ANTHROPOLOGY and a hundred other stories
QWEGTHIT DAN RHODES
ANTHROPOLOGY and a hundred other stories
QWEGTHIT DAN RHODES CANON
GATE
Edinburgh 路 London 路 New York 路 Melbourne
Thanks to: Tibor Fischer, Lawrence Norfolk, Sheenagh Pugh, Tony Curtis, Stephen Knight, Christopher Meredith and, particularly, W. B. & V. C. Rhodes. This edition published in 2005 by Canongate Books Ltd 14 High Street Edinburgh EH1 1TE This paperback edition published in 2010 By Canongate Books First published in Great Britain in 2000 by Fourth Estate A Division of HarperCollins Publishers Copyright Š Dan Rhodes 2000 The moral right of the author has been asserted
1 All rights reserved A catalogue record for this book is available From the British Library ISBN 978 1 84767 550 7 Printed and bound in Great Britain by Clays Ltd, St Ives plc www.meetatthegate.com
BOOK MAP
22. Well 32. Crying
23. Indifference 1. Anthropology 24. Trouble 25. Naked 33. Lost 2. Lesbian 11.Video 34. Pneumonia
12. Glass
91. Charging 92. Drinking 93. Sleeping
26. Tractor 3. Lipstick
5. Nature
4. Madrid 68. Chemicals 13. Rehearsing
67. Memories 14. Endless
36. Flowers 37. Milestones
94. Horsebox
27. Shipwreck
35. Kangaroo
77. Plain
66. Honest
76. Club
65. Friends
74. Fuji
69. Lilac
79. Expecting 78. Salesman 15. Straight 75. Together 40. Face
39. Bulletin 38.Volcano 56. Tagged
57. Special
55. Kiss
58. Paint
50. Pil
51. Support
9. Pum
54. Knife 52. Proust
10
53. Travel
ANTHROPOLOGY and a hundred other stories
DAN RHODES
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21. History 82. Taxidermy
43. Drawing
42. Groping 83. Laughing
45. Precious
41. Beauty 84. Kissing 48. Toys
c
70. Trick
46. Schnauzer
18. Faithful
85. Binding
81. Jam
59. Dust
99. Spirit
60. Baby 96. Snakes
95. Innocence
88. Pieces
0. Squeals
89.Violins
90. Fight
G
64. Me 101. Ouija
61. Shivers
31. Mould 87. Money
mpkins
62. Museum 100. Eggs
30. Ashes
8. Normal
lot
73. Sailing
63. Coping
6. Sushi
16. Fun 80. Open 7. Noises
17. Truncheon 72. Words
29. Plan 86. Real
49. Stuff
19. Herself
47. Exploring
71. Features
28. Ashes
20. Clever
44. Leaving
Ironic Insensible Apathetic Yperbolic Sad Obsessed Caring Afraid Macabre Strange
97. Hobbies
98. Saving
1-10 IRONIC
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1. ANTHROPOLOGY I loved an anthropologist. She went to Mongolia to study the gays. At first she kept their culture at arm’s length, but eventually she decided that her fieldwork would benefit from assimilation. She worked hard to become as much like them as possible, and gradually she was accepted. After a while she ended our romance by letter. It breaks my heart to think of her herding those yaks in the freezing hills, the peak of her leather cap shielding her eyes from the driving wind, her wrist dangling away, and nothing but a handlebar moustache to keep her top lip warm.
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LESBIAN .2 My girlfriend and I couldn’t decide on a name for our little baby girl. Eventually she took her to the registrar, and said she would think of something on the way. When she returned, I was frantic with anticipation. ‘So what’s she called?’ ‘I called her Lesbian,’ she said, smiling at the bundle in her arms. ‘It’s such a pretty name.’ I asked her what on earth had possessed her. ‘Don’t you know what it means?’ She didn’t, so I explained. The poor thing burst into tears. ‘I didn’t know there were ladies who did that to each other,’ she sobbed.
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3. LIPSTICK The police caught my girlfriend stealing money from a blind beggar. She kept silent, but they tortured her until she admitted that she needed it for lipstick. ‘You have a job,’ they barked. ‘You can afford lipstick.’ ‘I can afford cheap lipstick, but it’s horrible. It’s soapy, and it never lasts.’ Fortunately, one of her interrogators was a woman. ‘She’s right. A girl needs to feel confident about her cosmetics.’ They gave her a caution. As they released her the female officer, overcome with pity, slipped something into my girlfriend’s pocket. A stick of Lancôme. Volcanique. It suits her very well.
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MADRID .4 I was delighted to find a Spanish girlfriend, and celebrated our first anniversary with a surprise trip to her home city. I landed our helicopter in front of the Palacio Real, and took off her blindfold. ‘Where is this?’ she asked, in her lilting Iberian accent. I was surprised that she didn’t recognise such a famous landmark, and suggested she ask a passer-by. She started crying. In a voice I didn’t recognise, she told me she was sorry, that there had been a special offer on sunbeds, and it had seemed like the right think to say at the time.
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5. NATURE Amber suddenly discovered naturism. We went to the supermarket, and people couldn’t help staring at her. She’s very pretty, and the security guards were tooshy to ask her to cover herself up. ‘Darling,’ I whispered, ‘people are looking.’ ‘Let them,’ she replied. ‘I’ve got nothing to be ashamed of.’ She told me she would leave me there and then if I didn’t join her and stop wearing clothes. ‘It goes againt nature,’ she explained. I took off my trousers, and the shoppers jeered at my skinny legs. When, at last, I took off my underpants they waggled their little fingers.
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SUSHI .6 My town has a university, so for nine months of the year there are pretty Japanese girls everywhere. I like to watch them as they walk around. With their little smiling faces and shiny black hair, they seem like such nice people. There's one that's my favourite, and every time I see her I approach her and ask for a quick language lesson, or ask her whether she knows a good place to eat sushi. So far I have learned all the numbers up to twenty- three, and been told several times that the nearest Japanese restaurant is some way away.
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7. NOISES My girlfriend had been employed for ages, but eventually she found some work in an office. Although I couldn't find the courage to say anything, I was worried that her new role in life would come between us. She's been there some time now, and although, she spends most of her working day furtively ringing me up to make kissing noises, I can't help feeling as through she's slipping away from me. The slurps from the other end of the line don't seem as passionate as they could be. It's almost as if her lips had other things on their mind.
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NORMAL .8 After a blazing row, Harmony joined the nuns. 'That's it,' she said. 'I'm joining the nuns.' I was lonely and could hardly sleep, but three days later she escaped and came home. 'It was awful,' she said. 'We had to get up really early, and they made us wear horrible long black dress things and no make-up, and sing all these boring songs.' Thankfully things quickly returned to normal, and now she's back to spending her free time joining in with the adverts on TV, and making me get up from the sofa so she can look for her lighter.
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9. PUMPKINS I told Sapphire I'd always wanted to grow pumpkins; that my dream was to grow one so big that I could hollow it out and sit in it. Then, if it was watertight, I would climb in and float down the river on the carnival day, waving to the children on the shore. She broke off from painting her long nails to tell me I'd be lucky to grow a pumpkin big enough for a dog, let alone a person, and then even if I could there would be no point. I decided she was right. I don't want to grow pumpkins.
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OUIJA .101 Aurelia’s experiment with herbal contraception failed, and we started expecting a baby. We were bpth very excited, and she was so impatient to meet the future member of our family that she decided to make contact through a ouija board. Wary of such things, I stayed out of the way, but when she had finished I was consumed with curiosity. ‘So did the baby spell anything?’ I asked. ‘Well,’ she said. ‘He said he was going to be a boy.’ ‘That’s wonderful. Anything else?’ ‘Yes.’ Overcome with joy she sighed, smiled and patted her bump. ‘He said, “Mummy I love you.”’
Alphabetical Index Anthropology Ashes Baby Beauty Binding Binding Blind Bulletin Bulletin Charging Chemicals Clever Club Coping Crying Drawing Drawing Drinking Dust Eggs Endless Expecting Exploring Face Lipstick Lost Madrid
Me Memories Money Mould Museum Naked Nature Noises Normal Open Ouija Paint Pieces Pilot Plain Plan Pneumonia Precious Proust Pumpkins Real Rehearsing Sailing Salesman Saving Schnauzer Shipwreck
Shipwreck Shipwreck Shivers Sleeping Snakes Special Spirit Squeals Straight Stuff Support Sushi Tagged Taxidermy Together Toys Tractor Travel Trick Trouble Truncheon Video Violins Volcano Well Words
REVIEWS ‘Rhodes articulates everyone’s worst intimacy nightmares… he should be commended for his economy of words and his outrageous humour.’ New York Times ‘Dan Rhodes’s exquisitely crafted stories set up a tiny and fully functioning universe, and then deflate it in a moment. I cannot express to you how much this book delighted me. Go and read it.’ Big Issue ‘Rhodes’s stories have all the punch of a good one-panel cartoon’ Washington Post
REVIEWS ‘Anybody who liked There’s Something About Mary will love Rhodes’s book, and that’s a strange thing to be able to say about a piece of conceptual art.’ LA Weekly ‘Misanthropic, macabre and mordant tales of doomed couplings herald the arrival of Dan Rhodes.’ i-D Magazine ‘Effortless to read, amusing and yet coloured with a deep sadness about the passing of things. In Rhodes’s eccentric emotional world, girlfriends with the improbable names of Azure, Xanthe and Hummingbird hold all the cards.’ Indipendent
BIOGRAPHY Dan Rhodes was born in 1972. Published in 2002, Anthropology was his debut collection. He is the author of Don't Tell Me the Truth About Love, Timoleon Vieta Come Home, The Little White Car (writing as Danuta de Rhodes), Gold and most recently Little Hands Clapping. In 2003 he was named by Granta as one of their twenty Best of Young British Novelists. 'A hilarious exploration of the challenges faced by the faired sex. Despite being written from a male perspective, it will entertain any woman who can laugh at her own foibles. 'The Times 'A great collection, by turns funny, dark and touching.' DAVE GORMAN '101 Stories, all about girlfriends. They cheat, they die, they leave, frequently . . . The funny stories are all the funnier for being brief; the sad ones all the sadder for being sparse. Every one a 20-second gem.' Maxim 'A book you want to hurl from rooftops at passers-by to spread the word.' Uncut
Published in 2013 by
CANON
GATE
qrosA
101 STORIES 101 STOPS
www.danrhodes.co.uk CANON GATE Design and illustrations: Laura Musso