FamilyLife - March 2020 by Lawrence Ambrocio

Rainy day activities

Tasty bars

Kids conquered fear

FamilyLife

MUNCH EM UP!

March 2020

March Contents

ADVICE

ORGANIZE

FOOD

ON THE COVER

17 Say Goodbye to Dawdling

41 Touch of Life

75 Ready to play?

20 Baby Steps

FEATURES

Photography by Roberto Caruso Food styling by Ashley Denton Prop styling by Catherine Doherty

24 Helping Kids Conquer Fears

55 Coronavirus: What parents need to know

IN EVERY ISSUE

27 Rainy Day Rescues 31 When Your Child Is in the Hospital

12 Editor's Letter

61 Emotional labour was 78 eroding my marriage—this is Last Look how we tried to fix it

37 Mindfulness for Moms

Family Life ‐ March 2020

Editor's Letter

Milestones of ages This month brings a milestone birthday. I’ve been reflecting on the past decade as I prepare to enter the next and taking stock of where I am and where I thought I’d be. The past 10 years have brought many expected and unexpected events. During my 40s I was thick in parenting mode, which I expected. My dad passed during my 40s, which I didn’t expect. The girls became teens, which I expected, but I didn’t expect the high school years to go so quickly! In a few short years I’ll be an empty nester! My mom has said as she grew older that her wish on each birthday was that she could choose one of her children and spend the day with that child at whatever age she wanted. For example, if she chose me, she could spend the day with me when I was 5. She would stay the same age, she just wanted to enjoy one more day with each of us at different ages. How nice would that be? My wish would be to go back and relive certain days. I’d love to go back and have one more day with my dad. We wouldn’t have to do anything special—I just miss him. I would enjoy spending a day with brother Bud when we were young before there were more siblings. I wish I could do again the day I met Ty. Two of my best days were the days the girls were born, and I would love to enjoy those one more time. The list of days I’d like to relive is long. I consider that a great life: to have had so many moments that I’d like to do one more time. My hope for the next 50 years is for many more of those days.

Pamela Hayford Editor In-Chief

March 2020 - Family Life

FamilyLife EDITOR IN-CHIEF Pamela Hayford EXECUTIVE EDITOR Suzanne Moutis CREATIVE DIRECTOR Karen Paddon EDITORIAL OPERATIONS & ASSISTANT BUSINESS MANAGER Olga Goncalves Costa TEST KITCHEN FOOD DIRECTOR Soo Kim SENIOR FOOD ASSOCIATE Stina Diös CONTRIBUTING FOOD SPECIALISTS Donna Borooah, Cara Tegler ART DEPUTY ART DIRECTOR Lena Diaz ASSOCIATE ART DIRECTOR Sarah Big Canoe CONTRIBUTING ART DIRECTOR Leanne Gilbert PRODUCTION SPECIALIST Genevieve Pizzale EDITORIAL SENIOR FEATURES EDITOR Megan Howard FEATURES EDITOR Mary Levitski COPY EDITORS Debbie Madsen Villamere, Stephanie Zolis EDITORIAL ASSISTANTS Marianne Davidson, Sarah Dziedzic HOME & GARDEN HOME & STYLE DIRECTOR Ann Marie Favot DESIGN EDITOR Morgan Lindsay NATIONAL ACCOUNTS MANAGERS, TORONTO David Lawrence, John McDowell, Nicole Rosen, Roberta Thomson NATIONAL ACCOUNTS MANAGER, MONTREAL Ingrid Barfod NATIONAL ACCOUNT MANAGER, VANCOUVER Renee Wong BRAND OPERATIONS MANAGER Terry Smith

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Family Life ‐ March 2020

Advice

Say Goodbye to Dawdling

By ALLISON GIBESON

Family Life ‐ March 2020

Advice My husband and I recently told our 6-year-old son he needed to clean off his Lego table because it was getting a little out of control. Yet let’s face the hard truth: Who really likes sorting out tiny Legos into plastic bins according to like type? Not me. No spoiler alert to say our son hadn’t made any progress when we came back to check on him. Fun task or not—whether it’s cleaning off the Lego table, doing homework or getting ready in the morning —teaching kids to stop dawdling and learn the life skill to maintain their focus and productivity is quite a task. So how do we speed them up when they have slowed down? “Sometimes [dawdling] has to do with a child’s need for autonomy or to have control over their environment,” says Kerri Gray, a local mom, marriage and family therapist, and Love and Logic instructor. Gra says when you tell a strong-willed child to hurry up, he will often do the exact opposite and slow down. Instead of simply telling the child to speed up, she has more success in providing children with choices. For example, if you are at the park and need to leave within 10 minutes, instead of simply telling the child it is time to go, ask him if he’d like to leave right then or in 10 minutes. Both options work for you and involve leaving within the necessary time frame, but having the option gives the child a sense of being in control. The key is giving the child a choice of two things, both of which are acceptable to you. Gray says it is helpful to try to share control as much as possible with the child in a way that doesn’t create a problem for you as the parent. Sometimes, the task the child is procrastinating might simply not be fun. After all, we adults don’t always like cleaning our rooms either. “Kids tend to drag their feet and procrastinate for similar reasons we as adults do,” Gray says. In cases like cleaning off our son’s Lego table, Gray suggests helping the child break down the task into more manageable and fun steps. Children don’t always know how to do that on their own.

March 2020 - Family Life

In retrospect, we could have first told our son to take everything off the table that wasn’t a Lego and put those items away. After that, we could have given him a short break for a few minutes to do something fun. Next, we could have had him put all the Legos in a pile and open up all his Lego bins followed by another short break. Finally, he could have come back and actually sorted all the Legos into the respective bins. In the end, when children learn how to speed up completing daily tasks, they will have more time to play and enjoy the more interesting aspects of each day. Getting it done on time Consider these tips to help with hassle-free productivity in your home. Provide options. Is your child procrastinating writing thank you cards? Instead of saying, “Go write the thank you cards,” try, “Would you like to write the thank you to your grandma or best friend first?” Break down complicated tasks into manageable steps. Cleaning up a messy room can be overwhelming. Instead of “Go clean your room,” try starting with, “Bring all the dirty clothes to the laundry room.” Don’t always assume they know how to complete the task. A child might not know all the steps to get ready for school in the morning. To remedy this, take pictures of the child completing each step and post in a prominent place. Let them learn from natural consequences. Being late to or missing a fun activity altogether because kids haven’t completed daily life tasks might be the best tool to help increase their speed.

Advice

Baby Steps By WILLIAM R. BARTLETT

March 2020 - Family Life

Advice

“James, do you want to go to a meeting tonight?” I wanted to attend and Sandi agreed that it would be good for him. Although he’s comfortable with his social circle of family, church, and horseback riding, we stretch his boundaries whenever we can. “It’s about Tolkien.” He raised his eyes from his tablet. “We’ll have pizza.” “Oh… Well… Yes, of course.” A few hours later, we parked near the restaurant while I gave him the usual autism spectrum admonitions: don’t interrupt, don’t ask other people about their religion, and don’t touch anyone. I took a deep breath before we entered. James doesn’t like noisy situations and this popular restaurant on a Friday night would be anything but sedate. I opened the door, and the clamor hit us like a wall, but he stayed calm and followed me to the greeter. “We’re here for the meeting.” She gave us a friendly smile. “Follow me.” The president saw us first. “Hi, James, Bill. Find a table and order something. We’ll start in a few minutes.” He relaxed beside me while I stayed on guard for his protection and others. I needn’t have. James transformed from the quiet, young man I knew, becoming bright and cheerful. He interacted with the other members, listened intently to the speakers, and asked insightful questions. He wasn’t perfect, but, then, none of us are. I enjoyed the meeting far more than I thought I would. Gone was my willful child, petulant and demanding, replaced with a young man, his face animated as he interacted appropriately (for the most part) with other adults who shared his interest in the magical realm of this author. I often worry about James and his future. But, I’m gaining confidence as I watch him progress. One small step at a time.

Family Life ‐ March 2020

Advice

Helping Kids Conquer Fears By MELISSA BELLACH Wonderful creativity and imagination fill a child’s mind. “Some days, I can hardly keep up with the games of let’s pretend. We are monsters, we are princesses, we are playing family. Their minds move so fast and they have so many ideas,” says Gaye Wayne, Shawnee mom. But fear can creep into these exciting bouts of imagination. It is common for children to be afraid, especially of the unknown. Many youngsters develop a fear of the dark, a fear of being alone or even a fear of new people. Many parents worry whether their children’s fears are normal. They’re concerned about their child’s ability to overcome those fears and often worry that fears will translate into timid behaviors later in life. Whether kids tremble at the suspicion of monsters under the bed or in the face of new green vegetables on their dinner plates, parents can successfully help young children navigate the waters of fear. Here are a few reminders for when the fear feels overwhelming:

March 2020 - Family Life

Advice

Be patient. Some fears are a result of an actual experience that was upsetting for a child, while others come from their imaginations. Either way, a considerable amount of time may be required for a child to overcome a particular fear. The key to a child’s overcoming a fear is for it to be the right time for the child. “We did everything to help our daughter get over her fear of the dark,” Debbie Stokes, Overland Park mom, says. “It felt like she would never feel safe at night. Then, after it seemed we had tried everything, one night, she just fell asleep. And it hasn’t been a big deal since then. I think she just had to work through her fears and outgrow it on her own.” Be patient and understanding; offer support and safety. When your child is ready, the fear will be a thing of the past.

Lead by example. Our kids watch everything we do. “It is amazing how much I notice about my kids that they picked up from my husband and me,” says Allison Wallace, Olathe mom. “Some of it good, some not as good. But it just really makes me realize how much they pay attention!” Having fears as an adult is perfectly acceptable, but it is essential for us parents to demonstrate healthy ways to deal with those fears. Show your children that, even if things are frightening, trying is valuable. Emphasize the importance of trying again when things don’t go your way and emphasize to kids that there’s no shame in admitting they are frightened.

Give them control. One element that can increase the feeling of fear in children is a lack of control. “When my son feels like he doesn’t have a choice, it can be a lot tougher to convince him to try things. He wants to have a choice, just like adults,” says Robyn Bennington, Kansas City, MO, mom. Although choices aren’t always possible, you usually can inject options into most situations. For example, if your child is afraid of the dark and you want to encourage sleeping with the light off, give the choice of adding a night light or sleeping with the closet light on. That allows your child to feel some control of the situation while you still turn out the main lights.

If your child’s fear seems overwhelming, you may want to discussing it with your pediatrician. Some warning signs include: Extreme fear or a fear that seems inappropriate for age. Fear that leads to self-harm. Fear that causes physical symptoms, such as stomachaches or headaches. Fear that prevents your child from age-appropriate activity.

Family Life ‐ March 2020

Advice

Rainy Day Rescues

It’s only Wednesday. You’ve constructed your 10th Play-Doh snake, watched every episode of Daniel Tiger’s Neighborhood and witnessed your toddler run his fifth lap around the kitchen. And it still hasn’t stopped raining outside. Rainy days make us adults restless, which means they definitely take a toll on our energetic kiddos. If you’re stuck inside and in need of a few fresh ideas to occupy your stir-crazy kids, look no further. I started a Pinterest board years ago for moments like these. You may think you’ve already tried absolutely every activity imaginable, but you’d be surprised what simple pastimes you haven’t thought of yet. By LAUREN GREENLEE

Family Life ‐ March 2020

Advice

Organize an indoor treasure hunt Make a list of “treasures” for your children to find around the house. They’ll be up and moving (bonus) and distracted focusing on their search. Don’t make the list too complicated—just enough to wear them out a little before lunch.

Bake Flip through your cookbook for simple recipes your little ones can help with. Baking is a great way to kill time and keep the kitchen smelling great, which improves everybody’s mood.

Have a mini yoga session After your dance party, pull out the yoga mats for a calming yoga session in the living room. Play relaxing classical music or find a yoga instruction YouTube channel to play from your tablet.

Create an indoor obstacle course If you happen to have a mini trampoline, tee-pee tent, a bunch of pillows and a retractable tunnel (just a few examples), create a fun and resourceful obstacle course for your kiddos to run through.

Make sock puppets What better way to utilize all of your mismatched socks than to make some sock puppets and then put on a puppet show?

Clean the playroom Although also a chore, this activity tends to get kids excited about old toys they’ve forgotten. I try to store away separate containers of random toys to switch out when my son gets bored with what’s already in his playroom. So far, it has worked like a charm.

Throw a living room dance party “Alexa, play the ‘Baby Shark’ remix!” Clear a spot in the middle of the floor for the kids to get their wiggles out. Our top three dance party tunes right now are “Who Let the Dogs Out,” “If You’re Happy and You Know It” and “Shake It Off.”

Dig out the old photo albums and memorabilia My son loves random “treasures” almost more than his own toys. Sorting through random boxes in storage is one of our new rainy day pastimes. We find old photos, treasures, toys, decorations and more.

Play dress-up Lately, my 4-year-old loves digging through the laundry basket to put random articles of clothing on his head or trying our giant shoes on. Make a game out of it and find old hats, shoes, big clothes and other accessories to play dress-up. Take funny photos and make a collage.

A few quick, at-a-glance activities: Make your own play dough. Try plastic bottle bowling. Dye paper. Make masks. Create and play with sensory bins. Splash at a water table. Build a block tower. Make a race track. Craft your own storybooks. Paint. Make DIY shaving cream. Melt crayons. Build a fort. Have a toy car race. Play board games. Fold paper airplanes.

March 2020 - Family Life

Advice

When Your Child Is in the Hospital

Amanda Connealy will never forget her daughter Olivia’s first hospital stay two years ago. She was admitted following a massive seizure, and the stay lasted just over three months. “We were scared out of our minds and worried for Olivia, of course,” says Connealy, a Lenexa mom of four. “Every moment was filled with hopeful anticipation for good news, but instead, it seemed like the prognosis just kept getting worse.” The devastating seizure that her “sweet, quirky” youngster experienced led to a life-altering brain injury called global cerebral hypoxic-ischemic injury. Diagnosed with intractable epilepsy, Olivia, now 8, continues to battle seizures that refuse to come under control with treatment. She has been hospitalized six times since that initial stay. By CHRISTINA MELNYK HINES

Family Life ‐ March 2020

Advice

Lean on community.

Manage fears.

Connealy immediately turned to her faith community for support and started a Facebook group called “The Lord Is Her Shepherd.” Through the group, she asks for prayers and keeps concerned family and friends informed. She shares Olivia’s progress and setbacks, as well as her own worries and frustrations.

Although pediatric hospitals focus on creating a welcoming environment for their young patients, it’s normal for kids to feel anxious.

“Putting what’s running through my mind into words helps to rein in the thoughts that aren’t productive or even accurate,” Connealy says. “The comments people leave on my posts—and I read every single one of them—offer me encouragement and consolation that so often carries me from one moment to the next.”

What to pack. Bring your insurance card, photo ID and method of payment. You’ll also need a list of any medications your child is currently on and immunization records. For yourself, pack toiletries (including moisturizing hand lotion, shampoo/conditioner), warm socks with rubber bottoms and comfortable clothes. “Items like a journal, magazines, electronic devices are nice to have on hand as well,” Stover says. “Letting your child choose familiar items from home like a favorite stuffed animal or special activities will help them feel more in control.” Deb Clem-Buckert’s daughter Jaiden, now 19, went into the hospital for a week in 2014 after she started spitting up blood. Clem-Buckert says Jaiden was eventually diagnosed with Ehlers-Danlos syndrome and superior mesenteric artery syndrome. Since then, hospital stays for the Olathe teen have ranged from several days to weeks at a time. “It really helps to have as much of home as you can in the hospital—bedding, pillows, towels,” Clem-Buckert says. “We even learned to bring our own toilet paper and tissues.”

March 2020 - Family Life

“If they seem scared or worried, ask them about their feelings and provide truthful explanations,” says Missy Stover, CCLS, assistant director of Patient and Family Support Programs, Children’s Mercy Hospital. “Young children sometimes need reassurance that they didn’t do anything wrong to cause their illness.” Jennifer Sauer, Blue Springs, used a doll that the Children’s Mercy child life team gave to her son Jack, now 4, to help explain upcoming procedures as he awaited a life-saving kidney transplant. Jack had been undergoing daily dialysis since he was only 1 because of kidney failure. “His ‘Super Buddy’ doll has a port like him,” Sauer says. “For example, when prepping him for his biopsy surgery, we explained in basic terms what the team would be doing prior to and during his procedure.” If your youngster is frightened about getting a shot or an IV, Stover suggests putting your child on your lap, practicing deep breathing or playing on an iPad during the procedure. “Parents can also ask the provider for a topical medicine to numb the skin so the child won’t feel the poke as much,” Stover says.

Advice

Inquire about amenities.

Advocate.

Ask health care providers where you can access food and entertainment.

Because the onslaught of information can be overwhelming, Sauer says she always feels better if another adult loved one or friend is in the room.

“Pediatric hospitals do a good job of making kids feel comfortable and trying to entertain them with activities and tutoring,” Clem-Buckert says. She also advises asking nurses about available programming and crafts to help your child get involved and pass the time. She was especially delighted when they discovered an area outside the chapel where they could get fresh air.

Ask for help. Friends and family are often more than willing to help run errands or sit with your child. “I always want Jack to have someone he knows and trusts with him at all times—even when I run down to get food,” Sauer says. Because Sauer’s husband, Geoff, was undergoing surgery himself across town to provide the kidney for Jack’s transplant, he was unable to provide the support he normally would have during their son’s first few days in the hospital. Thankfully, extended family stepped in to help both Geoff in his recovery from surgery and Jennifer as she oversaw Jack’s recovery. Both father and son are doing well!

March 2020 - Family Life

“I firmly believe in having more eyes and ears to see and hear things the clinical team may be telling us,” she says. As the voice for your child, you can also ensure he receives the treatment he needs on time. “I adore and fully trust the Children’s Mercy Hospital team, but you’re still your child’s only advocate, and he’s in there for a life-saving treatment, so I’m constantly—in a nice way—making sure the meds being administered are correct and on time. Working in a hospital myself may make me a bit more annoying in that way!” laughs Sauer, who works as an executive assistant for a physicians group at Saint Luke’s.

Try to stay upbeat. “I know it’s scary, but as the parent, try your best to stay calm, comforting and positive,” Sauer says. “You are the biggest factor in trying to set the tone to help put your child at ease, and in turn, that can help you.”

Advice

Mindfulness for Moms

Most moms I meet feel like they’re juggling too many things at once and always dropping the ball. Between carpools and driving duties, weeknight lessons and sporting events that eat up full weekends, plus work, committee meetings, volunteering and the mental load of housework that, statistically speaking, still tends to land in the woman’s court, is it any wonder so many moms feel chronically distracted and mentally scattered? Most of us know we need to ask for help and learn to say no more often to preserve a bit of sanity and blank space in our schedules. But we’d also do well to say yes to an ancient practice that has never gone out of style: mindfulness. Here are three ways busy moms can put a momentary halt to the crazy juggling act and enhance their daily lives with more mindfulness. If you, like I, crave an infusion of “serenity now,” try adopting one of these ideas for a week and see if it takes. Even a few mindful minutes—morning, noon or night, the choice is yours—can be a rejuvenating rest in an otherwise topsy-turvy day. By WENDY CONNELLY

Family Life ‐ March 2020

Advice

Mindful Mornings If you’re an early bird, mindfulness is abundantly found in the still hours just before the break of dawn. This is an ideal time to journal about your dreams, practice a sun salutation yoga routine or begin the day in a sacred text enjoying a steamy tea or coffee. Because you’ve just awakened from sleep, your brain is in its most receptive and refreshed state. Luxuriate in an early moment of solitude before you greet the day, and allow your day to greet you.

Mindful Meals Meals provide a gentle pause within our days, yet so often we neglect them. We eat grab-and-go style, shoving food into our faces and never bothering to even sit down, sometimes foregoing food altogether. But meals are a traditional time to stop and pray, giving thanks for the food that sustains us in life. Few things are more mindful than saying a grateful blessing, enjoying the sensory awareness of taste and smell, and savoring a meal with people we love.

Mindful Bedtimes Bedtime routines are common when kids are young, but do you enjoy a bedtime ritual all your own? Reading a book is a mindful activity when you truly focus on each word until your eyes lose focus and you have to bat them to stay awake. My favorite bedtime ritual is listening to an Audible book on sleep mode, the narrator’s voice trailing off and guiding me toward the land of nods. And at night, repetitive prayers like the rosary or a mantra can woo your weary brain into a blissful state of mindful calm.

March 2020 - Family Life

Organize Touch of Life This Australia Rental Apartment Wows With a Burgundy Kitchen and Bold Blue Tiled Bathroom

Family Life ‐ March 2020

Samuel Clarke, Melbourne-based furniture buyer and Creative Director for Valiant, invites you inside his Flemington home. One of nine residences in a cleverly converted former refrigeration factory, the double level, three-bedroom home features large open-plan living with original wall-to-wall factory windows. “It was one of the first things I fell in love with; all that natural light streaming through those beautiful louver windows! I knew my plant babies would be very happy there,” says Samuel.

March 2020 - Family Life

Samuel, raised in Adelaide, Australia, has been working in the world of Interiors for the last seven years, and most recently with Valiant as the Buyer and Creative Director of their Interiors, Events and Corporate furniture hire and styling services. “I love what I do with Valiant. As one of the leading furniture hirers in Australia, the furniture I design and purchase is bought with a view to be used again and again, in a range of different event and interior schemes, resulting in endless opportunities to create unique spaces whilst reducing waste and strengthening the growing circular economy.”

March 2020 - Family Life

In the large open plan living area, a restored Art Deco twelveseater dining table flanks the plant-filled windowsill, providing the set for the many dinner parties hosted. The lounge seating is centered around the record player and the evolving record collection, and the large breakfast bar plays host to many a morning fry-up.

Samuel initially moved in to his home with friends, who, with the blessing from their landlord, joined forces to transform the space. “When we moved in, every wall was a different primary color. It was enough to give anyone a migraine! We started off by painting the walls a crisp white, updating the window dressings, changing the kitchen handles, and removing the chunky fridge casing to open up the kitchen to make it a more functional, social space. Being a rental, I knew I had to work with the bones of the mid ’90s renovations, but I didn’t want to go too far with the industrial style. I chose a muted color palette to work alongside the bold blue and burgundy of the kitchen, and softened the corrugated metal with some rich 1970s shapes and textures. I believe the resulting look is playful and collected without being too ‘eclectic.’”

March 2020 - Family Life

“Creativity is an area in which younger people have a tremendous advantage, since they have an endearing habit of always questioning past wisdom and authority.” – Bill Hewlett

Family Life ‐ March 2020

Coronavirus: What parents need to know We have updates and answers as the discovery of the first case in North America adds to fears of a global coronavirus outbreak. By WENDY GLAUSER

Family Life ‐ March 2020

What we know about coronavirus right now The new coronavirus—also known as 2019-nCoV—which is believed to have jumped from animals to humans in Wuhan, China, is now spreading among humans, as some people who haven’t visited China are getting sick. It has officially infected more than 6,000 people, most of whom are hospitalized in Wuhan and surrounding cities. Official Chinese numbers say the virus has killed at least 132 people so far, all of them in China. On Saturday, health officials announced that the first case in Canada had been discovered in Ontario. The patient is a man in his 50s who had recently travelled to Wuhan. He was said to be in stable condition at Toronto’s Sunnybrook Hospital. On Monday, a second case was announced; the man’s wife has also tested positive. On Jan. 28, a third ‘presumptive’ case was announced, this time in B.C. There may be many more cases to come, as the virus incubates for approximately 10 days before symptoms appear. As of Friday—in an unprecedented move aimed at slowing the outbreak—China had expanded travel restrictions for up to 50 million people including in 17 cities near the centre of the outbreak. The clampdown began on Wednesday when authorities the quarantined the city of Wuhan, with state media announcing that travel on buses, trains and ferries in the city was suspended, and that flights out of the city were closed to outgoing passengers. Several countries are taking steps to evacuate their citizens from Wuhan. Cases have also been identified in Germany, France, Thailand, Japan, Taiwan, South Korea, Nepal, Vietnam, Sri Lanka, Australia, the Philippines and as of Friday, there are five reported cases in the U.S.

What is 2019-nCoV? 2019-nCoV, a coronavirus strain, was first detected in humans in Wuhan in mid-December among a cluster of individuals who showed up at the hospital with coughs, difficulty breathing and fevers. Initially, the cases could all be traced back to a seafood and meat market in Wuhan, where live animals were being sold. This led authorities to conclude the virus had jumped from animals to humans. Scientists suspect that snakes may be the animal of origin but that has yet to be verified. Coronaviruses are common in animals and occasionally spread to humans. Most of us have had a coronavirus without realizing it, as they’re usually no more pesky than a common cold. But some coronavirus strains can be deadly, and the elderly and immunocompromised* are most at risk of death. There were a total of 8,098 cases of SARS coronavirus and 774 deaths* worldwide in 2003, and the MERS coronavirus has taken more than 858 lives in sporadic outbreaks since 2012.

March 2020 - Family Life

What are the symptoms? Early symptoms are like those for many seasonal viruses and most strains of coronavirus: watch for coughs, fever, shortness of breath, congested breathing, body aches, sore throat or vomiting and diarrhea. The symptoms can take up to 10 days to appear. If left untreated, however, 2019-nCoV can advance to pneumonia, kidney failure or other complications, which is why it is dangerous to the elderly and people with compromised immune systems.

Why has it caused a global health scare? In the early days of the virus, 2019-nCoV seemed to only be affecting those who had touched or consumed animals sold at the market, meaning it would be easy to contain. On Tuesday, however, China confirmed that people have been infected who have not visited the Wuhan market nor consumed food purchased from there. What this means is the virus is now known to be spreading from human to human. What isn’t known is how easily it can spread. But public health authorities are concerned by how quickly the number of confirmed cases is rising. Just five days ago, there were 40 known cases in China. As of the afternoon of January 21, there were around 275 cases and counting. Given that there’s a long incubation period, there could be many more currently infected who haven’t shown symptoms yet. Some epidemiologists estimate the actual number of cases could be closer to 2,000.

Could it become another SARS? In terms of fatalities, SARS killed about 10 per cent of those it infected, and 44 of the fatalities were Canadian. Given that only around two per cent of those confirmed to have been infected have died so far, officials think 2019-nCoV isn’t as deadly as SARS. But that could change. Most of those suffering from 2019-nCoV are still in the hospital and aren’t yet in the clear. The good news is that SARS didn’t spread rapidly in communities, like the flu does. Instead, the spread was largely confined to hospitals and it was containable, once authorities knew what they were dealing with and put screening, testing and quarantine procedures in place. With SARS, the virus wasn’t identified until almost halfway through the outbreak, so this time around, authorities are able to prepare much earlier. Plus, the pandemic control protocols that were being developed on the fly in 2003 are very much in place this time around.

What are health authorities doing about it? Officials have already developed a diagnostic test for the new virus. Authorities in major Canadian airports are currently asking travellers about their recent travel, and those who have travelled to central China are being asked about symptoms. Efforts may escalate in the coming days. At several major U.S. airports, for instance, authorities are actually screening travellers from Wuhan by checking their temperatures. Hospitals are also on heightened alert. Frontline staff have been instructed to ask patients with symptoms of the respiratory virus about their previous travel, and to quarantine any suspected cases.

Has it been found in Canada? Yes. So far, three cases have been announced by public health officials. A man, 50, arrived from Wuhan to Toronto last week, showing mild symptoms on the flight and was tested positive for 2019-nCoV when his condition worsened soon after. His tests have been confirmed by a lab in Winnipeg. His wife is the second case, and her tests have also been confirmed. There was a third presumptive case announced in B.C. Given the rate at which the virus has spread, authorities expect we will have more cases here.

What can you do to avoid coronavirus? There is currently no vaccine available to protect you against human coronavirus infection, and antibiotics don’t work against viruses. Many people are buying face masks as precautionary measures, but health officials say there’s no evidence that they can block virus particles small enough to be breathed in. So far, Canadian officials say that 2019-nCoV poses a “low risk.” But it’s a good idea to take extra precautions when in close quarters with others in an airport, hospital or subway train. The U.S. Centers for Disease Control recommends that you frequently wash your hands with soap and water for at least 20 seconds and avoid touching your eyes, nose or mouth with unwashed hands.

March 2020 - Family Life

Emotional labour was eroding my marriage—this is how we tried to fix it I don’t want to be the only one who initiates, plans, delegates and worries about every task. By JENNIFER CHEN

Family Life ‐ March 2020

Waiting in line at Target, I felt like murdering my husband. I didn’t wish to physically kill him, but I wanted to yell at him—a lot. He’d agreed to get the baby monitor fixed, but weeks later, he still hadn’t done it. So there I was, picking up a new monitor that I had researched and ordered, while my twin toddlers were napping at home. Instead of crashing on the couch during kid nap time (usually the most blissful two hours of my Saturday), I was silently cursing him. Why did I end up having to execute every household project, even though we both work full time? In his defence, Brendan usually does what I ask him to do. But I don’t want to be the only one who initiates, plans, delegates and worries about every task. I was sick of reminding and cajoling him, and resentment had bubbled up. This imbalance of emotional labour—the invisible work that ensures a household runs smoothly—was eroding my marriage. I felt like the CEO of Twins Inc., a startup company my husband and I had founded together, but now I was running it solo. When Brendan and I decided to have kids, I worried that my work-from-home (albeit full-time) job would make me the default caregiver and household manager. We discussed how we’d tackle parenthood as equal partners, but we didn’t expect to welcome twins. Plus, all the talks we had pre-kids were about imaginary scenarios. I soon learned that keeping our little family of four functioning is about way more than just the weekly grocery shop and endless laundry—it’s knowing which kid misplaced her mittens (and where they might be). It’s remembering the deadline to return the completed school picture forms and having the foresight to book time off work to take the girls for the flu shots we’ll all need to fend off daycare disease this winter. Since I became a mother, long lists with tasks like these take up valuable brain space, stress me out and chip away at what used to be precious “me time.” I doubt Brendan ever feels as overwhelmed or exhausted by the relentlessness of the to-do list. Entrenched gender expectations from our upbringings also didn’t help us start off on equal footing. As involved as Brendan wanted to be, he wasn’t taught how to run a household, whereas my (very traditional) mom had prepared me at an early age to keep a tidy house for my future spouse.

March 2020 - Family Life

While my husband is, objectively, a fantastic father, my mom friends and I commiserate constantly, sharing memes about dads versus moms and bemoaning our fate as working women-moms-unpaid household bosses. A recent Statistics Canada survey confirmed our sentiments: Moms spend 2.8 hours a day on housework (nearly an hour more than dads) and shoulder more of the routine child-care tasks, as well as caring for adult family members when needed. This lopsided division of labour results in resentment that festers over time and takes a toll on relationships. When I posted a link on Facebook to a story about emotional labour that resonated with me, it was my mom friends who chimed in with praise and comments. Of course, not all couples with kids fall into the stereotypical, heterosexual gender roles. One friend mentioned her husband was actually the “scorekeeper” in the relationship, constantly tallying who is completing more parenting-related tasks. I sheepishly realized I was indeed keeping track, and in my head, it was, “Me: 848 tasks completed. My husband: 1.” I broached the topic with Brendan, and he confessed he wasn’t totally happy with the division of labour either. For one thing, he resented how I criticize the way he handles a chore. He also said he’s well-aware of the imbalance at our house—it makes him feel guilty, which makes him want to do more. But he completes tasks as fast as possible, which leads to mistakes, which I then have to fix (and can’t help but criticize). Sure, the research is validating, and I have friends to complain to, but knowing I wasn’t alone didn’t make the situation any better. How could Brendan and I get out of this rut? We both wanted to make a change, but we had no idea how to recalibrate our relationship and co-lead as a team. I decided to get advice from the experts: a productivity specialist, a marriage counsellor and a reproductive psychiatrist who specializes in the emotional life of motherhood. (It’s not lost on me that it was, once again, me taking the lead to solve a family problem. But I’m not supposed to be keeping score.) Brendan and I agreed to test out their tips and record our thoughts in an online journal to track our progress. Here’s what we learned— and what happened when we implemented the ideas.

Divvy up chores based on what you ENJOY Like a lot of couples, our dynamic worked this way: I’d delegate, get annoyed when it wasn’t done correctly, do the errand myself and then stew about my endless to-do list. Rinse and repeat. Our cycle was like a load of laundry with a dirty tissue stuck in a pants pocket—a big old mess. A conversation with Carson Tate, a workplace productivity coach, helped me realize I was trying to make my husband handle projects exactly how I’d tackle them, which is not the way his brain works. If we wanted to be more productive and less frustrated, Tate’s advice was to play to our strengths. “Create a list of household items that need to be done that are causing friction,” says Tate. “Then, look at your productivity styles. It doesn’t feel like a burden when we play to our strengths.” We read her book, Work Simply, and took her online productivity style assessment. Brendan scored high as an Arranger and a Visualizer, while I was firmly a Planner and a Prioritizer. As an Arranger, Brendan is best at communicating, so he took over any task that involves talking, like text-ing babysitters and calling our internet company to fix our spotty service. I owned menu planning and making the grocery lists because I love that kind of stuff. Most of our cooking involves prepping meals for our tiny but hungry eaters, so we alternate who prepares it or we tackle it together (he rustles up the main meal, while I chop fruit). Instead of demanding that Brendan complete tasks exactly as I do them, Tate suggested I let him use whatever process works for him. No micromanaging allowed. Under this system, I’m still the head honcho. Brendan is the intern learning the ropes. I want to hover over his desk and check his work, but I’m learning that barking orders isn’t exactly the best way to motivate someone. When I expressed concern to Tate that my beloved husband would mess up, she suggested setting a deadline so he’s clear on when a task needs to be finished, and then following up—only once—to go over any outstanding details. I do my best not to nag or criticize him.

March 2020 - Family Life

Automate your routine After our girls went to bed at 7:30 p.m., we’d rush to make our dinner, prep their dinner and breakfast for the next day, fold laundry, wash a sink full of dishes and discuss everything else going on that week. “Discussing” was really me delegating chores and grumbling about all the mental labour involved in managing every damn detail while Brendan got defensive, and then we’d collapse into bed around 11 p.m., whining like overtired toddlers. Tate suggests creating a better workflow at home. I got a paper calendar and listed our weekly duties, assigning some to Brendan and some to myself. Once we got into the rhythm of it, we loved checking off our chores, and I was no longer nagging him as much, because he knew what was expected. We also now designate one weeknight for a 30-minute household chat. The time limit keeps us focused and has made us more efficient. I send a weekly “check-in” email with a bullet-point list of projects (like hiring child-care help or planning our summer vacation). Brendan responds. No more late nights of harried project management. For some couples, this plan might sound over-the-top, but for us, the check-in emails, the calendar and our 30-minute meetings meant we didn’t let our evenings get consumed by a blow-byblow of who did what. I’m still driving the process (as a Planner and Prioritizer), but slowly, I’ve seen Brendan take on some emotional labour. Recently, I happened upon a birthday present for an upcoming kids party, already wrapped with a gift bag, tissue paper and a card— completely unprompted. It’s a small step, but my intern is getting the hang of it.

Make a contingency plan The reality is kids get sick, you get sick or work is super busy. During our month of testing out our revised roles, I became horribly ill with a stomach virus, and menu planning was the last thing I wanted to do. Brendan had to manage all the cooking, cleaning and toddler tantrums while I was chained to our bathroom. With one of us down for the count, our precarious new system nearly crumpled. I asked Tate how to handle this. “This is what I tell companies: Have a contingency plan,” she says. “For menu planning, make a list of five meals you can easily make from ingredients you always have at home. Then, ask each other, ‘What happened? Where did it fall off? What strategies could we put in place?’” Based on Tate’s suggestion, we decided to always keep ready-made meals stocked in our freezer and pantry (like canned soups, frozen veggie pizzas and boxed mac and cheese) for quick meals. It was now also clear to us that we needed backup help for unexpected kid sick days, so we interviewed babysitters who had daytime availability. When Brendan forgot to book a babysitter to help me before he departed on a long trip for a friend’s wedding, which would have left me with two toddlers for four days solo (including a weekend), we wrote a detailed checklist of what we needed to do before either of us travelled again. (Top of the list: secure extra child care.)

March 2020 - Family Life

Negotiate what is necessary and drop what isn’t Sure, we’d all love a spotless house and homemade meals, but to manage a household, you need to compromise on what both parties can live with, suggests Lawrence Stoyanowski, a marriage therapist in Langley, BC. “In true compromise, you win a little bit and you lose a little bit. If a couple comes up with an agreement they can live with, that is actually success,” says Stoyanowski. “No one is ever going to do as good of a job as you. But if your partner does within 80 percent of your satisfaction, that has to be enough.” This advice isn’t easy for me to put into practice, but when I’m exhausted, I tell myself, Let it go. For example, if Brendan folds the laundry a certain way, I’ve loosened up the reins and will give in instead of taking over or insisting he do it the way I would. This also applies to babysitters, grandparents and any other caregivers for my children— not only my husband. I can choose to do everything myself, or I can accept help.

Appreciate your partner’s contributions

Invest in your emotional bank account

Give specific praise, recommends Stoyanowski. “It can be small things. Catch your partner doing something right. There are tons of good things that are happening that we can appreciate, but we don’t,” he says. He’s totally right—I realized I was only telling my husband what annoyed me, not what he did well.

For a while, I had no interest in date nights. Oh, you mean doing the work of finding and booking a babysitter, and then paying her a bunch of money so I can spend alone time with the guy who isn’t pulling his own weight? No, thanks. But for a happy marriage, Stoyanowski recommends “making deposits into your emotional bank account,” and that includes planning regular date nights, connecting with each other, forgiving each other and practising having patience with your partner, like you would with your children. All of this sounded a little hokey, but I had taken vows. (I’d also vowed to my editor that I’d do whatever the experts said to do.)

So we instituted a daily thankyou list of three things we’re grateful for in the partnership. It’s a practice we were already doing at bedtime with our daughters— we thank them for tidying their toys or helping feed our dog, because we want to embrace an attitude of appreciation in our house. But we never thought about doing the same for each other. Sure, it sounds like an awkward, earnest team-building exercise, but when Brendan thanks me for dealing with double poopy underwear or I thank him for ordering new shoes for our growing girls, we feel valued. And feeling valued seems to magically melt away resentment. Often, by the end of the night we’re too harried to remember anything all that special. But if we forget that night, we text each other our gratitude lists during the workday. This advice was shockingly restorative for us. The thankless mental gymnastics I did every day were finally getting props, and Brendan appreciated that I wasn’t a battering ram of constant criticism.

March 2020 - Family Life

So we bumped up our monthly date nights to weekly. Per Stoyanowski’s suggestion, we downloaded the Gottman Institute Card Decks app to spark more romance during our dinners out. I’ll admit that the relationship-repairing app seemed cheesy, but we gave it a go. It really worked for Brendan. He felt like the conversation topics and prompts on the app’s virtual flash cards led us to have the kinds of talks we had back in our twenties, and he mentioned he felt we were very connected. For me, date nights didn’t erase all the resentment of the emotional labour I was carrying, but they healed some wounds. Plus, my rage blackouts were lessening because I started liking the man I married again.

Prioritize self-care Self-care sounds idyllic in theory, but who has time for that? Most days, I consider it a win if I have time to brush my teeth and my hair. But theoretically, I know it’s essential. “Self-care is not selfish—it’s self-preserving,” says Alexandra Sacks, a reproductive psychiatrist and coauthor of a forthcoming book on the emotions of pregnancy and new motherhood. “It’s necessary to prevent caregiver burnout, to avoid feeling depleted and to have energy left to give to your romantic relationship. Nourishing yourself and other aspects of your identity also sends a healthy message to your children and gives them some breathing room to foster their independence.” Sacks suggests making a list of self-care experiences you miss and then creating (and sticking to!) a caregiving schedule with your partner so both parties have time off. We designated Sunday evenings for self-care. After we plop our kids into bed at 7:30 p.m., we go our separate ways. Brendan will see a movie solo or meet up with his buddies for a drink. I luxuriate with a facial mask, soak my feet in a massaging foot bath and read magazines. I want two hours of silence, during which no one needs me and I can read about celebrities and look at fancy shoes I won’t buy. After a weekend of playdates, errands and grocery shopping, this alone time is my salve to the crushing burnout from being a working mom. Before our self-care Sundays, I felt like I was in an endless loop of prioritizing other people’s needs, but now, I take a break. The annoyance I feel about the imbalance of emotional labour takes a night off, too.

A few months later: The results are in It wasn’t all smooth sailing. One Sunday, I blew up at Brendan after I was left with chores while he went out with a friend. He felt like we sometimes reverted back to some of our old habits, such as me nagging him about his projects and him trying to complete tasks as fast as possible without the attention to detail I wanted. Much like potty training, we had days that were perfect and some days, we pooped out. But overall, the scales are slowly tipping back toward his side. Our marriage therapist also pointed out that Brendan’s knowledge gap is wide, so I have to make peace with the fact that he won’t ever catch up to my considerable caretaking experience—and the many years of gendered expectations that have shaped who I am and how I parent. As a girl, I grew up doing household chores and started baby- sitting at age 12. My husband didn’t know how to do his own laundry until he left for college. He learned to cook only after we moved in together.

March 2020 - Family Life

I’ve also spent decades in jobs where I had to hustle to move up the ranks, often earning less than my male predecessors. I’m used to doing more for less, all on my own, while my hard-working husband has had support for household and administrative tasks his whole life. He also admitted that pre-kids, I had been invisibly running the house solo, and that he had never considered all the household tasks to be as important as our careers. But by shouldering the emotional labour of raising kids more evenly, I hope we can break this cycle: Our daughters will see their dad not only actively participating in the day-to-day hustle and bustle of our household, but as a more-than-capable problem solver. Maybe one day, he’ll even become our family’s Chief Problem Anticipator, fully able to think up the to-do list himself, instead of relying on me to devise what’s needed . Brendan has been talking about all this with his dad friends, and has discovered that every single one of them has the same “I feel like I do a lot, but my wife says I do nothing” issue. “I place varying degrees of blame on my friends,” he says. “Dads expect a lot of credit for clearing some very low bars. But I found it interesting that this is so universal.” He told his buddies what we were doing as a couple to address the gap, and some friends were interested. Others felt resigned to their current family dynamics. Lately I’ve been talking to another mom friend who adopted some similar fixes with her spouse. She and I both feel a lot more content in our marriages. Instead of complaining that we, the women, are doing everything under the sun, we’re trying our best to communicate our expectations, and our partners are playing a role in household management. It’s still not perfect, but I’m beginning to feel like Brendan and I are running Twins Inc. together again, and that’s made all the difference.

Food

Munch em' up! Raise the bar on snack time or treat time with these easy and delicious bites. Sometimes it's hip to be square (or, in some cases, rectangular). Photo, ERIK PUTZ.

Family Life ‐ March 2020

READY TO PLAY? Raise the bar on snack time or treat time with these easy and delicious bites. Sometimes it's hip to be square (or, in some cases, rectangular). Photo, ERIK PUTZ.

Family Life ‐ March 2020

Chocolate-Pretzel Granola Bars PREP TIME:15 MINS TOTAL TIME:50 MINS 1 1/4 cups quick oats 1/4 cup unsalted butter 1/4 cup creamed honey 1/4 cup packed brown sugar 3/4 cup puffed rice cereal 3/4 cup chopped pretzels 2 tbsp flaxseed 1/3 cup chocolate chips 1. Spray an 8×8-in baking dish lightly with oil. Heat a large non-stick frying pan over medium-high. Add oats and toast, stirring often, until browned, 4 to 5 min. Set aside. 2. Stir butter, honey and brown sugar in a large saucepan over mediumhigh. Bring to a boil, stirring until sugar dissolves. Remove from heat and stir in oats, puffed rice, pretzels and flaxseeds until combined. 3. Scrape into prepared dish. Smooth top, then sprinkle with chocolate chips. Refrigerate until firm, about 30 min. Cut into bars. Let stand at room temperature 5 min before serving. Keep bars in a plastic bag in the fridge up to 1 week.

March 2020 - Family Life

Salted Brown Butter Puffed Rice Treats PREP TIME:10 MINS TOTAL TIME:10 MINS 1 cup butter 1 tsp vanilla ½ tsp salt 2-250g bags miniature marshmallows 10 cups puffed rice cereal 1. Line a 9×13-in. pan with parchment, leaving overhang on 2 sides. 2. Melt butter in a large pot over medium-high. Stir as butter foams up, then becomes nutty brown, 5 to 6 min. 3. Reduce heat to low, then quickly add vanilla, salt and marshmallows, stirring until completely melted. Remove from heat and stir in cereal until well-coated. 4. Press into prepared pan and let cool at least 1 hour. Cut into squares.

Family Life ‐ March 2020

Last Look

Movies

Onward March 6 Ian (Tom Holland) and Barley (Chris Pratt) visit the Manticore's Tavern, named for a monster possessing a map to the gem. The tavern has become a family restaurant managed by the Manticore ("Corey" for short). While arguing with Ian over the map, Corey realizes how boring her life has become and drives the customers away in a fit of insanity, accidentally setting fire to the restaurant and the map.

Courtesy of Walt Disney Pictures & Pixar

March 2020 - Family Life