Jasminka Petrović
IT’S ALL RIGHT
Translated from the Serbian by Nataša Srdić
To those of you searching for freedom
PART 1 IT HURTS ME, IT HURTS ME A LOT
Teodora, 17 years old I didn’t lock you in. I don’t like to lock you in when I leave. Things are locked in, not people. You were sleeping. I went down to the shop for shampoo. I thought I’d be quick. The shop is on the corner. However, I ran into Ljubica. She was talking about how Lana had shaved her head. She was talking a lot. I was nodding my head and squeezing my wallet. When her mobile rang, she signalled to me to wait. I didn’t do so. Someone else went on listening to her talk about Lana. I just turned and went away. Without saying goodbye. The shop was crowded. It’s always crowded at that cashier’s counter. I should have asked to cut ahead. But I didn’t. My stomach tightened in the lift. Bad thoughts. Very bad thoughts. I kept slapping my thigh with the shampoo bottle. I’d stayed too long. The cashier took the bag. She couldn’t open it. The nylon kept slipping between her fingers. The bag stuck. I grabbed the shampoo and ran out of the shop. The cashier yelled, “Neighbour, your change! You forgot to take your change!” I was running, not looking back. The lift went up more slowly than ever before. My thoughts were bad. I kept slapping my thigh with the shampoo bottle. Very bad thoughts. When I saw that the door of the flat was open, I knew... I just knew... 9
Jasminka Petrović
I should have asked to cut ahead. But I didn’t. I stayed quiet and waited. When I entered the room and saw the empty bed, I knew... I knew that you had gone out into the street. Still, I searched the whole house first. All the rooms, the bathroom, the balcony, I even looked under the bed. Hullo, where are you? Hullo, where did you hide? You used to look for me. I remember I loved to hide behind the armchair in the bedroom most. Today I’m looking for you. I’m searching the whole house. I’m even opening the drawers... The worst of all is that you went out in your nightgown. It’s getting darker and colder. I run like crazy. I stare at parked cars. I run into entrance halls. I search. Now I even stop passers-by. I ask if they’ve seen you. They shake their heads, giving me strange looks. I’m no longer ashamed. Now I don’t really care what people will think of me. Now I could even say straight to Ljubica’s face: Stop! Enough! I don’t care whether Lana shaved her hair or not! I run across the street. I enter a café. Maybe you were thirsty. Maybe you sat down to rest. The first symptoms to appear are usually forgetfulness and mild confusion. When you couldn’t remember how to make the koch semolina sponge cake, I cried, when you forgot my name, you cried. I rush into the shop. We were here last week. We picked out a hat. The saleswoman said: It’s expensive. I snapped back at her: Then I’ll take two. We’ll put one on and take the other. You love hats and they look good on you. Mum keeps sending money. She is well paid at the Migrant Centre. No 10
It’s All Right
wonder, she speaks five languages. She keeps inviting us to join her. She wants to enrol me at the university and to place you in a home for the elderly and the sick. She says that human rights are respected in Norway, that the state takes care of its people, that they have excellent education and healthcare. I admit there are moments when you so freak me out that I feel like throwing you out the window with the bed. You drive me crazy, and then I think of sending you over to Mum’s place on the first plane, but as soon as my anger subsides, I know that it is best for both of us to stay in our house. What would we do in Oslo, the two of us? I mean, really. I would learn Norwegian somehow, but you...? How would you ask to have your hair combed, to be scented, to have lipstick applied? How? Besides, you are used to your pillow, blanket and bed. Stressful situations, such as losing a loved one or even relocation, can accelerate the development of Alzheimer’s disease. You put on your hat and went out into the street. But you forgot to put on your shoes. Well, no big deal, it happens. The causes of the onset of this disease are not well known. I run into the shop. I nervously knock on the fitting room door. A puzzled woman peeks out in her bra. So you’re not there. I keep searching. I look, I stare, I go out, I run, I go in... I keep searching. You’re not there, either. Not there... Maybe you went into the bank? Did you by any chance go behind the counter? An employee grabs me by the upper arm. I push him away. The security guard comes. He tells me something. I don’t have time to quibble with him. I go out into the street. I run. I keep searching. You went to the 11
Jasminka Petrović
patisserie! Why didn’t I think of that right away?! You love chestnut puree with whipped cream. You’re probably sitting at the table, waiting for me. You have your hat on. Just as you did last week. I bring a full tray. We sit, eat and drink. And then you suddenly push your glass. The lemonade spills all over the table, my jeans and trainers, your dress and purse. We leave quickly, you’re angry, shouting, taking off your hat, throwing it on the floor. The disease often leads to pronounced agitation and severe personality changes in a person. I leave the patisserie. You’re not there, either. Where else should I look for you? Should I turn left or right? There was a time when I didn’t know how to tie my shoelaces, cut my steak on my plate, read a sentence. You helped me. Today, you don’t know how to button up your shirt, turn off the stove, sign your name. I help you. There are frequent disruptions in the sleep-wake cycle and uncontrolled wandering, which sometimes results in leaving home. You used to leave home earlier, too, but I would catch up with you as soon as you reached the corner. I thought, with you not everything is as it says on the Internet. Alzheimer’s is a progressive disease that leads to a slow decline of certain parts of the brain. It most commonly occurs in people over the age of sixty-five to seventy. Difficulties arise in handling money, maintaining personal hygiene, dressing, balance and gait. I thought this didn’t apply to you... If only I could find you. If only I could find you. If only I could find you. People with Alzheimer’s disease sometimes 12
Jasminka Petrović IT’S ALL RIGHT First English-language edition Naslov originala Sve je u redu © Kreativni centar, 2023 Translated from the Serbian by Nataša Srdić Language editing by Novica Petrović Book cover designed by Dobrosav Bob Živković Prepress by Saša Stefanović Published by Kreativni centar Gradištanska 8, Beograd tel.: 011 / 30 88 446 www. kreativnicentar.rs e-mail: info@kreativnicentar.rs For the publisher Ljiljana Marinković, director Printed by Klik tim, Beograd Printed in 2023 Print run 300 copies
Sometimes it’s not easy to be young. There are so many challenges, dilemmas, all sorts of emotions and misunderstandings. The heroes of this book don’t accept anxiety and darkness. They choose love over fear. They search for a new day, for freedom.
Listen, it’s all right whether you agree with me or not. It’s all right indeed.
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