TP - January/February 2022 by Lawrence Ambrocio

Every kid grows up thinking they can change the world. We’re counting on it.

All young Canadians should have the chance to reach their highest potential. That’s why we’re helping remove ﬁnancial barriers and investing in their future, Canada’s future. Over the last ﬁve years, we’ve offered nearly 1,800 scholarships to youth attending post-secondary education. And since 2017, we’ve awarded 300 grants to organizations making a difference in the lives of thousands of youth.

Through the Ted Rogers Scholarships and Community Grants, we’re supporting youth as they continue their education and develop the skills to succeed, lead, and make their dreams possible. Learn more at Rogers.com/GenerationPossible.

Contents JANUARY/FEBRUARY 2022 VOL.39 ISSUE 1

10. FIRST PERSON Dr. McDreamy This mom’s OB/GYN was a hottie, and let’s just say it got awkward. 12. MONEY Making allowances When it comes to your kids’ personal cash, who’s in charge? 15. PARENTING It’s you and me, kid Can giving your kid 15 minutes of completely undivided attention every day fix their behaviour? 18. LIVING Could this be the year your family goes electric? With a whole new generation of battery-electric SUVs hitting the market, the electric vehicle is finally family (and budget) friendly.

FEATURES 40. Cold comfort No matter how careful you are, your baby will probably end up with a cold (or two) before their first birthday. While it’s unlikely to be serious, it’ll be no fun to get through either. This guide is here to help.

22. RELATIONSHIPS When your ex gives the kids the world—and you’re stuck with the grunt work It’s a common and incredibly frustrating dynamic. Here’s how to manage it.

46. Big little wins

50. Beauty hacks for exhausted moms How to make yourself feel human again, despite the spit-up in your hair and many months of broken sleep.

HAPPY&HEALTHY 27. SAFETY Head for the hills Sledding is one of the best things about winter, so get out there—but keep safety top of mind.

60. All bodies are good bodies A parents’ guide to raising fat children.

ADVICE&REAL LIFE

7. HELP+HACKS Everything in its place A new year feels like the right time for an organization project. Start with your kids’ toys.

todaysparent.com January+February 2022

8. NEW AND NOW True…or a bit woo-woo? A look at the facts (or lack thereof) behind common parenting beliefs.

28. NEED TO KNOW New products, the latest studies and interesting stats. 29. PREGNANCY Have it your way Trying for a vaginal birth after a previous C-section was once thought to be risky. Not anymore.

PHOTO: GENEVIÈVE CARON ILLUSTRATIONS: ANDY PIZZA

Solids and first steps are great, but these are the milestones that actually make your life as a parent way easier.

COVER CREDITS Illustration by LUCILA PERINI Art direction by EMILY VEZÉR

FOOD&FAMILY

32. NUTRITION Are multivitamins magic? When kids don’t eat much beyond nuggets and fries, some parents resort to a daily multivitamin. Here’s what the experts say about that approach.

67. FOOD NEWS Got milk? The transition to milk at 12 months is more complicated than ever. 69. EASY MEALS Noodle wise The whole fam will love these veggie-loaded versions of your favourite pasta dishes.

37. MENTAL HEALTH Breathe easy It might sound a little woo-woo, but teaching kids mindful breathing can truly help them calm themselves down in the heat of a tantrum.

77. NEWBORN When and how to burp your baby (and if you even have to). 78. TODDLER Why is my toddler so obsessed with climbing everything?

TIPS&TRICKS

STEPS&STAGES

79. PRESCHOOL Parenting a preschooler who cries easily and often.

76. PREGNANCY Some say redheads are more prone to pain and bleeding. What does this mean for childbirth?

80. SCHOOL AGE Got a kid who likes to brag? Here’s how (and when) you should step in.

Kim Shiffman Editor-in-Chief

Emily Vezér Art Director

EDITORIAL Deputy Editor Jessica Pollack Senior Editors Ariel Brewster, Sadiya Dendar,

Simone Olivero (on leave) Associate Editor Kevin John Siazon Contributing Editor Claire Gagné Copy Editor Kelly Jones Proofreader Janet Morassutti Interns Laura Dalton, Stacey Nguyen

82. THE LIST Hear and now The best podcasts about parenting, working moms and personal development.

In every issue 6. Letter from Kim

PRODUCTION Production Manager Pat Danaher Digital Colour Specialist Nicole Duplantis ST. JOSEPH COMMUNICATIONS Chairman + CEO Tony Gagliano Vice-Chairman John Gagliano President & Publisher, SJC Media Ken Hunt Vice-President, Content & Creative Maryam Sanati Managing Director, Consumer Revenue Allan Yue Managing Director, Research & Consumer Insights Clarence Poirier Managing Director, Marketing Nadine Silverthorne Director, Customer Success Terry Smith Director, Production Maria Mendes Managing Director, Branded Content Sasha Emmons Head of Business Development Jason Maghanoy Director, Marketing Sponsorships Jessika Fink

ART

ADVERTISING

Contributing Designer Colleen Nicholson In-House Photographer Erik Putz

Managing Director, Sales Tracy Miller tracy.miller@stjoseph.com Sales Manager Susey Harmer susey.harmer@stjoseph.com

ADVERTISING INQUIRIES terry.smith@stjoseph.com SUBSCRIPTIONS 833-632-0833 / service@todaysparent.com EDITORIAL editors@todaysparent.com

TODAY’S PARENT, ISSN 0823-9258, established in 1984, is published six times per year by St. Joseph Communications, 15 Benton Road, Toronto, ON, M6M 3G2. Contents, Copyright 2022 by St. Joseph Communications, may not be reprinted without permission. SUBSCRIPTIONS: Subscription rate in Canada: 1 year, $15 + applicable taxes. U.S. print subscriptions: 1 year, $45. Foreign subscriptions: 1 year, $75. All subscriptions payable in Canadian funds. For any queries, call 833-632-0833, email service@todaysparent.com or write: Today’s Parent Circulation, 15 Benton Road, Toronto, ON, M6M 3G2. EDITORIAL: Today’s Parent receives unsolicited materials (including letters to the editor, press releases, promotional items and images) from time to time. Today’s Parent, its affiliates and assignees may use, reproduce, publish, republish, distribute, store and archive such submissions in whole or in

part in any form or medium whatsoever, without compensation of any sort. This statement does not apply to materials/pitches submitted by freelancers in accordance with known industry practices. All editorial-related material should be sent to the Editor, Today’s Parent, 15 Benton Road, Toronto, ON, M6M 3G2 or editors@todaysparent.com. MAIL PREFERENCE: From time to time, other organizations may ask Today’s Parent if they may send information about a product or service to some Today’s Parent subscribers, by mail or email. If you do not wish to receive these messages, contact us in any of the ways listed above. Publications mail agreement 40070230. Return undeliverable Canadian addresses to: PO Box 179, Stn Main, Alliston, ON, L9R 1V5. We acknowledge the financial support of the Government of Canada. Printed in Canada by St. Joseph Communications, Print. ST. JOSEPH COMMUNICATIONS CAN BE REACHED AT 15 BENTON ROAD, TORONTO, ON M6M 3G2

January+February 2022 todaysparent.com

LETTER FROM KIM

I THOUGHT LONG and hard before using the

words “fat children” on the cover of this magazine. The body-positivity movement may be in full swing on Instagram, but society at large still seems pretty insistent on equating thinness with worthiness—which means that being described as fat remains an insult. To casually label kids this way feels wrong. But “fat” isn’t actually a bad word, it’s a descriptor. The fact that we think of it as a pejorative is just a symptom of a bigger problem. As a journalist who’s covered health news for a good portion of my career—and as someone who’s wrestled with body-image issues for a long time (I distinctly remember my childhood bathroom scale hitting 60 pounds and feeling upset about it)—I’ve read countless articles about weight loss and the “obesity epidemic.” There are some truths we can’t ignore and that legitimately sound scary. Obesity rates among children in Canada have nearly tripled in the last 30 years; less than 40 percent of kids get enough exercise. And we’ve all read the alarming headline that today’s kids are the first generation predicted to lead shorter lives than their parents. These are real problems that are absolutely worth solving. The question is how. Articles about childhood obesity, even those published by this very maga-

todaysparent.com January+February 2022

zine, tend to trot out the same old advice, offered by well-meaning experts in earnest: Parents need to get their children eating less and moving more. Avoid fast food! Change their lifestyle! It’s not bad advice. And yet people aren’t taking it, so something’s not working. Obesity is a complex problem that requires changes from every corner of society, from industry to government to medicine. We need an entirely new framework—and writer Linda Gerhardt provides one piece of the puzzle in her impassioned and heartbreaking story, which starts on page 60. Reflecting on her experience as a self-described fat kid, Gerhardt presents a radical rethinking of what parents can do to change the narrative. It’s a must-read for anyone who wants their kids to grow up trusting their bodies and accepting themselves and others at any size. I’m proud to publish this powerful story and invite you to let me know what you think.

TWEET ME @SHIFFER

PHOTO: CARMEN CHEUN MAKEUP+HAIR:WENDY RORONG PLUTINO GROUP

One size doesn’t ﬁt all

Advice&Real Life Expert help, genius hacks and ﬁrst-person stories

Less is more Studies show that having fewer toys on display helps kids play more independently and for longer periods of time.

TEXT: SIMONE OLIVERO PHOTO: STOCKSY

TRY I T!

EVERYTHING IN ITS PLACE A new year feels like the right time for an organization project, and thanks to the holiday inﬂux, your kids’ toys are good place to start. But how to begin? Try these tips.

1 PURGE AND SORT Sort the toys by type, which will help you assess how each type should be stored (for example, ﬁgurines in a small basket, and larger trucks in a ﬂoor bin). Every toy should have a home to return to when tidying up.

CREATE ZONES Take a cue from daycare rooms, which are always organized by zones. Not sure what they should be? Think about what your kid is interested in, such as Lego, reading, dressing up or arts and cra s.

SHOP FOR STORAGE Labelled, stackable clear bins are a fantastic option for toys you want to be visible and accessible. Also consider a smaller shelving unit or bookcase and ﬁll it with li le open baskets and bins.

January+February 2022 todaysparent.com

ADVICE&REAL LIFE New and now

TRUE OR WOO? A look at the science—or lack thereof— behind popular parenting beliefs. BY ALISON SARGEANT

“Crib bumpers aren’t safe to use, even the mesh kind.” VERDICT: TRUE

A quick history lesson: Crib bumpers were invented because the spaces between crib slats used to be wide enough that a baby’s head could become entrapped. But when improvements in crib regulations were introduced to reduce slat spacing, bumpers were no longer needed. These days, parents tend to use bumpers to provide a more comfy, cushiony environment, to prevent their baby’s limbs from getting stuck, or to keep pacifiers from falling out. But the benefits don’t outweigh the risks. A 2016 study examined injuries and fatalities caused by crib bumpers between 1985 and 2012 and found that 146 infant deaths and 48 injuries were the direct result of bumpers in the child’s sleep space. OK, but what about mesh crib bumpers, which were designed to have “breathability”—surely N OW these are safer? Nope. First of all, breathability is YOU ! an unregulated marketing term and actually refers W KNO to the ability of water to pass through fabric. Plus, although it’s possible mesh bumpers may reduce suffocation risk, they continue to cause injuries and fatalities by entanglement or strangulation. A recent report from the US Product Safety Commission found that 13 percent of crib-bumper injuries between 2008 and 2019 were attributed to the mesh kind. There is no evidence that any type of bumper prevents injury or death—but there’s some evidence they can cause them. For now, the safest way for an infant to sleep follows the “ABCs”: Alone, on their Back, or in a Crib/Cot—without additional bumpers, blankets or cushions.

“If you don’t have enough milk for your baby, have a beer.” VERDICT: WOO

If you're struggling with milk supply, a wellintentioned person may have advised you to chug a Guinness, since beer has been thought to increase supply. Beer was even prescribed to breastfeeding women in the 1960s. But where does this advice come from? Is it safe to drink alcohol when breastfeeding a baby? It’s true that there are studies that suggest consuming beer may increase levels of prolactin, the hormone that makes milk. However, these studies were done on non-lactating people. Plus, it’s actually the barley in beer that causes the rise in prolactin, not the alcohol. The overall safety of alcohol consumption while breast- or chestfeeding has long been debated. Different groups cite different evidence and give different advice. At the moment, there’s insufficient proof that it’s safe. What we do know is that alcohol passes directly from parent to baby through breastmilk, and that it may actually decrease milk production, due to its effects on the hormone oxytocin. Plus, some infants may dislike the taste of alcohol in the milk, possibly reducing their milk intake, which has risks of its own. Health Canada recommends waiting two hours per alcoholic drink before feeding your baby. Similarly, the CDC in the US recommends waiting two hours after your last alcoholic drink to nurse or express milk for an infant. It also quells a myth regarding pumping and dumping, which does not, in fact, eliminate alcohol from milk faster than the body naturally removes it. If you don’t have enough milk for your baby, there are safer things to try than an alcohol-containing beer.

New & notable books for the littles Wri en by Nancy Redd and illustrated by Nneka Myers It’s bedtime, and this li le girl’s whole family is pu ing care into prepping their hair. But then she loses her bonnet— an essential item—so she enlists everyone’s help to ﬁnd it.

I Love You Every Day Wri en by Isabel O er and illustrated by Alicia Más Valentine’s Day is a time to express your love for the ones you hold dear, but why not do that every day? As this book shows, love is all around us and can be celebrated all year long.

todaysparent.com January+February 2022

Olivia Wrapped in Vines Wri en by Maude Nepveu-Villeneuve, translated by Charles Simard and illustrated by Sandra Dumais Olivia’s vines grow around her whenever she’s overwhelmed by big feelings, but sometimes they grow for no reason at all. Can she ﬁnd a way to keep them from swallowing her up? —Kevin John Siazon

PHOT: ISTOCK

Bedtime Bonnet

Help for workin’ moms A new made-in-Canada program helps people navigate the transition to and from maternity leave without forfeiting their career goals.

NEGOTIATING WITH TINY TYRANTS Dragons’ Den star and mom-of-two Manjit Manhas reveals the tactics that work equally well on CEOs and small children.

C PHOTO:COURTESY OF MANJIT MANHAS, ILLUSTRATION: VÉRONIQUE JOFFRE

CALGARY’S MANJIT MINHAS co-founded a distillery at age 19 and grew it into a $220-million business. She also co-owns a production company, serves on several boards and is a co-star of CBC’s Dragons’ Den. None of that happens without becoming an expert negotiator. Here’s how she handles her toughest adversaries: her two daughters, ages nine and 12.

Are there any tried-andtrue business strategies that you use in negotiations with your kids? Minhas: So many! One is the “take it or leave it” method. Sometimes my husband and I play good cop/bad cop—I’m always the bad cop. Other times I’ll offer a bogey, which is an issue you pretend is important to you, but really isn’t. Or we use a “door in the face,” where you make an unreasonable demand so a second, smaller offer is likely to be accepted.

Do your kids ever see through your tactics? Minhas: Yes, which is why you need lots of tools you can use. Are you open to counter-offers? Minhas: A few months ago, the days were getting cold but my younger daughter wanted to still wear summer dresses. She surprised me and said, “Mom, I’ll layer.” I said, “OK, that’s a deal.” More recently, our older daughter was invited to an event at her new school that was going to

go beyond her bedtime. She brought her points:It was a chance to make new friends, and leaving early would be awkward. I got where she was coming from, so we settled on a time. Do you ever walk away from a negotiation? Minhas: When strong emotions come up— anger, tears—I often walk away. Then I do my homework and come back with a plan. What’s the most important skill a negotiator can have? Minhas: Listening. People often just want to be heard. How is negotiating at work different from at home? Minhas: At work I run a democracy. At home I run a dictatorship! —Allan Britnell

IF YOU HAVE a benefits package through your employer, it probably pays for things like dental cleanings and prescription meds. If you’re lucky, massage therapy and psychological services are covered, too. But it probably doesn’t include a program specifically aimed at supporting working mothers, because nothing like that has existed in Canada—until now. In October, Vancouver’s Jen Murtagh and Sonja Baikogli Foley launched Maturn, a program aimed at closing the power and salary gap experienced by working moms. Through self-directed modules, monthly coaching sessions, guest expert Q & As and online community groups, users learn about everything from preparing for maternity leave, child care organizing and postpartum challenges to planning for the transition back to work. Maturn was launched with founding partner SAP Canada, a so ware giant whose employees are among the first to be offered the program. Individuals can sign up, but the hope is that employers across the country will add it to their workplace benefits, as credit union Vancity has. There’s plenty of evidence to suggest that be er support for women can directly impact a company’s ability to a ract and retain them and support their career growth. “Maternity leave was undoubtedly the most challenging year of my life,” says Murtagh, who’s a mom and stepmom of four. “Although I felt I was somewhat prepared in becoming a mother, I underestimated the impact on my identity, career and confidence. My driving force in co-creating Maturn is to provide the support greatly needed for the transition to and from maternity leave without women sacrificing their career goals and well-being.”

January+February 2022 todaysparent.com

ADVICE&REAL LIFE First person

Dr. McDreamy Confession: I was extremely attracted to my OB/GYN, and it got more and more awkward as my due date approached.

todaysparent.com January+February 2022

with two strangers who don’t realize their lives are about to become intimately intertwined. Unlike most great love stories, this one starts with a speculum. He was my OB/GYN, and god help me, he was attractive. I didn’t notice this detail the first time we met, as I was in stirrups while he performed a painful gynecological procedure on me, but I do remember thinking, at the time, that he was kind. So kind that, when I found myself pregnant a year later, I thought, This is the doctor I want to take care of me. To my delight, he accepted me as a patient. “Congratulations, you two,” he said to me and my husband as he walked into the exam room during our first appointment, looking remarkably tall, dark and handsome. Then he flashed his shy grin, looked at me with big, brown eyes framed with thin-wire glasses, and shook my hand with his warm, soft grip. I found myself wondering what it might be like to have his baby. Oh shit, I thought to myself. This is going to get awkward. It’s not entirely uncommon to be attracted to your OB/GYN, if various confessional blogs on the topic are any indication. And it’s probably pretty harmless, if not entirely hormone driven. I don’t kid myself that he took any special notice of me, the bloated pregnant lady choking on her morning-sickness bile. I don’t actually think our banter about how I needed to cut down my coffee intake was flirtatious (looking back on it now, he was quite stern). And I don’t think his careful and detailed concern with my mental and physical state meant he loved me back (shoot, did I say “love”?). But damn if my pregnancy hormones didn’t find the thought of it all a little thrilling. Did he notice that I started wearing lip gloss to my appointments? It’s doubtful. Did he notice me blushing when he would offer his arm to help me roll off the exam table like a beached whale? Possibly. Did he notice when I joked that he was the only doctor I trusted with my cervix? Probably, and I’m still not sure how he took it. He definitely noticed that time I abruptly told him I knew where he lived. I mean, obviously I didn’t say it quite like that, but I’m sure “I could find you” is all he really took from my clumsy attempts at conversation. Here’s what happened: In the name of due diligence, I asked a friend (who happened to also be an OB/GYN) if he knew my doctor. “Yes,” he said, “he’s my neighbour.” What were the chances? But I’m not sure my OB found the coincidence as funny as I did when I then told him all about it. At times, my ever-growing crush was down-

ILLUSTRATION: RYAN SNOOK

LIKE ALL GREAT LOVE STORIES, this one starts

First person ADVICE&REAL LIFE

right excruciating. My 20-week ultrasound revealed placenta previa, for instance, and Hot OB (as I’d begun to call him, in my mind) grimly informed me this meant I needed to abstain from exercise and sex. “That’s OK. I don’t do those things, anyway,” I said, giggling while sitting in front of him visibly pregnant from sexual intercourse. Then I went home and realized I hadn’t asked any questions about what, exactly, he meant by “sex.” (Clearly, I was not as concerned about exercise.) A month of raging second-trimester hormones later, I gathered my courage to ask for more information at my next appointment. My husband couldn't come to this one, probably because the universe was punishing me for past misdeeds. After reviewing my most recent ultrasound, Hot OB asked if I had any questions. “There’s one thing,” I muttered, twisting my wedding band around my swollen finger. “You mentioned no sex. But is anything, you know, allowed?” He nodded professionally, adjusted his glasses and proceeded to dutifully answer my question in horrifying detail as I silently begged to sink into the centre of the earth. Clitoral stimulation to reach orgasm is just fine, he told me as I nodded and tried to look casual, but all vaginal penetration must be avoided. To be safe, he added, I should also avoid anal penetration. I think, dear reader, that is the moment I actually died. “Now, shall we listen to the baby’s heartbeat?” he asked me. He commented that my own heart rate was good and fast, too. Of course it was! My heart was aflutter and my palms were sweating. I couldn’t waddle out of there fast enough. Later, my husband asked how my appointment went, and I muttered something about “anal,” then got so light-headed I had to drink some juice and put my head between my knees. There was no reprieve from the indignities in the third trimester, as I now had weekly appointments due to my baby’s positioning and massive head. “How are your hemorrhoids?” Hot OB would ask me after looking at my chart. “What hemorrhoids?” I’d respond with a smile, my butthole, meanwhile, impersonating a bushel of grapes. As my due date approached, my placenta and my baby miraculously righted themselves, and I started to have fantasies of going into fast-andfurious labour right there in Hot OB’s office so he could save my life, thus bonding us forever. Instead, I endured three weeks of slow dilation and prodromal labour at home. By the time I was finally admitted to the hospital for real,

Did he notice when I started wearing lip gloss to my appointments? It’s doubtful. Did he notice me blushing when he offered his arm to help me roll off the exam table like a beached whale? Possibly.

and given an epidural, I was so relieved to be free of pain that I was practically giddy. So, I blissfully turned to my nurse and asked her a totally reasonable and not-at-all inappropriate question for someone lying there in a thin hospital gown with a five-centimetre-dilated cervix: “Do you know if my OB is married?” I still lie awake at night wondering if she ever told him. Mercifully—despite my fantasies—a different on-call OB/GYN ended up delivering my baby later that night, so Hot OB didn’t get to see me poop myself. And I’m not sure if it was the rush of affection for my child or my husband’s joyful laugh as the nurse placed our squawking son on my chest, but my persistent crush ended right then and there. My awkwardness, however, had a humiliating denouement. When my baby was three days old, we had a paediatrician appointment in the same building as Hot OB’s clinic. Since he hadn’t been there for my labour, I decided to pop in to introduce him to the baby and thank him for taking such good care of us during my pregnancy. It seemed the kind thing to do. “This is Benjamin,” I said, beaming, as Hot OB dutifully peered in at the bundle in my arms. “Benjamin?” his secretary blurted out. “Why, that’s your doctor’s middle name!” Oops. That was the last time he saw me, his hormonal, accidental stalker (I swear!). The pandemic came along and did us both a favour by forcing my six-week follow-up to be a phone appointment, and we haven’t spoken since. But I guess I still talked about him fondly, because a few months later, a friend sent me a link to a blog post she’d happened upon. It was about how the writer had been in love with her OB/GYN during her pregnancy. “Is this your Hot OB?” my friend asked me, half-joking. But the joke was on me, because it was definitely him. If there was any doubt left from the writer’s description of her desire, and his striking kindness and good looks, she also named him: Yup, same guy. And that’s how I found out he wasn’t just my Hot OB. He’s got a perpetual fan club of pregnant ladies lusting after him. It’s also how I found out that he isn’t married, but he does date nurses. (The blogger did her due diligence, too!) So, just as I knew all along, my love story isn’t special, or even really a love story. But at least I can take solace knowing that I wasn’t his only inappropriately obsessed patient. From the sounds of it, he’s had a few. —Natalie Stechyson

January+February 2022 todaysparent.com

Giving kids the power to decide how to spend their own money feels like the right choice for many families. But what do you do when your kid wants to blow $40 on a single Pokémon card that they’re probably going to lose, destroy or trade away?

todaysparent.com January+February 2022

PHOTO: ERIK PUTZ STYLING: CAITLIN DOHERTY

ADVICE&REAL LIFE Money

Money ADVICE&REAL LIFE

Making allowances When it comes to your kids’ personal cash, who’s in charge? TORONTO MOM BLAKE ELIGH was determined to teach her kids key financial lessons before they had to go out into the world on their own. She did this, in part, by giving her two daughters decisionmaking power over their own money from a young age. She and her husband set the girls up with both an allowance and a savings plan when they were eight and 11 years old. Now her kids are 12 and 15 and Eligh only wishes she’d started earlier. “Giving them a chance to learn about spending money at this point allows them to make financial mistakes when it doesn’t really count.” But what do the experts say? If Grampa hands your kid some cash or they’ve saved up a bunch from weekly allowance, should they get to spend it all however they want?

LEARNING THE HARD WAY When it comes to teaching your kids about money, there’s a simple rule to remember: Kids learn best from their own actions. That’s why Nancy Bisogno, a district leader at TD Bank who’s worked with elementary schools on programs that teach kids about money, encourages parents to give their kids as much financial freedom as they can. “There are two big lessons that can come out of letting a kid spend money how they like,” says Bisogno, who is based in Stratford, Ont. “One, which we can all relate to, is buyer’s remorse— when we purchase something before realizing that it’s not worth it. The second is realizing, I can’t afford this. This puts the cost of things in perspective, which kids don’t always understand until they have their own money to spend.” Chelsea Brennan, a former hedge fund investor and the founder of Boston-based Smart Money Mamas, acknowledges how hard it can be for parents to watch their kids waste money or be demoralized by their poor spending decisions. But it’s an important lesson to learn while the dollar value is still relatively low. “We want to stop them from making those mistakes, but we need them to experience making a wrong

decision,” she says. Eligh’s daughter Grace once saved up for a particular doll with articulated joints, which she had been coveting for a long time. “Within a week, both the hands had come off irreparably. That was really disappointing for her because she’d spent a lot of money,” Eligh recalls. Still, Grace learned not to buy that brand of doll again, and to think hard before spending that much money on one single toy.

It can be hard for parents to watch their kids waste money or be demoralized by their poor spending decisions. But it’s an important lesson to learn while the dollar value is still relatively low.

STARTING EARLY Brennan suggests starting an allowance as young as four or five years old, or when kids start asking for money or wanting to buy things from the store. “Begin by giving them some spending money, and then when they get a little bit older, start spreading it out into different kinds of goals,” says Brennan. In Eligh’s house, they started the allowances off small at $2 and $5 per week, just enough to buy a treat or a trinket at the dollar store, and have recently bumped it up to $5 and $10. Once your child is able to get the hang of how spending money works, you can set up a system that includes spending and saving. For Eligh’s kids, one-third goes directly into a savings account and the other two-thirds can be spent however the girls like. “If they want to invest those two-thirds in gumballs, that’s fine. They can do whatever they want with that portion of the allowance. But the stuff in the bank—we need to have some discussion about how that will be spent.” Brennan’s young sons divide allowance up into thirds: a third to spend, a third to save for larger purchases, and a third to give to someone else. VALUES ADDED While we shouldn’t micromanage every dollar our kids spend, that doesn’t necessarily mean they get carte blanche either. Brennan talks about what she calls a family’s money values— and that it’s important for parents to decide what their own financial mindset is before they guide

January+February 2022 todaysparent.com

ADVICE&REAL LIFE Money

FINANCIAL GROWTH As kids get older, the basic premise of letting them spend their own money within the boundaries of the family’s values doesn’t really change. What does change with age and independence is the type of things they want to spend their money on. Brennan sees this as a great opportunity to give your children more responsibility for their spending alongside, perhaps, a more generous allowance. “When we give our kids money, one of the things that’s helpful is telling them what that money is for,” says Brennan. With younger kids between the ages of three and eight, say, you might tell them their money is for toys or treats. As your children move into the tween years, you might want to expand that to include outings with friends. And then, by the time your kids are teens, they may also become responsible for paying for a cell phone or subscription services, for example. “That might mean increasing their allowance by taking money that you would have spent on them and putting it in their hands. Saying, for instance, we budget this much a year for your clothes. We expect you to have a winter coat and so many pairs of pants and an outfit for holidays, but you decide what that is,” Brennan says. This gives the opportunity to start budgeting and thinking about bills before they’re out in the world on their own.

TH ERE’S A N A PP T FO R T H A

Need help managing allowance and chores? Your phone is your friend. MYDOH: RBC’s new app teaches kids about money basics, helps them earn money from chores and oﬀers advice on spending it wisely. It all starts from a parent account. ROOSTERMONEY: This virtual chore and money tracker app is nicely designed and easy to use. An upgraded version lets you tie allowance to chores and set an interest rate for savings. IALLOWANCE: Kids earn rewards for completing chores and parents can set recurring allowances that will pay into any of the unlimited “piggy banks” you set up.

MODERN TOOLS FOR MODERN FAMILIES Cash is the best learning tool for younger kids because they can see their money accumulate and count it themselves. But Eligh found that keeping enough cash on hand for allowances was harder than she anticipated. So for the sake of consistency, her family keeps a binder in which they track money coming in (from allowances) and out (via online and in-store card payments) and then they settle up with cash every so often. Older kids might like to keep a bit of cash on them as well, but there comes a time when having their own debit card makes sense. By the time kids are navigating their neighbourhoods on their own, around 12 or so, Bisogno recommends setting them up with a debit card. Don’t forget to train them how to use it safely. Ultimately, we want our kids to make their money mistakes when they’re still young and the stakes are low. “One of my core beliefs is that money is involved in everything we do,” says Brennan. “Every time we choose to spend money, we vote on what kind of world we want to live in, what kind of businesses we want to support, what kind of policies we want to be enacted. And we can show that to our kids from a young age because they’re actually really good at understanding that.” —Rebecca Cuneo Keenan

What about larger cash gifts? Grandma surprises your kid by handing them a $100 bill. Here’s what to do next. When kids are given a decent chunk of change, it’s important to have a consistent rule for how that money should be accounted for. Smart Money Mamas founder Chelsea Brennan says

many parents she speaks to are ﬁne with le ing their kids spend $20 or so however they want, but prefer to conﬁscate larger amounts to deposit them directly into savings. She’s not

todaysparent.com January+February 2022

a fan of this approach. “When you do that, you’re taking away their autonomy,” she says. “Some kids can build a mental relationship that saving is my money disappearing, and that’s

not going to be helpful in adulthood.” In her house, her kids can spend half of all cash gi s however they want, and then the other half gets divided into thirds (spend, save, give away). Other rules

for spending cash gi s can work too, as long as you’re consistent. What you want to avoid is kids ge ing excited over a large gi and then feel like somebody has taken their money away.

PHOTO: ERIK PUTZ STYLING: CAITLIN DOHERTY

their kids. “What values do you want to focus on through your spending? What emotions are you trying to create with your money? Are we prioritizing education? Are we prioritizing feeling charitable or feeling joyful?” she says. Those values can then help establish the parameters for how your kids are allowed to spend their own money. Some parents will insist their kids set aside a certain amount for charity (or for “sharing,” as Brennan calls it with her own young kids), for example. Or they might enforce a hard ban on specific types of items, such as toy weapons, violent video games or makeup.

Parenting ADVICE&REAL LIFE

I’m all yours, kid Some experts claim that giving a child just 15 minutes of undivided attention every day can do magical things for their behaviour. Here’s what happened when we tried it in our family.

PHOTO:STOCKSY

I DREADED BEDTIME WITH my seven- and five-year-old daughters. Specifically,

nagging to get them in the bath. Followed by breaking up naked dance parties and begging them to put on their pyjamas. Then, haggling over which books to read and how many. More negotiating over who got a turn to sit on my lap and how long our cuddle sessions would be. And finally, many (many!) last calls for cups of water, missing stuffies and hugs till they fell asleep like innocent little angels.

January+February 2022 todaysparent.com

ADVICE&REAL LIFE Parenting

I didn’t understand why getting them to listen to me was so hard. Worse, that struggle was turning me into a scolding-mom version of myself I wasn’t proud of. So when I heard about a parenting technique that promised to completely strengthen and transform my relationship with my kids in just 15 minutes a day, I was intrigued. I first heard about this tantalizing idea from Sarah Rosensweet, a parenting coach in Toronto. She recommends scheduled short bursts of “special time” for all families with kids from toddler age to teens. She says it deepens our connection with our kids, helps us empathize with them and can even improve our kids’ behaviour, which (I’m not gonna lie) was my biggest motivator. “Our children need to feel that we see them, that we understand them and that they matter,” says Rosensweet. “When they feel connected to us, they want to be more co-operative. Our strong relationship with them is ultimately the most powerful way we can influence them.” WHAT’S SO SPECIAL ABOUT SPECIAL TIME? Coined by parenting educator Patty Wipfler, and further popularized by Rosensweet’s peacefulparenting mentor, psychologist Laura Markham, special time is basically unstructured one-onone time with your kid (like imaginative play or roughhousing) and entirely focused on them. So even if you’re home all day with your kids, this is not the same. With special time, you give up control as the parent and lose yourself in their world of play, whether it’s having a tea party with dolls, building a Lego mansion or wrestling on the bed. The activities should be creative, active and openended—for example, reading to them and playing board games don’t give the same result. The amount of time can be anywhere from a few minutes to an hour, but Rosensweet says it’s best to aim for 10 to 20 minutes per day, per child. If you have two parents and two kids, you can swap at the 15-minute mark and go another round, which would take 30 minutes in all. Or just swap kids every other day to keep it shorter. With three kids (or more), even 15 minutes can be overwhelming, so you might have to shorten it to 10 minutes so everyone gets a turn. If you’re solo parenting, you might have to send one of the kids to their room with an iPad—a last resort—while you’re having special time with their sibling. “A lot of people think of special time as spending the whole day with their child, and taking them places and spending money, but that’s not it at all,” says Rosensweet. “It’s immersing yourself in your child’s world, in their room or in the playroom, and saying, ‘I’m all yours. What do you want to play?’”

todaysparent.com January+February 2022

HOW IT WORKED FOR US Our new ritual goes something like this: Before my husband and I start making dinner, we set a 15-minute timer on our phones and play with our daughters, Alice and Edith, one on one. He’ll take the seven-year-old in one room, I’ll take the fiveyear-old in another and we’ll alternate the next day. Scheduling “Alice and Edie time” might sound like overkill but when we’re juggling jobs, housework, child care and a million distractions, sometimes it’s the only way we manage to squeeze in any time just to be fun with our kids. Apart from the time limit, the only rules for this routine are that we’re doing something imaginative or physical, there are no screens, and the kids call the shots. My little one likes to show me how to build dollhouses out of shoeboxes and knickknacks, or play “baby time”—where I fill up her water bottle and feed it to her like she’s an infant while she coos and gurgles in my lap. My eldest likes to balance on my feet like an airplane or ride me like a horse.

When kids feel connected to us, they want to be more co-operative. Our strong relationship with them is ultimately the most powerful way we can influence them.

TIPS AND TRICKS Once you’re willing to commit to special time, start by adding it to your to-do list every day. It can be any time of day that works for your family, but tell your kid when it’s going to be. Setting a timer also helps to manage expectations, but be prepared for big feelings when it’s over, says Rosensweet. You can treat them like scheduled meltdowns and respond with empathy, like, “I know! I love special time, too. It’s so hard when it’s over. We’ll do it again tomorrow.” You might wonder how you’ll think of new things to do every day, but here’s the best part: It’s better if you leave it up to your kids to come up with ideas. My younger child, Edie, is a natural at inventing magical worlds or random competitions, like a pretend sleeping contest where the silliest snorer wins. (Hot tip: The kid should always win.) But Alice, my first-born, likes structure. Rosensweet doesn’t recommend activities in which the kid is coming into the adult’s world, such as baking cookies, but Alice really loves to cook, so sometimes I’ll let her put me to work in the kitchen, inventing creative desserts like pretzel chips topped with vanilla ice cream and PB&J. Roughhousing is also a supercharged way to bond over physical play and laughter, says Rosensweet. As long as there’s no tickling, she warns. Many parenting experts say not to tickle because it triggers an involuntary response, and even if your kid is laughing, they still feel powerless. (My youngest still asks to be tickled, so I’m on the fence about that one.) Instead, Rosensweet recommends “tickling them one inch away from their body and saying something

Parenting ADVICE&REAL LIFE

During special time, you give up control as the parent and lose yourself in their world of play. Activities should be creative, active and open-ended.

PHOTO:STOCKSY

like, ‘I’m tickling you, I’m tickling you,’ and they still will laugh like crazy, because it’s funny.” Laughter is a great tool for connecting because when we laugh with somebody, our bodies make the hormone oxytocin, which plays an important role in bonding, she explains. It’s also a great way to off-load tension and stress. Roughhousing was never my thing, but now I start pillow fights or chase my daughters around the house. We’ve also adopted one of Rosensweet’s go-to games, when you turn your kid into a “pizza”—while they’re lying down, you roll out the “dough” as if their body is a rolling pin, spread the “sauce” out with a rubdown, sprinkle handfuls of “toppings” on them, “bake” them in the oven (under pillows), “slice” them with karate chops and then nibble them all over. THE RESULTS (FOR US, ANYWAY) My family has been doing special time four or five days a week for a few months now. My goal was to do it every day—it’s only 15 minutes, right?— but it’s challenging to fit it in around any plans. When we do pull it off, I always feel like it was worth more than just a few laughs. I’ve never been a so-called “fun mom”—preferring to cuddle with my girls or to watch them play while I’m comfortably seated on the couch or a park bench. But this has pushed me to lighten up, letting them see another, goofier side of me. I’m also getting to know them more deeply through the eyes of a kid, which is a little trippy but wonderful. My hus-

band—who’s always been better at being the fun dad, damn him—is noticing his relationship with the girls start to shift, too. They love having his undivided attention without the distractions of the phone and work. He’s noticed that they’re happier and that everyday conflicts are less extreme than they once were. It’s helped with sibling rivalry, too. I think my girls are more secure in my love for them. My five-year-old doesn’t want to be babied as much since she gets that kind of attention during special time and they are both more agreeable about going to bed after a couple of books and songs, as opposed to always begging for more. Some days it also seems like they’re listening better all around, which has been further helped by implementing other strategies, such as giving choices and making chore charts. I’m also working on being more patient (counting to 10 before responding helps) and nagging less. “When kids feel connected, they want to be more co-operative, but connection can’t be the only tool in the toolbox,” says Rosensweet. She also says the intentionality of the quality time is the key. Even if you’re a stay-at-home parent with a toddler and you feel like you’re with your kid 24/7 as it is, special time can still be a treat for them because they’ll have your complete attention. “It’s that phrase ‘I’m all yours for the next 15 minutes’ or ‘we’re going to spend time together,’” says Rosensweet. “Even a small child can understand that.” —Claire Sibonney

January+February 2022 todaysparent.com

ADVICE&REAL LIFE Living

Could this be the year your family goes electric? WHEN I WENT ELECTRIC CAR shopping four

years ago, I couldn’t find anything that matched the convenience, price and size of my Honda SUV. I guiltily ended up with a lease on another CR-V, betting that the technology would catch up to the needs of my family (wife, two boys, best friends, goalie equipment, Costco hauls and, now, a dog). Spoiler alert: It has. The new 2022 and 2023 electric SUVs hitting the market have erased most of the fears about going electric and, as they say in car speak, come loaded with some surprising extra features, too.

todaysparent.com January+February 2022

NO MORE ARGUMENTS ABOUT WHO FORGOT TO GAS UP “If I’m riding in somebody else’s vehicle, I’m like, ‘We have to go to the gas station?’ How annoying is that?” says Lisa Deacon, who has a six-yearold and a toddler and has been driving a zeroemissions car since 2019. For electric vehicle (EV) owners, “filling up” is just like charging a phone: You simply plug in your car overnight when electricity is cheap and you’re fully charged and ready for daycare drop-off in the morning. The stress of gas price hikes? Gone. “The cost of refu-

ILLUSTRATION: NAZARIO GRAZIANO

With a whole new generation of battery-electric SUVs hitting the market, the electric vehicle is finally family (and budget) friendly.

Living ADVICE&REAL LIFE

YES, YOU CAN STILL TAKE ROAD TRIPS Thanks to a leap in battery technology, the driving range on the long-range models of the Hyundai IONIQ 5 and Nissan Ariya crossover is about 480 km, and the entry-level Volkswagen ID.4 clocks in at about 400 km, which will easily zip you up to cottage country—or from Calgary to Canmore and back. Even if you do need to make a pit stop, one of the step-up improvements coming with the 2022 and 2023 introductions is faster charging speeds. That Hyundai, for instance, can go from 10 percent to 80 percent capacity in about 20 minutes at an ultra-fast charger, versus hanging around for an hour. Longer road trips, like that ride down to Florida, are without a doubt still going to require more planning while roadside charging networks become more reliable over the coming years. Still, this shouldn’t necessarily be a deal breaker. “We’re beyond the point now of feeling that it’s inconvenient,” says Di Cara. “It’s nice to plan and know where we’re going to go and visit the washroom, grab a coffee, take a break. And by the time we’ve sorted ourselves out, the charge is practically done and we’re back on our way.” Deacon, who is planning a road trip to Sydney, NS, this year, doesn’t stress about it either. “Like any family, you need to make a couple of stops anyhow, to keep the kids active.”

elling my car is $8 for 350 km of range,” says Nino Di Cara, a Toronto dad and founder of Electric Autonomy, a news outlet that reports on the lowcarbon vehicle transition. Since about 80 percent of EV charging happens at home, you’ll benefit most from the convenience if you can power up at your house. “And you don’t freeze your butt off in the middle of January at a gas pump,” adds Deacon, who lives 50 km outside of Ottawa and used to regularly commute into the capital. YOU DON’T HAVE TO DOWNSIZE While sedans and hatchbacks dominated the affordable EV market in the past, Volkswagen, Nissan and Hyundai have all introduced new electric SUVs with generous interior space, decent cargo room and optional AWD. (Toyota promises the bZ4X, similar to the RAV4, later this year.) Keep in mind that EVs are built differently than their gas predecessors, which usually means more room for passengers (and their stuff) in a smaller footprint. Some also have a “frunk”— a trunk in the front where you would normally have an engine.

IT’S THE RIGHT THING TO DO When you lease or buy another conventional vehicle, you’re locking yourself in to years of burning fossil fuels. The tipping point for Di Cara was dropping off his son, Dane, at school and seeing lines of cars parked and idling. “We’ve banned smoking near schools but we’re still letting toxic fumes from tailpipes loiter around our kids,” he says. According to Public Health Ontario, more than a quarter of elementary schools in the province are in the TRAP (trafficrelated air pollution) zone for high vehicle emission exposure. “Because of the pandemic, there are a lot of people who are moving out of the city looking for more space in the countryside,” adds Deacon, who lives rurally. “We knew there would be fewer public transit options. That was a big impetus for us to buy an electric vehicle so that, yes, our commute was farther, but it would also have a lower carbon footprint. It’s all about doing what you can and teaching our kids that we can try new things.” IT’S REALLY FUN TO DRIVE An EV is to the combustion car as the iPhone is to an old flip phone. It just feels like the future, gliding off silently when you turn it on (remember—there’s no actual “ignition” of flammable

January+February 2022 todaysparent.com

ADVICE&REAL LIFE Life

Electric vehicles plug in to charge. How does that work, exactly?

Level 1: Standard wall outlet Your car will come with a power cord that you simply plug into the car (you’ll ﬁnd the charge port where you’d usually ﬁnd the gas tank) and then into any normal wall outlet. The only drawback is speed: three to four nights to get back up to full charge. (Overnight charging lets you take advantage of time-of-use savings, since many utilities

fuels). “It’s a very calm, smooth experience because there are no cylinders firing and pistons vibrating in front of you,” explains Di Cara. “When you put your foot on the accelerator, the car just rolls forward in silence. It never gets old.” In the new models, the batteries span the centre of the car, rather than a heavy engine up top, which translates into a lower centre of gravity and better handling. EVs are also far more responsive, accelerating and decelerating immediately—what owners have dubbed one-pedal driving. This is thanks to a magical thing called regenerative braking, which uses the vehicle’s motor to slow itself down, recharging the battery in the process. This means that when you’re stuck in stop-and-go traffic, unlike a gas vehicle, which will burn more fuel, you actually lose less charge. (Not that it makes it any more fun with a hangry toddler in the back.) IT’S A BACKUP GENERATOR Your electric car is a car, but it’s also a giant battery. Some of the newer models, like the Hyundai IONIQ 5, feature a capability called vehicle-toload (V2L)—really just a fancy way of saying that you can plug things into it. (There’s an outlet outside the car, plus another one inside the cabin on certain trims.) That means you can sneak off to run a breast pump in the back seat at your friend’s vineyard wedding, or keep that freezer in your garage from thawing during a blackout. Automakers and charging-station manufacturers are also working on something called bidirectional charging, which could power your whole house during an outage, but only a few EVs, like the new Ford F-150 Lightning trucks and Nissan Leaf, are ready out of the box. As climate change makes weather more unpredictable,

todaysparent.com January+February 2022

charge higher peak daytime rates.) Level 2: Home charging station If you have a long commute, you’ll likely want to upgrade to a charger that will let you power up a nextgen SUV in about ﬁve hours. It’s a small box that can be mounted in your garage or outdoors and, like an electric dryer, draws more voltage (240 V). A licensed electrician

will need to handle the installation, and costs start at around $1,250 and up, including the dock. Level 3: Fast charger Also called DC charging, this is lightning fast and will charge your car in 20 to 40 minutes while you take a break on the highway. Chargers are a bit like Android and Apple: Note that Tesla superchargers aren’t compatible with other

vehicles. (And sorry, you can’t install one of these in your garage because it would cost more than your car.) If you can’t plug your car in at home– for instance, if you live in a condo and your board won’t budge on installing chargers, or you park your car on the street outside your home—you’ll lose most of the convenience of an EV until public chargers become more widespread.

this kind of resiliency won’t just be a party trick but the killer app that makes EVs essential.

Your electric car is a car, but it’s also a giant battery. That means you can sneak off to run an electric breast pump at your friend’s vineyard wedding, or keep your garage freezer on during a blackout.

THE GOVERNMENT WILL PAY YOU TO BUY ONE If you purchase or sign up for a 48-month lease on an eligible electric vehicle (base MSRP of $45,000 or less), the federal government will contribute up to $5,000. Crossover manufacturers have responded with sticker prices in the $40,000s to qualify. The result is a win-win for value-seeking families. Most provinces and territories (sorry, Ontario) offer additional incentives, meaning you can easily end up with $10,000 in combined incentives for a new vehicle purchase in some parts of the country, bringing the cost more in line with a comparable combustion vehicle. For a Quebec family looking to purchase a $44,995 Volkswagen ID.4, for instance, the real cost would be only $31,995 after both incentives— just a bit more than its Tiguan cousin, but with far lower ongoing maintenance costs. Plus, your local dealership is responsible for processing the paperwork and ensuring you receive the rebate. Deacon would love for more people to experience an EV to get over the mental hurdle. “You’re not giving anything up—you’re only adding to the convenience and the comfort,” she says. She’s even convinced her most skeptical relatives. “My dad’s a mechanic, and my uncle is a geologist in Alberta. They’ve both made their livelihoods off of oil and gas. But on their first drive with us, they were shocked at the power that an electric vehicle has. They were like, ‘Gosh, our nicest gas vehicles could never do what this vehicle does.’” Di Cara’s son, who’s eight and something of a racing car enthusiast, does have one regret about the switch to electric: “I wish it growled more. That sounds way cooler.” —Ilana Weitzman

ILLUSTRATION: NAZARIO GRAZIANO

Charging 101

The widest range of electrified vehicles in Canada . Ÿ

Plugged into you.

NEXO Hydrogen Fuel Cell

IONIQ Hybrid ELANTRA Hybrid

SONATA Hybrid

TUCSON Hybrid and Plug-in Hybrid

KONA Electric IONIQ 5 Electric

SANTA FE Hybrid and Plug-in Hybrid

At Hyundai, we are committed to the future of Canadian mobility. That’s why we’re happy to offer the widest range of electrified options in the country — more than any other manufacturer. So, whether you’re looking for the accessibility of a hybrid, the freedom of a plug-in hybrid, the cutting-edge technology of a fuel cell or the all-in power of electric, Hyundai is plugged into you.

hyundaicanada.com ™/®The Hyundai name, logos, product names, feature names, images and slogans are trademarks owned or licensed by Hyundai Auto Canada Corp.. All other trademarks and trade names are those of their respective owners. ʆClaim based on Autoplanner comparison as of August 2021. Hyundai Auto Canada Corp. is the only OEM in Canada to currently offer customers the option of four alternative powertrains, namely hybrid, electric, plug-in hybrid and fuel cell.

Some co-parents—sometimes referred to as “Disneyland dads”—start relying on novelties and dazzling adventures to compensate for their lack of parenting skills and their inability to connect with their kids in more fundamental, routine ways.

todaysparent.com January+February 2022

ILLUSTRATION: PETE RYAN

ADVICE&REAL LIFE Relationships

Relationships ADVICE&REAL LIFE

When your ex gives the kids the world—and you’re stuck with the grunt work Stuck with the heavy lifting while your indulgent ex plays “fun” parent, spoiling the kids with toys, treats and trips? It’s a common and incredibly frustrating dynamic. Here’s how to build boundaries, communicate better and maybe, just maybe, find some compassion for your co-parent. EVERY TWO WEEKS, NAOMI COOPER* SENDS her six-year-old daughter to her ex-husband’s house for the weekend, knowing her days will be packed with over-the-top excursions, new toys and late nights. Inevitably, her daughter returns home tired and grumpy, and complains that her mom doesn’t give her the same treats as Dad. “I’m always the bad guy,” Cooper says, sighing. It’s been like this for the two years she’s been co-parenting with her ex, but the dynamic was particularly troubling the Christmas her daughter returned from her dad’s house bragging about all the gifts she’d received and griping that her mother hadn’t given her more. “I looked her straight in the eye and told her Christmas is about spending time with family and I don’t have to buy her love,” says Cooper, who lives near Cobourg, Ont., and recently had a second child with her new partner. Although she knew it wasn’t the most “politically correct” thing to say, Cooper says she’s grown tired of her ex’s particular brand of indulgence and neglect. “He’s always got to show off, always be the best,” she says.

THERE’S A NAME FOR THIS PATTERN Cooper sees her ex-husband as a “Disneyland dad”—that is, all too willing to do fun stuff with their daughter, but unwilling to do the hard parenting, like enforcing a consistent bedtime or insisting vegetables are eaten. All of that heavy lifting falls to her. The expression “Disneyland dad” isn’t a new one. It shows up in parenting research dating back to the early 1980s, although it’s not clear

“A parent who creates non-stop fun for the kids runs the risk of their children eventually equating love with getting stuff.”

who coined the term. Initially, it was a cheeky reference to divorced fathers who spoiled their kids with big gifts and vacations, leaving the real burden of parenting to divorced moms. But since parental indulgence isn’t gender-specific, the terms “Disneyland mom” and “Disneyland parent” have sprung up in subsequent years. Clinical social worker and therapist Jenna Hill, who runs an individual and family counselling practice based in St. Thomas, Ont., has encountered plenty of Disneyland parents through her work with high-conflict co-parents, but she first came across the dynamic in her own life. After splitting with her ex-husband when their daughter was small, Hill continued to be the “grunt-work parent,” as she puts it, while he became a Disneyland dad who dodged the hard parenting in favour of fun parenting (including an actual trip to Disneyland one year). Twice a month, Hill’s daughter would spend the weekend with her father and return home exhausted and full of attitude. Good times were had, but not a lot of real parenting, she says. “He wouldn’t brush her hair and would feed her too much soda and chips—and all of the things that went against my mommy radar.” At the same time, she knew her ex-husband to be a decent human being and loving father who only got to see his daughter twice a month, so she let it go—not just the laissez-faire parenting, but the extravagant gifts and trips she couldn’t afford as a single mom. Hill, who is more introverted, reminded herself that she didn’t want to do most of that stuff anyway. “I don’t make every day an adventure,” she laughs. “Here’s the adventure: It’s lunch!”

January+February 2022 todaysparent.com

ADVICE&REAL LIFE Relationships

DOES DISNEYLAND PARENTING HURT KIDS? After each monthly visit, Hill’s daughter needed a couple of days to get back into her usual routine—and shake off the sass—with some help from her mom. Hill would remind her kiddo of the rules and boundaries of their household, and began to anticipate this behaviour and a few days’ grace period as her daughter readjusted. Without a doubt, Disneyland parenting is tough on the other parent, says Hill, but it isn’t necessarily harmful to the children—at least, not if both parents are on decent terms and don’t openly criticize the other’s choices. “A lot of it relies on the ‘non-fun’ parent to be able to say, ‘That’s so nice that Mommy got that for you, but we have some rules around that in this house,’” says Hill. In her experience, it’s possible to celebrate a child’s positive experience with the other parent—even if you don’t agree with it—and maintain the rules of your home. Children can accept different rules at different houses provided they’re clear and consistent. Of course, it’s hard when the Disneyland parent isn’t just spoiling the child, but trying to outdo their ex. Hill has seen this dynamic at work in families, too, and, while it can be malicious, the competitive parent is often unaware of it. They may be in denial and not ready, or willing, to see what they’re doing, even if it’s pointed out to them gently and diplomatically. But regardless of a co-parent’s motivations, the grunt-work parent must manage their feelings and resist taking the bait. “You can’t compete with a parent who has more,” says Hill. “And, emotionally, you don’t need to compete with the other parent, because your child will always love both of you.” In fact, if you’re anxious that your Disneyland co-parent may damage your relationship with your child, don’t worry: Parent-child bonds aren’t built upon a regular influx of new toys or damaged by regular chores. “Throughout my entire career, a child has never said, ‘I like it better at my dad’s house because he lets me have the tablet whenever I want,’” says Hill. And, in her own life, Hill has maintained her close bond with her now-adult daughter, while supporting the relationship with her father. Ultimately, it isn’t toys and treats that build connection between parents and children. Hill points out that children form secure attachments when their parents consistently meet their physical and emotional needs, and they spend time together—something that doesn’t need to happen at a theme park. Simple activities and predictable, comforting rituals like reading together at bedtime each night can create the bonds children need to feel safe and loved.

todaysparent.com January+February 2022

Whether it’s intentional or not, “Disneyland parenting” often stems from a parent’s guilt around the divorce. Indulging a child functions as a misguided apology, and it sends the wrong message.

While Disneyland parenting may not harm a child’s relationship with their parents, some experts worry that it could lead to other, more insidious, harm. Karen Skinulis, a psychotherapist specializing in parenting and family issues in Richmond Hill, Ont., worries about the longterm impact of Disneyland parenting on a child’s development. “In a Disneyland world, it’s all fun and there’s no responsibility, and not a lot expected of children,” she says. If we see parenting as a matter of preparing children for life, Disneyland parenting may be a cruel set-up. A parent who constantly creates non-stop fun for the kids runs the risk of their children equating love with getting stuff, of course, but also coming to expect nonstop fun, and perhaps even believing that others are obliged to make them happy. And, when they inevitably don’t get what they want, a heavily indulged child may feel a disproportionate amount of disappointment and anger. This does nothing to prepare kids for adult life, which is filled with disappointments, small and large, that we must navigate with grace. “We want to help children experience boundaries and limits while they’re growing up, so they’re very comfortable with it and have a lot of practice,” says Skinulis. Another possible side effect is even more subtle or indirect. Megan Vandersluys, a registered clinical counsellor in Nanaimo, BC, notes that Disneyland parenting often stems from a parent’s guilt around the divorce. Indulging a child may function as a kind of misguided apology, whether this is the intent or not. “If a child is stuck in the grief and loss [of divorce] and one parent is constantly trying to make up for it, this reinforces the idea that ‘this must be a terrible thing that happened to me, poor me,’” explains Vandersluys. Instead, a parent should build a child’s resilience by teaching them that we all live through difficult things and have the ability to move on with our lives. “Constantly parenting out of guilt and trying to make up for the divorce years and years later” really sends the wrong message, she says. RELATING TO YOUR CO-PARENT Melanie Taylor* has not one, but two Disneyland parents in her life: her ex-husband (the father of her 11-year-old daughter) and, after she remarried, her new husband’s ex-wife (the mother of her two step-kids). In both co-parenting situations, she and her new partner are the heavylifting grunt-work parents compared to their more indulgent, permissive exes. She says none of the three kids complain that they don’t get the treats they get from their other

Relationships ADVICE&REAL LIFE

ILLUSTRATION: PETE RYAN

According to experts, kids can accept diﬀering rules at diﬀerent households, provided they’re clear and consistent.

parents, like new toys and clothes or regular trips to McDonald’s—all three seem content to spend time together as a family. “I think that’s what most kids want,” says the Lethbridge, Alta., mom. “It gets old fast when you just buy them things all of the time.” At the same time, it’s hard to watch both Disneyland parents spoiling the kids while shirking their responsibilities. In the case of her exhusband, Taylor finds herself not only playing the role of the “un-fun” parent, but also pushing him to deliver on the extravagant promises he makes to their daughter. On her last birthday, he promised her a gift of $500 but didn’t deliver until Taylor nudged him several times; when the money materialized, he’d cut it down to $250. Although she didn’t agree with the extravagant gift, Taylor figured it would be worse for her daughter if he failed to follow through. “I feel like I’m the only one keeping their relationship afloat,” she says with a sigh. For “un-fun” parents, Disneyland parenting can be downright aggravating, but a little bit of compassion can go a long way, says Carol Futerman, a registered psychotherapist and counsellor with Family Service Toronto. Consider the possibility that your ex-spouse is unknowingly acting out of guilt over the divorce, fear of loss, or some other emotional baggage.

Your co-parent may also simply lack the parenting skills to cope with stress or bond with the kids without relying on special gifts or outings. “Sometimes, people are just not equipped,” she says. These parents struggle to connect through mundane activities like bedtime or cooking dinner, and don’t do the hard work of maintaining boundaries and routines. They could be using treats and novelty to compensate for their inability to connect in more fundamental ways. And sometimes parents are just too stressed or distracted to remember that a few dedicated minutes of simply sitting and colouring pictures with your kid, or playing hide-and-seek around the house, can strengthen a relationship more than a trip to the toy store. With a little compassion, it may be possible to broach the topic of your ex’s Disneyland parenting. Futerman recommends starting a conversation by validating your ex’s experience, just as you would with your child in an effort to calm them. If you’ve noticed patterns, mention your observations about your child’s behaviour when they return to your home, and be clear on what you’re asking your ex to do. It’s also important to recognize that they don’t have to agree. “There is a bit of an art to the communication,” Futerman says. “Of course, no one responds well to accusations.” She recommends identifying common ground or a common goal in this difficult conversation, and approaching the possible outcome with curiosity. Statements like “I wonder what we can do to work on that” may help. But be discerning about what you bring up with your co-parent, says Skinulis. As much as you may disagree with your ex’s parenting methods, you’re going to want to choose your battles. (A couple of late nights and overdoing it on the candy is not going to stunt your child’s growth or cause permanent health issues, for instance). If your co-parenting relationship is tenuous, it may be best to bring up the parenting choices that pose real risks to your child’s emotional or physical health, and leave the smaller stuff alone in the interests of co-parenting harmony. This can be hard, but part of co-parenting is accepting you can’t control what happens on the other side, even if you have to deal with the consequences. “The only thing you have control over is your own life decisions and how you’re going to parent your child,” Skinulis says. There may be no happily ever after with a Disneyland parent, but on your side of the castle, you call the shots. “That’s one of the more positive things about being a single parent,” says Skinulis. “You don’t have to compromise.” —Caitlin Crawshaw *Names have been changed.

January+February 2022 todaysparent.com

Why is Vitamin D So Important? Is your baby getting enough? CREATED FOR DDROPS

Babies need vitamin D to help build strong bones, muscles and teeth.

It’s called the sunshine vitamin because our bodies produce vitamin D when exposed to direct sunlight. But sunscreen, which protects against harmful UV rays, prevents the production of vitamin D.

Health Canada and the Canadian Paediatric Society recommend all breastfed babies receive a daily vitamin D supplement of 400 IU from birth. For children 1 year and older, the Dietary Recommended Intake for vitamin D is 600 IU daily.

BREASTMILK CAN BE LOW IN VITAMIN D, WHICH IS WHY PAEDIATRICIANS RECOMMEND SUPPLEMENTING FROM DAY ONE.

Canada's #1 selling infant vitamin* Ddrops® JT BO FBTZ BOE FŢFDUJWF XBZ UP HJWF ZPVS baby their recommended intake of vitamin D: 9 Just one drop 9 Made with two simple ingredients: vitamin D and fractionated coconut oil 9 No preservatives, additives, artiﬁcial ﬂavours or colours and is free from common allergens

For babies 0-12 months

For children 1 year and older

9 Tasteless and odourless 9 Non GMO

Happy&Healthy Latest studies, family wellness, better living

History lesson Toboggan is from the Mi'kmaw word tobakun. The Inuit made the first ones out of whale bone. N OW YOU K N OW !

PHOTO: STOCKSY

HEAD FOR THE HILLS Your kids will tell you that sledding is one of the best things about winter, so get out there at the ﬁrst sight of a decent snowfall—but keep safety top of mind.

When you’re looking for the perfect way to spend a sunny winter a ernoon with the kids, there might be nothing be er than your local hill. Sledding is inexpensive, requires no real athletic ability and gets everyone outside and active. Still, the pastime isn’t without some risks. Kids are

far more likely than adults to end up in the emergency department from sledding injuries, which are most o en due to collisions with obstacles like trees, other sledders, the ground or even their own ride. What’s more, they're most likely to injure their head, which is why the Canadian

Paediatric Society says children should wear a ski or hockey helmet (a bike helmet won't cut it). Ask your kids to kneel or sit feet ﬁrst when they head down the hill—those are the safer positions while tobogganing. That means sliding on their stomach, headﬁrst, while thrilling, is a no-no.

January+February 2022 todaysparent.com

HAPPY&HEALTHY Need to know

HOUSE OF PAIN It’s something you learn early in pregnancy: Advil’s a no-no, Tylenol’s OK. But in September, the rule of thumb was called into question. Here’s what expectant parents need to know.

R TL ; D O L N E L TY I LL IS ST OK

PREGNANCY CAN COME with

lots of aches and pains. For relief, many turn to acetaminophen—known by the brand name Tylenol—since ibuprofen (Advil) is not recommended in pregnancy, especially after 20 weeks, because it can result in low amniotic fluid. But that practice was challenged in September, when a consensus statement was published in the journal Nature Reviews Endocrinology. Authored by a group of 13 scientists and doctors, it said—based on research they’d reviewed— they were concerned that taking acetaminophen (also known as paracetamol in many parts of the world) in pregnancy could potentially alter fetal development, which could increase the risk of certain neurodevelopmental disorders, as well as disorders that affect the reproductive and urinary tracts and the fetus’s genitals. Based on their analysis, the group called for a review and an immediate update to healthcare guidance. They said pregnant people should be advised to avoid

taking acetaminophen unless medically necessary; that they should check with a physician or pharmacist if they’re not sure if it’s necessary or before longterm use; and that they should minimize exposure by using the lowest effective dose for the shortest possible time. Here’s the good news: According to the Society of Obstetricians and Gynaecologists of Canada, that’s already the current practice in Canada. And, in a response to the statement, the SOGC stated that the evidence of a direct or causal link between taking acetaminophen and an increased risk of a fetus developing these disorders is “weak and has many fundamental flaws.” Based on available evidence, it will continue to recommend using acetaminophen for fever and pain in pregnancy, as long as it’s at the recommended dose and for the shortest duration needed. This is welcome reassurance for pregnant people who have limited options for pain management. —Alex Mlynek

New&Improved Looking for ways to keep your kid active during the cold winter months? Maybe a new gym buddy will inspire them. Kids can practise the bu erﬂy pose with Belle on a cushioned yoga mat or throw down squats with the Hulk using a weighted sandbag, thanks to the new GoZone Kids ﬁtness line featuring Disney princesses and Marvel superheroes. From $5, walmart.ca

Couples having trouble conceiving can now test for one of the main causes of male infertility from the privacy of their own homes. Ovry, the Canadian company known for its aﬀordable pregnancy and ovulation tests, has launched a quick and easy-to-use kit to check for low sperm concentration in semen. $62, myovry.ca

Snuggling up with this chunky knit weighted blanket feels a lot like a warm hug. Designed to promote be er sleep by relaxing the body and calming anxious minds, the 6-pound Nappling is made from layers of organic co on, so it’s super so , but still breathable. Safe for the washer and dryer. From $179, bearaby.ca

You already know that kids should eat fruits and vegetables, and research out of the UK oﬀers a surprising new reason why. Close to 9,000 children reported their daily dietary choices and took part in tests of mental well-being that covered cheerfulness, relaxation and having good interpersonal relationships. Researchers found that eating more fruits and veggies was linked with positive mental health, and that kids who ate ﬁve or more portions per day had the highest scores. Perhaps unsurprisingly, they also found those who drank only energy drinks for breakfast had particularly low scores.

todaysparent.com January+February 2022

PHOTO:STOCKSY

NEW STUDY

Pregnancy HAPPY&HEALTHY

Have it your way

ILLUSTRATION: NEIL WEBB

Trying for a vaginal birth after a previous C-section isn’t a risky choice. In fact, it might even lead to better outcomes for mom and baby. In most cases, the decision should be yours to make. Here’s what you need to know. WHEN LISA LOGULLO, who lives in Calgary, was pregnant with her third baby, she knew she wanted to try for a VBAC—a vaginal birth after Caesarian—and her doctor agreed that it was a good choice. After a relatively straightforward vaginal birth with her first child, LoGullo ended up with an emergency C-section with her second. “I much preferred the vaginal delivery because the recovery was so much easier,” she says. “Plus, I enjoyed the process of actually being in labour and having it all unfold with my husband and sister there.”

January+February 2022 todaysparent.com

HAPPY&HEALTHY Pregnancy

More and more evidence shows that VBACs are a safe option for the majority of people who have had C-sections before. And yet they’re declining in popularity across Canada: In 1995/96, 35 percent of births after a C-section were vaginal, and in 2015/16, only 19 percent of them were. That’s mostly because of an incorrect belief that VBACs are risky, says Leslie Po, an OB/GYN at Sunnybrook Health Sciences Centre in Toronto. “There’s a misconception that you can’t have vaginal delivery after a C-section, but about 90 percent of people who’ve had one C-section are eligible for it,” says Po. In fact, recently updated guidelines from the Society of Obstetricians and Gynaecologists of Canada go so far as to recommend a VBAC over a planned Caesarian for those who are considered good candidates. Here’s what you need to know about VBACs. LEARN THE LINGO A VBAC is when someone who’s had a C-section before gives birth vaginally in a subsequent pregnancy. You might hear your doctor or midwife call it TOLAC, which stands for “trial of labour after Caesarian.” This encompasses the fact that the decision is really whether to try to give birth vaginally, not whether you achieve it. “I prefer TOLAC because it describes the process rather than the outcome,” says Anna Meuser, a midwife in Mississauga, Ont., and chair of the Clinical Practice Guidelines Committee at the Association of Ontario Midwives. WHY ARE DOCS AND MIDWIVES SO INTO VBACS? The key benefit of a VBAC is that it avoids the risks that come with any Caesarian. “Even though a C-section is a common surgery, and it’s generally safe, any surgery comes with risks,” says Meuser. Those include blood loss, infection in the incision and complications from the surgery, like injuries to the bladder and other organs. Also, babies who are birthed vaginally are less likely to have breathing issues, which are typically mild but occasionally do require time in the NICU. A vaginal birth also saves you from the intense recovery a C-section requires. “Anytime I would cough, laugh or sneeze, the cut would hurt,” remembers LoGullo. You’ll spend less time at the hospital recovering, and have less pain, says Meuser, adding that it can also be easier to establish breastfeeding after a vaginal birth because you can breastfeed right away. This is because the hormones beneficial to breastfeeding, like oxytocin and prolactin, are released in greater quantities during and after giving birth vaginally, Meuser says. With a Caesarian, milk pro-

todaysparent.com January+February 2022

A VBAC that ends in a vaginal birth is the safest option for both mother and baby. A planned C-section is the second safest, and a VBAC that ends in an unplanned Caesarian is the least safe.

duction may be delayed—although many people have no issues with breastfeeding after a C-section. You might also find it easier to position the baby more comfortably when feeding following a vaginal delivery. Having a VBAC also reduces the chances of problems with future pregnancies. The most serious is the risk that future placentas will attach to scar tissue from the C-section, a condition called placenta accreta, which can cause severe hemorrhaging after birth. “The more C-sections you have, the more the risk of those placental problems increases. For people planning on having more children, this can be important,” says Meuser. VBACS AREN’T WITHOUT THEIR RISKS The main risk of a VBAC is a uterine rupture, which is when the scar inside the uterus from the previous C-section tears, due to the uterus expanding and contracting during labour. “If that scar opens up while you’re labouring, it can have very significant consequences,” says Po. One is blood loss, which can be serious enough to require a blood transfusion. Another is an injury to an organ, like the bladder. There are also risks to the baby: A uterine tear can cause the placenta to detach, which can lead to oxygen deprivation or even death. And while the risks to the baby in a VBAC are higher than they are in an elective or planned C-section, they’re still rare. There’s a one-in-200 chance of uterine rupture, and if that happens, there’s a three-in-10,000 chance of fetal loss, says Po. Doctors will work to mitigate the risks, though. Inducing labour can contribute to uterine rupture because the uterus contracts more than it would during spontaneous labour. So if you’re having a VBAC, your doctor or midwife won’t use certain types of medicine to get labour going. Instead, they might use a Foley catheter balloon, which stretches the cervix rather than using contractions to dilate it, says Po. To avoid an induction, your doctor or midwife may try to jump-start things using a stretch and sweep, where they use their fingers to separate the amniotic sac from the cervix. You can also choose to book a C-section that you would opt for if you don’t go into labour spontaneously. The bottom line is, a VBAC that ends in a vaginal birth is the safest option for both mother and baby, a planned C-section is the second safest and a VBAC that ends in an unplanned C-section is the least safe. That’s because when the C-section is done in an emergency—for example, due to concerns about the baby’s heart rate—the procedure happens faster, which can lead to trouble, says Po. “Complications can arise, whereas

Pregnancy HAPPY&HEALTHY

because the baby was breech, or there were concerns about the baby’s heart rate, it’s more likely that a VBAC will work, says Po. If it was because labour wasn’t progressing well or it didn’t start spontaneously, it’s more likely that those problems might repeat themselves and a VBAC will end in a C-section. Chat with your healthcare provider about your personal risk, and weigh it against your own preferences. “I have some patients who say, even if there’s only a 15 percent chance that things would happen vaginally, they want to try, while others say, even if there’s a 75 certain chance, they want a C-section,” says Po.

ILLUSTRATION: NEIL WEBB

in a planned C-section, there is plenty of time to organize and perform the surgery in a more controlled manner.” WHAT ARE THE CHANCES A VBAC WILL BE SUCCESSFUL? VBACs end in a vaginal birth about 75 percent of the time. Interestingly, the success rate is largely based on things that happened before you even got pregnant. For example, have a peek at your C-section scar. Those with a low horizontal cut tend to be well-suited for vaginal birth, while those with a T-shaped incision or a classical incision (a vertical cut higher up, near the belly button) aren’t, because those incisions are more likely to rupture. Don’t worry if you don’t know what kind you have—your doc will look at the report from your previous C-section to confirm your incision type. Both classical and T-shaped incisions are rare these days, says Meuser. Beyond that, a good candidate is somebody who has had at least 18 months between deliveries and who has had only one C-section, says Po. Being younger, having a BMI under 30 and not having high blood pressure each also increases the chances of an attempted VBAC ending in a vaginal birth. The other thing doctors and midwives consider is the reason for the last C-section. If it was

It’s a myth that you need a specialist to do a VBAC. Family doctors and midwives do them regularly. But it’s highly recommended that you deliver in a hospital, not at home.

DO YOU NEED TO BE IN A HOSPITAL FOR A VBAC? It’s strongly recommended by obstetric guidelines. While there isn’t definitive research to say that a hospital birth will lead to better outcomes than a home VBAC, the recommendation makes sense to many doctors and midwives, including Meuser. That’s because the first sign of a uterine rupture is usually issues with the baby’s heart rate. During a home birth or at a birthing centre, midwives use intermittent monitoring to check the baby’s heartbeat every five to 30 minutes. But in a VBAC, continuous monitoring is recommended instead. That’s only available in hospitals, though both doctors and midwives can oversee it there. The other reason is that TOLACs have to be done where a C-section is accessible, says Po. If things go sideways and you need an emergency C-section or a blood transfusion, being in a hospital already means you can get the help you need quickly, with no travel time. Research shows that outcomes of uterine rupture are worse when there’s a longer wait to surgery. But it’s a myth that you need a specialist to do a VBAC—family doctors and midwives regularly do VBACs and can stay in charge of your care throughout the birth, even if it’s in a hospital. Some midwives with extra training, like Meuser, can even assist in a C-section if that’s where a VBAC ends. As for LoGullo, she’s glad she chose to try for a VBAC, and it worked out well for her. She gave birth with her husband and sister in the room, and was able to be home two days later, taking care of her oldest two kids without surgical recovery to contend with. “I was definitely relieved and happy,” she says. “It felt like the best way to end my birthing journey.” But had it not worked out, as planned VBACs sometimes don’t, she absolutely should not have felt like she failed, adds Meuser: “Having a repeat C-section is not at all a failure. It’s just another way to have a baby.”—Vanessa Milne

January+February 2022 todaysparent.com

Good news: If your kid hates vegetables, dietitians say they can actually get most of what they need from fruit instead. But for kids who refuse both, a multivitamin can be a tempting solution.

todaysparent.com January+February 2022

PHOTO: STOCKSY

HAPPY&HEALTHY Nutrition

Nutrition HAPPY&HEALTHY

Are multivitamins magic? When kids don’t eat much beyond nuggets and fries, some parents resort to a daily multivitamin. Here’s what the experts say about that approach. IF YOU’VE EVER BEGGED, bribed or forced your

kid to eat even just a few bites of vegetables at the dinner table, then you probably know all about the gnawing concern that your kids might not be getting the vitamins and nutrients they need. Maybe you’ve even turned to a kids’ multivitamin as an “insurance policy” to make sure they’re getting enough of the right nutrients. But is that a good idea? Here’s what you need to know. SHOULD MY KIDS BE TAKING VITAMINS? If your child eats a well-balanced diet and is otherwise healthy, they probably don’t need extra vitamin or multivitamin supplementation beyond vitamin D, says Joseph Wiley, interim chief of paediatrics at Markham Stouffville Hospital in Markham, Ont. “I don’t know that there is evidence to say there’s much to be gained by providing supplementation outside of a broadbased diet,” he says. Vitamin D is the exception because it can be tough to get enough through diet and sun exposure alone, says Andrea Carpenter, registered dietitian and founder of Toronto-based NutriKidz. Health Canada recommends a daily dietary allowance (RDA) of 600 IU (international units) for kids over 12 months, while babies need about 400 IU a day. Lyndsay Hall, a registered dietitian in Toronto, recommends providing about 200 IU to kids through food and the rest through supplementation. One cup (250 mL) of orange juice with added vitamin D can provide about 100 IU, as does a cup of cow’s milk. To get children the remaining 400 IU via supplemen-

Pretty much every kid would beneﬁt from taking vitamin D, which is hard to get from diet and sun alone. And children on a vegan diet might need B12, since it’s mostly found in animal products.

tation, Hall recommends drops. “Kids can have issues swallowing capsules and tablets,” she says, noting that chewables and gummies often have added sugars, which aren’t great for oral health. She’s also wary of kids associating sweet gummy vitamins with candy, which can be dangerous if a toddler accidentally gets ahold of the bottle unattended. Breastfed babies under one need a vitamin D supplement of 400 IU via drops, since breastmilk alone does not provide enough vitamin D for infants. The Canadian Paediatric Society says formulas fortified with 400 IU of vitamin D per litre should be enough to meet a baby’s needs, so babies on formula don’t typically need a supplement. WHEN ARE VITAMINS TRULY NECESSARY? Some kids with chronic diseases or disorders can benefit. Wiley says kids with cystic fibrosis, for example, have difficulty obtaining enough nutrients from their diet and their doctor may recommend vitamin supplementation. This is also true of children who have severely restricted diets for sensory reasons—for example, some kids with autism spectrum disorder. Supplementing with a single nutrient, rather than a multivitamin, may also be necessary for kids following vegan or vegetarian diets. Hall says she sometimes recommends vitamin B12 for vegan kids; they’re at a greater risk of developing a deficiency since B12 is mostly found in animal products, like meat, milk and cheese, which vegans don’t eat.

January+February 2022 todaysparent.com

HAPPY&HEALTHY Nutrition

WHAT ABOUT MY PICKY EATER? As tempting as it is to throw in the towel and let your fussy-eating kid go wild on chicken strips and then just supplement with vitamins or multivitamins, it’s generally best to work on broadening your kid’s diet first before resorting to supplementation, says Wiley. Even if they are eating only small amounts of food from each of the main food groups, Hall says they’re more often than not getting what they need. This “food-first” approach is useful because it helps kids (and parents!) learn to persevere through periods of food pickiness. If parents are constantly relying on a vitamin to round out a picky-eating-child’s diet, it may make the child even more resistant to certain foods because they know there is a backup plan. Hall says it’s perfectly normal for kids to go through periods of refusing certain foods or food types, and parents can help their kids overcome these temporary aversions in a few ways. She suggests offering the disliked food alongside something parents know their kids love and especially when their kid is hungriest. The most important thing to remember? Persistence. “Sometimes it can take up to 15 tries for a child to actually decide whether they like a food or not,” says Hall. Carpenter says cases of extreme pickiness, where kids are missing entire food groups, may warrant supplementation until she and the family are able to successfully integrate that food group and/or nutritional gap into the kid’s regular diet. But before jumping to a supplement, it can be useful to review your child’s eating habits over the course of a few days to a week to try to accurately judge if there really are any gaps or

deficiencies. Carpenter says this week-long approach is preferred because although kids may not get all the nutrients they need in one day or meal, they may still be getting enough over the course of a few days.

Giving your kid a multivitamin coupled with a healthy diet is pretty low risk, but it’s a good idea to check with your child’s doctor ﬁrst.

MY KID’S DIET IS PRETTY BALANCED BUT I GIVE THEM A MULTIVITAMIN ANYWAY. IS THAT OK? Wiley sees this frequently and doesn’t talk parents out of it. “It’s common behaviour,” he says, adding that it’s ultimately a parent’s choice. What about the risk of vitamin toxicity or overdose? The nutrient levels in many multivitamin products are high enough to have an effect on a kid’s nutrient stores, but are nonetheless fairly low, says Hall, so generally speaking, giving your kid a multivitamin coupled with a healthy diet is pretty low risk. But take the time to run supplements by your kid’s doctor first to confirm that your child won’t end up exceeding the daily maximum for any given vitamin or mineral. SHOULD I BOOST MY KID WITH VITAMINS IF I THINK THEY’RE GETTING SICK? According to Carpenter, there really is no quick fix when it comes to preventing or reducing the severity of colds and common illnesses, so loading your kid up on vitamin C at the first sign of the sniffles isn’t the best solution. “It doesn’t really work like that,” she says. Instead, Carpenter says your best bet is again to focus on diet and offering kids a variety of fruits, vegetables, whole grains, healthy fats and proteins to keep their young bodies fit and strong.

SHOPPING TIPS Four things to consider if you’re adding a vitamin to your kid’s daily routine. The decision to supplement your kids’ diets with vitamins or multivitamins is up to you, but it’s always best to seek out the expertise of a paediatrician or registered dietitian to make sure supplementation is necessary and will be helpful to your kid’s growth and development. If you do choose to supplement, it’s time to hit the drugstore. Here’s what to know when buying vitamins for your li les.

Look for a product with a natural product number (NPN) on it. In Canada, this means the product has been examined by Health Canada and deemed “safe, eﬀective and of high quality.” Check to see if the item 2 has been third-party tested. This means it has been assessed by an external organization to ensure that there aren’t any undeclared ingredients or contaminants within the supplement and that

todaysparent.com January+February 2022

the ingredient amounts listed on the bo le are accurate. You can look for a third-party-tested logo or visit the supplement’s website to conﬁrm. Read the ingredients 3 listed on the bo le. Carpenter suggests steering clear as much as possible of sugars and artiﬁcial dyes, which are usually found in the nonmedicinal ingredients section of the label. Remember that vitamin types and levels will vary with each multivitamin

product, so it’s important to choose one that aligns with your child’s speciﬁc needs. Understand your 4 child’s abilities and maturity. Can they handle a chewable tablet or gummy, or is a liquid or drop more suitable? Are they old enough to swallow a capsule? Carpenter says gummy formats are OK, but advises they generally don’t contain as many vitamins and minerals as chewable or swallowable tablets.

Nutrition HAPPY&HEALTHY

PHOTO: STOCKSY

HOW SAFE ARE SUPPLEMENTS? It’s not impossible to have too much of a good thing. Every nutrient has what’s called a tolerable upper intake level (UL), which is the maximum amount a person can take through food and supplements without risking adverse effects on their health. Each nutrient and vitamin has a different UL, and that amount also fluctuates depending on age and sometimes gender. The UL for vitamin D, for example, is 2,500 IU for kids ages one to three, 3,000 IU for kids ages four to eight and 4,000 for kids nine and up. Considering the recommended daily dose of vitamin D for kids over age one is only 600 IU, it may seem unlikely that you’ll reach toxic levels, but it can happen, especially in situations where your child is actually eating a balanced diet and then consuming high levels of supplements on top of it. The same goes for children consuming both a multivitamin and nutrient-specific vitamins, like vitamin C or D. So if you’re already giving your kid a vitamin D supplement, for example, it’s probably best to avoid a multivitamin with vitamin D as well. Carpenter says overdoing it with certain types of vitamins or minerals may cause kids to feel symptoms like nausea, vomiting, stomach pain, constipation, diarrhea and/or headaches. This is especially true of vitamin D, which, when taken excessively, can also cause high calcium levels in our blood and then lead to calcium or kidney stones. Iron is another supplement to be careful of when it comes to toxicity, especially with regard to kids, says Hall. Health Canada’s recommended dietary allowance for children ages one to three is 7 mg per day, and 10 mg for those ages four to eight. If a child consumes a level exceeding the UL of 40 mg per day, the result could be organ failure or even death. However, Wiley says children’s vitamins don’t generally contain iron, and if they do, it’s usually in very small amounts. To limit toxicity risks, it’s always safest to check in with a doctor or nutritionist to establish both if your kid actually needs vitamins and, if so, what kinds and which doses. But if you do choose to supplement on your own, be wary of nutrient levels in both multivitamin and singlenutrient products and make sure you’re staying within the recommended allowances. WHAT ABOUT FISH OIL AND PROBIOTICS? Fish oil is known to contain high levels of omega-3 fatty acids like DHA, which research shows can help promote things like cognitive health and brain function in adults and kids. Still, both Wiley and Hall say the research is too new and insufficiently robust to recommend the

Fish oil is widely believed to promote cognitive health and brain function, but the safest way to get it into your kids is through their diet.

supplements to their paediatric patients. The safest way to get omega-3 fatty acids into your kid is through their diet. Chia and flax seeds, walnuts and, of course, different types of fish like salmon and mackerel are all great sources. It’s a similar situation with probiotics— research in this area is still developing, says Wiley. He does note some limited studies that show probiotics can potentially help resolve diarrhea and stomach pain, although the results aren’t definitive and the studies are still new. This is why he doesn’t actively recommend probiotics to kids, but he says that they can be a safe and reasonable option for children. It may not be necessary to give your kid a probiotic supplement, though, if they’re already getting it in food products like yogurt. Other natural sources of probiotics are fermented foods like sauerkraut and kimchee. Worth a try, right?—Arisa Valyear

January+February 2022 todaysparent.com

SƖ ǉŨƫƎ įíśļŒǉ İėƣƣļŝİ enough magnesium? Sį ŝŨƣ ǉŨƫ śļİķƣ ŝŨƣļĉė í Đėǝ ŝļƣė Œíĉŏ Ũį CALM. FƎŨś ƣļŝǉ ƣŨƣƖ ƣŨ ƋíƎėŝƣƖ ǃė íŒŒ ŝėėĐ śíİŝėƖļƫś įŨƎ ƖŒėėƋ ƖƣƎėƖƖ Ƌíļŝ íŝĐ śŨƎė }ƫƎ ƣŨƣíŒ ķėíŒƣķ ĐėƋėŝĐƖ Ũŝ ƣķļƖ ķíƎĐɞǃŨƎŏļŝİ śļŝėƎíŒ ƣķíƣɩƖ ķíƎĐ ƣŨ İėƣ ƣķƎŨƫİķ Đļėƣ ɚ íŝĐ ėíƖļŒǉ ĐėƋŒėƣėĐ

Getting enough śíİŝėƖļƫś ļƖ ŏėǉ ɚ Ĉƫƣ ļƣ ƖķŨƫŒĐŝɩƣ Ĉė í ĉķŨƎė ¸ķíƣɩƖ ǃķǉ ƣķėƎėɩƖ ríƣƫƎíŒ íŒśɩƖ Œļŝė Ũį ėíƖǉ ĐėŒļĉļŨƫƖ śíİŝėƖļƫś ƖƫƋƋŒėśėŝƣƖ ÝŨƫɩŒŒ íŒƖŨ ŝŨƣļĉė that ríƣƫƎíŒ íŒś ǃŨƎŏƖ įíƖƣ ¸ķíƣɩƖ because we use ķļİķŒǉɞíĈƖŨƎĈíĈŒė magnesium that gets straight to ǃŨƎŏ ĈƎļŝİļŝİ ǉŨƫ much-needed ĉíŒś ¸ķíƣɩƖ ǃķǉ ríƣƫƎíŒ íŒś is ĈíĉŏėĐ Ĉǉ ĐŨǓėŝƖ of awards and 5-star reviews.

ǂíļŒíĈŒė ļŝ ŨƎİíŝļĉ įƎƫļƣ Ǟ íǂŨƫƎėĐ ƋŨǃĐėƎƖ ƣķíƣ ǝ ǓǓ ƫƋ (for more fun) and ƣíƖƣǉ İƫśśļėƖ ŏļĐƖ íŝĐ ƋíƎėŝƣƖ íŒļŏė ŒŨǂė ƣŨ ƣíŏė ríƣƫƎíŒ íŒś SƣɩƖ ƋƫƎė íŝĐ ŝíƣƫƎíŒ įƎėė įƎŨś íƎƣļǝ ĉļíŒ íĐĐļƣļǂėƖ and preservatives.

¸Ǝǉ ƣķė ĈėƣƣėƎɞƣíƖƣļŝİ ĈėƣƣėƎɞíĈƖŨƎĈļŝİ ĈėƖƣɞŒŨǂėĐ śíİŝėƖļƫś ƣŨĐíǉ!

100

naturalcalm.ca

thriveforgood.org

fļŝĐí ŨŒƣŨŝ FŨƫŝĐėƎ /} ríƣƫƎíŒ íŒś íŝíĐí

Mental health HAPPY&HEALTHY

Breathe easy PHOTO:JASON GORDON

It might sound a little woo-woo, but teaching kids mindful breathing can truly help them calm themselves down in the heat of a tantrum. MY TWO-AND-A-HALF-YEAR-OLD shrieked and stomped, tears welling like tiny rain clouds ready to burst. Her dad was trying to put on her snowsuit and she was just not having it. “Mommy do it,” she pleaded through the sobs. I grabbed the pants and put her on my lap. I expected the freak-out to continue, but it didn’t. “Take a deep breath, in and out,” she whispered, closing her eyes, inhaling and exhaling slowly. Her energy shifted to a calmer state and just minutes later we were all outside playing in the snow, the tantrum a mere blip in the day. I was shocked—usu-

January+February 2022 todaysparent.com

HAPPY&HEALTHY Mental health

ally her tantrums lasted at least five minutes (which always feels like an hour). After recounting the incident to a caregiver at her daycare, she told me they were encouraging the class to recognize their emotions and take a deep breath when they felt frustrated or upset. I was surprised my daughter remembered to use the skill in the moment, but it’s clear that what they were teaching her was working. I’ve since learned that mindful breathing is pretty easy to teach and it really helps kids manage their emotions. IS IT DIFFERENT FROM JUST...BREATHING? It’s still inhaling and exhaling, of course, but with an awareness of the air coming in and out. It’s believed to have positive effects on the mind and body, including better focus, less anxiety and improved emotional regulation. “When we have a long exhale, it activates the parasympathetic nervous system, which helps us calm down,” explains Sara Marlowe, a Toronto-based registered social worker and author of books about mindfulness and self-compassion. HOW LEGIT IS IT FOR KIDS? The research is limited but encouraging. A 2019 study of 61 preteens found that after 18 minutes of mindful breathing, their attention improved and anxiety decreased. Positive results also came out of a study from Ottawa, where two paediatric residents led biweekly mindfulness workshops at an elementary school. The program included mindful breathing, and after their sessions, the students were better able to recognize emotions and use relaxation techniques. AT WHAT AGE CAN KIDS LEARN IT? Marlowe says you can introduce mindful breathing to a child at any age. She gives an example of doing a song circle with parents and babies, where she would introduce them to mindful breathing using the lyrics “Breathing in I am calm. Breathing out I smile.” Breathing mindfully with their infant helps parents respond to their baby’s emotions in a more soothing manner, which, according to Marlowe, nurtures emotional regulation over time. By age two, kids can start engaging in more intentional breathing exercises that involve counting or focusing on the breath. That said, it won’t work on all kids. “I don’t think mindfulness is for everyone,” says Erin Woo of the Mindfulness Center at Brown University in Rhode Island. “It’s important to recognize that.” So if your kid is consistently resisting your mindful-breathing ideas, it’s OK to give up and move on. —Stephanie Gray

todaysparent.com January+February 2022

4 WAYS TO TRY IT AT HOME Relax and make it a game! Kids are usually up for it.

“Take a deep breath, in and out,” my toddler whispered, closing her eyes, inhaling and exhaling slowly. Her energy shifted to a calmer state and the tantrum was over.

BLOWING BUBBLES Best for: Age2+ How to do it: Get some bubble mixture and a wand. Have your child try to blow bubbles by blowing into the wand. They might blow really hard and not be able to blow a bubble. Suggest they blow gently and tell them to pay a ention to what that feels like. When to try it: When you want to wind things down, like in the bath or during playtime before a nap. How it can help: Visualization—they can see their breath create the bubble— encourages children to connect with their breath. In addition to calming the mind and body, this exercise can also promote focus and self-regulation.

“I STOP AND FEEL MY BREATHING” Best for: Age 2+ How to do it: Before you and your child start an activity together, ask them to stop, pause and feel their breath. Children can place a hand on their belly to feel it rising and falling as they breathe, explains Samantha Snowden, a kids and family mindfulness expert at Headspace. When to try it: It’s meant to be brief (compared to the more focused Bear Breathing, at right). Try it before a meal, brushing teeth or ge ing into the car. How it can help: “Rituals are especially helpful during transitions, when children may have a hard time switching from one task to another,” says Snowden. “They help children accept aspects of routines, like taking a bath or brushing teeth, that may be diﬃcult at ﬁrst.” Adding the mindful breath in before the transition starts allows your li le one to practise emotional regulation.

BEAR BREATHING Best for: Age 3+ How to do it: Tell your child to pretend they are a bear, and explain that when bears hibernate, they breathe slowly. Ask them to follow your lead as you inhale deeply. Count to three or four as you inhale, pause for a count of two, then exhale, counting out loud to three or four, then pause again, repeating a few times. Ask your child if they feel relaxed and cozy in their bear cave. When to try it: Before a nap, story time or a creative activity. How it can help: This deep breathing technique helps to promote relaxation.

ILLUSTRATIONS: SOL COTTI PHOTO: JASON GORDON

BELLY STONE/ STUFFIE Best for: Age 4+ How to do it: Have your child lie on their back with a small stone or a stuﬀed animal on their belly. Ask them to watch the object move up and down with their breath. When to try it: Before a nap or bedtime. How it can help: Because children have to focus on their belly, it helps to teach them that paying a ention to their body can help them relax.

TRY T H I S!

Dos and don’ts of mindful breathing with kids For example: Don’t ask them to take a deep breath mid-meltdown. DO be playful and fun. It’s

DO be a good role model.

important not to force it or have rigid expectations of how kids will respond. It could be as simple as taking a dandelion and saying, “Let’s see if we can pretend to blow all of the seeds, but do it one at a time.” This way you’re not asking a child to be calm and take a deep breath. Instead, you’re turning mindful breathing into play.

The most powerful way to teach your kids to use mindful breathing in the moment is with modelling. “It’s teaching our kids in a non-pressured way that we all have these diﬀerent emotions all the time,” says Fulroop Sidhu, a child psychiatrist in the Infant Psychiatry Clinic at BC Children’s Hospital in Vancouver. “By taking breaths when we’re upset, kids will start to practise that and learn that, too.” So the next time you stub your toe, once you’ve stopped swearing under your breath, you could say something like, “That really hurts, so I’m frustrated right now. Maybe I just need to take a few deep breaths. One. Two. Three.”

DO ask your child how they felt a erwards. It’s common for kids to comment that they feel calm or relaxed. If so, great! Try something like this for a reply: “If you noticed that you felt more calm a er mindful breathing, when is a time you might use it again to help yourself?” Hopefully they’ll suggest using it when they’re upset, but if not, go ahead and recommend that, and oﬀer speciﬁc scenarios. This helps to reinforce it.

DON’T introduce mindful breathing when your kid is in the middle of a tantrum. Telling a kid to “take a deep breath” while they’re in the midst of

screaming at you for choosing the wrong sippy cup or for cu ing their toast diagonally instead of horizontally like usual (you monster!) won’t get you anywhere with most kids. Instead, introduce it during calm times and talk about how it might be used in difficult times, suggests Erin Woo of the Mindfulness Center at Brown University. “It’s not something we can impose. Allow them to make the connections when they’re ready to use it.” With continued practice, your li le one will be able to start recognizing their emotions and to defuse themselves faster. They won’t remember to use these techniques in every tantrum, but over time, you’ll see changes. We may not think our efforts are paying off (for example, if tantrums keep happening), but in time they will.

January+February 2022 todaysparent.com

todaysparent.com January+February 2022

COLD COMFORT No matter how careful you are, your baby will probably end up with a cold before their ﬁrst birthday. Nothing can prepare you for that gunky nose, those red-rimmed eyes, that near-constant cough... It can break a parent’s heart. Colds aren’t usually serious, but they’re no fun to get through, either. This guide is here to help. WRITTEN BY REBECCA CUNEO KEENAN

BRIGHT SIDE

ILLUSTRATIONS BY ANDY PIZZA

Every time your baby gets sick, their immune system builds antibodies. If they encounter that same virus again, they’ll have a milder illness and get be er faster.

January+February 2022 todaysparent.com

STEAM, SQUIRT, SUCK, REPEAT! There may not be a cure for the common cold, but there are treatments that can help your baby feel a lot more comfortable.

GOING VIRAL The first thing you want to know when your baby gets their first cold is: How did this happen?! “Viruses are usually spread through droplets and aerosols that enter the nose, mouth and eyes,” says Toronto paediatrician Dina Kulik, the founder of KidCrew, a multidisciplinary health clinic. Depending on how much exposure a baby has to other people, Kulik says it wouldn’t be unusual for a baby to experience as many as a dozen viral illnesses in their first year. In addition to common cold viruses, babies can also get sick with viral illnesses like influenza, croup, RSV and, these days, COVID-19. These illnesses often begin with cold-like symptoms but go on to make a baby feel sicker. FLU: Influenza is more likely to cause a fever, cough and general lethargy than a common cold is. Babies and young kids are at a higher risk of complications and hospitalization from the flu compared to older kids and adults. CROUP: The hallmark sign of croup is a barky-sounding cough, or stridor, a high-pitched sound when breathing. Croup can sound alarming, but can usually be treated at home. Still, it’s a good idea to have a baby with croup symptoms seen by your healthcare provider, says C.J. Blennerhassett, a Halifax registered midwife and member of the Association of Nova Scotia Midwives, who cares for newborns in her practice. RSV: Symptoms of a respiratory syncytial virus (RSV) infection are similar to a cold, but RSV is more likely to include fever as a symptom. Kulik says there’s a greater chance that RSV will make a baby sicker, but you wouldn’t actually know your baby has RSV, as opposed to a cold, unless they are screened for it at a hospital. COVID-19: In babies, watch for fever, cough, shortness of breath and diarrhea or vomiting.

A NOTE ON NEWBORNS Colds aren’t usually serious, but there are special considerations if your baby is younger than three months. 42

BABIES CAN GET a cold at any age, but it can be particularly distressing when they’ve been out of the womb for only a ma er of weeks. And while newborns commonly catch mild colds that pass without incident, “there’s a lower threshold for seeking care,” says Blennerhasse .

todaysparent.com January+February 2022

STEAMY BATHROOM

Good for: Loosening up a stuﬀ y nose and helping baby breathe more easily. Try it when your baby is uncomfortably congested. How to do it: Turn the bathroom into a steam room by running the shower on hot for 10 to 15 minutes while holding your baby outside of the shower. Get as comfy as you can—you’ll probably end up si ing on the closed toilet seat. Grab a board book for entertainment. Pro tip: This works well for nasal congestion. But if your baby has hoarseness, wheezing or a persistent cough, check in with a doctor to make sure you’re not dealing with a more serious respiratory infection.

SALINE DROPS OR MIST

Good for: Helping to clear a stuﬀ y nose if your baby is having trouble feeding or sleeping because they can’t breathe through their nose. How to use: You can buy either saline drops or a spray in any drugstore or grocery store—the ones designed for babies will be easier to use. Squirt two or three drops of this up baby’s nose to so en and dilute the snot so they can breathe easier. Pro tip: The drops tend to be gentler on babies than the spray, which can be quite forceful, but either will work.

The key rule to remember is to never treat a newborn fever at home. “If a baby this age has any symptoms of fever, you shouldn’t treat that with over-the-counter medications like Tylenol—you should take them to the emergency room right away,” says Blennerhasse . She says other signs that a newborn should go

to the emergency department are vomiting, not eating, and breathing problems—which can include blue lips or coughing so badly that they’re vomiting. “Normal newborn colds can involve a runny nose, sneezing, coughing, a change in eating, or symptoms of fatigue or sleepiness,” Blennerhas-

SNOT SUCKER

Good for: Clearing out a stubbornly clogged nose when saline solution on its own doesn’t work. How to use: Supporting baby’s head, insert two or three drops of saline in one nostril. If you’re using the suction type, squeeze the air out of the bulb of the sucker before placing the tip just inside your baby’s nose. Then let go and the suction should pull out most of the snot. Other snot suckers are designed for caregivers to suck the snot out with a tube. Pro tip: While you can use saline as o en as needed, you should suction only two to three times a day to avoid irritation.

PAIN RELIEVER

Good for: Making your baby more comfortable. It can also bring down a fever. (The Canadian Paediatric Society recommends that all babies under six months with a fever should be seen by a doctor.) How to use: Check with your doctor before giving ibuprofen to babies under six months. For both ibuprofen and acetaminophen, follow directions carefully and use the included syringe to get an accurate dose. If your baby isn’t a fan of the squirt, you can add the meds to a small amount of formula or breastmilk or, for older babies, food like baby cereal or fruit purée. Pro tip: Fevers can make babies fussy and uncomfortable and make it hard to sleep. Consider timing a dose so everyone can get some shut-eye at night.

PROCEED WITH CAUTION... Vicks BabyRub You may recall your mom rubbing Vicks VapoRub on your feet when you had a cold and be tempted to do the same with your baby, but there are a few things to keep in mind. First, the regular version of Vicks VapoRub contains camphor, which is extremely toxic if ingested. Keep this out of your li le one’s reach or consider ge ing it out of your house altogether. Vicks BabyRub, on the other hand, doesn’t contain camphor—but it also doesn’t contain any other medicinal ingredients that can relieve congestion and isn’t marketed as a product for colds. However, there likely isn’t harm in using this on your baby if you follow the manufacturer’s directions. It’s not meant to be used on babies under three months.

Humidifier 5

Wait!

Never give honey to babies under 12 months old because it can cause infant botulism.

se says. (Other symptoms include a mild headache or sore throat, but those would be pretty hard for a parent to spot.) Don’t freak out if your newborn sounds a bit ra ly, though. Blennerhasse says newborns o en sound like they have stuﬀed-up sinuses, and there’s no need to try to clear the nasal

HONEY

Good for: Coating the throat and suppressing coughs in children over 12 months old. How to use: Give your kid over one year old a teaspoon or two at bedtime to help calm their cough so they can get to sleep. Pro tip: Honey is one of the few natural remedies that has been shown to work in studies. Choose unpasteurized honey for an extra antiviral boost.

passage completely. If a baby is having trouble feeding, parents can safely use saline drops and a snot sucker, even with newborns. To prevent your babe from getting sick, Blennerhasse suggests asking people to wash their hands before holding them and not passing them around at large gatherings. For the time being, a

Humidifiers add moisture to the air in your house, which can help keep snot and mucus from drying out and relieve congestion. However, the Canadian Paediatric Society doesn’t recommend parents use humidifiers—both hot and cool mist humidifiers can breed mould and bacteria if they are not washed thoroughly every day, and hot mist humidifiers can be a burn hazard for small children.

DON’T BOTHER WITH... Cough medicine Cough medicine is not recommended for babies (or any kids under six). According to Health Canada, there is no evidence they’re eﬀective, and they can cause harm when misused or overused. The same goes for natural cough medicines, because natural ingredients can still cause dangerous side eﬀects and allergies. “There’s also no evidence that they work,” says Kulik.

Homeopathic treatments and essential oils There are many cold remedies on pharmacy and health store shelves labelled as homeopathic, but these, like other natural health products, are not as strictly regulated as pharmaceuticals. “There is no convincing evidence that they work, and they may pose a risk,” says Kulik. It’s be er to avoid these altogether. Essential oils are another popular home remedy, but they can be toxic. Blennerhasse recommends against using them in a baby’s humidiﬁer or anywhere near a baby because there are no studies to demonstrate their value or safety.

mask might make sense, too. Finally, anyone who spends time with your baby should have the ﬂu shot, she says, since babies under six months are unable to be vaccinated and they’re in a highrisk category for inﬂuenza-related complications and hospitalization. Caregivers should also be vaccinated against COVID-19.

January+February 2022 todaysparent.com

HEY, GOOGLE? When you’re deep in the trenches of parenting a sick baby, you’ll have all sorts of middleof-the-night questions. We have some answers.

WOULD ELEVATING THE CRIB MATTRESS HELP MY BABY BREATHE A BIT BETTER? A little elevation can help the nasal cavity drain and make it easier to sleep, says Kulik. She recommends sliding something like a book under one end of the crib mattress. “This will raise the head of the mattress, but there’s still a firm, flat surface underneath them,” says Kulik. Make sure to raise it only two to five centimetres and that your baby is still flat on their back. The crib should have only a fitted sheet—no pillows or blankets. It’s never safe for young babies to sleep in a car seat or bouncy chair. Wearing them upright in a baby carrier during the day could help with naps. SHOULD I TRY A BOTTLE IF MY BABY IS TOO CONGESTED TO BREASTFEED? It’s true that babies might have a hard time breathing through their nose while trying to feed at the breast. But Kulik says bottle-feeding isn’t any easier for a stuffed-up baby. “The mouth is filled either way, so babies need to breathe through their nose.” She recommends using saline drops and suction to help clear the nasal passage before feeding. DOES BREASTMILK ACTUALLY CLEAR A BABY’S NOSE? It’s easy to fall down the rabbit hole of #momhacks on TikTok and Instagram, where you’ll hear about all sorts of home remedies— from flushing a baby’s nose with breastmilk to using a Q-tip to clear mucus. But Blennerhassett says it’s best to stick with saline drops and snot suckers. “I wouldn’t use breastmilk in the sinuses because you can’t control the volume and you wouldn’t want the child to aspirate or get breastmilk in the lungs.” Kulik adds that cotton swabs up the nose are not a good idea, either. “There is a risk of trauma to the nasal passage. This is not the same as a nasal swab to test for viruses that are given by a trained professional.”

todaysparent.com January+February 2022

IS THERE ANYTHING I CAN DO ABOUT MY BABY’S RAW NOSE? While some people recommend breastmilk to soothe your baby’s raw nose, both Kulik and Blennerhassett say Vaseline or coconut oil is your best bet. Other gentle lotions can be used, but you should avoid products with added fragrance, which can be irritating. SHOULD I STOP SLEEP TRAINING WHEN MY BABY HAS A COLD? As hard as it is to lose progress, it’s a good idea to take a break. “They may have different fluid needs, so I recommend prioritizing their recovery from illness over sleep training protocols,” says registered nurse and lactation consultant Azura Goodman, who’s based in Hamilton, Ont. “A lot of sleep training is about parental confidence,” Kulik adds. “I wouldn’t feel confident leaving my baby to fuss it out if they may have a fever.” And while sleep training is on hold, don’t feel guilty about comforting your baby as much as you want, both through the night and during the day, when they’re sick. HOW SERIOUS IS A FEVER? A baby’s temperature can be slightly elevated from time to time, but it isn’t considered a proper fever unless it reads over 38°C (100.4°F), taken rectally, says Kulik. Fevers aren’t always serious, but they should always be monitored. The exception is in babies under three months—anytime your newborn has a fever, you should bring them to the hospital. While fevers only need to be treated with medicine to make the baby more comfortable, a temperature over 38°C is likely to be uncomfortable, says Kulik. If the fever doesn’t come down with medicine like acetaminophen or ibuprofen, or persists beyond a few days, it’s cause for concern and you should take your baby to the doctor. But if the fever responds to treatment and the baby is drinking well, energetic and able to be soothed, then there’s no cause for worry. HOW SHOULD I DRESS MY SICK BABY? We don’t need to bundle our babies up when they’re sick, nor do we want to cool them down too drastically. Kulik says that when a baby has a fever, “a lot of parents will think the baby is hot, so they take off their clothes and put a cool cloth on the forehead, and put them in a tepid bath. Then the baby feels cold and shivers, which raises their temperature. So it’s not comfortable for the baby, nor is it helpful.” Blennerhassett says the rule of thumb in any circumstance is to dress your baby in one more layer than you’re comfortable wearing, and remember that colds are caused by viruses and not by cold weather. CAN I TAKE MY BABY OUT IF THEY HAVE A COLD? WHAT ABOUT HAVING PEOPLE OVER TO HELP? The pandemic has made us all hyper aware of spreading germs and you might wonder if a sick baby should isolate. Sick babies need to follow the same pandemic protocols as the rest of us and isolate if there’s a chance they have COVID. But if you know for sure it’s just a cold and as long as they seem comfortable, then it won’t hurt the baby to run some errands or to be around other people.

WHEN TO SEE A DOCTOR If you see these symptoms, your baby should be checked out by a pro right away. • Not drinking much or excessive vomiting or diarrhea. This can lead to dehydration, which can be dangerous. • Listlessness or a decreased level of alertness. If they aren’t responding like they usually

do and they’re excessively sleepy, something might be wrong. • A fever above 38°C (100.4°F), taken rectally. Bring your baby over three months in if the fever isn’t brought down by

pain relievers or lasts longer than three days. A baby under three months with any fever should be seen. • Constant crying. Baby shouldn’t be inconsolable. • Diﬃculty breathing. Don’t wait and see.

Solids and ﬁrst steps are great, but *these* are the milestones that actually make your life as a parent way easier. WRITTEN BY JESSICA POLLACK ILLUSTRATIONS BY CÉCILE GARIÉPY

BIG LITTLE WINS One day, you won’t have to anxiously race back to locate the precious, discontinued stufﬁe your kid loses everywhere and won’t sleep without.

todaysparent.com January+February 2022

Another bona ﬁde game-changer? When your kids start fetching their own snacks and water (though it will take a while to stop hearing phantom calls of “WATER!”).

ATCHING YOUR BABY scrunch up their

Dumping that last poop out of the potty and into the toilet is a huge turning point, though you won’t realize it at the time.

face while tasting veggie purée for the first time is adorable, and seeing the sense of accomplishment they feel after taking their first steps is one for the books. These major developmental advances are undeniably memorable and kick off new stages of childhood. But there are so many mini-milestones in between the big ones that vastly improve our daily lives as parents. Ditching diapers is awesome, but have you ever had your kid go poop and actually wipe themselves, no assistance needed? That first spoonful of solid food is super cute, but what about preparing a meal that your whole family willingly eats, with no complaints? And if you’ve recently set out on a road trip in a car bursting with baby gear and toys, you can’t imagine what a gift it’ll be when each kid needs only clothes and a couple of books or toys. It’s not that we’re wishing away the younger years, because they go by so quickly and there’s a lot to love about our little weirdos. But parenting small kids is hard—why not look for a few extra excuses to celebrate the teeny wins? You deserve it!

January+February 2022 todaysparent.com

THEY ARE THE PACI CAPTAIN NOW It’s such a tease for paci-loving newborn babies that they have an obsessive love affair with their soothers but can’t put them back in their own mouths when they fall out. It’s pure Montague and Capulet (why must their tiny, useless hands keep them apart?!). Hence the blood-curdling screams in the middle of the night, each requiring a two-second pop of the paci back in their mouth. It’s relentless! Getting to the point where they can replace their own pacifier is an absolute game-changer. And if you’ve ever scattered twodozen pacis around your baby’s crib mattress, you know that this is really a two-part milestone—because even more than being able to replace their paci, they have to find it, too. THEY WIPE THEIR OWN BUTT There’s a time in every parent’s life when something sinister lurks behind every door and you’re acutely aware that it can strike at any moment. “What is it?” you ask? A kid in downward dog shaking their dirty butt while they wait for any willing adult to wipe it. Are you in the middle of a Zoom call? No problem. Doing a bit of rage vacuuming? They’ll find you. Ditching the diapers is amazing, but what the books don’t tell you is that you’ll still be wiping your kid’s ass for at least another year or two. And then the day comes when they’ll go to use the bathroom (right in the middle of dinner, most likely) and you’ll try to shovel as much food into your mouth as possible because you know the call is coming— but before you can get up you’ll hear the toilet flush and the washing of hands and they’ll come out fully clothed. You’ll freak out because there’s no way they wiped thoroughly. But after a few racing stripes and wiping tutorials, you’ll reach that blessed time where they’re independently wiping themselves properly—no ifs, ands or butts about it.

todaysparent.com January+February 2022

Don’t forget to toast having a civilized, tear-free meal in a restaurant where there’s a dish that everyone likes and no one ends up thrashing around on the floor.

THEY CAN DO THEIR OWN THING AT THE PARK The park offers zero chill to parents of swingloving toddlers and preschoolers who like to climb the most dangerous parts of the play structure. You’ve probably gazed longingly at the moms and dads of older kids who park themselves on a bench and scroll Instagram mindlessly, at least in controlled spurts. When does this kind of freedom actually happen? Don’t get us wrong, most parents are quite happy to help their kids fight the Death Star from the slide or watch their babies squeal in delight as they push them on the swing, but sometimes Mama just wants to sit. Hard. THEY ACTUALLY EAT THE FOOD YOU MAKE “I don’t like the green stuff.” “It’s too spicy.” “The foods are touching each other—ewwww.” Hear that? Soak it all in. It’s the symphony of your children rejecting another meal. When it comes to food, kids really keep us on our toes. One day spaghetti Bolognese is the most delicious food they’ve ever had, and the next it’s literal poison garbage they wouldn’t serve to their worst enemy. It’s a fun guessing game! Eventually, their penchant for beige fades and they’re more willing to

CAR TRIPS WITHOUT ALL THE GEAR There is no puzzle more brain-bending than fitting all of your belongings into the trunk of your car when you’re heading on a road trip with small kids. It’s the adult version of Tetris that no one asked for ever—now with more impossibly oddshaped pieces! When you have littles, not having all their creature comforts can destroy a vacation. So yes, you do need multiple bouncy chair options, plus a travel crib and a stroller, and no, you won’t whittle down the laundry basket full of books and toys you’re trying to cram in with suitcases, stuffies, snacks and more snacks. Can you even imagine everyone packing their own single suitcase and placing them neatly in the trunk? Dreams. THEY CAN DO UP THEIR OWN CAR SEAT STRAPS Car seats are a source of so much frustration and anxiety—from babies who wail for the entirety of car rides to toddlers who use them as food repositories to kids who demand one parent over the other or complain that the straps are TOO TIGHT (they aren’t). And through all this, there’s the constant buckling and unbuckling, tightening and loosening of multiple five-point harnesses day after day after day. It can drive you wild. But once your kindergartener or firstgrader moves into a booster seat, they can finally climb in and buckle themselves with a good oldfashioned seat belt, while you enjoy one minute of quiet solitude in the front seat. You’ll be feeling so good about it you’ll take everyone to the McDonald’s drive-thru, like the fun mom that you are!

try new things. (Some kids especially like to do this only when they’ve long finished their beige meals and the exciting, yummy new foods are on their mom's plate. LOL.) Then, you develop a roster of recipes that work for your entire brood, and before you know it, you’re having a calm, familystyle supper where no one is saying “gross,” “yuck” or “I want cereal.” Pop that champagne!

THEY ENTERTAIN THEMSELVES UNTIL YOU WAKE UP How many times have you been suddenly roused from a highly enjoyable, mildly sexual dream at 5:30 a.m. to find a kid standing beside your bed instructing you to wake the eff up? Unless your kids are sleep unicorns (bless them), the answer is probably countless. Little kids need their parents for everything: water, breakfast, entertainment. Even if you’re cool with throwing on some early-morning Paw Patrol and catching some more ZZZs, you still have to get out of bed, stumble to the family room and turn the TV on for them. Eventually, though, you’ll be cut out of the equation, waking at your leisure to find your kids busy and fed. And it. Will. Be. Glorious.

You know what’s not fun? Peeling dirty underwear from inside-out pants over and over in an endless cycle of laundry hell. But it won’t last forever, we promise.

THEY THROW UP *IN* THE TOILET Not in their bed, not on the floor and not even beside the toilet—we’re talking right in the bowl! A kiddie hole-in-one. Anyone with easy pukers knows that on top of feeling so sad for your uncomfortable kid, you’re also dealing with some of the toughest cleaning jobs of your life, often in the middle of the night. Nothing wakes you faster than being torn from your cozy bed by the sound of retching and finding a big old pile of barf in the middle of your kid’s carpet. Once they get older and learn to identify the feeling of vomit in the wings, they’re usually able to swiftly make it to the bathroom and kneel over the toilet in time for a clean delivery. Mazel tov!

January+February 2022 todaysparent.com

Y T U R A E B K S FO D E C T A H HAUS S EX MOM H ow to m yoursel ake f h u m a n fe e l again, d e s p i te s p i t- u p t h e h a i r a n d i n yo u r months of disru p te d sleep.

todaysparent.com January+February 2022

Wipes aren’t only for your littles p. 60

PRODUCED BY JESSICA POLLACK and ARIEL BREWSTER PHOTOGRAPHY BY GENEVIÈVE CARON

THIS ISN’T A “new year, new you” guide. For the record, we think

you’re great just the way you are. (And you’re also a good mom doing an amazing job in a very shitty time.) No, bubble baths and sheet masks won’t solve all your problems, but quality self-care has been hard to come by during COVID—especially when you’re naptrapped with a pandemic baby. Maybe scrubbing your face with a fancy exfoliating cleanser or splurging on a pricey serum makes you feel well-rested during a season of your life when you definitely aren’t (and can’t be—hello, cluster feeding). So if you’re looking to cut through the noise of all the beauty fads and sponcon you see on social media and find the best products that actually work (and won’t waste precious mat leave dollars), we’ve got you covered.

January+February 2022 todaysparent.com

This icy tool is like a coffee for your face Latme Ice Roller

FAKE IT ’TIL YOU MAKE IT Expert makeup tips for pretending you aren’t a milk zombie and making it look like you slept (when you deﬁnitely didn’t).

BY KATHERINE FLEMMING

ICE, ICE, BABY: After a splash of water, Toronto-based makeup artist Sheri Stroh always starts her morning with a quick pass of an ice roller. Like a lint roller for a swollen complexion, this inexpensive tool can bring down puffiness, but more importantly, “It wakes you up and the process feels amazing,” says Stroh, who usually applies the roller for five to 10 minutes while scrolling her phone or watching the news. You could even use it one-handed while nursing or pumping. Try the 1 Latme Ice Roller ($16, amazon.ca). GLOW UP: One item Stroh always keeps in her bag is a cream highlighter. “It doesn’t matter how tired you are, this will instantly make you look like you’ve had a facial,” she says. Dab it on your cheekbones, down the nose (skip the tip), on your eyelids and over your dark circles (to bounce light and minimize the shadows). The 2 Saie Glowy Super Gel Lightweight Dewy Highlighter ($33, sephora.ca) can be applied to bare skin, under foundation and tinted moisturizer, or over makeup. It blends easily, never looks like a cheesy Instagram filter and adds a few hours of sleep to your complexion.

WHAT TO SKIP

TWICE AS NICE: To breathe life into exhausted skin, a tinted moisturizer or foundation like the new 3 Tower28 SunnyDays SPF 30 Tinted Sunscreen Foundation ($38, revolve.com) gets two things done at once: You’ll even out your complexion while warding off future damage like age spots and fine lines. Just be sure to pick the right shade. “If you go lighter, it always looks like a mask,” says Stroh. Going a touch darker might mean you don’t need any extra bronzer or colour on the cheeks. Once you’ve applied it, if you still need a dab of concealer, apply a small dot under the eye in the inner corner, and blend it outward in the crescent area—but stop before you hit the fine lines. Try 4 Hynt Beauty Duet Perfecting Concealer ($32, thedetoxmarket.ca). IN LIVING COLOUR: “A lot of people overcompensate and add too much blush when they’re trying to liven up their face,” says Stroh. To keep it subtle, stick to cream-based products and dab a little bit of the colour on the higher parts of your cheekbones using your fingers, making sure not to bring it too far into the centre of your face. For a flush that screams “I slept better than Beyoncé,” try the fragrance-free, jojoba-laced 5 Beautycounter Cheeky Clean Cream Blush ($50, beautycounter.com). 5 2

3 1

(Unless they make you feel really good) Waterproof mascara, because it’s a pain to remove. Ma e lipsticks that are tedious to apply and take oﬀ (and make for messy baby smooches). Face powders, as the eﬀect will be dusty—you’re going for fresh and dewy. Anything that requires multiple brushes or tools to use.

todaysparent.com January+February 2022

DOUBLE-DUTY BEAUTY Products that work for you and your baby. BY NATALIE STECHYSON

I LIKE TO JOKE that my baby is my human shield, bravely protecting me in public from any potential judgment about my worn-out leggings, frizzy hair and general unkempt appearance. Oh, she’s a mom, I imagine people thinking as we roll past them on the sidewalk, my gross scrunchie barely containing my fly-aways. That explains it. Meanwhile, my baby is dressed like a Gap model, with flawless skin, rosy cheeks and the cutest matching booties and hat. For some reason, I’ve always been willing to indulge in the very best outfits, lotions, balms and accessories—it’s just that they’re always for the baby, not me. Well, good news. Many of those same products you lovingly apply to your kid morning and night can actually be used as health and beauty products for yourself. Yes, you, an actual person who deserves some pampering (even if it comes from the Pampers aisle). After all, you share bodily fluids and bathroom trips, and you have zero time, so why not share a little baby balm? Here are six double-duty beauty products to borrow from your kid:

PRODUCT PHOTOS: ERK PUTZ STYLIST: CHAD BURTON

1. Hello Bello Everywhere Balm More like everyone balm. This soothing, fragrancefree balm from Kristen Bell and Dax Shepard’s baby line can be used on kids and adults. It’s a great option for treating cradle cap, chaﬁng and sore bums on babies, but on adults it can be used as a lip balm, under the eyes, as a highlighter on the cheekbones, to so en cuticles, and even to tame frizz and ﬂyaways. $9, indigo.ca

2. Live Clean Baby Soothing Oatmeal Relief Non-Petroleum Jelly Any baby jelly or moisture stick can double as a lip balm, but the soothing oatmeal in this one is great for dry lips. Plus, it goes on glossy! You’re basically a runway model if you

use it (just don’t double dip if you’re also applying it to your baby’s bu ). $9, well.ca

1 6

3. Johnson’s Baby Shampoo The same gentle formula you trust to clean your baby is also a fan-favourite beauty hack for cleaning makeup brushes. Baby shampoo gets rid of the dirt and oil in the bristles without drying them out. Just lather and rinse! $6, walmart.ca

4. Aveeno Baby Daily Lotion It’s gentle enough for newborns—and your own parched body and face. This fragrance-free moisturizer can be used wherever you need some TLC. Its light formula means you can dab it on your face for a li le glow a er another sleepless night. $7, well.ca

5. Ombrelle Kids Wet’n Protect SPF 60 Even if parenting doesn’t age you, the sun deﬁ nitely will. A good sunscreen is your best beauty ally, and chances are you already have one kicking around in your diaper bag. This kids sunscreen has a high SPF, is fragrance-free and it won’t clog your pores or cause breakouts,

so slather it on. It’s also less expensive than many high-end facial sunscreens. $19, shoppersdrugmart.ca

6. Pampers Sensitive Baby Wipes Baby wipes are the Swiss Army knife of personal care. You probably already rely on wipes as a replacement for showering some days, but you can also use them to remove eye

makeup. (Even though the package says not to use near your eyes, dermatologists say the ingredients are safe.) They are also handy for rubbing excess hair dye oﬀ your forehead a er colour treatments. Keep a perfume-free pack by the toilet for a li le freshening up a er a big sneeze (IYKYK). $12 for six poptops, amazon.ca

January+February 2022 todaysparent.com

THE BARE MINIMUM The easiest ways to show yourself—and your skin— some love.

FOR STARTERS, might we remind you that your body hosted an entire additional human for a very long time? So give yourself a break. Dermatologist Sam Hanna, medical director at Dermatology on Bloor in Toronto, says his patients sometimes express frustration over how their skin fared after pregnancy—dullness, hyperpigmentation and acne that could rival a teenager’s are common once the glow fades. “Be proud of what you did and recognize that what happened with your skin is recoverable,” he says, stressing that you didn’t do anything wrong (even if applying moisturizer a couple times a week summed up your skincare regimen for the past nine months). Since there might be days postpartum when washing your face feels like summiting Mount Everest, skip the 12-step system and focus on simply nourishing and feeding your skin in three simple steps.

TREAT YOURSELF Can you remember the last time you did something just for you? If you’re feeling fancy, level up with these three splurges.

Mask up

Eyes on the prize

Super serum

Let a face mask do the heavy lifting. Drunk Elephant F-Balm Electrolyte Waterfacial Mask ($68, sephora.ca) contains superhydrator coconut water and texturetreater niacinamide to even out your complexion. Slap this on when you’re about to embark on your kids’ marathon bedtime routine. It’s designed to be worn overnight, so you can consider your skincare routine sorted. When you rinse it off in the morning, you’re left with nearly newborn-level softness.

Since your eyes are barely closing these days, tending to the skin around your peepers is basically an essential service. Dermalogica Awaken Peptide Eye Gel ($80, dermalogica.ca) contains a blend of soothing ingredients like rosemary leaf extract, to minimize puffiness and the appearance of fine lines. Dab below your lower lashes and on your orbital bone (just below your brows) using your ring finger, which applies the least amount of pressure to the delicate eye area.

Serums contain smaller molecules so they can go the extra mile to penetrate below the skin’s surface. But with so many options—some with prices scarier than a poonami—it’s hard to know which bottle to choose. Caudalie Vinoperfect Radiance Serum ($95, shoppersdrugmart.ca) is an oil-free blend that gives skin a glowy boost, calling upon viniferine, a sap from grapevine stalks, to brighten skin, as well as ultramoisturizing olive squalane. —Katherine Flemming

todaysparent.com January+February 2022

1. Stock your shower with an

2. Give your face another

unfragranced, non-soap cleanser you can use when you ﬁnally get a chance to hop in there. Try La Roche-Posay Lipikar Syndet AP+ ($21, at drugstores and mass market retailers), which feels like a luxurious French facial in an easy-to-use pump. The best part? It does triple duty— use it on your face, your body and it’s safe for your newborn’s skin, too.

pass with a spritz of toner to cleanse, clarify, and wick up any remaining residue. You’ll feel u erly refreshed in the process. Try Pai Skincare Living Water ($48, thedetoxmarket.ca), which keeps the moisture barrier intact and won’t alter your pH balance, causing needless skin irritation like redness and ﬂakiness. Use it at any point in the day when you need a refresher.

3. Finish with a moisturizer devoid of fragrance and artiﬁcial colour. If you don’t know where to start, Hanna’s general rule of thumb is to avoid products you wouldn’t feel comfortable pu ing on your baby. CeraVe Moisturizing Cream ($12, amazon.ca) is a non-greasy option containing three essential ceramides as well as hyaluronic acid—which translates to super hydrated and happy skin.

1 2

IF YOU'RE NURSING EDITORS’ PICKS

Josie Maran Argan Daily Moisturizer SPF 47 Protect and Perfect, $47, sephora.ca “This multi-tasking tinted sunscreen oil has been a staple for years. It keeps my skin hydrated and protected from sun damage while also evening my complexion and giving this tired mom a much-needed glow up to show oﬀ at... school pickup.” —Jessica Pollack, deputy editor and mom of two

YES, NO, MAYBE SO? For pregnant, chestfeeding and pumping parents, “context ma ers when it comes to assessing the safety of active ingredients,” says Toronto dermatologist Sam Hanna. Make sure you check all the ingredients in a product for safety and potential irritants. With that in mind, here are some general guidelines:

Hyaluronic acid: Yes Vitamin A/retinol: No Vitamin C: Yes, but keep it below 10% concentration Squalane: Yes Salicylic acid: No Niacinamide: Yes Bakuchiol: Yes AHAs/BHAs/PHA: No

January+February 2022 todaysparent.com

MANE ATTRACTION These picks will extend good hair days so the rushed ones look just as fresh. BY ALICIA COX THOMSON

Pantene Perfectly Undone Texturizing Sugar Spray $11, well.ca

If beachy waves are high on your “if only I had time” list, this finishing spray will get you there, fast. Strands are coated with non-sticky sugar, vitamins B5 and E, and amino acids, adding texture and shine. It’s easy to use—just spritz onto dry hair and tousle for that piece-y, imperfect perfection. The lovely, light scent is far from overpowering—just enough to mask that not-so-fresh under-slept mom smell.

She’s Like the Wind Invisible Dry Shampoo & Conditioner $25, voirhaircare.com

Multi-taskers are a mom’s best friend. Reach for this two-in-one dry shampoo plus conditioner when you need to add yet another 24 hours to the good hair day you had last week (no judgment). The fine powder plumps up roots and mattifies the greasy bits without leaving residue. It’s packed with 95 percent naturally derived ingredients, including scalp-soothing green tea extract and hydrating kakadu plum, to revive tired hair into soft, bouncy locks. So go ahead, do your best Dirty Dancing strut on the way to stroller fitness.

Grace Eleyae Foldover Warm Slap with Pom $57, graceeleyae.com

Slap is short for satin-lined cap, and this warm version is ideal for strolls with baby during icy Canadian winters. Many Black women protect their hair with satin products, especially at night, but the benefits of doing so can help all hair types (including heat-treated straight and curly hair, braided styles and more). The inner satin layer of this cute beanie, which comes in a few flattering colours, reduces friction and frizz while retaining hydration.

Love Ur Curls Deep Conditioner and Repair $33, lusbrands.com

The best way to take care of curly hair is to use products specifically made for it. One thing curls need in order to pop is hydration, and this deep conditioner is packed with ultra-rich shea butter, aloe vera, avocado oil, vitamins and more. It’s vegan and cruelty-free, plus free from all the additives that weigh hair down and leave curls lifeless. Since you need to use it for only five to 15 minutes a week, you can apply to clean, damp hair in the shower—or, if you can swing one, a nice long bath. It’s a small commitment for self-care and healthy hair.

todaysparent.com January+February 2022

Revlon Salon One-Step Hair Dryer and Voluminizer $70, canadiantire.ca

This wildly popular multi-tasking drying brush (it became TikTok famous in 2020) delivers on the hype. Ionic technology plus 1,100 watts of power dry hair faster and leave it smoother, while

the ceramic core protects hair from damage. The oval brush shape allows you to create volume right at the roots while leaving the ends soft and smooth. It’s been positively reviewed on all types of hair and for all experience levels. Plus, a nice perk is that it can be used one-handed (a skill all moms master quickly).

Can natural deodorant battle your new-mom B.O.? SPICY GARBAGE. Hot death. Essence of onion. These are just some of the colourful terms I’ve used to describe my body odour since having babies. I expected mom life to be a little on the smelly side, what with the dirty diapers and spit-up and all. What I didn’t expect was the most offensive stink to be my own. But between the hormones, sleepless nights, stress and babywipe sponge baths (we’ve all done it, right?), I am definitely more ripe than I’ve ever been in my life. And, much to my annoyance, my certain je ne c’est quoi has lingered well beyond the newborn phase, when a shower was a luxury. My kids are in daycare and kindergarten, I bathe regularly and I have yet to find a deodorant that can keep up with my spice. At least I know I’m not alone, since finding a deodorant that works is one of the hottest topics in my Facebook mom groups, natural deodorants are all the rage among influencers, and #armpitdetox has four million views on TikTok alone. Welcome to motherhood! You stink now. The culprit is hormonal changes in pregnancy that can continue postpartum, says Toronto dermatologist Julia Carroll. The composition of your sweat changes during pregnancy, and may never change back to its exact pre-baby composition, Carroll explains. “Based on my practice, and chatting with fellow moms, I would say it’s quite common.”

What can you do about it? Stick it to your mom stink with a good deodorant (which masks odour but doesn’t block sweat) or antiperspirant (which reduces the amount you sweat, thanks to a key ingredient: aluminum). If sweating is your main issue, opt for a traditional antiperspirant, Carroll says. But if your main issue is odour, not wetness, you can try a more “natural” product or deodorant to mask it. What makes a deodorant natural? First of all, there’s no such thing as a natural antiperspirant. A natural deodorant tends to use essential oils and natural antibacterial ingredients to hide odour and reduce bacteria, Carroll says. But “natural” is simply a marketing term. “Traditional antiperspirants are perfectly safe and can be used worry-free,” says Carroll. “Moms have enough to worry about without stressing over deodorant or antiperspirants.” Why is natural deodorant so popular? There has been a growing demand for more natural ingredients in deodorants. While there is no evidence that the aluminum in antiperspirants causes breast cancer (which is a common but unfounded worry), many people still find the idea of a natural deodorant more appealing. Some feel like the armpit should be allowed to “breathe” and that sweat is a natural function that shouldn’t be blocked. If you’re interested in hopping on the natural-deodorant bandwagon, here are five highly rated ones to try. It will likely take some time and trial and error to find the option that works best for your budget, your body and your stink. —Natalie Stechyson

Five natural deodorants to stick it to your postpartum stink

Routine Stick Deodorant Routine is all the rage in my “natural mama” Facebook groups, my circle of friends and my book club. It smells sweet and fresh and has fun names like “Cat Lady,” “Dirty Hipster” and “Like a Boss.” It’s also available in a baking soda–free formula for sensitive skin. Bonus: It’s Canadian. Main ingredients: coconut oil, magnesium hydroxide, cornstarch, essential oils. $28, routinecream.com

Native Deodorant Native is one of the most popular natural deodorants, and for good reason. It goes on smooth, has a light scent that fans say lasts all day and it’s readily available in most drugstores. And hopefully its plasticfree, responsibly sourced paperboard packaging will be available in Canada soon. Main ingredients: coconut oil, shea bu er, baking soda, tapioca starch, probiotics. $19, shoppersdrugmart.ca

I T’S T HE PI T S

Dove 0% Aluminum Deodorant

Undercarriage Cream Deodorant

Schmidt’s Natural Deodorant

Dove introduced an aluminum-free version of its popular deodorant in 2019, and it has topped several beauty editors’ lists since. If your main concern is simply to be aluminum-free, this (or another aluminum-free mainstream brand) is probably the “natural” deodorant for you. Main ingredients: dipropylene glycol, water, glycerin, propylene glycol, fragrance. $9, shoppersdrugmart.ca

The name alone endears this one to us, but the reviews are positive, too. Undercarriage can be used anywhere on the body (hence the name) and it’s handmade in Canada. It’s also crueltyfree and comes in “No BS” (no baking soda) formulas. Main ingredients: arrowroot powder, coconut oil, baking soda, beeswax, essential oils. $24, undercarriagedeodorant.com

Also popular in my crunchier-mom Facebook groups is Schmidt’s Natural Deodorant, which is an inexpensive, greatsmelling unisex option that you can sometimes even ﬁnd at Costco. Some ﬁnd the baking soda a li le irritating, though, so if you have sensitive skin, you may want to avoid. Main ingredients: arrowroot powder, baking soda, coconut oil, shea bu er. $16, well.ca

January+February 2022 todaysparent.com

Thanks, I saw it on TikTok!

We tried popular TikTok beauty trends—the good, the bad and the downright strange—so you don’t have to squander your baby’s naptime assessing what’s worth the extra effort. BY AMY VALM

TRY IT!

todaysparent.com January+February 2022

SKIP IT!

MAYBE?

EDITORS ’ PICKS

IF YOU HAVEN’T become consumed by TikTok videos, congratulations—but also, you’re missing out. Beauty TikTok, specifically, is populated with makeup artists and influencers hawking products and sharing genius (and sometimes questionable) tricks. We waded through bathrobe braids, burnt-almond eyeliners and clumpy mascaras to help you spend your five precious minutes of morning me-time wisely, with our honest opinion on some of the buzziest TikTok products.

1. Taped Eyeliner Wings VIRAL VIDEO: @kat_longoria

Now, we would argue that the old tape-and-eyeliner trick has been making the rounds long before TikTok, but it’s resurfaced with a bit of a new spin: Use medical tape or a fabric bandage cut into long, thin strips and wrap it around your face. We’ll say it again: Centre the tape under your nose and wrap the ends up to the corner of your eyes. Add two more small pieces of tape around your eyes to form a point. Make it extra sharp so it will terrify both you and your baby. Dip your fingers in black eyeshadow and dab over the tape stencil. Peel away to reveal sharp-as-hell wingtips. It does work, but it’s a lot of effort—and, really, is perfecting the cat-eye a priority? TL;DR? Try it for fun, not as a miracle fix.

2. Madluvv Brows Eyebrow Stamp Kit VIRAL VIDEO: @madluvvbrows

If you over-plucked in the early aughts and haven’t made the leap to microblading, give these stencils a try. The waterproof and sweat-resistant formula comes in a kit ($49, madluvv.com) with ﬁ ve stencils, a brow stamp, a spoolie brush and zipped pouch. Find your preferred stencil shape, press down and quickly bingo-dab your brows on. We were skeptical, but honestly, a brow pencil could never. Since it’s waterproof, cleaning it oﬀ is a commitment. But we see your slightly smudged two-day brows as working smart, not hard.

3. Bathrobe curls VIRAL VIDEO: @bacardibri123

Since you’re already in a bathrobe 24/7, this trend might be tempting. But Gen Z ignited this bouncy, heatless curl trend, and these same Gen Z TikTokers don’t have a nursing,

sleep-striking infant. And if you can’t French braid, don’t even try it. If you can French braid and somehow have a moment of peace in the evening—along with two free hands—this is how it works: Place the tie from your robe over your head and weave it into two braids. Awkwardly sleep on it and reveal an eﬀortless ﬂounce that’s just begging for a spritz of spit-up.

4. Peter Thomas Roth Instant FIRMx Temporary Face Tightener VIRAL VIDEO: @trinidad1967

Maybe you saw this one— the video got over 31 million views for what seemed like sorcery. A 54-year-old TikTok user demoed the PTR eye cream ($63, sephora. ca) on one side of her face and the results were undeniable. As it soaked into her skin, the bags tightened and shrunk. But here’s the thing: As it dries, it leaves a noticeable white cast and parches the skin so that when you smile, you crinkle. Badly. Oh, and the results aren’t as good if you put makeup over it.

5. Maybelline Lash Sensational SkyHigh Mascara VIRAL VIDEO: @jessica.eid_

During your precious escape to the drugstore, venture away from the diaper aisle to find this viral mascara. It’s an easy yes because of its affordability (priced between $10 and $14) and the sky-scraping lengths it achieves with a couple of swipes, even if you’re working with stubs. Just make sure you don’t grab the waterproof kind—that formula is clumpy and creates raccoon eyes that accentuate your under-eye circles a er you finally get that shower you’ve been waiting for. Plus, good news, it’s no longer sold out. Sometimes it pays to buy into the hype a li le late.

Baby Foot $23, well.ca “I finally tried cult-favourite Baby Foot and now I’m obsessed. All you do is soak your feet in gel-filled plastic socks, wash it off and forget about it. About a week later, the dry, dead skin on your feet starts magically peeling off. It’s equal parts disgusting and amazing, but a erwards, your feet are as so as a baby’s.” —Kim Shiffman, editor-in-chief and mom of two

L’Occitane Shea Butter Hand Cream $35, loccitane.com “A li le of this goes a long way. It’s smooth and creamy and keeps my skin moisturized without being greasy. It even lasts through multiple hand washes.” —Sadiya Dendar, senior editor and mom of one

Lancôme Effacernes Waterproof LongLasting Concealer $41, shoppersdrugmart.ca “This under-eye concealer has been my splurge for years. It makes me look rested when I most deﬁnitely am not. It layers well under a BB cream and the li le tube lasts a long time.” —Ariel Brewster, senior editor and mom of two

Cela Seed to Skin Scrub $42, thisiscela.com “When you only have ﬁve minutes to shower, this indulgent scrub feels like a trip to the spa—the smell, texture and the way it leaves your skin looking and feeling so refreshed. It also saves time by serving as a moisturizer.” —Simone Olivero, senior editor on mat leave, and mom of two

January+February 2022 todaysparent.com

todaysparent.com January+February 2022

ALL

BODIES ARE WRITTEN BY

ILLUSTRATIONS BY

LINDA GERHARDT

LUCILA PERINI

GOOD BODIES A parents’ guide to raising fat children.

January+February 2022 todaysparent.com

MY MOM AND I NEVER REALLY TALK ABOUT how she mothered her fat child. It’s too painful for both of us. But after she read a blog post of mine, she called me. “I’m so sad,” she said. “I experienced the same issues with being an overweight child, and I didn’t want my daughter to go through the same experiences. But the steps I took just made it worse.” I get it: It’s impossible to have a child and not feel a primal need to protect them from painful things you experienced in your childhood. But in trying to pre-emptively protect me, she ended up being the first person to teach me to distrust and feel ashamed of my body. I don’t blame her or hold a grudge. Parents do the best they can with the tools they have. When my mother was parenting me, there was no guidebook for how to raise a fat child. The only thing she knew how to do was teach me to protect myself by thinking about what people might tease me for, to sign me up for sports, to listen to the paediatricians telling her I should lose weight, and to encourage me to eat less and move more. In my case, it was trying to fight city hall. I come from a fam-

todaysparent.com January+February 2022

ily of large, stocky people. I was going to be fat no matter what she did. So, since no guidebook was available for her, this is my attempt to help parents who are where she was. How do you raise a fat, healthy, happy child? I’m not a doctor or a psychologist. I’m just a fat kid who grew into a fat adult, and this is what would have been helpful to me.

Teach them about body diversity.

One of the most painful things I experienced as a fat kid was the sheer helplessness I felt being in my body. Thin was the default. All the kids around me were thin. My siblings were thin. My

mom was thin. I was not. And it really and truly was not my fault; fatness is hard-coded into my DNA. And yet I felt like my body was failing me. But what would have happened if I had been told that my body was good as it was? What if I had learned about body diversity as a child instead of in my late 20s? As a society, we have become much better at teaching children about the differences in humans, but we rarely include weight diversity in these lessons. Raise your children to understand that thin is not the default, but just one point on a vast spectrum of different body sizes. Some bodies are thin. Some bodies are fat. Some bodies are muscular and burly. Some bodies are fat in some places while being thin in others. And they are all good. When your child asks, “Why is that person fat?” or “Why are you fat?” or even “Why am I fat?” don’t tell them it’s mean to ask that question. Tell them that it’s just one way for a body to be. Explain to them that no two bodies are alike, and some bodies are bigger than others, just like some bodies are smaller than others. Teach them that no body has more value than another. Tell them all bodies are good bodies. Ask them, “Isn’t it amazing that there are so many different ways to be?”

Teach them to trust their bodies and their hunger.

Or, rather, don’t teach them to distrust their bodies. Children are born with inherent body trust. They know, without trying, what their bodies want. Babies know when they are hungry, when they are ready to roll over and hold their own heads up, and to stand and walk for the first time. Distrust is taught. It happens slowly. Sometimes, distrust is sown by unavoidable things, like when a child feels confident they can jump from a great height and instead ends up falling and hurting themselves. That kind of distrust, the kind that teaches caution, is useful. But sometimes distrust is sown by parents questioning things that a child inherently knows—for instance, when a parent questions whether their child is really hungry, or really needs a second helping or snack. That kind of distrust can be poison. And fat children learn that distrust much more often and more harshly than thin children. In fat children, this is the beginning of disconnecting mind from body. It’s how children develop fraught relationships with food and eating and internalize shame around food. I’m in my 30s and I am still working on reestablishing the connection between my mind and body. By the time I was a teenager, I no longer felt the normal cues of hunger and fullness.

I had my hunger interrogated as a child and learned to interrogate it myself. And soon I had no sense if I was hungry or full. I turned to diets to teach me how to eat, because I no longer had a clue and didn’t trust my own hunger and body. This pulled me further and further away from these natural cues. Allow your children, even when that child lives in a fat body, to trust themselves.

Let them walk away from activities they don’t enjoy, without guilt or shame.

3 IN TRYING TO PREEMPTIVELY PROTECT ME, MY MOTHER ENDED UP BEING THE FIRST PERSON TO TEACH ME TO DISTRUST AND FEEL ASHAMED OF MY BODY.

It’s great to encourage kids’ interests in organized movement. But where it gets tricky, and where it can have a lifelong impact, is when they are not allowed to quit activities they don’t enjoy. I get it. Organized sports? Expensive as hell. Dance class? By the time you pay tuition and buy the leotards, tights and ballet slippers, it’s not just a class, it’s an investment. It can also seem like a great time to teach kids a lesson about sticking with a commitment. But childhood is a time of exploration. And when it comes to trying out new activities, kids are not going to like everything they try. And when it comes to exercise and movement in particular, the ramifications of forcing them to stick with it can be long-lasting and severe. It can turn an innocent attempt to try something new into something that feels like punishment. And that, in turn, can make physical activity in general feel like a punishment. So here’s what parents of fat kids can do: Let your kids try new things. If they enjoy it, awesome! But if they come to you and say they don’t want to go anymore, ask questions, ask them why—but let them walk away.

Don’t restrict their diets, and don’t moralize food.

This is hard for parents of fat children: Year after year, when they take their children to the paediatrician, they are told their child is too heavy. And usually the advice is “eat less and move more.” (Can you hear me sighing through the text here? Because I’m loudly and dramatically sighing.) The trouble is, restriction makes people hungry, and it can lead to weird and disordered behaviour around food. When you restrict specific foods, and frame foods as “good” and “bad,” it’s hard for kids to understand. It usually results in fear of food, and a feeling that their own natural desire for certain foods that are “bad” is, in fact, what’s “bad.” It creates guilt and shame. When my mother attempted to restrict my diet, I started hiding food. I hoarded snacks in my room. I snuck into the kitchen at night and

January+February 2022 todaysparent.com

When you frame foods as “good” and “bad,” it creates guilt and shame. Be neutral about food. All food can be part of a healthy, well-lived life.

ate in secret. I became afraid of eating in front of people. I often ate two meals—the smaller “healthy” meal of “good” foods I ate in front of my mother, and the secret meal I ate later when I was still hungry and obsessing over the food I actually wanted to eat. Fat kids should, in fact, be offered an abundance of food. Make all kinds of food available to them. Encourage a love of food. Have them cook with you and develop positive memories of food while teaching them valuable skills that will help them throughout their lives. Add foods—don’t take them away. And be neutral about food. All food can be part of a healthy, well-lived life. Teach them that food is just food. Eating broccoli will not put a halo around anyone’s head, and eating ice cream or chocolate or greasy fast food is not “indulgent” or “bad” or “sinful” or “decadent.” It’s all just food. This doesn’t mean that if your kid wants ice cream for dinner every night, you should give them ice cream for dinner every night. This is not about adhering to your child’s food whims; it’s just striking a balance of providing thoughtful guidance about how to eat for nourishment and setting them up to have a positive relationship with food and their bodies. We know that restrictive diets for kids don't work. They usually do nothing but f*ck up their relationship with food, with themselves and with their parents.

Work on your own f*cked-up relationship with food and your body.

Your kids see you. They watch you. They notice the things you do. You’re their role model for how to be a person. So, if you’re struggling with your own shitty relationship with food and your body, they will absorb that. And, sooner or later, they will start to mirror it right back to you. It’s not easy. But it’s essential for parents to model a positive relationship with food and their bodies. This means eating intuitively, no food moralizing at the dinner table, no talking shit about your own body or anyone else’s, no dieting, and no limiting your own experiences and enjoyment because of your body size (for example, not joining your kids in the pool or at the beach because you don’t want to be seen in a swimsuit). This might require some soul-searching and maybe even some therapy. But it will be worth it, not just for your kid, but for you. You can’t possibly hope to raise a happy, confident fat kid if you are personally torn up about your own weight. You just can’t. You can’t make your kid believe that they are worthy, good, loved

todaysparent.com January+February 2022

and enough at any size if you can’t believe it about yourself. You can’t save your kid from a lifetime of dieting and misery while you’re doing keto or Weight Watchers or googling weight loss surgery to lose weight yourself. You can’t teach them to trust their bodies when you don’t trust your own. And you can’t instill in them the idea that all bodies are good bodies when you associate your body and your child’s fat body with pain, humiliation and torment.

Don’t try to protect your child from bullying by accidentally assuming the role of the bully.

For me, it started when I was a chubby kid who wanted to buy a bikini in my favourite colours. “What if kids make fun of your stomach?” asked my mom, frowning. It had never occurred to me before. It was, honestly, the first time I had really considered my fat belly at all. And all it took was a quick disapproving glance and a question to create 30-odd years of intense insecurity about my belly. I get that this is hard. When you have kids, you’re seeing them through the eyes of all the schoolyard taunts you endured. So, letting them leave the house in the outfit they love but might get them teased in feels like sending a lamb to slaughter. But when you try to stop them, you assume the role of the bully. You are bullying your child to prevent them from being bullied.

And here’s why that’s wrong: • It lends validity to the theoretical bully’s taunts. • It places the onus on your child to avoid bullying, rather than on other children not to be bullies. • Your child might not get bullied or taunted at all, which means that you’ve crushed their confidence on an assumption. • It can be the first time your child has ever considered that something about them is a thing they could be teased or bullied about, building new insecurities. • It erodes their trust in you as their parent and protector. • It chips away at their self-confidence. • It teaches them to consider what others might think or say ahead of what they want and how they feel. • It can make them feel hurt, ashamed, embarrassed and unsafe. • And really I could just go on and on forever. This requires abandoning some control. Your child might get teased. They might come home in tears. But you should be a safe harbour. You should be a place of acceptance, safety and love. And you can talk to them about bullying and how to deal with people who are mean to them, and you can reinforce that their body is their own, belongs to them, and it’s not OK for anyone to make fun of it. But you should never, ever imply that they were even remotely at fault or that they are deserving of ill-treatment.

Be a fierce advocate for your child with doctors, teachers and other adults.

Fat kids are almost certain to have their weight singled out as a problem by adults. But you, as their parent, need to be your kid’s fiercest advocate. If your doctor is telling you that your child’s weight is a problem, there are things you can do. Insist that these conversations happen without your child around to hear. Request that your child not be weighed. Request that they provide you with evidence-based medicine and provide scientifically sound information about their concerns and recommendations. And, if necessary, move to a paediatrician who focuses less on your child’s weight. Don’t allow them to beat you down into thinking that a higher-weight child is a medical crisis. Don’t allow them to convince you that you must make your child lose weight at any cost. Stand firm in your belief that all bodies are good bodies, and call them on fatphobia and bad information. Arm yourself with knowledge—Lindo

Bacon’s book Health at Every Size: The Surprising Truth About Your Weight is a great place to start. Other adults, even ones who are “professionals,” have no right to undermine your intention to raise your child to believe they are good, worthy, valuable and loved at any size. You do not have to listen to paediatricians or school nurses or administrators. Stand. Your. Ground.

Teach them about fatphobia, weight bias and why they’re wrong.

FAT KIDS ARE ALMOST CERTAIN TO HAVE THEIR WEIGHT SINGLED OUT AS A PROBLEM BY ADULTS. BUT YOU, AS THEIR PARENT, NEED TO BE YOUR KID’S FIERCEST ADVOCATE.

Your child is sure to encounter fatphobia at some point in their lives, directly or indirectly. And, like racism, sexism, homophobia, transphobia and other forms of discrimination and hate, it’s important to talk about it with your child and let them know that it’s wrong. This can mean pausing a movie and talking about negative depictions of fat people. (I love Harry Potter, but whoa, Nelly, the Dursleys would be a great entry point to talking about how fat people are often portrayed as villains.) This can mean calling out a friend or family member making fatphobic comments about other people’s bodies. This can be sitting down and having tough talks about discrimination your child personally experiences. But it’s important to frame it as what it is: inexcusable, rooted in hatred and fear, and never OK.

Expose your child to positive representations of fat people.

Representation is important, so make sure your fat kid has access to media where they are represented. Have conversations with your kids about the representation of fat people in books and movies where fat means villainous, dishonest, lazy, bad, stupid or mean, as well as balancing these portrayals with positive ones.

Love and accept them for who they are.

This should go without saying, but it can be hard for many parents to do in practice. Sometimes fat children can grow up feeling like nothing they do will make their parents prouder than losing weight. I still feel that way sometimes. So it’s important to commit to accepting, supporting and loving your child no matter what—even if they remain fat their whole lives. When you raise your fat child in an atmosphere of love and acceptance, they may grow into fat adults. But they will grow into confident, capable fat adults, well-equipped to deal with a world that still has a million miles to go toward body liberation. And that, really, is the best any parent can do.

January+February 2022 todaysparent.com

Reconcili

ACTION! S P E A K S

L O U D E R

T H A N

W O R D S

Dear Canada, Dahooja! (That m

)

I]Z hZV d[ dgVc\Z h]^gih VXgdhh 8VcVYV ]dcdjg^c\ i]Z Á ghi CVi^dcVa 9Vn [dg Igji] VcY G ZY bn ]ZVgi I]^h YVn d[ learning and acting is just one of the 4 Truth and Reconciliation Commission (TRC) Calls to Action. =ZgZ¹h ]dl ndj XVc ]Zae ^beaZbZci i]Z 8Vaah id 6Xi^dc/ GZVY i]Z IG8 gZedgi VcY k^hî i]Z CVi^dcVa 8ZcigZ [dg Igji] VcY GZXdcXâ^Vi^dc lZWhîZ0 8dciVXi ndjg ZaZXiZY d[Á X^Vah VcY aZi i]Zb `cdl i]Z IG8 8Vaah id 6Xi^dc bViiZg id ndj0 Ldg` lî] adXVa >cY^\Zcdjh dg\VcôVi^dch dc i]Z^g eg^dgî^Zh0 • Find free learning resources and 7 free lVnh id ]Zae Vi Wî#an$," [gZZ"lVnh AZi¹h ]dcdjg i]Z hjgk^kdgh VcY i]Z X]âYgZc l]d lZgZ adhi Wn h]dl^c\ i]^h \ZcZgVi^dc d[ ;^ghi CVi^dch! B i^h VcY >cjî X]âYgZc i]Vi i]Zn bViiZg ´ Vaa nZVg adc\#

AdkZ He^g^i 7ZVg (Sus Zul), Vl·]9 5He^g^i7ZVg

Food&Family Easy meals, nutrition, news, tips

Small sips Start transitioning to cow’s milk by adding just one or two tablespoons to breastmilk or formula. SLOW AN D STE AD Y

PHOTO: STOCKSY

GOT MILK? Your babe is approaching their ﬁrst birthday and you’re ready to wean them off breastmilk or formula. There was a time when cow’s milk would have been your only option but today, the choices are endless.

So should you consider avoiding dairy and instead transition to rice, soy, almond or oat milk? Unless your family must avoid dairy, dietitians say cow’s milk is your best bet. Beyond being the most accessible choice, cow’s milk provides the vital nutrients that babies need

for healthy development, including fat, protein, calcium and vitamin D. Not all plant-based milks can say the same. As your babe grows older and eats a more varied diet, it becomes easier for them to get those nutrients from food, but at this age, you can’t count on it.

Have questions about milk? Here’s a li le-known fact: Most Canadians have access to registered dietitians for free. Contact your local health unit or call 811 in BC, Alberta and Newfoundland; 877-830-2892 in Manitoba; 866-797-0000 in Ontario; and 833-966-5541 in Saskatchewan.

January+February 2022 todaysparent.com

When people think of their health-care experience, they think of long wait times, harsh lighting and cold rooms. They think of being unheard and unseen. They think of getting lost in a frustrating system. It’s that much worse for those experiencing disadvantage. Nearly 70% of Canadians say the system needs an overhaul, and we don’t disagree. So, at St. Michael’s Hospital, we’re creating – along with our patients and their families – the new face of health care. Because we stop at nothing to deliver the patient experience people deserve. JOIN OUR $1-BILLION HUMANCARE MOVEMENT. STMICHAELSFOUNDATION.COM/DONATE

Easy meals FOOD&FAMILY

NOODLE WISE Cold winter nights beg for hearty comfort foods. And these veggie-loaded versions of your favourite pasta dishes sure do deliver.

RECIPES BY THE CHATELAINE KITCHEN PHOTOGRAPHY BY ERIK PUTZ FOOD STYLING BY ESHUN MOTT PROP STYLING BY MADELEINE JOHARI PRODUCED BY SADIYA DENDAR

January+February 2022 todaysparent.com

FOOD&FAMILY Easy meals

+ KITCHEN TIP

YELLOW SQUASH SPAGHETTI WITH MUSHROOM MEATBALLS PAGE 73

todaysparent.com January+February 2022

Boil your pasta in a large pot with plenty of water so it has lots of space to move around as it cooks and expands.

SPINACH AND PEA PESTO PASTA PAGE 73

January+February 2022 todaysparent.com

PUMPKIN MAC AND CHEESE PAGE 73

todaysparent.com January+February 2022

Easy meals FOOD&FAMILY

YELLOW SQUASH SPAGHETTI WITH MUSHROOM MEATBALLS 1

SERVES 4 PREP 25 MIN; TOTAL 1 HR 15 MIN

MEATBALLS ¼ onion, coarsely chopped 2 garlic cloves 1 227-g pkg cremini mushrooms, quartered 5 tsp olive oil, divided ¼ tsp salt 225 g lean ground beef ⅓ cup ﬁnely grated ParmigianoReggiano cheese ⅓ cup Italian-style bread crumbs 1 large egg PASTA 1 650-mL jar roasted red pepper or primavera pasta sauce 454 g spaghe i pasta 2 large yellow squash or zucchini, spiralized, about 454 g ¼ cup small basil leaves (optional) 1. Meatballs: Pulse onion and garlic in a food processor until finely chopped. Transfer to a medium bowl. Add mushrooms to food processor. Pulse until finely chopped. 2. Heat a large non-stick frying pan over medium-high. Add 3 tsp oil, then chopped vegetables and salt. Cook, stirring occasionally, until mushroom mixture is dry, about 10 min. Scrape back into same bowl. Set aside to cool completely, about 30 min. 3. Add beef, cheese, bread crumbs and egg to cooled mushroom mixture. Season with pepper. Mix with hands until combined. Form mixture into 2-tbsp-sized meatballs. (You should have 12.) 4. Heat same pan over medium-high. Add 2 tsp oil, then meatballs. Cook, turning occasionally, until browned all over, 3 to 4 min. Reduce heat to medium-low. Scoop out all but 1 tbsp fat from pan.

Pour in pasta sauce. Cook, covered and stirring occasionally, until meatballs are cooked through, about 10 min. 5. Pasta: Cook pasta in a pot following package directions until tender, about 10 min. Drain in a colander. 6. Return saucepan to stovetop and set over medium. Add ¼ cup water, then squash. Cook, stirring occasionally, until squash is tender and saucepan is dry, 2 to 3 min. 7. Add pasta. Stir to combine. 8. Divide pasta among plates. Top with pasta sauce and meatballs. Sprinkle with basil and more cheese, if desired. Per serving 800 calories, 37 g protein, 114 g carbs, 22 g fat, 9 g fibre, 7 mg iron, 1,180 mg sodium.

4. Add pesto to pasta. Stir to coat. Divide pasta among four plates. Garnish with more cheese, if desired. Per serving 620 calories, 23 g protein, 95 g carbs, 17 g fat, 7 g fibre, 6 mg iron, 580 mg sodium

PUMPKIN MAC AND CHEESE

SERVES 4 PREP 10 MIN; TOTAL 20 MIN

1 900-mL carton vegetable broth 1½ cups canned pumpkin purée 454 g macaroni pasta 1 cup grated ParmigianoReggiano cheese 1 cup mascarpone or cream cheese 2 tsp Dijon mustard (optional)

SPINACH AND PEA PESTO PASTA

SERVES 4 PREP 10 MIN; TOTAL 20 MIN

2 cups packed baby spinach 1 cup frozen green peas 454 g farfalle pasta 2 garlic cloves ¼ cup sunﬂower seeds 1 cup basil leaves ½ cup grated ParmigianoReggiano cheese 1 tsp lemon zest 2 tbsp lemon juice 2 tbsp olive oil ½ tsp salt 1. Bring a large pot of water to a boil. Add spinach and peas. Cook for 1 min, then use a slotted spoon to transfer vegetables to a food processor. 2. Cook pasta in the same pot of boiling water, following package directions, about 10 min. Reserve ⅓ cup pasta water. Drain, then return to pot. 3. Add garlic, sunflower seeds and reserved pasta water to food processor. Whirl until finely chopped. Add basil, cheese, lemon zest and juice, oil and salt. Whirl until puréed. (Makes 2 cups pesto.)

1. Boil broth with pumpkin purée and 1 cup water in a large, wide pot over medium-high. Add pasta, then reduce heat to medium. Cook, stirring often, until pasta is tender and most of the liquid has been absorbed, 10 to 15 min. Pasta should look slightly saucy, but not soupy. 2. Remove from heat. Stir in cheeses and mustard (if desired) until cheese melts. Serve immediately. Per serving 790 calories, 26 g protein, 97 g carbs, 32 g fat, 6 g fibre, 5 mg iron, 1,070 mg sodium.

Pro tip

Salting the cooking water is your opportunity to season the pasta itself. Always bring water to a rapid boil before adding dry pasta.

January+February 2022 todaysparent.com

When your child receives a diagnosis of type 1 diabetes, it can be overwhelming.

JDRF is here to help.

As you navigate this challenging period of adjustment to life with type 1 diabetes (T1D), you can find helpful information and support through the JDRF Bag of Hope®.

Get your Bag of Hope today at jdrf.ca/BagofHope

The JDRF Bag of Hope is filled with useful resources for children and teens who have been diagnosed with T1D and their caregivers. Along with educational materials, we’ve included a special friend for children — Rufus, the Bear with Diabetes® — to show your child that they are not alone while learning to take shots and test blood sugar.

Steps&Stages Pregnancy / Newborn / Toddler / Preschool / School age

N OW YOU K N OW !

Fun fact: Babies learn to burp without help at around 4 to 8 months old.

Newborn:

How to burp your baby (and if you even need to)

PHOTO: STOCKSY

PAGE 77

January+February 2022 todaysparent.com

STEPS&STAGES

Some say redheads are more prone to pain and bleeding. What does this mean for childbirth? P RE G NC Y NA

NEWBORN

KENDRA HARVEY* IS no

stranger to pain. She needs twice as much numbing meds as other patients at the dentist, and her epidural didn't work when she gave birth in 2019. “Neither did gas and air [laughing gas] or the intravenous medicine during labour,” she says. The reason behind her muted response to these pain interventions may be linked to a surprising source: her red hair. Midwives and medical professionals have long suspected that redheads experience pain differently than others, and some say they are more prone to heavy bleeding and hemorrhage as well. But what does science say about these claims? And do expectant gingers need to be concerned? Although there are anecdotal reports of increased bleeding in redheads—everything from nosebleeds to post-labour hemorrhaging— there’s nothing that proves it. About a decade ago, British

todaysparent.com January+February 2022

TODDLER

PRESCHOOL

researchers reviewed all the literature on the subject and found no evidence to substantiate increased bleeding in redheads. Research does, however, indicate a difference in the way redheads experience pain. A 2004 study, for example, found gingers needed about 20 percent more general anaesthetic than dark-haired test subjects to prevent them from moving in response to pain, and a 2005 paper showed that the numbing effect of local anaesthesia—like the kind you get at the dentist or in an epidural—was significantly reduced in redheads. On the other hand, a recent study in mice suggests that redheads may have more opioid receptors than other people, meaning they’d need lower doses of these drugs to get pain relief. “More receptors would also increase the body’s own ability to suppress pain,” says Norman Buckley, director of the Michael G. DeGroote Institute for Pain Research and Care, and professor emeritus of anesthesia at McMaster University in Hamilton, Ont. In other words, even if pain relief treatments aren’t effective, it’s possible redheads can better tolerate their pain. So, what’s the connection between hair colour and pain? Genetics. “The gene that gives you red hair is also associated with changes in the way the central nervous system controls and blocks pain,” says Buckley. There’s no need for pregnant redheads to steel themselves for the worst in the delivery room, though. First, Buckley notes, labour suites deliver a combination of local anaesthetics and opioids in an epidural, since they use different mechanisms to

SCHOOL AGE

treat pain. Doctors who provide pain care will also always respond to your specific needs: They’ll assess your pain, administer interventions, see how well they work and adjust as necessary. That individual care is important, since you’re likely to find just as many gingers who never had an issue with pain management during labour as those who have. Take Nicole Starr, for example, a redhead who has

? Did you know? Even if neither you nor your partner has red hair, you could still have a redheaded baby! If you both carry the redhead gene, your child will have a onein-four chance of being a ginger. a history of poor response to both dental anaesthetics and opioid drugs, which she discovered when she had her wisdom teeth removed at age 17. Before she had her son, now four, she was understandably nervous that an epidural might not work. But it was effective during that delivery, and again when she gave birth to her daughter last year. “In my experience, just because some pain relievers don’t work doesn’t mean an epidural won’t,” she says. And even if the drugs aren’t effective, redheads may be protected by having a higher threshold for pain. That lines up with Harvey’s experience. “I do find my pain tolerance to be pretty high,” she says. Bottom line? All moms-tobe are different, regardless of hair colour, so don’t make any assumptions. —Tamar Satov *Name has been changed

PHOTO:STOCKSY, ILLUSTRATION: VÉRONIQUE JOFFRE

PREGNANCY

STEPS&STAGES PREGNANCY

NEWBORN

When and how to burp your baby (plus why some cultures don’t do it at all). N E WB OR N

PHOTO:STOCKSY, ILLUSTRATION: VÉRONIQUE JOFFRE

TODDLER

PRESCHOOL

SCHOOL AGE

IT’S A TRADITIONAL part of

Milky messes A burp is sometimes coupled with some spit-up,

feeding a newborn: The baby lets go of the breast or bottle, mom or dad sits the baby up, then pats their back or massages their tummy until they burp. If you’re still figuring out how to burp a baby, you might ask yourself: Is this traditional way actually necessary? “The theory is that babies swallow air during feedings and the air in their tummies makes them uncomfortable and gassy—hence the ritual of burping,” explains lactation consultant and nurse Jan Barger. She points out, though, that in cultures where babies are carried upright in wraps, slings or an adult’s arms most of the time, burping a baby is unheard of. Barger adds that it can be upsetting to the baby who has just drifted off to sleep at the breast to be abruptly sat up and patted for several minutes until they finally let out a burp. “It also makes the whole feeding process take much longer than necessary,” she says. Instead, Barger suggests that parents gently put the baby in a verti-

and, man, that stuﬀ can stain. Laundry-stain sticks and enzymebased detergents are your friends here, but if you want to go oldschool, try scrubbing it with a paste made of baking soda and water. If the fabric is white, squeeze some lemon juice on the stain, then put the item out in the sunshine.

cal position against a shoulder or in a carrier and if there is a burp to come up, it will just happen naturally. On the other hand, there are situations where burping might not be such a bad idea. WHEN TO BURP A BABY • If the baby was crying for a while before you started to feed them, they might have swallowed air while crying and need help in bringing it up. You may find it helpful to burp your baby before feeding them. • If you are feeding your baby with a bottle, they’re less likely to be able to form a good seal around the nipple, so they’ll swallow more air while feeding. In addition, “because most bottles have a very fast flow, the baby usually ends up gulping the liquid down and gulps air along with it,” says Barger. • A very fast flow is a problem for some people who breastfeed or chestfeed as well. If there’s an overactive letdown or an overabundant milk supply, says Barger, and the baby gulps milk very quickly, then they may be swallowing a lot of air and need help with burping. (A lactation consultant or La Leche League leader can help with tips on how to reduce the too-fast flow of milk.) If one of these situations applies to you, or your baby seems uncomfortable after feeding and you suspect a burp might help, what’s the best approach? Each baby is different, but the key is to have the baby vertical and put a little pressure on their tummy.

BEST POSITIONS FOR BURPING A BABY • Try putting the baby high up on your shoulder so that your shoulder presses just below their tiny rib cage, then gently pat their back. (Don’t forget to arrange a receiving blanket or burp pad on your shoulder first. Trust us on this!) • Are you feeding lying down? No need to get up! While lying on your side, drape the baby over your hip, facing toward your back (which puts a little pressure on their tummy) and pat their back gently. • With a small baby, the “folding” technique sometimes works. Hold baby in a sitting position, then gently bend them forward, chest toward knees (“folding” the baby in half), and then straighten them up again. Repeat a few more times. (Laying the baby on their back and bending their knees to their chest can sometimes help with gas at “the other end,” but it’s less effective in bringing up burps; because air tends to rise, a vertical position is more helpful and leads to less spitting up.) If you don’t hear a satisfying belch after a minute or two, chances are it’s not going to happen—there’s no burp to come up. However, if your baby starts to grimace or wiggle around as though they’re a bit uncomfortable when you lay them down, it’s worth giving it another try. For most kids, it’s just about the only time in their life when a loud buuurp will get the response: “Hey, nice job! That was a good one!” —Theresa Pitman

January+February 2022 todaysparent.com

STEPS&STAGES

Why is my toddler so obsessed with climbing everything? TO D D LE

NEWBORN

AT AGE TWO, Lee-Anne

Maier’s son, Theo, was still in diapers, but he could climb to the top of the 12-foot net climber at the playground. Maier quickly got used to all the concerned looks from other parents at the park. “He was such a small kid that he looked like a baby climbing that thing! But I would just say, ‘Hey, good job!’ because I was so certain he could do it.” His other favourite trick was to grab the frame of a doorway (one hand on each side), wriggle himself up until he was dangling about six inches off the floor, and hang there like a monkey. Even kids who aren’t climbing the walls of your home, like Theo, usually go through a phase around age one or two where they want to climb everything, says Mathilde Duflos, a developmental psychologist in BC. They climb out of the crib, onto the dining room table, or up their parents’ legs. “There is a huge component of personality to it,”

todaysparent.com January+February 2022

TODDLER

PRESCHOOL

says Kaitlin Rickerd, a paediatric physical therapist in New York and the creator of Milestones and Motherhood, a popular Instagram account about children’s physical development. “But climbing is hugely beneficial.” WHY TODDLERS CLIMB Duflos explains that climbing is “a new way for kids to explore the world, and explore their body.” It uses new muscles in a toddler’s shoulders and hips, and they use their core to balance. With every move, their brain has to figure out where each hand and foot should go. As they move the left side of their body, the right part of their brain lights up with activity; as they move the right side, the left side lights up—and using both sides at once to climb helps forge connections between the two. Since all four limbs are touching something at the same time, they’re also getting lots of feedback about where their body is in space. (Some people call this the sixth sense, explains Duflos.) These systems are growing exponentially during the first three years of life. This is why working all of them by climbing is a great way to help your child’s brain grow, says Rickerd. There’s also the brain work that comes with such a complex task—assessing risk and executing a multi-step plan while staying focused. In fact, if your kid can’t climb by the time they’re walking, Duflos says, mention it to your doctor. HOW TO KEEP KIDS SAFE It’s stressful to turn around and see your toddler has scaled the baby gate and is scampering up the stairs solo. First, limit risk by making sure your TV, bookshelves and dressers are anchored to the

SCHOOL AGE

walls, then try to find some space where your kid can climb safely. It doesn’t have to be elaborate. Instead of telling her toddler son, “No, get down,” all the time, Erin Criger, a mom in Toronto, had “stair time” scheduled into her days, when she let him climb up and down the front steps of their house as many times as he wanted. “He loved it,” she says. For something a bit more complex, you can use couch cushions, throw pillows or a crib mattress to build a makeshift obstacle course. You could lean an ironing board against the couch for them to crawl or climb up, says Rickerd. “Bringing the climbing closer to the floor, where there’s less risk, makes it a lot easier to find that balance between safety and letting them explore.” If you have the space and the resources, a Pikler triangle or a foam kids couch can be a great designated climbing area. (Rickerd prefers a foam couch, since many Piklers are tall and need active supervision.) STEP BACK Try not to intervene too often, says Duflos. “If you are overprotective, they never learn what they’re able to do, and what’s dangerous—and they’re more likely to get severe injuries later,” Maier adopted an “if he got there himself, he can get down himself” approach when Theo was little. Instead of shouting warnings, she told him: “A place for your hands, a place for your feet.” Soon, he started repeating it, too. Now seven, Theo can wriggle all the way to the top of the door frame, and Maier is signing him up for rock climbing and parkour camp. “It’s just in him,” she says. “It’s part of who he is.” —Vanessa Milne

PHOTO:STOCKSY, ILLUSTRATION: VÉRONIQUE JOFFRE

PREGNANCY

STEPS&STAGES PREGNANCY

NEWBORN

Parenting a preschooler who cries easily and often can be exhausting. Here’s what you can do. P RE S CH O OL

PHOTO:STOCKSY, ILLUSTRATION: VÉRONIQUE JOFFRE

TODDLER

I WAS LUCKY it was only my

third, of four, who resorted to quick tears to express her emotions—by then I had a lot of tips and tricks and a thick skin. But knowing why it happens and how to regulate it can make a difference when helping your child navigate their big feelings. WHY DO SOME KIDS CRY MORE THAN OTHERS? Myla Leinweber, certified parent educator and mom of two who lives and works on the unceded territory of the Sinixt Peoples in the Kootenay region of BC, says there are factors specific to this age group, including temperament, development and coping/self-regulation strategies, that can affect a child’s tendency to cry. “On top of the skills they’re learning to use, some kids come into the world with their feelings right at the surface,” says Leinweber. “It’s really important to remember that it doesn’t make them a bad kid or us bad parents.” Sarah Mason, a mom of four from Oakville, Ont., experienced this with her youngest, while trying to find the right strategy for manag-

PRESCHOOL

SCHOOL AGE

ing frequent outbursts and tears during transitions or when they set boundaries. “You feel like you need to do something in the moment to control the behaviour and stop it immediately, because there’s an idea that you’re letting them get away with it. But it wasn’t working for us.” Leinweber reminds parents that many preschoolers lack the language to describe what they are feeling, while others are still working on social norms and understanding how their behaviour impacts others. And, just like grown-ups, preschoolers have what Leinweber refers to as “need boxes” that have to be filled (like sleep and love). “When kids this age want one of those needs to be met, they ask in ‘up or down ways,’ as I call it. Crying can be one of those ‘down’ ways.” TEACH KIDS TO EMPOWER THEMSELVES The best time to work on teaching kids to choose those “up” ways is before the big feelings happen. Play-based scenarios are a great way for kids and parents to co-discover a child’s needs. Mini figures have been a really effective tool for Leinweber’s youngest. “I made one of the figures fall down and burst into really big tears,” recalls Leinweber. “When I asked her whether she thought the figure was hurt or needed a hug, my daughter said hug. That gave me a good idea about how she might need me to respond in that situation.” Role-play can normalize feelings and also helps your child learn how to name them. PRACTISE COPING SKILLS To master their coping skills at this age, kids often need a co-regulator to mirror, explains Leinweber. That’s the approach Mason takes with her daughter when the

tears first appear. “I take a really deep breath and sit down. She immediately takes her own big breath and sits down beside me. The tears are over much more quickly and we finish with a hug and a reminder that she is loved.” Other helpful strategies include bypassing language by holding up two hands and asking your child to high-five the hand that fits their need—for example, do they need a hug or do they need to jump up and down 10 times? You can also tell the story of what happened for your child and narrate it using feeling words. “You felt sad when” phrases should be followed by “Am I getting that right?” questions, recommends Leinweber. This validates the child and provides a way to teach language for those feelings. Parents can also model this themselves by narrating their own emotions in different situations. DON’T BE HARD ON YOURSELF If parents put their energy into strategies at the “before” stage, there is more energy to manage the “during and after,” she says. “But remind yourself that you’re a person with needs, too. If you need to step out of the room, do it.” No parent can handle it well all the time, reminds Leinweber. Finally, she tells parents to notice the magic time that comes between mad and sad and to stay there with your child as they move into it. “Sadness offers a moment for connection and repair, when parents can move toward their child and remind them of their goodness.” Mason found that magic and it’s working: “I finally gave up trying to correct [the tears], and now I just love my kid through her hard moments.”— Louise Gleeson

January+February 2022 todaysparent.com

STEPS&STAGES

Got a kid who likes to brag? Here’s how (and when) you should step in. SC H O OL

AGE

NEWBORN

NINE-YEAR-OLD SADIE*

has just started skating lessons, and she comes off the ice beaming with pride. “She brags that she’s the fastest one in her class,” says Toronto mom Chris Rubin*. Sadie also loves to talk to other kids about how good she is at everything from circus class and climbing to proofreading her mom’s work. “I’ve hopped into conversations to change the subject,” Rubin says. Rubin herself never received any recognition from her parents growing up, so she heaps on the praise as much as possible. But when she sees Sadie approach a group of kids bragging, she can’t help but cringe. “I think I might have overdone it!” If your child can’t wait to show off their soccer medal or newfound cartwheel skills, don’t worry. A certain amount of bragging is completely acceptable between the ages of seven and nine, says St. John’s–based child psychologist Janine Hubbard. Children are starting to

todaysparent.com January+February 2022

TODDLER

PRESCHOOL

compare themselves to others, Hubbard says. At the same time, kids are developing the cognitive ability to realize they can build on their skills and identify the things they’re good at and it’s a thrill for them. “They just want to share it,” says Hubbard. WHEN IS IT TOO MUCH? A bit of boasting isn’t necessarily annoying to other kids because their peers are often doing the same thing. “If it’s an even back-and-forth, that’s fine. That’s a reciprocal conversation,” says Hubbard. But if you see bragging cross over into taunting and other kids start to pull away, that can be a warning sign. Sylvia Corzato, a parenting consultant and behaviour coach in Ottawa, agrees. It’s normal to be hyped up after a soccer win, for example, and to tell your friends and family all about it. But if it continues for weeks, Corzato says that’s a bit of a red flag. We want to teach kids humility and to be respectful of people’s feelings. “It’s OK to be proud, but it’s not OK to make others feel poorly about themselves in the process,” says Corzato. Showing off about objects is an absolute no. “Shut that down immediately,” Hubbard says. Kids should understand that having a fancy new gaming system or other expensive toy is not part of their character and doesn’t reflect who they are. USE ROLE MODELLING AND COMMUNICATION Both experts stress the importance of role modelling the behaviour you want to see and praising effort above results. If we gloat about material possessions or professional status ourselves, then we’re teaching the kids to do the same. For some kids, a couple of brief conversations might be all it takes. Corzato points

SCHOOL AGE

out that we do want kids to be proud of their accomplishments, so we need to tread carefully. She suggests saying something like, “Nice job. You should be proud of yourself. I see you’re excited, but maybe we should just turn down the volume a little bit because not everyone’s feeling the same way. Let’s be respectful.” If your kid is having a harder time identifying why their attitude is rubbing others the wrong way, Corzato recommends using what is called the FBI (feelings, behaviour and impact) strategy. Explain that someone might feel annoyed (feeling) because of your kid’s bragging (behaviour) and that that makes them not want to play with your kid anymore (impact). Then help to problem-solve what they can do differently. KNOW WHEN TO GET PROFESSIONAL HELP It’s also worth considering if there may be underlying emotional reasons for this kind of attention seeking, says Hubbard. Corzato agrees that kids who gloat may be trying to compensate for not getting enough positive attention elsewhere. Rubin suspects that Sadie’s behaviour was turned up a notch as a result of some bullying at school. Parents should talk to their kids’ teachers and also try to observe how they interact with other kids. If the problem persists and talking doesn’t seem to help, reach out to your family doctor or a child psychologist. “It could be a sign of an underlying anxiety disorder or oppositional behaviour,” says Hubbard, who adds that she is seeing social deficits in kids as a result of the lack of normal socialization through the pandemic. —Rebecca Cuneo Keenan *Names have been changed

PHOTO:ISTOCK, ILLUSTRATION: VÉRONIQUE JOFFRE

PREGNANCY

Introducing Trees. This once-in-a-million-year innovation doesn’t just clean the air we breathe, it has powerful Earth-cooling abilities and can improve our mental health. But in so many places, nature’s inventory is quickly running out. You can help turn things around. Donate now and join us in increasing the tree canopy in communities across Canada at TreesForLife.ca

TIPS&TRICKS The List

HEAR AND NOW Looking to binge a new podcast? Here are our favourites on parenting and mom life. LI S T E N U P!

HOW’S WORK BY ESTHER PEREL The iconic couples therapist brings new perspective to the forces that shape workplace connections, conflict and dynamics. Sample episode: “My Promotion Ended Our Friendship”

MOTHERHOOD SESSIONS Renowned reproductive psychiatrist Alexandra Sacks sits down with mothers and lets us listen in on conversations that are hard to have outside of a therapist’s office. Warning: You’ll definitely cry. Sample episode: “Loneliness in Single Motherhood”

MOMS IN THE MIDDLE Toronto broadcasters (and moms) Evanka Osmak and Melanie Ng talk with guests about all things parenting and motherhood. Sample episode: “Should You Be Lying to Your Kids?”

where we’re at and how we move forward, from the editors of Harvard Business Review. Sample episode: “So You’re Thinking about Quitting Your Job”

THE LONGEST SHORTEST TIME Real-life stories about the surprises and absurdities of raising other humans— and being raised by them. Sample episode: “Lactation Muffins, Tape Measure Ponytails and Other Adventures in Adoption”

JANET LANSBURY UNRUFFLED Practical, specific advice for common parenting challenges from the author known for popularizing the “respectful parenting” movement. Sample episode: “Morning Meltdowns – Asserting Our Boundaries with Connection and Confidence”

WOMEN AT WORK Conversations about

todaysparent.com January+February 2022

THE CAREER CONTESSA A weekly advice podcast focused on women, work and all the answers to your career questions. Sample episode: “How Much Are You Worth and How to Ask for a Raise”

RAISING GOOD HUMANS A developmental psychologist chats with experts to share effective parenting tools and talks about the important bigger picture of raising good humans. Sample episode: “Why Is My Child in Charge? A Roadmap to End Power Struggles”

SHAGGED. MARRIED. ANNOYED. Prepare to laugh till you pee! Each hilarious episode features real-life married couple Chris and Rosie Ramsey chatting about life, relationships, annoyances, parenting and everything in between. Sample episode: “Bon Bons in the Knicker Drawer”

PHOTO:STOCKSY TEXT: EMILY MCDONALD

THE DOUBLE SHIFT A show about women who are challenging how society sees mothers and how we see ourselves. Sample episode: “On Not Having It All”

WE ARE

W NEOK! LO

Relaunched with a print and digital redesign— and a new focus on challenging the status quo.

% 50 F OF

Subscribe Now 2 Years For Only $20 canadianbusiness.com/launch

TP - January/February 2022

Articles inside

Beauty hacks for exhausted moms

Big little wins