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WHY GROWLR IS EVERYTHING GRINDR ISN’T.

LET ME BEGIN BY CONFESSING MY GUILTY PLEASURE. I AM A SOCIAL MEDIA WHORE. I’M ESPECIALLY ADDICTED TO LIVE STREAMING. GIVE ME A RING LIGHT, A FILTER, A GUITAR, FOUR CANS OF SPECIAL BREW, TWO MINIATURE BOTTLES OF SMIRNOFF, AND A DECK OF TAROT CARDS, AND I’LL KEEP YOU ENTERTAINED FOR HOURS ON END.

As I turned 46 last month, which is almost 200 years old in gay years, I decided that naturally this would be the perfect time in my train wreck of a life to experiment with makeup and I’m actually getting really fucking good at it if I do say so myself! Granted, when you’re thoroughly shitfaced at 2 in the morning and you’ve got the filters and sparkles goin’ galore and Purple Disco Machine blasting out on Poo Tube who doesn’t think they’re Jeffree Fucking Star eh? In reality, I probably look more like Bernard Manning! But my point is that I come alive on camera and being a huge fan of stand-up comedy there are no shortage of dick jokes and embarrassing sex stories!

You see, apart from being an attention-seeking, morally flexible, self-obsessed, middle-aged, foulmouthed, absolutely zero fucks left, never-hasbeen, I’m also quite the extrovert and I grew up in a highly narcissistic family structure, so as much as I pretend to be interested in you the truth is that I’m genuinely happiest when it’s all about me. What?

Hey, at least I’m being honest! Right? So anywho, despite the fact that I enjoy entertaining people and making them laugh either with me or at me, I’m not bothered either way, (without the filters I’ve got a face like a bag of smashed crabs I really do) in real life I suffer terribly from social phobia, raging agoraphobia, Impostor Syndrome, Schizotypal Personality Disorder (which is about as much fun as two sandpaper dildos covered in sticky back plastic), low self-esteem, anxiety and chronic “Everybody hates me” disorder, and so the image I project in a live stream is very different from the reality! In short, there’s a great deal of turd polishing happening on a regular basis.

Just the other day I was caught out for having a profile picture I took in April of 2015 on my profile which was a tad embarrassing, to say the least, but in my defence, I’m not using Growlr to hookup, get married, or have dinner with your parents, I’m using it to have fun and chat with likemindedpeople. It’s been more than two years since I’ve had sex, or a date, or a cuddle, or a kiss, or any kind of meaningful human contact, so much as I might be criticised for misrepresentation it’s prettyclear when folks come into my live that I’m no fuckin’ Instagram model ffs and I ain’t asking you to pay my bills or put your cock inside me! And besides, it’s Growlr hunny, no one’s calling VOGUE for anyone on that app, and that’s the whole point. It’s a place where fat dudes like me get to feel sexy and have fun without the worry of cunty, sarcastic, highly judgemental little bitch boyz coming for us. I mean have you been on Grindr recently? If you’re over the age of 21 and not perfect it’s brutal! Those bitches will rip you a new asshole faster than Trisha Paytas can eat a mother fuckin’ burrito!

My point is that for those of us who could do with losing a stone or four and who want to hang out with all the boyz and not feel like troglodytes and who don’t necessarily want to hookup for bum fun, Growlr is a far superior app because of the free, easy to use, live streaming (with filters and sparkles when they work) and the fact that it ain’t a beauty contest and so you’re far less likely to have your self-esteem lowered by some obnoxious little cunt who has decided that anyone over the age of 21 is too old to be on social media and should sit in a dark room with a paper bag over their head. Also, what I love about it is that you can play as much music as you want so I frequently crank up a MegaMix of Kylie, Dua, Madonna, and Miley with a bit of Arianna chucked in for good measure or get Purple Disco Machine (who I’d ride like a stolen bike by the by) on the go for an hour or two, which creates a really fun and frisky atmosphere. And you can invite dudes to come in your box (which sounds ruder than it is) so you can have a chit-chat and get a bit social innit. That’s especially good when you are a sad, lonely, bitter, old curmudgeon like me!

So this Halloween, I say fuck Grindr. Sure you might be lucky enough to get your end away but with the right poppers, some JLube, and a decent alien-themed spooky Flesh Light, you can wank away to your heart’s content then live stream and talk about it to random strangers! Just don’t get too fruity or they’ll ban you, (and yes I speak from personal experience - apparently demonstrating how I deep throat using an empty beer bottle goes against community guidelines - BOO!). If Growlr is a bit too tame and you want to watch dudes jerk off or finger their butt holes there’s always U4BEAR which isn’t as good pixel for pixel but do you really need 4K quality when you just want to bust a nut before bedtime? Not really…

Please note, this column is the opinion of the columinst and not that of GNI or Romeo & Julian Publiccations Ltd.