7 minute read
BAD BESTIES AND FORGOTTEN FRIENDS
There are a million articles on how to get over a break-up right? There is crying and watching rom-coms, eating an entire pint of ice-cream or drinking an entire bottle of wine. Your nearest and dearest are all telling you that it’s okay because they just weren’t the one.
But what about friendship break-ups? In theory you aren’t committed to them, there’s no real ‘break-up’, but it hurts just the same – if not more. Most of the time there is no real ‘end’, there is no closure and there is nobody sitting telling you that they wern’t the one. I mean sure, there’s all the quotes saying that ‘some people are in your life for a reason, others only for a season’, or ‘with friends like that who needs enemies’, or the less poetic ‘you’re better off without them’. Do you ever take the time to really grieve it? Does anyone give you the space or support to?
Friend break-ups can be messy. Especially close friend breakups. This was a person you went to when you needed to cry about breakup breakups, and who fiercely took your side. Who knew your dreams and showed up at the milestone achievements for them. Who had met your family, who knew about their dramas and had maybe even witnessed the dramas. Who you loved at one point, who loved you at one point, and maybe that love is still there but they aren’t.
Friendship breakups can happen for all kinds of reasons, so let’s talk about them.
The first, and probably most dramatic is the messy breakup. Your friend has stabbed you in the back. They have lied to you about something important, they’ve tried to get with your partner, or they’ve had one too many drinks and gotten physical. Whatever the reason, this one is fast ending, we-re over, mic-drop and over-the-topmovie walk away type moment. This one can be the easiest because you know that they are not a good friend immediately, and that you are better off. However, it is also the hardest because how could they? This person that you knew so well, that knew you so well, that you trusted, just betray you like that? Did you ever know them at all? How could you not see it coming? The betrayal might’ve hit quick but the questions might leave you spiralling for months. All this love is there, but for who they were, not who they are, and you have absolutely nowhere to put it. It sucks. I hate to be cliché, but in this situation, you are better off without them, and with friends like that who needs enemies. At the same time, let yourself grieve the friend that you did have, before they showed their true colours, if you need to. Try to take the high road. I know that it is unbelievably tempting to tell every man and his dog about the time they got the clap off that one-night-stand, or post on Facebook about how horrible they are, but don’t stoop to their level. You’re better than that. Remember the good times, but don’t forget the bad and move on with your life anyway, with your new friends, who will come, and who won’t hurt you.
The next type is the one where they just aren’t that good of a friend, and you have to walk away. Maybe they always show up 30 minutes late to see you, or they only talk about themselves the entire time you are together. Maybe they are missing big moments in your life because they need to wash their turtle or some equally terrible excuse. This one usually develops slowly over time and might be worth a quick conversation and trying to mend before calling it quits, the friend might not even realise it. If you have had the conversation, and nothing has changed, or this behaviour has been going on for years and you just haven’t noticed, walking away can be an extremely difficult thing to do. You love them, but you hate how you feel when you are with them or the things they do. You don’t have to have a ‘break-up talk’, it doesn’t have to be a big thing. You can simply be busy if they try meet up, or if the problem is that it is always you reaching out, then you can just stop. You’ll have more time to spend with the people that actually make you feel good about yourself.
We just want different things. You might have met in primary school, high-school, uni or even work but as you’ve grown you may have realised that you have grown out of the lifestyle you had when you became friends, or they have. One of you wants to go to the club on a Saturday night and one of you just wants to watch strictly and be in bed by ten. Alternatively, it can be more of a values thing, they strongly believe in something that you feel strongly against, or maybe they just keep doing things that you just don’t agree with. Regardless of specifics, you two are just becoming increasingly incompatible as friends. It can be good to reminisce about the old times, but if it’s all you can talk about you have a bit of an issue. After all there is only so many times you can talk about that one wild night you had 7 years ago. If you still care though, can hold a conversation, and want to know about their life, this doesn’t have to be over. You can put in the work, find a middle ground, and have a catch-up every once in a while. It can still be upsetting to know the person that was your best friend is now a once in a while friend, but you don’t have to lose them entirely.
The final type is the most common, widely experienced by all, we just grew apart. Maybe one of you has moved away and you have lost contact, or it’s a similar situation to above but you just don’t seem to talk anymore. You watch their life on Instagram and you found out they were engaged with the rest of Facebook, and aren’t holding your breath for an invite to the wedding. The worst part about this one is that it’s usually the friends you make when you’re a bit younger, it’s the people that helped you grow and shaped you into the person you are today. Somehow you still don’t recognize the person you were when you loved them. You still love them, and wish them well, but you hardly even know them anymore. It gets to a point where it’s been so long that reaching out seems a bit weird, maybe even a bit far-fetched. You never know though, because there is a good chance that they are also watching your life online, feeling the same way, and would be absolutely buzzing to meet up for a coffee or a glass of wine. They might just miss you as much as you miss them.
In most cases, a friendship breakup doesn’t have to happen, it can just be a change in perspective. Just because they’ve been a bit off recently isn’t a reason to walk away, have a conversation. They might not know they have been off or there might be something deeper going on that’s causing them to not have the time to put into the friendship. A little bit of understanding can go a really long way. In other friendships, it might just be that although you were best friends, you don’t have to always be. Re-evaluating the level of friendship might be what is needed to not breakup, but to see each other a bit less and still keep the love. If neither of these is the case, and it has been, or has to be, a break-up, allow yourself to treat it as such. Cry, think about the good times, watch movies about friendship and have one too many drinks when you’re out because it sucks. But know that in the same way as breakups, you’ll get another friend, a better friend, and you will be just fine.
