I’M COMING
OUT A LOOK BACK AT SOME OF THE INSPIRATIONAL STORIES TOLD TO US AT GNI MAG
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COMING OUT noun
the declaration that one is gay: “I love my son and have supported him whole-heartedly through his coming out.” Collins Dictionaries
Over the past few years GNI MAG have been lucky enough to be able to share some of our readers coming out stories. As you read through this small selection maybe you’ll relate to some of the circumstances, but hopefully you’ll see that coming out can be such a liberating and positive experience. If you’re struggling and need help, be it with coming out or with anything else that is causing you distress or despair - remember that Lifeline are at the end of the phone. They have been supporting GNI MAG for years now, letting our readers know that they are there to offer immediate help over the phone, and even face to face counselling if needed.
NEIL’S STORY
WWW.GNIMAG.COM
Neil Davis is a Senior Operations Manager for a Belfast-based accountancy firm. In his coming out story, he takes on bullies, coming out to his mum, and the future of gay rights...
When did you first realise you were
considered staying in the closet.
different the attitudes are compared
I was about five or six when I rea-
Did you find it difficult to accept your
the last five years has been huge!
Schofield were handsome. But I was
A bit. I was bullied from age 7 to
How do you see LGBT rights chang-
got’, ‘poofter’ and everything else. I
soon?
gay?
lised that Gary Lineker and Philip confused because, as a guy, I didn’t
think I should be able to see that. As
I got older I wondered about it more and more. I was 18 when I knew for sure.
Tell us about your coming out experience?
At first I wasn’t sure if I was gay.
sexuality?
about 15, getting called ‘fruit’, ‘fagdidn’t want to prove them right or
leave myself open to more abuse, so I used this to try and convince myself that I was just going through a
phase. I then got to the stage where
I just knew and couldn’t lie to myself
to when I came out. The progress in
ing in Northern Ireland any time
Changes in the rest of the UK and
Ireland are making it increasingly difficult for Northern Ireland’s archaic laws to remain in force. It will be a
battle but positive change is coming!
anymore.
Do you have a life motto?
just a phase. Because I wasn’t sure, I
How did your family react?
or profound, or deeply spiritual here,
found me some support to help me
learn that some of my family were
Secretly I hoped my feelings were
went to the school counsellor and she work things out. I didn’t want to say
anything at home until I was certain so I told my best friend. Once I was
sure, I decided to forget about it and wait until my A-levels were finished before telling my parents. It was
four or five months after I told my
mum and dad before I told anyone
else. After telling my siblings and a
few friends I stopped “coming out”.
A lot of my friends are surprised to
I really want to say something funny, but the truth is I don’t have a motto!
shocked when I told them! While I
What are the most important things in
I wouldn’t get hit or thrown out. My
My friends and family. I am very
didn’t know what to expect, I knew
parents are amazing and have always
been loving and supportive to me and my five siblings. At first, my parents were concerned for me and what
difficulties I might but for the most
part they just wanted me to be happy.
your life?
lucky to have the best bunch of
people in my life. I don’t see some of them as often as I’d like but I know where to find them if I need them. And they know where to find me.
They still do.
What do you do for a living? What is
discussed if I’d been to gay bars or
Has anyone’s opinion changed of you
I’m a Senior Operations Manager
everyone else discussed these things.
Not that I’m aware of – I think most
I didn’t hide anything and openly
who I fancied in the same way that
Who did you first tell, and how did
since you came out?
people knew before I did!
they react?
Have you experienced any negativity
She was great and she’ll never know
I was aware of a few comments
The school counsellor, Mrs Smyth.
the difference her support still makes to me today. She listened to me,
supported me, and got me the help I needed.
since coming out?
made behind my back but it’s been nineteen years since I came out. I
don’t need to think about those times anymore.
Was coming out a big deal for you, or
Where do you live? How accepting are
While it was scary at times, I never
I live in Belfast. I can’t believe how
did it feel natural?
people there of LGBT people?
your dream job?
for an accountancy firm. I am very fortunate to say I’m one of those
people who loves their job! If I was to retrain, I think I’d be either a special needs or psychiatric nurse. But I’ve no plans on jumping ship. I’m in a very good place these days.
TONY’S STORY
WWW.GNIMAG.COM
“You’re like Judas. You’ve betrayed the church.” The first words I heard upon telling my parents I was gay.
I was surprised because my parents
were waiting for me. I returned to
lief against me. It’s easy to say harsh
The disastrous relationship made me
aren’t religious, but used my own bethings in times of shock - looking back now I can understand where they were coming from.
I had spent the last 5 years
working with a Christian organisation that focused on humanitarian
aid work worldwide. I lived in L.A, worked in Egypt, travelled through
the Middle East and settled in Cen-
tral Asia. I was a good wee Christian
boy, on paper. Deciding to ‘come out’ was actually very easy. I did it for the reason that many people make many decisions; love.
I never expected my parents to be
Ireland a completely different person. much stronger and independent; the
fight with cancer gave me this resolve
to love life; the budding passion I had for my newfound career as a pho-
tographer gave me focus and drive. I returned with my head held high
and continued life as a changed man. Cancer changed everything with
my parents. The prospect of losing
someone you love really puts things into perspective: the sexuality issue
vanished. I poured myself into work that actively supported the commu-
nity, in particular working with GNI as their photographer.
My story is far from over, and
ok with it; I didn’t even expect them
I will no doubt have to come out
heart and make some big decisions -
someone new or let someone into my
to want to talk to me. I followed my those decisions led me to Colorado where the guy I had fallen for was from.
I spent a tumultuous rollercoaster
of a year being lied to, cheated on, coerced into a world I didn’t want
to fit in to. I felt smothered by gay
culture and rejected by my spiritual culture. As if my life didn’t seem
complicated enough, I was diag-
nosed with throat cancer and began chemo. I tried so hard to hold onto
my tattered relationship out of fear of the many ‘I told you so’s’ that I knew
again and again, every time I meet
life, but in the words of Sally Field,
when she found out her son was gay, ‘So the f**k what.’
RICHARD’S STORY
WWW.GNIMAG.COM
Richard Beattie – Coming Out Moving Out, Moving On, Moving Up
I remember the exact moment when
showed a bit more of an interest in
are stable, although I do borrow £30
out. I was 16 or 17 years old and
me about work – never my personal
of Karl, and I recently got a new job
I decided it was time for me to come working in Spar. My Dad had just
had his fourth heart attack so it was a really emotional time. For some
reason I can remember holding a tin
of Spar peas (39p if I recall correctly) and thinking ‘I want to get it all out
in the open’: I’d had enough of lying
to everyone about liking girls. I went home that night and told my Mum
I was gay. Instead of getting angry or upset she chose not to acknowledge
it and pretended it hadn’t happened. That was awful – I was so young at
the time and coming clean was such a huge thing for me to do.
When Dad got out of hospital
he approached me and asked ‘is
somebody making you do this?’ I
couldn’t believe my parents’ reac-
my life but they only ever spoke to
life. I had a long term boyfriend at
the time and they had no intention of meeting him. While I remained
in the house my parents helped out a bit with the rent. But when my
Dad died, my Mum cut me off quite
started a new life in Australia and
my Mum for doing that – it was a
really terrible time for her. I eventu-
ally moved back in with Mum. It was awful this time – I hadn’t realised
how badly she had been dealing with everything. She was off the rails and
I knew I couldn’t stay there for a long time. I moved out in January 2011
and I’ve lived on my own ever since. Things turned around when I got
own. She had always supported me
on my own. This was an important transitional period in my life –
leaving school, getting a job, living alone – and everything seemed so
difficult to handle with no support
from my parents. Just after my 18th birthday I was at my lowest point
and I tried to commit suicide. After
that my parents saw more of me and
___________________
boyfriend at the time. I don’t blame
leave the house and move in with my
was gay. I rapidly drifted apart from out of the house and I stayed there
Dublin. Everything’s looking up!
Update: Since this story was first
my own car. I started visiting my
them. When I was 18 they moved
– I’m just about to start training in
abruptly. I had no other option but to
tions – instead of dealing with it they just chose to ignore the fact that I
- £40 here and there from the Bank
older sister who had a family of her but I hadn’t been able to see much of her before this point. I would drive to her house and we would talk for
hours, about everything. We became so, so close and we still are today. Without her help I don’t think I
would be as happy as I am today. Six years on, I am in a happy,
loving relationship with my long
term boyfriend, Karl. My finances
published Richard and Karl have
have just celebrated their first Christmas there.
MICHAEL’S STORY
WWW.GNIMAG.COM
Michael realised he was gay when he was between the ages of 12-14 and during those years he wasn’t comfortable with himself at all. Read his story...
I had a traditional Roman Catholic
we are still very close.
people, and doing photo shoots and
had a big family dinner every Sunday.
later, just before my 17th birthday.
with a new agency, LSH modelling
was when I was younger because it
a typical man; he retreats into his
upbringing; we went to church and I didn’t even really know what ‘gay’
was never discussed. My parents recognised that I was more effeminate and arty than other boys but they
thought I liked girls because I got on with them so well.
I realised I was gay between the ages of 12-14. During those 2 years I
wasn’t comfortable in myself at all;
I felt withdrawn and didn’t want to
spend time with other people. When I eventually came to terms with my
sexuality I decided to come out to my best friend. We had just finished our GCSEs and I asked her to meet me
for coffee. I felt sick with nerves but
I came out to my Dad 7 months
He didn’t take it well at all. He’s
cave when things get difficult. I had
actually. enjoys spending time with
was out of the house as much as possible over the following few days and I barely saw him at all. I knew I had to deal with the situation so I asked him if we could talk… Cue a 45
minute heated argument. Things got quite vicious but the next he started
came out to my mum. I sat her down after dinner. My lip was quivering
and I could feel the tears coming as I said ‘Mum, I’m gay’. She hugged me,
started crying and said ‘I love you, no
gave me a big hug and said, ‘it doesn’t thinking ‘this is the best! Why can’t everyone have this reaction?!’ My
little sister found out the same day as my dad. When I told her I was gay she wasn’t fazed at all, in fact
she seemed much more interested in what was on the Disney Channel.
It took me a long time to be OK
ered the possibility that my parents
angry and thinking ‘it’s my choice!’ I
took her worry as a personal insult; I thought she was ashamed of me but instead she was scared for me. My
mum spoke to my Aunt, who works
in psychiatry, and she got her to calm down a bit and offered to talk to me about things. Chatting to my Aunt
helped me an enormous amount and
and they have a song called ‘Winner’ about someone who blossoms from
a nothing into the swan they’re supposed to become. I feel like that!
As for the future, I’ve applied to
first because I’m not yet 100% clear
When my older brother found out
worrying about what my Dad would told anyone else. I remember being so
tion. I’m a big fan of The Noisettes
lot to me.
with my sexuality, and although it is a
think, urging me to tell him before I
people! It’s been a full transforma-
do English Literature at University,
just everyday stuff… but it meant a
matter what’. That felt really great, but a day or two later she began
time with animals, to someone who
talking to me again – nothing major,
make a difference to me’. I remember
In October 2012, when I was 16, I
I went from being a complete
my Dad I felt worse than ever. He
reaction reassured me that everything me? It’s fine!’
well.
loner who only wanted to spend
quite a lot of weight but after telling
he came directly up to my bedroom,
would be OK: ‘Why should it affect
and promotions, and it’s going really
already been really down and lost
after I said the words, ‘I’m gay’ it was
like a weight had been lifted, and her
promotional work. I recently signed
very personal issue, I never considmight also need time to come to
terms with it. Now, things aren’t what you would call perfect, but I’m happy
with who I am; being called gay is no longer an insult. My Dad has even
given me lifts to gay bars! He’s a very physical man and gestures like this
are his way of showing he accepts me. Through being gay I got into
modelling. I went from being quiet and unhappy to networking with
but I’m thinking of taking a gap year about what I want to do. I’d like to go to London during the summer to do some modelling. My aim is to spend
most of my 20s travelling; I’d love to be able to see the world and make money as I go.
GLEN’S STORY
WWW.GNIMAG.COM
Glenn Gordon talks to GNI about coming out and what his life has been like since then.
I knew I was gay from quite a young age, but I didn’t come out until 2004, when I was 16. Before that, though, I used to tell my Mum I was gay when I was drunk, and then I’d always deny it the next day… so I don’t think she was too shocked by the news! I have a vague recollection of her saying to me on occasion, ‘Glenn, I think there’s something a bit different about you – I think you might be gay.’ Back then I didn’t fully understand what that meant, but other people definitely speculated about my sexuality. I remember having a fight with my friend when I was very young… he pushed me over and called me ‘fruit’. That has always stuck in my head, not because it particularly offended at the time, but because I couldn’t understand what exactly he meant by ‘fruit’; was I a strawberry, or an apple…?! In 2004 I went on a family summer holiday to Gran Canaria. I was still at that rebellious stage – getting drunk and going a bit wild. One night while I was drinking at the resort, I noticed some Scottish people looking over at me, laughing and smiling. I think they liked the way I was getting on, and they came over and starting chatting to me. When they asked me if I was gay, instead of denying it, I decided to be upfront, thinking ‘I’m never going to see these people again’. Fast-forward 10 years and they’re like family to me – we see each other at least once a year, and I even photographed their daughter’s wedding two years ago! We’ve kept in touch ever since that night and I’m so glad we did… telling them the truth allowed me to return home and finally be honest with myself, and with everybody else. It was actually really positive; the name-calling stopped and the vast majority of people in my life were very acceptant.
I did have two friends – a guy and a girl – who were really nasty to me when they found out, but I did the right thing and cut them out of my life and moved on – I didn’t need them and their negativity bringing me down. Around the same time, my little sister told me she was bi-sexual, but I knew deep down that she was gay. I’m so glad I was able to pave the way for her, as an older sibling. After I moved out when I was 17, my sister was allowed to have girlfriends over to the house; I think my parents’ experience with me made them much more open-minded. I never really had to come out to my Dad, because my Mum told him, and he never had much to say on the subject anyway. After coming out, it took me a good six years to feel truly content. Now everything is going amazingly well. I opened my business, ‘Third Eye Photography’, three years ago, and it’s getting stronger every single day. I don’t go out on the scene much because most of my time is taken up with work, and that’s the way I like it! When I opened up my first shop close to where I grew up, I knew I had to make it work. I used to be a bit of a wild child; I went off the rails and was expelled from two schools, so I don’t have any GCSEs and I’ve never really studied in my life… I had so many people to prove wrong, and against all the odds, I succeeded! As well as the photography company, I do spiritual readings with a friend of mine. We do readings at parties and the feedback has been absolutely fantastic. We’re both Libra and we’re going to be making our own cards soon, called ‘Libra Cards’, for balancing your life out. We’re going to use my photography for that, so it all fits in nicely! Soon I’m hoping to go part time with the
photography, and part time with the readings, so I can make the most out of both businesses. I have about 100 different ideas floating around in my head at any one time, so who knows what the future will bring! It took me a really long time to realise that it’s not about being gay, and it’s not about who you’re attracted to; it’s about who you are as a person. When you do come out, don’t let being gay be your main focus in life, because it’s not a career… Being gay is not a career! I’ve come to realise that being gay doesn’t really define me… it used to – it used to be a big issue, but it’s not anymore. I truly believe that a man who loves a man is a god, and a woman who loves a woman is a goddess. As for my love life, I’ve had a bit of a rough time getting into bad relationships, but we all know that you have to kiss a few frogs before you find your prince! I thought I’d found my prince at one stage, but that was another lesson learned, and it’s all positive because now I really know what I want, and I won’t settle for anything less. It sounds silly, but I learned a lot from Sex and the City! I used to watch it and think, ‘which character am I? Carrie, Charlotte, Samantha, or Miranda?’ Then one day it dawned on me; I’m Mr Big! My career and my happiness come first, and I’m happy to let all the other stuff fall into place naturally. Now, after some mistakes made, and many lessons learned, I have come to the conclusion that it’s better to be Mr Right than to find him. I always say, ‘dream your dreams with open eyes and watch them all come true.’
PETER’S STORY
WWW.GNIMAG.COM
I kind of accidentally came out. I had always intended to, at some stage, but when I came out to my best friend Vicky it wasn’t planned, the time just felt right. We had been on a night out and we were drunkenly walking home in the rain. We lay down on the grass and I said “I’m gay”, her reaction was “Thank God!!! Now we can talk about boys!” I couldn’t believe how easy it was!
The next time I came out wasn’t
very lucky in that respect. These days
a while I was very unhappy about
for a party and my Mum came into
gay. I came out 7 years ago and at
out I was fine – it was like there was
planned either. I was getting ready my room. She’s one of my best
friends, and she always knows when
I’m lying, so when she asked if everything was OK and I said “yes”, she
didn’t believe me. I burst into tears
and told her I was gay. Mum insisted we told my older brother, who was downstairs at the time. He was
much more surprised that Mum felt the need to tell him I was gay than
hearing the actual news – he assumed everybody already knew! After that I
told my Dad and then I began gradually telling everyone else I knew. I never felt pressure to come
everybody knows someone who is
the time there was maybe a tiny bit more pressure than there is now, so that could have been why I was so
afraid. My own personal growth has taught me not to be afraid. I could tell someone who is in the closet
that they should come out; that it’s so easy and everything will be fine,
but everyone has their own fears and they’re going to be afraid for their own personal reasons. I could tell
them there’s nothing to be afraid of, but really, each person has to do it when they’re ready… or drunk! As for my career, I’m a vi-
out. People asked and I said no, and
sual merchandiser… I’m gay, I love
honest, I probably said “no” before I
with clothes. Retail is great for me
everyone just accepted that. To be
even thought of the question. No-
body ever bothered me about it, but
I’m sure everyone knew. I don’t know who I was trying to kid… When I
was in art college I had pink, purple,
blue, and green hair, and I wore white skinny jeans and shiny shoes!
With hindsight on my side, I can
now confidently say that I should
have come out the second I knew I
was gay, which was way back at the
beginning of high school. Looking back, I wasn’t really living my life
then, not like I am now. I was really afraid to come out, but the fact that my sexuality was ‘a secret’ was really upsetting me. I really don’t think it
should be a big deal. I was talking to
someone recently who said it’s almost cool to have a gay best friend these
days, and I think I agree… Over the last few years attitudes towards gay
people have really advanced and it’s much more accepted now. We’re
clothes! I’ve always loved working
being in the closet. Once I came
nothing else to think about. Because I didn’t have any gay friends at the
time, I didn’t really know who to look to. I was on MySpace so I sup-
pose I could say the internet helped me a bit. I chatted to people from
Australia, America – all over. I could chat to them about anything because there was a certain anonymity – I
knew I’d probably never see them in the flesh. They were all friendly to me, but I didn’t necessarily turn to
anyone. My friends and I all learned
about me together… I’m still learning about myself, and so are they. The main thing is that they’re always there for me.
I’d love to go to America on a
because I love working with people
creative visa, but I don’t think I’m
long-term, but in terms of the
right now. I would really love to live
too. It’s not the career I really want qualifications I have and the path
that I’m on it’s great for now. After
school I went to art college, so obviously I definitely became a lot gayer
after leaving school! I did a diploma there and I went on to do a graphic
design course. It was too typography based for me; I much prefer more
traditional art forms, so I dropped out. Over that year I was able to
practice my drawing a lot because I
doing enough in my field to use that in L.A. I went there last year, and
again this year, and both times it felt like home. There’s freedom in the
air over there. You can walk around
with whomever you want and nobody will bat an eyelid, whereas over here, if I had a partner, no matter how
much I loved them, I wouldn’t feel
like I could hold their hand in certain places, and that’s a shame.
Since coming out I am so much
was at home and had no course to do.
happier and so much more confident.
ing, I promise! I work 6 days a week
life, and I’ll live it just the way I like.
I looked like a bum, but I was work-
right now so it’s hard to find the time to focus on my art. I do commission work, and I’ve made prints of 4 of
my pieces, which I’m selling at the moment.
Before I came out I definitely
could have used some support. For
I’ve got this attitude now that it’s my Facebook/PeterIrvineArt
MAL’S STORY
WWW.GNIMAG.COM
I was in Birmingham studying from 1998 until 2003. I’d gone to university away from home not to go away and ‘be gay’, but because my older siblings had done it and they told me it was a brilliant experience and really good for their independence.
During the course of my first year I started coming to terms with my sexual orientation, and I met a guy and fell in love. I was with him for two and a half years, and over that period I started coming out to friends in England, and to some of my siblings. I suppose I really properly came out when I returned home in May 2003 and told my parents that September. I’d been intending to tell them for months and months but it never felt like it was the right time, and there was always a reason to excuse it and avoid doing it. The day I finally did do it, we were having a family dinner on a Sunday. My siblings were there with their partners and their children, and we were in the front room having a little drink after dinner. I’m quite a hard person, not in an aggressive sense, but hard as in I’m very much in control of my emotions. I went upstairs to prepare myself and I got a shaky lip for the first time in my life! I was really struggling to talk, but I managed to say ‘Mum, Dad, I have something to tell you.’ I had preempted my siblings so they knew what I was going to say. Each one of them filed out of the room and gave me a hug on their way out. I could see my parents’ faces drop; they must have been thinking ‘what on earth is he about to say!’ I said ‘Look, the reason I came home from England was to come out and be honest about who I am; I’m gay’. My Dad looked quite shocked and my Mum said ‘Right.’ The rest of the conversation is a bit of a blur, but their reaction wasn’t negative. There was a funny moment when my Dad said, ‘I thought you were going to tell me that Catherine was pregnant!’ Catherine was a friend of mine who I’d been hanging out with a lot at the time. Overall they took it quite well, and I suppose from there on in we went on a bit of a journey – for the next year or so my parents and I had some difficulties. I don’t think I had
fully accepted who I was; I had a bit of a chip on my shoulder, and they were uncomfortable talking about it, which made things difficult. It took a bit of time, but I’m very blessed now in that my parents are great; they’re very accepting. I moved in with my partner a couple of years ago and my parents helped us with the move. They treat him like they would any of my siblings’ partners, like a part of the family. My Mum is very fond of my partner. I think, as LGBT people, we go on our own journey to try and identify and come to terms with who we are, and sometimes we just expect our parents to understand that immediately. I think that what we need to be conscious of is holding their hand through the journey of accepting the person their child is. My work allows me the privilege of knowing that not everyone is as lucky as I have been. I work for the Rainbow Project and I understand that people’s circumstances are individual and that it can be very difficult, but the key to making a journey smoother is communication, and being open, and being honest. It’s important for us to tell people that we’re not ashamed of who we are. As for the ‘gay scene’ in Belfast, I’ve been out a bit. I’d done a lot of partying in Birmingham, where there is quite a big gay scene; there’s 8 or 9 clubs, a few gay bars, some women’s only bars, a couple of saunas, and the three universities there have LGBT societies. I was in my late teens/early twenties back then so I’d kind of already done a lot of my partying by the time I came home. It’s interesting that I met my partner at a lesbian night! If we get married, during the toast I’ll have to say ‘thank God for lesbians!’ Otherwise we wouldn’t have met each other. I’ve been really lucky; I’ve never had a negative reaction to my face. I would be quite physically affection-
ate with my partner and I don’t think that I should have to hide that as a gay person. Sometimes I think that as a community we kind of hide under the veneer of ‘I’m not a physically affectionate person’, but there’s maybe something more going on due to internalised homophobia – maybe some of us are a bit ashamed about our relationships in a public setting. I’m not, and I’ve experienced some street harassment because of that. But if that happens, it’s imperative that we report it to the police as a hate incident. It’s so important because the police don’t get an accurate picture that this is an everyday experience for a lot of LGBT people. So report, report, report. Aside from that I can’t think of a time when I’ve had an overtly negative reaction. Sometimes when I say where I work people make a presumption, but the good thing about the Rainbow Project is that we have straight people working for us too. In terms of coming out, Harvey Milk always talked about it being our most important and powerful political tool. When people know us, when they’re related to us, when they work with us, when they’re friends with us, when they live in our street, and when they do business with us, they know us; they know LGBT people. It’s that knowing someone that kills classical ignorance and it means that people then begin to support our rights and our equality. Anybody who knows an LGBT person tends to be supportive. The challenge for us as LGBT people, as part of our continuing journey to equality, is to be out, and be visible. It’s hard, and some people can’t be because the pressures and the difficulties are too much. For those of us who can be, for those of us who are in that place, there’s an onus on us to be civically responsible: to be out and to be visible.
RHODA’S STORY
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I grew up in a very Evangelical Christian household in Omagh. It was the kind of Christianity where there were a lot of rules – you go to church three times on a Sunday and you’re not allowed to go to the cinema or watch TV on a Sunday.
I knew I was gay from about the age of five. At that age you don’t really know what being gay is, but I knew I was different and I didn’t quite know why. A bit later on in life I understood it more, but by that stage I also ‘knew’ that it was wrong, because I was brought up in a church that taught me it was wrong. There was an internal struggle going on when I figured out what it was. It wasn’t particularly pleasant. I didn’t really come to terms with my sexuality until I came out, which was when I got into my first lesbian relationship. When I was a teenager I wasn’t happy in myself. I was very sad a lot of the time, and I knew why. I resorted to self-harming. My parents – because they love me and care about me – sent me off to Christian counselling, which is probably the worst thing they could have done. Eventually I owned up to what it was all about, in the very last session. I was about 17 at the time. I told the counsellor, “I think I might be gay”, and her response was, “No, you’re not. Just forget about it, it will all be fine.” She denied what it was and her advice was to put it to the back of my mind, and move on. She emphasised that it was wrong and unnatural. So I went off to university in Huddersfield, met a guy, and was with him for six years. He was a lovely guy; I really liked him, but I knew there was always something missing; I knew I just wasn’t really myself. After uni I moved into a house share. There was another girl living there, and we started developing feelings for each other. That relationship lasted about four years. It felt safe, because in England I wouldn’t be judged for it or be told that it was wrong. I kind of chickened out; I didn’t ever tell my parents. I brought my girlfriend over here for a week just to show her around the place. My mum kind of suspected we were more than friends, so she took my brother out for coffee and asked him if there was something else going on. I had just recently told my brother, and he was
fine with it. He confirmed that I was in a lesbian relationship. She didn’t react particularly well; neither did my dad. I think they were just utterly shocked. I can understand why – it’s a different generation and that’s how they were brought up. We’re not the kind of family that openly talks about things, so they didn’t confront me about it. Instead they refused to communicate for a couple of months. It was hurtful, but in a way it was easy for me to carry on because I was in England, away from my family. I can see it from both sides – they have strong religious beliefs, and I go against those beliefs. At the same time they’ve made huge efforts to show that they still love me. They’ve met my girlfriends and they’ve been really good to them, so I can’t really ask for much more than that. Now that I live over here I see them quite often. I’m actually strangely proud of them, because they have been so accepting. I know they’re never going to change their minds; they’re always going to be of the opinion that my lifestyle is wrong. I moved back here about four years ago. In 2007, before I moved back, I started a lesbian t-shirt company called ‘Little Ms. Tees’. It all started from a conversation I was having with my girlfriend at the time. I joked that I needed a t-shirt that said ‘I’m a lesbian’ so I wouldn’t have to say it. We came up with several slogans and made a website. It really took off and that’s what I’ve been doing ever since. I sell all over the world. It’s really pleasing when customers from places like Russia or Poland, where it’s not cool to be gay, buy my t-shirts. I guess, at the time that I started Little Ms. Tees, being a lesbian was quite novel for me and that’s how I really wanted to identify. Starting that company was a way to express that identity, and allow others to express it as well. Since then I have started a second t-shirt company called Norn Iron Tees. I never really feel like I have to tell people I’m gay; I don’t think it’s
really an issue anymore. I kind of look a little bit gay, so I guess people just assume now. I think things are definitely changing here, and that the majority of people here make up for the lack of positive change. Having said that, I had never experienced any homophobia in England, and it was quite shocking to have homophobic remarks directed at me in N. Ireland. It made me want to jump on the next plane back to England! It’s up to us to normalise it, and I guess wearing t-shirts is one way of doing that. I left the church when I first came out because I couldn’t unite the two concepts of being gay and having a faith. The very ‘black and white’ nature of my Christian teaching meant that I struggled to justify my sexuality in my head. It wasn’t until I came back over here that I started trying to understand what the Bible really says about being gay. Personally I really don’t think God minds which part of the sexuality spectrum we’re on, just that we make the most of life and we love others in a way that matters. My brother is very much involved in the church, but one in which the faith is progressive, forward thinking and welcoming of all members of the community. There are certainly a few churches in Belfast that won’t just bake you a cake; they’ll help you eat it! I’ve known loads of people who have been totally ostracised from their families and the church, so I guess I’ve been pretty lucky really. I’m sure there are a lot of teenagers and kids in a similar environment that I grew up in who feel that they can’t come out, or that they can’t address that part of themselves yet. Growing up, I never thought that I could be out later on in life. It’s really good to know that it is possible, and that it isn’t insurmountable. Even if people do ostracise you, they’re not worth having in your life. You will get through it, and you will make good friends. It’s just important to be yourself, and to be true to yourself, because you can’t live for anybody else.
MARTY’S STORY
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Belfast born and bred, we caught up with Marty Kearny and he shared his coming out story with us......
When did you first realise you were gay? I guess I first realized when I knew what GAY meant, I thought yep that’s me all right. In my school every kid from the top sports lad to the ginger kid was called a “fruit” “queer” “fag” etc, but when you were actually gay you couldn’t help but take it to heart, and with those words being associated with being negative, especially when you’re a 12 year old boy it was very scary and worrying when I did first realize. But throughout my school years I was luckier than most, I’d a big brother looking after me, and even though it was never talked about until we were 16 my best friend was also gay so we had each other. What were the circumstances of your first public ‘coming out’? I think the first step is accepting it yourself. I had all those years to get used to it. I was 18 working in the M Club. It gave me a great social life and it was also the first time I started hanging around with people from outside Andersonstown. We would go out on Tuesday nights to the Limelight. One night I left early to go home but took a detour to the Kremlin. I said to myself I’ll go in and ask to use the toilet when I got inside there were about 20 other people, some drag queen was playing the weakest link or something like that with some punters, but all I could think was “look how many other gay people are living in in Belfast”. I only knew two other gay people at the time; my friend from school and myself. The next day I told my friend who I was out with and that’s how it went. As the days went on I would tell more and more people from the M Club, at the time these guys where my best friends and they volunteered to come with me. For a lot of weeks on a Sunday we would go - it just got better and better. I was meting so many new people get-
ting a new-found confidence. I never thought in a million years I’d bump into someone I know, well I did. My Ex-Girlfriend. She was great about it, her sister is also gay and gave me great advice; she advised me to tell my parents before they were told by someone else, she also went on to tell me once they know you won’t care who knows. She was spot on. Did you find it difficult to accept your sexuality? In my early teens yes, all the name calling that every student was called didn’t help, and then with all the stigma in the papers. This will come across as cheesy but television shows like Will & Grace and Willows coming out story line in Buffy started to shine a more positive light on gay people, and at the end of the day I knew my folks would love me no matter what. Right up until a few years ago I use to think my life would be better and easier if I where straight, I even wanted kids and on point. Being gay doesn’t define me as a person. I’m just a man who happens to be attracted to other men. Back when I was younger, yes it was hard to accept, now I wouldn’t change it for the world. How did your family react? It started when I was about 17 my mother would ask me, “Are you gay? You don’t talk to me anymore. I’m worried about you. You can tell me anything.” This went on until the day I admitted it at 19. My brother and I were arguing over socks or something as brothers do. He then shouted “ack away and watch your gay porn”, I felt like my knees would buckle and I would die as I knew my mum overheard. God love her she came out of the room and asked what he was on about? I don’t know I replied and went back into my room. I knew they knew it was just a matter of admitting it. So months went by and I was having the time off my life
heading out and meting new friends. But like most mothers mine asks 101 questions. Where are you going? Who with? Who are they? Never heard you talk about them before. Do you want a lift? So and so on. I had to lie and I hated it, and like my ex-girlfriends sister told me tell your parents before someone else does. So the next time my mother asked I told her. It was very emotional we both cried, and again with the 101 questions. Somethings parents just shouldn’t know. I asked her to not to tell my dad but she said they don’t have secrets, He came in from work and she told him, he knocked on my bed room and told me he loved me and to be honest he’s glad that’s all it was but also to give them time to adjust. And again even though they said they knew, for them they still need time to adjust. And adjust they did. I’m so proud off my folks I’m so lucky to have them, and my brother and sisters also never an issue. I did hear however that sometimes my brother and cousins got teased about having a “gay” in the family, but I didn’t care I was an out and proud gay man at 19 loving life Has anyone’s opinion changed of you since you came out? No. Not that I know of. What are the most important things in your life? My family I have great love and support from them and it’s true what they say; family is the most important thing. But I know not everyone is as lucky as me, That’s why some people make their own family, I’ve a family outside my family; my two best friends Stephen and Spud, brothers from other mothers. And of course my health, I’m lucky to be able to travel and go do the things I enjoy; the gym, the cinema, and socialize - we take our health for granted. We don’t know how lucky we are.
HUGH’S STORY
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Hugh first realised he was gay when he was in primary school. This small town boy found coming out a big deal but now he’s doing well for himself...
When did you first realise you were gay? I would say I first realised I was gay when I was in primary seven. I knew I had a vey strong attraction to the other boys in my class but not so much the girls. When I was about to start secondly school it was so surreal because I knew I was gay and I knew what gay was but I just wasn’t ready to come out. Tell us about your coming out experience? It wasn’t a great experience if I’m being quite honest. I come from a small town called Magherafelt. It’s the sort of place where everyone knows everyone and they all like to talk. I came out when I sixteen right after finishing fifth year at school. It was scary because I didn’t know anyone else who was like me. I felt very alone at the time. Who did you tell first, and how did they react? The first person I told was my best friend Karen. I didn’t know how she would react but in the end she was so happy and positive about the whole thing. She had never had a gay best friend before so in her words “Love It!” I love her to absolute pieces. Even after all this time she’s still very protective and supportive of me. Was coming out a big deal for you, or did it feel natural? For me coming out as gay was a massive deal. It didn’t feel natural, I suppose it felt more like a relief than anything else that from then on I was able to come out and be myself. I knew there was going to be dark days ahead of me and I wasn’t ready for that to happen at sixteen. Did you find it difficult to accept your sexuality? I did find it difficult. I tried to push it off. I had a girlfriend for a while but when it came to being more intimate
with her I just couldn’t. It would have felt like I was taking advantage her just to cover my tracks so that no one would know I was a gay man. In the past I did meet some beautiful looking woman but it didn’t do anything for me, if you know what I mean. How did your family react when they learned you were gay? My father hated me for years after I came out. Our relationship was done by that stage anyway. To be honest we didn’t have all that strong of a father-son bond because of issues other than me being gay. We are still working on those issues and trying to find a compromise, but we do get on a bit better now. Has anyone’s opinion changed of you since you came out? Of course it has. Unfortunately there was a lot of people in my life who turned their backs on me because of who I am, but at the same time a lot of people have since replaced them who are so much more supportive and loving. Did you ever feel the need to seek professional help? When I started to become very depressed, when I started selfharming more and more, and having more and more suicidal thoughts, I decided to go and get some help. So I opened up to a councillor to get my issues out there and get them resolved. I would advise anyone who is struggling to do the same. It really does help. Thanks to my counsellor and with the support of my family and friends it turned out to be a really amazing experience. It really got me back onto my feet. Where do you live? How accepting are people there of LGBT people? I’ve just recently moved to Belfast from Derry. Belfast is pretty good
at accepting the LGBT community. There are still the odd few who aren’t okay with it but I think you find that no matter where you go. It’s not a problem that’s exclusive to Northern Ireland! Do you have a life motto? I do! This is going to sound really cheesy but my motto is “Be happy, stay strong, you are irreplaceable.” During the bad times I couldn’t be the person I wanted to be, I wasn’t free to be myself, but now I’m out and proud and I don’t let anything stop me. I go with the flow and I’m not afraid of doing the things that make me happy. And if something makes me happy I do it regardless of what anyone else thinks or what opinion they might have. Just so long as my actions don’t hurt the ones I love, that would be the only thing to make me stop and think twice. What are the most important things in your life? The most important thing in my life is my foundation, which is my family. My mother, my father, my brother and my sister, but my mother most of all because of everything she’s done for me. And I would be lost without my friends Karen, Lauren, Edel, Andrew, Caolan, Darren, Steven and Paul. I owe a huge amount too to The Rainbow Project Derry. The Rainbow Project have been there for me for the last four years when I needed them most, through the good times and the not so good times, and they have never left my side. What do you do for a living? What’s your dream job? I work in a health and leisure centre at the moment. But a dream job would be working on stage as a performer. If that never happens I would love to open my own drama school for children with learning difficulties. As someone who suffers in a very similar way I know how tough and isolating that can be.
JAMES’ STORY
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James knew he was gay since he was small. He’s had the usual ups and downs, but this Belfast lad is about to achieve his life-long dream of jetting off with British Airways...
When did you first realise you were gay? I always knew I was gay. Ever since I was very young I knew I was a little bit different. I didn’t play with Action Men, but my mum was a childminder so I would play with the dolls of any of the little girls she minded. I grew up surrounded by a lot of girls and women, but my best friend who lived next door was a boy. Tell me about your coming out experience? I came out to my close friend Stephanie when I was 17. I was on my lunch break with her in school. It felt like I had reached the stage where I needed to tell someone, and I trusted her with my life. It took me a very long time to say “I’m gay,” whenever I talked about it to people I always said “I liked boys,” I never said “I’m gay.” How did they react when you told them? I came out to my close friend first of all. I guess she already knew. I came out to the rest of my friends a month later, then my mum about a half a year later. It was the biggest weight of my chest. I was so relieved. I was really emotional, but I wasn’t as emotional as I thought I would be because I guessed she already knew. I was so much happier after coming out. I was like a totally different person. Coming out made me the person I am now. It took a while but I am so much more confident. I’m really glad I did it. Was coming out a big deal for you or did it feel natural? It was definitely a big deal. I had a girlfriend when I was very, very young. We kissed, and I did fancy her, but it never felt right. There was a boy
in my year who I really fancied when I came out; he was gorgeous, really tall, and really nice arms. He was so sexy, and he had the best smile. That summer we flirted with each other non stop, but it was just banter. Did you find it difficult to accept you were gay? Yeah, I did. I felt like it was so different to what I knew. No one else was gay but me and I was scared of their reaction. I knew my friends would be supportive, but I found it really hard to tell my best friend Stephen because we were so close, even though he is straight. Coming out to him was the biggest relief of all. He knew as well so he acted as normal. His family became my second family after that. How did your family react when they learned you were gay? I thought my mum would have been fine, and she was, but I knew it would be harder with my dad because we were so close. I love him, and we do get on, and he is really comfortable being around gay people, but I didn’t feel like I could tell him. It’s so much different when it’s personal for you. Mum said she knew I was gay, but she didn’t want to show it. But for dad it was a real shock. It was a really tough couple of months, especially since mum felt stuck in the middle between me and Dad. I didn’t stay in my house a lot, I stayed with my fiends, and I didn’t really socialise with my immediate family during that time. But I was about to start a new job after leaving school and I wanted to be me. Has anyone’s opinion of you changed since you came out? No, I honestly feel like my family and friends love me more for being who
I truly am than for living in secret. They wouldn’t have wanted me to be in the closet, and I was so miserable right up until I came out. Did you ever feel the need to seek professional help? I didn’t feel like I had very much gay support, but since coming out I’ve made so many gay friends that have helped me in so many ways. Where do you live? How accepting are people there of LGBT people? I live in North Belfast. I have never once encounteered homophobia in the streets. I’m always really affectionate when I’m on a date. I don’t mind holding hands and kissing in public, and no one has ever said anything to me. But you have to be sensible about these things. I feel comfortable enough being gay in Belfast because it’s my home town. I know it’s not perfect but nowhere really is. It could be a lot worse. I don’t actually know anyone that’s been gaybashed. I’m about to move to London to work as cabin crew for British Airways. I’m not worried about being openly gay in public in London. What are the most important things in your life? Having positive and loving people in your life is the most important thing to me. Genuine, generous, loving people, lots of family and friends are the best. Being productive keeps you stable. It’s really important to have good and achievable life goals, but your goals have to be realistic. There’s no point wanting a ten bed house in New York City. British Airways is a great stepping stone for me.
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