Modern Manners RE AL SIMPLE ’S E TIQUE T T E E XPERT, C ATHERINE NE WMAN, OFFER S HER BE ST ADVICE ON YO UR S O CIAL QUANDARIE S.
My family was recently invited to a dinner party, and I offered to bring a dessert. The hostess responded that she would let me know what to bring. I was taken back by her reply. Am I being too sensitive?
About Catherine The author of the parenting memoir Waiting for Birdy, Catherine Newman has shared her wisdom on matters ranging from family and friends to happiness and pickling in numerous publications. She gets advice from her husband and two opinionated children in Amherst, Massachusetts.
P O R T R A I T BY S A R A H M AY C O C K
K.W.
A friend once showed me the invitation she had gotten to a party that had a note, scrawled in pen, on the bottom: “Thank you for bringing salad for 60!” So, as long as it’s not that extreme—you’re not being asked to bake a soufflé or pick up a pound of beluga caviar—I think it’s fine for the host to ask for the help that she needs. I say this as a person who, among my family and friends, does most of the hosting, which also means most of the spending, cooking, and cleaning up. If it’s a regular dinner party, I am happy for the usual contributions of flowers or a bottle of wine. If it’s a casual potluck, then guests can bring whatever, and I don’t care if there are four kinds of pasta salad. Occasionally I will try to lighten my load with specific assignments, usually for a big holiday meal. (And who’s to say your host isn’t treating this dinner as a similarly special occasion?) I ask graciously and give people choices. (“Do you think you might be able to pick up a pie or make a veggie side dish?”) It would be nice if your host did the same. But console yourself with the fact that nobody is doing all the work and enjoy the party.
OCTOBER 2015
53
REALSIMPLE.COM
How do I politely give my parents, who are in their mid-70s, help that they will never ask for? To be specific, they don’t cook much. This is not new—“foraging” in the fridge was a common dinner growing up. They are pretty healthy, but when one of them gets sick, there is no food in the house, and I may not hear about it until later. I live about an hour away and see them most weeks. Do I call twice a week and ask how things are going? Should I make a food delivery every week? I am the eldest child, and I think my mother sees me as bossy, so I am trying not to be overbearing. But I worry I’ll end up with hungry, sick parents who don’t ask for help. B. H.
You may be bossy, but your parents are lucky to have you. (And I’m sure they know it.) The trick here, as with older people more generally, is to help care for them without compromising their dignity. I talked to Laurie deSilva, a geriatric social worker, who says that “poor nutrition with older adults is a significant problem and contributes to all sorts of health issues.” She recommended that you find comfort in knowing that your intention is to keep them as healthy and independent as possible. Her number one recommendation is the meal-delivery charity Meals on Wheels. There are programs in almost every community, and you can get more information from the Administration on Aging website (aoa.gov). If your parents aren’t at this stage yet—and I suspect they’re not—then file that tip away for later and figure
