Love... with or without labels.

Credit - Megane Herrick

More and more celebrities and people in the spotlight are choosing to stay away from traditional labels –gay, straight, bisexual and all of the other letters. Some people choose not to define themselves as they find it restrictive, some choose to wait as they haven’t quite figured out the right word, the one that fits. Some love labels, and it brings them a sense of comfort and identity. The question is, do we still need labels in today’s society, or are they doing more harm than good?

An abundance of celebrities have chosen not to define themselves, and given us some insights as to why. Kristen Stewart is often referred to as bisexual, but she doesn’t agree. She has said that it took her a while to realise that she could just not use a label, but now she doesn’t. Harry Styles takes a similar approach and has described his views of sexuality as ‘something that’s fun’ but that he ‘hasn’t given it much more thought than that’. He also believes is it something personal, which at the end of the day, it is. Billy Eilish, while she has only publicly dated men, has openly spoken about her attraction to women. She takes the stance of who cares and has made the very valid point of ‘Why can’t we just exist?’ Ariana Grande also shares these sentiments, as she has said she is attracted to both men and women, but chooses not to label it, stating on Twitter that ‘I haven’t before and still don’t feel the need to now’.

As we can see many celebs just don’t feel the need to use a label, but others choose not to label themselves for a different reason – that they view sexuality as an ever changing, fluid spectrum. Kesha is one such celeb, previously identifying as bisexual before changing her mind with the statement ‘I’m not gay, I’m not straight, I don’t know what I am’. Joshua Bassett is also still figuring it out and said that he isn’t going to be ‘rushing to a conclusion’ – he added that ‘There are plenty of letters in the alphabet. Sometimes your letter changes, sometimes you try a different one, other times you realise you’re not what you thought you were, or maybe you always knew’, showing us the true fluidity of sexuality, and why he hasn’t officially labelled himself. Bebe Rexha said that she sees sexuality as fluid and that she doesn’t like being put into a box – she is simply attracted to whoever inspires her – whether that is a boy or a girl. Lizzo refuses labels as she says she doesn’t ‘ascribe to just one thing’ before adding ‘That’s why the colours for LGBTQ+ are a rainbow’ –keeping things black and white doesn’t work for her. Labels do come with issues. As mentioned by a few of the celebrities above – labels can feel quite boxy, and a bit too definite. Many people think of both gender and sexuality as a spectrum. It isn’t defined in a rigid spot, and can change, grow or move in any direction as people grow. As we change, so to may our attraction, and who we were in the past, isn’t who we have to be in the future. It can also take some time to decide who we are, or what we are attracted to. We all know that some people can come out as one thing, before changing their minds and having to come out all over again as something else. This too can be problematic, as many people first come out as bisexual – creating problems in the bi community as it almost delegitimises their sexuality, and can lead to people thinking of bisexuality as a ‘stop-gap’, rather than an inherent sexual identity. Which brings us nicely onto our next point, labels can almost force people, or make them feel as if they have to ‘come out’. Why do we still feel the need to come out in the first place. Straight people don’t come out, they just tell their friends ‘Hey, I am dating someone new’ – why can’t we all do that, and remove the expectation of ceremoniously announcing who we find sexually attractive? Especially since another issue with labels is that some people can be afraid to take on a label or use one to define themselves – especially if that label is subject to change, or they are only recently questioning and discovering their sexuality. There are also hundreds of different labels with different meanings – it can be quite overwhelming to try and find something that fits with you and how you feel. However, the abundance of different labels is also one of the massive benefits of them. With the variety comes specificity - labels can help to create a clearer definition of sexuality and help those around us to understand us better. We know that turquoise and teal are different colours – but we could describe both as blue green. By having labels that are more nuanced, it creates a deeper, better understanding of identity. A good example of this would be demisexual, cupiosexuals and fraysexual – they all fall under the broad term asexuality, but they are each different and have their own meaning. The different terms help to bring clarity to what matters for each person.

Using a label, choosing to define that aspect of yourself or your identity can be an insanely comforting thing. It can help to further your understanding of who you are, and who you want to be moving forward. Lots of people describe finding the right label as a euphoric experience, or a big sigh of relief. It helps people to develop their own sense of self, and makes them feel like the truest, most authentic version of themselves. In certain instances, finding the right label can help people feel less ‘broken’ – not like they ever were – but especially in terms of things like asexuality, where people didn’t get crushes like their friends, and didn’t understand why. Labels can help people not to feel so alone and it can actually help bring people and communities together – finding friends that experience the same things you do makes people feel seen and safe.

Labels can therefore help you to understand yourself better – that moment where you finally find a definition of what you have been feeling. For a lot of people, defining your sexuality first comes with questioning your sexuality. Labels can be a great tool for this – questioning itself can be used as a label, or heteroflexible for if you aren’t gay, but aren’t necessarily straight either. Those that are maybe feeling unsure could find a label that describes themselves or their feelings better than they could, or in a way they couldn’t necessarily even see before. Finally getting that moment where you find a word that makes you go ‘Oh! That’s what I have been feeling all along!’ Choosing to use a label can also help us to navigate our lives moving forward – from understanding our experiences to communicating our needs and boundaries. Finding the right label can be comforting and affirming and can make people feel a sense of validation surrounding their sexuality. Labels can be fluid, people can change labels whilst in a relationship, a bisexual person is not less bisexual whilst dating a girl or a guy. Some people would consider themselves straight, until their partner comes out as transexual, and they stay together. This doesn’t mean they don’t see or respect their partners authentic self, it can simply mean they love the person in front of them more than they love a label or defining themselves. Ultimately, the person that you connect with, fall in love with and want to spend your life with, or even just a night with, is more important than a label.

Additionally, just because you are one label today, doesn’t mean you can’t have a different label tomorrow. Labels are merely putting a word to a feeling or way of being. If we use feelings, you can be happy today, and angry tomorrow. Or you can go through life always describing yourself as a happy person. None of this has to be fixed. You do not have to be sure to start, you don’t have to be sure of what your ‘label’ is ever. You just have to be sure that you want the person standing in front of you. The best part of us moving forward is that now you get to choose – choose your label, choose not to use one, choose to use a new one if you find a new one that’s a better fit. The only choice that matters is your own.