Modern Manners H O W TO B E H AV E I N 201 5 : T EC H N O LO GY E D I T I O N WE’ V E COME A LONG WAY—AND YE T WE STILL MISUSE REPLY ALL. C ATHERINE NE WMAN AD D R E SS E S NE W RULE S OF E TIQUE T TE THAT SIRI C ANNOT.
Rule No. 1: Share carefully.
P O R T R A I T BY S A R A H M AY C O C K
In these days of posting, tagging, and connecting widely and instantly, it can be hard to remember how that affects other people. But no matter the medium, the basics of courtesy are the same: Follow the Golden Rule. That means being kind, respectful, trustworthy, and gracious—and trying to spare people’s feelings. (And don’t embarrass anyone! Would you want someone to post a picture of you wiping out on the ice-skating rink?) When it comes to social media, bear in mind how perniciously innocent posts can spread—and how broad the scope of potential exclusion has become. Ask yourself, “Who might see this? And how would they feel?” One basic rule: Don’t post party pictures. People who weren’t invited might feel bad, the hosts might feel bad in turn, and other guests might have privacy issues. Plus, you don’t want your teetotaling grandma to see you doing Jell-O shots.
About Catherine The author of the parenting memoir Waiting for Birdy, Catherine Newman has shared her wisdom on matters ranging from family and friends to happiness and pickling in numerous publications. She gets advice from her husband and two opinionated children in Amherst, Massachusetts.
Rule No. 2: In a similar vein, when you notice on Facebook that your child was left out of a classmate’s birthday party, let it go. Social media doesn’t just increase our risk of hurting others. We are also increasingly likely to know when we’re being excluded—and, worse, when our kids are. I won’t tell you to get a thicker skin. Sensitivity and courtesy go hand in hand, after all. But do try not to fret. Chances are good that the host’s intentions aren’t mean, and there may be factors you’re unaware of (for example, the climbing-gym max is six kids, or it’s an all-boy party). If your child feels hurt, consider this a teachable moment— one that helps her understand how it feels to be left out and that fosters resilience in the face of disappointment.
Rule No. 3: A thank-you text is OK for a dinner party, but don’t give up your stationery. It’s tempting to send a (faster, emojifilled) thank-you via smartphone or e-mail, but for most situations I confess to agreeing with old-school Emily Post. One should—still—err on the side of the written thank-you note. Someone took the time to give you a gift or offer his or her care. You can take the time to express your gratitude. That said, changing times call for changes to the rule, so here’s mine: Consider the gifter. A young person had you to dinner or gave you concert tickets? Sure, a grateful e-mail or text should do the trick. Your grandmother mailed you a handcrocheted blanket? Dig up a stamp. Gray areas include baby gifts and condolence notes. Traditional etiquette recommends traditional note writing, but if you’re exhausted or grieving, just do your best. Your supporters are there to shore you up, not to keep tallies. And any thank-you is better than no thank-you at all. Rule No. 4: If you want your friend to stop looking at her phone while you’re having dinner, model good behavior—conspicuously. Remember when the only distractions at a restaurant were the loud talker at the next table and the overeager server who really wants you to get dessert? Now there are the dings and the vibrations of phones. “Be present” is an overused mantra but
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