Blackbright News - The Relationship Edition

Black-Bright

News Issue 54

Q U E S T I O N S TO A S K : MOST MEN LIE UNTIL THEY GET YOU, THEN ITS TOO LATE! A re yo u a ‘ M um my ’ s B oy ? ’

WHAT MAKES BLACK BEAUTIFUL?

relationship issues, with a view to putting relationships back on track or will stimulate the nucleus of non-existent ones.

The Editor’s View

Blackbright News is now in its 13th year, and it keeps evolving with the times – and tries to keep up with what is relevant today. What is that people want to learn about, know about or are curious about? Something that impacts us all - relationships!

If you want relationship advice, or would like to write in, please send your question/contribution to: blackbrightnews@gmail.com, and provided it does not contain profanities, I will publish it.

Don’t worry about spelling, or grammar, that is what our editorial team is for.

I decided to dedicate this issue and maybe future issues, to relationships – and its impact on different parts of our lives.

Your submissions are voluntary contributions/pro bono, which means, there is no payment for them.

Do you want to subscribe? Type ‘I want to subscribe’ in the subject line, and I will send you details.

We are all in relationships in one way or another; romantic, sexual, platonic.

We are likely to know people in heterosexual relationships and same sex relationship and we find ourselves perplexed by relationships that don’t work and intrigued by those that do. I believe that deep within us all, there is a longing for reciprocal love.

Myrna-Loy,

Thank you.

The Managing Editor/CEO

How do achieve reciprocal love, which, according to Nat King Cole’s song ‘Nature Boy’ is to love and to be loved in return?

Tensions are often high in times of job losses, inflation and rent increase. So many are being forced out of our homes, onto the streets, with friends or family members. Frugality is essential to avoid poverty, which can cause resentment within families, giving rise to intolerance, arguments, addictions, insecurities, violence (both domestic and otherwise); which is the genesis of constant friction in relationships - making us forget our core purpose. When there is friction in relationships, infidelity or breakdown ensues – and we find ourselves criticising each other and tearing each other down.

The Relationship editions of Blackbright News will be addressing various

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ARE YOU A ‘MUMMY’S BOY?’ There are so many men who get called ‘mummy’s boy’ because they live at home with their mother.

FEATURE ARTICLE INSIDE...

The definition of a mummy’s boy is the man who falls back on his mum, when he can’t be bothered to try to work things out for himself. It is the man, who lives with his mother, but doesn’t help her with the bills, and doesn ‘t help her around the house, and is looking for a free ride. He is the man who borrows money from his mother, and doesn’t pay it back.

What Questions Can You Ask your Date?

Boys who long to be men (but still rely on mummy) What makes black beautiful?

Why is it so hard to maintain a new relationship?

- The importance of Communication.

He is the man who every time his woman challenges him, he leaves and sleeps over at his mum, until his girlfriend begs him to come home.

So let’s not get it twisted. A man who lives with his mother is not a mummy’s boy, it’s the one who exploits his mother’s love and weakness for him, that is!

Blackbright News

ISSN No. 1751-1909

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www.blackbrightcommunityservices.com Blackbright News is a not-for-profit Publication

Myrna Loy, Founder & Managing Editor

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MOST MEN LIE UNTIL THEY GET YOU - AND THEN IT’S TOO LATE!

Questions To Ask that’s where asking questions before things get too serious, is important.

t to e G we ....? n a C ruth t e th

Why am I being swept away emotionally by someone I have just met?

It is time to Slow Down... Feel ....

Listen.

Is this someone who you want to feature in your future?

Is it because you have been out of a relationship for a while? Are you feeling horny? Are you feeling desperate because your clock is ticking? Any of these can make you misjudge a new relationship.

We take a lot for granted when we meet someone new. A lot of the time we get caught up in the moment, especially if the guy is good looking and has charisma - it’s like, your ego takes over. “I’m lovely, he’s lovely what else is there to know?” but there is plenty to know - you need to stop yourself, reign in the emotions for a moment and take a stock.

Honesty is important, although you cannot tell when someone is being honest with you, you can only trust the process and your instincts. Feel out the person before you start barraging them with questions. Do they look nervous or are they brash and over-confident? Do they seem to be over-compensating, defensive, or overly sensitive? Is there anything about their behaviour that makes you feel slightly uneasy or uncomfortable.

Don’t get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with being spontaneous – but if things move very quickly, we should be asking ourselves: does this feel right to me?

I have never been one to doubt the genuine feelings of someone, but what I have been remiss about, is whether the individual, despite being genuine, is compatible? and

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As this feature is aimed at those who are newly dating, you will not know the background of the person.

They may be recovering from a recent death of a loved one, a trauma, separation or divorce, which could account for their over-sensitivity. If this is the case, they really should not be dating until they have come to terms with their situation, but it happens, so when you ask your questions, bear in mind that you may need to reframe them to get the best out of the individual, especially because you don’t know how the person is going to take it.

down a job? Does he have an attitude problem? So while you have your reasons for wanting to know if the guy who is chatting you up, can step up to the plate, you need to know how you are going to pose the question without sounding intrusive

How do you find out what is important to you, without it sounding like an interrogation or a police investigation?

When you meet someone, a woman does not want to have to worry about whether she will have to subsidise her date - she wants to know that even if he can’t pay for her, he can pay his own way. If something goes wrong with their job, 6 months to a year down the line, that’s different, but not at the beginning.

Questions mustn’t sound like an interrogation or police investigation!

The best way to ask questions is to frame your questions sensitively:

A playful way to as the question could be “So what do you do with your days and nights?” It is not focussing on the job, but it is giving you an opportunity to find out if he has any interests or hobbies, which is another important question to ask.

Do you enjoy yur work? This question is not intrusive, yet helps you to Do you have any interests? Now find out if he’s likely to be a liability. while football fantatics can be a Some men may argue: I’ve been pain in the butt for a lot of reasons, working all my life, I’ve just been they have a passion; they are dedimade redundant; it’s not my fault cated; they are focussed, and a lot that I don’t have a job!” The fact of of the time, they will please their the matter is that this question is partner in order to get their ‘footnot meant to be deal breaker, it is ball’ time. Conversely, those who meant to ascertain his attitude to do not have interests can develop work; what talents/skills he posinto the type where you become sesses; can they compliment anytheir interest. They are overly inthing you are doing? if he’s not terested in what you are doing, working, how long hasn’t he been wearing, and it can become monotworking for? If it’s like 3 years, then onous – so it’s important that your that’s a red flag. How long did he man has outside interests apart hold his job before that for? If it was from you, so find out what they are only for a couple of months, could be 4 early on. that this man has problems holding

HOW CAN COMMUNICATION MAKE A RELATIONSHIP LAST? Some couples argue that the relationships that last longer, are the ones where the female has made him wait for the first kiss and hasn’t allowed him to get intimate until he’s ‘put a ring on it’ because, this, they claim, heightens the respect he has for the female and the fundamental reason why he has decided that waiting for those special moments is what keeps up the momentum and makes the relationship last.

partner, not only when s/he is talking to you, but how s/he relates to others; communication is about being observant and aware. When you put this into play, you learn what makes your partner tick. You know how to satisfy without being asked; you know how to avoid confusion and conflict, you learn to care and grow in love.

If a partner lacks genuine interest in his/her mate because they are too self-absorbed, they will miss the things that are important to the other person, which is why relationships can break down. Good communica-

Other couples argue that a great personality, passion, spontaneity and humour are integral components in lasting relationships, and that if your relationship has these ingredients, it doesn’t matter whether you kiss or have sex on the first date, it will stand the test of time.

WHY BAD COMMUNICATION SHORTENS RELATIONSHIPS

There are those who state that those who have sex on a first date seek immediate gratification, and are not durable enough to stick around when the going gets tough and the intimacy dwindles, so they do not have the ability to sustain healthy lasting relationships.

tion is an essential component to a lasting relationship.

Regardless, there is no definitive prescription to a lasting relationship - it usually depends on the worthiness of each individual; how an individual feels about his/herself; whether one partner can offer what the other one needs; and whether they are able to communicate their needs in a way that they can be met by their partner.

If one party to the relationship is selfish, self-absorbed and self-centred, s/he will not be able to identify the needs of the other person – in fact, they will not even be interested in their partner’s needs, so when the other party is trying to communicate with the self-absorbed person, s/he will be perceived as being demanding, overbearing and needy.

So many partners underestimate the importance of communication - and communication is not just about talking to each other, it is about sharing honestly, your feelings, your desires and what bothers you. It’s about listening to your

With selfish partners, its all about the ‘I’ - the ego. Relationships cannot survive when each individual thinks 5

and behaves independently - showing no consideration for the other party. This usually happens when individuals have been living self-sufficiently for a while, and have become used to pleasing themselves, and so attending to the needs of another feels burdensome.

Some people find it difficult to communicate what’s important to them, for fear of being judged. Some are unsure how to use technology and believe that it will betray their level of intelligence and leave them open to ctiticism if they can’t articulate their views properly. Thank goodness, there are different communication strategies for everyone. If you are too shy to speak face to face, use the telephone, if you find that difficult then text; if you fear rejection, then grow some balls, but always analyse what your fears are, and why you are reluctant to communicate in a way that could improve the relationship.

If you are the person who has lived on his or her own for quite a while, and find that you need a partner in your life, let the

Discussing your fears, your insecurities, your hopes and dreams will help put the relationship in a place of discovery, where you can both start learning about each other, and hopefully be en route, to a lasting relationship.

partner know how you feel. Tell them how difficult it is going to be sharing your place, your space and your time, but that they can work on the transition together.

I am sure if a partner is placed on notice, and is aware of your limitations (and possibly their own), they will understand.

Some people might be put off by what they see as a stumbling block to a quick moving in strategy, and if they are, then so be it, but at least you have communicated your reservations up front.

Many singles are reluctant to give up their ‘freedom’ and selfish behaviours, not realising that the other partner might feel the same way.

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what makes BLACK beautiful?

I have often asked myself, what makes black beautiful? Being a black woman, I could focus on my external looks, the way I wear my hair, my makeup and my clothes, but I, like everyone else, knows that the outward appearance is not where our beauty lies. It lies in our character, our beliefs and our values – and that is why many of us may not be perceived as beautiful.

peers being jealous, or men being intimidated by them, when it is not the case at all.

Similarly with men. Men who dress smartly, drive a decent car, have a decent job, sometimes feel they don’t have to try too hard to get a woman. Some of them become arrogant because they consider themselves eligible and therefore have the pick of the crop, and dismiss women who show them kindness because they feel entitled to it. This behaviour is not what makes black beautiful, regardless of attractiveness.

Many black woman have been hurt, disillusioned, disappointed which flaws their character, despite trying to hide it. It comes out in forms of sarcasm, criticism and being judgemental, so that regardless of how beautiful they appear on the outside, they turn people off, and they are not considered beautiful anymore.

Because we live in an era that is pre-occupied with external beauty, many women can’t understand why they are not found to be attractive. They put it down to

Most women seek protection and reassurance from men, and most men seek unconditional love from women - these characteristics are what can make someone appear beautiful.

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Both women and Men need to learn to love unconditionally, regardless of the pain, disappointment, heartache and regret. Try

not to be the one who has an attitude, but be that individual who is dignified, strong, caring and respectful.

It’s tough being strong; it’s tough being hurt and having to get up and be brave about it; it’s tough making yourself vulnerable without knowing what the end result is going to be; but trust in your goodness, you must. Being black and beautiful is about being strong, committed and loyal. It’s about behaving in a way that commands respect and admiration. Believe in your innate kindness and your ability to love despite adversity, and you will be that person, who is black and beautiful.

Who do you live with?

You will be surprised how many men live at home with their parents/mother/relatives/friends, because it’s the only way they can secure a roof over their heads when their relationship has broken down; they have lost their job or were not raised to be self-sufficient? How does a man who lives at home with his mother sit with you? Are you going to judge him immediately, or are you going to find out the background to his situation?

take you out on dates, treat you like a queen, and still have his woman patiently waiting for him to return to her house – don’t be fooled. How do you find out what a man’s relationship status is? Ask him up front if he is single; if he says he is – ask him how long he has been single for; ask him why his last relationship didn’t last, and see if the conversation flows, or if he is becoming uncomfortable. Sometimes when you are specific, men can’t be bothered to lie, and they tell you the truth, but it’s important to find out whether he is planning to play you, or whether he needs to get slayed.

Some men lie to impress you – by saying they own their own home, when it’s not the case. They own the csr they are driving when is rented; So ask how long they have left on the mortgage or how much the car payments are, and see how they respond.

If he says he’s renting, you could ask how often the rent increases? If will give you an opportunity to ascertain whether he is dossing at friends (no increase) or a rogue landlord (too many increases).

Have you ever been to jail?

What is your relationship status?

Just because a man flirts with you, asks you on a date, romances you and attempts to sleep with you, doesn’t mean he’s single. He could be ‘between relationships’; separated or still married. It’s important to find out his relationship status before taking it any further.

A man can invite you to his home;

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Most men won’t own up to having a criminal conviction, and can you blame them? That’s a big cross right there in the eligibility column.

How do you find out whether a man has criminal convictions? It could be the reason why he’s not working; he could disguise it by setting up his own business, but if he’s been without a job for more than a year and he doesn’t have a health or other obvious issues preventing him from getting a job, he may have a criminal conviction.

Suppose he was framed, or falsely convicted? Only you can know what you can handle from what you can’t. Having a conviction in and of itself, doesn’t mean you don’t give him a bly, especially if he has been honest with you, but it is important to know whether the two of you can work together despite his conviction, and to be aware of the limitations of having a man who has a criminal conviction.

Do you want children?

Does he have children, does he want children? Do you have children - do you want children? Are you able to have children? Is he able to? Does he feel obligated to support someone else’s children because of a previous relationship?

Does he have a good relationship with the mother(s) of his children?

Do you get the sense that the children are being used as a control mechanism? How well-behaved are the children have you met them? How do the children respond to you (or him?). While you don’t want to be introduced to children straight away, his willingness to have you meet his children at some point is important.

Maintenance - can he, or is he supporting his children, if not why not? How does supporting his children impact his quality of life not only for himself but for you, his potential mate? What are his children’s ages – are they extremely young (under a year old)?

What lifestyle have they been exposed to – have they witnessed domestic abuse, are they tyrannical, disrespectful, precocious?

These questions are not designed to write someone off – they are designed to assess compatibility. I realise this feature is focussed on women asking men questions, but men can ask women questions too – and if you have any questions you would like to put forward, please write them in to blackbrightnews@gmail.com with your email address and contact number, just in case I have any questions for you.

Remember: Most Men Lie until they get you or what they want, and then its too late!

Questions Part 2, will continue 10 in the next edition.

I love the subtlety of the film, because had this film been performed solely by ‘humans’, the film would have faced numerous stumbling blocks - how can racists fight against ‘fictitious’ characters? .

The Black Panther takes us into a world where we know we belong, and where many of us long to be, but have been afraid to express that part of ourselves.

Ryan Coogler who directed the film, has taken us on an imaginary charge, allowing us to fulfil our fantasy of greatness and wonder.

The Black Panther

I am happy that profanities are minimal, yet did not take away the awesomeness and authenticity of the film.

While the messages were largely positive, I am looking forward to the day when conflict can be resolved with less violence; where challenges are overcome, and fights are won through the mind and vocabulary, which would force our people to find new ways to fight battles without resulting in death.

Reviewed by Myrna Loy

I love the way the Black Panther depicts the strength and authenticity of black women. It makes a mockery of the westernised version of ourselves – Historical strength and beauty over cosmetic beauty and glamour? A film where men are depicted as our protectors – strong, mightiful and determined.

Wigs are seen as an adornment that are used to confuse and bemuse, as one is thrown into the face of the opponent, revealing the true character and strength of the female.

Black Panther shows loyalty to the family, an element that has gone missing over the years. The film reminds us of how historically, our rich resources have been coveted, stolen and sold, and why the need to protect our assets and resources from being pillaged, is so important.

Black Panther was worth the wait – a black superhero T’Challa played by Chadwick Boseman (aka the Black Panther), is a feast for the eyes. How long we, as women, have waited for a black superhero, who would remind us of our ancestoral kings and emperors.

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