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wrong with this, except they often don’t know how to handle their dawning awareness that they don’t like everyone the same. Instead of recognizing that they’d rather spend time with certain classmates without being unkind to the rest, they sometimes declare themselves to be members of what are usually silly, short-lived clubs. I told her that the club might not even last a week, and there was more reason not to worry: “First-graders often find it very easy to fix problems with their friends. They usually consider a problem to be completely resolved if they play together after having a disagreement.” My friend agreed that it made sense to give it some time. She didn’t want to make a big deal out of something when her daughter might benefit from being able to handle the situation without her. Even if you would never describe yourself as a helicopter parent, it can be difficult—especially after what we’ve endured over the past two years—to know where to draw the line between helping your kids and overprotecting them. When is it wise to intervene, and when should you simply say, “I’m so sorry you weren’t included in their game. Are there other kids you can have fun with at recess?” Though my friend and I happened to be talking about first-graders, similar questions pop up for every age. Here are a few common scenarios for different age groups, and some tips on offering your kid support without going overboard.
A Stubborn Toddler Early one day, your in-laws swing by to return a coffee maker they borrowed and give your 2½ -year-old a quick hug, but then they need to leave, as do the two of you. Your son quickly goes from being delighted to see his grandparents to feeling frustrated by their very short visit. You try to cheer him up with the promise that he’ll get to spend plenty of time with them over the weekend, but he’s still upset.
He gloomily puts on his coat but refuses to zip it—even when you warmly try to cajole him. He usually takes great
Homework issues are inevitable, but making corrections is not your job.
pride in being able to zip his coat himself, after overcoming months of frustrated fumbling. It’s too cold to go outside with an unzipped coat, but being independent has meant so much to him. W H AT C A N YO U D O ? Give your son a tender hug, and gently zip his coat. He’s down in the dumps for a reason and needs more affection and attention than usual. You don’t need to worry that you’re doing too much for him because, thanks to your patience, he’s already made great progress in developing the difficult skill of negotiating a zipper. He’ll almost certainly be back to zipping his own coat as soon as he feels better. To prevent problems like this in the future, should you ask your in-laws to skip quick visits that might upset your
son? Probably not. Learning to deal with disappointment is an important part of growing up. If we find ourselves trying to shield our children from gardenvariety causes of emotional distress, we’re likely going too far. When we help them discover that they can manage life’s inevitable curveballs, we can be sure that we’re getting it right.
A Playdate Gone Haywire Your 8-year-old invites Taylor, a new friend from school, over for a playdate. The girls head straight to the room where you keep family games, and when you peek in a little later, you can’t believe the mess that has already been made.
