................................63  REWARDING ......................................................................................................68  DENIAL OF THE PRIVILEGUES ................................................................71  AGREEMENT.......................................................................................................75 HOW DO YOU FELL?..............................................................................................80 CONCLUSION.............................................................................................................84

INTRODUCTION

Disciplining is not at all a pleasant part of parenthood. Wouldn’t it be wonderful if our, let’s say two or two and a half year old kids, knew by themselves that it was not good for them to eat chocolate, if they had just five minutes ago eaten ice-cream? Or at least to immediately understand, why it is not good, the moment we explain it to them. It would be wonderful! But children don’t behave in such a manner. This is what they actually do: first they ask us to buy them chocolate, and when we say no, they beg, whine, whimper, cry, refuse to go with us and remain glued to the ground in front of the rack with chocolates, so we have to drag them through the store and in more difficult cases they are even prone to through themselves on the ground and yell at the top of their lungs. Of course, at such moments we wish the ground would open and we could save ourselves from the stares of people in the store („She must be an awful mother since her child misbehaves in such a manner! “). On the other hand, since disciplining is so tedious, it would be much easier for us if we could perform it at a time we are best prepared, i.e. when we are rested, in a good mood and when we have the time for it. But, this is 5

also, unfortunately, completely impossible! Because we most frequently must discipline our children under completely different conditions: in a crowded supermarket, in the park, before they go to bed, when we are also tired and nervous, when driving in a car. It would be best if we could simply skip the task of disciplining! But, can we? Well, we can hardly do that.

IS DICIPLINING NECESSARY

Regardless of how tedious and unpleasant disciplining may be, it is of crucial importance for the proper development of our children. Disciplining is a very important part of what we do in order for our children to, one day, become mature, responsible and moral persons. And this is a goal most parents strive to achieve. However, first of all, it is important to clarify what disciplining IS and what it IS NOT. So, disciplining IS NOT: 1. Punishment. Punishment and punishing indicates the existence of quilt and ill intention of the person who is to be punished. If the child wants you to buy it a toy car and you tell the child that you will not buy it (right away), the child doesnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t whine because it is insolent or bad, nor because it has an intention to harass you. The child simply wants the toy car and seeks to find the most effective manner to get it. 2. Unnecessary frustration of the child. One of the most important tasks which you, as a parent, have to perform, is to in a certain manner, frustrate your child by setting limits of what is allowed and acceptable and what is not. You cannot allow the child to act in whichever manner it wishes. 7

3. Excessive effort. To tell the truth disciplining is tedious. But this does not present ample reason to abandon disciplining. The good news is that in time, as the child grows, the need for disciplining decreases, because it is much easier for a child, who has well mastered the first lessons, to adopt new ones.

4. Proving who is boss. You are a parent and hence have a responsibility to financially provide and care for your family, but you also have a responsibility to set boundaries of what is, in your opinion, allowed and what is not. This is simply the fact and you do not have to prove it to anyone.

5. Blowing off steam. It is fully understandable that you sometimes need to yell at someone in order to blow off steam. But, don’t shout at your child because you can’t shout at your boss or your partner. You will just confuse and hurt the child, and you will not solve the problem which you have with your boss or partner.

6. Labeling as “good“and “bad“. Children behave in an unacceptable manner due to different reasons (they want something, they are tired, they do not know how to react in a given situation in a better way), but never because they are not good, that is to say, they are bad. And what IS disciplining? 8

Disciplining IS teaching the child which forms of behavior are acceptable, and which are not, as well as for which behavior it must suffer consequences. In order for the child to be able to behave as a social being, it must gradually overcome the sole focus on itself and satisfying its own needs, according to the principle here and now, and start respecting others as well as social rules that apply in the society the child is living in. Not only will it in such a manner acquire social skills but it will also be developing its personality. If we omit to discipline our child, we will to a significant extent impair its adaptation to any kind of social environment (kindergarten, school, and its peers). Our child will have no benefit from blaming others (neglect of kindergarten teachers,

irresponsible professors, insolence of other children) just harm, because it will be expecting that everyone else has to change, except the child itself. And this will of course not happen. Bad adaption to different social environments not rarely leads to ill adapted behavior, which over time can lead to behavior disorder (difficulty in controlling of impulses, developing of different types of personality disorders such as passive â&#x20AC;&#x201C; dependent, emotionally unstable, psychopathic, sociopathic), as well as addiction disorders (drug addiction and alcoholism). This does not sound good at all. But, unfortunately, the scenario might be exactly such. For the above stated disorders it is characteristic that they do not appear suddenly but on the contrary: are formed gradually over a period of many years. If we omit to react on time to alarm signals, we impair the healing process of a damage already done. The longer a disorder is formed, the harder it will be to later repair it. Not to mention the fact how easily it could have been totally avoided. Fortunately, parents in their hands have successful tools to fight for emotional stability and good adaptation of their children: unconditional love and disciplining.

GOOD “OLD” METHODS

Really, why change old methods? Our parents raised us in a time when “Spare the rod spoil the child” was propagated, when showing of emotions was not really desirable and when you stood in the corner for hours. And what’s wrong with us? Well maybe there isn’t too much wrong with us and maybe we didn’t turn out so bad, but do you sometimes ask yourself could we have turned out even BETTER (each one of us more self-confident and more satisfied!) had we not received slaps and stood in corners or knelt on corn? Do you feed your four month old baby with bean soup or do you swaddle it by firmly compressing its legs. I really doubt it, although this was exactly how your mothers and grandmothers had done. Since, we have over years with the help of science, based on studies and experience, developed some better solutions concerning the physical health of our children, there is no reason to close our eyes to acquired knowledge which will improve their emotional and social development, which is of equal importance. So let us look back at the “good“old methods and see why they are in fact not so good. 11

SPANKING Until recently spanking was a fairly popular mean of punishment and considered to be an effective method for rearing a child. Fortunately times are changing and slowly (maybe too slowly!) we are coming to understand that the rod has nothing to do with heaven, to which it is (allegedly) associated. Good sides: Relatively efficient method. Truth be told, short- term and functioning only while you are present, which should in time be intensified in order to be effective. Bad sides: The child that is spanked is taught that physical means of settling accounts is acceptable, so it frequently adopts one of two possible models of behavior. The first model is that the child acts as an aggressor who beats everybody around whenever it estimates that it is the right thing to do, i.e. when it is stronger, so it beats children in the kindergarten and school and later his partner, kids, you and everyone that gets in its way. Of course, there is a big chance that such a child will have serious problems in adapting to his environment 12

(school, work, family and not rarely problems with the law. The second model of behavior is taking on the role of a victim - the child while growing up, accepts as normal the fact that other children and later on colleagues, “friends“, boss, partner beat and (or) humiliate it. Conclusion: Aggressive and insufficiently effective method. If truth be told a quite primitive method, because it points to poorly developed communication and social skills of the person using it. Of course there is a great difference in whether a child has been punished by standing in the corner for a few times and spanked or if it has received severe beatings, or been beaten regularly. The amount of received spanking is directly proportional to the amount of inflicted damage: more spanking equals larger and more difficult damage to repair of emotional development, with a greater chance of appearance of emotional problems and disorders. Still, bear in mind that every physical punishment, although not equal in consequences, carries the same message: spanking of weaker is OK. And such a message is not OK!

MAKING FUN OF OR HUMILIATING THE CHILD When we tell the child :”Oh, you are so ugly when you cry. Everyone will laugh at you!”or: ”Such a big girl and pees in her panties like a baby. Oh, how you awful smell”, we of course do not say this with a deliberate intention of humiliating the child. But this is exactly what we are doing. Good sides: Can be effective, i.e. the child stops with the undesired behavior. 13

Bad sides: Although we may achieve short - term improvement with humiliation (the humiliated child places an effort to do what we want of it), in the long-term which is many times more important, we just make things worse. By making fun of and humiliating the child we cause the child to feel bad and pave the road to deterioration of its self-esteem and stability. Neither of these will bring us closer to the solution, instead it shall drive us further away from what we perceive as the problem. Of kneeling on corn or making the child sit in nettle (as punishment for peeing in bed) or similar “methods“ which present an unhappy combination of physical punishment and humiliation we will not even speak. Such “methods “are not disciplinary measures (regardless of the possible well intent of the parent), but present abuse. Conclusion: Method of poor effect, looking at long-term, brings more harm than good.

Be careful when addressing your child: remarks such as: mummyâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s boy, you just hang to your motherâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s apron, itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s shameful to sulk so, you are just so embarrassing me by your whining, are ones you should refrain from. At the same time, do not hesitate to defend your child from similar remarks given by other people (uncles, aunts, neighbors, passersby). The fact that someone has a good intention does not mean that he is allowed to say whatever is on his mind. The child will be thankful and shall gradually learn to take care of itself. And the mastering of this important life skill will always be of great use to your child.

DISTANCING AND SICILENCE Although ignoring of undesirable behavior of a child, as you will see later on, can be an effective disciplining technique, it should not last longer than a few minutes. It is not rare that some parents, especially those to whom physical punishment is unacceptable, apply distancing from the child, by not communicating with it and acting as if the child was nonexistent for periods lasting numerous hours, days, (even weeks!). Good sides: These methods can be effective because the child stops with the undesired behavior. Bad sides: Although at first glance they do not seem aggressive, these disciplinary methods, by the quantity of damage they make, in the emotional sense, present extremely aggressive forms of punishment. It would, so to speak, be easier for the child to, in a certain situation, get a slap from the parent, to have the parent yell at it and have the punishment stop at that, than to for hours and 15

days at an end, have the parent act as if it was invisible. Emotional coldness, distancing, ignoring and silence which last for hours, days or weeks at a time present one of the most aggressive forms of punishment, because the message they are conveying is:“ You do not exist for me! You are not important“. It is irrelevant that the initial intention of the parent was really not to convey this kind of message. If we know that the parent is the most important person in every child’s life, and that the child, to a great extent, develops its attitude towards itself based on the attitude that the parent has towards it, the message: “You do not exist!“ inevitably leads to the decline of confidence and despair. Conclusion: Although distancing gives short- term effects, and the child behaves better, longterm consequences are bad. Inclination of parents to apply this kind of punishment inflicts grave damage to the child’s emotional development, because it creates a predisposition for the development of depressive disorder later on in life, due to low selfesteem and poor social efficiency and adaptation. Not to mention the entailed deterioration of relationship with your child as well as lack of trust as a response to your emotional coldness and blackmail, with all associated complications.

WHY TALK IS NOT EFFECTIVE

Somewhat younger generations of parents, to whom physical punishment and distancing from child was unacceptable, turned to talking as a disciplinary technique. Talking is very important. However in certain situations which require disciplining it has shown to be totally useless. Peter (3 years old) is angry with his mother and is having a tantrum trying to get what he wants (to stay outside longer). He has thrown himself on the ground (it is November and quite cold and wet) taken off his jacket and started to yell. Mom tries to get him up, but is doing this quite indecisively and without determination, all the time trying to reason with him by talking and trying to persuade him. He of course doesnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t react to this at all. Or for example, Isidora (14 years old), who has, for God knows how many times, not come home when agreed. Her mom and dad talk (again 17

for the umpteenth time) to her about how important it is to respect an agreement, how her behavior is incorrect, how much they worryâ&#x20AC;Ś While they are talking, even though it might seem that she is listening carefully to them and feeling sorry, Isidora is actually probably thinking what she will have for supper before going to bed. Good sides: A nonaggressive method encourages trust and closeness. In certain situations (with children older than seven, in cases where disobedience is less expressed) can give good long-term results. Bad sides: Totally ineffective method in situations which worry us the most and (or) drive us up the wall: when small children throw temper tantrums and behave aggressively, when children are very disobedient, when older children persistently act in an unacceptable manner. Conclusion: Insufficiently effective method especially in situations when you need help the most. A parent who uses talk as a technique to get his child in order, despite the time and energy spent, doesnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t have a prospect of success because of two reasons: the child cannot and will not listen to the parent because it is throwing a temper tantrum (younger children), i.e. the parent takes no concrete actions after talking to the child, which the child could perceive as a practical consequence of its behavior (older children). So what you say, presents just empty words, said just to be said, which do not lead to actual improvement of the childâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s behavior. Nevertheless, we must not so easily dismiss talking as a disciplinary measure. 18

 In all situations which do not require direct disciplining you should talk with your child in order to completely clarify to it what you expect from it and why, in such a manner to in time give your child a chance to make its own choices, leading it to a feeling of responsibility.  After taking disciplinary actions always talk with your child about the situation clarifying to it your objectives.  From the early age teach your child to say please and thank you. Explain to your child that the use of these words show your respect for others. In the beginning it will seem as a kind of a game but your child will gradually realize the importance of being nice to others. Do not insist too strongly, making your child repeat like a parrot words that it does not understand. And of course, when addressing your child, use the words please and thank you.  Encourage your child to have empathy. By talking about everyday situations help your child sympathize with others. If your child and his friends don’t want to let a new friend into the game, comment on this: „See how Mateja is sad because you will not play with him? How would you like it if other children would not play with you? How would you feel? “ If your child can imagine itself in the role of another child, it will gradually develop a readiness for recognizing the needs and feelings of others, and by doing so develop social skills, which will be of great help to it in life.  Read and tell children fairy tales and fables: Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs, Little Red Riding Hood, Cinderella, The Three Little Pigs, The Grasshopper and the Ant. Fairy tales and fables present an endless source of moral values: 19

goodness, nobility, truthfulness, sympathy, and in them good always prevails over evil. Be creative instead of reading to your child, you can talk to it, giving special emphasis on what is currently important to you child. ď Ź You should frequently and openly talk with your child, not only about actual situations, problems and dilemmas but also about permanent values which you consider to be important. The children will enjoy (as you will also!) these talks and from them they will draw a feeling of security and closeness with you which you will nurture all your life, adapting to and supporting each other. To summarize: talk is of vital importance before and after disciplining. However, bear in mind - when time comes for disciplinary actions, take them. Do not take other actions instead.

PRECONDITIONS FOR GOOD DICIPLINING

GOOD ATTACHMENT WITH PARENT The attachment between you and your child, which starts to form very soon after birth, presents a base for the development of your child’s personality. The attachment referred to herein, primarily, presents the one formed between the baby and the mother (with all due respect to fathers, in the initial period the mother’s influence is greater) immediately after birth and during the first few years. In time the fathers’ influence becomes more significant. The quality of the afore stated attachment to a large extent determines how your child’s personality will develop, i.e. will it be prone to emotional problems and behavioral disorders or not, how it will perceive itself, how much confidence it will have, how open it will be towards others, how it will cope with difficult situations and stress. Your effort in setting a foundation for the development of your child’s personality will last about the first three to four years of your child’s life. Of course the task does not end there, and the problems and mistakes you make you will resolve as you go along. Any potential mistake you might make can be corrected if you are prepared to change something, and to by doing so find solutions which are better for you and your child. I presume that since you are reading the kind of literature, that the book you have in your hand belongs to, you are open-minded enough for this. 21

HOW TO ESTABLISH A GOOD ATTACHMENT

 Do not leave a new born baby to cry in your attempt to “teach“it not to be “spoiled“. What does your instinct tell you when you hear a baby’s cry? To take it in your arms. And so do not lose time thinking: “Should I pick it up or not?“, „Will I spoil it?“, “We can’t allow it to manipulate us!“ and so forth. Simply take it in your arms!  Learn to recognize and meet the baby’s needs. The baby’s language is crying. Learn this language by being focused on recognizing and meeting the baby’s needs. Keep in mind that the baby’s needs are not barely to be fed and dry. Equally important are its needs to be loved, cuddled and to feel secure and protected. The baby will not always stop crying when you take it in your arms and try to help it. You will not be able to stop it from crying every time. However, if your attitude is: “I do not want that little being to manipulate me!“ and “The baby is fed, dry, nothing is wrong with it, I do not want to spoil it“, this is something totally different than if you hold your crying baby in your arms trying to understand what it needs, while talking to it and rocking it. Sometimes it will continue to cry no matter what you do. But there is an essential difference in the approach in these two cases. 22

 Hold and carry your baby. You can often hear parents say: “As soon as I take it in my arms it stops crying. “ This does not happen by chance. Babies need intensive physical contact with their mother and father. The easiest way to satisfy this need is to carry the baby. Don’t be afraid that it will get used to constantly being in your arms and that it will want you to carry it around even when it gets older. On the contrary, babies which are cuddled and frequently carried by their parents do not have a need to constantly be with their parents, but are more self-reliant and sure of themselves. However, avoid having the baby fall asleep and sleep in your arms because this will form bad sleeping habits. Put the baby in the bed when it is sleepy but still awake.  Play with your child. When playing with your child you laugh and have fun together. By so doing, you are sending an important message to your child :“You are important to me and I love to be with you!“, and the humor you nurture while playing together can be very helpful when disciplining the child. You must know that disciplining, using laughter and play is much more effective than disciplining in anger. In families in which laughter is often heard, problems and difficult situations are overcome more easily and disciplining itself is easier.  Guide your child. In new more difficult situations, advise your child through guidance, offering it better solutions for such situations. Be a support and source of positive emotions. Find the right measure: sometimes draw back, leaving the child to be self-reliant, and sometimes step in giving it support and advising it. In such a manner you straighten mutual trust. 23

Although children, like adults, differ, there are however visible characteristics by which children who are well attached to their parents differ from those who are not. well attached children

poorly attached children

relationship with friendly, open, pears communicative, willing to share, form close friendships

aggressive, selfish, manipulation tendency, tendency of taking a role of an aggressor or victim, closed, isolated, withdrawn

relationship with open, expect help, adults confident, easily make eye contact

untrusting, notably unconfident, avoid eye contact

empathy

sensitive, help friends, include others in decision making

insensitive, selfish

problem solving

determined, positive, less prone to frustration

gives up easily, prone to frustration, negative

self-confidence

high, children are realistic in the evaluation

poor

expressing emotions

adequately open, amicable

suppressed feelings, uncontrolled anger, inadequate expression: too much or suppressed

feeling for justice

inner feeling for good and bad, shows sincere remorse when it does something wrong

unclear feeling for what is good and bad, without signs of remorse or being sorry when it does something wrong

as adults

mature, emotionally stable person with satisfactory relationships with partner and friends

unsure immature person with unsatisfactory relationships with partner and friends, with tendency of behavior disorders and emotional problems

WHY GOOD ATTACHMENT PRESENTS A PRECONDITION FOR GOOD DISCIPLINING

Why are some children easy to discipline while others are difficult? And what effect does the manner in which you have treated them when babies have on disciplining? It has an effect and a great one at that! Children who have established a good and stable relationship with their parents can be disciplined more easily than ones who have not. There are two basic reasons for this: the emotional stability of the child and your better knowledge of your child. 25

Disciplining is not punishing, but rather teaching a child which forms of behavior are acceptable and which are unacceptable, as well as the fact that it must suffer the consequence for its behavior. Disciplining is an important part of what we do in order for our children to one day become mature, responsible and moral persons. This book will provide useful information on simple and successful disciplining techniques, which will help you, teach your small and not so small children, adequate manners of behavior in an unaggressive, yet efficient manner.

Nevena Lovrinčević